Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "I get to give her her own personal spa day."

This week's episode began with Jon and Jaclyn shocked after Natalie changed her vote at Tribal Council to take out Alec instead of Keith as they all had planned.

To cover for herself, Natalie lied to her alliance and said that she thought they told her to split her vote for Alec instead of Keith, and blamed it all on a misunderstanding.

The Reward Challenge saw the competitors compete for a day at the spa by dividing into two teams and racing through a maze while belted together, filling a bucket of water to lower a gate, and then solving a puzzle.

Mistaking the first obstacle for a single man with a history of domestic abuse, Missy fell into it face first.

And while Missy, Keith and Jon won day spa reward in a a very close match, Jon threw everyone off when he asked, "Did I say I was going to go?

And when I said everyone, I meant his girlfriend Jaclyn, who was none too pleased when Jon announced that he was giving his reward up to Baylor under he rationale that she needed a mother-daughter experience with Missy.

I'm not saying that Jaclyn Schultz is high maintenance...but she is. 

Meanwhile, Natalie agreed to go to Exile Island, leaving Jon and Jaclyn all alone to fight at camp, almost as if they were still back home in Michigan.

Realizing that Jaclyn was pissed, Jon tried to make blow jobs out lemons of by saying, "I get to give her her own personal spa day," which is usually only the case when your girlfriend isn't pissed at you...and you bought her some really expensive jewelry.

While she was at the Spa, Missy's ankle began to swell up, which was odd considering that she hit her head during the Reward Challenge, but we'll just blame that confusion on a concussion.

The Immunity Challenge began with Natalie returning from Exile Island exhausted and crying, Missy struggling with her painful ankle and crying, and Jaclyn crying just because she's Jaclyn.

Jeff Probst decided to have medical take a look at Missy's ankle before the challenge. Unfortunately, the Survivor medical staff consists of little more than witch doctors and chiropractors, so there was little that they could come up with aside from a sprained ankle and a misaligned spine.

And while that diagnosis allowed Missy to stay in the game, everyone began crying...Mainly because that diagnosis allowed Missy to stay in the game.

The Immunity Challenge itself had the players stand on pegs while reaching up with town hands and using a rope to balance a vase and keeping it from falling.

Jon ended up losing to Natalie in the finals, giving her both Immunity and a guaranteed spot in the final five.

And while Jon thought he was safe despite Natalie's win, her secret plan was to blindside him. However, Missy was reluctant to go along with Natalie, as she didn't want to betray Jon or Jaclyn.

Tribal Council began with Keith lobbying the Alliance of Five to split up before Jeff Probst could even ask anyone a question, as he said, "I'm trying" in response to Jeff Probst's inquiry about shaking up the game.

Unfortunately, Jaclyn jinxed everything for Jon when she said, "All I can say is that I feel strong in the five, so I don't think Jon and I are going anywhere," as the Jury and Baylor looked on in amazement at her stupidity.

Every guy has to pay a price for having a hot girlfriend, and he price Jon Misch had to pay was not winning Survivor...But hey, what girl isn't worth a million dollars? 

Equally naive, Jon even admitted out loud that he'd been thinking about his final two speech quite a bit.

Sure enough, Jon decided not to play his Hidden Immunity Idol, and the vote ended up tied at two between Keith, Jon and Jaclyn.

That was all Jon needed to see to know that he was fucked, and was eliminated on the re-vote.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "Did you just call her a brat? That's my kid!"

This week's episode began with Reed scrambling after Keith inadvertently outed his plan to blindside Jon at Tribal Council by blurting out to him, "Stick to the plan."

Jon, on the other hand patted himself on the back and proclaimed, "That was the best blindside sniff out, ever!"

For a backup linebacker, Jon Misch is starting to get just a little too full of himself. 

However, Natalie and Jaclyn were not as impressed.

Natalie was pissed that Jon overlooked the fact that she was the one who told him to play his Idol at Tribal Council even though he didn't think he needed to.

Jaclyn, on the other hand, seemed pissed that Jon assumed that he would make the finals over her.

The Reward Challenge involved a series of questions about the competitors, with each contestant who correctly answered a question getting to chop one of three ropes of a fellow competitor to drop a stump on their skull and end their game.

With the winner getting a horseback ride, BBQ and brownies, it also served to show the pecking order not only among the competitors in general, but within their alliances as well.

Reed's skull was crushed first, and Keith, who also went early, said to Reed, "It shows you where we stand."

With Jon, Jaclyn, Natalie, Missy and Baylor all discussing who to cut next, Jeff told them to cut the BS and just pick who they wanted to win.

To make things easy, or boring if you were actually watching on television, they all just quit playing and agreed on Missy as the winner. Jon even volunteered to go to Exile Island, and Missy chose Baylor to go with her on the reward.

With Jaclyn left out of the reward Reed said, "We like her a lot," trying to sway her over to his alliance.  

Bu when Baylor stood up for her mom by snapping, "You like everybody Reed," Reed took things a little too far when he said, "I'm a people person Baylor, you're a brat."

That set off Missy's "Momma bear instinct," which was surprisingly absent when she married several abusive step fathers, as she replied, "Excuse me!? Did you just call her a brat? That's my kid!"

Missy then scolded Reed by saying, "Why don't you listen for once, shut your mouth," before adding, "Forget it, it's not worth it. He can't listen."

With her boyfriend Jon at Exile Island, Jaclyn spent her alone time back at camp time flirting with Alec. Meanwhile, an exhausted Jon found the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Of course, denied any impure intentions towards his buddy Jon's girlfriend...Well, kind of.

"There's like no girl I'd take on a date on Survivor, you know what I'm saying? Unless you're going to go on a date with me."

Alec went on to add, "Jaclyn is a cool chick. I like Jaclyn a lot. It's just kind of like cream cheese. You know you can't hurt many things with putting cream cheese on it."

Not every girl will let you put your cream cheese on her, but Jaclyn Schultz didn't seem to rule it out with Alec. 

However, Jaclyn was still pissed she didn't get to go on the reward, and she was egged on by Reed, Alec and Keith around camp, who all gave her an extra large bowl of rice just to kiss her ass.

The Immunity Challenge had the competitors one by one try to roll balls onto a paddle and simultaneously balance six of them at one time, with Keith winning in the end.

After returning from Exile exhausted, Jon understandably just wanted to see his girlfriend naked. Unfortunately, like most girls, Jaclyn just wanted to talk, so the two began to argue.

Trying to reach a deal to stay in the game, Keith approached Jon and Jaclyn with a proposed final three deal.

However, Jon was non-receptive and arrogantly scolded Keith by saying, "Nobody's willing to go to the final three with me, don't give me that B.S!"

That caused Jon's girlfriend, Jaclyn, to console Keith by saying, "I just got yelled at too."

However, when Natalie walked up, Jon surprisingly began winking at Keith...He also secretly indicated that he'd be willing to work with him.

For her own selfish reasons, Jaclyn went into full diva mode and stopped talking to her boyfriend Jon heading into Tribal Council, mainly because he had talked to Missy instead of her after SHE had stopped talking to him...Also, did I mention that Missy is like 60?

This is actually on e of those rare situations where someone like Jon Misch could actually do a lot better than Jaclyn Schultz. 

Jaclyn's tantrum freaked Reed the fuck out since his game depended on Jon and herself making a decision to flip and join him.

And while Jon was understandably freaked out about Jaclyn's refusal to talk to him, he was even more concerned about who she was actually talking to.

"My big problem is that we have a Tribal Council tonight and that my girlfriend is not on the same page as I am, and that refused to talk to me. Not a good time for that...That could be my only time to talk before Tribal, and Jaclyn is over there flirting with Alec."

At Tribal Council, Missy accused Alec of flirting with Jaclyn.

That caused Jon to slyly ask, "Jaclyn, would you agree with that?"

And after she just smiled and said, "I mean, I don't know," Jaclyn went on to admit that she was all butt hurt by not getting chosen by Missy to go along for the reward.

With that, Jaclyn ultimately stuck with the plan, and Reed was voted out, and Jon and Jaclyn made up after Tribal Council.

After Tribal Council, in what turned out to be a double episode, Alec was rightfully worried.

"Tribal got kind of heated tonight. Everyone thinks I'm a pig, flirt, but that is a sick joke. If I wanted to flirt with any of these girls here, I would, but I would never do that."

The week's second Reward Challenge had the players reach overhead to pin a ball against a post with a wooden spool while balancing on one foot.

Natalie kept her ball up the longest, and won reward, consisting of an overnight stay in a nice bed and room service in the form of chicken Parmesan and wine...all while at camp, and in front of everyone else.

While Natalie elected to take Jaclyn and Jon along with her, her true intention was to make Jon feel safe so she could blindside him.

Natalie didn't seem to like Jaclyn much either saying, "She's such a little punk."

At camp Natalie and Baylor wanted to blindside Jon.

Keith also wanted to target Jon and Jaclyn for his pet peeve, people who sleep to much, and I'm guessing the fact that they got to spend the entire day in a king sized bed at camp in front of him was just too much for him to take.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to use a rope to balance blocks that they set up on a table without knocking any over as they walked back and forth from that table to find more blocks to stack.

Jon won Immunity, which freed him up to give his Idol to Jaclyn, which was good for him since he picked up on what he called a "negative vibe" from his alliance around camp.

With Jon having won Immunity, Natalie and Baylor scrambled for a contingency plan, as they had planned on blindsiding their alliance member.

Natalie peed in Baylor's cornflakes by saying that she wanted to target Alec, with whom Baylor had flirted in what they described as a "Brother-Sister" relationship...if only the brother and sister each secretly wanted to do each other.

Baylor Wilson: Family reunions are so much better in the South.

However, Natalie peed in Baylor's cornflakes when she told her that she wanted to vote out Alec.

At Tribal Council, a rat scurried across the set, causing Natalie to scream and Alec to declare that he was hungry enough to eat it.

Alec may have got his wish, because in the end he was voted out. That left Jon and Missy looking shocked, not realizing that Natalie and Baylor had organized a shocking blindside of the second weakest player in the game.

But don't worry about Alec, as he left saying, "I didn't win, but at least I beat Drew," in reference to his brother having left earlier than he did, which was really the only thing he cared about...That is, aside from Jaclyn.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "I ate 58 chicken nuggets in five minutes in an eatin' contest once"

This week's episode began with Keith trying to convince Reed to join up with his alliance.

Keith "Reed's a gamer. He plays and he knows how to talk to folks and figure stuff out...Mathematic numbers and all that mess, which is way above me."

To be fair, most country music lyrics are way above Keith Nale

The Reward Challenge saw the tribe divide into two teams, swim out to a platform, dive back into the water to collect puzzle pieces, and then put that puzzle together as a team the fastest.

Jon, Jaclyn, Reed and Alec all won the reward, which allowed them to take baseball supplies to Nicaraguan children and get to eat their fill of baseball themed food.

Missy either really wanted to shove her mouth full of wieners or participate in the "do good" part of the reward, so Reed politely gave up his reward to her.

However, Reed had ulterior motives, as he really just wanted some time alone with Keith, but only in a semi-sexual way.

Reed actually just wanted to work the crowd against Jon while he, Jaclyn and Missy were away, but the sex with Reed was so good that he just couldn't pass it up.

In a not so generous display, the winners sent Wes to Exile Island under the guise that he could "look for the Idol."

Unbeknownst to Wes, Exile Island was as barren as Jaclyn when it came to Idols, who had acknowledged that she was born with a medical condition that left her unable to have baby with Jon, and possibly not any other white guys.

Baylor and Natalie used the clue that they found in Keith's sack to look for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Sure enough, Natalie found it, and in her new found confidence began to target Reed for eviction.

At the Immunity Challenge, the contestants had to hold themselves up with just their heels on a handle and their hands above their head without falling off.

For some reason, Baylor Wilson's pose for the competition kind of got me excited. 

Jeff also tempted the contestants with food to get them to voluntarily drop out.

For some reason Missy was way too happy to drop out of the competition without even soliciting a food reward, and when she talked out loud about walking in the sand as her reward her daughter Baylor scolded, "Mom, shut your mouth, OMG!"

A man after my own heart, Wes elected to drop out of the Immunity Challenge for chicken wings and beers even though he was anything but safe heading into Tribal Council.

His dad Keith tried to explain his decision by saying, "Maybe a food weakness...I'm going to have a little father son after we're through with this."

In true Survivor cast fashion, it turned out that Wes was just trying to use the show to promote himself as a competitive eater as he declared, "I ate 58 chicken nuggets in five minutes in an eatin' contest once.

That caused Jeff Probst to gasp, "You ate how many whats and won what?"

And when Wes affirmed it was "58 chicken nuggets (and that he won) the chicken nugget eatin' contest," Jeff asked the only natural question, "Is that an annual event?"

Sadly, in the South a "chicken nugget eatin' contest is generally just considered "lunch." 

The final two competitors were Natalie and Reed. However, Natalie actually asked Jeff if he would give her pizza, chicken wings, water and beer in order to drop out.

By that point I didn't know what was more surprising...The fact that Jeff actually met her demands and brought all of those foods to her, or that a big girl like Natalie didn't ask for an additional side of beef and three bottles of ranch dressing.

While Natalie could barely even walk to get her prize, Reed celebrated by doing the splits and yelling,"Jeff, It's a dream come true!"

Reed Kelly on Survivor: Ta-Da bitches!

Feeling frisky, Reed wanted to target Jon for feeling too confident and stepping down early, and as it turned out, Reed, Keith, Alec and Wes all also wanted to vote him out.

At Tribal Council, most of the early talk centered around who had an Idol, as one had yet to be played all season.

However, when Reed began giving a spiel to "stick to the plan," Natalie picked up that something was wrong and mouthed to Jaclyn, "Do you trust him?"

And when Jaclyn replied, "No," Natalie  said to Keith, "We'll go with you guys."

But for some reason Keith said, "No," which left the players all scrambling to figure out what the fuck was going on even as the vote began.

With so much uncertainty in the air, Natalie told Jon just before the vote, "Dude, play your Idol."

That turned out to be great advice, as not only did Jon decide to play his Idol, but so did Keith.

And while Keith offered his Idol to his son Wes, he declined it.

Sure enough, the majority of the votes went Jon and Keith, which were all rendered void by their Idols. The only votes that counted went to Wes, who was voted out by default.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "It's a big rookie mistake. Don't leave something in your bag that you don't want people to find."

This week's episode began with with Jon trying to do damage control after being convinced by his girlfriend Jaclyn to vote Josh out.

Dale, who was either chewing dirt or somehow managed to sneak a month's supply of Skoal into the game, was plenty of pissed off about it.

He even went as far as to say that he'd consider trying to get people to vote for him just so he could play his Idol to try and screw Jon and Jaclyn over, which is the type of thing that happens when you put Southerners on Survivor.

The Reward Challenge divided the tribe into two teams that put their players up against each other in one on one wrestling matches to knock their opponent off of a balancing beam and into a mud pit.

Southern boy Wes started out against Reed, the gay dancer from New York City, who sent Wes face first into the mud.

However, Wes treated Reed like the woman he aspires to be in their rematch by slapping at him while he screamed in defeat, but refused to press charges...Just like any good Southern woman.

Speaking of good Southern Women, few people know that Baylor Wilson once dated Brandon Hantz. 

Ex-Michigan State football player Jon Misch destroyed Jeremy twice to tie the game at 4, with the winners needing 5 victories to win a boat cruise with unlimited sandwiches.

So far, the once undersized linebacker known as Jon "The Missile" Misch has destroyed bigger opponents Jeremy and John Rocker in head to head physical challenges. 
Baylor fought her mom for the second time this season in a challenge, and while Missy let Baylor win out of sympathy the first time, Baylor knocked her mom off with a clean.

With the match tied at four, the finals was a re-match between Missy and Baylor, with Baylor once again using her mom's instability to her advantage, with the only surprise being that the instability was physical, and not mental.

In a big surprise, Natalie volunteered to give her reward up to Jon, while Jeremy gave his reward up to Jaclyn, giving the swing vote power couple a reward together even though their team had lost.

Natalie explained her decision as being a show of respect, explaining how she was nervous at the last Tribal Council before Jon voted along with her.

As a "reward," the winners decided to send Jeremy to Exile Island so he could try to find the Idol that Jon already had.

Reed for one was not happy to have Jon and Jaclyn along on the reward cruise with the rest of the winners.

"It makes me want to hurl...I might stir up a little chaos in the game right now. It might be the last thing written on my coffin, but I'm willing to take that risk."

The Immunity Challenge required the players to untangle a rope, and then stack blocks in order to raise a flag...Using only their feet.

Baylor ended up winning over the next closest competitor, Reed, to protect herself and leave Reed as the most useless woman left in the game without some form of Immunity.

However, while fondling Keith's bag, Reed accidentally stumbled across his Immunity Idol clue.

That caused Reed to say, "It's a big rookie mistake. Don't leave something in your bag that you don't want people to find."

Reed Kelly actually wanted somebody to find that dollar. 

And while Reed tried to sell Keith out based upon what he found, not everyone was buying it.

Or as Baylor said, "Reed thinks Keith, of all people, has the Idol, which is baffling."

Meanwhile, Jeremy tried to sell Natalie on his belief that Jon had an Idol heading into Tribal Council.

At Tribal Council, Jaclyn and Jon called out Wes and Keith out for not talking to the females in the game, while still expecting to get their vote.

But in a blindside, Jeremy was the one who was voted out, as Jon, Jaclyn, Baylor and Missy all voted against their fellow alliance member.

Of course, by failing to clue Natalie in on their plan, Jon and Jaclyn may have opened her up to the prospect of jumping alliances and making it a 5-5 game instead of 6-4, so stay tuned.

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "Why couldn't you just poop?"

This week's episode began with the Huyopa tribe pissed that Julie quit the game, mainly because both alliances wanted the pleasure of voting her selfish and racist ass out themselves.

I'm thinking that with a few "stars and bars," Julie McGee could be just as popular as her boyfriend John Rocker playing the role of  "Redneck Wonder Woman," who wears only body paint instead of a costume, of course. 

That left Jon and Jaclyn reconsidering whether they should blindside Jeremy instead of voting Josh out as they had planned before Julie left.

The Reward Challenge had the tribe divide into two teams, load puzzle pieces on a cart, and then use those pieces to build a pyramid to help hoist up a statue and raise a victory flag.

The winners, Keith, Jeremy, Wes, Reed and Natalie all ended up winning reward over the girls, and elected to send Jon to Exile Island.

With the reward being a taco bar, it sent the winners on a run to the border, or at least to a place in the woods.

However, it wasn't that easy for everybody, as Wes literally ate as many burritos and drank as many margaritas as he could until he he plugged his sewage line, so to speak.

And with Wes' gas getting worse and worse, the winners' reward seemed more like a punishment, or as Baylor asked, "Why couldn't you just poop?"

Jeremy admitted that he was no stranger to the gas working in a fire station, but took issue with Wes' flatulence from an etiquette standpoint. "As soon as a woman comes in the room you shut it down."

Wes Nale's gas...Well, so much for the myth of the "Southern Gentleman."

Back at camp, the losers dined on beach snails and coconut water, which is slightly less disgusting than the high end coconut water you can buy at stores for like $3 a carton to prevent hangovers.

Josh approached Baylor and told her that she "owed" him at least one vote for keeping her afloat earlier in the game, which Baylor wasn't having no matter how bitchy and gay Josh was.

Wes' dad, Keith, proved that the Southern Gentleman apple doesn't fall far from the trees at Toomer's Corner when he got fed up with what he perceived was Baylor being lazy.

"If you were my kid, you would have done got whooped about seven times by now."

Of course, he did nothing about his son turning San Juan del Sur into one of world's top CO2 emitters.

In all fairness to Keith, in the South men are raised to believe that women and African Americans should do all of the work, while white guys get to sit around listening to Alabama and dreaming about the good ole' days when they didn't have to work.

This couple represents to rise of the South during the Civil War, and then their disappointing surrender at Appomattox. 

With Jon away at Exile Island, Keith's reluctance to include any of the women in his strategy talk rubbed his girlfriend Jaclyn the wrong way, who still stood to be the co-swing vote along with Jon.

Of course, Jon found a clue to the hidden Immunity Idol at Exile Island, and sure enough he found it, giving Jaclyn and himself even more security.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to memorize a series of symbols that were flashed by Jeff Probst and then recite them back in the correct order.

Jeremy ended up defeating Josh for Individual Immunity, which likely kept him from getting blindsided.

Upon returning, Jon not only hugged Jaclyn, but he seductively whispered in her ear, "I have the Idol," which just made Reed jealous.

While Josh, Reed, Alec and Keith all wanted to target Baylor, Jaclyn lobbied Jon to turn on Josh since he and the other the guys ignored her while he was gone.

Meanwhile, Keith told Missy, Baylor's mom, that he wanted Baylor out of the game. Of course, when word got back to Baylor she said, "He's not very smart."

At Tribal Council, when Wes was asked if the alliances were known, he literally shot his wad.

"I think the alliances are known. Me Josh, Reed and Alec teamed up with dad, and I felt like it was known to people that we was working together type."

However, with the guys getting a bit overly confident, Jaclyn took a shit in their Easter basket and called them out for not respecting her.

That caused Missy to jump in and call out Wes and Alec. "They literally belch, fart, spit...They don't care if there's females there or not."

With his son on the spot, Keith jumped in to save what was left of his family's reputation.

"We're not at the Hilton Missy, and I haven't heard Wesley fart lately or spit...I've had a little bit of gas. I'm sure everybody on this panel has had gas...This is Survivor...You're going to get dirty, you're going to get nasty and have gas."

Once again, Keith Nale was there to save his son's redneck ass. 

As is always the case with pretty girls, Jaclyn got her way as she convinced Jon to vote Josh out, who went home over Baylor, 6-5.

That made Josh the first member of the Jury, and left his boyfriend Reed scrambling to figure out who the next most famous guy in the tribe was so he could try and hook up with him.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "Kids go to summer camp longer than we're out here."

This week's episode began with the Coyopa Tribe trying to explain to Keith why he received votes along with Dale, without specifically telling him that he was the old and racist guy that nobody liked just in case they needed him at the next vote.

While tension was riding high at Coyopa, Hunahpu received a "Tree Mail" telling them to pack up their belongings for the much anticipated merge.

The newly merged "Hoyopa" tribe was rewarded with a feast, which allowed the Hunahpu tribe to eat even more after they had plowed through their entire allotment of food in less than half of the game.

Jeremy immediately sought out Jon to form an alliance of the most physically fit players in the game, and they rounded it out with Missy, Baylor, Natalie, Julie and Jaclyn just to make sure that their physical advantage was effectively negated.

However, with Josh having protected Baylor earlier in game, Baylor felt the need to explain her position to him, or as anyone else would have called it, "outing her alliance."

Having plowed through three different husbands and run a cheerleader school, Missy was hoping that her daughter would have turned out just a little more like her and just swept Josh's leg without tipping him off.

"Baylor is 20, and sometimes she acts like she's 30, and sometimes she acts like she's 10. She has a need to please."

Sadly, before Baylor Wilson ever moved to Nashville to attend college and pursue a music career she had already been raising a child...Her mother, Missy. 

Realizing that Baylor was no longer in his alliance, Josh approached Jon and Jaclyn about the prospect of getting rid of Jeremy, which once again left Jon and Jaclyn as the swing vote in the game.

After pretending to be likable, Julie proved that she really was low enough to be John Rocker's girlfriend, as she stole some trail mix from the merger feast and hid it in her bag instead of bringing it back to the new tribe for everyone to share.

With suspicions running high, Jon went through Julie's bag and found the missing bag of trail mix.

Anybody else been waiting their whole life to see John Rocker in a see through shirt and a totally bitchin' belt clip? Yeah, me neither. 

Wes was less than pleased with Julie saying, "It's one of the most selfish things you can do in Survivor." Of course, he and the rest of the tribe ate the trail mix contraband before they confronted Julie about it.

While Julie McGee no longer had her secret stash of trail mix, at least she had her not so secret reserve of Botox and silicon to survive off of. 

The first Individual Immunity Challenge required each player to balance a ball on a platform without dropping it, with a second ball being added as time went on to make things even more difficult.

As good as Reed and Josh claimed to be at juggling balls, both were quickly eliminated. The finals came down to a father against son match-up, with Keith defeating Wes.

Back at camp, Alec kept yelling about how much he'd love some trail mix, which was an obvious jab at Julie for eating all of the M and M's.

Jeremy and Jon targeted Josh because they thought he was the only player on the other side of their alliance who was competent enough to play the game against them.

Meanwhile, Josh campaigned to split up Jon and Jaclyn since they were the most powerful "loved ones" duo left in the game.

Anticipating backlash against the couples, Jon and Jaclyn decided to turn against Jeremy so they could keep more couples in the game and take the target off of themselves.

Realizing that her new tribe had turned against her, Julie called Jeff Probst to meet with her and made up a story about being so co-dependent on John that she was unable to continue in the game since there were other couples left, and that reminded her of how she missed her racist little redneckie-poo.

Well, maybe the co-dependency thing wasn't made up, but she really was just upset because she had been caught red handed stealing food and didn't want to deal with it face to face, so she chose the easy way out, kind of like Colton Cumbie's boyfriend did.

True to form, Jeff Probst was not at all happy that somebody was voluntarily quitting the game.

And in reference to Julie's decision to walk out of the game and on her alliance, Jeff scolded, "Kids go to summer camp longer than we're out here...Because it's quite possibly a million dollar quit for someone else."

But despite Jeff Probst's anger, Julie McGee quit Survivor to go back to being John Rocker's blow up doll. 

Jeff broke the news to the rest of the players by saying, "Bad news and good news. Bad news is if you were in an alliance with Julie, you just lost a member."

The good news was for Jeremy, as Jeff announced that there would be no Tribal Council, which kept him from getting back-doored by Jon and Jaclyn.

In fact, Jeremy was so clueless about their plan that he was actually pissed at Julie for "messing up" his plans.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "You're so beautiful"

This week at Coyopa began with Dale angry at the rest of his tribe because his mouth ended up costing him his daughter, Kelley, who got voted out because he couldn't keep his hidden sexual tension towards Missy in his pants.

Knowing that he was Coyopa's next target, Dale showed Jon his "Immunity Idol" in order to try and stay in the game, and Jon seemed to buy it even though it was really a prosthetic.

At Hunahpu, Jeff Probst visited camp with his offer for the bag of rice that the tribe was desperate for.

"There's never been a tribe in the history of Survivor that has needed as much help as you guys have...First you lose your flint...Now you're completely out of rice and you need help again!"

Jeff noted Hunahpu's exorbitant food consumption as a reason why they've dominated the challenges thus far, and demanded a steep price to re-fill their food bag, namely their tarp, blankets, hatchet, hammer, one of their two pots, and their extra flint.

After accepting Jeff's offer, that left Hunahpu with only a machete, a single pot, and a flint, which essentially left them starting the game over.

Not everybody at Hunahpu was on board with making that trade, as Jeremy wanted to keep their comfort items in hopes of being able to bed down one of the girls since his wife had been evicted.

Unfortunately, his pleas fell on deaf ears...Especially the ears of the women.

The Reward Challenge required one person from each tribe navigate an obstacle course blindfolded, study a braille puzzle, and then take puzzle pieces back through the obstacle course to the other side and assemble the puzzle they touched from memory.

With Reed squaring off against Baylor, Jeff Probst noted how there was a "lot of head bopping into poles," which actually had nothing to do with Reed fame whoring himself out and dating Clay Aiken.

While Reed Kelly is no stranger to his head "bopping into poles," if Clay Aiken is repulsed by getting kissed by a male model type gay guys, I'm starting to wonder exactly what he's into.

Reed ended up winning for Hunahpu, which sent Baylor to Exile Island along with Natalie, who volunteered to go along in hopes of gaining some goodwill in the event of a merge.

I'm wondering, are Natalie and her sister Nadiya smokers?

While Hunahpu ended up winning a feast as a result of the Reward Challenge, they also had to deal with a rain storm without a tarp or any real shelter of any sorts, making Jeremy a prophet of sorts.

The Immunity Challenge required the tribes scale a wall, push a huge cube over to posts and grab bags of puzzle pieces, and then solve that puzzle.

Hunahpu ended up coming from behind to win, sending Coyopa to Tribal Council once again.

Before Tribal Council Dale told Jon that if he didn't get voted out he'd give him his Immunity Idol, which was in fact fake, in order to get Missy out.

Jon told Missy and Baylor of Dale's offer, who wanted to split the votes between Dale and Keith 3-2 in order to make sure that Dale went home.

However, Jon and Jaclyn were still undecided about how to vote, and wanted to make their decision on who they could trust going forward.

In the end, Jon didn't fall for Dale's fake Idol trick, and Dale was voted out 3-2 pursuant to Missy and Baylor's plan, much to his dismay.

Jon must have been feeling it as well, because he leaned over to his Miss Michigan girlfriend (the real Miss Michigan, not his hand...Because that would have been weird) and said, "You're so beautiful."

Say what you want about Jon Misch, but the dude's not a liar...Jaclyn Schultz is beautiful.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "Another conversation? This ought to be good."

While Coyopa began this week's episode coming off of their first Immunity Challenge victory, at Hunahpu, Jon was left scrambling after his closest ally, Drew, was blindsided.

Don't worry for Jon Misch too much though, Sparty usually has a way of  persevering. 

Upon arriving at the Immunity Challenge, Coyopa also seemed shocked that Drew was voted out.

And when Jeff Probst asked Baylor why she looked so shocked that Drew was voted out she responded, "I thought that Drew was Mr. Popular," which caused most of the Hunahpu Tribe to break out laughing.

Drew Christy: Rule number one, male models are never, ever popular...That is, except for Gisele Bundchen.

However, the big surprise came when Jeff told the contestants to drop their buffs and prepare for a re-draw of the tribes.

The new Hunahpu Tribe saw boyfriends Reed and Josh land together, along with Wes, Alec, Jeremy, Julie and Natalie.

Coyopa landed three sets of loved ones with Jon and Jaclyn, Kelley and Dale, Missy and Baylor, as well as Keith, who astutely noted, "I know that's not good Jeff."

Reed and Josh decided to sneak off in order to have sex, as did Kelley and Dale.

Actually, Josh informed the audience that he and Reed had decided to remain abstinent until they get married, which meant that they just did each other up the ass, kind of like teenage girls do these days so they can still call themselves "virgins."

...And in Reed Kelly and Josh Canfield's case, they just might end up being "virgins" for life.

Jon and Jaclyn had no shortage of PDA with one another after being reunited on Coyopa.

Baylor admitted that she was a little jealous, but in a non-bitchy kind of way.

"I'm totally jealous, I'm sitting here single, twenty...My mom's made her share of mistakes. She's been married three times, and divorced three times. My time will come, my mom's next time will come," as she broke out laughing.

After Missy helped exhaust Hunahpu's food supply, she immediately came over to Coyopa and began cooking up an extra large batch of rice, which pissed Dale off, especially since he was already at odds with her daughter Baylor.

Kelley did her best to calm her dad down before he lost his shit.

"Missy plays that sweet mom role, but she can be a bit of a diva, while my dad is a small town hardworking farm man, and he doesn't deal with that kind of stuff."

Or as Dale said, "She's a self centered bossy bitch." Hmm...Do I smell a love connection?!?

The old Coyopa players arrived at Hunahpu and quickly realized that the old tribe had essentially devoured all of their food.

Or as Josh said, "There were some very fool hearty players on this side. It's very very frustrating," mainly referring to Missy and Drew, who apparently liked to eat two big meals a day before he was voted out.

The Immunity Challenge was set up as a race for each tribe to dig up a bag with keys, crawl through a huge mud pit, open a gate and shake down twenty sandbags from a pole, and then toss ten of those bags onto a wobbly platform.

Hunahpu ended up winning easily, tossing all of their bags before Coyopa even made it to their platform, which, by yet another technicality, allowed Josh Canfield and Reed Kelly to claim that they're still abstinent.

Reminiscent of Immunity Challenges past, Reed wanted to barter with Jeff Probst saying, "Jeff, when you get a sec we'd like to talk to you please."

That caused Jeff to sigh, "Another conversation? This ought to be good."

And with Reed informing him that their tribe was in dire straits when it came to their food supply, Jeff informed them that he would get back with them after Tribal Council, but warned them that any trade would not come cheap.

Heading into Tribal Council, Kelley and Dale, who were on the outs with Baylor and Missy, approached Jon and Jaclyn about working together.

Dale even did his best to kiss Jon and Jaclyn's asses saying, "We got your back Michigan."

And when Dale spoke up at Tribal Council and declared, "To be perfectly honest, they're (Jon and Jaclyn) the hottest couple in camp right now," Baylor joined in the love fest saying, "They're the hottest couple, period."

In the end, Jon and Jaclyn decided that it was in their best interest to work with Baylor and Missy, and Kelley was voted out, which left her father Dale steaming as he headed back to camp alone.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "So basically I'm a badass, the manipulator of this game."

Coyopa began this week's episode as the happiest tribe to ever return from Tribal Council, mainly because they were able to vote John Rocker out of the game.

After Hunahpu had to give up their reward of fishing gear to get fire back after losing their flint two weeks ago, Natalie found it in the sand right next to their fire pit.

That caused Reed to say, "I didn't feel like we were that dumb to leave it in the fire pit."

...Which caused me to ask, "Why were Reed Kelly and Hunahpu so dumb that they didn't even think to dig through their fire pit for their flint before crying to Jeff Probst and having to give up their reward?" And more importantly, "Is this how Reed Kelly met his ex, Clay Aiken?"

At the Reward Challenge, the news that John Rocker had been voted out by Coyopa was met by applause from Hunahpu.

Better yet, Drew informed Jeff Probst that they had found their flint, and had the balls to ask him if they could trade it for half of the fishing gear that they had traded away for their second flint.

And when Jeff pretended to entertain that offer, Jon Misch laughed it off by saying, "I feel like you're taunting us," to which Jeff replied, "I am taunting you, put the flint back, you made the trade."

The Reward Competition itself required one competitor to use a grappling hook to retrieve three bags of balls, and then use a catapult to launch balls into five different baskets.

With the winner getting a choice between comfort supplies like blankets and pillows  or food for a grill out, Jon Misch squared off against his girlfriend, Jaclyn.

In a closer than expected contest between an ex D-I football player and a pageant queen, Jon came from behind to win and sent Jaclyn to Exile Island.

He also chose Drew to join her there, who would have been the last person I would have sent to spend the night alone with my girlfriend.

Even though Jaclyn Schultz rejected him, I'm pretty sure that Drew Christy will still tell his friends that spent the night with "Miss Michigan."

Or as Drew noted, "I've got a pretty Miss Michigan chick out here, but I'm not out here looking for love, definitely not with one of my buddies' girl," as he blatantly stared at her ass when she bent over.

Fortunately for John, Jaclyn laughed after she recalled how Drew's brother had warned her that Drew was a "ladies man."

Keith used his clue, but still couldn't find the Hidden Immunity Idol for Hunahpu.

That left Keith convinced him that Jeremy had already found it after he returned from Exile Island a week earlier, and he told that to anyone who would listen to him.

When news got back to Jeremy, he was pissed that Keith had put him on the spot without even asking him.

Sure enough, Keith kept looking, and then found Hunahpu's Idol. And like any racist from Louisiana, he didn't apologize to Jeremy, or tell anyone else.

The Immunity Challenge required the teams to swim out to and dive off a platform one-by-one to retrieve a floating ring, and then swim back with it so other team members could toss those rings onto a target.

Drew insisted on tossing the rings for Coyopa, and then proceeded to fuck up the challenge, which gave Coyopa their first win.

Of course, Drew had said that he was going to throw the challenge after he arrived from Exile Island so he could "get rid of some of the snakes."

Feeling pretty good about himself, like all wanna be male models do, Drew said, "So basically I'm a bad ass, the manipulator of this game."

After getting voted out Drew Christy said, "I'm obviously a physically and sexual threat to the them (referring to the girls)."

And when he said "getting rid of some of the snakes," Drew decided that the person who needed to go was Kelley, since she was "low key and very observant," just like most snakes.

Of course, nobody else seemed to be on board with that plan, and Jeremy even called him out in front of the rest of the tribe.

Forgetting that she was too fat to be a girl, Natalie proposed that the girls should consider getting rid of Drew.

She then took her plan to Jeremy who said, "Yeah, he's a moron, but that's a big move."

On the other hand, Jeremy wanted to get rid of Keith for personal reasons, even though John also wanted to get rid of his friend Drew.

Socially unaware, Drew rallied the guys by saying, "I'm telling you, let's get Kelley out tonight, and then all these bitches don't know what to do other than come to us. Trust me guys," not even noticing that Kelley was standing right next to him.

At Tribal Council, Jeremy called out Keith for insinuating that he had the Hidden Immunity Idol without even asking him about it first considering that they were supposed to be in an alliance together.

And while Keith tried to downplay what he had told the rest of the tribe, Natalie confirmed that Keith didn't say "I think, he said, 'I tell ya one thing, Jeremy got that Idol.'"

However, like a true manipulator of the game Drew got voted out, which was funny considering that he threw the Immunity Challenge to get rid of some of the snakes...Fortunately for us, he did!

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "If you were a man, I'd knock your teeth out!"

This week began with John Rocker attempting to justify that he held his word when he told Jeremy he'd protect his wife by telling Val to play her Immunity Idol.

And while Val didn't really have one Idol, let alone the two Idols as she had told him, John Rocker made sure that he had told the rest of the Coyopa Tribe knew that she had secretly told him that she did.

At Hunahpu, Drew decided it was more important to take a nap than help build his camp, which put him under fire from the rest of the tribe for his work ethic, or lack thereof.

Or as Jeremy said, "I was planning on taking him along with me because he's a moron, but I'm not going to be able to."

Drew Christy has aspired to be on Survivor ever since he was on Beverly Hills 90210.

At the Reward Challenge, Jeremy was shocked to see that his wife, Val, had been voted out last week.

After an angry Jeremy called out the men at Coyopo, John Rocker acknowledged that he tried to help Val, but simply couldn't get the votes together to save her.

That infuriated Josh and the rest of Coyopo, who saw John Rocker as trying to work with the enemy.

He didn't earn any points with Jeremy either, who saw John Rocker as breaking his word by failing to protect his wife as he had promised.

John Rocker: I mean, who wouldn't trust a homophobe wearing a see-through blouse?

The Reward Challenge itself was once again a one-on-one contest to maneuver six different tiles with a pole over a balance beam, and then stack them on top of each other, one by one.

With Wes playing Keith in a father vs. son challenge, Wes defeated his father for Coyopa's first win, which gave them the fishing gear that Hunahpu won, but gave up last week to get fire after they lost their flint.

Wes ended up sending the openly gay Josh to Exile Island with his dad, which was only slightly less uncomfortable for Keith than when Jeremy sent him to Exile Island with his African American wife, Val.

However, Josh and Keith seemed to get off to a good start with Josh saying, "I think people would be shocked at how well Keith and I get along, you know, a Louisiana hick and a gay guy from New York."

Keith was a little less enthusiastic about their relationship, and when I say "enthusiastic," I mean homophobic.

"He seems like a good ole' boy, just not my good ole' boy...Josh will be one side of the fire, I'll be on my side...I just don't see a lot of "Josh's" down in Louisiana (laughing)."

That doesn't mean that Keith didn't want to see a bunch of Josh's down in Louisiana, he jut didn't see many of them down there...Aside from his "dead gay son," Wes. 

Back at Hunahpu, Jeremy outed John Rocker for not only running the show, but for his bigoted comments when he played for the Braves, which sent John's girlfriend Julie running off into the woods in tears.

Deep down inside, John Rocker is really a good guy...Just so long as you're white. 

The Immunity Challenge saw each tribe send pairs tethered together to navigate an obstacle course to get to a ball, and shoot it into a hoop, with the first tribe getting to three winning.

We Alec crashed into Julie at an intersection Jeremy shouted out, "They just smashed your girl John!"

John went next and got even by intentionally threw his hip into one of Hunahpu's girls, Reed,

Go figure, a gay guy from New York and his boyfriend helped contribute to John Rocker's demise on Survivor. 

Jon Misch ended up wining Immunity for Hunahpu as Natalie yelled at Coyopa to "Change it up," while calling John Rocker out as a racist.

But instead of staying quiet as his tribe mates urged, John yelled back, "If you were a man I'd knock your teeth out."

John Rocker Survivor: "If you were a man, I'd knock your teeth out!"

For Coyopa, Baylor remained worried that she would be the target even though John Rocker lost his cool and disrespected women, which seemed to fuel her even more to try and stay in the game.

And while John Rocker told the girls that he wanted to blindside Dale, he really wanted to vote out Baylor. To sell his plan to Josh and the guys, he also revealed that he had an Idol, which made them consider listening to him.

On the other hand, after Josh learned that some of John Rocker's controversial comments here homophobic, he no longer wanted to keep him around as a shield to draw votes away from himself.

"Ooh, I don't think I want to be an ally with this person, because they stand for so many things that I'm against, and in John' case, if I don't have to use him, I don't want to."

Josh then lead a plan to vote out John Rocker, telling Baylor that John Rocker was planning on blindsiding her.

Of course, at Tribal Council Jaclyn tipped John Rocker off that some of the other guys were starting to turn on their "all guy" alliance.

But John Rocker elected not to play his Immunity Idol, even though he feigned getting up to play it, which turned out to be the wrong decision, as he was voted out.

That caused Baylor and the rest of America to mouth, "Thank God."

A stunned John Rocker walked off into the jungle as he mumbled, "I had a damn Idol right in my pocket too."

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "It's Reed that is on our team"

The second episode of Survivor: San Juan del Sur began with Josh trying to explain his decision to vote against Baylor in the initial episode, which he explained by saying that he didn't want the guys to know he was actually working with her.

At the same time, while Josh didn't vote with the rest of the guys like he was supposed to, his failure to commit to a side ended up screwing the women over because it helped the men to send Nadiya home.

At the Reward Challenge Natalie saw that her sister Nadiya had been sent home, which caused her to get even fatter.

Amazing Race competitor Natalie had to kiss her twin sister Nadiya goodbye, or maybe it was Nadiya kissing Natalie...In the end, nobody gave a shit. 

The competition was once again a one-on-one challenge, with the winner's tribe getting fishing gear.

John Rocker ended up playing against his stripper girlfriend, Julie, in a balance maze, in which they had to maneuver a ball on a platform over several obstacles and then roll their balls into various holes.

And as a stripper, Julie had not problem maneuvering over poles and jamming balls into holes, which sent her man John Rocker to Exile Island.

Explaining what it felt like to beat misogynistic dude Julie said, "I know I'm good at some things, but he's really good at a lot of things," before she sent a black dude, Jeremy, to Exile Island along with her racist man.

Wes blabbed about how John was really "John Rocker," or as shocked Dale gasped, "Was he the guy that got ran out of the friggin' league (for being racist)?"

That caused someone to blurt out, "It better be a big freakin' island."

John was visibly disgusted when Jeff Probst made it a point to note how he lost to his girlfriend. That caused John to bemoan, "drop the friend, I lost to a girl."

After winning the Reward Challenge and fishing gear, Reed, the resident gay guy for Coyopa, offered to trade Coyopa's beans for Hunahtu's flint since Coyopa had lost their flint and ability to make fire.

However, before Hunahtu could answer, an angry Jeff Probst jumped in and called Reed and Coyopa out, basically saying that if they didn't trade the fishing gear that they just won, he'd make sure the price for fire went up.

The Immunity Challenge turned out to be a sumo style battle where each tribe sent a member to square off one on one to try and knock their opponent off of a floating platform.

And while it was kind of unfair for Survivor to sent an admitted steroid user like John Rocker out to battle, Jon Mish literally beat the ever-loving shit out of him.

Better yet, even though her tribe won, John Rocker's girlfriend Julie looked at him like he was a giant pussy for losing to Jon Mish...but at least he was white. 

In a mother vs. daughter match between Misty and Baylor, Misty either had no motherly instinct, or put it aside.

"All I have to do is put a different face on her, and I'm going to kill her." Sure enough, both said that they were visualizing one of Misty's exes for the challenge, and for Baylor, it was the one who sexually molested her.

As it turned out, Misty split Baylor's lip right off the get go, who started crying and dropped her pad.

Baylor Wilson: This picture wasn't even from when she was on Survivor, it was from when she dated Brandon Hantz.

For the first time in her life Misty had her motherly instinct kick in and forgot about her ex(es), and basically refused to finish her daughter off even though she was hurting and dropped her pad.

That allowed Baylor to regain her composure and defeat her mother, who did not seem to put up much of a fight after her initial last to Baylor's face.

In a battle of the gay boyfriends between Reed and Josh, Drew from Hunahtu yelled out, "Go Josh," only to have Jon remind him, "It's Reed that is on our team."

Reed Kelly: To be fair to Drew, all gay people kind of look alike.

Reed wound up on top, which would seem to make him dominant one.

Then again, Reed Kelly used to date Clay Aiken.

With the result ending up tied, Kelley ended up redeeming herself in a rematch against beauty queen Jaclyn to win Immunity for Hunahtu.

Despite getting his ass whooped by a Yankee at the Immunity Challenge, John Rocker came back to camp and found the Immunity Idol for Coyopa after getting a clue for it while he was at Exile Island.

After Jeremy had John vow to protect his wife Vale, for some reason Val told John that she already had two Idols, one for her, and one for Jaclyn.

After blabbing about Val's claim, John Rocker tried his best to hold true to his word by telling Val that the rest of the tribe was going to split their votes between her and Baylor, and that she should probably play her Idol.

Of course, Val didn't really have an Idol, and while John Rocker technically kept his word to Jeremy, he knew that, and still acted like a douche.

That caused Val to say, "This is like an Oscar winning moment. I don't have an Idol, but it really doesn't matter," assuming that a vote split would mean that she'd be safe.

On the other hand, Josh was not happy when he saw John walk off to talk to Val alone, since it's not in John Rocker's character to talk to black people for no reason, and Josh questioned splitting the vote.

At Tribal Council, Val threw Baylor under the bus for playing both sides, saying she promised to vote with the girls but ended up siding with the guys.

I guess that was a bit of gamesmanship, because Val and Baylor ended up tied 4-4 in the initial vote, which lead to a re-vote.

Upon the re-vote, John Rocker switched his vote to Val since she didn't play her Idol like he told her to, which ultimately lead to Val getting voted out.