Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "Are you even gay?"

This week we rejoined the house in the aftermath of Hayden's eviction, which left his girlfriend Nicole freaking the fuck out.

The normally passive Nicole even went so far as to confront her former best friend Christine for misleading her as to what was going to happen, which almost lead to an angry pillow fight.

Zach, trying way to hard to make himself a villain, tried to push Nicole's buttons proclaiming out loud, "I'm happy, I voted to evict Nicole's boyfriend!"

Even Frankie tried to chime in by calling Nicole untrustworthy, and tried to say that she threw him under the bus by outing him when she targeted Zach.

I'm pretty sure that Nicole wasn't the one who "outed" Frankie Grande.

The HOH was a tournament styled competition where the contestants had to answer questions after quickly glancing at an optometrist styled eye chart with encrypted information.

Sure enough, the embattled Nicole ended up winning HOH, along with her best friend/enemy/frenemy, Christine. 

Even though she was the HOH, for some reason Nicole outed her alliance with Cody and Derrick upon talking with Zach, who didn't try to hide the fact that he didn't like her.

On the plus side, Caleb volunteered to go up as a pawn for Nicole against Frankie for having a hand in getting Amber out of the house.

When it was Christine who ended up nominating Zach along with Donny, Zach stood up and pointed at Christine and Frankie yelling, "You're a huge fucking liar, and you're a huge fucking liar. I'm going to leave it at that. Fuck both of you."

In order to promote Thursday Night Football on CBS, the BOB Competition required the two teams to work together and use ropes to raise a ball up a board in order to score a touchdown, with the winners also getting a special NFL experience outside of the house.

However, when Frankie outed Caleb for throwing the BOB BEFORE the competition even began, Caleb decided that he wasn't going work with Frankie because he was the one who was responsible for getting his crush, Amber, voted out.

Caleb then sat down and refused to play in the BOB saying, "That's what happens when you break trust and loyalty."

However, somehow Frankie still managed to win a game that was meant for two people all by himself, which caused him to go all "Go-Go Grande."

"That's for your Grandpa! That's for you Ariana (oops)! That's for your mama. Go team Grande!"

Astonishingly, Frankie's win not only took himself off of the block, but Caleb as well.

Knowing that the house was still against him (and after blurting a shout out out to his famous sister upon winning the BOB), Frankie decided to tell the house that he was related to pop star Ariana Grande in order to regain their favor.

After Frankie came clean about his famous family, a dumbfounded Caleb asks the obvious question, "Are you even gay?"

The POV Competition brought back "Otev," this time as the the pissed off penguin, who sounded a lot like Gilbert Godfrey.

Otev would ask the contestants for a drink named after an evicted guest, and they shoot down water slide to find hidden cards with the correct house guest's name and return to the platform, with the last player to return with the correct answer each round getting eliminated.

Zach ended up winning the POV, and while he reconciled with Frankie, he was still looking for a way to back door him...He also wanted to get him out of the house.

Zach also told Victoria about the secret "Detonators" alliance, who in turn freaked out. In turn, Zach freaked out because he realized that he had blabbed to a blabber.

Of course, Zach blamed the whole thing on Nicole, which caused Derrick to confront everyone.

With the house called together, Zach admitted that he lied, which was ironic since he was the one who called out Frankie for being a liar earlier.

At Veto meeting Zach used his POV on himself, which caused Christine to puts up Nicole, her best friend, as a replacement nominee.

And when Nicole was voted out, she had the dubious distinction of going from HOH to evicted in one week.

When Connie Chung asked her who that could happen, Nicole deadpanned, "Because I was a physical beast," drawing laughs from the audience.

However, Nicole clearly had her feelings hurt, and said that the only person left in the house that she wanted to talk to going forward was Donny.

The HOH Competition was based upon an "emergency message" about a Zombie Apocalypse that the competitors had to listen to, and then answer questions about.

With Derrick and Frankie winning HOH, we left off with former contestant Rachel Reilly speaking with Connie and inadvertently giving her a V.D.

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "I'm doing everything I can to fit this bone in the dag gone hole"

With Frankie and Derrick winning the two HOH spots, The Detonators guaranteed Victoria that she's safe.
Victoria Rafaeli: And by safe, they meant free to eat as many non-kosher hot dogs as she could before she went back home to live with her parents. 

Upon seeing Frankie's artifacts from home in his HOH Room, Zach declared,"Frankie's sister is a smoke bomb" (referring to his famous sister, Arianna Grande), while Caleb exclaimed, "She's beautiful!"

The Detonators were essentially forced to nominate one of their own, and with nobody volunteering, they decide to go with a random draw based upon skittle colors.

With Christine's color getting drawn along with Cody's, Derrick nominated Donny and Christine, while Frankie nominates Caleb and Cody.

That was clearly painful to Frankie, or as he said, "All summer both of you have been teasing me with your amazing abs, your perky pecs, your sensual smiles, and your bubble buttocks...Also I picked your candy out of this hat."

Caleb Calafiore: At this point, Frankie Grandie was just using his power in the house to try out cutting edge jock straps. 

The Detonators asked Christine to throw the BOB Competition so they could vote Donny out, which she agreed to do.

The final BOB Competition was the "black box," or a dark room where players have to find bones hidden in the dark, with the first team to find five winning and taking themselves off the block.

That left Caleb confused and saying, "I'm doing everything I can to fit this bone in the dag gone hole."

Caleb Reynolds: The "abdominal douche bag." 

Donny realized Christine is throwing it when he found his team's first four bones, handed another to Christine (which she gave to the other team), and then found the 5th and won the BOB all on his own!

The janitor actually provided some of the best insight of the game all season when he said, "Derrick has blowed smoke up everybody's tail this whole season," even though "blowed" isn't really recognized as a word real outside of North Carolina or a strip club.

As some much needed relief, the Zingbot arrived, but only to throw out compliments to the players.

Then D-List comedian Kathy Griffin arrived to try and fuck Victoria, and if that didn't work, fix the Zingbot.

Some of her better "zings" included:

"Caleb, you and Amber have something in common. You think she's drop dead gorgeous, and she wants you to drop dead." 
"Christine, people think that wearing glasses makes people look smarter. Thanks for disproving that." 
"Victoria, I would zing you, but I'm only supposed to zing people who are actually playing the game."

The POV Competition had the contestants follow a maize to connect cables to a circuit box, light up all four in order to "reboot the Zingbot" and win.

Frankie ended up winning the POV and used it on Caleb in order to replace him with Zach, because the house suspected him of stealing personal items from the house when it was really Team America.

Sadly, Frankie decided to make his replacement nominee a not so Broadway worthy production:

"I'm going to take a page from my best friend Zach Attach, but I'm going to do it better because your shit was kind of whack, I love you so much, and I want for you to stay, but if I don't put you up, I'm going to look cray cray. So Zach my friend, go and have a seat, it's time for you and Julie Chen to finally meet." 

Fortunately, the Zingbot returned to his form of old to put Frankie and the others in their place:

Frankie, that's a nice tan, but I'm surprised you get any sun at all considering how much time you spend in your sister's shadow. 
"Cody, you're such a nice guy, you haven't made any enemies this summer, except for maybe Christine's husband."

Desperate to stay in the game, Zach asked Caleb if it would change his opinion to vote for him if he promised him to never come after him. However, Caleb all but ignored him and said, "No."

In her first victory of the season, Victoria stole her pink hat back from Zach and tore it apart, which caused him much grief.

Or as he yelled, "I need a hat...I need a woman's hat!" That caused Victoria to gloat, "This is the most satisfying thing I've done all summer!"

Sadly, those were both accurate statements.

Knowing that he had to shake up the game, Donny tried to tell Christine that she was at the ass end of "The Detonator" alliance, but to no avail.

Knowing that he was going home, Zach lobbied Frankie and informed him that despite their differences, he was still his best friend, and that he would never put him up.

Sadly, a hand job probably would have worked better.

At the live vote. Zach announced that he'd see Julie soon, asks people to follow him on Facebook for his eviction speech.

And when asked why he was evicted Zach told Connie Chung, "One reason, because I couldn't keep my mouth shut."

Regarding his on again of again flirtation with Frankie Zach said, "He had my game in the palm of his hands," and by game, Zach meant "his penis."

Asked why he acted like such a douche at times Zach explained, "I thought if everyone hates me enough, they would not give me the satisfaction of sending me home. Clearly, that was not the case."

In what was billed as the big twist of the summer, the evicted Jury Members finally competed to return to the game.

That meant that Zach, Hayden, Jocasta and Nicole all got to compete in a seven round battle to slide discs onto a moving turntable, with however ended up with the most discs on the table at the end returning to the Big Brother House.

Fortunately, Nicole ended up winning, which meant that somebody was going to go back into the house and try to shake things up, unlike Jocasta or Zach.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "You fruit loop dingus!"

This week began with Hayden fantasizing over his girlfriend Nicole and her Wiener-tard saying, "We're like Hansel and Gretle."

Of course, Nicole seemed to have no idea what Hayden's wiener related fetish was as she replied, "Come on, I don't even you all these people."

Nicole Franzel: C'mon Nicole, you're almost from Frankenmuth!"

As HOH, Zach wanted to target Amber because "A little birdie on my shoulder" told him she was shooting for the guys.

That caused Zach to turn to Frankie for a hug, or as he said, "That was the best hug I've had in my entire life."

After Caleb realized that you can't unilaterally make a woman your girlfriend outside the South, he began to question his crush, Amber.

"Amber is gettin' a little too big for her britches in this house, and she's forgettin' who's keepin' her in this game."

However, with Caleb being deathly afraid of pickles, Amber dared him, "What if I said I'll go on a date with you if you eat a pickle."

But after Caleb sucked that pickle down like he was Snookie while she was drunk and pregnant, Amber second guessed her offer by
saying, "Next time think before you speak."

That lead to a really awkward and silent date between Caleb and Amber, which Caleb thought went awesome.

On the other hand, Amber wanted nothing more to do with him. "This was my first and last date with Caleb. I'm not interested, I just don't think he realizes it."

Caleb Reynolds: Sadly Amber, guys in Ed Hardy t-shirts never seem to realize it. 

Zach nominated Christine and Nicole for eviction saying, "If we pulled out the Big Brother dictionary and pulled out the word floater, there'd be a picture of you holding hands with Jen City."

He then went on to reference Nicole being a student of the game and said." You fruit loop dingus, I bet you didn't see this coming."

On the other hand, Frankie managed to nominate Jocasta and Victoria without making any reference to either one of them being a "fruit loop dingus."

The Battle of the Block Contest required the contestants to build and giant wedding cake and stand on top of it the fastest.

And while that would have seemed to favor Victoria Rafaeli, we all quickly realized that she may not be marriage material. 

In the end, Christine and Nicole ended up winning, leaving Victoria and Jocasta on the block.

Victoria, like any little rich princess, was less than pleased and pouted, "This sucks, Jocasta and I just lost the Battle of the Block, and to be honestly, it was all her fault."

Zach tried to stir the pot and intentionally ate food in front of the Have-Nots (Hayden, Christine and Nicole) saying, "That's what you get for being lazy."

That caused Zach's biggest ally, Frankie, to say, "If Zach doesn't stop running around terrorizing the country side, the villagers are going to revolt."

After her punishment was over, Nicole stripped off her Wiener-tard, causing Hayden to lose his mind over her wiener purge.

Or as he said, "Nicole is a terrible stripper, but I wouldn't have it any other way...I'm a little bit turned on."

We next learned that Derrick's grandpa died, which made me think that a ridiculous number of grandparents seem to die at work on Fridays on reality TV shows...Just saying.

Finally starting to realize that Amber wasn't into him, Caleb decided to go into "Beast Mode Cowboy," you know, because women respond to that.

"It pisses me off. I can't even look at Amber right now. 'You can't even talk to the king of this house?' No more romantic cowboy in this house!"

Zach, in denial about being gay, slept in the HOH bedroom with Frankie and gave him a back rub, which started out heterosexually enough.
Zach: "Who wants a back rub?!?" 
Frankie: "Me!" 
Zach: "I just like to sleep on you...I'm not gay, but if I was, (Frankie) would be my man for sure."
Frankie: "You'd be having the best sex of your life...Zach, are you going to make a move?"

I guess we'll just have to save that thought until the Jury House...Or maybe next week.

The Veto Competition was a cowboy themed contest where the competitors had to rock a horse to gain enough time to stack 50 gold bars before their time re-set, or go back and rock the horse to get more time.

Victoria proclaimed "All the house guests in the house think that I'm just some princess, but guess what, I'm a warrior princess." She still ended up losing.

Jocasta was obviously feeling a bit sexually frustrated about being away from her man when she said, "I'm making this high enough so Jesus can lay his hands on my blocks, cause lord knows I need his hands laid on me, Hallelujah!"

Hayden ended up winning, mainly because Christine hit her buzzer not realizing that she still had gold bars laying on the ground.

Hayden decided to use the Veto on Victoria, knowing that Frankie's plan was to backdoor Amber.

That caused Zach to say, "I know that we need to get 'Beast Mode Cowboy' on board with back-dooring Amber's pretty little butt this week," which was technically a correct statement, yet wrong in so many ways.

Even though he was being manipulated to think that he needed to go along with putting his crush Amber up for eviction just to "scare her," Caleb declared, "I've got this game in my fingertips."

That cause Frankie to say, "I don't know who's more clueless about what's going to happen this week, Caleb or Amber. I just might be able to pull off a double blindside."

At the Nomination Ceremony, Zach just couldn't leave well enough alone, as he took the stage and put himself on the spot and called Amber out.

"Hold on, I have to say something, I want to say something. Beast Mode Cowboy has saved you twice already in this game. He risked $500K on you, more than all of your boyfriend's have spent on you combined...And then to top it all off he ate a pickle, a freakin' pickle!"

Amber diplomatically chose not to respond. "He wants a reaction out of me, he's not going to get it."

Thursday's live eviction began with Connie Chung saying, "Caleb calls himself a 'hopeless romantic,' but this romance is just plain hopeless."

Mistakenly thinking that he had put Amber on the block just to scare her, Caleb told Amber that the rest of the alliance was on board with the plan to nominate her.

Frankie seemed shocked that Caleb thought he was responsible for Amber's nomination and actually took the blame. "I haven't seen a cowboy cry this much since Brokeback Mountain.

Unable to control her feelings for Caleb, Amber told Christine that she wants him gone Of course, as the most unreliable person in the house, Christine told Frankie, who in turn told Caleb, who in turn stormed off.

That left Caleb to finally see the light that the African American Amber wanted nothing to do with his redneck ass. "It is very clear in my eyes now that I have been blinded since day one."

Sadly, Caleb Reynolds can't understand why a black girl wouldn't like him. 

In their eviction speeches, Jocasta praised God and played the loyalty card, while Amber was much more intellectual and just sat around looking pretty.

After Amber got voted out, in part because of Caleb, Amber told Connie Chung, "I'm sorry I was not interested in him, and I'm not going to pretend to be to win some money," making her the coolest girl to ever appear on a reality TV show.

Caleb Reynolds is going to lose his tiny redneck freakin' mind when he realizes that Amber Borzotra has posed naked. 

Regarding Caleb's infatuation with her Amber asked Connie, "He has my bunny slippers still, can I at least get those back?" To which Connie truthfully replied, "I don't think your getting those back."

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "So basically I'm a badass, the manipulator of this game."

Coyopa began this week's episode as the happiest tribe to ever return from Tribal Council, mainly because they were able to vote John Rocker out of the game.

After Hunahpu had to give up their reward of fishing gear to get fire back after losing their flint two weeks ago, Natalie found it in the sand right next to their fire pit.

That caused Reed to say, "I didn't feel like we were that dumb to leave it in the fire pit."

...Which caused me to ask, "Why were Reed Kelly and Hunahpu so dumb that they didn't even think to dig through their fire pit for their flint before crying to Jeff Probst and having to give up their reward?" And more importantly, "Is this how Reed Kelly met his ex, Clay Aiken?"

At the Reward Challenge, the news that John Rocker had been voted out by Coyopa was met by applause from Hunahpu.

Better yet, Drew informed Jeff Probst that they had found their flint, and had the balls to ask him if they could trade it for half of the fishing gear that they had traded away for their second flint.

And when Jeff pretended to entertain that offer, Jon Misch laughed it off by saying, "I feel like you're taunting us," to which Jeff replied, "I am taunting you, put the flint back, you made the trade."

The Reward Competition itself required one competitor to use a grappling hook to retrieve three bags of balls, and then use a catapult to launch balls into five different baskets.

With the winner getting a choice between comfort supplies like blankets and pillows  or food for a grill out, Jon Misch squared off against his girlfriend, Jaclyn.

In a closer than expected contest between an ex D-I football player and a pageant queen, Jon came from behind to win and sent Jaclyn to Exile Island.

He also chose Drew to join her there, who would have been the last person I would have sent to spend the night alone with my girlfriend.

Even though Jaclyn Schultz rejected him, I'm pretty sure that Drew Christy will still tell his friends that spent the night with "Miss Michigan."

Or as Drew noted, "I've got a pretty Miss Michigan chick out here, but I'm not out here looking for love, definitely not with one of my buddies' girl," as he blatantly stared at her ass when she bent over.

Fortunately for John, Jaclyn laughed after she recalled how Drew's brother had warned her that Drew was a "ladies man."

Keith used his clue, but still couldn't find the Hidden Immunity Idol for Hunahpu.

That left Keith convinced him that Jeremy had already found it after he returned from Exile Island a week earlier, and he told that to anyone who would listen to him.

When news got back to Jeremy, he was pissed that Keith had put him on the spot without even asking him.

Sure enough, Keith kept looking, and then found Hunahpu's Idol. And like any racist from Louisiana, he didn't apologize to Jeremy, or tell anyone else.

The Immunity Challenge required the teams to swim out to and dive off a platform one-by-one to retrieve a floating ring, and then swim back with it so other team members could toss those rings onto a target.

Drew insisted on tossing the rings for Coyopa, and then proceeded to fuck up the challenge, which gave Coyopa their first win.

Of course, Drew had said that he was going to throw the challenge after he arrived from Exile Island so he could "get rid of some of the snakes."

Feeling pretty good about himself, like all wanna be male models do, Drew said, "So basically I'm a bad ass, the manipulator of this game."

After getting voted out Drew Christy said, "I'm obviously a physically and sexual threat to the them (referring to the girls)."

And when he said "getting rid of some of the snakes," Drew decided that the person who needed to go was Kelley, since she was "low key and very observant," just like most snakes.

Of course, nobody else seemed to be on board with that plan, and Jeremy even called him out in front of the rest of the tribe.

Forgetting that she was too fat to be a girl, Natalie proposed that the girls should consider getting rid of Drew.

She then took her plan to Jeremy who said, "Yeah, he's a moron, but that's a big move."

On the other hand, Jeremy wanted to get rid of Keith for personal reasons, even though John also wanted to get rid of his friend Drew.

Socially unaware, Drew rallied the guys by saying, "I'm telling you, let's get Kelley out tonight, and then all these bitches don't know what to do other than come to us. Trust me guys," not even noticing that Kelley was standing right next to him.

At Tribal Council, Jeremy called out Keith for insinuating that he had the Hidden Immunity Idol without even asking him about it first considering that they were supposed to be in an alliance together.

And while Keith tried to downplay what he had told the rest of the tribe, Natalie confirmed that Keith didn't say "I think, he said, 'I tell ya one thing, Jeremy got that Idol.'"

However, like a true manipulator of the game Drew got voted out, which was funny considering that he threw the Immunity Challenge to get rid of some of the snakes...Fortunately for us, he did!

Monday, October 13, 2014

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "I picked the picture with the big wiener, I picked the picture with the small wiener. That wiener mistake burned some valuable time."

This week we rejoined Big Brother with the HOH Competition still in progress.

Nicole and Donny ended up winning the two HOH's, which promised to change the game, assuming that neither of them pussed out.

Knowing that Nicole hated him, Zach stormed off faking to be angry after telling Nicole that he'd be okay if she nominated him as part of what he described as "reverse psychology to make her make a stupid decision," or what I would call, completely over thinking the situation.

Nicole confided to Derrick that her plan was to backdoor Frankie, and while he doesn't agree, he didn't want to rat her out either.

Caleb tried to kiss Donny's ass while threatening him at the same time since he knew he'd be his target after having nominated him in Week 1.

However, Donny wasn't backing down saying, "Caleb told me he would never want to go up on the block with someone like Victoria. He never should have told me that."

Sure enough, Donny nominated Caleb and Victoria, while Nicole put up Jocasta and Zach.

In an all time great nomination speech from Nicole, she called out the wanna-be villain, Zach.

"Zach, I wanted to keep up the tradition of using the "Big Brother Dictionary," so I looked up 'Super Villain,' and I only saw a picture of Evil Dick."

While Zach took offense to being called irrelevant in the game, he also felt confident despite being nominated.

"Nicole doesn't think that I'm the super villain that I actually am, I find that offensive...You can nominate me all you want Nicole, but I know I have my team on my back, and I have numbers to stay."

The Battle of the Block required the nominees to build a path of dominoes to successfully knock down and set off a buzzer.

Knowing that she was outmatched, the ultra religious Jocasta still had a trick or two up her sleeve.

"I have to trust my own alliance. It's the father, the son, and the holy spirit."

God damn it, Jocasta forgot about Tammy Faye Baker...Everyone always forgets about Tammy Faye Baker.

With Victoria actually looking semi competitive a stunned Derrick noted, "It looks like Beast Mode Cowboy brought out Beast Mode Princess. I don't think she's moved like that since Black Friday."

Caleb and Victoria ended up winning, but still had to hit slop for two weeks, which might not have been a bad thing for her figure.

Victoria Rafaeli: Before she went on Big Brother and got fat. 

Additionally, Caleb accepted the punishment of letting Victoria shave his head while they both had to wear "Adam and Eve Tards" in addition to being chained together for two days.

Despite winning, Caleb wasn't happy with his punishments, especially having to get his head shaved.

"Being chained to a nincompoop for 48 hrs, literally having to shave my beautiful hair off my head, and having to eat slop for two more weeks is all a losing factor...With a bald head I look DUMB, I look dumb"

Yep, Caleb Reynolds only looks "dumb" because Victoria shaved his head.

However, Frankie stroked Caleb's ego, amongst other things, when he said, "Caleb, I'm going to want to have sex with you more than I already do."

In fact, Frankie was pretty much drooling when Victoria took the razor to Caleb's racist locks.

"It was hot. Watching a practically naked man get shaved and that vibrating clipper passes through his thick nest of manly hair."

Frankie Grande: Well, at least someone in the house is attracted to Caleb Reynolds.

For some reason, Christine told her supposed BFF Nicole that Hayden and Victoria made out, even though she had no idea whether they really did or not, which they didn't.

Meanwhile, Zach couldn't stop calling people "Fruit loop dingus."

The POV Competition had the competitors match comics based on the house guests based on very short sneak peak that they received while zip lining past a window.

However the comic choices were slightly different for each person, so you they had to pay real close attention.

For example, Nicole didn't realize that she was riding a giant wiener in her comic. "I picked the picture with the big wiener, I picked the picture with the small wiener. That wiener mistake burned some valuable time."

Nicole Franzel may not have appreciated them when she arrived in the Big Brother house, but she definitely left the game with an affinity for wieners. Frankenmuth baby!

Christine ended up winning the POV, which Nicole wanted her to use it so she could backdoor Frankie.

However, Christine betrayed her friend and elected not to use the veto, which put the target on Zach, unbeknownst to him.

However, Frankie got freaked out when he saw Derrick, Cody and Zach all whispering. Derrick tried to dispel his concern by saying that Zach was playing both sides, and saying that they should "get him out now."

Shows that he was loyal to Frankie, Derrick still got what he wanted, as "The Detonators" re-bonded, and decided to keep Zach in order to keep their numbers.

In the end Jocasta eliminated, who was cool with it because, "That's what God wanted."

In what turned out to be a double eviction night, it was revealed that there would only be a single HOH for just the next eviction.

Connie Chung also informed the contestants that "Just because you're out of the house, doesn't mean you're out of the game."

The impromptu HOH was a math question Q & A  based on events in the house in the form of "More," "Less," or "Exactly" answers.

Caleb ended up winning HOH, and immediately nominated Hayden and Donny.

The Power of Veto Competition was also held, which required the players to retrieve 3 rubber duckies out of a huge vat of blue balls, or as Paola would have called them, her ex-boyfriends' nuts.

Donny was a surprise winner and took himself off the block. That caused Caleb to put Nicole up against her boyfriend Hayden as his replacement nominee, and Hayden was evicted.

Hayden took his eviction in good spirits though, telling Connie, "I got boned...I thought I had it so good."

He also shed some light on his relationship with Nicole saying, "I'm single in L.A., she's a country girl ready to get married, so..."

I guess you can figure out the math on that one.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "If you were a man, I'd knock your teeth out!"

This week began with John Rocker attempting to justify that he held his word when he told Jeremy he'd protect his wife by telling Val to play her Immunity Idol.

And while Val didn't really have one Idol, let alone the two Idols as she had told him, John Rocker made sure that he had told the rest of the Coyopa Tribe knew that she had secretly told him that she did.

At Hunahpu, Drew decided it was more important to take a nap than help build his camp, which put him under fire from the rest of the tribe for his work ethic, or lack thereof.

Or as Jeremy said, "I was planning on taking him along with me because he's a moron, but I'm not going to be able to."

Drew Christy has aspired to be on Survivor ever since he was on Beverly Hills 90210.

At the Reward Challenge, Jeremy was shocked to see that his wife, Val, had been voted out last week.

After an angry Jeremy called out the men at Coyopo, John Rocker acknowledged that he tried to help Val, but simply couldn't get the votes together to save her.

That infuriated Josh and the rest of Coyopo, who saw John Rocker as trying to work with the enemy.

He didn't earn any points with Jeremy either, who saw John Rocker as breaking his word by failing to protect his wife as he had promised.

John Rocker: I mean, who wouldn't trust a homophobe wearing a see-through blouse?

The Reward Challenge itself was once again a one-on-one contest to maneuver six different tiles with a pole over a balance beam, and then stack them on top of each other, one by one.

With Wes playing Keith in a father vs. son challenge, Wes defeated his father for Coyopa's first win, which gave them the fishing gear that Hunahpu won, but gave up last week to get fire after they lost their flint.

Wes ended up sending the openly gay Josh to Exile Island with his dad, which was only slightly less uncomfortable for Keith than when Jeremy sent him to Exile Island with his African American wife, Val.

However, Josh and Keith seemed to get off to a good start with Josh saying, "I think people would be shocked at how well Keith and I get along, you know, a Louisiana hick and a gay guy from New York."

Keith was a little less enthusiastic about their relationship, and when I say "enthusiastic," I mean homophobic.

"He seems like a good ole' boy, just not my good ole' boy...Josh will be one side of the fire, I'll be on my side...I just don't see a lot of "Josh's" down in Louisiana (laughing)."

That doesn't mean that Keith didn't want to see a bunch of Josh's down in Louisiana, he jut didn't see many of them down there...Aside from his "dead gay son," Wes. 

Back at Hunahpu, Jeremy outed John Rocker for not only running the show, but for his bigoted comments when he played for the Braves, which sent John's girlfriend Julie running off into the woods in tears.

Deep down inside, John Rocker is really a good guy...Just so long as you're white. 

The Immunity Challenge saw each tribe send pairs tethered together to navigate an obstacle course to get to a ball, and shoot it into a hoop, with the first tribe getting to three winning.

We Alec crashed into Julie at an intersection Jeremy shouted out, "They just smashed your girl John!"

John went next and got even by intentionally threw his hip into one of Hunahpu's girls, Reed,

Go figure, a gay guy from New York and his boyfriend helped contribute to John Rocker's demise on Survivor. 

Jon Misch ended up wining Immunity for Hunahpu as Natalie yelled at Coyopa to "Change it up," while calling John Rocker out as a racist.

But instead of staying quiet as his tribe mates urged, John yelled back, "If you were a man I'd knock your teeth out."

John Rocker Survivor: "If you were a man, I'd knock your teeth out!"

For Coyopa, Baylor remained worried that she would be the target even though John Rocker lost his cool and disrespected women, which seemed to fuel her even more to try and stay in the game.

And while John Rocker told the girls that he wanted to blindside Dale, he really wanted to vote out Baylor. To sell his plan to Josh and the guys, he also revealed that he had an Idol, which made them consider listening to him.

On the other hand, after Josh learned that some of John Rocker's controversial comments here homophobic, he no longer wanted to keep him around as a shield to draw votes away from himself.

"Ooh, I don't think I want to be an ally with this person, because they stand for so many things that I'm against, and in John' case, if I don't have to use him, I don't want to."

Josh then lead a plan to vote out John Rocker, telling Baylor that John Rocker was planning on blindsiding her.

Of course, at Tribal Council Jaclyn tipped John Rocker off that some of the other guys were starting to turn on their "all guy" alliance.

But John Rocker elected not to play his Immunity Idol, even though he feigned getting up to play it, which turned out to be the wrong decision, as he was voted out.

That caused Baylor and the rest of America to mouth, "Thank God."

A stunned John Rocker walked off into the jungle as he mumbled, "I had a damn Idol right in my pocket too."

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "It's Reed that is on our team"

The second episode of Survivor: San Juan del Sur began with Josh trying to explain his decision to vote against Baylor in the initial episode, which he explained by saying that he didn't want the guys to know he was actually working with her.

At the same time, while Josh didn't vote with the rest of the guys like he was supposed to, his failure to commit to a side ended up screwing the women over because it helped the men to send Nadiya home.

At the Reward Challenge Natalie saw that her sister Nadiya had been sent home, which caused her to get even fatter.

Amazing Race competitor Natalie had to kiss her twin sister Nadiya goodbye, or maybe it was Nadiya kissing Natalie...In the end, nobody gave a shit. 

The competition was once again a one-on-one challenge, with the winner's tribe getting fishing gear.

John Rocker ended up playing against his stripper girlfriend, Julie, in a balance maze, in which they had to maneuver a ball on a platform over several obstacles and then roll their balls into various holes.

And as a stripper, Julie had not problem maneuvering over poles and jamming balls into holes, which sent her man John Rocker to Exile Island.

Explaining what it felt like to beat misogynistic dude Julie said, "I know I'm good at some things, but he's really good at a lot of things," before she sent a black dude, Jeremy, to Exile Island along with her racist man.

Wes blabbed about how John was really "John Rocker," or as shocked Dale gasped, "Was he the guy that got ran out of the friggin' league (for being racist)?"

That caused someone to blurt out, "It better be a big freakin' island."

John was visibly disgusted when Jeff Probst made it a point to note how he lost to his girlfriend. That caused John to bemoan, "drop the friend, I lost to a girl."

After winning the Reward Challenge and fishing gear, Reed, the resident gay guy for Coyopa, offered to trade Coyopa's beans for Hunahtu's flint since Coyopa had lost their flint and ability to make fire.

However, before Hunahtu could answer, an angry Jeff Probst jumped in and called Reed and Coyopa out, basically saying that if they didn't trade the fishing gear that they just won, he'd make sure the price for fire went up.

The Immunity Challenge turned out to be a sumo style battle where each tribe sent a member to square off one on one to try and knock their opponent off of a floating platform.

And while it was kind of unfair for Survivor to sent an admitted steroid user like John Rocker out to battle, Jon Mish literally beat the ever-loving shit out of him.

Better yet, even though her tribe won, John Rocker's girlfriend Julie looked at him like he was a giant pussy for losing to Jon Mish...but at least he was white. 

In a mother vs. daughter match between Misty and Baylor, Misty either had no motherly instinct, or put it aside.

"All I have to do is put a different face on her, and I'm going to kill her." Sure enough, both said that they were visualizing one of Misty's exes for the challenge, and for Baylor, it was the one who sexually molested her.

As it turned out, Misty split Baylor's lip right off the get go, who started crying and dropped her pad.

Baylor Wilson: This picture wasn't even from when she was on Survivor, it was from when she dated Brandon Hantz.

For the first time in her life Misty had her motherly instinct kick in and forgot about her ex(es), and basically refused to finish her daughter off even though she was hurting and dropped her pad.

That allowed Baylor to regain her composure and defeat her mother, who did not seem to put up much of a fight after her initial last to Baylor's face.

In a battle of the gay boyfriends between Reed and Josh, Drew from Hunahtu yelled out, "Go Josh," only to have Jon remind him, "It's Reed that is on our team."

Reed Kelly: To be fair to Drew, all gay people kind of look alike.

Reed wound up on top, which would seem to make him dominant one.

Then again, Reed Kelly used to date Clay Aiken.

With the result ending up tied, Kelley ended up redeeming herself in a rematch against beauty queen Jaclyn to win Immunity for Hunahtu.

Despite getting his ass whooped by a Yankee at the Immunity Challenge, John Rocker came back to camp and found the Immunity Idol for Coyopa after getting a clue for it while he was at Exile Island.

After Jeremy had John vow to protect his wife Vale, for some reason Val told John that she already had two Idols, one for her, and one for Jaclyn.

After blabbing about Val's claim, John Rocker tried his best to hold true to his word by telling Val that the rest of the tribe was going to split their votes between her and Baylor, and that she should probably play her Idol.

Of course, Val didn't really have an Idol, and while John Rocker technically kept his word to Jeremy, he knew that, and still acted like a douche.

That caused Val to say, "This is like an Oscar winning moment. I don't have an Idol, but it really doesn't matter," assuming that a vote split would mean that she'd be safe.

On the other hand, Josh was not happy when he saw John walk off to talk to Val alone, since it's not in John Rocker's character to talk to black people for no reason, and Josh questioned splitting the vote.

At Tribal Council, Val threw Baylor under the bus for playing both sides, saying she promised to vote with the girls but ended up siding with the guys.

I guess that was a bit of gamesmanship, because Val and Baylor ended up tied 4-4 in the initial vote, which lead to a re-vote.

Upon the re-vote, John Rocker switched his vote to Val since she didn't play her Idol like he told her to, which ultimately lead to Val getting voted out.