Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "I kind of want to crap my pants"

This week's episode of The Bachelor began with with the announcement that the girls would be packing up and traveling to South Korea, where Juan Pablo would forced to explain reality TV to government officials or risk the execution of his family.

Oh wait, that's North Korea.

Things kicked off with a Group Date focused around 2NE1 (pronounced "twenty-one"), a K-Pop (Korean pop) group that can probably be best described as The Spice Girls meets Hello Kitty meets the Pussy Cat Dolls, all in a mall inspired concert inspired by Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

So in other words, the K-Pop as a genre pretty much just represents every awkward teenage boy's wet dream all rolled up into one this side of Alyssa Milano.

Nikki was upset to learn that she would be going on the first Group Date of the week instead of the 1-on-1 Date that she was seeking.

However, she said, "I'm not going to like pout and throw a giant fit like I kind of want to do," which ironically, is exactly what she went on to do.

She went on to say, "It's weird for me, you know I don't have sisters at home, and I don't have to share a lot of things at home."

The only thing Nikki Ferrell forgot to mention was the part where she's an aspiring model...and that she doesn't have any friends back at home either.

And when she found out that she'd be dancing onstage with a girl-group Nikki could only say, "This is my worst nightmare...I kind of want to crap my pants."

Unlike Nikki, Kat, the former Phoenix Sun dancer, was absolutely ecstatic for the opportunity to crap her pants in front of thousands of screaming teens if it gave her a chance to show off the fact that she used to fuck mediocre NBA players.

Wait, what's that? Cassandra Ferguson is the ex-cheerleader who used to fuck NBA players? And who is Kat Hurd, and why is she wearing two bras?

Meanwhile, after dancing to a Korean girl pop group, Nikki referred to herself a "hip-hop star," as Vanilla Ice turned over in his grave somewhere in south Florida.

Juan Pablo then took the girls to the Korea Furniture Museum, not understanding that all women love IKEA, not IKOREA.

On the Group Date, bitches be hatin' on Nikki for trying to manipulate Juan Pablo's time, but it paid off when she got some precious alone time with him.

And when Juan Pablo asked Nikki, "How do you feel about Camilla," she said, "I'd love to meet her...I'm a great diaper changer," apparently not realizing that Camilla is four, not two.

The 1-on-1 Date went to Sharleen, who Juan Pablo referred to as, "My favorite one right now."

However, the jury was still out about whether Sharleen even liked Juan Pablo, was just trying to advance her career as an opera singer, just wanted to screw him, or all the above.

However, as the date went on Sharleen seemed impressed that Juan Pablo was "not bland," noting how he was "cheeky" and a bit of a "smart ass."

And while being called "not bland" isn't exactly a vote of confidence, when a girl tells you that you're a "smart ass" you're probably doing something right.

When Sharleen went on to say, "He is curious about the world, about other lifestyles,"she obviously meant to add, "with the exception of homosexuals."

Things got interesting when Juan Pablo asked Sharleen to show him a little something-something at the end of their date.

And while she acted as if she was reluctant, you could tell she wanted to. "Mister, this is our first real date, it takes a while for me to feel comfortable with someone to just sort of...Close your eyes."

Then, after 30 seconds and several high pitched shrills, Sharleen was done singing opera for Juan Pablo.

Sharleen Joynt then went in aggressive for some aggressively sloppy kissing with Juan Pablo.

Sharleen then went on tell Juan Pablo that she hated living in Germany initially because nobody there could speak English, and that she once had a relationship with a guy that didn't go very well because she couldn't handle the fact that he had a four year old daughter with another woman.

And after confirming that Sharleen probably wasn't the right girl for him or his own four-year-old daughter, Juan Pablo gave her a rose because he appreciated her honesty...And her pipes.

The second Group Date involved a simple stroll around the city of Seoul to explore its local culture. 

Juan Pablo's "smart ass" side came back out when Clare randomly complained about the possibility of having to eat octopus.

"Clare is great, she says, please tell me we're not going to eat octopus....Uhhh...You just made the worst mistake of your life," as Juan Pablo forced the girls to all try

However, Kelly T. was less than impressed with Clare's antics as she protested eating her octopus testicle to get attention.  "Her piece was literally this big, and I know you've swallowed bigger things than that."

Kelly Travis and friend Lindsay Larson...I've always wanted a Bud Light penis.

The pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party probably would have been more dramatic, only Juan Pablo started getting stingy about who he would kiss, making it pretty obvious which girls he thought had STD's...And still didn't care.

Sure enough, Lauren S. got denied when she tried to kiss Juan Pablo, who told her "Sorry" when she asked him for "un beso" (a kiss), under the guise that he didn't want his daughter Camilla see him kiss girls that he didn't think were pretty. 

On the other hand, when Clare was asked, "Are you going to try and kiss him," she replied, "Oh, I'm not going to try and kiss him."

But first, she had to set the mood just right, telling Juan Pablo, "Oh my God, I ate octopus! Do you know what happened? I threw up in my mouth."

Of course, Juan Pablo was still on his no kiss policy, but Clare wisely countered that by reminding him that she had instituted a "no kiss" policy of her own just one week earlier.

And through the power of double negatives, Juan Pablo realized that he was obligated to kiss Clare, even though he didn't want to.

At the Rose Ceremony, Juan Pablo elected not to give a rose to Lauren or Elise.

That allowed Elise Mosca to go back to being "The Jersey Whore" as "The Situation's" long standing booty call. Wait, has Snooki already trademarked that phrase?

And as she left, Elise tried to justify her departure saying, "Do you know what? My mom didn't want me to be around such negative and ugly people."

Of course, Elise Mosca's mom was just a whore too.

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