The Bachelor Blog - "Oooh, I'm glad I didn't pick her."

 

This week began with Chris Harrison promising that the finale of Juan Pablo's season would be pretty much just like the

"Tonight we are watching what promises to be the most controversial finale in Bachelor history. You know, I never use that word."

Chis also built up a "surprise" that Juan Pablo promised during The Girls Tell All episode, which obviously could have been just about anything besides an appearance on Dancing with the Stars considering that all the male dancers are gay, and Juan Pablo is an admitted  homophobe.

The final two women, Clare and Nikki, remained in Saint Lucia where they met with Juan Pablo's family.

First up was Clare, who did her best to show Juan Pablo's family how little personality she had. After all, she billed herself up as being half Hispanic, yet never spoke a work of Mexican on camera.

Her lack of personality aside, Juan Pablo busted out the Batch-Copter for the first time all season in order to charm Clare into bed for something like the third time while she was on the show.

But as the copter landed, Clare mentioned how Juan Pablo had whispered something to her without any of the cameras or microphones on them.

"What I though twas going to be sweet kind loving words was not what came out of his mouth."

"That he doesn't really know me, and some sexual thing I don't want to repeat."

While ABC bleeped out what it was, by reading Clare's lips it's safe to say that the sexual thing that Juan Pablo said rhymed with, "You were a great fuck."

And if there's one thing that a girl who defines herself by using her sexuality to get what she wants doesn't want to hear, it's how good she is at it.

Clare was in deep thought about the incident when Juan Pablo later returned back to Clare's room, and she caught him off guard when she wouldn't give him any "besitos," or the kisses from her that he was expecting.

That's when Clare told Juan Pablo that she was offended by what he had whispered when they were on the Batch-Copter, as she tried to remind herself that she'd never let herself be some guy's fuck toy ever again.

However, knowing that Clare was completely insecure, Juan Pablo was able to charm her back into his arms when he told her, "I know if I end up with you, we're going to have a baby in like a year and two months."

Sure enough, Clare went from breaking up with Juan Pablo to gushing, "I know that he wants me here!"

Back before a live studio audience, Sharleen chastised Clare for ignoring her women's intuition and staying with Juan Pablo even as he continued to patronize her, noting how she was able to stay with her even though she patronized him.

Next up to meet Juan Pablo's family was Nikki, who made the questionable decision to wear a backless dress that exposed her tattoo of a pooping bird, which she explained by lying and saying that she was part Native American.

Nikki Ferrell: I just have an overwhelming urge to get a pen and color that pooping bird tattoo in.

Juan Pablo's family didn't exactly give Nikki a ringing endorsement...Of  him. 

Specifically, Juan Pablo's mom told her, "I am 'pretty sure that he's ready for this," before saying "he's not easy."

Meanwhile, his cousin Roldolfo warned Nikki how he has a tendency to walk away from relationships when things get tough, obviously referring to Camilla's mom and how much the rest of the family loved her.

Of course, we still weren't sure that Juan Pablo was feeling Nikki. 

And when Juan Pablo said, "I have to figure out how I feel about her, but there's something that tells me, 'she could be the one,'" those weren't exactly words that endorsed her as a front runner coming from a guy who was something like one day away from potentially proposing to her.

Nikki Ferrell

While Juan Pablo managed not to insult Nikki like he did Clare, he said he still had concerns about how she felt about him.

But when Nikki wrote Juan Pablo a letter telling him how much she loved him, he just kissed her on the head and started to leave the room, which caused her to break down in tears as she was forced to wait one more day for his final decision.

Nikki and Clare traveled by boat in their finest hoochie dresses to await a potential proposal from Juan Pablo, which as my fiance noted, there's nothing like a humid, windy boat ride to make you look your best (or worst) as you may or may not get proposed to on national TV.

When Clare got off the boat saying, "I'm nervous," Juan Pablo told her, "It's okay," to the groans of everyone in the audience...Or at least Andi.

Clare delivered a long speech to Juan Pablo before she realized that was supposed to be quiet and let him propose.

However, Juan Pablo pooped in her Easter basket when he ultimately told her, "I have to say good bye to you."

Of course, that didn't go over so well with Clare, who pushed him away saying, "I lost all respect for you," noting how he had just reassured her and told her how he could see himself in Sacramento and the two of them having babies just one night (at least in TV time) earlier.

However, Clare wasn't done telling Juan Pablo off adding, "I'll tell you what...What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you," to which Juan Pablo replied, "It's okay."

And as Clare stormed off, Juan Pablo completely won the audience over by saying, "Ooh, I'm glad I didn't pick her." 

When Chris Harrison took a page out of Juan Pablo's book by asking her, "Is it okay?" Clare snapped, "No," and then mumbled something like, "Don't tell me that you love fucking me."

After Juan Pablo's smooth break up with Clare came Nicki, who was expecting to get an engagement ring.

Nikki Ferrell arrived wearing a dress with a slit all the way up to her slot.

But instead of giving her an engagement ring, Juan Pablo kicked her right in her nuts.

"Honestly, I have a ring here in my pocket, and I'm not gonna to use it. I'm not 100% sure that I want to propose to you, but at the same time, I'm a 100% sure that I just don't want to let you go."

Even worse, after telling Nikki that he didn't feel strongly enough to propose to her, Juan Pablo insulted even further with a consolation prize that was essentially the equivalent of asking her to the 6th Grade Dance.

So when Juan Pablo finally told her, "I like you a lot, a lot," before asking, "So, Nikki, will you accept my final rose," my only surprise was that he asked her in person instead of having his cousin Roldolfo pass her a note.

Clearly not happy to settle for a "I like you a lot," but apparently wanting to rub her rival Clare's face in not winning, Nikki surprisingly told Juan Pablo, "Absolutely."

During the After the Final Rose episode, Chris Harrison asked Clare the rhetorical question, "Why didn't you leave," ignoring the obvious answer of how she's completely desperate for male attention, having grown up in a house full of women even more beautiful than she is.

Clare elected not to speak to Juan Pablo saying, "It was so liberating to be able to stand there, and say it's not okay," apparently forgetting the part where she was ready to accept his proposal had he been stupid enough to offer her one.

When it was Juan Pablo's turn to get interviewed, he came out  to music, which I suspect was done to drown out the audience's boos.

Kelly Travis was in the audience to announce that she was going to be...suing the plastic surgeon who cut off the end of her nose.

In our first indication that things behind the scenes had gone horribly wrong this season, and I mean horribly wrong in a Flight mh320/Emily Maynard kind of way, Juan Pablo interrupted Chris Harrison and snapped, "Can I speak?"

Juan Pablo apparently revealed the "surprise" that Chris Harrison had promised at the start the show when he declared that he and Nikki were actually still a couple.

Nikki came on and surprised the audience by saying that while she's still in love with Juan Pablo, he was yet to tell her that he loved her in the four months since the show last filmed.

Ignoring that obvious red flag, Nikki tried to justify their relationship by saying that while Juan Pablo may not say it, he "demonstrates it in his actions."

With Juan Pablo and Chris having some sort of standoff on national TV "Chris went on the offensive and decided to grill Juan Pablo, antagonistically asking him, "So you love her?

That caused Juan Pablo to get even more defensive by saying, "I'm not going to answer that question to you," before he looked at Nikki and announcing, "We're done with this show. We are so done."

With Juan Pablo receiving more boos after cutting Chris Harrison off once again by saying, "I said before, when you interrupt me last time," he put his arm around Nikki and kissed as if to say, "fuck you."

By then a clearly perturbed Chris turned his attention away from Juan Pablo and Nikki and whatever there relationship status might be by declaring, "I don't know what I'm looking at!"

He then came out of the commercial break by sarcastically saying, "We are live tonight with Nikki and Juan Pablo. As we can clearly see they're engaged and clearly in love, congratu..."

That's when Juan Pablo gave the first hint of some type of behind the scenes rift by saying, "We had plans that had to change drastically two weeks ago when we taped the women tell all," only saying that the change was due to some private information that he received from Production.

As it turned out, the reason that Juan Pablo was so pissy was because he had what he thought was a spot on Dancing With the Stars yanked by ABC because of his derogatory comments towards gays and Emily Maynard's retarded daughter, lil' Rickie.

Things got so bad that even Juan Pablo's "friends" from the beginning of the year, Sean Lowe and Catherine Guidicci, turned on him by the end of the episode.

As when Juan Pablo referred to Sean saying how he just wants to keep things private now that the shows over, Sean said, "I don't want to burst your bubble, but it's not private after the show. It'll still be public."

Catherine was even more cognizant of where her paychecks were coming from, warning Juan Pablo, "Don't slap the hand that fed you."

Chris finally left things by telling Juan Pablo and Nikki, "I'm going to say congratulations, I hope," before adding, "Another season of the Bachelor has come to an end...Not going to lie, I'm moving on."

And sadly, that was before he even introduced Andi as the new Bachelorette...Because apparently ABC gets better ratings when America hates the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Sharing a mutual hate for Juan Pablo, Chris joked to Andi. "I just want to clear things up, you do know that this is going to be on television, don't you?"

Andi tried to act shocked that she was picked saying, "I never thought in a million years that this would happen to me,"

Of course, that didn't mean that she wasn't hoping, lobbying, and throwing Juan Pablo under the bus bus while trying to get that nod.

And while I don't agree with Andi being picked as the next Bachelorette, if that gets her redneck father Hy more camera time, I guess I'm all for it. 

The Bachelor Blog - "I remember (being) ready to go to sleep and just closing my eyes and being ready to be done"

 

This week we were able to take a break from Clare and Nikki's bitchiness and let all the other scorned women pile on Juan Pablo in "The Bachelor: The Women Tell All."

Most of those women were upset that Juan Pablo was so rude that he actually made artificial excuses as to why he couldn't to kiss them, instead of being like every other Bachelor and making an effort to try out every single one of the girls before he sent them home

However, Juan Pablo did make it clear that he didn't come on the show to make the ugly girls feel good about themselves when he said, "I no here to kiss twenty-seven women."

But before we heard about the rest of the drama on Juan Pablo's season, we had to hear about former Bachelor Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici's wedding, where Catherine confirmed that she and Sean finally had sex, although it didn't last very long.

Or as Chris Harrison said to the born again virgin, "Welcome to the club buddy."

In the strange but too much information department, Sean revealed that a stingray latched on to his "man parts" as they went diving, which seemed like a rather convenient excuse for him to not have any more sex with Catherine...Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Of all the girls, Sharleen was the first to stand up for Juan Pablo in light of the criticism that he was receiving, although she probably said it best when she was quoted as saying, "I wish I was dumber."

She did get a bit snarky, saying of Clare and Juan Pablo's "it doesn't count if we're in the ocean" sexcapade, "I think he had a bit of buyer's remorse."

And the part about that statement that was really interesting was the part where she didn't say that she wished that Juan Pablo was smarter, just that she wished that she was "dumber," meaning that was the only plausible way she could see their relationship working.

As the only girl who could have made for a somewhat likable Bachelorette, Renee took herself out of the running by pretty much confirming the reports that she got engaged since the season ended.

"I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm in a situation where I'm very happy."

That caused Chris Harrison to say, "The only way your going to jinx it is by calling it 'a situation.'"

Unfortunately, that means that Renee won't be the next Bachelorette, and if reports are true that the new one will come from one of the four finalists, that means we'll be stuck with a full season starring someone unlikable like Nicki, Clare or worse yet, Andi.

Andi, the most calculated person on the show, continued her quest to become the new Bachelorette by trying to serve as Chris Harrison's co-host, frequently jumping in and asking the other girls questions about their time on the show when Chris got distracted looking at Sharleen's boobs.

The funny part was that like Sharleen, Andi actually stood-up for Juan Pablo on several occasions, which was weird after the ridiculous confrontation that she staged with him during last week's episode.

However, much like an attorney going through the Jury selection process, it's going to be a really tough sell to find someone who's not already predisposed to hate Andi in the focus groups that are being put together to select ABC's next Emily Maynard.

In her much anticipated description of her disappointing night with Juan Pablo in the Fantasy Suite Andi said, "I remember (being) ready to go to sleep and just closing my eyes and waiting to be done."

Andi and Juan Pablo...Before she realized she was going to lose.

However, she clarified that she was just talking about falling asleep, and not having sex with Juan Pablo (wink, wink).

Juan Pablo tried to defend how he was being portrayed, saying that he had no regrets about how he treated the ladies, noting that he only physically struck them when they wouldn't shut up.

While Sharleen left Juan Pablo mid season because she knew they weren't a long term match, she still seemed to be lobbying to date him at the reunion, or at the very least for a post The Women Tell All hook-up at her hotel.

Kelly, who revealed that she had a gay parent, rightfully grilled Juan Pablo over his comments where he referred to gay people as "perverts."

She also broke down in the process, showing how much ignorant comments can affect people in real life...Even if she does have a dog nose.

Kelly Travis: And beneath that dog nose, is a nose that looks just like a dog's nose.

And with that, Chris Harrison cut things off and went to a blooper reel to distract America from the fact that ABC chose a total homophobe as their once much hyped Bachelor.

So that left us with Juan Pablo talking about needing the girls "accepting me and my little package." That prompted a producer to chime in and warn Juan Pablo that "little package" might be construed to mean his little penis.

Surprisingly, that may have been the first time all season that Juan Pablo didn't play the "language barrier" card.

The Bachelor Blog - "That's fine, it's okay."

 

This week's multi-part Bachelor event resumed for the Overnight Dates in Saint Lucia, where Juan Pablo looked forward to having the cameras off so he could "talk" with the girls in private.

And while it's a no-win situation for Juan Pablo to discuss what really goes on in the Fantasy Suites, if he's going to sugar coat it with a lie, he could have at least come up with a lie that was somewhat believable.

Things kicked off with Clare showing America her ass crack, telling Juan Pablo that she loved him, and pretending to agonize over whether she should accept his invitation to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite.

As you may all recall, Clare and Juan Pablo made the ocean their Fantasy Suite in Vietnam about a month ago.

This time the joke was on Juan Pablo, as while he took Clare to bed, he woke up with her fat sister, Laura.

As for his remaining Overnight Dates, Juan Pablo referred to Nikki as being "good with people," and Andi as being "so easy going," showing America that he was the worst judge of character ever...Or at least since Ben Flajnik.

Nikki's Overnight Date went well, culminating with her telling Juan Pablo that she loved him in order to get him to sleep with her. No word yet as to whether or not Juan Pablo remembered to change the "fantasy sheets" after his sleepover with Clare.

And while Juan Pablo also charmed Andi into the Fantasy Suite, saying that they "laughed all night long," she had apparently already decided that she was going to have an awful time in order to better frame her bid to become the next Bachelorette.

Right on cue, Andi left Juan Pablo's room saying, "Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite...The whole night was just a disaster."

No word yet on whether or not Andi Dorfman brought her one-piece lingerie along with her to the Fantasy Suite for Juan Pablo.

Apparently Andi's chief complaint was that Juan Pablo did not make the effort to talk with (or about) her after they woke up the next morning, meaning that she was likely a virgin who had never dealt with a man post coitus.

While the other girls made video messages following their dates, Andi made a point to tell a completely oblivious Juan Pablo, who had just said, "I like Andi, I like Andi a lot," her feelings in person.

In a true indication that all bitches are crazy no matter how book smart they are, Andi basically broke up with Juan Pablo and then demanded an explanation as to why from him.

And when Juan Pablo tried to make things easier on her by saying "That's fine, it's okay," Andi fumed, "Just don't say 'It's okay' ever again...I want to die if I have to hear 'it's okay' again."

Unlike Andi, a genuinely confused Juan Pablo showed some class and did his best to take the high ground saying, "She's a lawyer, I no want to argue with a lawyer."

By that point Andi was pissed, having realized that her big plan to try and land the gig as the new Bachelorette by making herself look like she was a victim wasn't working.

And while some people have bought into Andi's closing argument, it's kind of tough to take someone seriously when she came on a reality dating show along with 20 other women with the final goal of getting engaged, and then has the audacity to accuse the other person of not taking the time to get to know her...It's literally part of the deal.

Andi also took issue with Juan Pablo allegedly having told her that she made it to the final three girls over Renee by default, which only confused him because he did not know what that word even meant.

Andi left saying, "He doesn't get it, he never will...It's not a language barrier, he just doesn't see it."

In the end, Andi took Juan Pablo's "It's okays" to mean that he didn't give a shit, which even if that was his intent, shouldn't have mattered anyway because she was the one who had just dumped him.

The episode concluded with Juan Pablo telling Nikki and Clare, the two girls who hated each other the most, that Andi had left and that they were the two finalists...By default.

The Bachelor Blog - "I'm not going to let you manipulate momma!"

This week marked the start of the Hometown Dates, which should be more appropriately known as the "Mom Test Dates," where the Bachelor gets to see how all of his prospective brides will look in another seventeen years.

Nikki was first up, and she took Juan Pablo back home to Kansas City to eat barbecue, ride mechanical bulls and tip over cows.

As a plus, Juan Pablo seemed to totally dig the whole Midwest BBQ scene...Possibly even more so than he was digging Nikki.

When Nikki told her dad, "I feel like I've been given a great example of parents," he told her that he supported her in whatever she decides to do in life.

Nikki Farrell: And apparently that support includes posing topless.

Not only did Juan Pablo star in another M and M commercial, but he and Chris Harrison appeared in a shameless plug for the new film The Need for Speed, billing it as a date night movie...You know, because there's nothing more romantic than watching Paul Walker burn to death.

Next up was Andi. And while she works in Atlanta as a prosecutor, we were unsure of where she was from originally.

However, Andi answered that question and confirmed that she really was from Georgia when she took Juan Pablo to her hometown shooting range. 

When Andi arrived home she was greeted by a chorus of, "Welcome home Pookie!"

However, things quickly turned sour when she noted, "I saw the look of disapproval on my dad's face within the first five minutes, and I did not expect to see that."

That obviously confused Andi, because while her father Hy always warned her to never bring a black guy home, he never mentioned anything about not dating Hispanic guys who look white.

Of course, the source of Hy's disapproval may have been the result of Andi's mom, who not only looked much more ethnic than her redneck dad, but hit on Juan Pablo all evening as she practically begged him to salsa dance with her.

While things did not seem to be going smoothly, Andi confessed to the cameras that she was finally beginning to feel something special for Juan Pablo for the first time all season.

And I'm sure that those feelings had absolutely nothing to do with her father's disapproval, because girls never go out of their way to piss off their overly controlling dads.

The next date went to Renee in Sarasota, Florida, where she wanted Juan Pablo to meet her son before he disappeared from their lives forever.

Renee also failed to tell Juan Pablo she loved him during her Hometown Date, but unlike Nikki, she actually seemed to regret not doing so.

Last and possibly least was Clare, who took Juan Pablo back to Sacramento to meet her elderly mom and obese sister.

Juan Pablo exclaimed, "I cannot wait to see why you are the way you are," which was not necessarily a positive statement, just more of a statement out of curiosity. 

Clare made no attempt to hide the fact that her father was dead saying, "My dad would have been the one you talk to, the one you shake hands with and look in the eye."

Unfortunately for Clare, now that man is her sister, Laura.

That's right, this is Laura, Clare's sister, not her mother.

Clare then took Juan Pablo to her family's home, where she and her five sisters attempted to set the world record for saying the word "momma" in the least amount of time.

Clare also admitted that she'd be fine with a shotgun reality wedding, citing her own family's history.

And when Clare busted out flawless logic and stated, "Daddy knew mom for what, three weeks before they got engaged, and they were married for how long? (decades)," her sisters all nodded in approval.

All of Clare's sisters seemed to be on board with Juan Pablo, that is, except for Laura, the fat and jealous one who refused to give Clare her blessing.

Laura even took it upon herself to speak for Clare's mute mother by saying, "To give a blessing, I don't believe that we're there yet." 

That caused Clare to interrupt, "Hold on, momma doesn't, or you don't."

Laura then took a very protective stance, standing between Clare and her mother like an offensive lineman trying to protect his quarterback while yelling, "I'm not going to let you manipulate momma!"

When a clearly rattled Clare asked why her sister was being so difficult, Laura snapped, "Because you're not respecting momma!"

Laura then walked off to the corner of the back yard and creepily lurked, either trying to chaperon Clare's conversation with her mother, or more likely, secretly hoping that one of the cameramen would knock a deli plate off of the table so she could run over and gobble it up.

The Bachelor: Clare's sister Laura then went on to eat the family dog...And momma.

Fortunately, Juan Pablo came into their trailer and defused the situation, first talking to the fat sister, and then speaking in Spanish to "Momma."

Clare ended her Hometown Date by saying, "If he can look past my crazy family, I'd love to marry him. I'd love it, I would absolutely love it."

After the Hometown Dates were over, Juan Pablo handed out Roses to Nikki, Clare and Andi.

Sadly, Renee went home even though she was probably the only girl left who was even remotely marriage material.

For some reason, I think Renee will get the nod as the next Bachelorette even though she's a not so glamorous single mom, and despite the fact that Andi's clearly been posturing and auditioning for that role over the past several weeks.

The Bachelor Blog - "The only thing that pisses me off is that you didn't sing enough for me."

This week Juan Pablo brought the remaining six girls back to his adopted home city of Miami.

While most of the girls actually seemed happy to go there despite every guy under the age of forty thinking that he's was auditioning to replace Paul Walker in The Fast and the Furious every time he gets on the Florida Turnpike, Sharleen still had reservations.

"At this moment I'm not ready to introduce Juan Pablo to my family."

And while Sharleen's been bipolar about Juan Pablo all season, she finally let America know that her biggest hangup with him was...The fact that Juan Pablo's stupid!

"I still feel like I'm missing this cerebral connection that I so need."

Right on cue, the first 1-on-1 Date went to Sharleen, because Juan Pablo was too dumb to pick up on her signals and realize that she only viewed him as a temporary boy toy when she wasn't on tour doing opera groupies across the German countryside.

And while Sharleen continued to express her doubts about Juan Pablo to the camera, she kept leading him on with her lips.

When Juan Pablo finally put her on the spot and asked her how she felt about meeting his family, she could only manage to say, "I, I think it can work."

Regretting how she hesitated before she answered Juan Pablo's question, Sharleen described how it was for the other girls to lie and tell Juan Pablo what he wanted to hear by saying, "I wish I was a little dumber."

Fortunately, Juan Pablo was dumb enough for the both of them saying, "I love honesty," as he ignored the red-flags and decided to keep her around.

In case you missed it, M and M's debuted a new commercial starring Juan Pablo. Not surprisingly, no same color M and M's were allowed on screen together. 

When Nikki got the next 1-on-1 Date card that said, "listen to my heart beat," she asked, "Do I have to dance again," almost as if she was put off.

As it turns out, Juan Pablo took Nikki to his daughter Camilla's dance recital, where she got to meet his mom, dad, and ex-wife all while inappropriately dressed in daisy dukes and a low cut boobie shirt. 

When Juan Pablo returned back home, Sharleen was waiting for him to tell him that she had finally decided to go home.

As a true gentleman, Juan Pablo held it together and wiped her tears and told her not to be upset.

He then went on to say, "The only thing that pisses me off is that you didn't sing enough for me."

However, the cameras showed him breaking down in tears as soon as she left.

As she left, Sharleen attempted to explain to the cameras how she didn't see Juan Pablo as anything more than a temporary fuck buddy. "I just know that he doesn't have what I'm looking for in terms of a 'forever.'"

For the Group Date, Juan Pablo took the girls on sea plane to private island.

Chelsie, who received advice from both her mother and her father before coming on the show, shared their advice to Juan Pablo.

According to Chelsie, her mother told her not to chew gum, have more than two drinks, and to keep her clothes on.

On the other hand, Chelsie's father told her to have fun and to do the opposite of whatever her mom told her to do, making him the coolest dad ever!

Holding true to form, Andi got insecure and had another mini-melt down. Sadly, Juan Pablo once again rewarded that behavior by giving her the Group Date Rose. 

Shortly after this photograph was taken Andi Dorfman began crying because the guy in the panda costume was paying more attention to one of the other girls.

Because the recipient of the Group Date Rose got an extra 1-on-1 Date with Juan Pablo, Clare was infuriated.

"I deserve something amazing and wonderful...It doesn't make sense to me. It doesn't make sense...It's times like that make me question, 'what the fuck am I doing here?'"

When Juan Pablo took Andi dancing at a real live Latin club, he told her that he has more fun with her than any of the other girls, which was kind of confusing since Andi comes across as one of the least fun people on the planet.

With Andi out on the town with Juan Pablo, Clare and the other girls got the consolation prize of heading back to the hotel and hanging out with Nikki, who already had her 1-on-1 Date.

"We get to hang out with Nikki...I want to hang out with Nikki like I want to get stung by a jellyfish."

Nikki was no more excited to hang out Clare, and when she walked off to her room in the middle of a conversation, Clare chased her down.

That caused Nikki to snap, "I have nothing to say to you. Let's just be honest, we'll never be friends. Why don't you just excuse yourself?"

The two then went on to discuss who paid for the room, and who had the right to ask the other to leave.

Nikki blamed the incident on Clare for getting jealous over not getting a Rose or a 1-on-1 Date.

"There's been times where I didn't get a rose, very few, but I didn't act like that. Clare is like a dog. She peed on him first, like she claimed her territory, and the fact is she claimed some territory that might not be hers."

Nikki went on to lobby against Clare getting a Hometown Date.

"I think if Juan Pablo goes to Clare's home town he has a giant crazy family to meet. I mean, she didn't get crazy on her own, it had to come from somewhere."

Nikki then got a bit cocky, calling Juan Pablo her "boyfriend" whenever she mentioned his name, and even forgetting that he hadn't yet given her a Rose yet. "Well, I have a rose...Wait I don't? Pretty much." 

Whether it's her relationship with Juan Pablo, or the "modeling agency" at her local mall, Nikki Ferrell seems to have a pretty inflated view of herself.

Meanwhile, Chelsie was less confident saying, "I need this guy to see my hometown."

Unfortunately for Chelsie, nobody wants to go to Ohio, and Juan Pablo ended up giving Roses to Nikki and Renee over her.

Juan Pablo just couldn't see himself traveling to Ohio and wearing "pi-yamas" with Chelsie each Christmas.

That left Clare muttering, "Such a mistake, huge mistake," more bemoaning the fact that Nikki got a Rose than celebrating the one that she was fortunate to receive despite having showed him her crazy.

The Bachelor Blog: "You threw shit at each other?"

This week Juan Pablo and the girls traveled to New Zealand where he was so excited that he exclaimed, "Aye-yi-yi!"

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Andi for some type of river cave adventure, only she seemed confused when they got there and there were no crashed airplanes, putters or colored golf balls.

Ultimately, they made their way to a hot spring waterfall, where Andi would have essentially lived every white girls dream of showering with Juan Pablo, if only she wasn't dressed up like she was going to compete in a boys high school wrestling meet.

As Andi sat next to Juan Pablo she gushed, "This is by the most romantic date I've ever been on."

Unfortunately, with Andi Dorfman in a one piece bathing suit, Juan Pablo probably wasn't thinking the same thing.

And when Andi said, "It was crazy just to feel the heat of the earth bubbling up, coming through the water," it became obvious that Juan Pablo had the girls so boy crazy over him that could even talk themselves into getting excited over him farting in the water.

However, Juan Pablo did end up giving Andi a Rose at the end of their date, allowing her to keep playing "hide the crazy" for at least one more week.

The Group Date can best be described by the question, 'What do you get when you mix Hobbits, balls and girls in bikinis?'

Sadly, it wasn't as cool as what you might have been thinking.

In fact, those three things somehow made for the most boring Group Date in The Bachelor history. 

As it turns out, Juan Pablo took the girls to the lush countryside where The Lord of the Rings movies were filmed in order to roll down hills in giant inflatable balls filled with water.

When Chelsie saw the countryside she exclaimed, "It kind of reminds me kind a little like Ohio, except we don't have hills."

Of course, Chelsie might have been overselling Ohio just a little bit, forgetting to mention all of the jean shorts, the miles upon miles of brown fields, and people who don't know how to stay the fuck out of the fast lane when they drive under the speed limit. 

Juan Pablo went on to tell Renee that she was one of his "special ones."

Of course, he said the same thing to Cassandra Ferguson, and he sent her home before the Rose Ceremony for having a baby with NBA player (notice how I didn't say star), Rodney Stuckey.

The Group Date Rose ended up going to Sharleen, the girl who doesn't even like Juan Pablo but keeps him around just for the sport of it...Wait, that's not how this show is supposed to work, is it?

The second 1-on-1 Date went to Clare, for a "casual" date with Juan Pablo. And by "casual," I mean that they simply put on sweat pants, t-shirts, and didn't have sex in the ocean.

At the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Juan Pablo said about Rene, "There's nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid."

Of course he meant to add, "Except for Cassandra and her ugly baby," who was the obvious exception to that rule.

In addition to Cassandra's early exit, Juan Pablo also sent Kat home at the Rose Ceremony.

That caused Kat, the other ex-NBA cheerleader on the show to bemoan, "All my life I've been told how great I am, and what a great catch I am, and yet, here I sit."

And honestly, who can blame Kat for feeling like a failure now that she's pushing the age of 30 without even having landed a bitchin' child support check like Cassandra scored by the age of 19.

And as the show continues, Renee, the other single mom, has to be considered the new favorite in the clubhouse...If for no other reason than Chris Harrison asking in amazement, "You threw shit at each other?"

The Bachelor Blog: "So I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants."

This week Juan Pablo and the girls traveled to Vietnam, where Kat showed us all her worldly side by saying, "It's kind of like Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?  He travels and we follow."

Renee was thrilled to get the 1-on1-Date that she had been coveting. "It's a really weird sensation that I haven't felt in a long time that kind of makes my palms hurt."

And while we all worry about Renee, the likable single mother in the house, once she builds up some calluses I'm sure she'll be just fine.

Renee got mixed signals on her date, earning a Rose, but not getting the first kiss with Juan Pablo that she'd been seeking.

That caused Renee to irrationally attempt to rationalize the situation. "If Juan Pablo doesn't kiss me tonight that's okay, it's okay," before she finally acknowledged, "It's not really okay."

Something tells me that Juan Pablo had Renee at "sweat drenched American Apparel t-shirt."

For the Group Date, Juan Pablo and the girls took Vietnamese teacup boat rides down a river.

Of course Clare, had nobody to partner up with, so she had to ride with Juan Pablo...Because nobody could see that coming.

Kelly reflected upon Clare taking every opportunity she could to get 1-on-1 time with Juan Pablo. "Can we hate her for that?"

She answered her own question when she matter of factly said, "I mean, we can."

And when Clare got the first alone time with Juan Pablo at the post Group Date cocktail party, Kelly sarcastically said, "Should we just take the Rose down there and give it to her?"

Sure enough, Juan Pablo took Clare to his suite and what seemed to be his private pool. That caused Clare to gush, "We keep ending up in the water in our bathing suits. I'm not mad at that."

However, Juan Pablo also took Sharleen to the beach, where they made out, and ditto for Andi.

And as he got ready to give out the Rose for the Group Date Juan Pablo said, "My conversations with all of you were really good." That is, except the remaining black girl, who he was yet to talk to.

Danielle Ronco: What do comic books have in common with D.C. Comics? D.C. Comics doesn't have any black girls either.

To nobody's surprise, Clare got the Group Date Rose. To nobody else's surprise, Andi got pissed when she got it.

While most girls would have been content just to get the rose, Clare went back to Juan Pablo's suite in the middle of the night to get him to swim in the ocean, because she's "never done that before."

However, when Clare said she'd "never done that before," she wasn't referring to making a 2 a.m. booty call, but rather the part about swimming in an ocean.

And while Juan Pablo went along with the idea, he almost immediately seemed to regret it saying, "We got a little wild too."

And by "wild," I think Juan Pablo meant to say that he might have let Clare Crawley squeeze his "Aye-yi-yi."

At first Nikki seemed happy to get the final 1-on-1 Date instead of going on the dreaded Group Date, before letting it slip that it was really all about the competition.

"I might not get the rose on a Group Date." She then immediately cut herself short by arrogantly adding, "That would be stupid, because I always do."

When Juan Pablo revealed to Nikki, who's afraid of heights, that they would be repelling down a cave that the locals affectionately refer to as "Hell," she sounded less than pleased.

"All I can do is picture myself plummeting to the bottom."

Of course, everyone watching at home was thinking the exact same thing, but only in a happy, wishful thinking kind of way.

Nikki went on to lay out her options. "So I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants," before she astutely added, "This is a lot like falling in love."

And while I'm no expert, that makes me think that Nikki Ferrell is probably not long term relationship material...That is, unless you're into that kind of thing. 

But apparently pooping herself wasn't even the the fatal flaw that she didn't want Juan Pablo to know about, as she warned him, "Don't ever talk to me in the morning (because) not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time."

And while Nikki was apparently talking about the Utopian holy trinity since she mentioned "Sunshine and rainbows," she sadly forgot the third prong, Camaros...She forgot to mention the fucking Camaros.

A lack of bitchin' muscle cars aside, Nikki still got a Rose for their 1-on-1 Date. 

At the Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony Juan Pablo diplomatically said, "It's hard, I'm liking these girls, and I don't know what I'm going to do."

But deep down inside he really knew what he was going to do. And if you're new to The Bachelor, I'll give you a hint...It rhymes with "send the black girl home."

While Juan Pablo had refrained from kissing Renee earlier in the episode out of respect for her being a single mother, he finally just attacked her mid-sentence before saying, "I wanted to kiss you three weeks ago!"

He then smacked his hands together in self approval of his actions, while Renee twirled around like a single mom who hadn't kissed a hot guy in eight years...Or Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire.

The look on Renee's Oteri's face as she realized Juan Pablo was going in for their first kiss was priceless.

Juan Pablo clearly felt bad for letting Clare give him a hand-job in the ocean, even going so far as to pull her aside and tell her "It was a little weird for me."

And after Juan Pablo took a shit in Clare's Easter basket, he actually had the nerve to ask her, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

All in all, Juan Pablo's strategy was an act of man genius, as only in this setting could a guy hook up with a girl, completely blow her off the next day, and still be looked at by women across the country as a "gentleman" who was just doing "the right thing." 

Clare continued to maintain that their ocean romp was mutual by saying, "If he didn't think it was right, he shouldn't have done it."
Unfortunately for Clare, when a man seduces you and he blows you off, it's shame on him. But when you seduce a man and then he blows you off, it's shame on you.

It's really all just about who took the risk in initiating the underwater hand-job on national TV...Everyone knows that.

When Clare returned to the Cocktail Party crying, she lied and told the other girls, "My allergies are awful," much to everyone's delight.

And while Clare's long term fate had likely been sealed, she still had the Group Date Rose.

So with Clare safe for at least this week, Juan Pablo also sent Alli and Kelly home.

And while it was sad to see Kelly, the pug nosed dog girl go because she had the most snarky one-liners in the house, at least she'll be able to go someplace with lots of land where she'll be able to run free without a leash.

Pug nosed Kelly Travis: And like all other girls who love dogs way too much, maybe she can resolve the issues she has about the relative who sexually assaulted her when she was a kid.

The Bachelor Blog - "I kind of want to crap my pants"

This week's episode of The Bachelor began with with the announcement that the girls would be packing up and traveling to South Korea, where Juan Pablo would forced to explain reality TV to government officials or risk the execution of his family.

Oh wait, that's North Korea.

Things kicked off with a Group Date focused around 2NE1 (pronounced "twenty-one"), a K-Pop (Korean pop) group that can probably be best described as The Spice Girls meets Hello Kitty meets the Pussy Cat Dolls, all in a mall inspired concert inspired by Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

So in other words, the K-Pop as a genre pretty much just represents every awkward teenage boy's wet dream all rolled up into one this side of Alyssa Milano.

Nikki was upset to learn that she would be going on the first Group Date of the week instead of the 1-on-1 Date that she was seeking.

However, she said, "I'm not going to like pout and throw a giant fit like I kind of want to do," which ironically, is exactly what she went on to do.

She went on to say, "It's weird for me, you know I don't have sisters at home, and I don't have to share a lot of things at home."

The only thing Nikki Ferrell forgot to mention was the part where she's an aspiring model...and that she doesn't have any friends back at home either.

And when she found out that she'd be dancing onstage with a girl-group Nikki could only say, "This is my worst nightmare...I kind of want to crap my pants."

Unlike Nikki, Kat, the former Phoenix Sun dancer, was absolutely ecstatic for the opportunity to crap her pants in front of thousands of screaming teens if it gave her a chance to show off the fact that she used to fuck mediocre NBA players.

Wait, what's that? Cassandra Ferguson is the ex-cheerleader who used to fuck NBA players? And who is Kat Hurd, and why is she wearing two bras?

Meanwhile, after dancing to a Korean girl pop group, Nikki referred to herself a "hip-hop star," as Vanilla Ice turned over in his grave somewhere in south Florida.

Juan Pablo then took the girls to the Korea Furniture Museum, not understanding that all women love IKEA, not IKOREA.

On the Group Date, bitches be hatin' on Nikki for trying to manipulate Juan Pablo's time, but it paid off when she got some precious alone time with him.

And when Juan Pablo asked Nikki, "How do you feel about Camilla," she said, "I'd love to meet her...I'm a great diaper changer," apparently not realizing that Camilla is four, not two.

The 1-on-1 Date went to Sharleen, who Juan Pablo referred to as, "My favorite one right now."

However, the jury was still out about whether Sharleen even liked Juan Pablo, was just trying to advance her career as an opera singer, just wanted to screw him, or all the above.

However, as the date went on Sharleen seemed impressed that Juan Pablo was "not bland," noting how he was "cheeky" and a bit of a "smart ass."

And while being called "not bland" isn't exactly a vote of confidence, when a girl tells you that you're a "smart ass" you're probably doing something right.

When Sharleen went on to say, "He is curious about the world, about other lifestyles,"she obviously meant to add, "with the exception of homosexuals."

Things got interesting when Juan Pablo asked Sharleen to show him a little something-something at the end of their date.

And while she acted as if she was reluctant, you could tell she wanted to. "Mister, this is our first real date, it takes a while for me to feel comfortable with someone to just sort of...Close your eyes."

Then, after 30 seconds and several high pitched shrills, Sharleen was done singing opera for Juan Pablo.

Sharleen Joynt then went in aggressive for some aggressively sloppy kissing with Juan Pablo.

Sharleen then went on tell Juan Pablo that she hated living in Germany initially because nobody there could speak English, and that she once had a relationship with a guy that didn't go very well because she couldn't handle the fact that he had a four year old daughter with another woman.

And after confirming that Sharleen probably wasn't the right girl for him or his own four-year-old daughter, Juan Pablo gave her a rose because he appreciated her honesty...And her pipes.

The second Group Date involved a simple stroll around the city of Seoul to explore its local culture. 

Juan Pablo's "smart ass" side came back out when Clare randomly complained about the possibility of having to eat octopus.

"Clare is great, she says, please tell me we're not going to eat octopus....Uhhh...You just made the worst mistake of your life," as Juan Pablo forced the girls to all try

However, Kelly T. was less than impressed with Clare's antics as she protested eating her octopus testicle to get attention.  "Her piece was literally this big, and I know you've swallowed bigger things than that."

Kelly Travis and friend Lindsay Larson...I've always wanted a Bud Light penis.

The pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party probably would have been more dramatic, only Juan Pablo started getting stingy about who he would kiss, making it pretty obvious which girls he thought had STD's...And still didn't care.

Sure enough, Lauren S. got denied when she tried to kiss Juan Pablo, who told her "Sorry" when she asked him for "un beso" (a kiss), under the guise that he didn't want his daughter Camilla see him kiss girls that he didn't think were pretty. 

On the other hand, when Clare was asked, "Are you going to try and kiss him," she replied, "Oh, I'm not going to try and kiss him."

But first, she had to set the mood just right, telling Juan Pablo, "Oh my God, I ate octopus! Do you know what happened? I threw up in my mouth."

Of course, Juan Pablo was still on his no kiss policy, but Clare wisely countered that by reminding him that she had instituted a "no kiss" policy of her own just one week earlier.

And through the power of double negatives, Juan Pablo realized that he was obligated to kiss Clare, even though he didn't want to.

At the Rose Ceremony, Juan Pablo elected not to give a rose to Lauren or Elise.

That allowed Elise Mosca to go back to being "The Jersey Whore" as "The Situation's" long standing booty call. Wait, has Snooki already trademarked that phrase?

And as she left, Elise tried to justify her departure saying, "Do you know what? My mom didn't want me to be around such negative and ugly people."

Of course, Elise Mosca's mom was just a whore too.

The Bachelor Blog - "I'm wearing glasses and no makeup, I'm not wearing a bra"

This week's episode of The Bachelor began with Pablo's daughter seemingly declaring on national TV that she didn't want chicken by saying, "No quiero pollo!"

However, what little Camilla was really trying to say that she "didn't want any gays," but her words got misconstrued due to the "language barrier."

The first 1-on-1 date of the week went to Cassandra, whom Juan Pablo took boating in some sort of James Bond inspired amphibious car, or as Cassandra said, "It kind of reminds me of a Jeep!"

Cassandra then proceeded to repeatedly tell Juan Pablo and the cameras how that her last "last first date was three years ago (when she was 18)."

The part she left out was that it was with NBA player Rodney Stuckey, and that it only took that one date for her to get pregnant.

Rodney Stuckey, Cassandra Ferguson, and their baby, "Gollum."

So when Cassandra showed Juan Pablo pictures of her son Tre, his only response was, "He's big," which was his way of saying, "Holy focking sheet, I didn't realize you managed to get knocked up by an NBA player at the age of 18."

Cassandra also revealed that "the last time that a guy cooked for me, was never," and that the last time a guy went down on her was...Well, lets just say that it was longer than three years ago.

However, instead of jumping in the water and swimming for shore, Juan Pablo for some reason gave Cassandra a rose.

That caused her to say (all in chorus now), "The last time I felt this way about a guy was three years ago."

The Group Date theme was announced as, "Let's kick it," which not so surprisingly turned out to be a soccer date.

And when the girls arrived at the stadium, they found Juan Pablo practicing with the L.A. Galaxy, because he needed a warm-up for playing soccer with girls.

Upon seeing him, Renee exclaimed, "Juan Pablo looks awesome! He's all sweaty, and he's doing what he loves!" Sadly, nobody ever says the same thing about adult film stars...Like Elise Mosca.

Kelly Travis complained about the theme of the date saying, "Do I look athletic at all?" Luckily for her, it was just soccer and not a real sport, like tennis.

For some reason Lucy didn't take the opportunity to rip her shirt off, even though soccer is the one medium outside of strip clubs and NASCAR infields where it acceptable for women to run around topless.

At the post date Cocktail Party, Sharleen, who was lukewarm at best to Juan Pablo when he offered her the First Impression Rose during week one, aggressively tongue kissed him to the extent that he had to tell her, "That's enough."
Worse yet, she did it in view of the other girls, which as you can guess, went over splendidly. That caused Andi to say in disappointment, "I just made out with him, I figured the rose was mine."

In actuality, the Group Date Rose went to Nikki, who wasn't even expecting to get it, nor was anybody else. 

The second 1-on-1 date of the week went to Chelsie, a "science educator" from Ohio, which in that state means that she probably teaches creationism at a Christian school just outside of Columbus.

That caused Elise to freak the fuck out. "I don't know if she's ready to be a step-mom. She seems like a baby to me (and) I don't know if having another daughter is what he wants."

Chelsie was visibly nervous to go out with Juan Pablo, apparently she hadn't been on a first date since she went out with Cassandra three years ago.

Juan Pablo took Chelsie out for Venezuelan food and a tandem bungee jump, which probably was the the wrong sequence to schedule those events.

In fact, if Juan Pablo was expecting a romantic evening, he probably should have skipped the Venezuelan food altogether.

Never mind.

After much delay and an anxiety attack, Chelsie finally tandem bungee jumped off of a tall bridge with Juan Pablo.

"I fucking jumped off a bridge! "I never had a first kiss hanging upside down off a bridge. That's about as epic as a first kiss gets."

In addition to her first kiss, Chelsie also got a rose and song from the new Bachelor house band, Maroon 5, who announced a new tour where they will be playing each and every 1-on-1 Date.

Unbeknownst to the other girls, Juan Pablo snuck into the Mansion to cook breakfast for all of them. Of course, his ulterior motive was to catch all of them at a time when they were not necessarily looking their best.

Kelly was the first to realize that Juan Pablo was downstairs in the kitchen cooking when she got up early to walk her dog, Molly...Which for some reason she was allowed to bring with her on the show.

Sure enough, Kelly quickly scrambled upstairs covering her unmade pug like nose saying, "My grandmother said never let a man see you without your face on."

But then Kelly said, "I'm wearing glasses and no makeup, I'm not wearing a bra," which actually turned me on just a little bit...At least until I realized that she was still Kelly Travis.

Kelly Travis tragically had the end of her nose severed during rough sex, kind of like the girl in Silence of the Lambs, only she was trying to do it with a German shepherd, not a serial killer.

Unlike Kelly, Clare managed to catch Juan Pablo's eye even in a natural state. That caused him to say in his best Hispanic accent, "Clare look really good in p-yamas."

What began as breakfast, turned into a bikini pool party.

That turned Kelly into the girl who pooped in everyone's Easter basket, saying about Sharleen, "You can be a little bit more considerate, because there are fourteen other girls and you look like a whore."

And when Nikki procured Juan Pablo as a partner for a game of chicken Kelly complained, "Juan Pablo's head was in her crotch for like twenty minutes."

Of course, as the girl who was clearly sexually abused as a child and now takes dogs just a little too seriously, Kelly was just pissed off that somebody else got to sniff the first crotch of the season.

For some reason I'm thinking that Kelly Travis is still going to be looking for a "forever home" after Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor is over.

After acting like an ice princess in week one, and then a desperate fame seeking whore this week, Sharleen seemed to have a mini-melt down.

"When you have to make a spectacle of yourself to be noticed, that's just not how I would be like in the real world."

That caused Juan Pablo to hug her, and Sharleen to break down crying in a touching moment of knowing where the camera was.

In the end, Lucy Aragon and her boobs were too much, or possibly too little for Juan Pablo to take, and he sent her home without a rose.

Likewise, he also sent some girl named Christy home, who was probably the least memorable girl this side of Lauren S.

But don't worry about Lucy, she landed on her feet. The free spirited hippie was also so selfless that she compromised her anti-corporation beliefs purely in the name of true love when she began dating Evan Spiegel, the CEO of Snapshot after the show aired.

Lucy Aragon probably wasn't step-mom material for Juan Pablo's little girl, but she does make for a nice little sex toy for Snapshot's CEO.