Thursday, May 23, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "Where was I? Oh yeah. We're not going home."

The episode began with Dawn sobbing and missing several teeth after Brandon Hantz realized that she was a woman and returned to the show to complete his circle of domestic violence and punched her in the face.

In actuality, Dawn simply opened her horse fish mouth and lost her dentures while diving in the ocean.

Dawn Meehan and her dentures.

Fortunately, Dawn's fake teeth had been bleached so white that Brenda was able to quickly locate them by diving into the water near where she said she had lost them, which is amazing considering that my ex-wife lost a pair of Oakleys at a small lake in shallow water.

In response to Brenda's pearl finding dive Dawn declared, "I will not turn my back on her." Of course, running short on denture cream may or may not be the best reason to form an alliance.

Then again, Dawn is the same person who sold out Cochran and Malcolm when they tried to make game changing moves just so she could solidify her position as the last person in an alliance of many.

Polygamygrip: For Mormons with dentures, like Dawn Meehan.

The Reward Challenge involved two randomly drawn teams digging for bags full of puzzle pieces in a mud pit, and then shooting balls into a basket the fastest.

The team consisting of the guys, Cochran and Dawn ended up winning and a reward consisting of a feast of BBQ chicken and beef...And when I say BBQ, I mean the verb, not the noun.

That caused the calorically challenged Cochran to quip, "Apparently protein is important in one's diet."

Always one to be socially unaware, Phillip ignored the shower they were provided and immediately jumped in the pool naked, which caused a "Pigpen" like cloud to surround him in the water.

Even after winning a feast, Dawn continued to lose her shit, making Phillip and his alliance consider voting her back to Utah.

Or as Cochran said, "We had one who flew over the coo coos's nest this season, Brandon Hantz, he's gone...It seems like, you know, there's another hummingbird zipping over the coo coos nest, and her name's Dawn."

Fortunately for Dawn, she got a good night's sleep and pulled her act together just in time, and the "Stealth r' Us" alliance decided to split their votes between Malcolm and Reynold to play it safe in case either one of them had an Immunity Idol.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of racing across a platform, and then diving and swimming back under that platform to retrieve two rings the fastest.

Feeling safe, Phillip elected to sit the Immunity Challenge out. When questioned by Jeff Probst Phillip tried to make it seem as if he wasn't just being cocky.

"As a boy I had an incident in the water, and I just feel really uncomfortable with this challenge," which was just his way of saying that he was black.

While Eddie seemed to win his heat, he whiffed when it came to putting his ring on the post before prematurely ejaculating into the water, which gave Brenda a spot in the finals along with Malcolm, Reynold and Andrea.

After Reynold won he declared, "I have mad respect for all of you."

However, he went on to call Phillip out for his decision to abstain from the Immunity Challenge.

"I have no respect for Phillip. I think it's sacrilegious to not even participate in an Immunity Challenge, especially if you have lions and guerrillas tattooed all over your body."

Of course, Phillip didn't think it mattered since his alliance had a 7-3 advantage on paper and Malcolm didn't have an Immunity Idol.

In reality, not only did Malcolm have an Immunity Idol, but he also found the newest one put back into play after he conned Reynold into giving him his at last week's Tribal Council.

Erik shows his affection by grooming his prospective mate...The Hantz clan shows their affection through domestic violence and flinging their feces into the bean pot.

Phillip, Dawn and company arrived at Tribal Council confident that they were in control of the game, not realizing that Malcolm, Reynold and Eddie held not one, not two, but three Idols amongst themselves.

And that's when Malcolm decided to shit in Phillip's Easter basket...

"This is supposed to be a game, so we figured we'd do something about it, and tonight we're going to try to. So this is the other Immunity Idol I've been hanging onto, I'm going to give it to Eddie. I've had that one for a while, I just found the other one today."

Having been fucked over last week due to a play of the Idol, Michael's face at Tribal Council was absolutely priceless when Malcolm unveiled his plan.

With the realization that Reynold, Malcolm and Eddie each would have Immunity Idols to play and no time to discuss which of their own to vote out, Jeff Probst commented on how everyone looked like they were beginning to turn on each other.

That caused Eddie to quip, "Except for the 3 amigos," while Malcolm to cockily interjected, "Where was I? Oh yeah. We're not going home."

Malcolm went on to lobby against Phillip when it came to the "Stealth r' Us" vote.

"Phillip is the fun sponge, he sucks it all out of the group...This is all a game. It does not have to be this militaristic thing where we're all in basic training."

Even with his own alliance in jeopardy, afficianado de SURVIVOR Cochran seemed absolutely giddy about what was happening at Tribal Council.

"Whatever happens tonight, this is why I freakin' love SURVIVOR, and have for ten years."

Holding true to their threats, Eddie and Malcolm both played their Immunity Idols, leaving no room for "Stealth r' Us" to even call their bluff.

And when the votes against Malcolm and Eddie's votes were negated due to the Idols that they played, even Phillip's own alliance seemed amused.

That left Phillip blindsided in his attempt to play the role of "Boston Rob," or as his name was sarcastically written on one of the ballots, "Fillup!"

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - ""I rarely leave my apartment. I rarely leave Twitter...This is the same guy that was afraid to take off his shirt the last time he played SURVIVOR""

After Corinne's surprising elimination, Phillip tried recruiting Sherri from the Fans by hitting on her and telling her that he thought she was hot.

And after assuring that she'd want absolutely nothing to do with him, he invited her into his "Spies r' Us" alliance and gave her the secret agent name Tenacity."

Wanting to keep their relationship purely physical, Sherri merely feigned interest in Phillip's offer.

"There's fake organizations, there's secret alliances, they're all crazy out here...I'm wholeheartedly in with the Fans"

At the Reward Challenge the contestants divided into two teams and play a game of water polo penalty shots, only with the shooter jumping off a dock and the goalie confined to a small platform on the water between the shooter and the goal.

As it turned out the game was probably more akin to soccer penalty kicks than water polo, as even the unathletic Cochran managed to score convincingly before a mosquito landed on his leg and he fell to the ground in agony.

The reward was a picnic lunch at the bottom of a waterfall that the winning team had to repel to get to, which Cochran did not initially seem too excited about winning.

"I rarely leave my apartment. I rarely leave Twitter...This is the same guy that was afraid to take off his shirt the last time he played SURVIVOR"

Cochran was also less than impressed with Reynold and Eddie's offer to form an all-male alliance.

"Reynold, Eddie and Michael must not know me too well if they are emphasizing the testosterone unity between us. 'We're men. We're men and we hate women, and we're gonna, you know, slap each other with towels in the locker room and chug beer.'  I don't want to be engaging in any kind of masculine tomfoolery with these numbskulls."

Malcolm seemed happy to lose the Reward Challenge, as he had free reign access to Dawn, the swing vote he needed to pull away from Phillip's alliance, since none of the other males could hit on her since they were all off on their reward picnic.

However, Dawn immediately ratted Malcolm out when he asked her to flip, firmly cementing her spot at the bottom of the Favorites Alliance.

...Sadly, that move still secured Dawn Meehan's ranking as the best Mormon to ever play the game of SURVIVOR.

Andrea and Eddie snuck off to a local lagoon to have sex, which caused Andrea to think they were dating...Just like every other skank he's taken home from "Karma" when he goes club hopping at the Jersey Shore.

The Immunity Challenge was an endurance competition where the contestants tried to remain in the water the longest with their faces pressed against a metal grate as the tide got higher and higher, like dying goldfish, only without the ceremony when they get flushed out to sea.

Ironically, former government spy Phillip could not survive the water boarding like torture, and was the first person to bow out.

Ultimately it was bikini model and former Miami Dolphin cheerleader Brenda Lowe who wound up winning Immunity.

Dawn asked Malcolm to have Reynold show her his Idol in order to go along with his plan to turn against the Favorites, all the while intending to screw them over.

Meanwhile, Reynold showed Dawn the Idol, but said "Don't screw me," warning that he'd play the Idol for himself in the event that he thought she was going to.

And even though that's exactly what Dawn intended to do, she still tried to play herself off as the victim.

"I can't stand people that intimidate other people...He looked over and said, 'If you burn me, you'll have Hell to pay,' and I feel like, shame on you."

And while Reynold is a giant douche, he made no mention whatsoever of Heaven or Hell, proving that Mormon's have to turn every conversation into a conversation about God, mountain bikes and handcrafted woodwork.

Andrea refused to fill her new boyfriend Eddie in on the Favorite Tribe's plans, at least until he told her that she might be the one targeted should they split their vote to flush out Reynold's Idol.

That sent Andrea into full scale panic mode, begging her alliance to change their vote to a safer and gayer target, Michael.

At Tribal Council, Phillip revealed that Sherri was his newest double agent in "Stealth r' Us," making her more "agent" and less "double."

Shit got real when Reynold got up to play his Immunity Idol.

That's when Malcolm told him, "Hold up a minute. They all voted for me...That's what (Phillip's) whole story was about. Give it to me, you're in good shape. I'm being dead serious right now."

Surprisingly, Reynold simply replied "Yeah," and then handed his Idol over to Malcolm, who unbeknownst to Reynold already had one of his own that he was able to save.

That immediately sent Reynold into Eric's level of stupidity in the SURVIVOR history, especially since Michael was the one the Favorites' voted out, all but wasting Reynold's Immunity Idol. 

...At least Corinne Kaplan finally got "a gay" to play with at the Jury House, whether Michael wished to be a participant in her hag fetish or not.