Monday, November 28, 2011

2011 B1G - ACC Challenge Breakdown: Because the Big Ten got worse when Nebraska joined

In anticipation of this year's B1G - ACC Challenge, I'm breaking down of each of the Challenge's twelve games. I was going to predict that the B1G takes home their third consecutive victory in the Challenge this year, but unfortunately they added Nebraska.

Here's a list of all the games, my analysis of each, and my predicted winners in parentheses:

Michigan at Virginia: (Michigan) The Cavaliers have not distinguished themselves against an inferior schedule this season. On the other hand, the upstart Wolverines have already played two top 10 teams and defeated a historic power in UCLA.

One of Michigan's "good looking" cheerleaders...relatively speaking, of course.

Northwestern at Georgia Tech: (Northwestern) Northwester should have their best team in years lead by Drew Crawford and John Shurna. Returning seven of their top eight scorers from last season, the Wildcats just have to find a replacement for PG Juice Thompson. It's sad that a once elite program like Georgia Tech's have now fallen off the map of college basketball.

Northwester Cheerleader...I hate smart chicks.

Illinois at Maryland: (Illinois) Both the Terrapins and the Illini are trying to rebuild. Illinois is re-stocking after losing their top three scorers from last season in Demitri McCamey, Mike Davis and Mike Tisdale. Meanwhile, Maryland is trying to replace the legendary Gary Williams. I'll give the advantage to the Illini after a slow start to the Terrapin's season so far.

Personally, I thought Black Swan sucked.

Miami at Purdue: (Purdue) Robbie Hummel and the Boilermakers should blow the Hurricanes away at Mackey Arena.

Whether a Boiler Maker is a drink or a train, this chick is on board.

Clemson at Iowa: (Iowa) I look for Iowa to be the surprise team in the Big Ten this season. With an upstart Hawkeye team, Carver-Hawkeye Arena will be a much more difficult road venue than the Tigers will be anticipating.

Clemson is willing to let grades slide when it comes to admitting football players and cheerleaders.  

Duke at Ohio State: (Ohio State) The marquee game of the Challenge probably features the two true best teams in the country. I look for Jared Sullinger and the Buckeyes to capitalize on their substantial home court advantage at Value City Arena, which is pretty much the epitome of the entire state of Ohio. The Blue Devils won't go down easy though, having played the toughest schedule in America by far at this early stage in the season.

I'm pretty sure this Ohio State Cheerleader should be able to find someone who would be more than willing to pull her hair for her.

Indiana at NC State: (NC State) This is one of the better match-ups that I look forward to watching in the Challenge. The Hoosiers finally look to be turning the corner under Tom Crean, while NC State is lead by the dynamic C.J. Leslie. I'll take the Wolf Pack at home over the more talented, but inexperienced Hoosiers.

NC State Cheerleaders: I almost feel like I should blur something out here.

Penn State at Boston College: (Boston College) Penn State lost All-American G Talor Battle to the NBA and coach Ed DeChellis to Navy. That's right, the Nittany Lions coach parlayed arguably the best player in program history and a rare Penn State NCAA Tournament birth, not into a raise, but into the head coaching gig at Navy. That tells you about all you need to know about the Penn State basketball program.

Boston College Cheerleader: He had to pay extra for this.

Florida State at Michigan State: (Michigan State) A young but talented Spartans team is finally back to playing "Izzo ball" with a talented interior that has them operating from the inside out for the first time in years. The Seminoles were not living up to their pre-season hype until they took number 4 UConn to overtime in a loss last weekend. Both teams excel on defense, so look for this to be a low scoring and ugly game. The Seminoles have a distinct size advantage, while the Spartans are better in transition running the fast break. Give this one to the Spartans and since it will be played at the hostile Breslin Center in East Lansing.

Michigan State Cheerleaders: Ok, just so long as you're SURE nobody else can see what we're doing.

Virginia Tech at Minnesota: (Virginia Tech) Tubby Smith and Golden Gophers were dealt a considerable blow last weekend when pre-season All-America PF Trevor Mbakwe was lost for the season due to an  ACL injury. Instead of picking the Gophers at home, I now have Seth Greenberg's Hokies winning in a tight game.

Minnesota Cheerleaders: I always thought these shots were accidental for cheerleaders...apparently that's not the case in Minneapolis.

Wake Forest at Nebraska: (Wake Forest) The Demon Deacons would be a favorable match-up for just about any other team in the Challenge. Unfortunately for the B1G, they immediately became a worse basketball conference with the addition of the Cornhuskers.

Either this girl is a stripper, or Wake Forest Cheerleaders can ask their fans if they want to buy them a shot between dances dance routines.  

Wisconsin at North Carolina: (North Carolina) The Badgers have a chance in Chapel Hill with pre-season All-American Harrison Barnes potentially out due to a sprained ankle, but I still look for the Tar Heels to win if Roy Williams can inspire them to come out and play with more energy after playing completely uninspired basketball against UNLV last Saturday. If not, the pre-season number 1 team in the country has bigger problems on their hands.

If the Tar Heels can't get it up for this one, then they have bigger problems than Harrison Barnes' sprained ankle.
Final Prediction:
B1G 7, ACC 5

Thursday, November 24, 2011

NFL Picks - Week 12: "Because the Lions - Packers game is bigger than Pam Oliver's ass"

Week 11 NFL Picks: 3-10-1
NFL results season to date: 75-74-8

Week 11 College Football results: 2-2
College Football results season to date: 21-23-2

Week 12 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

Green Bay vs. Detroit (Detroit, home, +7) The Lions probably match up better with the Packers than any other team in the NFC. They have the ability to score with Green Bay in the event of a shoot-out, and their defensive line and ball-hawking secondary may be capable of slowing Aaron Rodgers down. Mix in a deafening Ford Field crowd, and the Lions have a legitimate shot at becoming the first team to defeat the Packers this season. 

Pam Oliver's HUGE ass!

The Lions-Packers game this Thanksgiving is huge...kind of like Fox sideline reporter Pam Oliver's big ass.
Miami vs. Dallas (Dallas, home, -7) Believe it or not, this game features two of the hottest teams in the NFL. Miami has shown some life on offense after Matt Moore took over at quarterback, and their defense is finally starting to lock down after some early season lapses in their secondary. Dallas has quickly become one of the better teams in the NFL after they inserted emerging star Demarco Murray at running back, which has allowed Tony Romo to play more conservatively and allow his receivers make plays instead of forcing throws.
San Francisco vs. Baltimore (Baltimore, home, -3)  Traveling across the country on a short week will make it difficult for the 49ers to defeat the Ravens in the Harbaugh Bowl.

Arizona vs. St. Louis (St. Louis, home, -3) I kept looking at this game trying to think of something interesting to say, but it made me have to go take an Early Doucet.
Buffalo vs. New York Jets (New York Jets, home, -8) The wheels are coming off the wagon for the Bills, who are now without underrated running back Fred Jackson for the rest of the season. The Jets are their own worst enemy, with Marc Sanchez finally making the journey from overrated to a consensus below average quarterback.
Cincinnati vs. Cleveland (Cincinnati, home, -7.5) The Bengals are in a position to make the playoffs but still can't sell out Paul Brown Stadium against their biggest rival. The Browns are even less interested to play in this game.
Jacksonville vs. Houston (Houston, home, -3.5) Ever since Matt Leinart ratted out a friend that he knew was innocent of soliciting a prostitute when he was on an episode of Punk'd, I have a hard time putting any faith or trust in the guy. Unfortunately, that's just what I'm going to do. The Texans defense has quickly become one of the league's best, and should be able to shut down the Jaguars running game and one dimensional offense. For some reason I think that Leinart is capable of running the Texan offense with Matt Schaub out for the season.
Atlanta vs. Minnesota (Atlanta, home, -9.5) The Falcons have been playing better now that they've gone back to being a run first team behind Michael "Burner" Turner. The Vikings will be playing without All-Pro running back Adrian Peterson, which now leaves a rookie quarterback Christian Ponder trying to win a game without a decent running back, any servicable wide receivers, or an offensive line.
Carolina vs. Indianapolis (Carolina, road, -3.5) Cam Newton should put up huge numbers against an undersized and injury depleted Colts defense. While the Panthers defense isn't much better, Indianapolis really doesn't have the talent on offense to capitalize and keep up.  
Tampa Bay vs. Tennessee (Tennessee, home, -3.5) The Buccaneers have burned me me all season long. Matt Hasselbeck looks to be in line to play without any adverse affects after injuring his elbow last week.
Chicago vs. Oakland (Chicago, road, +4.5) In spite of Mike Martz being in charge of their offense, I foresee the Bears going conservative and riding their running game in the absence of Jay Cutler while they rely on their solid defense to keep them in games.
New England vs. Philadelphia (New England, road, -3) I love how a small group of people are still trying to talk themselves into the Eagles making a late run this season after a couple of victories. With Nmandi Asomugha having been carted off the practice field this week with an apparent knee injury, and with Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie also potentially missing this game, Tom Brady and Patriots should feast on the Eagles secondary.
Seattle vs. Washington (Seattle, home, -4) Marshawn Lynch has added some spark the Seahawks running game over the past four weeks in spite of Seattle losing two starters on their offensive line over that same period. After a quick start to their season, the Pigskins have simply become a team that you can't gamble on no matter what the point spread is.
Denver vs. San Diego (Denver, road, +7) Every year a terrible team from the AFC West ends up looking better than they are due to their easy intra division match-ups and some additional help from the NFL scheduling Tebows Gods. Two years ago that team was Denver. Last year it was Kansas City. This year it's Denver again. If we go by track records, the Broncos will cover and/or win behind Tim Tebow, while Phillip Rivers and the Chargers will find a way to turn the ball over multiple times and lose. It should be pretty easy to put together a game plan and put eight men in the box and dare Tim Tebow to beat you by throwing while playing to contain him on the run. Unfortunately, I have no faith in Norv Turner and his staff to do so.
Pittsburgh vs. Kansas City (Pittsburgh, road, -10.5) If Tyler Palko had problems with New England's defense last week, it's only going to get worse when he faces the Steelers this week. I look for the Steelers to blow the Chiefs out by over 30 points on Sunday night.

New York Giants vs. New Orleans (New York Giants, road, +7) Eli Manning and the Giants are quietly putting up huge numbers in the passing game this season. In fact, they are almost a carbon copy of the Saints. I'll take the Saints to win since they are at home, but not to cover.

College Football's Top Games of the Week:

Arkansas vs. LSU (LSU, home, -12) I just don't think the Razorbacks are ready to play with the big boys yet. Look for the best secondary in college football to shut down the Arkansas passing game and take care of business with a BCS Championship Game bid on the line.

Surprisingly, as evident by this Razorback Cheerleader, not everyone from Arkansas has a physical birth defect.
Ohio State vs. Michigan (Ohio State, road, +7.5) Michigan went through a scandal with Rich Rodriguez and wound up with Brady Hoke as their new head coach after several more high profile candidates turned them down. Ohio State went through their own coaching scandal and scored by landing the premier coach in all of college football in Urban Meyer. I guess that answers the question as to which school has the better program. Look for Ohio State's defense to easily contain the overrated Denard Robinson.
Wisconsin vs. Penn State (Wisconsin, home,-15) The Nittney "Loins" are reeling right now, and Wisconsin has a chance to go for the kill at home. Plus Bret Bielema and the Badgers have no shame in running up a score for the purposes of inflating their rankings.

Wisconsin Badger Cheerleader: Who says all girls from Wisconsin are fat? Milk sure did this Badger Cheerleader's body good.
Georgia vs. Georgia Tech (Georgia Tech, home, +6) This is a game that Mark Richt and his underachieving Bulldogs have seemed to struggle with recently. The Yellow Jackets typically seem to be able to keep this game within 6 points.

Georgia Bulldog Cheerleader: Things could get a little cheeky for Mark Richt and his Georgia Bulldogs if they lose again to in state rival Georgia Tech.
South Carolina vs. Clemson (Clemson, road, +4.5) When was the last time that the Clemson Tigers were relevant in the National Title picture? According to their fans it was as recently as a month ago. According to the rest of the country it was 1981. They're still better than an overrated SEC East South Carolina team.

The South Carolina football team might be overrated, but at least their cheerleaders come with instructions.
Alabama vs. Auburn (Alabama, road, -21) Alabama has already poisoned the trees at Auburn's historic Grove. Now it's time for them to rape their football team and beat their women. ROLL-DAMN-TIDE!

I never quite understood why the University of Alabama had an elephant for their mascot. Unfortunately, I do now...No wonder why their fans are so angry.
Notre Dame vs. Stanford (Notre Dame, road, +7) Andrew Luck has been struggling slightly of late. Aside from him, Stanford is just a bunch of slow white kids...just like Notre Dame. Give me the points in this one.

I see some "tree-stieality" in this Stanford Cheerleader's future.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "Coach is running the show like he's Jesus"

This week's episode began with the increasingly arrogant Coach describing his strategy for keeping the masses in check. "Survivor 101, Rule #37, anybody who's on the bottom of an alliance better not feel like they're on a bottom of an alliance, or they're going to revolt."

Cochran was buying into Coach's propaganda. "As painful as it is for me to admit it, I am drinking the Coach Kool-Aide. I'm drinking it slowly, not huge gulps...Because if I'm not on the cult leader's side, I'm going to meet an untimely death, so I need to support the father of "The Family."

No, that's not's Coach when he was in charge of his original alliance back in the 60's known as "The Family."
Jim, Keith and Ozzy competed in a three-way Redemption Challenge for the right to stay in the game. Their challenge consisted of keeping a pole balanced on the top of their hands while their arms were outstretched while pressing the pole up against an overhead board. Jim was eliminated quickly when his pole fell to the ground. He did finally finish first in something when he became the first member of the Jury. Ozzy then barely outlasted Keith to continue his at Redemption Island.

Ozzy seemed content with his vacation at Redemption Island as compared to being involved in the rigors of the game back at camp. "Redemption ads a whole new twist to it. If you have the skills and ability like I do, you can come out fresh and rejuvenated...and play the end game with voracity you can't when you're having to deal with a tribe."

Back at camp, Rick (the mute Cowboy), failed in his attempt to replace Ozzy as the Tribe's fisherman. Meanwhile, Cochran started to become concerned about being the seventh member out of seven in the Upolu Alliance, and began to talk about making another major move to play with Dawn and Whitney.

At the Individual Immunity Challenge the contestants had to balance a bowl of rice on their heads, walk over two teeter-totters, and empty their bowls into a container until it reached the fill-line. Sophie ended up winning, with Jeff Probst announcing that a "twist" was forthcoming at Tribal Council.

Cochran surmised that the "twist" would be a double elimination, with a second Immunity Challenge immediately following the first vote. Albert continued to establish himself as Coach's top competition and mounted a campaign against alliance member Edna, noting how she wouldn't vote for him over Coach if it came down to it. He also noted how targeting Edna would earn him points with Cochran, Whitney and Dawn on the Jury.

Albert went on to inform Cochran that he was in fact seventh in the pecking order in their alliance, and proposed taking out Edna along with Whitney, Dawn, and Sophie. Sophie, the potential swing vote, noted, "Albert is showing his true colors more and more, which are maybe closer to my true colors." Meanwhile Coach, the religious leader in the game, tried to impose a new rule that would prohibit women and non-whites from voting since they represented a threat to his power.

At Tribal Council, Whitney was asked by Jeff if Coach was the Upolu Alliance leader. "Everybody reports back to him. If they're always reporting back to him, thats what you gotta assume, right?" Albert expounded by saying, "I definitely don't think he's my leader, or the leader, he might just be a figurehead." Ultimately, the Te Tuna Tribe voted out Dawn, but it's clear that the masses are already planning their revolt.

The writing is on the wall...the masses are planning to revolt against the Church of Coach, which makes Jesus sad.
Following Dawn's eviction, Jeff announced that this week would in fact be a double Tribal Council, with an Immunity Challenge to take place immediately. Sophie won her second Individual Immunity in a row in a series of true or false questions based on "surviving" off the land in the South Pacific. Whitney was then voted out, and she joined Dawn and Ozzy at Redemption Island.

Ranking the Survivors:

9. Whitney - Whitney was on to Coach's strategy as she noted, "Coach is running the show like he's Jesus...Obviously all seven (members of his alliance) can't go to the end. Cochran went to Harvard, Sophie is going to med-school. I can't believe how all these smart people can be so stupid.

"Thumbs-Up Coach" does not approve of Whitney's analysis...or for that matter, anyone else who questions authority.

8. Dawn - When Dawn got voted out, at least one member got in a little jab by writing "her" name down as "Don" given her masculine traits. Dawn is now one step away from going back home to Utah and reuniting with her son and four wives.
7. Ozzy - I have to rate Ozzy ahead of the the other two Redemption Island contestants, Dawn and Whitney. In fact, I wouldn't bet against Ozzy even if I knew that next week's Redemption Challenge was going to consist of playing country music or riding mountain bikes and going door to door to sell magazines.
6. Cochran - Cochran kind of reminds me of an insecure girlfriend in the way that he left his Savaii Tribe alliance for Upolu's. The insecure girlfriend leaves her original boyfriend at the first sign of attention from a new guy because she didn't like the way she was being treated. Then, when she realizes that she isn't the new guy's top priority despite having been told how pretty she was because the new guy lost interest after finally getting what he wanted, she starts making plans to go back to the old boyfriend with her tail beteween her legs. Let's just call Cochran "Hannah," hypothetically speaking of course.
5. Albert - Ultra religious and tribe leader Coach is beginning to worry about Albert for thinking on his own and questioning his commands. Ahh, the religious parallels...
4. Rick - Rick spoke again this week at the Redemption Challenge, where he was heard yelling, "Stay focused Jim." I find this interesting, because the only other time he spoke this season was when he yelled "good luck" at Christine at an earlier Redemption Challenge. Apparently there is something at Redemption Island makes the mustachioed cowboy a fucking wild man.
3. Russell's Nephew - So Russell's Nephew has a kid...

Dead fucking serious, this is an actual picture from Russell's Nephew's Survivor: South Pacific Facebook page. While the Hantz clan may not always use birth control, apparently they exercize their own form of "late term abortion" in Texas.
2. Edna - I actually think Edna is ideally suited to finish third is this game. She's just non-threatening enough to keep around until the end, but ultimately the top contestant will opt to take someone who is less likable and less respected for their game with them for the final vote, a/k/a Russell's Nephew.
1. Coach - In preparing for an eventual show-down with alliance member Albert coach said, "He's either trying to come up with a last second plan, or he's trying to come up with jury votes...Neither one of them is acceptable in my opinion...If either one of them wants to vote against 'The Five,' it's instant death."

Friday, November 18, 2011

NFL Picks Week 11: "Because Joe Paterno is living proof that you can get lung cancer second hand from pole smokers"

Week 10 NFL Picks: 5-8
NFL results season to date: 72-64-7

Week 10 College Football results: 2-1-1
College Football results season to date: 19-21-2

Week 11 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

New York Jets vs. Denver (New York Jets, road, -7) Tim Tebow and the Broncos finally escape the comfort of the AFC West and face a real defense.

Tennessee vs. Atlanta (Tennessee, road, +6.5) Despite losing Kenny Britt to injury and CJ2K mentally, the Titans are not all that bad.
Buffalo vs. Miami (Buffalo, road, +2.5) So, are Dolphin fans comfortable with the fact that Matt fucking Moore might cost them Andrew Luck? It's time that Buffalo gets back to winning, and Miami gets back to losing.
Cincinnati vs. Baltimore (Baltimore, home, -7) I'm not sure the Bengals are ready to win a big game yet, especially on the road. The Ravens only seem to be able to win big games, especially when they're at home.
Jacksonville vs. Cleveland (Jacksonville, road, +1) Umm, no thanks? I think I like the Jaguars over the Browns in a 1-0 game.
Oakland vs. Minnesota (Minnesota, home, -1) Call me crazy, but I think Jared Allen and the Vikings defensive line will get all over Carson Palmer and the Raiders asses in a loud Metrodome.
Carolina vs. Detroit (Tennessee, road, +3.5) Take the points whenever the Panthers get them. I still think Detroit wins, but Carolina should be able to shut down Calvin Johnson, a/k/a Megatron, and keep this one close with Jahvid Best still unable to keep defenses honest due to lingering effects from a concussion.  
Tampa Bay vs. Green Bay (Green Bay, home, -14) The Buccaneers have been huge disappointments this season, while the Packers still haven't yet set the bar on how high the point spread can go for them to cover.
Dallas vs. Washington (Dallas, road, -7.5) The emergence of Demarco Murray has allowed the Cowboys and Tony Romo to play conservatively, which is a good thing considering that he has the playmakers to make plays off of conservative calls instead of making him force things. On the other hand, Rex Grossman has to force things for the Pigskins to have any chance at winning, which is a bad thing.

In a side note, Washington TE Chris Cooley challenged Tony Romo to a fight earlier this season. He also tried to make a hillarious video spoofing Romo and Cowboy TE Jason Witten. I'm no Cowboy fan or Tony Romo apologist, but considering that the only "hillarious" thing about Cooley are the pictures of his penis that he "accidentally" posted on his blog, he and his white trash deuche bag in crime Colt Brennan might want to lay off the comedy and work a little harder on getting real jobs now that their cups of coffee in the NFL are all but over.

Fantasy Files from Tanner Cooley on Vimeo.

Arizona vs. San Francisco (Arizona, road, +9.5) I think the 49ers can shut down the Cardinals running game, but can they contain Larry Fitzgerald now that John Skelton is taking shots to him down field? I think Arizona keeps this one close...just a feeling.
Seattle vs. St. Louis (St. Louis, home, -1) Just when the Seahawks were starting to run the ball effectively, they lose two starting offensive linemen for the year. That should also help the Rams up and coming defensive line put significant pressure on Tavaris Jackson and force some turnovers.
Chicago vs. San Diego (Chicago, home, -3.5) The Chargers just don't seem to be in sync this year, and I can't see a road game against the Bears in November at Soldier Field being the spark that gets them to turn their season around.
Philadelphia vs. New York Giants (New York Giants, home, -4.5) I'm not sure I wouldn't take the Giants at -4.5 against the Eagles even if Michael Vick was certain to play. Since we still don't know Vick's status at this time, I'll take the Giants pass rush and power running game over  Philly regardless of who their QB is.

New England vs. Kansas City (New England, road, -14.5) My gut tells me not to take the road team in night games such as this. My brain tells me that the Patriots varsity teams kicks the asses of their JV counterparts in the Chiefs, especially with Tyler Palko as their quarterback.

College Football's Top Games of the Week:

Nebraska vs. Michigan (Nebraska, road, +3.5) Now that they are in the BIG, Nebraska has firmly established an identity as a whiter version of the Wisconsin Badgers. With that said, the Cornhuskers (is that one word or two?) should still be able to keep Denard Robinson and the one dimensional Wolverines in check.

What are the two things that come from Ann Arbor? 1. Year after year the most overrated football team in America. 2. Ugly chicks.
Ohio State vs. Penn State (Penn State, road, +7) Ahh, the Scandal Bowl! Let's just say that there's no program in America happier that Penn State and Jerry Sandusky's Nittany "Loin" got busted for an underage sex scandal than the Ohio State Buckeyes, as covering up some free tattoos doesn't look nearly that bad when you compare it to keeping silent about your defensive coordinator wrestling small boys in the locker room shower with nothing but his penis. Despite the scandal, Penn State's chances of winning the B1G are not dead yet, and I don't think the Buckeyes will be able to score enough points to keep up with them. BTW, it's worth your time to check out this clip from this week's episode of South Park, in which they completely trashed Penn State. I don't know how those guys consistently knock out topical episodes in less than a week's time, but they always do.

Joe Paterno is living proof that you can get lung cancer second hand from pole smokers.

Kansas State vs. Texas (Kansas State, road, +9) K-State has done me right so far this year. I'll take the points against an overrated Longhorns team playing behind a back-up QB.

So let me get this straight....the University of Texas Cheerleaders wear chaps?...And they can get away with that on a college campus?

Oklahoma vs. Baylor (Oklahoma, road, -15.) I can't see the Bears having the talent to hang with the Sooners in this game. Afterall, they are a Southern Baptist University, so their talent pool must be pretty shallow, unless something shady is going on down in Waco...which their probably is given the unexpected success and recruiting exploits of their football and basketball teams.

So when I tried to find pictures of University of Oklahoma Cheerleaders, it turned out that the girls at Oklahoma State were just inherently hotter...sorry Sooners.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "I'm not going to be aggressive...We're not like gangsters out here man."

Things started off fairly tense given that Cochran betrayed his Savaii Tribe alliance when he voted with Upolu and blind-sided Keith.

When Ozzy calmly questioned Cochran about flipping, Russell's Nephew tried to intervene by saying, "I'm just trying to make sure that nobody's being aggressive with him," Ozzy responded by saying, "C'mon, I'm not going to be aggressive...we're not like gangsters out here man."

Jim, on the other hand, was not as cool. Right after Ozzy wished Cochran luck in the game, he jumped in and blurted, "Coward! You're a poor excuse for a man. Don't ever fucking talk to me again." While you question Cochran's decision making, and maybe his manhood, I have to admit it took some nuts to betray his entire tribe, so I don't think I'd call him a "coward."

Aspiring country music singer Whitney was not much more sympathetic or any less hostile. So you were the vote?...You realize Keith and I saved you three times...and that's what you fucking do? You got a lot to learn buddy. You disgust me." Suddenly I'm seeing a little more Gretchen Wilson in her career and a little less Taylor Swift.

At the Immunity Challenge, the first four players to toss a coconut into a ring moved on to a second round, where they had to crack open coconuts and then spitting the juice into a container until it reached a certain level. The final four contestants were Whitney, Dawn, Sophie and Jim, so three of them had a distinct advantage when it came to busting nuts and spitting out the creamy white liquid that came out. Unfortunately for Dawn, she is a devout had little practice in life to prepare herself for the challenge.

On the other hand, Jim attended the University of Michigan, so he had no problem tossing balls, busting nuts and spitting out the creamy goodness. He ended up winning the Immunity Necklace when Sophie swallowed her milk and vomited it back up just as she was about to hit her fill-line.

Jim went on to propose giving the necklace to Ozzy just before the vote at Tribal Council and making a last second plea for the Upolu Alliance to vote out Cochran instead since they wouldn't have a chance to discuss who to change their vote to. 

At Tribal Council, Savaii's remaining members, or a least Jim, continued to attack Cochran for flipping alliances. Cochran rationalized his decision by saying, "I didn't mentally prepare for this for 11 years to have my fate decided by drawing a rock out of a bag. There's a reason why the last time people drew rocks was Season 4...That's not the essence of Survivor, it's about taking control of my own fate." 

Jim responded by questioning Cochran's integrity, knowing that was an important factor to Upolu Tribe members like Coach and Brandon. "I saved Cochran in the First vote. I saved Cochran in the second vote. Keith, Whitney and I saved Cochran in the third vote. Then Ozzy saved him at Redemption Island...I've gotten to know the Upolu Tribe over the past couple days, and there's not a single one of them who would let someone fight their battles for them, and there's not a singe person among that tribe that would do something so dishonorable, in my opinion."

After his rant on playing honestly, Jim went back on his plan to give Ozzy the Immunity Necklace and kept it for himself instead. Ozzy made one last play to stay by pointing out that if he got sent to Redemption Island he'd be fishing for one person and not fourteen, allowing him to stock up on protein and regain his strength. "I hope to see all of you coming through there, and I'll make you a nice fish and send you on your way."

Ozzy was ultimately voted out, and he headed to Redemption Island where he immediately caught a 15 pound fish that he shared with Keith...Also, I'm also pretty sure that Ozzy's blurred out eviction vote read "Cockless" instead of Cochran, or at least something very similar.

With this week's episode featuring two Tribal Councils, the contestants were given the option of playing in the second Immunity Challenge or feasting on pastries and ice coffee until it ended. The only tribe mates who decided to compete were the former Savaii members Jim, Dawn and Whitney, with Whitney outlasting Dawn standing on a plank and balancing a ball on an arch.

Russell Hantz and Russell's Nephew both wearing Tap-Out/Affliction style t-shirts? Well at least we know they have Wal-marts in Texas.

Dawn gained the support of the Upolu when she said she'd compete as long as she could so they would be able to keep eating. That rubbed Albert the wrong way, who saw her trying to "eek" her way into their alliance. Russell's Nephew "tapped out" from eating too much, prompting Cochran to pat him and say, "You can rest your head on my shoulder..." just like any good prison bitch would.

At Tribal Council Dawn said, "I don't think I would have eaten the food today to be honest. I really did see this as one tribe, so that was hard for me to watch them eat." Russell's Nephew took exception when he replied, "I love you Dawn, but you told us you had wanted to stay up there as long as possible so we could eat...You just contradicted what you just said."

When Dawn interjected by saying that it was just hard for her to watch them eat since she was hungry but had to compete for Immunity in order to secure her own safety, Russell's Nephew said, "I'm don't buy it." That's why Savaii Tribe, excluding Cochran, is going to be picked off...We're trying to be nice about it, but sometime it just gets on your nerves...I can promise you Jeff, that none of us are going to stop until that whole Savaii Tribe is completely (hand gesture).

Despite Russell's Nephew's bizarre hostility towards Dawn, Jim was voted out and sent to Redemption Island by the rest of the Upolu Tribe, which has to be concerned with Russell's Nephew's inability to keep his mouth shut regarding their overall game strategy.

Ranking the Survivors:

10. Jim - The weakest competitor and least liked of the three former Savaii tribe members stuck at Redemption Island.
9. Keith - Keith probably has the best chance of taking Ozzy out at the Redemption Island, just so long as the Challenge doesn't involve swimming or climbing trees.
8. Ozzy - Ozzy on Redemption Island is kind of like the final episode of Lost. It's not in Purgatory, he's in Heaven. He can spear dive and climb coconut trees in peace without the pressure of having to think.
7. Dawn - She obviously needs to pay for saying it was "difficult" to compete as hard as she could and forgo food so Upolu's former tribe members could sit and eat pastries.
6. Cochran - He made a big move to go from in the mix with Ozzy as a strategic player in the Savaii Tribe, to the becoming most expendable member of the Upolu Alliance. I guess they don't teach logic at Harvard Law School. Cochran still needs to make another big move in this game in order to get numbers in his favor if he wants to make it to the final 2 or 3.
5. Albert - Given that he's probably the biggest physical threat in the game, the fact that he has his own opinions and is not necessarily willing to blindly vote out whoever Coach is targeting is probably not going to go over too well with The Dragon Slayer. Along with Cochran, I think Albert is in the most need of, and probably the most likely to make a big move in this game.
4. Rick - Pros, the only time he may have spoke all season long was when he told Christine "good luck" at her Redemption Challenge, only to have her promptly flip him off. Cons, he wears a cowboy hat and has a huge mustache...Wait, those are neither pros nor cons. Unfortunately, that's about all I have on this guy.
3. Russell's Nephew - Everyone wants to bring him along with them to the Finals, but his mouth might make him liability before he ever gets that chance.
2. Edna - The perfect mix of flying under the radar and not being a strong enough player to be a threat to anyone. An ideal candidate to take to the Finals in the event that Russell's Nephew is unable to fulfill his duties as Least Likely to Win.
1. Coach - People are buying into Coach as the leader of the Upolu alliance. Then again, Survivor is a lot like a horse don't necessarily want to be in the lead early.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "I should have stood up for Cochran sooner...I have a son who reminds me of him who has red hair"

While last week's episode had ended with Ozzy volunteering to be voted out by his Savaii tribe mates so he could try to eliminate Christine at the Redemption Challenge, Cochran was not necessarily buying in to his role as a "double agent." "I think if anybody in this game is capable of being a double agent it's me...I've already been pretending like I like these people in my tribe through the last 18 days. I think I deserve an Academy Award for that performance - 'First you get the egomaniac returning player voted out, then you get his Idol, then you get the million dollars.'"

I kind of like Cochran's three-step plan to winning up until the part where he leaves out getting the sugar.

When he arrived at Redemption Island, Ozzy began to sell his story that he was blindsided by Cochran to Christine:
Christine: "What happened Ozzy?"
Ozzy: "Idol."
Christine: "Who had it?
Ozzy: "Guess."
Christine: "Cochran?"
Ozzy: "Yes, how'd you know!?!"
At that point Ozzy was starting to feel pretty good about the job he was doing on selling his story. "First step was getting myself voted out. Second step - getting her to believe that. Third step - beating her and getting the other tribe false information."

If Cochran and Ozzy could have a baby together, that child would be Eddie Rabbit.

Unfortunately for Ozzy and the rest of the Savaii Tribe, things didn't go as smoothly when Ozzy proactively volunteered how bitter he was about getting blindsided to the Upolu tribe members when they showed up to watch the Redemption Challenge. Or as Al said to Coach while shaking his head, "I don't buy it."

After Ozzy beat Dawn in a challenge that consisted of tying sticks together until they were long enough to reach sets of keys to unlock themselves, it was announced that the tribes would merge as Savaii had anticipated.

Coach wasted no time in calling Cochran out when he volunteered that he had been treated like shit by his Savaii tribe mates. "I feel like you guys are trying to play us, OK? You guys came up with a story, you guys sent Ozzy to Redemption Island, you got an Idol in your pocket, and knowing Ozzy would win Redemption, it was a risk, but you know Ozzy would win Redemption...We will not bend, we will vote six strong...There's a one if five chance you'll be drawing a black rock."

After calling a clearly rattled Cochran out and threatening to send him to the tie-breaker for elimination, Coach decided to Dr. Phil and reach out to him. "I've been made fun of my whole life. I might be the Dragon Slayer now, but I know what it feels like to be superior to people in one way, and they know it, so they try to find ways that you're inferior to cut you down. I now what that feels like man, and you have a chance to change the game for your self. There's a line in the sand - come across that line."

It seemed as if Coach's "come to the dark side" speech clearly made an impression on Cochran, who said, "What I took away from Coach is he's an incredibly intelligent guy. I've watched and always viewed him as this eccentric "Dragon Slayer" who talks about Wizards and King Arthur, but he's a smart guy."

Coach found it much easier to manipulate the game of Survivor when he realized that John Cochran was really Steve Smith from American Dad.

Cochran wasted no time in spilling the beans on Ozzy's plan when Sophie quizzed him and asked, "I just want to know if (Ozzy) volunteered?" When Cochran confirmed her suspicion Sophie said, "There was no illusion...the beans were pretty loose."

Cochran confided to his former Savaii tribe mate Dawn that the prospect of having to draw rocks in the event of a tiebreaker had him worried and that he was considering switching allegiances based upon the way he had been treated. Dawn then launched her Mormon mother of the year campaign when she sobbed  "I should have stood up for Cochran sooner...I have a son who reminds me of him who has red hair!"

Based upon their equally "Redjudice" remarks, it sounds like Dawn and Prince Charles would have made the perfect couple. And just so Dawn knows, instead of sobbing on national television about how you feel bad for your son because he has red hair, the proper parental response is to buy him a weight set and teach him to make the first kid who tries to make fun of his hair cry by over escalating the confrontation and saying the one thing that everyone is thinking about him or his family, but is to afraid to say...It has the same effect as starting a fight on your first day in prison in that nobody is going to fuck with you from then on out.

And as for Prince Charles having been upset that his son was born a red, I'd like to remind him that it was actually Harry grew up to be the good looking one, while William ended up with his dad's receding hairline that he was able to parlay into a commoner as his Queen in waiting who has a whore for a sister that will embarrass the Royal Family for years to come.

Pippa Middleton is kind of like the UK's version of Bristol Palin, if only her mom had become President.
Alright, back to Survivor. The merged tribes agreed on "Te Tuna" as their new name, which according to Keith was apparently based upon a story of how the coconut came to be. The first Individual Immunity Challenge consisted of standing on a small perch while holding a coconut between two outstretched ropes and trying to keep it from falling. Dawn won immunity for women, while Ozzy won it for the men.

More importantly, we saw that Russell's Nephew had a spiderweb tattoo on his arm, meaning that he's either done time, is a white supremacist, or both.

Maybe Brandon Hantz just really liked that catch Spiderweb song by Gwen Steffani and No Doubt.
While Cochran did return Ozzy's Immunity Idol, he continued to make plans to switch his allegiance to the Upolu Tribe. Legitimately afraid that he might get beat-up by his former tribe mates, he asked Coach, "Where am I sleeping tonight?" Coach reassured him saying, "You're sleeping right between me and Edna, or you can sleep next to Sophie if you want - you have carte blanche." So I guess we can officially add "tribal pimp" to Coach's list of fake occupations.

Coach went on to explain, "I've convinced Cochran that...the weak will finally become strong, that the nerds will finally rise up to the bully and give them a bully beat-down." Alright, this is either another Biblical quote from Coach, or something like the fourth time that he's based his actions in this game upon a movie plot or scene from the 1980's or early 1990's. Either way, it's getting annoying.

Cochran and Coach have found an unexpected bond and alliance. Look for them to be surprisingly joined next season by Russell Hantz in Survivor Heroes and Villains II: In Paradise, which will be shot in Fort Lauderdale next year during spring break.
At Tribal Council, the former Upolu Tribe members confronted Ozzy about having the Immunity Idol and fabricating the story that he had been sent to Redemption Island after being blindsided by Cochran. Ozzy came clean when he said, "I do have the Idol, or rather, we do have the Idol." 

Ozzy gave the Immunity Idol to Whitney after the vote based upon Jim's reverse logic that Upolu would target their weakest member knowing that Savaii could use Immunity Idols to protect their strongest members in Ozzy and either Keith or himself.

Unfortunately for Savaii, Jim overthought the matter (in addition to overestimating his strength as a player in the game) and they ended up wasting Ozzy's Idol on Whitney when Upolu voted for Keith. That lead to a 6-6 tie between he and Savaii's target, Rich. With Keith and Rich sitting out the re-vote, Cochran changed his vote to Keith, thereby sending him to Redemption Island.

When Cochran tried to immediately explain himself to his former Savaii tribe mates, Jim dismissed him by snarling, "Coward!" In a touching moment of humanity, much like when an injured infant falls into a guerrilla's cage, and the guerrilla ends up caring for it instead of eating it, Russell's Nephew came to Cochran's rescue by snapping back, "Don't talk to him like that, that's what you get for talking to people like that in the first place!"

Russell's Nephew then whispered "stay close to me" in Cochran's ear as a clearly tense Te Tuna Tribe walked out of their first Tribal Council following the merge...Which I think is the official prison way of informing Cochran who he was going to be sleeping next to.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

NFL Picks - Week 10: Because Marc Sanchez needs to work on average before he can become an elite QB

Week 9 NFL Picks: 9-5
NFL results season to date: 67-56-7

Week 9 College Football results: 3-1
College Football results season to date: 17-20-1

Week 10 NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):

San Diego vs. Oakland (San Diego, home, -7) The Raiders are on the road in a short week. Phil Rivers and the Chargers showed some signs of life last week against Green Bay after a shaky first quarter.

Pittsburgh vs. Cincinnati (Pittsburgh, road, -3) I'm tempted to go with the Bengals at home in this rivalry game, but they are such a young team I'm not sure that they will fully know what to expect.

A Steelers fan in a camouflage Roethlisberger? I think we've reached a new low.
Kansas City vs. Denver (Kansas City, home, -3.5) Is it just me, or does it seem like the Chiefs have played a crappy opponent just about every week over the past two seasons? Tim Tebow has yet another weak defensive match-up, although I'll give Chiefs the nod over the Broncos since this one's being played at Arrowhead.
Jacksonville vs. Indianapolis (Jacksonville, road, -3) These teams are equally inept at the quarterback position this season. However, unlike the Colts, the Jaguars have a strong running game and an emerging defense.
Dallas vs. Buffalo (Buffalo, road, +5.5) I keep hearing rumors that the Cowboys will give Felix Jones the staring RB job back when he returns from injury. If Jerry Jones insists on staying loyal to his fellow Razorback and former first round draft pick with an emerging star on his hands in Demarco Murray Cowboy fans should be irate. In fact, I'm starting to think that Jerry Jones is morphing into Al Davis since he passed away, kind of like the "lead bitch" position got passed around in the movie 'Heathers' whenever one of them died.
Houston vs. Tampa Bay (Tampa Bay, home, +3.5) The Buccaneers have not lived up to expectations this year, but I can't give up points with them at home against a Texans team that is looking like they will be without Andre Johnson for yet another week.
Carolina vs. Tennessee (Tennessee, road, +3.5) The Titans are not a sexy team, but they are halfway decent wit Matt Hasselbeck at quarterback. While I will admit that I was entirely wrong about Cam Newton, in fact, I'm actually starting to like the kid, I don't quite understand how the Panthers can be favored by 3.5 points in this game.
Miami vs. Washington (Washington, road, +4) Last week the Dolphins were winless, playing for the right to draft Andrew Luck with the #1 pick in next year's draft. Now, one win over a mediocre Kansas City team, and the Dolphins are actually favored? I'll happily take the Pigskins and the points in this game.
Arizona vs. Philadelphia (Philadelphia, home, -13.5) The Eagles and Michael Vick should finally be able to break out with the deep ball against the Cardinals secondary, while Arizona does not have the talent to take advantage of Philly's weak linebacking corps. The line on this one hasn't been set yet, but I'll take Philly giving anything from 13.5 points and less.
New Orleans vs. Atlanta (Atlanta, home, +1) The Saints have historically struggled stopping Michael Turner and the Falcons inside running game. The interior of their defensive line is once again a weakness for New Orleans, so I can't see the Falcons losing this game at home. 
Cleveland vs. St. Louis (St. Louis, road, +3) The Browns haven't been able to take advantage of the league's easiest schedule. The Rams might be starting to turn the corner now that Sam Bradford is starting to get healthy and learn Josh McDaniel's new offense.
Chicago vs. Detroit (Chicago, home, -3) Jay Cutler called out the Lions for not being able to play outside of a dome. With rain and win expected in Chicago this weekend, and given the way Detroit has struggled to contain Matt Forte in recent years, and he might be on to something. I still look for this to be a low scoring game.
Baltimore vs. Seattle (Baltimore, road, -7) The Ravens have been Jeckyl and Hyde this year. At time they have looked like an elite team, and at others they have struggled against inferior opponents. This is a true test for them having the travel across the country to play the Seahawks. I think the Ravens defense should be able to shut down Marshawn Lynch and the Seattle running game, rendering them one dimensional behind a quarterback who can't throw.
San Francisco vs. New York Giants (New York Giants, road, + 3.5) I'm still not sold on the 49'ers. Alex Smith will need to prove that he can avoid the Giants pass rush and take advantage of their beat-up secondary. If he can do that, I'll be a believer.
New York Jets vs. New England (New England, road, +1) This week a caption in USA Today asked whether Marc Sanchez was poised to take the next step and become an "elite" quarterback. I think he needs to take the step from mediocre to average before he ever thinks about the word elite.

Green Bay vs. Minnesota (Green Bay, home, -14) If the Vikings can't generate a pass rush and get to Aaron Rodgers early, I can't see them scoring enough points to even hang close at Lambeau Field.

College Football's Top Games of the Week:

Oregon vs. Stanford (Oregon, road, -3.5) It's time to find out if Andrew Luck and the Cardinal are for real. Until they prove themselves, I'm going to go with the established program and the points over the big time quarterback and an unestablished program.

I'm staring to worry that Oregon's cheerleaders are going to start going "one and done," because they look ready to turn "professional" if you ask me.
Nebraska vs. Penn State (Nebraska, road, -3) I can't believe that Penn State is actually playing in this game after. Not that I expected them to forfeit, I just always thought that it would have been Notre Dame caught up in a sex scandal involving young boys.

Georgia vs. Auburn (Auburn, road, +13) So is it proper southern etiquette for opposing schools to buy Mark Richt a farewell present as he makes his final appearances in the SEC as coach for the Bulldogs? If so, does he have to return them when Mississippi State recycles him and hires him as their head coach for next season?

Former Bulldog QB Mathew Stafford seems to be doing pretty well with his cheerleader girlfriend and her implants.
Virginia Tech vs. Georgia Tech (Virginia Tech, road, -1) The Yellow Jackets are just too one dimensional with their triple option run offense to stay with the Hokies.

This girl is neither one dimensional nor a Ramblin' Wreck.