Thursday, February 28, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "I can make Russell look like a little pussy"

Russell's Nephew came back from the first Tribal Council furious over the fact that the Veterans had voted out Francesca first for the second time in her two seasons...Even though the other obvious option would have been to vote for him.

For some reason Russell's Nephew went after Dawn with his redneck verbal and physical intimidation, forgetting for a moment that she wasn't even one of the good looking girls that he needed to send home for fear that he might have to "accidentally" rape her.

And when Russell's Nephew got in Dawn's face and yelled, "I'm a fucking honey badger dude," she immediately ran off into the woods and cried with Lisa Whelchel.

And when Brandon Hantz calls himself a "fucking honey badger," he really means "poo bear."

Not resting on intimidating a middle aged Mormon lady who had never been away from her husband and four co-wives, Russell's Nephew decided that he was finally going to make his family proud.

"I'm thinking of going Russell Hantz style on these bitches right now. I feel like Rambo. I honestly feel his blood flowing through my body right now. It's like a wave, and it's coming back. It feels great."

He went on to tell Erik, "It would be really fun to screw things up, just make camp life miserable. I can make Russell look like a little pussy...I'm playing DIR-TEE to the core, I wanna go out with a bang."

And as much as Russell's Nephew wanted to finally make uncle Russell proud of him, he wimped out by the next morning.

As in yet another one of his dramatic mood swings, undoubtedly caused by having to detox from drugs much like Charlie Sheen, Brandon announced that he wanted to play clean and restore his family's name.

In fact, Brandon's whole rant sounded an awful like Sheen, who infamously said, "They picked a fight with a warlock," and "I got tiger blood, man...Adonis DNA."

If Brandon Hantz really wants to be like Charlie Sheen, he either needs to get better writers or less haggard looking "Goddesses."
Picking up on Brandon's tendencies, Phillip called Russell's Nephew "crazy," while Cochran labeled him as a "sociopathic murderer."

Meanwhile, Phillip began referring to himself as the tribe's CEO in his delusional vision of a corporate world in which casual Friday means wearing white tighty-whities instead of the colored ones that he normally wears.

Obviously questioning his own sexuality after seeing Phillip's bulge, Russell's Nephew began to target him, calling Phillip "Special Agent Pink Panther."

Ironically, Brandon Hantz called Phillip the "biggest bully out here," not realizing that he was wearing Phillip's underwear on his head. 

For the Fans, Sherri noted the "Lovers" Alliance" that had developed between Eddie, Hope, Reynold and Allie, but not necessarily in that order when it came to their couple combinations.

That lead Sherri to organize the other six members in the Fans Tribe that the "Cool Kids" had dogged in order to break up their alliance.

The prospect of joining an alliance with numbers thrilled Shamar, who had been spending 19 hours a day sleeping.

Shamar Thomas put his "Occupy Wallstreet" training to good use by sleeping most of the day under the guise that being lazy, loud and angry would make him less of a threat to the rest of the tribe.

The Immunity Challenge involved a tribe members pulling their teammates on a raft to a platform, where they would dive to release rings that would be tossed onto poles back on shore, with the winners also receiving a fishing kit.

While Shamar bitched and whined about being relegated to being a puller, his fatness became his best asset, as he was the only player for the Fans who even came remotely close to giving their tribe a chance to win.

And upon arriving back at camp, Reynold let Shamar have it. "I'm going to call you out right now. Your behavior, where I come from is unacceptable."

Of course, Reynold Toepfer comes from the "Land of 10,000 Mullets," so we should probably take that into consideration.

As usual, Shamar handled his confrontations with the utmost class shouting, "SHUT UP! STOP TALKING TO ME! SHUT UP!"

Sensing that he might be in trouble, Reynold went out in the jungle looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol, which he promptly found in like five minutes. That gave him plenty of time to look at his reflection in a puddle that he found.

Wanting to play his good fortune low key, Reynold declared that he wasn't going to "walk back into camp with some stupid grin on my face and a giant bulge in my pocket."

Sure enough, Laura instantly outed Reynold. "I see a bulge in Reynold's pocket, and we all know that the only thing that you would put in your pocket before Tribal Council is the hidden Immunity Idol."

No need for Reynold Toepfer to flatter himself about that bulge...It looks like he stuffs his pants.
However, Laura did not have a chance to tell her alliance before she left, so she had to out Reynold at Tribal Council by saying, "I saw a bulge from one pocket."

And while she refused to say who, she looked directly at Reynold, who outed himself. "Apparently my pants are too tight."

And while Reynold indicated that he intended to play his Idol, he decided that he wasn't quite ready to give his bulge up.

That sent fellow "Cool Kid" Allie home, a little bit more humbled than she was when she arrived.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Oscar Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Movies

Before I get started on my fifth annual attempt at predicting the Oscar winners, let's start with some background information. As I state each year, I don't watch or rent movies anymore.

I pretty much stopped watching movies and DVD's when Hollywood studios began trying to out “special effect” each other in order to overcompensate for bad writing and a lack of original ideas, a/k/a "the George Lucas syndrome."

My formula for predicting the Academy Award winners despite not ever watching movies is simple. I use a combination of word of mouth, watching movie trailers, reading movie posters, and my own personal analysis of how Hollywood works.

Ironically, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has been proven remarkable inept at casting somebody with the stage presence and comedic wit to host their own major awards show.

...Save for the 12-13 times that the Academy has gone to the well for Billy Crystal.

That has lead to sagging ratings, as well as last year's disastrous paring of red carpet darling Anne Hathaway and the talentless James Franco in attempt to draw a younger audience.

Cue this year's host, Seth McFarland, who's a natural choice given his pension for writing and singing Broadway-esque scores on his show The Family Guy, an ability to see humor in pop culture, and a quick wit that he's demonstrated during various celebrity roasts.

Then again, McFarland has admitted that he plans to start drinking whiskey before the show, and with his propensity to push the envelope of good taste, the politically liberal but socially conservative Academy should be crapping in their Depends.

Throw in a rare live performance by Barbara Streisand, who's known to have stage fright, and we could have the recipe for a disaster of epic proportions.

Nonetheless, the Academy will still be getting the ratings spike that they've been craving, whether it be for better or worse.

So without further ado, let's pray to God that the Academy's decision to reach out to the masses doesn't include Steven Spielberg, and rank the nominees for Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Picture:

Best Actor:

5. Joaquin Phoenix - The Master: In The Master Juaquin Phoenix played a character who indulged his every appetite, whether it involved drink, sex or violence. That is, until he stumbled upon June Carter...I mean a shady cult leader. Fortunately, he beat the shit out of Carter before she could go on to brainwash most of Hollywood in this thriller based upon the origins of the Church of Scientology in a parallel universe.

4. Denzel Washington - Flight: Denzel Washington plays a professional who emerges as a reluctant hero, but has substance abuse issues that come back haunt him. Sorry...But I've been there and done that. If Mathew Fox didn't win a Emmy for playing Jack Shephard in Lost, Denzel Washington certainly isn't winning an Oscar for his role in Flight.

3. Hugh Jackman - Les Miserables: Don't get me wrong, Hugh Jackman has a beautiful voice and great stage presence, but he'll take home a Tony long before he takes home an Oscar.

And based on this photo, Hugh Jackman will take home his Les Miserables co-star Amanda Seyfried long before he takes home his wife, Deborra-Lee Furness.

2. Bradley Cooper - Silver Linings Playbook: Bradley Cooper may have screwed himself forever in the eyes of the Academy in 2010 when he guest hosted an episode of WWE's Raw. However, as People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive," the Academy will gladly use him to hype up their red carpet ratings.

And with chiseled abs and an edgy tattoo, Bradley Cooper is Academy's new George Clooney.

1. Daniel Day Lewis - Lincoln: Daniel Day Lewis is in a position to potentially win a record breaking third Oscar for Best Actor, which would distinguish him from the likes of Spencer Tracy, Gary Cooper, Marlon Brando and Tom Hanks.

And if your guess was Tom Hanks, you win!

Best Actress:

5. Emmanuelle Riva - Amour: The oldest nominee for Best Actress in Oscar history at 85, Riva plays an octogenarian with rapidly declining health who is determined to stay out of a nursing home. And while she is said to play that role remarkably well, an 85-year-old lady playing the role of somebody who craps herself is about as impressive as Tom Cruise playing a cocky rule breaker who overcomes his personal deamons to save the day.

4. Naomi Watts - The Impossible: In The Impossible, Naomi Watts' plays the haunting role of real life super model Petra Nemcova, who lost her boyfriend in the devastating tsunami that hit Thailand in 2004. Not only did Nemcova miraculously survive that tragedy, but she coined the term "Tsunami chic" when she was found clinging to a tree to stay above the tidal wave with one hand, while smoking a cigarette and drinking a Diet Pepsi with the other when rescuers finally found her.

3. Quvenzhane Wallis - Beasts of the Southern Wild: Not only is Quvenzhane Wallis the youngest Best Actress nominee ever at the age of 9. In fact, this year there is a 76 year age difference between the oldest (Emmanuella Reva) and the youngest nominees. The only problem fro Wallis is that Beasts of the Southern Wild was filmed with non professional, i.e., non union actors, meaning that as a "scab" she doesn't have a chance in Hell of winning accolades from the liberal Academy...Even though she was only 6 when Beasts of the Southern Wild was filmed.

2. Jennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook: Jennifer Lawrence portrays a young widow with an affinity for dancing. It's kind an on-screen adaption of Casey Anthony's post parental life...Wait a second, that's not "widow" means, is it?

1.  Jessica Chastain - Zero Dark Thirty: Jessica Chastain plays a female CIA agent who overcomes internal sexism and uses her interrogation skills to track down one of history's most notorious killers in the latest installment of Silence of the Lambs, much to Jodie Foster's chagrin.

Best Picture:

9. Django Unchained: Let's look at Quentin Tarantino's Oscar chances for Best Picture in the form of an analogy. "Woody Allen is to the Oscars as to Quentin Tarantino is to ______."

And when I tell you that the blank is "Golden Globes," you quickly realize why Tarantino's Django Unchained is ranked #9 out of nine films in the running for Best Picture at this year's Oscars.

As a side note, after his outburst backstage at this year's Golden Globes, Tarantino has now gotten away with saying the "N-word" more times without getting his ass kicked other than any other white guy in  the history of Hollywood who's not named Mel Gibson.

8. Les Miserables: A big screen adaptation of a classic literary and musical work. And while casual fans of the big screen seem to love Anne Hathaway and her outgoing lady parts, true fans of both the literary and musical versions seem to consider this variation a steaming pile of shit.

7. Amour: A foreign drama about love and aging as an elderly couple deals with the wife's failing health. The movie was considered a surprise success, mainly because the two lead characters, both well into their 80's, made it through filming without dying...Take that Larry Hagman!

6. The Life of Pi: It's like the producers of this film decided to remake the film Cast Away about being stranded on a beach with no modern amenities, only with Asian people. Unfortunately, Ang Lee didn't realize that a TV show called SURVIVOR has been telling the same story about Asian people nearly every week for the past 12 years.

5. Beasts of the Southern Wild: An art house film about a little girl living in a waterlogged post apocalyptic landscape following a catastrophic hurricane in Louisiana.

Rumor has it that Kevin Costner was in line to reprise his role in this Waterworld sequel until the film went in more of an art house direction with a cast of non-professional actors.

And while it appears as if super villain George W. Bush dies at the end of the movie, just enough doubt was left that he could return in  third and final film in what is sure to be a trilogy of Waterworld masterpieces.

4. Zero Dark Thirty:  Kudos to Kathryn Bigelow for beating Morgan Spurlock of Super Size Me fame to the punch in finding Osama bin Laden. In fact, she desperately needed the $25 million reward for finding him after The Hurt Locker flopped so bad at the box office.

3. Silver Linings Playbook: This film as a lead actor in Bradley Cooper who's bipolar, a lead actress in Jennifer Lawrence who's a depressed sex addict, and a supporting actor in Robert De Niro who's OCD. And while any of those roles would typically favored to win an Oscar in their respective category, this film is like the Kim Kardashian of films when it comes to trying too hard...Or at least any film that doesn't involve getting peed on by Ray J)

2. Lincoln: I know that Hollywood likes to look the other way when Directors take creative liberties with movies loosely based in historical fact, but I think Steven Spielberg went a little too far when he made Abraham Lincoln a vampire hunter.

1. Argo: Argo is an exciting Hollywood adaptation about a historical event that was relatively boring in real life. In short, any time where you can take a relatively boring historical event involving white people and take liberty with the facts to make the finish exciting, Hollywood loves it!..Kind of like the movie Hoosiers.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

NASCAR Predictions From A Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin' - Because race related deaths, potholes and a truck burning on the side of the road are just a typical day in Detroit.

The 2013 NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, beginning with the sports biggest race of the year! And after the Nationwide Series 300 Mile Race at Daytona Speedway comes the Daytona 500.

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunting case of Busch beer that has those orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the 2013 Sprint Cup results.

I'm not kidding about this, as a cross promotion Busch actually produced gun cases with a matching pattern...Because nothing goes better with guns than rednecks.

The racing season has gotten off to some rocky starts over the years, with delays due to race related deaths, potholes, and even burning vehicles on the side of the road.

Ironically, Brad Keslowski had to navigate those pitfalls on an everyday basis while growing up in Detroit, making him the early favorite to win the 2013 Daytona 500...Maybe then he'll finally get his fucking teeth fixed.

You see, the NASCAR brain trust apparently didn't realize that it might be problematic to use jet fuel to dry excess moisture from a track that's lined by 70,000 chain smokers and privy to more sparks from metal on metal body contact than a hotel room shared by Rob Halford of Judas Priest and Fred Durst.

And when a slightly intoxicated driver slams into a truck spraying jet fuel on the track (while the race was still going on I might add)...Boom goes the dynamite. Fortunately NASCAR tracks all have those sturdy chain link fences to protect their fans from dangers like fire and flying engine parts.

Fortunately, NASCAR has remedied that problem this season by rigging a pickup truck (naturally) with blowers extending from the same area of the trailerhitch that the fake nut sack is supposed to dangle from.

People with "The NASCAR Gene" are no strangers to jury rigging things...After all, they are the same people that showed the world that a "mower cycle" is actually a piece of lawn care equipment, and not just something that is said by an Outlaw  biker with a speech impediment.

The big change for the upcoming NASCAR season is the switch to their new "Generation Six" cars.

Not only are those cars designed to look more like their street counterparts, but their bumpers no longer automatically line up, making it more difficult for Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. to "bump draft" Danica Patrick's tailpipe...Well, at least not while the race is going on.

With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look.

(Who the Top 10 finishers in the 2012 Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. and 9. Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. - Patrick and Stenhouse tried to hide their budding relationship while Patrick was still married, but who were they kidding?

I mean, Stenhouse's racing team credits her with convincing him to cut his mullet a couple of years ago, which in some parts of Kentucky and West Virginia makes them legally married.

Fortunately, Patrick and Stenhouse's romantic relationship is a marketer's dream. In fact, I see the potential for the first ever car sponsored by a sex related product like KY Jelly or Trojan condoms...That is, assuming that ex-racer Dick Trickle didn't cash in on his legendary name during his career.

Actually, this doesn't even surprise me in the least...Cigarettes and "Dick Trickle" have always gone hand in hand.

8. Arie Luyendyk, Jr. - If Danica Patrick can make the switch from IndyCar to NASCAR, then surely the runner up on The Bachelor can do it too, right?

I'm pulling for this to happen if for no other reason than to see Arie and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. live off of their father's legacies and argue over who gets first crack at Emily Maynard (the former Bachelorette star and ongoing NASCAR groupie) in their trailer after the race.

7. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - Speaking of "Junior," last year he was having his best season in ages before getting shut down during "The Chase for the Sprint Cup" due to a concussion.

My question is, how do you determine someone's concussion baseline for the purposes of testing when that person is mentally retarded like Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to begin with?

Unfortunately for "Little E," NASCAR's scoring system has been revised to reward drivers who actually win, which means that his season is pretty much over before it even begins...And there ain't enough restrictor plates in the world that can fix that.

To make matters worse, Earnhardt seems to be struggling with the new "Generation Six" cars, having caused a twelve car pileup in what was merely a testing run.

He went on to claim that left him even more embarrassed than the opening weekend of last year's Chase, when he blew a motor at the end of his qualifying lap by over-revving it while trying to knock the car out of gear.

Interestingly, that's the exact same thing that I saw some guy do to his Camaro when I was watching all the "Camaro Guys" and "Douchey McMustangs" cruise the local McDonald's parking lot back in high school.

This poor Dale Earnhardt, Jr. groupie spelled "butt" wrong...Bless her pretty little heart.
6. Kevin Harvick - After rumors of an impending divorce, DeLana Harvick was seen wearing a T-shirt proclaiming, "I wear the firesuit in this family!"

In fact, it would have been her exclusive right to wear one pursuant to a clause in their pre-nuptual agreement, which could have ended Kevin's racing career given NASCAR's strict safety requirements that they don't ever enforce (Dale Earnhardt, Sr., cough - cough).

DeLana Harvick was rumored to be having an affair with her personal trainer. Kevin Harvick was rumored to be having an affair with Tony Stewart.

However, the divorce fizzled when it was announced that DeLana got knocked up.

And before we could even get the results to the paternity test, things got weird last fall when Tony Stewart was captured goosing DeLana on camera.

And while they all laughed it off by saying that it was consensual and done in fun for luck, where I come from my co-workers don't grab my girlfriend's ass for good luck...They grab mine.

5. Jeff Gordon - The normally squeaky clean Gordon raised some eyebrows last year when he intentionally wrecked Clint Bowyer, which resulted in another one of NASCAR's legendary bitch fights.

To add more tension to the mix, the two reportedly had an awkward run-in on Puff Daddy's yacht at his New Year's Eve party.

Now I just need someone to fill in the gap and explain to me how Jeff Gordon and Clint Bowyer went from fighting at a NASCAR race to attending a New Year's Eve party thrown by Puff Daddy.

4. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because, "Those weights are heavy," which is probably why they're called "weights."

Boyer made news last year by asking a foreign reporter if they have rednecks in Europe after talking about how he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.

After getting Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, the reporter responded by saying that Germany had people like that up north, but they were considered less intelligent than the people in the rest of the country.

That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"

Speaking of which, sometimes I kind of wish that I was retarded...It's gotta kind of be like being drunk, but all the time.

Not wanting to be outdone by her male NASCAR rivals, Danica Patrick finds out what it feels like to be on the other end of a "mamo-graph."

3. Jimmie Johnson - Having layed off of liquor and fatty foods this offseason while preparing to run a half marathon during the week of the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the polar opposite of Clint Bowyer and Tony Stewart.  

I guess that explains why Jimmie Johnson is living the redneck dream of getting to meet former President George W. Bush and having an ex-model for a wife.

If you pee on the home pregnancy test stick and numbers appear,  it means you got knocked up by a NASCAR driver.

2. Tony Stewart - Why do I think that Tony Stewart has hidden cameras in his racing team's trailer hoping to secretly videotape Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. sneaking in a "quicky" so he can market it as a sex tape?

Starring Danica Patrick: "ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies."

1. Brad Keslowski - During his Sprint Cup Championship season in 2012 Keslowski: Tweeted while driving during a race, "Tebowed" after a victory while holding a can of beer to honor a bet that he had made after a night of drinking, and chugged beer out of "The Big Beer Glass" following his victory. 

Whether it's Tweeting while driving or slamming beers at the track, I don't think Brad Keslowski is going to be earning any safe driver discounts in time in the near future..

Does anybody else find this commerical for "The General" with a Confederate era rebel cartoon character to be inherently racist? 

Finally, let's hope that James Franco does a better job as the Grand Marshall of the Daytona 500 than he did hosting last year's Oscars...If not, there's always this guy!

This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or any evangelical church for that matter.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "We were all going to try and not be a cliche and have the cool kids hang out, but it happened"

This season began another installment of SURVIVOR: Fans vs. Favorites, which means that the Hantz family was able to avoid going on Welfare for a record breaking 4th consecutive year.

Who am I kidding, I'm pretty sure that the Russell Hantz clan continues to draw Welfare despite their reality TV money.

The "Fans" did not seem rattled at all to learn that they were competing against former players, with someone even yelling out "Nerd Alert!" as John Cochran climbed out of the "Favorites" boat.

Immediately after their introduction, the two tribes participated in a Reward Challenge for fire and beans in a full contact game of capture the flag, with a floating ring replacing the flag, while they wrestled in waist deep water.

Things got real fast when the ex-Marine and controversial "Occupy New York" activist Shamar Thomas yelled for Sherri to "Break her wrist!" as she competed against Brenda.

Shamar Thomas' comment caused a flabbergasted Jeff Probst to completely stop what he was doing and ask, What!?!"

However, the "Favorites" came back to win, highlighted by Brandon Hantz ass raping Jersey douche bag Eddie Fox, and Malcolm Freberg losing his pants in the process of scoring the final point the veterans needed for a win.

Malcolm Freberg, exposing his llilly white ass.

At the Gota Tribe camp, Matt advocated building a shelter first, while Shamar demanded that they try to start fire so they could boil their drinking water.

Things got tense for a moment, with Matt bitching at Shamar for pouting and sitting on his ass, and Shamar snapping back by yelling, "SHUT UP! STOP TALKING!"

Fortunately, Ebony and Ivory finally came together, with Matt putting together a shelter and Shamar getting off his ass to show his tribe how to start a fire by rubbing kindling together, thereby forming the Arian Nation-Nubian alliance.

Eddie and Reynold bonded over being the tribe's wanna be alpha male douche bags, calling themselves "The hunted species."

Reynold went on to bring Allie into their alliance and described her by saying, "She's not the cutest, she's not anything. She's just cool, and there, and likable."

And after Reynold told Allie that he would act low key with her around camp in order to hide their alliance, Laura busted them cuddling in bed on the very first night.

Eddie bonded with Hope, and she described their connection by saying, "That's because we're the only two people here to look at."

Coming from a guy who likes skinny women, Hope Driskill clearly doesn't realize how unattractively thin she is.

Eddie was equally self absorbed saying, "Me and Hope are the best two looking people here. I'm not just saying that, it's the truth."

That lead to Reynold, Allie, Hope and Eddie all sneaking off into the ocean, with Reynold arrogantly saying, "We were all going to try and not be a cliche and have the cool kids hang out, but it happened."

Hope added, "It's true though," while Eddie said, "It's like the cool kid table back in high school," claiming that he didn't expect anyone else to be pretty or cool enough to join their group.

Of course, they were too narcissistic to realize that Matt was actually cooler than either of the two guys, and Julie was better looking than both of the girls.

Pop Culture Video Break: Mindy McCready's life turned out to be a complete and total waste...Her dog didn't even get the chance to eat her corpse.

For the Veterans, Phillip channeled his inner secret agent by trying to put an alliance together, complete with code names like "The Dominatrix" (Corinne), "The Eliminator" (Andrea), and "The Under-cover Brother" (himself).

Personally, I would have gone with "Mr. Pink," but that's just me.

However, not everyone was on board with his offer of membership in the 007 Alliance, as Erik did not appreciate his "join or get voted out" sales pitch.

Meanwhile, red-headed Cochran managed to get come down with the worst sunburn since the last time I tried to stay out on a lake all afternoon on a 4th of July.

That weekend actually lead me to replace my standard "Burn, peel, repeat" routine with "Blister, puss, and cry."

And when the teams  got to the Immunity Challenge, Jeff Probst immediately commented, "That's the worst sunburn in the history of SURVIVOR! When did that happen?

And while Cochran playfully responded by saying, "Immediately," he also let on how bad he was hurting when the cameras ran in private.

"I'm actually in horrible pain right now. My new persona is to be strong with a little bit of swagger...I can't be that freak I was last time."

Cochran did seem to be getting along exceptionally well with his tribe, describing his social game as "The aloe to my sunburn."

The challenge itself required teams of two from each tribe to climb up ladders to different floors of a mock building, and then throw boxes with bean bags to the ground so a thrower could engage in a bean bag toss.

And while the Favorites broke out to an early lead, Reynold ended up tossing his bean bags much faster than Malcolm, which earned Immunity for the "Fans."

Upon arriving at Tribal Council, Russell's Nephew proclaimed that since they were veterans of the game, nobody was gong to get done the way they did the last time they played.

Brandon Hantz can rest assured. Unlike the last time he played SURVIVOR, he'll leave the game looking fatter, more redneck, and dumber this time around...If that was even possible.

That caused Jeff Probst to jump in and say, "Oh, somebody is!"

And when Francesca took exception to one of Jeff's questions by saying, "It's like you're saying I'm bad at SURVIVOR," Jeff quipped, "No, YOU said that."

That caused Brandon to marvel, "This guy's good!"

In the end, Francesca's worst fears came true, and she was voted out 6-4.

That gave her the dubious record of appearing on two different seasons of SURVIVOR, but only having appeared in two episodes over both of those seasons.

And that alone probably makes her the worst player to ever play the game.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

The Bachelor Blog - "She's an emotional mess, the last thing I want to do is add to it"

This week began with Sean ditching the "Batch-Copter" and bringing the girls to St. Croix via a sea plane.

After they arrived, Tierra refused to stay with the other girls, electing instead to pull a roll-away into some sort of hallway or closet.

"I'm not about to share someone with some girls I just don't care for. I'm not friends with girls who like my boyfriend,"

Of course, that was actually a strategic move on her part in order avoid syncing "mensies," thereby giving her a competitive advantage over the other girls with Sean when it came down to the "Fantasy Suite" dates.

It was refreshing to see girls like Lindsay and Lesley who are members of the "IBTC" make to the final 5 over some of the less "cosmetically challenged" girls. 

The first 1-on-1 date went to AshLee who said, "Every time I'm with Sean I get carried away. If it's not physical, it's emotionally carried away," with her emphasis on the word "emotionally."

AshLee did acknowledge that she has abandonment issues, which explained her fake boobs for the time being.

We also learned that AshLee was an unheard of 32-years-old when it comes to women who come on The Bachelor when she proclaimed, "The cougar's back in town!" 

That lead to Tierra questioning why she hadn't married younger when she asked, "Why hasn't she found somebody who she can settle down with?" Keep in mind, however; that statement was coming from the girl who's last boyfriend killed himself by O.D.'ing on drugs.

At least AshLee put wings on her bikini to distract from her horribly aimed fake boobs...In fact, it reminds me of having to re-align the headlights on my first car, a 1984 Buick Century...Which coincidentally was AshLee's birth year.

Sean put AshLee on the spot by asking her what she thought about Tierra, and she was more than happy to throw her under the bus.

It's the house and Tierra...Who you get is a completely different girl than the house gets...She's going to be 'pouty pants' like she is with the group of girls."

While AshLee eventually worried about having talked negatively about one of her competitors, Sean seemed to actually value her opinion.

And when he said, "When she tells me something about Tierra, I'm going to believe it," AshLee began to see Sean as the only male influence in her life who didn't try to sexually molest her.

Sean went on to say, "I can't imagine anything going wrong at this point," before he jinxed it by asking, "Is there anything that we haven't covered that we should have cover."

AshLee responded in the affirmative and began by saying, "Fifteen years ago when I was in high school, I was having a hard time with my Mom and Dad."

At that point Sean had to be saying to himself, "Please tell me you were a stripper, please tell me you were a stripper..."

As it turns out, AshLee got married in high school at the age of seventeen, and divorced by the time she was eighteen. "That's kind of my skeleton, and not proud of it...I don't want to be like this broken girl."

Dating as a Sophomore, married during her Junior year, and divorced as a Senior? I'm guessing that AshLee got caught having sex and her ultra religious parents forced her to get married.

Sean ended up re-assuring her and giving her a kiss, which caused AshLee to screams out loud that she loved him.

Sean next sent Tierra a 1-on-1 date card that said, "Let's explore the streets of St. Croix to enjoy the culture." It also gave him a chance to figure out why all the other bitches hate her so much."

I didn't realize that Sean Lowe dated Kelly Clarkson...Oh wait, that's Tierra LiCausi...My apoligies to Kelly Clarkson.

When Sean found a jewelry shop and bought Tierra a bracelet, she may have creamed in her fat girl panties.

"Sean bought me an eternity bracelet!" She went on to say, "I never received anything like this," mainly because her last boyfriend died from a drug overdose and set the bar relatively well.

Sean then asked Tierra the tough question. "If you could do it over again, would act differently in front of the other girls?"

However, Tierra showed no remorse for her actions saying, "Nuh-uh. These girls aren't going to be around for much longer, you know."

After kissing Tierra Sean came to a conclusion. "I've finally come to the conclusion that she's probably not nice to the other women, but she's being genuine when she says that she's here for me."

Now that Pope Benedict has resigned, he's believed to be on a very short list to become Penn State's new defensive coordinator.
For the Group Date Sean surprised the girls at 4:22 a.m. to see how they looked without makeup or their clothes on.

That caused Lindsay to exclaim, "I'm naked!" And with the prospect of seeing the girls without any makeup or clothes on, that made me thankful that Tierra had elected to sleep in her own room.

While some girls like Lindsay worried about their armpit hair Catherine proudly declared, "I'm probably the lowest maintenance person here, I just need to pee and I'm good to go," mainly because Asian girls don't have any hair to shave.

Catherine then went on to inform Sean that her father would not be there if he gave her a home town date since he had attempted suicide in front of her and her sisters when she was fourteen and moved back to China.

However, the Group Date Rose went to Lindsay, who proved to be the only girl remaining on the show who didn't have any obvious daddy issues.

The final 1-on-1 Date went to Lesley, who Sean elected to take on a relaxed date to some sort of fruit orchard, because The Bachelor had apparently gone over budget for the season.

While not as luxurious as some of the other dates, Lesley was fine with it saying, "I could be on Tierra's cot, and it would be awesome."

However, Sean went on to say how their relationship was "not where it needed to be at this point."

And while Lesley acknowledged that she needed to tell Sean that she was falling in love with him, she chickened out at the last second, even though Sean practically begged the question.

That caused Sean to say, "Lesley exudes confidence in every area, except our relationship."

And while Lesley claimed that she was into Sean, but just wanted to move slow, her body language was telling a different story.

Lesley finally ended up letting Sean kiss her and saying, "I never want to get used to that."
As Sean wrestled with his decision as to which two girls to cut, his sister Shay fortunately showed up in her hot pink ass shorts to tell him how he should judge the other girls.

When Sean told Shay that no one girl in particular stood out, Shay told him not to pick the girl who hadn't revealed enough to him.

Unfortunately, that lead him totally in the wrong direction, since Lesley was moving relatively slow as compared to the other girls who were more revealing...Yeah, more revealing.

Tierra then decided to confront AshLee for sabotaging her relationship with Sean.

And when AshLee responded by calling Tierra out for not being friendly or even responsive to the other girls, all Tierra could say was, "I'm a 24 year old woman, you're 32-years-old!"

Which I think may have actually proved AshLee's point, just not as pointy as her nipples.

Tierra revealed that her parents told her, "Tierra, you have a sparkle, don't let those girls take your sparkle away," which is exactly what I would expect parents of a home schooled child or mental retard to say.

When AshLee confronted Tierra about her raised eyebrows and otherwise bitchy ways, Tierra took exception.

"Raised eyebrow? AshLee, that's my face! I can't help it! I cannot control my eyebrow, I cannot control my eyebrow!"

And just when Sean told his sister that he was going to go grab Tierra to talk about her relationship with the other girls, they walked in on Tierra sobbing after her fight with AshLee.

And while Tierra sobbed, "Why is this happening?", Sean asked, "I don't understand why you're acting like this!"

And when Sean revealed, "I came here so you can meet somebody," Tierra demanded, "Who?!?"

Of course, Sean was referring to his sister, and he told Tierra, "Hold on for one second, I'll be right back."

And when Sean did come back, he told Tierra that it might be best for her to go home now.

And when he asked, "Are you going to be okay," She snapped by saying, "No! I'm not."

Tierra went on to complain, "I can't believe he did this to me! I just want to go home! I hope the girls got what they wanted!" Because, clearly, Tierra did nothing to bring this on herself.

Apparently realizing that he had made some bad choices and that he had pushed Tierra to the edge Sean said, "She's an emotional mess..The last thing you want to do is add to it."

And as she realized that she was going home Tierra slipped back into a psychotic state muttering, "Nobody will take my sparkle away, I'm not letting that happen!"

That caused Sean to comment, "Tierra was obviously a source of drama, and just to clarify, I'm not looking for that in a partner."

Feeling as if he had some clarity, Sean announced that there would not be a Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony.

And honestly, as much as I've dogged Sean, he probably ended up choosing the best final five girls for him.

Although I was a bit surprised when he picked AshLee to go on a Hometown Date over Leslie...But that's just a matter of preference I guess.

Not only did Leslie seem like the most real girl on the show, but AshLee just puts out the crazy/bitchy vibe, meaning that she may or may not be incapable of having fun.

Afterall, Leslie was from Arkansas, while Sean's from Texas, which is pretty much the same thing.

Then again, maybe Sean just wanted to use The Bachelor to get some "strange."

Sadly, Leslie seemed to express the appropriate amount of sadness on her way out, suggesting that she really might have been into Sean unlike the other girls.

Of course, Leslie was heard saying, "Alright..." just as Sean slammed the limo door in her face, suggesting that maybe something might have went on that we might have missed.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Blogging Survivor: Caramoan - Meet The Cast

Survivor - Caramoan is upon us. This season the contestants are being divided into two tribes.

The main twist includes bringing in ten new contestants to compete against ten returning "fan favorites."

In actuality, those "fan favorites" only included two people that the audience actually liked, and seven other former players that were simply available because they have remained unemployed since they last appeared on the show.

I realize that my math only adds up to nine...That's because Malcolm Freberg fell into both categories.

Oh yeah, and included with the ten returning former players was yet another relative of Russell Hantz. Of course, that really isn't even a twist anymore, it's more like par for the course.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.

Gota Tribe (fans)

Hope Driskill - A 23-year-old pre-law major from Jefferson City, Missouri.

Pros: She's pretty good looking.

Cons: She describes herself as being "attractive," which automatically makes her much less attractive than she thinks she is.

Of course, what Survivor did not tell us in her bio was that Hope Driskill was Miss Missouri USA in 2011, shown here with Donald Trump. Fortunately, emaciated pageant girls have always fared pretty well living off the land in less than ideal conditions while on the show. 

Eddie Fox - A 23-year-old fireman/EMT from New Jersey.

Pros: Young and physically fit, Eddie claims to be a swimmer and athletic.

Cons: Posted a photo of himself shirtless on Facebook with the caption, "Very happy with myself. Hard work paying off," proving that he's a typical douche bag from Jersey.

Clearly, this photo doubles as Eddie Fox's online dating profile picture. I just feel bad for all of the girls on "Plenty of Fish" that he emails pictures of his junk to.

Laura Alexander - A 23-year-old administrative officer from Washington D.C.

Pros: Laura climbed a mountain in Africa and claims to be good a puzzles.

Cons: I can't find anything interesting on her, either positive or negative.

Laura Alexander...Sorry, that's all I have.

Sherri Biethman - A 41-year-old fast food franchisee from Boise, Idaho.

Pros: Lists her claim to fame as "finding the right diagnosis for my autistic son," which is amazing considering that she doesn't even own an Applebees.

Cons: Falls just below Jenny McCarthy on the hotness to crazy ratio for mothers of autistic children.

At least Sherri Biethman's kid won't understand the social ramifications of having a mom who's a cougar.

Matt Bischoff - A 38-year-old BMX bike dealer and metal band singer from Cincinnati.

Pros: Despite a gruff exterior, seems like he's a pretty likable dude.

: Lists one of his inspirations as the guy who grew the longest beard in history, which shows that he may not be the highest achiever that the show's ever brought on.

Then again, Matt Bischoff's wife is pretty hot, so clearly Yosemite Sam is doing something right.

Julia Landauer - A 21-year-old professional race car driver from New York who's currently attending Stanford University.

Pros: Currently heads a team of men as the head of her own racing team at the age of 21.

Cons: Even though she's kind of cute for a redneck, she is on record as having said that she is trying to develop her "Julia Landauer Racing Brand," so I'm not sure she's in the show for all the right reasons.

Julia Landauer's breath also reeks of Danica Patrick's semen.

Allie Pohevitz 25-year-old bartender from Oceanside, NY.

Pros: She's easy on the eyes. Her claim to fame is being the editor of her school magazine.

Cons: She's a self professed clean freak and pretty girl, so I have a hard time seeing her shitting in the woods, or wherever it is that girls poop when they're on Survivor...Plus her only claim to fame other than being the editor of her school magazine is drinking on the job.

Allie Pohevitz

Michael Snow - A 44-year-old event planner from New York City.

Pros: Claims, "I don't like crazy."

Cons: He's 44-years-old and he lists his occupation as an "entertainer," which likely means he's going to bring all kinds of crazy to the game.

Micheal Snow had fallen on hard times since coming out with his Canadian cross-over single, "Informer."

Shamar Thomas - A 27-year old Marine veteran from Brooklyn.

Pros: Made quite a name for himself yelling at NYCPD officers in the guise of being an ex-Marine while supporting the "Occupy Wall Street" movement.

Cons: Fellow Marines are none too happy that Shamar donned his fatigues and rank badges in the process of doing so since he is now a civilian (apparently a BIG no-no in their code of honor). In fact, a Facebook page called "Marines against Sgt. Shamar Thomas" has emerged, which starts out by saying, "Alright gents, our favorite toolbag is back at it again."

Some brand him a hero, while others criticize new Survivor contestant Shamar Thomas for inappropriately using his military background to try to make a name for himself by yelling at some cops who were merely standing around as his cameras rolled for PR purposes. 

Reynold Toepfer - A 30-year-old real estate agent from San Francisco.

Pros: None.

Cons: Even the Ed Hardy asked Reynold not to wear their gear on Survivor because they thought he was a little too douchey.

Reynold, only 30-years-old, still sports a mullet even though it had nearly gone extinct in all regions except for northern Canada and West Virginia by 1995.*
* Excludes any tour stops by the band "Rush."

Bikal Tribe

Malcolm Freberg - 25-year-old bartender living in Hermosa Beach, CA.

Pros: One of the better physical and social competitors in recent Survivor history.

Cons: Parlayed an Ivy League education into working as a bartender. After visiting an impoverished Filipino village last season and talking about doing something more important in life than tending bar and hitting on girls, he's still tending bar and hitting on chicks.

Malcolm Freberg did parlay his gig on Survivor into a guest appearance on The Bold and the Beautiful...Where he played a bartender who hits on chicks.

Phillip Sheppard - A 54-year-old military veteran and former governmental special agent.

Pros: Like me, he parades around in brightly colored American Apparel "bikini briefs."

Cons: Lists his pet peeve as "People who act like they know everything," proving that he has no self awareness. If his whole "Secret Agent" persona isn't some shtick to brand an image for himself, this guy just might be bat-shit crazy.

Phillip Sheppard's job title with the government was Agent #5, where he was responsible for inspecting men's bikini brief underwear .

Francesca Hogi - A 38-year-old attorney from Brooklyn, NY.

Cons: Francesca was the first person voted out the last time she was on Survivor, which hardly makes her a "fan favorite."

Pros: Samhar Thomas looks as if he may be needing legal representation in Brooklyn relatively soon, so maybe Francesca can at least get some business out of this appearance...Which would be more than she got out of the show the first time she appeared.

I'm not sure who Francesca Hogi was, let alone who might have viewed her a Survivor "favorite."

Erik Reichenbach - A 27-year-old comic book artist from Hell, Michigan.

Cons: After voluntarily giving up the Immunity Idol to a group of girls who wanted to vote him out, Erik is probably the dumbest player to ever appear on Survivor.

Pros: Erik purportedly came on the show, "To show everyone that I am really not that dumb," which means that he has nowhere to go but up.

Some people thought Erik Reichenbach played a good game the first time around...Unfortunately, they're called "Tennessee Volunteer fans."

John Cochran - A 23-year-old Harvard law student.

Pros: One of the more entertaining and cerebral players to ever appear on Survivor.

Cons: Socially awkward...But he's still beautiful.

John Cochran made the successful transition from cartoons as Steve Smith of American Dad, to reality TV star on Survivor.

Dawn Meecham - A 42-year-old English professor from Utah.

Pros:  Dawn claims that she's a good bridge between people of different backgrounds.

Cons:  She's never had to deal with anybody who was not a Mormon aside from being on Survivor.

Dawn Meecham: Maybe she'll stand up for Cochran and us fellow red-heads this time.

Corinne Kaplan - A 33-year-old clinical consultant from Los Angeles.

Pros: According to Corinne, her father taught her how to "work hard."

Cons: She went on to add, "My mother taught me the other option is you can marry the guy who does all that. Both lessons are equally important to me."

Given that Corinne Kaplan is all but flashing her boobs in this picture, I'm thinking that her mom was the one who had the most influence over her.

Brenda Lowe - A 30-year-old paddle board company owner.

Pros: Describes herself as a water person.

Cons: I can't tell if Brenda's half black or half Asian, so she's either not going to be able to get her hair wet or she's really going to love the game of Survivor.

Brenda Lowe is a former Miami Dolphin cheerleader, turned Maxim model, turned Survivor contestant...And I like her socks.

Andrea Boehlke - A 23-year-old self described entertainment host and writer.

Pros: She's kind of outdoorsy, at least for someone who wants to make a career in television.

Cons: Writing a blog with post titles like "Shut up and Make Lasagna" doesn't make you any more of an entertainment writer than I am.

Like Brandon Hantz, Andrea Boehlke has famous relatives too...For instance, her cousin, Larry." 

Russel Hantz's Nephew - A 21-year-old from East Texas.

Pros: Claims he may do some "stupid stuff" like poop in camp or in the cooking pot this time around, which I guess is slightly less sociopathic than thinking about raping all of the pretty female contestants like he did the last time he played.

Cons: Russell's nephew apparently believes he was "almost the sole Survivor" the last time he played, showing that he's not just a habitual sex offender, but hat he's also a habitual liar as well.

However, pooping in Survivor's Easter basket may be just enough to finally get him back in the good graces of his coon-ass uncles, Russell and Willie Hantz.