Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "I just have zero beliefs, except for magic. I believe in magic, it's awesome"

While she was spared from elimination by the Galang Tribe last week because she was so weak and not a threat, Female Rupert felt otherwise.

"Rupert gave up his game to allow me to play, I think he would be so proud of me (her voice cracking)."

Tyson decided to target Aras hoping to make a big move, and not at all because he secretly has a homosexual crush on him, which of course, is expressly forbidden by Supreme Pope of all of Utah. 

"I really do like Aras, he's a great guy, he's funny. He's a little out there on his zen type beliefs, because I just have zero beliefs, except for magic, I believe in magic, it's awesome."

Sadly, Tyson apparently gets his "beliefs" from the Mormon Church and a David Blaine video.

At Redemption Island, the challenge required the competitors to untie a series of bags attached to a balance beam without falling off, and then use the pieces inside to solve a puzzle.

Laura M. ended up winning, John finished second, and ex-NFL player Brad hit the showers for good, but not before offering his wife Monica some words of wisdom.

"I came here as a shield. Through my fault or no fault of my own, I probably became an anchor. You're free. The winds blowing, sail."

Of course, had Brad been all that wise to begin with, he would have been able to solve a fucking puzzle.

Monica bemoaned the fact that she would have to play the game all by herself, not knowing who to blow now, even though she and Brad had been in separate tribes since the show started.

"I am going to have to do this ALL, BY, MYSELF. Now that I don't have Brad anymore, to soften whatever blows...I have to think about me, that's it."

Laura decided to give the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol to Vytas, who followed rank and threw it in the fire just like Monica had the past two weeks.

However, unlike Monica, Vytas was able to make the decision to throw the clue into the fire without Brad telling him what to do.

Jeff then announced that the days of playing against loved ones was over, and that they would switching the game up by drawing for new tribes.

Vytas and Katie went to Galang to join up with Monica, Tina, Female Rupert and Kat.

On the other side, Tyson wanted to draw his buff last to "let fate decide" where he went, and wound up on Tadhana along with Aras, Gervase, Caleb, Hayden and Ciera. 

Noting that she was the only girl on her tribe, Ciera, who got knocked up by the age of seventeen and once again in her early twenties, said, "It can either be a really great thing, or a really bad thing."

While Ciera Eastin won't be on the show long enough for us to figure out whether or not she misses her period, she did her best to let us know the results...She's pregnant. 

For some reason Hayden and Caleb decided to give up what they had learned about the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol from John to their new tribe members.

That caused Tyson to exclaim, "Hayden and Caleb gave the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol to ME...I don't know, stupid will be stupid."

And while that may not have been the smartest move by Hayden and Caleb, it wasn't like they just gave the clue to Tyson, they also gave it to Gervase, so Tyson might have been just a little bit full of himself...Again.

Having tasted crime and liking it after stealing coconuts while a member of the Galang Tribe, Tyson declared that his goal was to steal and eat as much of Tadhana's food as he could, proving that Mormons and Christian Scientists should never be trusted.

Tyson then acted like he was doing Tadhana a favor by saying, "After I crack a coconut and drink half of it I pass the rest around to the other five people to share. So, that's pretty generous of me to do."

And as Survivor goes, that was probably the nicest gesture in the game's history since Russell's Nephew "allowed" himself to get voted out before he could pee in the beans.

The Immunity Challenge required the new tribes to swim out in pairs, dive to release fish traps with bags of puzzle pieces, then swim to shore and solve the puzzle.

Not only did Tina (along with Female Rupert) swim back while forgetting her bag of puzzle pieces, but she and Monica blew the opportunity for a huge comeback by Galang by erroneously thinking they had solved their puzzle, only to have Jeff Probst inform them that they were wrong...Twice.

However, instead of targeting Tina for swinging and missing three times, Galang's plan was to eliminate Vytas.

That is, until Kat decided to go against the All-Girls Alliance and target Monica. You know, because that's what girls do...Like every group of girls who thought they were friends before they tried to live together in college.

And with Tina being a good narc and telling Monica that Kat was targeting her heading into Tribal Council, Kat got CALLED-THE-FUCK-OUT!

Vytas played the situation masterfully, calling Kat's question into loyalty.

And when Kat made a final plea saying, "Please stay together guys," Vytas usurped her and said, "WE will stay together," as he confidently made eye contact with all of the other girls.

With Vytas instantly earning his V-Card, Kat was voted out.

Kat Edorsson: Miami Hurricanes

And with the perfect combination of coolness and insecurity that makes guys like strippers, Kat said, "I'm worried about Hayden. I'm worried that he's going to be disappointed in me. God forbid that this does anything to our relationship, because on a 1 to 10 of coolness, I just got a negative 2."

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "Do I feel powerful now? I think the word I've heard is 'Big Kahunas'"

Even after losing last week's Immunity Challenge and voting yet another strong player in Brad Culpepper sent off to Redemption Island, the Tadhana Tribe still went back to camp and celebrated...Mainly because all of the returning players "loved ones" are stupid.

At Galang, Laura M. gave Aras a massage in hopes of sucking up to him and getting in the good graces of his alliance.

When asked how she got so good at giving massages, Laura M. said "Twenty years of being married," plus that one summer she worked in an Asian massage parlor.

However, that plan backfired, as it only caused Tyson to get jealous, thereby putting an ever bigger target on her back since he thought she was trying to steal his man.

At night Tyson Apostol turns into "Tyson O'Possum," the Survivor super villain who steals and eats coconuts and toenails.

Female Rupert, feeling like an outcast at the veteran player camp, couldn't even give her body heat away, getting rebuked when she said, "Gervase, I've got blankie space...I've got blanket space," in an open offer for him to come and cuddle with her at night.

Gervase declined her offer by saying, "I'm good," which was kind of odd since she's white and fat. However, that didn't deter an obviously desperate Female Rupert from continuing to dangle her goods, as she said, "Okay, for future reference!"

Monica asked Brad if she could take his spot at the Redemption Challenge.

The challenge itself required Brad, John and Candice to take crate apart, build bridge puzzle to walk across, and then solve puzzle, with the first two to finish staying in the game.

John ended up winning, while Candice lost to her nemesis, Brad.

As the winner, John once again decided to give the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol to Monica to put a target on her.

When Jeff Probst asked Monica what she was going to do with that clue, Brad instructed his wife to "Throw it in the fire...It's no good." Sure enough Monica told Jeff that she was going to "Throw it in the fire...It's no good, these aren't the droids you're looking for."

Back at Galang's camp Monica tried to stand up for her husband in light of the bad reputation he's developed as a bully.

"He's not just a dumb jock, he's a lawyer too,"which was good, because most people didn't realize that he was a lawyer in addition to being a dumb jock...As well as a stupid redneck.

At Tadhana's camp, Katie was dealing with an outbreak of leprosy, which was causing her toenails and skin to peel off.

Holy John Madden, somebody get Katie Collins some "tough actin' Tinactin!"

Or as Ciera said, "I feel like I can break her toes off. They're red, they're crusty, her toe nails are falling off."

Vytas was equally disgusted. "It's not something that I choose to look at, because it kind of sickens me a little bit, but I feel bad for the girl."

Vytas commented how Caleb could no longer be trusted after he went all "Sarah Palin" on the Five Guy Alliance at Tribal Council last week.

"I can read people pretty well, but I can't quite get a read on Caleb, 'this quiet woodsman from Alabama.'" Because his being gay doesn't factor into his mystery at all. 

Meanwhile, Caleb took a cue from his boyfriend Colton and started to get drunk with power over prospect of swinging both ways, which never really works out well in the end when it comes to Survivor or one's sexual orientation.

"I'm in a position to where I could swing with the girls, or I could swing with the guys. Do I feel powerful now? I think the word I've heard is 'Big Kahunas.'"

The Immunity Challenge was a series of one-on-one challenges where the competitors for each tribe had to slide down water slide, grab a ring, and toss it onto a pegged post, with the first tribe to win five battles winning Immunity, as well as steaks for dinner.

Vytas beat Aras in a battle of brothers, Caleb beat Tyson in a battle of gay men, and Hayden beat Gervase to give Tadhana's their first win of the season, sending Galang to Tribal Council.

Back at Galang's camp, Tyson gave thanks for what he was given in the game. "Let us praise God for the delicious fruits he puts on this planet for us to savor." Then after he got done talking about Aras, Tyson and the rest of the tribe drank some coconuts.

Realizing that she was on of the social totem pole in her tribe, Female Rupert tried to stir the pot by telling Kat that the other Galang women were all talking about her performance at the challenge.

And while Female Rupert seemed like the easy vote for Galang, Aras said, "Easy votes are often the dumbest votes in this game."

Of course, when Tyson was asked who he wanted to vote out, the self proclaimed best player in the game didn't hesitate to say, "Laura B" before enjoying a delicious buggar for dinner.

In the end, Laura M's back rubs not only probably got her divorced, but they were all for naught, as Aras got his way and she was voted to Redemption Island under the guise that she could potentially get rid of Brad in a puzzle challenge. 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "Today we lost to a one-armed dude and three moms"

After getting voted out of his tribe last week, John joined his wife Candice at Redemption Island, who seemed disappointed that he put so much trust in a Plaintiff's attorney like Brad.

Trying to look on the bright side Brad said, "But it's good, now we're out here," before Candice and Marissa both interrupted him by yelling, "It's not good!"

Upon arriving at the Redemption Challenge, Candice said she was hoping the person joining her on Redemption Island would have been "Somebody I can hate, like Brad Culpepper," as she stared him down before telling him to "look away."

When Candice lectured Brad for being chauvinistic and shushing women, he tried to defend himself by saying, "Ask you husband if I've hushed anybody, have you heard me hush anybody?"

That caused Candice to snap, "No, he didn't hush a man, who's bigger than him and can kick his ass."

When John warned the rest of the tribe to consider voting Brad out since he was behind everyone who had been voted out so far, Brad didn't exactly help his case saying, "You made a wrong decision in trusting me."

Candice, Marissa and John squared off in a Challenge that consisted of navigating a rope maze and unlocking and solving a block puzzle.

John won the Challenge, and upon the instruction of his wife Candice, who finished second, gave the clue to Hidden Immunity Idol to Monica just to put a target on her just to spite Brad.

When Jeff Probst asked, "Does she tell you what to do all the time?" John replied, "She does, but I don't always listen."

Sure enough, when Jeff asked him what he was going to do, John followed rank and said, "I'm going to give the clue to Monica."

However, Monica took the clue and threw it in the fire without looking at it pursuant to the instructions of her husband.

When Jeff commented, "That's the first time that ever happened," Candice snarked, "Doin' what she's told," even though she had just told her husband what to do.

That caused Brad and Candice to argue for the next half hour over who had the bigger dick.

At Galang, Tyson not only continued to milk his fake shoulder injury to avoid working at camp, but he and Gervase snuck off into the woods where they secretly drank the delicious nectar of the forbidden coconut.

The Immunity Challenge required the tribes to row a boat and dive in the water to unlock crates, build a staircase, and then solve a puzzle.

Tyson, deciding to compete even with his arm in a makeshift sling, continued to completely overvalue his athletic ability. "The thing is, I'm better than most everybody on my tribe with one arm."

However, it was Monica and Laura who stole the show for Galang when it came to challenge with their diving, while Tadhana suffered a setback and lost their lead when they flipped their boat.

In the end, Ciera lost to her mother yet again when it came to the puzzle, giving Galang immunity yet again, along with coffee and pastries.

Hayden, Tahana's best athlete even with an ex-NFL player on the tribe, seemed to be dumbfounded by his tribes lack of success at the Immunity Challenge.

"Today we lost to a one-armed dude and three moms, that's brutal...Brutal!"

After returning from the challenge, Ciera noted her tribe's typical routine.

"After a loss it's always a routine. The guys will go get water, which is code for go strategize against the girls, and the girls will go make rice, which is code for how do we save our asses?"

However, Brad made a surprise move and told the girls that he was going to vote Caleb out before he went off with the rest of the guys.

Sure enough though, Brad's shadiness raised the suspicion of the other guys, who had already decided to target Ciera.

Brad Culpepper got this tattoo to remind him of what he thinks about his wife. However, CBS made Brad add the letters C-O-M and P before he came on the show since Survivor is a family show.

And while Brad also seemed to eventually agree on voting out Ciera, by the time Tadhana reached Tribal Council, Caleb had already decided to go in a different direction himself.

Caleb then shocked everyone when he flat out called his shot on how he was going to vote.

"The way I'm feeling right now, I don't want you to go home (as he put his hand on Ciera's knee), I'm going to write Brad's name down. You all can do what you want to, but that's three up front, and the guys back there, you all can decide what y'all want to do."

While Brad, trying to do damage control announced, "I'm not writing your name down Caleb," Caleb simply responded by saying, "That's fine"

When a shocked Vytas asked if he was really writing Brad's name down, Caleb just said, "mmm hmm"

And after an initial vote that ended up tied 3-3 between Ciera and Brad, it was actually Vytas who changed his vote and sent Brad off to Redemption Island to rudely interrupt John and Candice's second honeymoon.

Realizing the irony, Brad departed by "That's gonna be fun,"  after he repeatedly told Caleb, "I'm not mad atcha," which is exactly what an alpha redneck says when he's not so secretly plotting against someone that he's really pissed off at.

Brad arrived at Redemption Island in the dark by saying, "John and Candice, before you guys hit me, I waive the white flag." 

Candice didn't even seem to mind being woken up by Brad, saying, "I'm sound asleep, and I hear the sweetest voice that I ever wanted to hear on Redemption Island, Brad Culpepper."

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "He's the college athlete, I'm the junkie"

This week's episode began with the contestants heading to watch the Redemption Challenge between Candice, Marissa and Rachel.

While Tyson had the option of switching places with Rachel, his "loved one," she told him to stay on his tribe where he had a better chance of winning for the two of them.

It was only after he realized that he was effectively safe that Tyson decided to break out his "Survivor muscles" and trying to make himself look tough in front of the cameras.

"You guys watch out, because if any of you see me at Redemption Island, none of you have a chance in Hell. Mr. Football over there smiling at me like he does, you can be big, but that's the worst thing in this game."

Of course, that was the same Tyson Apostol who blatantly wore a "cupcake belt" and begged his man crush Aras, "If somebody wants to take a bite, be my guest. Who wants to take a lick?"

When Brad tried to justify who he had voted out, Marissa accused him of voting out stronger players, which of course, is why Tadhana kept losing in what was turning out to be a vicious cycle of steroids, paranoia and stupidity emanating from Brad's concussed brain.

Keep in mind that Brad Culpepper, who's obviously still very toned now, played DEFENSIVE TACKLE in the NFL...That's right, his playing weight was nearly 300 pounds. Since he last played in the NFL he has magically lost about 100 pounds.

And when Brad tried to talk down to Marissa by saying, "We're playing Survivor babe, maybe there was more to it than that," Marissa snapped, "FUCK YOU BRAD CULPEPPER!"

Fortunately uncle Gervase was there to diffuse the situation, as he advised Marissa to "tone it down" just in time, showing yet again why he's the greatest player in Survivor history.  

Apparently upset that he wasn't the cause of all the drama that was ensuing, Colton spontaneously began crying, "I don't want to be hear anymore, at all, and I'm sorry...I can't do this."

...And after the opening credits rolled (yes, we still had roughly 55 minutes of the episode remaining), we rejoined Colton's temper tantrum still in progress.

When asked why he was acting like a little bitch, Colton responded by saying, "I don't care about this tribe," and implied that quitting the game might be the best way to punish them for not buying in on his attempts to create unnecessary drama.

That caused Jeff Probst to get upset and scold Colton, calling his decision, "A very selfish move."

And that's when Jeff dropped the bomb, revealing how Colton was quitting Survivor for what would be a second time.

"The first time you feigned appendicitis, it turns out you didn't have it. You want to own that one now? Is that how it goes Colton? If things don't go your way, 'Let's just stop?'"

"Lots of people like to watch adventure, it doesn't necessarily mean they really should get up off the couch, and I'm now convinced that Colton is the guy who never should have got up off the couch. We brought a quitter back, and we got quit again."

Jeff Probst's lecture caused Colton to cry, "I don't care what y'all say," as ran over to Caleb, jumped into his lap and began crying.

And yes, that really happened. I'm guessing that wherever in rural Alabama Caleb Bankston is from, they didn't have a very good selection of gay guys to choose from...As a result, he ended up with Colton Cumbie.

As Colton left, Jeff told him to keep his buff as a souvenir, as he hadn't earned the right to throw it in the fire as he left like the other contestants. 

"Well Colton, you came back for a second time because you said you wanted to show how much you've grown, but your behavior now shows you haven't, and the irony is, the opportunity for the growth you seek is right in front of you, it's called Survivor."

Finally, we moved on to the Challenge, which required the three contestants to set up dominoes over a course in order to knock ball over and break plate.

Candice finished first, and gave John his second clue for a Hidden Immunity Idol, telling him, "I hope you know what to do with it."

Marissa came in second, which sent Tyson's "girlfriend" Rachel home for good.

When asked how he was feeling back at camp after losing his loved one, Tyson responded rather indifferently.

"Okay I guess, I'm fine...When she lost and I got to hug her and ask her if she had fun, and she said she did, and for me that was enough."

Oops, that's Tyson Apostol his real "loved one," Aras.

Brad responded to Marissa's claim he was "ruling the roost" for Tadhana by saying, "I am, but I'm making everyone else feel that decisions are being made as a group, not by me."

Most of the other guys on Tadhana weren't fooled at all by Brad, as they bonded over how happy they were to have him on their tribe because he was making himself such an obvious target.

However, John was buying what Brad was selling, and decided to share his clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol with him, which in Brad Culpepper's world of crappy Logical Reasoning LSAT scores caused him to distrust John.

I'm guessing that Brad's trophy wife, Monica Culpepper, is like 50, while her fake boobs are nearing 30...Both are past their expiration dates.

The Immunity Challenge was a sumo wrestling type competition to physically knock your opponent off of a floating platform.

Kat and Ciera began by blowing each other kisses.

Sadly, Kat's blown kiss turned out to be enough force to cause Ciera to get pregnant and plunge into the water.

In other matches, Hayden absolutely destroyed Tyson, who claimed to hurt his shoulder. "It's my shoulder, it popped out."

Fortunately, Jeff and his crack medical staff produced some sort of Shaman, who after a 30-second examination seconded Tyson's self diagnosis by saying, "His shoulder popped out a little bit."

After talking up the possibility of a match against his more successful younger brother, Vytas lost to Aras even after taking a cheap shot after Aras let him regain his footing and re-start.

Or as Vytas aptly said, "He's the college athlete, I'm the junkie."

And in the "you'll never live this down" matches, Ciera and Katie both lost to their elderly mothers, Tina and Laura, allowing the Veterans to win Immunity yet again.

Galang's win caused John to express some frustration towards Katie and Ciera. "They're a team of mothers and grandmothers, it's very frustrating...We can't have people giggling and laughing when we're losing."

Not to say that Katie Collins' life is all about unicorns and Spice Girls since her mom won Survivor....She's obviously added cheeseburgers to the mix.

Realizing that Candice had a firmer grip on John's nuts than he did, Brad lead a campaign to vote him John out.

"I'm running our tribe right now, but John's wife...if she gets back in the game...Brad doesn't control John anymore, Candice controls John, and I'm just kicked to the curb and I'm second fiddle."

However, Brad didn't want to write John's name down himself, and wanted the rest of the Five Guy alliance to do the dirty work of taking John out for him.

And while that caused Hayden to consider targeting Brad, John was still blindsided at Tribal Council.