Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The Bachelor Blog: "So I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants."



This week Juan Pablo and the girls traveled to Vietnam, where Kat showed us all her worldly side by saying, "It's kind of like Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?  He travels and we follow."

Renee was thrilled to get the 1-on1-Date that she had been coveting. "It's a really weird sensation that I haven't felt in a long time that kind of makes my palms hurt."

And while we all worry about Renee, the likable single mother in the house, once she builds up some calluses I'm sure she'll be just fine.

Renee got mixed signals on her date, earning a Rose, but not getting the first kiss with Juan Pablo that she'd been seeking.

That caused Renee to irrationally attempt to rationalize the situation. "If Juan Pablo doesn't kiss me tonight that's okay, it's okay," before she finally acknowledged, "It's not really okay."

Something tells me that Juan Pablo had Renee at "sweat drenched American Apparel t-shirt."

For the Group Date, Juan Pablo and the girls took Vietnamese teacup boat rides down a river.

Of course Clare, had nobody to partner up with, so she had to ride with Juan Pablo...Because nobody could see that coming.

Kelly reflected upon Clare taking every opportunity she could to get 1-on-1 time with Juan Pablo. "Can we hate her for that?"

She answered her own question when she matter of factly said, "I mean, we can."

And when Clare got the first alone time with Juan Pablo at the post Group Date cocktail party, Kelly sarcastically said, "Should we just take the Rose down there and give it to her?"

Sure enough, Juan Pablo took Clare to his suite and what seemed to be his private pool. That caused Clare to gush, "We keep ending up in the water in our bathing suits. I'm not mad at that."

However, Juan Pablo also took Sharleen to the beach, where they made out, and ditto for Andi.

And as he got ready to give out the Rose for the Group Date Juan Pablo said, "My conversations with all of you were really good." That is, except the remaining black girl, who he was yet to talk to.

Danielle Ronco: What do comic books have in common with D.C. Comics? D.C. Comics doesn't have any black girls either.

To nobody's surprise, Clare got the Group Date Rose. To nobody else's surprise, Andi got pissed when she got it.

While most girls would have been content just to get the rose, Clare went back to Juan Pablo's suite in the middle of the night to get him to swim in the ocean, because she's "never done that before."

However, when Clare said she'd "never done that before," she wasn't referring to making a 2 a.m. booty call, but rather the part about swimming in an ocean.

And while Juan Pablo went along with the idea, he almost immediately seemed to regret it saying, "We got a little wild too."

And by "wild," I think Juan Pablo meant to say that he might have let Clare Crawley squeeze his "Aye-yi-yi."

At first Nikki seemed happy to get the final 1-on-1 Date instead of going on the dreaded Group Date, before letting it slip that it was really all about the competition.

"I might not get the rose on a Group Date." She then immediately cut herself short by arrogantly adding, "That would be stupid, because I always do."

When Juan Pablo revealed to Nikki, who's afraid of heights, that they would be repelling down a cave that the locals affectionately refer to as "Hell," she sounded less than pleased.

"All I can do is picture myself plummeting to the bottom."

Of course, everyone watching at home was thinking the exact same thing, but only in a happy, wishful thinking kind of way.

Nikki went on to lay out her options. "So I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants," before she astutely added, "This is a lot like falling in love."

And while I'm no expert, that makes me think that Nikki Ferrell is probably not long term relationship material...That is, unless you're into that kind of thing. 

But apparently pooping herself wasn't even the the fatal flaw that she didn't want Juan Pablo to know about, as she warned him, "Don't ever talk to me in the morning (because) not everybody is sunshine and rainbows all the time."

And while Nikki was apparently talking about the Utopian holy trinity since she mentioned "Sunshine and rainbows," she sadly forgot the third prong, Camaros...She forgot to mention the fucking Camaros.

A lack of bitchin' muscle cars aside, Nikki still got a Rose for their 1-on-1 Date. 

At the Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony Juan Pablo diplomatically said, "It's hard, I'm liking these girls, and I don't know what I'm going to do."

But deep down inside he really knew what he was going to do. And if you're new to The Bachelor, I'll give you a hint...It rhymes with "send the black girl home."

While Juan Pablo had refrained from kissing Renee earlier in the episode out of respect for her being a single mother, he finally just attacked her mid-sentence before saying, "I wanted to kiss you three weeks ago!"

He then smacked his hands together in self approval of his actions, while Renee twirled around like a single mom who hadn't kissed a hot guy in eight years...Or Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire.


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The look on Renee's Oteri's face as she realized Juan Pablo was going in for their first kiss was priceless.

Juan Pablo clearly felt bad for letting Clare give him a hand-job in the ocean, even going so far as to pull her aside and tell her "It was a little weird for me."

And after Juan Pablo took a shit in Clare's Easter basket, he actually had the nerve to ask her, "Why are you looking at me like that?"

All in all, Juan Pablo's strategy was an act of man genius, as only in this setting could a guy hook up with a girl, completely blow her off the next day, and still be looked at by women across the country as a "gentleman" who was just doing "the right thing." 

Clare continued to maintain that their ocean romp was mutual by saying, "If he didn't think it was right, he shouldn't have done it."
Unfortunately for Clare, when a man seduces you and he blows you off, it's shame on him. But when you seduce a man and then he blows you off, it's shame on you.

It's really all just about who took the risk in initiating the underwater hand-job on national TV...Everyone knows that.

When Clare returned to the Cocktail Party crying, she lied and told the other girls, "My allergies are awful," much to everyone's delight.

And while Clare's long term fate had likely been sealed, she still had the Group Date Rose.

So with Clare safe for at least this week, Juan Pablo also sent Alli and Kelly home.

And while it was sad to see Kelly, the pug nosed dog girl go because she had the most snarky one-liners in the house, at least she'll be able to go someplace with lots of land where she'll be able to run free without a leash.

Pug nosed Kelly Travis: And like all other girls who love dogs way too much, maybe she can resolve the issues she has about the relative who sexually assaulted her when she was a kid.

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