Friday, August 8, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "Just because I wasn't shoving his dick in my mouth"

This week we rejoined Big Brother with the HOH Competition in progress.

That competition consisted of teams of two trying to manipulate twelve eggs from one end of a chicken wire screen to the other using nothing but their hands.

Caleb was especially frustrated saying, "Check this out, I've got man hands, and this competition is killing me."

And by "man hands," Caleb meant his stubbly little fingers. And ladies, you all know what that means about Caleb...He drives a Camaro.

With Caleb's fingers preventing him from going into "beast mode," Cody and Frankie both won HOH.

The remaining loyal members of the Bomb Squad (Frankie, Zach, Derrick, Caleb and Christine) decided to form a five person alliance which they decided to call "The Detonators."

Proving that he might not be a total douche bag, Cody told Hayden and Frankie, "As sad as this is, like I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing anything in this house with a girl."

However, Hayden, who's honest but not douchey, had another take on getting busy on camera. "Dude, honestly if it was under the covers, I'd go at it."

But Cody proved that he was actually thinking about the girl when he responded, "The thing is, the parents are watching."

From there, things took a turn for the worse.

Frankie volunteered, "I'd rather just think about Zac Efron, like I do everyday," which wasn't at all surprising since he's gay.

What was Surprising was Cody enthusiastically adding, "He is, the man. That is literally my man crush...Zac Efron is the man because this guy has probably got the most swag, he's completely shredded, he's hilarious."

Hayden took the awkwardness up a notch when he said, "You know who my man crush is? Leonardo Dicaprio," but to his credit, Leo is slightly more feminine than Nicole.

Meanwhile, Brittany tried to sell her position for staying in the game to Frankie as "the girl who doesn't throw myself at Cody."

As the only gay man who doesn't gossip Frankie said, "Brittany is telling me all of this information in confidence, so obviously I will keep it completely to myself, because this is Big Brother...Just kidding, I'm going to go tell Cody right now!"

After hearing from Frankie, Cody was offended that Brittany would even think that girls flirting with him would influence his nominations...Guys like Zac Efron? Now that's another issue.

Like any true Southern gentleman, Caleb became irate when Amber shut the door so she could talk to Cody without Caleb listening in on them.

Or as Caleb said, "That's pushin' my buttons man! It's stuff like that why, that's why, THAT'S WHY, I don't trust in women...I'm over that."

Caleb Reynolds, a/k/a "The Abdominal Douche Bag."

While it was announced that there would be no "Have-Nots" for the week, it forced everyone in the house to share their beds.

However, nobody wanted to sleep with Victoria, who for some reason had convinced herself that she was hot.  

If you saw Victoria Rafaeli from afar on a beach, you might think she was hot...But you'd be wrong.

Or as Brittany said, "When it comes to bedtime Victoria is high maintenance. She's just a ton of work and keeps you up at night, so nobody wants to sleep with her."

That caused Victoria to come to the realization, "No one wants to sleep with me in the bed. Who knew? I'm just so hurt by everyone, and I'm honestly over it, I don't trust anyone in the game," clearly suggesting that she wasn't "over it."

Things got worse than sleeping alone for Victoria, as Caleb nominated her for eviction along with Brittany, while Frankie nominated Jocasta and Amber.

Fortunately for Victoria, who was their primary target, Brittany was insulted over being nominated along with Victoria, whom she considered the weakest player in the house.

Instead of going with the flow and using Victoria's lack of respect in the house against her, Brittany lost her fucking mind.

And when Brittany complained, "I trusted Cody and look what I got, just because I wasn't shoving his dick in my mouth," Zach said, "There's nothing her or her boobs can do to save her."

Sure what Zach Rance said was sexist, but it was also true...Plus he likes cheeseburgers. 

The BOB Competition was a chess themed game, where the contestants dress up like they were at a medieval re-enactment.

That required the competitors to take turns stepping on and crossing off giant chess board squares as a Knight would move until they could no longer move to a previously unoccupied space.

Jocasta declared, "My strategy is to pray, because prayer is the only thing that will help us win."

She then immediately proceeded to trap herself in a corner and was eliminated from the contest...Glory be on high.

Victoria didn't understand how to move like a Knight in chess, which apparently isn't the same thing as taking selfies of your chess...I mean chest.

Victoria Rafaeli: I'm starting to sense that being an orthodox Jew is kind of like being  Catholic these days...That is, minus the 12-year-old boys.

Sure enough, Victoria also trapped herself, allowing Jocasta and Amber to win. That caused Jocasta to quiver and start speaking in tongues, apparently in a tribute to all the girls she used to have sex with.

Chess is a helluva game.

Talking about his military surveillance skills, Caleb walked into the HOH room while Caleb was petting on Amber.

That caused Caleb to walk away and mutter, "And what do you know, home-skillet has his hands (on her) once again...something, something, "beast mode cowboy."

However, when Caleb told Zach, "It's like a kick in the nut, and punch in the nose," Zach had the balls to say, "Caleb, I got a secret for you, she's not into you man!"

He went on to say, "Caleb is a love struck, fruit loop, dingus, foolagain...I would love to send him right back to Kentucky where he belongs."

Sadly, while I live in Kentucky, Caleb Reynolds isn't originally from there, but I'll agree with Zach that he probably does belong there. 

At the POV Competition, Brittany chose Caleb to compete on her behalf by saying, "I only picked you because you look yummy in that shirt."

Of course, that's the same Brittany who basically accused the other girls of sucking Cody off to stay in the game, which lead everyone to ask, "Who's putting somebody's dick in their mouth now?" #BrittanyLearnedHowToPlay.

In a soccer themed POV, the contestants had to launch soccer ball towards net that was slotted with various points.

While the lowest point total was eliminated each round, each eliminated contestant received a prize, which was subject to being traded for by a player who went out of the game later.

While Caleb ended up winning the contest, he received a punishment in the form of a "German-Tard."

Spaten Beer Girls: All women should be required to wear "German-Tards."

However, as the winner he was able to trade that punishment for any other prize that a contestant received.

However, instead of trading it for the POV, which Victoria was holding, he decided to trade it for the $5K in cash that Nicole had won.

Sadly, as a former soccer player, Cody received a punishment for his poor finish in the soccer themed POV Competition, which basically required him to take it up the ass, which he was clearly accustomed to since he played soccer.

Apparently attracted to shiny things, Victoria revealed her excitement to have walked away with the POV necklace. "I'm a jewelry girl, and I love accessories."

That left Brittany furious that Caleb blew a chance to save her and selfishly took the money instead.

Cody was equally upset, and wanted to put Caleb up as his replacement nominee for Victoria, but Frankie urged Cody to "stick to the plan Rose," in reference to targeting someone who was not a friend with the Detonators Alliance as Caleb was considered to be.

In regards to his nominations, Cody told Donny that he wouldn't put him up, saying something like, "If I didn't put Caleb up my brother would call me the biggest pussy."

However, when all was said and done, Cody's Replacement Nominee for Victoria was Donny.

Donny clearly wasn't happy, and even went as far as to say, "bless his heart," which I think was his way of cursing. 

Cody, feeling awful for having been manipulated by others to put Donny up instead of Caleb had no trouble cursing saying, "I feel like such a bitch."

However, Donny was never in any real trouble, as Brittany was eliminated. And while the vote was unanimous, Brittany still mouthed "Wow" as Connie Chung announced the results.

After Brittany was eliminated, we saw footage from Hayden and Nichole's families regarding their budding romance.

With that we were treated with Nicole's little cousin saying, "Hayden is a little weird I think."

And when she was asked "Why," she didn't miss a beat and said, "Because, um, I don't know, he always tries to have sex with Nicole."

However, we were left wondering whether Hayden and Nicole actually got it on, as we saw footage of her asking him in bed, "Are you over it now that the chase is over?"

Then again, with Nicole's dick tease of a personality, she probably just let him kiss her. 

The episode concluded with a "Country Hits" HOH Competition, where the competitor squared off two at a time and tried to identify which past competition a made up country song was referring to.

With Frankie having just found out from the producers that his Grandpa had passed away, Derrick threw the Competition so Frankie could win one of the HOH spots and get to see pictures of his "Paw Paw."

Zach won the second HOH, which put his alliance with Frankie square in the driver's seat moving forward. 

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "The back door's the only door!"

After a rough week as HOH where his alliance refused to go along with his plan to backdoor Zach, Devin decided that his best move would be to pout and rat out his once secret eight person "Bomb Squad" alliance to the rest of the house.

Knowing that he had become a target, Devin renounced his membership in the "Bomb Squad" but volunteered to be nominated for eviction as a sign of "goodwill."

Of course, being nominated would have given Devin two chances to take himself off the block through the BOB and POV Competitions, but the rest of the Bomb Squad saw right through his not so clever ploy. 

After Devin's defection, Christine also privately declared that she was done with Bomb Squad, telling her best friend Nicole about her affiliation with the alliance.

Strangely, Nicole's response didn't have anything to do with her best friend in the house having been in a secret alliance without having mentioned it to her.

Instead, Nicole responded by saying, "Bomb Squad? That's a stupid name." Well, okay then.

Derrick wisely used Caleb's feelings for Amber to convince him to volunteer himself as nominee, so he could show her how much he cared for her by throwing the BOB and keeping her safe.

Of course, Amber is black, and Caleb was busted having referred to President Obama as a "monkey" on his Twitter account, so that probably was not the best use of chivalrous act that Caleb could come up with.

Even Caleb seemed to know deep down inside that his efforts were misguided.

"This is crazy. My sister's probably like sitting at home wondering why, 'Seriously, why Amber?'"

But he still couldn't seem to get over himself saying, "At the same time she's probably thinking, 'Dude, if he does that, she needs to marry that guy.'"

I know it's a new thing, but someone might want to break it to Caleb Reynolds that outside of the south, African American women actually get a say in who they mate with.

When Donny told Amber about Caleb's plan to throw the competition, that made Caleb, Nicole and Derrick think that Donny was the one who needed to go home, making him a target as their potential fourth nominee.

Sure enough, Nicole nominated Amber and Donny, while Derrick nominated Jocasta and Caleb.

Upon realizing his potential fate, or maybe just declaring a personal sexual preference, Devin blurted out, "The back door's the only door!"

After reflecting on things, Nicole had reservations about nominating Donny, and even cried when she tried to apologize to him.

True to his good guy form, Donny started crying too, and actually ended up consoling Nicole over her decision to to nominate him.

In the super lame "Team America" twist, the secret, but contrived alliance, was asked to convince the house that one of their fellow players was a relative of former player.

Given Zach's strong Adam's apple and the fact that he was from South Florida, Team America decided to try and convince the house that he was cousins with last year's 3rd most racist cast mate, Amanda Zuckerman.

Strangely, Zach fully embraced that rumor, even though it wasn't true, was it?

The BOB Competition was a Harry Potter inspired contest, where the two teams of nominees had to run across the yard to gather puzzle pieces and then hand them to their teammate as they lifted him/her by wire up to a board to try and solve it.

Donny seemingly had an advantage, proclaiming that while he liked puzzles, they were usually "Puzzles that are in the newspaper or the back of a cereal box."

Of course, Donny intentionally forgot to mention the part where he was really good at solving the really tough puzzles on the back of the menus at his local Applebees.

Frankie then declared, "I took a lot of classes on wand," although that comment had nothing to do with the BOB Competition, or Harry Potter. 

With Caleb holding true to his word to throw the competition for Amber, Donny and Amber ultimately ended up winning and were able to remove themselves from the block.

Still in their competition wardrobes, Hayden told Nicole. "Normally the princess has to kiss the frog, but with you rocking that thing (a frog suit), the prince might have to make the move."

That caused all of the girls to collectively go, "Awwww!"

That is, all of them except for Nicole, who still seemed to be functioning on a middle school social and intellectual level.

Cody, not Caleb, ended up giving Amber a massage, which didn't go over well at all with overly jealous and possessive Beast Mode Cowboy.

Or as Cody said, "I feel like I get death stares from Caleb for talking to you," to which Amber replied, "It's driving me crazy, because I don't like Caleb like that."

Sure enough, Caleb was listening to that conversation and came storming out of his bedroom. When Cody said, "You pass out?" Caleb just said, "No," and kept on walking...Awkward!

That seemed to drive a rift between Cody and Caleb.

Or as Cody said, "There's Caleb pissed off, looking like he heard our entire conversation...All I'm thinking here is that we definitely might have a big problem."

Sure enough, Caleb confirmed that his feelings were starting to get in the way of his game play.

"My buddy Cody, you know, a member of my alliance, is trying to, you know, put his hands on old girl. Check this out home-skillet, if you try to move in on my queen, the king, beast mode cowboy, is going to have to step up!"

However, knowing that Caleb was going to go after him, Cody approached Caleb and told him, "You're a good looking guy, I'm a good looking guy," which lead to the two of them wrapping their arms around each other and tongue kissing. #ProblemSolved.

The POV Competition was a casino style event, where the players squared off two at a time inside giant inflatable dice, and had to walk them on to a platform the fastest to land a specific number. 

After several wins by Devin, he was defeated by Donny. That Devin caused Devin to say, "I still don't think you are who you say you are."
And while that was false, Frankie still, while Donny seemed dumbfounded that he won.

"I'm not good with patterns, numbers, none of that. My mom always says, son, you might not be the brightest crayon in the box, but at least you're in the box."

Not a part of what was the main alliance, Donny used the POV on Jocasta, who sat out sick. "A friend in need is a friend indeed."

Of course, when Jocasta woke up and found out she broke down crying and wailed. "I'm so used to giving, but now I get to receive," which I guess makes Donny an unselfish lover.

According to plan, Derrick's replacement nominee was Devin.

Still dumb to the fact that black girls don't like racist white guys, Caleb gave Amber his covers in the "Have-Not" ice room saying, "I think in the end of the day I'll win a date with her."

Frankie seemed pissed with Caleb's infatuation with Amber saying, "Caleb is so blinded by Amber, that he has no idea that people are making moves around him."

Victoria decided that she would join the show by walking out in the back yard and shouting, "Show us what your name is!" Hilariously, that caused Hayden to say, "No seriously, what is your name?"

Big Brother homophobe Jeff Shroeder met with Donny's family and we learned that they don't watch the show, and instead go to bed.

We did learn that Donny's dad likes Bonanza, and that his mom doesn't like him to wear shorts.

And when Jeff asked, What's your first taste of Big Brother, do you like it? Donny's mom sternly replied, "No, I don't."

Worse yet, when Donny said he had a one armed brother, I always thought that his good arm would have been more than a nub.

Or as Donny said, "He don't have a left arm, he only have a right arm, and it don't look like this."

Donny Thompson on Big Brother...The South frightens me.

On the other hand, while Donny's girl friend isn't hot in a traditional sense, he still out kicked his coverage.

Donny Thompson's girlfriend: Then again, it is the south.

In the end, Devin was unanimously voted out. 
Upon meeting with Connie Chung, Devin immediately questioned Donny.

"I see he wears that Harvard Medical sweat shirt, I think he has something to do with Harvard. He wears all that camou gear, what does he do?"

Sure enough, Connie responded by confirming, "He is a grounds keeper," much to Devin's chagrin.

And while Devin had criticize the game of Joey, Zach sent him a going home message that said, "You're possibly the worst player in BB history, because your social game was god awful."

As M.C. Hammer would say..."Proper."

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "If you weren't in love with me, I'm not sure why you made love to me"

This week The Bachelorette resumed in the Dominican Republic with an actual episode, as opposed to a "shocking" Q & A session which really just repackaged some old footage.

Better yet, the two remaining guys had to win over Andi's racist father, Hy, in attempts to win her hand.

Even had I been an Andi fan, that probably would have been a deal breaker for me.

And that's without the guys having to sort through the brain fuck they had to experience when they realized that the girl they thought they loved and her bald 300 pound father had the exact same eyes and perfectly egg shaped heads.

First up was Nick, who wasn't too cocky for Hy, but he might have been a little too, how should I say this...Northern?

Nick seemed to know that he was bombing with Andi's parents.

"This date is not going as well as I had hoped...The worst thing that could happen is that they'll think that I'm a jackass."

However, after a relatively brief discussion, Hy sold the right to propose to his daughter in return for some good southern whiskey.

Next up was Josh, who Andi hyped up as the local star athlete from the University of Georgia, which had to make Hy's adult diapers just a little bit damper than they already were.

However, Josh didn't necessarily get off on the best foot either. Or as Hy noted, "He's sweating, he's so nervous. This poor guy doesn't have a prayer."

Worse yet, Andi's mom referred to their introduction as, "This loud guy walks in." Fortunately for Josh though, she didn't put two and two together and recognize that he wasn't really a Southerner.

At least we didn't hear Josh Murray tell Andi's family that he was really from Florida, and not the South.

Like Nick, Josh also asked Andi's dad Hy for permission to marry his daughter, who found him sincere enough to grant his approval, especially since Juan Pablo lowered the bar of "whiteness" for him last season.

After Andi's parents got their screen time, Josh got Andi's first "final date," and Andi definitely seemed to be favoring him, at least as far as I could read between the lines.

Specifically, Andi took Josh on a romantic boat ride and kept asking, "Is this too good to be true?" almost as if she was unable to find any fault in their relationship.

To top things off, Josh made Andi her own baseball card, just to remind her that he used to be a low level pro athlete, with her name on the card listed as "The Murray's," and many fun facts about their relationship and a disgusting stick of bubblegum adhered to the back.

They then proceeded to make out until Josh's tongue started to chafe. FYI, Andi's tongue didn't chafe because of all the practice she had making out with the other guys.

Nick got the follow up date, but his fate looked to be sealed when Andi seemed to stand noticeably far away from him even though he was trying to hold hands with her.

It was also telling that Andi took Nick off-roading in what was more of a fun date (at least for southerners), instead of a romantic date like the one she took Josh on.

During their date Nick rambled on over a toast before Andi cut him off by saying "Cheers," and Nick said, "I know, that was terrible."

But while Nick seemed nervous, Andi kept telling him, "It's going to be alright," making it seem like he was back in the running, or at least making him think that he was.

Nick then recovered from his stupor to give Andi a necklace with some of the sand from the beach where either they first kissed or he said he loved her...Either way, you get the point.

That caused Andi to say about Nick, "There is definitely a mental/intellectual connection," which was her indirect way of saying that 'Josh is dumb.'

After obligatory shots where Andi walked out in her nightie...

Nick opened the door shirtless...

And Josh primped himself half naked in the mirror...

Andi declared to Chris Harrison that she had made up her mind.

And while the cameras showed Josh pick out his ring for Andi, Nick only received the dreaded knock on the door from Andi, and the writing was on the wall when he wasn't greeted with a hug...Just some ominous music.

Trying to drag things out as long as they could, we shot back to the studio audience where former Bachelor contestant Michelle, whoever that was, "spontaneously" stood up and interrupted Chris Harrison and asked, "I've just got one question! When are you going to announce who the new Bachelor is?"

That's when Chris Harrison shocked the world and announced that the new Bachelor was going to be Cody, after which all the ladies in America rejoiced.

Actually, I'm just kidding. Chris Harrison saved that announcement for later, and it turned out that the new Bachelor is going to be Chris Soules, the farmer from Iowa, not Cody, the personal douchebag from Chicago.

Chris Soules says "Eat corn ya dick!"

Andi used Nick's own line about the first time he got engaged, but woke up one morning and knew that something just didn't feel right.

Or as she told Nick, she was worried that they both tended to over-analyze everything.

Showing his true colors as a whiny bitch, Nick put Andi on guilt trip.

"When I told you that I loved you, I just can't believe that you'd be sitting here and telling me this right now."

But when he asked, "Is this more about us, or is it about someone else." Andi simply said, "I'm sorry," to which Nick responded, "God, wow, that's so fucked up."

Nick then pouted by saying, "There's just certain things I wish you wouldn't have said or done," before turning into a chick and throwing away all of the Rose Ceremony Roses he had saved.

Meanwhile, Josh was in tears before he even found out Nick didn't make it to the proposal.

Being a true romantic, and to remind everybody that he was once a low level minor league baseball player, Josh started off his proposal talking about how he gave up his first love, "baseball" before saying, "Now I've found you Andi Dorfman!"

It's almost like Josh Murray's one of the contestants who only came on the show to plug his career, only he already failed to make it as a baseball player, and nobody seems to know what the fuck he does now that his playing days are over. 

Obviously impressed by the way that Josh implied that she was his replacement for his days of using chewing tobacco and jock itch spray, Andi gushed:

"Josh I've loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you, I've loved you since the moment I spoke to you."

But since Andi had to build some drama into her reply for TV before she said that, Josh replied, "You were scaring me, you were scaring the heck out of me!"

And with that Josh proposed, "Andi Jennette Dorfman, will you marry me?" Fortunately for him the cameras were on, and she said "YESSSS!"

To tease interest in The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All, we saw Chris Harrison delivering Andi a letter from Nick and telling her, "I think you need to read this."

That was followed by a creepy shot of Nick saying, "Hopefully there is a lot more to come, with us."

Chris went on to explain, "That was actually Nick's second attempt to talk with the woman he loves,"  but he failed to deliver the first one because it wasn't in front of the cameras on live TV.

As Nick came out, the camera panned to dozens of white women in the audience with crazed looks in their eyes.

And while Nick had his own agenda, he didn't have a bad word to say about Josh saying, "I spent a lot of time with Josh, and I think he's a great guy...I don't think he'll take for granted what he has."

Nick started off by implying that he was pissed that she slept with him but still got sent home...But at least he learned what it's like to the be the bitch.

But when Andi responded to a question by saying, "I was not in love with him," Nick lost his shit.

He then went on to do his best to blow things up between Andi and Josh by saying, "If you weren't in love with me, I'm not sure why you made love to me."

Not denying what Nick said, Andi replied by saying, "First of all, that's below the belt. Those things are meant to be private."

And from there, things just got uncomfortable.

Nick went on to campaign, "It meant something, it meant the world to me," clearly having an agenda with the audience in mind.

Of course, if Nick truly had pure motives, he wouldn't have made a big deal about Andi using him for sex even though she knew she wasn't ultimately going to pick him...You kind of like Andi did with Juan Pablo.

And yes, that was hypocrisy that you smelled coming from your TV set when Andi scolded Nick when he outed her for her actions in the Fantasy Suite in the same way that she called out Juan Pablo for being a womanizer.

For everyone's FYI, Josh broke up with his last serious girlfriend five years ago because she kissed another guy while he was away, playing pro baseball...Just in case you forgot.

So with Josh coming out, we were left hoping that Andi at least told Josh that she had slept with Nick after her Fantasy Suite date with him.

Of course, Chris Harrison didn't even mention the subject of Nick sleeping with Andi to Josh, who came out grinning from ear to ear, making us all wonder if he even was aware it had happened.

Instead of asking the tough question that everyone wanted to know about, like "How do you feel about Andi sleeping with Nick after she slept with you?", Chris Harrison brought up Andi's father, to which Josh responded,  "I love Hy! That's my man, we're golfin' next week!"

Rather appropriately, and in response to tabloid reports that Andi was pregnant, the show ended with Chris saying, "Now that we've put the pregnancy rumors to rest," Josh interrupting and said, "I'm trying!"

Unfortunately, so was Nick, so let's not plan a televised wedding anytime before Andi parlays her experience as The Bachelorette and moves on to become one of the hosts of The View. 

Monday, July 21, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "This sucks"

This week was the Men Tell all Episode, where ABC attempts to drag out the season by another 2-4 unnecessary hours in conjunction with the After the Final Rose episode.

I mean, fuck, even the commercials had Andi in them.

Worst yet, we saw Cody flexing and posing like he was Ed Hardy in an ad for Bachelor in Paradise...Hopefully this time none of the cast members hang themselves after doing the show.

The episode started out with the very pregnant former Bachelorette Ashley H. and her husband J.P., who agreed to do a sonogram to determine their child's gender on live TV.

As it turned out, it was dead.

The guys from this season all came out in scarfs, which was supposed to be some kind of play on J.J.'s pants. 

Andrew was asked to respond to J.J.'s allegation that he had leaned over and said, "She gave the rose to the two blackies" during the week one Rose Ceremony.

Sure enough, the video showed that Andrew had indeed leaned over and whispered something to J.J. at that ceremony, although no audio was available.

Nonetheless, the house was in consensus that Marquel handled such a potentially volatile subject with class.

Even Andrew seemed to agree, "I completely agree with the way that Ron approached this whole predicament."

Of course, Ron was the other black guy on the show, not the one that Andrew had the serious conversation about whether or not he was a racist with.

Then again, in all fairness to Andrew, all black guys look alike on ABC.

From the looks of things at The Guys Tell All special, J.J. was finally able to get Marquel in his pants, or at least he had him wearing them.

Chris Harrison then spent 30 minutes trying to convince America that Andy got rid of Marquel because they were in "the friend zone," and not because he was black...America was not convinced.

And while Marquel did get a good plug for his cookies in before he left, he continued to insist, "I don't think she wanted to kiss me," before Chris tried to revise history by saying, "I think you might have missed some signs."

After reviewing scenes from his time with Andi, Chris Harrison looked at Marcus directly in the face and said, "I can tell man, emotions in your eyes."

In fairness to Marcus and his manhood though, those weren't emotions, they were tears.

Farmer Chris addressed questions about how a guy from Iowa could ever find a woman, leading to speculation that he'll become the next Bachelor.

Cody bemoaned the fact that he was a midget who had nothing to talk about aside from taking selfies while at the gym saying, "You never did get to see the real Cody."

Of course, that much was obvious since Andi didn't send Cody Saddler home after week one.

Funny enough, when Marquel complained about his lack of quality time by saying, "If you go on a 1-on-1 Date, you got a kiss," Cody jumped in and deadpanned, "No," referring to how he struck out with Andi on his 1-on-1 Date.

I was wondering why the producers once again let the ultra douchey Chris Bukowski creep around the set, but then we learned that he'll be appearing in Bachelor in Paradise, which they were trying to plug.

Andi denied the tabloid rumors that she was pregnant, which was good news for Josh and Nick since she hadn't, and has no intention of ever sleeping with either one of them.

Andi was offered the results of the Group Date lie detector test that she previously threw away, and it was revealed that Josh, Dylan and Marcus had all lied during their exams.

Much to the surprise of Andi and audience, it was revealed that Marcus lied when he responded that he had slept with fewer than 20 women.

We also learned that Dylan lied when he said that he preferred brunettes over blonds and when he said that he was ready for marriage before he simply put his head down and said, "This sucks"

However, Josh's lies were not revealed, as Andi didn't want to see his results, fueling speculation that he was her final choice.

The episode ended with Chris Harrison handing Andi a letter from one of the final two guys and Chris telling her, "I think you ought to read it."

Of course, I'm sure that it was just a teaser for a love letter, but at least we can all dream for another week that one of the guys walked out on Andi and her agenda to land a TV career. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "Hey man, I'll curl up with you dude"

Feeling guilty about selling Donny out for the Bomb Squad alliance last week, new HOH Devin called a house meeting where he admitted to casting judgment and handed out a tearful apology.

That caused Frankie to inquire, "What is happening now?"

Zach seemed even more confused by Devin's bi-polar behavior.

"I'm layin' there dreaming about jellybeans and unicorns, when he starts spilling the beans about everything." Sadly, Zach forgot the Camaros...He forgot the fucking Camaros.

However, the meeting kind of backfired, as Brittany figured out that last week's nominations were for personal reasons and not simply based on the first two competitors who went out in the first week's two HOH Competitions as she and the other nominees had been told.

Upon hearing that, Devin immediately reneged on his vow to play the game with integrity for his daughter, and wanted to target Brittany for eviction.

But not before he had and Caleb shared a moment.
Caleb:  "I'm used to callin' up my certain people that will cuddle, and hang out with me, and curl up and watch certain movies with me, and I feel like I'm loved a little bit, I don't really now exactly what it's called."
Devin: "Hey man, I'll curl up with you dude."
Caleb:  "I know you will."
     Devin:  "Just know, man, that I'm always gonna be there fore you."
Caleb:  "Because I will cuddle up in a heartbeat, just because I miss it so much..If no one was scared to cuddle. Just the thought of holdin' somebody..."
Devin:  "You're a good man dude...If I could sing, I'd sing you a great song right now."

And Poo! Just like that Devin and Caleb were gay. I'm pretty sure their night ended with Devin cuddling the bejesus out of Caleb to the point that he squealed like a wild boar. 

Caleb and Devin weren't the only two guys trying to climb Brokeback Mountain.

While Zach maintained that he wasn't gay, he began cuddling up with Frankie at night. However, he proclaimed his straightness in a rather odd way.

"I'm not gay, but the bond that Frankie and I share is so genuine, that I truly feel like he is my boyfriend...I'm straight, and I only date women, but Frankie is one of the greatest people I've ever met."

Frankie didn't seem to mind the attention. In fact, he seemed to treat Zach like his own miniature chihuahua.

"Poor Zach, he's just like a puppy dog. He follows me wherever I go, he cuddles me in bed...we do weights together." 

In what could turn into the first Tea Party sponsored couple in the house, Nicole began flirting with Hayden, who already had a bit of a crush on her.

Zach took the cue and left the room by saying, "I'm going to go brush my teeth, I'll let you guys flirt a little longer."

And while they were embarrassed Hayden admitted, "I really would take you on a date though."

Sadly, everyone forgot about the third wheel, Christine, who either ruined the moment or proposed a threesome by saying, "Us, you know, weirdos need to stick together."

After getting pissed at Brittany for not cleaning up the kitchen, or in this case, leaving her lotion in it, Devin nominated her and Paola for eviction, while Amber's nominations were Hayden and Nicole.

Following the Nomination Ceremony, Devin had Nicole bring Hayden up to the HOH Room were he assured them that they were not going home.

Telling Pow Pow that he wanted Brittany gone, Devin asked Pow Pow to throw the Battle of the Block Competition.

With the four nominees being forced to unexpectedly wake up 5:00 a.m., the BOB contestants were asked a series of questions about the specific images from photos that were quickly flashed in front of them.

With Pow Pow apparently throwing the competition as Devin had asked her, Hayden and Nicole ended up winning, making Devin the HOH over Amber, leaving Paola and Brittany alone on the eviction block.

And while at that point we weren't entirely sure as to whether Paolo threw the competition of if she was just plain stupid, Devin began calling himself "The Puppetmaster," with a #.

Having already raped Caleb, Devin apparently turned his attention to Hayden.

"Devin has lost his mind...He's giving me this creepy man hug. It's like super intimate, I'm thinking like he's going to stick his tongue in my ear."

Excited after his victory, Hayden asked Nicole to "kiss it out." And while she said "no," she did so in a really cute Michigan accent.

Zach seemingly turned against Devin's wishes and personal vendetta against Brittany, declaring that he wanted her to stay over Pow Pow.

Even Caleb called Devin "a problem" after Amber said that Devin treated her dismissively, saying he'd protect his women and would treat them with "dignity and respect."

Caleb Reynold respects all women...That is, so long as they aren't black and don't like Obama.

And when Caleb tried to diplomatically tell Devin that he was pissing off their alliance, especially the girls with the way he treated them, Devin snapped at Caleb "Why are you talking to me like this right now? You're over there getting love struck."

Once again, Frankie was left babysitting.

Or as he said, "I'm standing there watching this clash of the not so titans, and the last thing I want to happen is for the Bomb Squad to blow up in front of everyone."

Sure enough, Devin got his panties in a wad and stormed off saying that there was no more alliance, and Caleb threatening Devin, "You'll be goin' home next week."

But like any relationship based upon nothing but hot machismo chemistry, Caleb later apologized.

However, Devin no longer wanted to target the floaters as was the initial goal of the Bomb Squad alliance.

Instead, Devin demanded to know who in the alliance was targeting him as Caleb had let slip during their little tiff.

After Devin called an alliance meeting to snuff out the traitor, Zach came to Devin and told him it was him, but he didn't mean it.

Not unexpectedly, that didn't go over well with Devin, who later told Zach that he no longer trusted him.

The Veto Competition required the contestants to set up a mobile of the solar system by hanging balls without letting any of them touch the ground.

That set-up nearly gave Frankie and orgasm, but fortunately he was able to relax. "I want to do my house like that Veto Competition...Just gigantic floating balls."

Christine didn't seem to have any love for the better looking, but weaker, Paola. "Pow, she can't do anything. She can't sit, she can't stand, she can't spell, she can't hang things, hold balls."

Honestly, I think Christine was being a little hard on "Pow Pow," a/k/a Paola Shea...I  bet she's really good at holding balls. 

Devin ended up winning the POV and considered taking Brittany off the block for Zach because Brittany came to Devin and reminded him that she was a single mom...Huh?

Zach didn't understand how he got on Devin's shit list simply by truthfully telling him that he disagreed with his plan to evict Brittany.

But Frankie gave him a wake up calling by telling him, "Please, this is Big Brother, stop telling the truth!"

At the POV Meeting, Devin saved Brittany because of her single mom speech even though he had promised to use it on Paola if she threw the BOB Competition, which he had acknowledged that she had.

Given a chance to plead her case, Paola simply posed for the camera...Sigh.

I didn't realize that Paola Shea knew any poses where her arms weren't strategically placed to cover up her tits.

After pulling off his own nominee, Devin put Zach up as Brittany's replacement.

However, Brittany did not seem to appreciative of Devin's use of the POV, because immediately upon being taken off of the block she said, "Can I say something really fast.?"

Brittany then shockingly went on to addresses the house by saying that she knew her supposed friend Pow Pow threw the POV and said, "So I know what it's like to have a knife in your back."

And instead of taking her anger out on Brittany, Pow Pow lashed out at Devin, even though she was still on the block.

"We all know who he is...I'm sorry, but your (Devin) not a good person. I'd rather throw my head on a toilet bowl than stay with you another week. Brittany, you're right, he asked me to throw the Competition. Did I throw it? No, I did not throw the competition."

Of course, she was lying about not having thrown the competition, but the damage to Devin's integrity as a player had already been done.

Not one to let things rest while he was ahead, Zach declared that it was his turn to speak.

"I might have to blow up some other people's game. Frankie, don't feel threatened. Pow, you suck at everything, straight up, it's no deal. Devin, there's not an ounce of truth in your body."

It then became clear that Zach's strategy was to let the house know that his entire strategy in the gave was to get Devin evicted.

And when he said, "I'm going after you, everyone else in the house should be going after you too." even Pow Pow, his fellow nominee agreed saying, "Yup, it's cool with me."

However, while Zach thought that he was speaking for the entire Bomb Squad, they didn't necessary like being outed.

Or as Zach's "boyfriend" Frankie whined, "I have no idea why you would do that to me."

Having nominated and enraged a fellow alliance member, Devin scrambled to bring Hayden into the Bomb Squad alliance as a replacement.

That didn't turn out to be a great idea because Hayden commented, "Devin is revealing the golden bomb squad to me...I'm going to say yes to his face, when in reality my goal is going to be to blow up the Bomb Squad."

Devin did his best to seal the deal with Hayden by giving him the hollow promise,  "I promise you dude, I will never ever ever again put up another alliance member."

However, when the rest of the Bomb Squad decided that they wanted to keep fellow member Zach over Pow Pow against Devin's wishes, he told Frankie, "I'm not in this squad no more bro."

At the Eviction Ceremony Pow Pow lashed out at Devin for breaking his promise to use the POV on her saying, "I'm sorry Devin, you have five different personalities, and they all suck."

Likewise, Zach did little to campaign against Pow Pow, and told the house that Devin was his only target.

When it was all said and done, the Bomb Squad decided to back Zach over Devin, and Pow Pow evicted.

Unfortunately, there were way more naked pictures Paola Shea on her Facebook page than there were weeks that Pow Pow spent in the house.
tears "Who knew that I would be best friends with the bearded 42-year-old man in the house."

The HOH Competition called for the contestants to hit a polo ball down a course into numbered slots, kind of like Plinko on The Price is Right, with the two highest scores winning HOH honors.

And while the contest was about 90% blind luck and 20% strategy (think about it), Nicole and Derrick ended up as the HOH's.

Connie Chung also announced a twist involving devices designed to track the house guests movements to measure their laziness, and added that the results were "bound to effect the game."

Big Brother 16 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the third week.

14. Jocasta Odom - This whole Big Brother laziness monitor is not looking good for Jocasta.

13. Devin Shepherd - Devin pretty much fucked himself last week by not only polarizing his alliance with the rest of the house, but by changing his mind and nominating one of his own alliance members for eviction. Moral of the story...Don't put an alliance member up.

12. Donny Thompson - Donny was caught wearing t-shirts for both North Carolina and North Carolina State, which in my mind makes him the ultimate floater.

11. Victoria Rafaeli - After winning the first ever Battle of the Block Competition, Victoria apparently left the show and flew back to Israel, because I haven't seen her ass since.

Victoria Rafaeli: It is a great ass though.

10. Zach Rance -Zach went all in to get Devin out of the house, to the point that his own alliance even considered evicting him. He may get his way but still end up losing at the same time.

9. Brittany Martinez - Brittany apparently borrowed Joey's fake balls after she left and made a strong move last week. She's still out of the power alliance, but she at least made her presence known that she's not a weak player.

Nicole Franzel - Nicole is likely safe this week as one of the HOH's, but she's still on the outside looking in when it comes to the top alliances that could take her further in the game other than her flirtmance with Hayden.

7. Derrick Levasseur - Derrick seems like a good dude. In fact, it almost makes me think that he really isn't a cop.

6. Cody Calafiore -
What can I say, this dude is single handedly trying to bring pubes back in style...That's got to be worth something, right?

5. Amber Borzotra -
She's the initial girl in the guy's alliance, she's good looking, and Devin and Caleb both have the hots for her...I think she'll be sticking around for at least a bit.

4. Caleb Reynolds - I doubt that Caleb ever watched an episode of Big Brother before he thought about coming on the show. While he's been on the right side of things the first two weeks of the game, I'll be curious to see how he fares with two HOH's who he hasn't bonded with yet.

3. Hayden Voss - Devin bringing Hayden into the Bomb Squad was a horrible move on Devin's part, because it

2. Christine Brecht -
Christine remains under the radar, is privy to key information as a member of the Bomb Squad, but is still more closely aligned to the Freaks and Geeks without anyone really knowing.

1. Frankie Grande - Aside from Victoria, who may or may not still be on the show, Frankie has gotten very little blood on his hands while still being one of the top power players in the game.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "I'll show you all the pictures, my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, my brother with one arm"

With week one in the house having concluded with the flamboyantly gay Frankie and the racist and misogynistic Caleb sharing HOH honors, Frankie decided to take the lemons he was handed and try to make a lemon flavored shit sandwich.

"I need to make sure that Caleb is my best friend, and we can talk about all his Rascal Flats CD's, and all his beef jerky, and we're just gonna bond this week. I know it!" 

Strangely enough, Frankie and Caleb did decide to work together.

Caleb tried to justify his alliance with a gay man to his friends back home in Kentucky, Texas, or wherever the fuck he's from, looking at himself in a little too masculine of a light.

"I'm the country guy. You know, the tatted up big muscle bound guy. He's the feminine with purple hair. We live two completely different lifestyles, but we mesh so well together."

For whatever it's worth, I'm calling Frankie and Caleb the "Brokeback Alliance." 

Thereafter, we saw the formation of the "Bomb Squad" alliance, which was an all jock alliance plus Frankie, who's plan was to target all of the floaters.

Devin bailed on his "DD" alliance with Donnie in order to join the Bomb Squad, while Jocasta took a less intelligent approach to the game saying, "The only alliance I have is with God."

While they weren't close to anyone else in power, Christine and Nicole bonded over being nerdy, less overtly sexy than the other girls, and having over-sized glasses.

"Me and Nicole are just simple girls, and we shop at Walmart. We connect on things that aren't about makeup."

Sadly, when I complained last year that Big Brother casting was going too far in the direction of pageant queens, models and aspiring Maxim models, "The Girls of Walmart" wasn't quite what I had in mind.

Proving that gay men have no souls, Frankie wanted to put Victoria up for eviction even though they had immediately bonded inside the house.

Caleb wanted to target Hayden, who he clearly saw as his biggest threat after the initial POV Competition.

For the initial nominations, Caleb nominated Donnie and Pow Pow, while Frankie put up Victoria and Brittany, with both of the HOH's reasoning that they simply went with the first four contestants who dropped out of their respective HOH Competitions.

Thinking that she was Frankie's hag, Victoria was less than pleased to be nominated by him. "I wanna shove that you know what, in you know where."

Strangely, the 42-year-old school janitor Donny bonded with the ex-Maxim girl turned New York DJ Paola, a/k/a "Pow Pow," in a non-sexual way...At least I hope.

Then again, when Donny asked Paola, "What is it about me that you actually like," Pow Pow responded by saying, "You're kind of like a father figure."

Then, like any successful stripper, Paola Shea showed her ass and asked Donny if he wanted to buy a lap dance.

Frankie pulled Victoria aside and tried to tell her that she wasn't going home, and that he only nominated her because of who Caleb nominated.

However, Victoria wasn't buying his Broadway song and dance.

Thinking the game was all about him, Devin decided to go all "Sarah Palin," and asked Christine and Amber to join the all guy "Bomb Squad" alliance.

And while he said he did so because he thought that the "all guy" thing had been done before, it was clear that he had the hots for Amber, just like his bromance partner, Caleb.

Of course, it probably would have helped had Devin asked his fellow alliance members first.

Devin also became paranoid when he heard Donnie cracking jokes and didn't believe that he's really a janitor, proving that Devin's even dumber than Donnie.

Even the Bomb Squad started to grumble over Devin's behavior, with Zach commenting, "Having Devin in your alliance is 'no bueno.'"

The first ever Battle of the Block was set up 1920's ballroom style with swings hanging from the ceiling. That caused Frankie to exclaim, "I love it!" even though he wasn't even competing.

The competition required each two person team to swing towards each other and toss champagne from a glass into a vat that their partner was holding in order to fill it the fastest.

Victoria and Brittany ended up killing Donnie and Pow Pow, mainly because Pow Pow apparently never learned how to swing.

Having removed themselves from the nomination block, Brittany yelled to Victoria, "I told you everything's better with wine!"

Caleb also emerged as the sole HOH saying, "The Battle of the Block is over, and country boy is still HOH!"

Thinking that he was likely going home, Donny began to cry, not because he thought he was going home, but because everyone was being so nice to him despite the gaps between their ages and IQ's.

"These young kids care about me got me emotional. Just how nice they were, how sweet and kind they were to me."

Even the admittedly selfish Paola wanted to put Donny's game in front of hers, to which she acknowledged "is just not like me at all...I feel bad for Donny because it's very tough for me to see a grown 42-year-old man cry in front of me."

And for Paola "Pow Pow" Shea, usually it's the other way around.

And strike what I just wrote about the rest of the house being smarter than Donny. 

First off, Nicole let it slip that she was just using her time in the Big Brother house to audition for a role on Ghost Hunters or Paranormal Activity.

"I really do believe in my heart that ghosts exist, and I'm 100% sure that one's living in the Fire Room, and I'm not kidding."

Worse yet, Christina believed her.

"I'm scared to death that I'm going to be voted out week one, but...I can't be voted out if I'm dead, dead by ghosts."

Not only did Devin continue to obsess over Donny having some sort of secret identity, but he also convinced Caleb of it.

Completely over thinking the game, which I'm sure was difficult for someone like Caleb to do, he came to the conclusion that Donny was ex-military special forces.

"He's ex military, I knew it from the moment he pulled his socks up, army boots rubbed his hair raw...I know it for a fact."

That left Frankie nearly speechless.

"Devin is unbelievable. Now he's convinced Donny is a secret super soldier. So what's next Devin? Is he Justin Bieber in a beard? Is it Lady Gaga's new character persona? Is he Ariana Grande's brother? Is that it?

When Devin finally confronted Donny about who he really was, Donny pleaded his stupidity by saying, "I'll show you all the pictures, my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, my brother with one arm."

With Caleb having to name four "Have-Nots" for the week, Joey, Hayden and Brittany all volunteered.

That left them with frozen slop, or "slopsickles" as their primary food source for the week, or as someone yelled, "It smells like ass!"

The "Have-Nots" also had to spend their nights in a frozen Ice Room, that may or may not have been haunted like the Fire Room was. 

Joey tried to put together an "All Girl" alliance not knowing that Amber was already a member of the Bomb Squad, or what Joey suspected was an "All Guy" alliance. 

Sure enough, Amber threw Joey and her plan under the bus to Caleb, who immediately targeted Joey for eviction.

For some reason Joey confessed to Devin that she tried to start an "All Girl" alliance but went down in flames trying.

That caused Devin to comment, "Joey, you admitting that you tried to start an 'All Girl' alliance just proved to me that your the worst player in BB history.

And while telling Devin that was not necessarily the smartest move on Joey's part, she's still not as dumb as Devin is for thinking Donny was some sort of government sponsored killing machine.

The POV Competition had the contestants jump in a pool and retrieve letters one at a time in order to spell longest word in the time they were allotted.

Caleb made the mistake of thinking that he'd be competitive because he graduated high school, while Pow Pow called the competition the "worst foam party I've ever been to."

Donny didn't like his odds saying, "Maybe they think that I'm smarter than I let on, and I'm not."

However, it was Cody who misspelled the word "competitively."

When Pow Pow didn't even come up with a word in a competition that she needed to ensure her safety in the game, Donny accidentally came up with an eight letter word, "splitters," and won the POV.

With Donny taking himself off the block, Caleb chose Joey as a replacement nominee, and that gave Pow Pow hope.

"I'm still on the block, but it's okay, because I've got big mouth Joey standing next to me."

Apparently Joey's strategy on Big Brother After Dark was to show everyone her ass and boobs to take their minds off of her giant mouth. 

Knowing that she was in trouble, Joey brought out her male alter ego, Alex, who lobbied the girls to stick together and keep her in the game by walking around the house in pants with a stuffed crotch, a drawn on beard, and yelling at people like she was a giant douche bag.

So in other words, Joey dressed up like Caleb Reynolds.

Speaking of Caleb, he made a unilateral decision that Amber wanted him.

His reasoning? "She never wants to be alone in the same area as as not to show people."

Unable to help himself, or should I say control himself, Caleb did his best to completely creep Amber out by putting her on the spot and saying, "I see the way you look at me during the day...You look at me a lot."

Politely rejecting Caleb's advances, Amber left the room saying, "This is so uncomfortable."

Sadly, neither Joey's boobs nor her fake penis were enough to save her, and she was evicted in a unanimous vote.

After Joey was evicted, the house guests immediately moved to a "Greek Week" themed HOH Competition where they had to successfully transfer six kegs of beer across a balance beam, or as we called them in college, "a sidewalk."

With the girls competing against the girls, and the boys against the boys, Amber won the female HOH. Surprisingly, frat boy Zach didn't even finish in the running for the guys.

In the end, Cody was announced as the other HOH.

However, instant replay showed that he fell of his balance beam with his leg hitting the ground just before he hit his buzzer, which DQ'd him and gave the crown to Devin instead.

That turned out to be a pretty big change when it came to who was in charge.

Or as Frankie said even after Devin picked him up and smacked him on his ass, "I feel like Devin just going to do crazy things like he's been doing all week, and I don't really trust him."

Big Brother 16 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the second week.

15. Jocasta Odom - How this ultra religious loudmouth (although not yet on the show) managed to avoid nomination over some younger and more likeable contestants is beyond me.

14. Brittany Martinez - Devin seems to hate her, and with Devin winning HOH on a technicality...

13. Paola Shea - Her willingness to get naked moves her up several slots on this list, or from #15 to #13.

Paola Shea: Pow Pow trying to cover her fake pillows with a pillow.

12. Donny Thompson - Honestly, I've been dogging on Donny, but he seems like a really nice and likable guy who would never do anything to hurt anybody. Then again, so did the dude from Slingblade.

11. Victoria Rafaeli - When Frankie won HOH Victoria declared, "Obviously, I need to be treated like a princess, so that bathroom is meant for the princess. Because Frankie won HOH I'm going to get to shower there all week."

10. Zach Rance - While he's currently unemployed, Zach is going to parlay his Big Brother experience into one heck of a job as a used car salesman.

9. Nicole Franzel - As they say in the South, "Bless her heart." As we say in the North, "She's fucking stupid." 

8. Hayden Voss -
Hayden seems to be playing both sides, which is dangerous, yet intriguing in an experimental gay kind of way.

7. Derrick Levasseur -
We kind of find it ironic that this cop from Rhode Island has a pig nose.

Derrick Levasseur: Oink Oink, my good man!"

6. Cody Calafiore -
Last week I wrote about Zach, "This guy is so closet gay, I'll be shocked if he isn't hooking up with Frankie in another few weeks." It turns out I was wrong, Cody wasn't the closet gay guy, it was Zach.

5. Amber Borzotra -
She's in the guy alliance, they all love her, and she's pretty hot.

Amber Borzotra: Plus she gets naked...What's not to like?

4. Caleb Reynolds -
Caleb thinks he is running the game, I just hope that someone has the balls to stand up to him...Unfortunately, Joey got sent home.
3. Devin Shepherd -
Devin is a complete idiot, but as HOH, he's at least safe for part of the week as one of the two HOH's.

2. Christine Brecht -
Does anybody else think that Christine might be Will Heuser's sister, or maybe even Will impersonating a female to get back on the show?

Nevermind, he's already done that.

1. Frankie Grande -
Make no mistake about it, Frankie is running this game. He's taken charge of what was once the all male alliance, he has all of the girls wanting to be his hag, and he has a "straight" guy as his spoon buddy.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "I used to be a bed wetter"

This week saw Andi traveling to the Dominican Republic for the Fantasy Suite dates.

That gave her the opportunity to sleep with her final three guys before she broke all of their hearts by choosing a TV career over a relationship, which is going to be sad because for the first time in years all of the finalists in a Bachelor related show all seem to be "all in."

First up was Nick, who not only arrived via the Batch-Copter, but then left with Andi via the Batch-Copter for a date on a secluded beach, which wasn't a bad start for a guy who nearly managed to get through an entire Bachelor/Bachelorette season as a helicopter virgin. 

While Nick tried to tell Andi that he loved her couldn't quite pull the trigger.

"I kind of ramble and try to put sentences together."

However, later in the evening Nick read Andi a story he wrote, complete with a cover and illustrations about their time together on the show.

As an added touch, Nick left a whole bunch of pages empty at the end to imply that their story wasn't finished...Well, either that, or he ran out of time before their date.

At the end of the story Nick kind of finally told Andi that he loved her saying, "I love what I know about you," which earned him the keys to the Fantasy Suite for the night. 

After test driving Nick, Andi moved on to Josh, whom she took on a date out on the town.

In a missed opportunity, Josh was offered a local aphrodisiac, but instead of saying that he didn't need any because he was with Andi, he readily accepted. 

Andi confessed to the camera that her biggest question about Josh (this week) was whether he's serious enough for her.

Josh Murray

Josh was more than willing to tell Andi that he loved her and wanted to marry her, and earned points after Andi warned how she can be difficult by shooting back, "You've already been difficult with me," in reference to their up and down courtship. 

Andi offered Josh the Fantasy Suite, who readily accepted by saying, "Of course...Absolutely," especially after Andi told him that she wanted to connect with him without all the glamor involved...If you know what she meant. 

Last up was Chris, who started off in a hole with Andi calling it a "make or break date," which was unbeknownst to him.

Andi took Chris horseback riding, which did little to help Chris' case considering that she appeared terrified of the thought of even having the horsepower of "one" between her legs.

Apparently never having watched the Kentucky Derby Andi cried, "They're faster than I thought!"

And while Andi told Chris that his was "the best family she ever met," she struggled to tell him that he just wasn't the best guy.

Thinking that he was riding a hot streak, Chris gushed, "Believe it or not, I don't normally have dates in the middle of corn fields and drive tractors around."

Sadly, unlike the other guys, Chris seemed to want to discuss the logistics of a future with Andi, asking her, "I don't want to beat a dead horse, especially after riding horses all day, but where are you at?" in reference to whether she was feeling living on a farm in Iowa.

But when Andi told Chris that she was struggling with the whole Fantasy Suite thing, you could see in his eyes that he knew he was done, although he kept trying to be positive.

However, the writing was on the wall, and Andi sent Chris home before the Rose Ceremony in order to be respectful to him as a great guy, or dare I say, a potential Bachelor.

While Andi tried her best to lie and be diplomatic she said, "I'd rather tell you that I'm trying and trying and it's not there than blame it on Iowa," what she really meant to say was, "I've already accepted a position on The View and I can't possibly move to Iowa.

And when Andi tried to explain, "My head and heart don't match up, it just doesn't match up," Chris made it easy on her by saying, "I should probably go...You did the right thing, and you're an amazing woman."

And the next Bachelor is...Chris Soules. If it isn't, I'd hate to be the girl he meets on that he takes his sexual frustration out on.

In the end, Andi seemed to get over cutting Chris loose, and we got to see her and Nick swap embarrassing stories.

And when Nick volunteered, "I used to be a bed wetter," Andi was a little too quick to volunteer, "Me too! The worst, until middle school!"

And realizing that he had a one in two chance of winning that bladder after child birth and another 40 years, the look on Nick's face was priceless.