Saturday, December 15, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I guess it bit me on my big Brazilian ass"



The final episode of the season began with Michael Skupin winning the first Reward Challenge, which consisted of racing into the ocean to collect rings, and then tossing them onto to poles.

As his reward, he won a whale watching cruise complete with pizza a pop. Able to take two other players with him, he selected Malcolm and Lisa, leaving enemies Abi and Denise alone together back at camp.

Not realizing that she was totally expendable, Abi complained "I guess my vote doesn't mean anything."

Abi kept trying to make the other members believe that she had found a hidden Immunity Idol, even though she hadn't. Unfortunately, nobody was buying in on her lie.

Or as Denise said, "She keeps talking about how she's got the hidden Immunity Idol. None of us believes she has one, not even for a minute."

At his reward, Skupin decided to drink pop, even though he never drinks sugar in real life. Fast forward 15 minutes, and he was acting like a drunk girl on her 21st birthday.

That caused Malcolm to observe, "All of a sudden Michael Skupin's fun to be around. Who knew?"

Denise was bit in the neck by some sort of insect, which caused crazy religious zealot Lisa Whelchel to pray for God to "push the poison out."

On the other hand, Abi was not so sympathetic. "I came her not to be feeling bad for other people, I came here for a million dollars," as she flashed an evil and opportunistic grin.

The Immunity Challenge involved laying planks to cross a rope bridge, grabbing puzzle pieces along the way. Malcolm ended up winning, giving him both Immunity and the hidden Immunity Idol.

However, when Denise asked him if he would consider giving her his Immunity Idol since it was the last Tribal Council at which anyone could play it, he declined, selfishly saying that he wanted to save it as a souvenir for his mother.

Tribal Council began with Abi proclaiming how Skupin would not win the game. When Jeff Probst asked him what he thought about her statement, Abi interrupted and took things a bit further.

"Because you're an idiot, that's why you're going to lose a million dollars." And when Skupin said, "Anyways Jeff, to finish my thought," Abi interrupted him again and finished it for him by saying, "You're a moron."

Abi went on to tell Denise, "You're just not a good person. I don't like you," which pretty much ruled out anybody taking her along to the final three even though she would have been a lock to beat since everyone in America, and probably even Brazil, hates her.

After getting voted out, Abi reflected on her game. "After the merge, I was targeted as a crazy Latina. I say it as it is, like it or hate me, and I guess it bit me on my big Brazilian ass."

No kidding, Abi Maria-Gomes's ass is fucking huge.
When Denise commented who Abi was "full of fire," Malcolm interrupted and said "I'm not sure it's fire."

The final Reward Challenge involved walking a balance beam in order to untie puzzle pieces, and then solving a bitchin' dragon puzzle that would have made Coach jizz in his pants.

Malcolm ended up winning, which gave him an unspecified advantage in the final Immunity Challenge.

However, much like how he refused to give his closest ally Denise his extra Immunity Idol, his arrogance began to take over when he wouldn't commit to her offer to go to the final two together.

Even with an an advantage, Malcolm still ended up finishing in last place at the Immunity Challenge, as Skupin being able to balance a ball on two planks of wood that he had to keep pressed together with his arms the longest.

Sure enough, Malcolm having distanced himself from Denise over the previous few days cost him her allegiance, and he was voted out even though he was the strongest player and in a position of power just a day or so earlier.

That left Lisa, Denise and Skupin to plead their cases to the Jury.

Denise made no apologies to anyone, emphasizing how she had to prove herself to three different tribes, worked hard, and was strong in the challenges.

Lisa credited her brother for informing her that it was okay to screw people over and be Christian at the same time, mainly that's because what Catholic priests and televangelists do all the time.

Micheal proclaimed that he survived in spite of having the biggest target on his back of anyone in the game, which was comical since people kept letting him slide at Tribal Council each week since they didn't view him as any type of threat.

Of the Jury questions, only Penner had anything interesting to say.

First, he called Denise out by saying, "You were afraid of being seen as a bitch. You can rest assured that you have now show the world that side."

He then went on to out Lisa a former TV star, saying, "You guys deserve to know that when you vote or don't vote for her, that she's kept that from you."

Lisa tried to respond by asking Penner if he revealed his job to the other players, but he played it off by pining, "I don't think it's going to affect the outcome tonight, I'll tell you later."

And with Skupin having coasted to the finals, and Lisa having sold her soul to the Devil just to get as far as she did, Denise, the "little old sex therapist from Cedar Rapids, Iowa" was voted the winner of Survivor: Philippines.

Sadly, Lisa was voted the prize of being America's favorite player over Malcolm, proving that crazy religious people still make up more of our population than we'd like to admit.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I'm considering making a really bad strategic play just for my morale. That's how bad of a human being Abi is"



The episode began with the contestants loved one's arriving to compete in the Reward Challenge.

Those arrivals included Carter and Abi's moms, Skupin's son, Denise's husband, Malcolm's brother, but not Lisa's husband, since he divorced her even though he was their church pastor.

She was instead reunited with her MUCH younger brother, to which Jeff Probst proclaimed, "I've gotta say Lisa, I've seen some pretty powerful moments involving loved ones, but this may be the tops."

Of course, Jeff may have conveniently forgotten about the classic moment where Kat realized that her cousin was there to see her, crawled on all fours to greet him while barking like a dog, and then excitedly peed on the ground when she got to him.


Kat Edmundson then proceeded to dry hump the bejesus out of her cousin, leaving no reasonable doubt in anyone's mind that the two of them weren't fucking...And yes, it was exactly as hot as it sounds.

Abi's mom greeted her daughter by telling her that she was too thin...

Which is something that Abi should enjoy while she can after looking at her genetics.

The Reward Challenge involved knocking down bars with muddy bag. That somehow left Skupin's son "bloody from here to here," to which his injury prone dad proclaimed, "That's my boy!"

Malcolm and his bother miles ended up winning the reward, and he elected to let Lisa and Skupid both spend some additional time with their loved ones around camp, while the others were sent home.

After watching Malcolm's brother Miles and listening to him talk about him, it's pretty clear that while one went to an Ivy League school, the other one was retarded.

While Lisa confided that she didn't think that God chose sides when it came to games like Survivor, she also hypocritically prayed to him or her that she would win.

It took Lisa's brother to convince her that playing the game was not about doing right and wrong, but about winning not matter who you screw over.

The Immunity Challenge involved walking a balance beam, fishing for puzzle bags with hooks, and swimming to shore and solving a puzzle.

Perhaps cementing her record as the worst competitor ever, Jeff Probst shouted that Abi was "taking as much time as she can to get into the water."

Malcolm ended up winning, giving him Personal Immunity for the week as well as a Hidden Immunity Idol...Putting him two ahead of Abi and her made up Idol that she kept threatening to play.

While Abi thought that she was making a masterful move, the others not only didn't believe her but they couldn't stand her, especially Malcolm.

"Nobody can stand having her around, she's a bitch...We're really considering getting rid of this angry, unsociable Brazilian girl over a really fit athletic guy. I'm considering making a really bad strategic decision just for my morale. That's how terrible of a human being Abi is. If Abi goes home tonight, it's because she's a bitch."

Unlike Abi Maria-Gomes, I always thought you were supposed to lose weight as the game of Survivor progressed to the end.

Perhaps the dumbest person to play Survivor since Leif, Carter had to be informed why he could no longer vote for Malcolm even though he won Immunity, asking "Why not?"

Not surprisingly, it was Carter who was voted out at Tribal Council, who complained that the remaining contestants were "playing with their heads and not their hearts."

Of course, that statement pretty much explained exactly why his naive ass was sent packing back to Kansas, where apparently playing strategically is apparently optional.

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "Yeah. No, I'm not going to hug anyone else"



Perpetually oblivious to everyone else around her, Abi-Maria scolded her fellow competitors for having the audacity to take her to task for her bitchy attitude at Tribal Council.

"Yesterday you guys were brutal towards me. I never felt that any of you felt that way about me. It wasn't cute, you understand that?"

Do you know else what isn't cute? Bitch faced Brazilian women who look like Brazilian dudes...But enough about Gisele Bundchen, Abi-Maria Gomez kind of sucks too.

That must of struck a chord with Malcolm, who was either kissing Abi's ass for a jury vote or just posturing to sleep with her.

"Abi's very un-self aware. It's hard not to feel a little sympathy for her."

Denise was less than impressed with Abi's antics, predicting she'd be going home next "Unless she miraculously wins Immunity, which I doubt."

Of course, making blanket assumptions about how someone is a sure fire bet to go home in the game of Survivor is pretty much the equivalent to handing someone an Immunity Idol...Just sayin'.

This week's Reward Challenge was replaced with Survivor's annual food auction, which is the equivalent of giving a group of drug addicts $500 and allowing them to bid on a limited number of dime-bags, eight balls and bumps.

Sadly, steroid era baseball player Jeff Kent didn't make it around long enough to bid on any "juice."

Skupin started off by bidding all $500 on a wine and cheese plate even though he's not an alcohol drinker. That caused even Jeff Probst to ask, "So that wine's just going to go to waste? Because otherwise I'll drink it."

When Penner won a plate of fried chicken, Jeff noted, "You got a weird look in your eye!"

As an Oscar winning screen play writer, Penner was simply demonstrating "the eye of the writer." Either that or he's just a fat guy who loves fried chicken.

Carter was the big loser even though he won two bids, because both of his prizes came with a twist that ended up benefiting the tribe more than it did himself.

First he voluntarily traded a loaded baked potato for extra beans and rice back at camp. Then he learned that the veal shanks that he bid on came with the catch that they had to be shared with everyone else.

Of course, the concept of a luxury food item like a veal shank may have been lost on Carter anyways, as he said, "The meat just melted in my mouth, whatever that thing was."

Abi-Maria wisely saved her money and used her entire $500 on an advantage in the game, which turned out to be a free pass to the third and final phase of the upcoming Immunity Challenge that she desperately needed to win.

Not only did Abi-Maria Gomez gain an advantage, but she also preserved her track record of not really having to compete in any of Survivor's competitions.

Even Malcolm, who earlier had expressed some sympathy for Abi seemed frustrated over the possibility that she might be able to save herself and remain in the game.

"Abi is like having a girlfriend who hasn't gotten the message and won't leave after you've broken up with her. She's bitter, she hasn't forgiven you, and your not getting the benefit of having a girlfriend around anymore."

And while we now know that Malcolm and Abi-Maria were not having sex like he and Angie did, at least he strategically mind fucked her for her jury vote considering that he was the only one to console her about the way she was treated at Tribal Council...Well done Malcolm.

The Immunity Challenge was yet another series of obstacle courses, with weight packs added to the competitors when they incorrectly answered questions about the game.

It was noted how having boobs and weight were a disadvantage, but that didn't stop Penner, who advanced to the finals along with Carter where they met Abi, who was fresh from not having to compete in the first two legs.

And just as it was scripted, Abi won Immunity. That caused Denise to sigh, "You gotta be freakin' kidding me."

Lisa, for some reason having the need to explain every move in the game that she's going to make, told Penner that he was the target of her alliance with Malcolm and Denise.

That allowed Penner to work Mike as the swing vote, assuming he could get Abi and Carter to join forces with him.

At Tribal Council, Jeff Probst asked Lisa if the game compared to any of her experiences in real life.

Lisa responded by saying "Yes," but stated that they were too difficult for her to talk about, obviously referencing how her husband of 24 years broke his alliance with her by filing for divorce even though he was her church Pastor.

Abi showed her displeasure towards Denise by sticking her tongue out at her, but ultimately Skupin utilized his swing vote to go along with Malcolm, Denise and Lisa, sending Penner home by a vote of 4-3.

Much like the Amish on reality TV shows, Brazilians never socially mature past the age of 13.

Obviously having formed a bond with Lisa, Penner gave her a hug as he left the game as a showing that he held no hard feelings.

However, when Abi asked if she could have a hug too, Penner blew her off.

"Yeah. No, I'm not going to hug anyone else," before saying, "Guys, keep your sunny sides up, and then suck eggs!"

Friday, November 30, 2012

Blogging Survivor - Philippines: "You didn't grasp that the people laughing at you is a sign in our culture that your full of it?"



Abi continued to prove that her instincts are always wrong by demanding to know why Lisa voted against her alliance despite their vow to stay "Tandang strong," when in fact it was Skupin who voted against his former tribe to blindside Peter.

With a perpetual need to please everyone she meets, much like my mother, Lisa worried about breaking away from Abi even though she had treated her like shit for the entire game.

"I have never been good at break-ups...I have continued in relationships way too long just because I didn't want to hurt them."

And while Abi, Peter and Artis kept Lisa and Skupin on the ass end of their alliance for most of the game, Abi chastised Lisa for thinking about joining the former Kalabaw Tribe alliance along with Michael.

At that point Lisa finally stood up for herself by telling Abi, "At this point I'm willing to be 6th and feel good that the people I'm with aren't going to be calling me out at Tribal Council saying they don't trust me."



Retro Commercial Break: The Converse Weapon NBA rap commercial

The Reward Challenge divided Dangrayne into two different teams where they competed one on one to see who could flip all three of their drums face up at one time the fastest, while the opposing player tried to flip their drums back over.

Competing in what seemed like her first competition of the season, Abi seemed confused with the objective of the challenge, which was to win.

And while Abi had been quick to call out her own tribe mates for what she perceived to be treasonous actions, she actually flipped her opponent's drum over, putting her team at an early disadvantage.

That caused Jeff to wonder out loud, "Abi, are you clear on what's happening down here? Sure enough, Abi responded by saying, "No, not really."

However, Abi's team was barely able to overcome her stupidity, and wound up winning the reward that consisted of a spa trip, drinks, various meats, and a case of the shits when Skupin also flipped over the wrong drum in the final heat.

Unlike the other winning competitors, who were at one point in their lives taught tact, Abi returned to camp talking about how great the experience was.

"I feel like I have a three month baby kicking in my belly," apparently in need of another good bowel movement.

In response to rubbing the losing team the wrong way Malcolm proclaimed, "Abi had all the social grace of a Mack Truck."

Abi-Maria Gomes and her "precious" Immunity Idol that she stole from RC.

Upset when she heard the others talking about her lack of tact, Abi then went on to proclaim that she was done cooking...Apparently temporarily thinking that she was a man.

"You guys better step up to the plate, because I'm done with the cooking." When asked if she intended to eat Abi arrogantly responded by saying, "I don't want to cook, but I definitely want to eat. I don't want to starve to death."

That caused Penner to suggest the other Dangrayne split their votes 3-3 between Peter and Abi, which would allow them to send her home in the event that she did not play her Immunity Idol.

Abi told Peter that they needed to send Peter home...Apparently not understanding that they would actually need to out-vote the players who were against them in order to accomplish that.

Malcolm attempted to set up a final four alliance by asking Penner if he and Lisa would join up with Denise and himself.

Malcolm Freberg wasn't as good looking back when he played football at Dartmoth.

And while most people would jump at the chance to enter into a deal that would give them numbers to the end, Lisa hesitated, wanting to ask Penner and Carter to join forces with her and Skupin instead. 

Of course, that's when Penner's arrogance kicked in, as he told Lisa that it was too early for him to make a final four deal, even though he didn't have a fallback plan.

That caused Lisa and Penner to reluctantly join forces with Malcolm and Denise, which is probably the best thing that could have happened to them short of Abi losing the ability to speak.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of a navigating a buoy through a rope and a series of obstacles.

Carter ended up winning Immunity, which is odd because I'm pretty sure that he's the type of guy who has Velcro on his shoes so he doesn't have to tie his laces...Kind of like Denard Robinson from the University of Michigan.

At Tribal Council, Abi claimed that she was misunderstood because of language issues. "You didn't grasp that the people laughing at you is a sign in our culture that your full of it."

That caused the normally reserved Denise to interject, "I've spent much of my life with people who English is not their first language, and they're helpful, they're kind, and they're many qualities that are just not a part of who Abi is."

As if soccer wasn't bad enough without Abi-Maria Gomes.

When Jeff Probst asked if Abi was a candidate to go farther in the game because she was without an alliance, Denise agreed, but indicated that's not how she'd play the game.

"If that's the game you want to play. You see that season after season, people take the dead weight, they take the unlikable person."

And when Denise essentially called Abi a retard by saying, "It's like bringing someone to a poker game that's never played poker, just so you can steal their money," Abi called Denise to "Shut up, you don't have to say any more," before breaking down in tears.

And as the votes were being read, Abi seemed to know what was coming, saying, "That was brutal by them" Accordingly she wisely played her Immunity Idol, while Malcolm wisely did not.

That sent Peter home when Abi's votes did not end up counting against her, effectively meaning that karma had turned against him, as the Immunity Idol that he helped Abi steal from RC was ultimately played in a move that directly sent his ass back home to the Jersey Shore.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Blogging Survivor - Philippines: "This means so much more to me than pouring drinks for girls in bars"



This week's episode began with Lisa declaring that she went against her plan to vote with Malcolm and Denise in order to save Skupin, when in fact her vote ended up saving Peter.

Not one to be happy that she was sticking around even though the ass end of her alliance nearly defected, Abi demanded to know who voted against her at Tribal. She began by snapping, "Thanks for your vote Mike, it was lovely."

When Penner acknowledged that it was him and not Mike, he explained to Abi how he didn't like her referring to him at Tribal Council as "Plan B" to get voted off, and went on to say,  "I don't like being played like that, it pissed me off."

Abi-Maria Gomes making the "bitter bitch face."

Of course, Penner did fuck up by letting his emotions get in the way and voting for Abi instead of going along with the rest of the Kalabaw Tribe and voting for Peter, as the semi-retarded Carter had to explain to him.

And even though Penner's vote did leave Peter in the game, it also sent Jeff Kent home, so I guess I can't complain.

Sporting a porn stache throughout the 1990's and the 2000's, I used to think that Jeff Kent was behind the times. In actuality, he was just a decade ahead of the "grow a mustache to support testicular cancer research month."

With Lisa conflicted about having gone back on her word, Malcolm assured her that he didn't take it personal since it was "just a game."

Meanwhile, Penner mind-fucked Lisa by psycho analyzing her life, specifically by mentioning while she had to be her family's bread-winner even as a child while still trying to please everyone.

That is, Lisa tried to please everyone except for Molly Ringwald...Because she was a total bitch on The Facts of Life.

And while you could sense that she was starting to view Penner as a potential "soul mate," it was obvious that he was just simply just playing to her emotions as a fellow unemployed actor.

In one of Survivor's better Reward Challenges, the competitors divided up into two teams for the right to bring toys to a local Filipino village, in return for a traditional feast.

In what is becoming a ritual that shows Brazil's lack of competitiveness in events other than soccer or bikini waxing, Abi sat out the Challenge, which involved navigating an obstacle course filled with a mixture of water, mud and rice, and then shooting balls that they had retrieved into a "net-ball" style goal.

Denise, Malcolm, Carter and Penner's team ended up winning, handing them the opportunity to actually do something special for the local Filipino village.

When Penner approached the local children by introducing himself, and telling that back in America his name was "normal," the children responded to him by repeating, "Normal," as if that was his name, which was kind of cute.

Malcolm, who turned his Ivy League education at Dartmoth into a bar tending gig in a California beach town, seemed to finally put things in perspective. "This means so much more to me than pouring drinks for girls in bars."

Then again, he had already dry-humped Angie Layton on national TV, so he already crossed hooking up with a Mormon off of his bucket list.

Back at camp, Abi made her case for Lisa to vote out Penner...By accusing her of being a "double agent," and calling her "gullible" and "naive" to her face.

Abi proclaimed that she found a giant clam...Which is exactly what Peter said when he formed an "alliance" with her.

Much like Peter last week, Artis was also getting frustrated with Abi's less than tactful approach to playing the game.

"Abi is just a loose cannon. She just thinks that she knows so much about the game, and so much about people in general. I don't know who told her that, but she needs to shut up before she screws everything all up."

The Immunity Challenge involved holding out a paddle and attempting to get six different balls to land in drilled out slots, all at one time.

Skupin ended up winning Immunity, mainly because that was a cool game to play around Easter back in the 70's, which may have ended up saving his ass with all of the new contestants wanting to target the returning players.

Before Tribal Council, Penner wanted Lisa to reconsider her game play by asking, "What story do you want to tell?"

While that obviously struck a chord with her, she responded by saying, "Man, my head is spinning, but I still want to be loyal," referring to her original alliance with Pete, Abi, and Artis.


Retro Commercial Break: Wendy's "Where's the Beef?"

At Tribal Council, Jeff asked Lisa to describe how she had been received since the merge.

She responded by saying, "I actually experienced more grace from the tribe I was against, than the people I was trying to protect the numbers for...And then the proverbial poop hit the fan, and the fan was pointed toward me."

Abi responded by saying, "I felt I had shown grace to her, but apparently not," apparently forgetting how she had treated her throughout the game.

Before the vote, Abi proclaimed, "I am not very sure about Lisa at this point," not realizing that she was not the weak link in their alliance.

As it turned out, Artis was voted out 5-4 over Penner, but it was Skupin, not Lisa, who saved Penner and voted to send his former alliance member home.

Funny enough, Abi once again looked at Lisa accusingly, even though she had really foolishly remained loyal to Abi and Peter.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I put my faith in a little Texas girl, and she threw me under the bus today"



I have to admit, I'm less and less impressed with Survivor's decision to keep casting nothing but aspiring models, beauty queens, former contestants, b-list celebrities and Hantz's.

I was much more entertained when the show focused on real people, especially when they were a little bit on the slower side...Like Sue Hawk, or Leif.

And with that cute little Mormon scrapper Angie Layton having been eliminated a few weeks back, it's been tough to find a real rooting interest in this season's remaining cast...And yes, I'm being sarcastic.

We have two returning contestants in Michael Skupin and Jonathan Penner; two former celebrities in Lisa Whelchel and Jeff Kent; a self-absorbed aspiring model in Peter Yurkowski, and whatever the fuck Abi-Maria Gomes is.

Apparently Abi-Maria Gomes is using her Survivor exposure to start her own cocktail company. I haven't tried it yet, but word on the street is it tastes a lot like "stupid bitch."

Having failed to backdoor Penner last week because he played his hidden Immunity Idol, Jeff had to deal with Jonathan when he returned to camp knowing that he had been targeted by what he thought was his strongest ally.

It was only then that Jeff Kent realized that his irrational redneck obsession with getting a Hollywood liberal like Jonathan Penner voted off might have cost him in terms of his overall game.

"I gave up a lot of power and authority when I voted with Tandang tonight (to try and vote Penner out)."

Unfortunately, while Jeff Kent may have given up his power and fucked up his chances of winning Survivor by voting with Tandang, he still didn't shave his mustache...Although it did start to blend in with his beard, which was an improvement.

Despite their similarity in age, Jeff failed to realize that Lisa was a formerly "Blair" from The Facts of Life in a former life.

So while we can't say that he was star struck, Lisa definitely struck a warm spot with the normally abrasive racist/homophobe known as Jeff Kent, who obviously confused her with Dana Plato. "She's so naive, so soft, and so nice."

At the Reward Challenge, the new Dangrayne Tribe was divided into two teams to compete for a BBQ dinner/boat cruise by diving to release traps in order to get pieces to solve a team puzzle.

Keep in mind that it wasn't even the good kind of BBQ they were playing for, it was the "northern" type of BBQ, a/k/a grilling.

Jeff, Malcolm, Lisa, Penner and Denise ended up winning the challenge, which I guess sounds decent enough if you've been eating rice and pooping in the brush for two weeks, even if it was just well-done steak with BBQ sauce...So long as you get to use a functional toilet.

At camp, Abi decided to tell Jeff and Carter that she considered them part of her Tandang alliance, while stating that Penner should be their target...Right in front of Penner's face.

Abi-Maria Gomes: Just because you put a buff on your ass, it doesn't mean that your ass is buff.

Abi then went on to tell Peter that she wanted Jeff voted off because she thought he and Jeff were forming a secret alliance...Just as she mistakenly accused her former alliance member RC of doing with Michael...Even though she wasn't.

That caused Pete to finally snap, "Why do you always do that? That pisses me off, stop it!" And while Pete obviously was annoyed with Abi, he wasn't quite ready to cut ties with her due to strategic reasons.

"Abi's got a big mouth, and when Abi leaks information, that's very dangerous, so it's like a puppy you have to take care of...I wish we could vote her out, but I know if she's in the final three, she's not getting any votes."

The Immunity Challenge consisted of un-tying a series of knots of rope to release puzzle pieces while navigating an obstacle course.

And just as he proclaimed he would do after he realized he had been betrayed by his alliance, Penner went on to win Immunity. That caused Jeff to mutter, "What a joke."

Penner went on to proclaim, "That was maybe the best thing I ever did in my life," which was surprising considering that he's appeared on like all of the CSI's.


Unfortunately, Michael Skupin fell into the fire...Again.

Drunk with a lack of power, Lisa decided her position in an alliance where people didn't hate her (the former Kalabaw tribe), was not as beneficial as being the lowest member in an alliance that had constantly demeaned her (the former Tandang tribe).

So like a good battered housewife, Lisa decided to tell Peter that Malcolm had one of the hidden Immunity Idols, breaking her vow to Malcolm to keep it a secret after she had accidentally discovered it in his bag.

Sure enough, Pete immediately confronted Malcolm with the confidential information that Lisa had given him, proving that he had no real loyalty to her even though she had just put her neck on the line to prove herself to his "evil alliance" along with fellow assholes, Abi-Maria and Artis.

However, proving once and for all that engineers have no social skills whatsoever, Peter actually chose not to believe Lisa after Malcolm lied and told him that he didn't have an Idol.

"Malcolm freaked out, and I mean, that right there was enough of a reaction to look inside his soul and know that he really doesn't have the Immunity Idol...So I don't know what Lisa's trying to pull here."

Just to confuse everyone, or at least me, Peter told Lisa and Malcolm that Jeff was their target to vote off.

Realizing that he had been betrayed, Malcolm immediately relayed that information back to Jeff, later stating at Tribal Council, "I put my faith in a little Texas girl, and she threw me under the bus today."

For some reason, I don't think that Lisa Whelchel's post acting career is going as poorly as she says it is.

Lisa didn't deny playing both sides, but proclaimed that her true allegiance was to her former Tandang Tribe. She went on to disclose the tribe's entire strategy, saying that it was going to be an easy vote until Penner won Immunity.

Realizing that he might be in trouble, Malcolm did the rational thing and let everyone (including Peter) know that he did in fact have an Immunity Idol, and that he intended to play it.

"Just to clear the air, there's way too much chaos tonight. This thing getting played, I'm not going home."

And that's when things got interesting.

Jeff Probst asked if anyone else wanted to disclose that they had an Idol. Apparently forgetting that you DON'T have to tell the truth on Survivor, Abi-Maria blurted out,  "I have it. Yes, I have it...I was selflessly keeping this to protect the people in my alliance."

That caused Jonathan, who was previously on the hot seat to proclaim, "This is awesome! Fan-tastic man!"

Sensing an opportunity to take himself off the block, Penner interjected.

"I'd like to ask something. It looks like we have six right her who could move forward in this game. That means keeping Skupin and I in that six at least for a while. You guys ready to do that?"

Jeff Probst went on to say, "I can't think of a more complicated, more entertaining Tribal Council ever." And when he said "complicated" and "entertaining," he meant to say "stupid" and "funny."


Retro Commercial Break: Burger Chef's Star Wars promotion

After all that drama, neither Malcolm nor Abi played their Idols, perhaps hoping that their show of power would prevent the others from voting for them out of a fear for the uncertainty.

That left Jeff Kent and his mustache as the odd man out."

As Jeff Probst said, "That may go down as one of the biggest blown opportunities in the history of the game," referring to the forgone opportunity to vote either Abi or Malcolm out as they were holding on to an Immunity Idol.

And just when I was thinking that Jeff Kent had failed to live up to being the douche bag he was built up to be during his days as a major league baseball player, he opened his uneducated mouth.

"You know what pisses me off? I think I made about $60 million playing baseball and I want this fricking million dollars in this game, and it's not even a million bucks, it's $600 grand by the time Obama takes it...This just sucks!"

Of course, Obama or not, game-show taxes have always exceeded 50%, so the winner's tax rate would have nothing to do with Obama, Proposition 8, or any other liberal proposal that the illiterate redneck wants to blame for cutting into tbe $60 million good-fortune that Jeff received during the steroid era of baseball.

Not only are steroids known to improve your on the field performance, but a known side effect is hair growth in unusual places...Which may explain Jeff Kent's mustache in the 1990's and 2000's.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "Apparently the estrogen kicked in and we had to have our freakin' clothes cleaned"



Just as I suspected, Jonathan Penner began this week's episode pissed off about the lone vote that he received at the previous Tribal Council from Katie.

That was partly because he was paranoid about being targeted by someone, and partly because he didn't like the fact that he wasn't kept in the loop by his alliance that Katie was considering voting for him in the first place.

When Jonathan confronted him about it, Jeff Kent said, "She was kind of pissed off at you for some reason."

Of course, Jeff left out the part where he was partly responsible for leading Katie on about voting for Penner in the first place.

In fact, Jeff is becoming so obsessed with lasting longer in the game than Jonathan that he's ignoring the big picture, which is winning...Kind of like he did with his much noted rivalry with Barry Bonds or any other black person that he played professional baseball with.

As a returning player, Michael Skupin proclaimed that everyone was on equal footing, as he had previously fallen into the fire on Day 17, thereby giving him no more experience going forward than anyone else in the game.

That caused Peter to proclaim, "Dude, you barely made it this far. Look at you!"

Former Survivor contestant Michael Skupin celebrated his anniversary of falling into his camp's fire on day 17 by once again looking like a burn victim.

When the contestants were informed that Tandang and Kalabaw were finally merging and that they'd be leaving for a new camp in five minutes, former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel worried about her shoes and socks.

"You're making sure you don't have any socks hanging on a line somewhere and shoes hidden under a rock somewhere."

Meanwhile, Malcolm scrambled to find the hidden Immunity Idol he had buried before Tandang's raft set sail to their new tribe's camp.

Pete worried about the merge, realizing that there was a strong likelihood that Skupin and RC would change allegiances given that he, Artis and Abi-Maria had treated them like poop for much of the game.

In regards to continuing the original Tandang alliance, Peter conceded that it was likely over. "RC is someone who would never allow that to happen, and Skupin doesn't have a brain of his own. He does whatever RC tells him to do."

I'll take RC Saint-Amour's "brains" over Peter's any day. 

However, Abi-Maria still had the audacity to ask RC to serve as a spy and pick the former Kalabaw Tribe members' minds for information.

That caused RC to explain to her why that wasn't going to happen. "We aren't one big happy family. We can pretend to be all we want, but we haven't been for 17 days."

Upon arriving at the merge, former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel decided to assume a motherly role and go through everyone's bags in order to "dry out everyone's clothes."

Of course, in the process of doing so, she found Malcolm's bag of weed...I mean Immunity Idol.



Not realizing that Lisa was a former child star, Malcolm bemoaned, "Apparently the estrogen kicked in and we had to have our freakin' clothes cleaned!"

"Hallelujah, the church lady found it, who hopefully has a heart." That forced Malcolm to make a final three deal with Lisa, along with his original alliance partner, Denise...Making him a gigolo of sorts for the old ladies of Survivor.

Much like Lisa promised not to out Malcolm for his Immunity Idol, Penner promised not to out her for being a former child TV star, and Lisa definitely seemed to have an interest in Jonathan beyond just forming an alliance.

"If we weren't on this island, we'd have a great time over lunch just talking about each other's lives." And if Penner wasn't gay, that's exactly how that might happen.



Retro Commercial Break of the Week: "We've Got the Colgate Pump"

In his quest to last longer in the game than Penner, Jeff Kent went on to betray their alliance by disclosing that Jonathan had found a hidden Immunity Idol to their rival Tandang Tribe members.

After hearing that information, they then concocted a plan to spit their votes 4-4 between RC and Penner, which would protect them in the event that Jonathan played his Immunity Idol.

At the first Individual Immunity Challenge, the contestants had to hold buckets of water on a pulley system that contained 25% of their body weight at arm's length the longest.

Apparently pleased with his own prowess, at one point Artis adjusted his grip and then kissed each of his biceps...And then proceeded to drop his bucket shortly thereafter while the ultra skinny Carter continued to hold his bucket without any problems, or the need to kiss any of his own body parts.


Artis is an Ed Hardy t-shirt away from being a douchey white guy.

Denise ended up taking first place for the women, while Carter outlasted Jeff for the men.

While Jeff made a point of telling Carter that he owed him a favor for "dropping out," it was clear that he wasn't going to be able to outlast Carter, who's either autistic, from the south, or both.


Carter's efforts to count the number of people needed to vote somebody out makes the slow soldier on trial in A Few Good Men look like he's in the gifted program.

Even though she didn't win immunity, RC still felt confident in her position in the game, "It's been a good day...With our six, we're in the majority."

Of course, along with being the hot girl with big boobs, feeling confident is always the kiss of death when it comes to playing Survivor.

Jonathan felt less confident. "If the people I believe that are going to vote with me are really not...If all of this is just smoke, then I'm a terrible judge of character and then I really don't deserve to stay in this game."

At Tribal Council, Abi-Maria and RC finally had it out, with Abi once again wrongfully accusing RC of digging up the clue to the hidden Immunity Idol that RC had initially found and shared with her.

Of course it was Peter who had dug up that clue and planted it in RC's bag to frame her, but Abi was too busy talking nonsense to listen. "I trust my actions, not yours."

Blessed with a fat ass, a face like a man, and an irrational temper, by that point Abi was only a soccer ball, a Brazilian bikini wax and a metrosexual quarterback boyfriend away from reinforcing every Brazilian stereotype known to man.

After the vote, Penner's paranoia finally paid off, as he elected to play his Immunity Idol.

While Peter received RC and Michael's votes, the rest of Kalabaw went along with the plan to try and blindside Penner, which caused RC to get voted out as their fallback plan since their votes for Jonathan did not count.

And just like that, the last good looking girl was voted out of Survivor.

Meanwhile, Jeff's plan to backdoor Penner failed, meaning things will get real interesting around camp next week now that Jonathan knows that he was betrayed.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Lance Armstrong: Living strong, or living a lie?

Surprisingly, dating a 21 year old Olsen twin when he was 36 wasn't even Lance Armstrong's most questionable relationship

According to USA Today Game On! bloggers Reid Cherner and Tom Weir, American cyclists Lance Armstrong and Floyd Landis co-ranked as the #30 Sports Personalities of 2010:
"We long for the days when our cycling news was dominated by great performances. But it was hard to ignore the back and forth between our greatest cyclist ever and one of our most disgraced."

While Landis won a tainted Tour de France in 2006, it's a bit of a stretch to call him "our greatest cyclist ever." On the other hand, Armstrong should certainly be one of our nation's most disgraced athletes. Instead, he is glorified and widely revered for those hypocritical yellow rubber "LIVESTRONG" bracelets given the plethora of independent sources who have implicated him as one of the most biggest cheaters in the history of sports.

You would think that any self proclaimed "clean" champion in a sport as dirty as professional cycling would steer clear of an questionable associations. Yet dating back to 1996 Armstrong has "consulted" with Italian doctor Michele Ferrari, who just so happens to be notorious for having trained numerous cyclists who have tested positive for doping and performance enhancing drugs. Dr. Ferrari was even convicted in 2004 by an Italian court for malpractice and sporting fraud for showing cyclists how to use performance-enhancing drugs.

While Dr. Ferrari's convictions were ultimately overturned by an Appeals Court, the sports-fraud verdict was only thrown out because of a legal technicality based upon a determination that the applicable statute of limitations had expired. Armstrong himself has said of his relationship with Dr. Ferrari:
"Is it questionable? Perhaps. Has Lance Armstrong ever tested positive? No. Has Lance Armstrong been tested? A lot."

No, Armstrong has never publicly tested positive for doping or performance enhancing drugs, but isn't that Dr. Ferrari's specialty, being one step of the testing curve so the athletes that he trains don't get caught? I'm sorry, but whenever an athlete accused of using performance enhancing drugs refers to him/herself in the third person and employs the, "I've never tested positive" defense, it only makes me even more skeptical. Let's count his relationship with Dr. Ferrari as "strike one" against Armstrong.

In addition to Armstrong's questionable relationship with Dr. Ferrari, Floyd Landis, Armstrong's former teammate who was stripped of his 2006 Tour de France win after a positive doping test, accused Armstrong and other members of the U.S. Postal Service Team of doping and using performance enhancing drugs.

While Armstrong simply brushed aside Landis' allegations by saying, "Floyd lost his credibility a long time ago," Chad Gerlach, who rode with the U.S. Postal team while Armstrong and Landis were on it said he's inclined to believe Landis's account of widespread doping based on what he saw during his own career:
"I believe it because I have seen it personally. I am not ready to out my friends or provide names. I just saw it. It's just a systematic thing."

While Gerlach was not willing to name names, Armstrong has also been accused of doping by American cycling legend Greg LeMond, a three time former winner of the Tour de France who is an outspoken anti-doping advocate. LeMond has publicly expressed his disdain for Armstrong's failure to admit that he engaged in doping. LeMond voiced has skepticism as to whether or not Armstrong was a clean rider when he was quoted as saying:
"When Lance won the prologue to the 1999 Tour I was close to tears, but when I heard he was working with Michele Ferrari I was devastated. In the light of Lance's relationship with Ferrari, I just don't want to comment on this year's Tour. This is not sour grapes. I'm disappointed in Lance, that's all it is."

Let's consider a credible attack from a legend and mentor like LeMond as "strike two" against Armstrong.

If that isn't enough, Armstrong's former teammate, Frankie Andreu, testified that he overheard Armstrong tell his oncologist that he had used “steroids, testosterone, cortisone, growth hormone and EPO" while visiting him in the hospital as he treated for testicular cancer.

And before we rush to judgement and say that these other riders were out for vengeance or to bring Armstrong down, I've never really heard any other cyclists criticize his personality (actually, Landis was the one they all seemed to hate). Rather, they seemed to simply be standing up for their sport and/or coming clean. Let's call Andreu's testimony in a court of law where he was not personally the one on trial as "strike three" against Armstrong.

As mentioned above, it is well known that Lance Armstrong was diagnosed as having and treated for testicular cancer, which was the inspiration behind his very public and popular LIVESTRONG campaign. I'm not saying that doping or the use of performance enhancing drugs caused Armstrong's cancer, but I will say that IF he did use PED's as the circumstantial evidence suggests (which are known to cause other types, but have never been linked to testicular cancer), his "LIVESTRONG" anti-cancer campaign is hypocritical.

This post is not meant to diminsih Armstrong's charitable work for cancer, just his motives behind it. I've donated money to cancer research, but I'll never feed Armstrong's ego by buying one of his stupid yellow rubber bracelets, at least not until he comes clean about how he came about his success in order to become a public figure and promises that 100% of his LIVESTRONG foundation proceeds go to cancer research with all the administrative costs of running his charity coming from his own pocket.

Cheater Lance Armstrong: Living strong, or living a lie?.

Until then, I'll just look at him as any other semi-talented joe who only  made a name for himself because he was willing to illegally enhance his body, which puts him even lower than someone like Snooki, who at least whored her way to fame au naturel.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "He has his hands between Skupin's legs, a very intimate way to play this game, but totally legal"



Tensions continued to mount this week at Kalabaw, where Michael Skupin had depleted their rice supply while eating it dry, leaving them dangerously close to running out of food.

That caused Peter to snap, "He thinks it cooks in your body because it's pretty much 100 degrees. So Mike makes horrible decisions. He's the most useless player who's ever been returned to Survivor, and he needs to go."

That brought the two tribes to the Reward Challenge, where they competed for soup and sandwiches by attempting to push a large wicker ball through a field of mud and into their opponents goal.

However, that challenge quickly turned into a mud wrestling contest, and not in the good kind of way, as there was a whole lot of head buttin' (literally) and guy on guy grabbing below the waist.

With Jonathan Penner closely checking Michael Skupin out to see if he had any "fromunda cheese," Skupin yelled out PENNER!" While Jonathan did say, "Sorry buddy," I'm thinking that he wasn't really all that apologetic about it. 

While Penner's action seemed like a low blow, or least a low grab, Jeff Probst reluctantly confirmed that he was playing within the rules.

"Penner's doing nothing illegal. He has his hands between Skupin's legs. A very intimate way to play this game, but totally legal."

With the first grouping deadlocked and unable to score after playing for over an hour, and with either tribe needing three goals to earn the victory, Jonathan asked Kalabaw if they were willing to make a deal.

When Penner informed Michael that he was not willing to let go of his nuts for free, Michael proposed giving Tandang the soup and sandwich reward for getting his balls back and the remainder of their rice.

With Jonathan assuring the rest of his tribe that he was able to catch enough fish to feed them with the fishing supplies they had previously won, Tandang apprehensively gave him the go ahead to make that deal.

Since it was Michael who ate all of Kalabaw's rice to begin with, that deal wasn't received that well by the rest of the tribe. However, because nobody spoke up to voice an objection, they allowed Michael and RC to push that deal through.

That gave Tandange the feast of soup and sandwiches, along with a warm shower and a surprise reward in the form of letters from home, which I'm guessing doubled as toilet paper after the contestants gorged themselves on real food for the first time in weeks.

Tribe moral was at an all time low back at Kalabaw, where Artis and Abi began serving as Monday morning quarterbacks while trying to analyze their trade to get more rice.

When RC tried to console Artis by saying, "Sorry Artis, we wanted to give you a birthday feast," he just waved his finger at her and said, "Go away."

Apparently Artis was pissed about getting enough food to eat until the merge.

Never one to miss an opportunity to throw a bitch fit, Abi retroactively raised her objection. "It was one of the dumbest moves of Survivor. People usually go into that (the challenge) and at least lose, but just giving up the prize like that, I've never seen that before in my life."

Of course, Abi -Maria Gomes apparently forgot that she deferred her vote on whether or not to trade the challenge reward for Kalabaw's rice, but apparently that's not enough to stop "The Bitch From Ipanema" from opening her pie hole.

Realizing that their tribe members were using the campaigning against them, RC called Artis, Peter and Abi "cruel," saying Abi's obviously doing her Abi thing...She's like this little Brazilian bomb who's about to blow up at any second." Likewise, Michael correctly identified Artis as "A 13-year-old girl."

While Roberta Saint-Amour noted how Abi and her alliance have the upper hand, RC's definitely one up on Abi when it comes to another body part her booty.

Abi went on to complain about how her tribe got duped. "I doubt Kalabaw would just give us all of their rice without a plan B. They're not stupid...Kalabaw totally used psychology, and it worked. Fucking stupid."

Of course, the Kalabaw tribe quickly came to the realization that Jonathan was not capable of catching them fish as he had promised when he came back with only two tiny fish after a full day of fishing in ideal weather and conditions.

The Immunity Challenge involved each team launching balls in the air with a slingshot and having their teammates try to catch them in a net that served very much like a baseball glove.

When Katie forgot to keep her hand touching the starting area before the balls were launched, Jeff Probst became what I'm sure will be the first of many men to remind her to keep her "hands on the pole."
In what has become a weekly ritual, Jeff Probst called Abi out for sitting out of yet another challenge. "Abi, you're sitting out again? That is what, two out of eight challenges you've participated in?

Of course Abi responded by saying, "Well, it wasn't my choice," even though she's never had a problem voicing her opinion and getting her way when....Well, ever.

While Jeff Kent seemingly had an advantage as an ex-Major League Baseball player, it was Malcolm who carried the challenge.

Still bitter about their loss, Jeff decided to blame Carter for their loss.

"Carter was definitely out-muscled and out-maneuvered by Malcolm, forgetting that it was Malcolm who beat Jeff out for the fifth and final catch that Kalabaw needed to win Immunity by knocking him to the ground.

Of course, this is the same Jeff Kent that was so concerned about winning during his baseball career that he was once quoted as saying, "Winning is the only thing that makes me happy. Ask my wife. I don't get happy about anniversaries or birthdays. I don't care about that. Just winning."

Nonetheless, Jeff stayed loyal to his alliance with Carter, but they did discuss the possibility of voting Jonathan out.

While not normally the sharpest tool in the shed, Carter did have a point when he said that Penner would have the biggest target on him if they brought him to the merge as a returning player. 

Jeff told Carter not to give Penner any clues that they were considering voting him out so he wouldn't feel threatened and use his Immunity Idol.

However, Carter promptly walked over and inadvertently asked him about the secret scenario that he and Jeff were considering. "What do you want to do, Katie or Penner?"

At Tribal Council Jonathan remained confident that he would not get voted out, and ended up electing not to play his Idol.

Jeff Probst asked Jeff Kent if he played any other games similar to Survivor in terms of strategy, which Jeff quickly denied by saying, "No, this game sucks," so as not to clue anybody off that he was a former pro baseball player.

And after several minutes of the contestants speaking in circles about who it was that was going to get blind-sided, it was Katie, not Jonathan who was voted out 4-1, although I'm sure Penner is going to be pissed and wonder why Katie voted for him instead of Denise as he thought she was going to do.

In the end, Katie acknowledged that she was totally overwhelmed by the physical nature of the game of Survivor saying,  "I came in thinking I'm an athlete, I'm so strong."

The last time I checked, you don't earn varsity letters for competing in beauty pageants.