Saturday, February 25, 2017

2017 NASCAR Predictions from a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin' - "At least Tony Stewart can finally say that he won a fight!"




The 2017 NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, starting the anticipation for the biggest race of the year, so stock up on Bush Light, toilet paper and butt paste before your local Winn Dixie runs out of the essentials for living!

Say what you want about NASCAR, but there's no doubting the positive economic impact it brings to communities like Daytona Beach, when over 100,000 rabid fans come to town a couple of weekends a year just to watch the races...Roll Damn Tide!

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunting case of Busch beer that comes in them fancy orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the 2017 Sprint Cup results.

I'm looking forward to the release of  Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.'s first sextape, "ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies.

Some say that NASCAR's popularity has dropped in recent years, but fuck that, Trump is our new President, so we can clearly consider those reports "fake news"!

With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look!

POLE POSITION
(Who the Top 10 finishers in the 2015 Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. Darrell Wallace, Jr. - As part of their "Race for Diversity" program, NASCAR should be trying to push a team owner like Randy Moss and a young and upcoming African-American driver this year. 

And if they're serious about remedying their history of discrimination, they'll employ some type of affirmative action and give Darrell Wallace, Jr. a slight advantage over the other drivers when it comes to his car. 

That way Wallace can play the role of a wresting heel, making black power speeches to the angry crowds every time he wins, and telling all the other drivers how much their wives and girlfriends want him. Let's call that team "Reparations Racing."

9. Tony Stewart - Tony Stewart is no stranger to overcoming adversity, but he's never been able to overcome the guilt of knowing that he intentionally killed racer Kevin Ward on the track when Ward tried to fight Stewart's truck. On the the plus side, Stewart and his fans can finally say that he won a fight.

Now that he's quit NASCAR's Dirt Track Series, Steward has announced plans that he will now be teaming with John Deere to launch a new NASCAR series aimed at a slightly less educated audience.

8. Kurt Busch - Speaking of fights, just this Friday, NASCAR announced that Kurt Busch would be suspended indefinitely for smashing his ex-girlfriends head against the wall of his motor home last September. As the old saying goes, "You can take the boy out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the park."

7. Jeff Gordon - Everybody is making a big deal about gay athletes coming out, yet nobody ever mentions NASCAR's gay ambassador, a/k/a, "The Rainbow Warrior."

Rainbow warrior or not, Jeff Gordon is still less gay than Tony Stewart. 

So it had to be embarrassing for a macho driver like Brad Keselowski when Gordon finally got so pissed off at his driving that he bitch slapped him after a race in Texas last year.

6. Brad Keselowski - The best thing about Brad Keselowski having Miller Light as his sponsor is that he's no stranger to drinking their stupid juice and talking to the press even though his family, his race team, and NASCAR's President all staged an intervention asking him not to speak in public.


Indy drivers drink a bottle of milk after winning the Indy 500, NASCAR drivers like Brad Keselowski slam pitchers of beer...That seems about right.

5.
Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - With NASCAR's new rules for qualifying for The Chase to the Sprint Cup favoring drivers who actually win races, it looks like it will be another disappointing year for Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Jr.

At this point, I don't think there's anything you could tell me about the stupidity of a NASCAR fan that would shock me...In fact, I heard that after finishing a race and seeing this Dale Jr. six-pack tattoo, Brad Keselowski was so desperate for a beer that he licked this guy's stomach.

4. Austin Dillon - Team owner Richard Childress giving NASCAR's sacred #3 to his grandson, Austin Dillon, is kind of like Childress giving Dale Earnhardt Sr.'s car to an undeserving Dale Jr. just to keep sales and interest in the team alive.

Austin Dillon, looking pretty in pink: Let's just say that NASCAR has become less about your ability to drive, and more about about what your name is and how you look, and that's pissing purists like Danica Patrick off. 

3. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because, and I quote, "Those weights are heavy," which is probably why they're called "weights."

If legendary driver Dick Trickle could race while smoking, I'm pretty sure that NASCAR drivers aren't athletes. 

Bowyer made news a few years back by asking a foreign reporter if they had rednecks in Europe after talking about how he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.

After the confused reporter got Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, the reporter responded by saying that Germany had people like that, but they were considered less intelligent than the people in the rest of his country.

That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"

2. Jimmie Johnson - As somebody who's into nutrition and has ran a marathon the last few years before kicking off the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the opposite of Clint Boyer and Tony Stewart. Sure a woman beat him in the marathon, but that should only help prepare him for the final result of this year's Sprint Cup standings.

1. Danica Patrick - You know that Danica Patrick is ready to race when she forcefully grabbed Kevin Hamlin and confronted him for spinning her out in what was only a Daytona 500 qualifying race. Of course, Hamlin blamed the incident on her for having a "loose rear end," which clearly means that Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. needs to challenge him to a fight in order to defend her honor.

By the way, Danica's run as the Go Daddy girl is getting a bit old. Can't we find her a more appropriate sponsor like The View, IKEA, or Midol?
Mamograph: Danica Patrick is not backing down in this male dominated industry. In fact, she says "anything you can do, I can do better!"

And last but not least, if this isn't an annual tradition to kick of the NASCAR season, it should be!




This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or for that matter, any evangelical church.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

The Bachelor Blog - "My heart is in my ass now!"



The new season of The Bachelor is upon us, which means that we have thirty new girls looking for a "forever home."

Unfortunately, the stakes are high, as only one girl will ultimately get adopted. A few may live on for a few more seasons to reproduce on Bachelor in Paradise, but the rest will immediately get put down by The Bachelor's resident veterinarian, Jorge, who sometimes moonlights as a bartender.

This year's bachelor is Nick Viall. As we all know, Nick began his journey as an aspiring fame whore under the guise of being a salesperson from Chicago during Andi Dorfman's season of The Bachelorette.


While I'll not hide my opinion that this season's star Nick Viall is a complete douche, at least he's more personable than recent stars, FarmersOnly.com spokesman Chris Soules, and that guy named "Ben." 

Nick obtained official villain status when he blabbed to America that he had sex with Andi in the "Fantasy Suite" before she ultimately announced that she was choosing Josh Murray instead of him.

That turned out to be the show's bitter bitch moment that has not even been rivaled by any of it's emotionally unstable and drunk female contestants.

Since then, Nick ditched his career in favor of becoming a full time employee at the Bachelor mansion.

That has allowed him to fill in as a contestant on Kaitlyn Bristowe's season, make an appearance on Bachelor in Paradise (where he was able to flip public perception of him being a douche bag into just being a narcissistic little bitch), and even agree to clean up the women's toilets during Ben's season (things sure can get messy after taco Tuesdays and an open craft services margarita bar!).

My guess is that when all is said and done Nick will ultimately end up passing on whatever girl he chooses in order to parlay his time on The Bachelor into a new career as the next Spencer Pratt, but for now, that's just my educated guess.

As usual, this season began with more girls with daddy issues, fake boobs and miniature dogs than Hugh Heffner saw during his entire career as the host of The Playboy Mansion.

Once the girls started arriving at the mansion we were quickly reminded of how The Bachelor brings out all of the types of women that under normal circumstances would prove to be red flags when it comes to dating...Aspiring models, professional cheerleaders, east European immigrants, and special education teachers.

So with that said, let's take an in depth look at some of the more memorable bitches, I mean ladies of the litter that Nick has to choose from!

First Impressions

Danielle Lombard - Danielle is a bikini and lingerie model from California who managed to open her own nail salon by the age of 23, which was quite impressive considering the fact that she is not even Asian!

It's hard to argue against Nick Viall keeping Danielle L. as a contestant. Let's just hope that this aspiring underwear model can keep her panties on!

Rachel Lindsay - Rachel is an attorney from Dallas. More than just the typical Bachelor token black girl, Rachel L.received Nick's much coveted "First Impression Rose."

Could Rachel Lindsay be the first black Bachelor series contestant to actually win? She sure seems to have the intelligence to go along with her good looks, which could ultimately become a problem for Nick Viall. 

Taylor Nolan - Taylor went to John's Hopkins University and runs a mental health center in Seattle...She also appears to be, surprise, an aspiring model!

Taylor Nolan greeted Nick Viall be telling him that her friends think he's a complete piece of shit. While Taylor seems like a super smart girl, she should probably listen to her friends a little more closely!

Kristen Schulman
- Originally from Russia, this East European immigrant parlayed being the runner up in Donald Trump's mail order bride website into making an appearance on The Bachelor!

Much like Donald Trump, if Nick Vaill were to tire of  Kristina Schulman as his wife, he could simply contact Russia and order a younger version. 

Liz Sandoz - Liz got on the show simply because she was friends with former contestant and former Playboy Playmate, Jade Roper, which likely means that she's an ex-stripper.

While he may not have hit the sex swing, Nick Viall already took Liz Sandoz to the "Fantasy Suite" at Jade Roper's wedding. We'll see how that endears her to the other girls in the house once they find out! 

Hailey Merkt - Hailey arrived by asking Nick, "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I."

While Hailey Merkt may dub herself as a hipster, even hipster chicks aren't immune to the "aspiring model" bug. 

Astrid Locht - Astrid is an office manager for a plastic surgeon in Tampa, which means that she is likely banging him to pay off her fake boobs.

Astrid Locht is also a single mom and a former Hooters waitress looking for love...Wait, wasn't that from an Adam Sandler movie?

Corinne Olympios - Corinne is an aspiring model from Ft. Lauderdale, which in south Florida means that she simply got Glamour Shots and blows dudes for free drinks.

Corinne Olympios seems very comfortable topless! Is Nick Viall cool with that as wife material? 

Vanessa Grimaldi - Apparently Kaitlyn Bristow made it okay for Canadian girls to apply to be on The Bachelor, although Vanessa Grimaldi is the least desirable of all the different kinds of Canadiens...The dreaded French Canadian.

Nick Viall seemed to like the French Canadian, Italian Vanessa Grimaldi...Who's kind of hot in a Justin Trudeau kind of way. 

Raven Gates - Having avoided the dreaded Arkansas "third arm" gene, Raven broke up with her cousin and when she heard she had an opportunity to come on The Bachelor!

I'm not usually into southern girls, but Raven Gates is pretty fucking hot. If I was her ex-cousin and I had to watch her go throw herself at a douche like Nick Viall, I'd probably kill myself. 

Whitney Fransway - While Whitney may be hot, she's yet another aspiring model/yoga instructor from L.A., which means she's likely unemployed because she's just a little too dumb to be a soft core porn actress.

I think it was pretty clear from the opening episode that Nick Viall liked Whitney Fransway.  

Lacey Marik - While Lacey is a cosmetics manager, she was a poly-sci major who speaks Arabic. That means that she is willing to settle for less than what she is worth, making her the perfect match for Nick Viall.

Lacey Marik arrived at the Bachelor Mansion on a camel saying, "I hear you like a good hump...So do I!" I'm just trying to figure out where the pineapple comes in. 

Alexis Waters - Alexis is an aspiring dolphin trainer from New Jersey, which I'm pretty sure is a state that has very few dolphins.

Despite arriving in a shark costume and staying in character the entire first night (which included jumping in the pool and making stupid dolphin cackles), Alexis Waters might be the hottest girl on The Bachelor this season! The question that remains is whether or not she's serious about the whole process of being on the show. 

Monday, June 29, 2015

The Big Brother 17 Blog - "I'm just going to wrap these legs around this pole and hang on for dear life"

 



A new season of Big Brother is upon us, and we have a new waive of racist and sexist house guests ready to make asses of themselves on national TV.

Better yet, host Connie Chung isn't pregnant this year, and she's looking hotter than ever...That Maury Povich is a lucky man!

Upon entering the house, Shelli immediately fell in love with Clay, despite the fact that she's ten years older than him.

Clay took a liking back saying, "There's a lot of hot women in the house, but Shelli absolutely takes the cake.

Shelli Poole is old enough to be the mom of the underage girls that Clay Honeycutt might have fucked on spring break at South Padre Island. 

However, as part of the season's "Twin Twist," we'll see how Shelli likes it when Clay tries to start making out with her sister. Then again, maybe it's Shelli' sister that Clay is in lust with...Thanks Big Brother, consider my mind blown.

Da'Vonne lied to the house and told everyone that she was a school teacher instead of a poker dealer...As if anyone would be intimidated by a card dealer. Not a poker PLAYER, but a fucking DEALER.

In a more honest note, Caitlyn, I mean Audrey, told her house mates that she's transgendered.

I'm a sucker for girls in glasses, so let's just say I'm glad I'm not on the show...Audrey Middleton makes me all confused and stuff!

Meanwhile, as the dudes all talked about how much they bench pressed, the girls, Audrey, Shelli, Meg and Da'Vonne formed an all girl alliance.

Before the second half of the house arrived, Connie Chung announced that the house guests would be competing in the first HOH Competition given that the "Battle of the Block," with four initial nominees for eviction, would be in play for the second year in a row.

The HOH theme was a fake red carpet event for a fake movie called "UFO-Oh-No!"

The actual competition had the house guests try to catch ten "rotten tomatoes" (or balls) while balancing on a plank in order to become the first HOH.

In a photo finish with the last four players falling at the same time, James ended up winning the first HOH of the season.

Connie Chung then revealed the new twist to the show, a weekly "Big Brother Takeover," which seems to involve either a past player or famous person coming into the house to temporarily mix things up with rules of their own.

On that note, the second wave of house guests arrived.

The best of which was John, the self dubbed "Rock star dentist," who can best be described as being similar to the "retarted" (the "t" was intentional) clone of Brian from the Family Guy.

"With the way he talks, Johnny Mac of Big Brother reminds me of "Bitch Brian" from Family Guy

Like all "retarts," John was a little bit self unaware, and just a little bit full of himself. Or as he said, "It's really hard to find a girl who's not a gold digger once you say you're a dentist."

For some reason, Da'Vonne didn't believe John when he said he was a dentist, while Clay thought Steve was Ian Terry's long lost twin, which obviously added some much needed distrust into the house and game.

However, it was Vanessa who lied, claiming that she was a D.J. instead of a poker player...You know, because she REALLY wanted everybody to initially hate her.


More importantly, after everyone moved in and did a "get to know you" round table, there were still two unaccounted seats.

That's when the initial "Big Brother Takeover" took place, with The Amazing Race host Phil Koeghan taking control of the game.

And since The Amazing Race took several Big Brother contests on their show, Phil gave Big Brother two of his former Amazing Race players....Jeff (an account executive), and Jackie (a former stripper), who were a "blind date" team on his show last season.

With that bomb, we moved on to the HOH for the new contestants, with Vanessa agreeing to sit out.  That selfless act caused the other house guests all agree not to nominate her no matter who won.

The Competition itself involved cornfields and aliens in a Hee-Haw like atmosphere, with the the players trying to hold onto a post without getting sucked up by a "UFO," or a harness that was attached to their backs.

Jackie made no attempt to hide the fact that she was a stripper.

"I just need to basically use these legs I've been using my entire life as a dancer. I'm just going to wrap these legs around this pole and hang on for dear life."

Upon further review, Jackie Ibarra of The Amazing Race and Big Brother was not a stripper, it was worse...she was a dancer form the Miami Heat...My apologies to any strippers I may have offended. 

With many of the contestants purposefully dropping out to keep the target off of their backs, Jackie ended up taking a deal from Jason to drop off in return for him agreeing not to nominate her, which gave Jason co-HOH honors along with James, the Asian Redneck.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

The Big Brother 17 Blog - Meet The Cast

 



A new season of Big Brother is finally upon us, which is my official summer cue to take off my pants and start blogging.

Some of the twists for Big Brother 17 includes the return of the Battle of the Block, or two head of households each week; a "twin twist," with sets of twins subbing in and out for one another during the game; a random twist that will differ from week to week; as well as a transgendered cast member who isn't Bruce Jenner.

Fortunately, so far there are no returning players, meaning that Rachel Reilly, her boyfriend Brendon, her sister, and their extensive team of plastic surgeons are merely on standby.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website, as well as anything I can find on them from their social media pages.

Audrey Middleton: A 25-year-old digital media consultant from Georgia.

Pros: Audrey has played a simulated version of the show Survivor using astrology and tarot cards to help determine her strategy, so at least she has some experience when

Cons: Online reality play is one thing, but using religion as the basis for how you play a game like Big Brother in real life is probably not going to cut it.

Audrey Middleton was arrested for marijuana possession and loitering in Atlanta a few years back. 

Austin Matelson: A 30-year-old pro wrestler from California who goes by the moniker, "Judas Draven."

Pros: Don't let the "pro wrestler" image fool you, Austin was raised by hippies and is into gymnastics, yoga and Pilate's...In other words, he's gay, just like fellow pro wrestler, Jessie Godderz from Big Brother 10.

Cons: I'm not sure that Austin's communal lifestyle will go over too well in the Big Brother house, especially since he lists his luxury items as "three Color Me Badd CD's," with the last two being replacements just in case the first ones broke...Then again, even though it was crappy, Color Me Badd only had one real album, so it's no real surprise that Austin's second and third items were duplicative.

Austin Matelson: Maybe it's just me, but I don't trust hippies that are into Satan...I guess Charles Manson ruined that whole shtick. On the other hand, with a stage name like "Judas," Austin Matelson just may have a tag team partner in Big Brother all time great, Dan Gheesling. 

Becky Burgess: A 26-year-old retail manager from Denver.

Pros: Becky seems very athletic, she's into sports, and even things that aren't sports...Like hiking and soccer.

Cons: Becky says she's aware of how pretty she is, but doesn't rely on her looks because she's "a total package." In reality, that just means she isn't as nearly as pretty as she thinks she is.

Becky Burgess is the type of girl who can even make drinking a beer look pretentious. 

Clay Honeycutt: A 23-year-old grad student at Texas A&M.

Pros: Not only did Clay grow up on a ranch, but he played football at Texas A&M. That means he should be an absolute beast in physical challenges to the point that he makes "Beast Mode Cowboy" look like a little bitch...Then again, "Beast Mode Cowboy" already is a little bitch, but you get the idea.

Cons: Clay likes to wear a cowboy hat, so it's really hard to like him.


Clay Honeycutt: It's also hard to like someone when they're an underwear model...That is, unless you're a girl. 

Da'Vonne Rogers: A 27-year-old poker dealer from Los Angeles.

Pros: The first transgendered Big Brother house guest since Wil Heuser.

Cons: With descriptions like, "Not worried about the opinions of others" and "doesn't like to team up with people," Da'Vonne may be a bit too black to do well in the game with a house full of really, REALLY, white people.

Transgendered Big Brother contestant Da'Vonne Rogers....Dude doesn't look like a lady. 

Jace Agolli: Jace is a 32-year-old personal trainer from Venice Beach, CA.

Pros: Jace also claims to be a semi-pro skateboarder, which would technically make him a professional athlete...?

Cons: There's no shame in being honest and admitting that you're unemployed.

Jace Agolli was busted for disorderly conduct just outside of Atlanta in 2012...Perhaps he was with Audrey Middleton? 

James Huling: A 31-year old retail associate from South Carolina.

Pros: Nobody expects him to win?

Cons: James was Asian until he was adopted by a white family, who turned him into a white redneck. Like most rednecks, James later joined the military and got arrested like most rednecks tend to do.


Jason Roy: A 25-year-old supermarket cashier who live with his mom.

Cons: Jason claims that he has a big mouth, that he is not afraid of conflict, and that he is not easily intimidated despite being short and skinny and the last person picked in gym class during school. He also plans to form an all female alliance because he does not like men...Well, he does like men, just not in a classical friendly kind of way. In other words, Jason is a bitch.

Pros: Jason Roy seems really, really happy to be on Big Brother...And by "happy," I mean really gay.

Skinny jeans aren't a good idea when you're super skinny. Then again, they're not a good idea when you're fat either. For a gay guy, Jason Roy needs to get some fashion sense from someone...Perhaps his mom can start laying clothes out for him. 

John McGuire: A 27-year-old dentist from Scranton, PA.

Pros: John runs in "Tough Mudders," so he has to have decent endurance for challenges.

Cons: Calls himself "Johnny Mac, a/k/a, the rock star dentist," and appears only to be looking for fame and a "showmance."

Just when we thought that dentists couldn't be more unlikable, Big Brother gives us John McGuire.

Liz Nolan: A 23-year-old marketing coordinator from Miami.

Pros: Graduated cum-laude, so she may not just be another pretty face.

Cons: Liz is said to be "a mainstay on the Miami nightlife circuit," so she's probably fucked former Big Brother contestant, Hardy Hill.

Say what you want about her nightlife, Liz Nolan has a great ass. 

Meg Maley: A 25-year-old server from New Jersey/New York City.

Pros: Meg seems like the perfect blend. Good looking, but not so hot and fake that women hate her; Funny, so she can fit in with the guys outside of a showmance; and Sassy, so gay guys love her.

Cons: Tried out for the hockey and baseball teams in high school just so she could flirt with boys...No wait, that's a "Pro" for her too.

Meg Maley is just quirky enough that she might fool some people and fly under the radar. 

Shelli Poole: A 33-year-old interior designer from Atlanta.

Pros: As part of this season's "twin twist," at least one of the two might be likable, right?

Cons: Got turned down for Real Housewives of Atlanta because she got divorced, so Shelli was forced to settle on Big Brother to pursue fame.

As twins, hopefully Shelli Poole and her sister got the same size of fake boobs, or else they'll be easy to tell apart. 

Steve Moses: A 22-year-old Ivy Leaguer from New York who's still a virgin.

Pros: Apparently he's a genius, which may or may not be indirectly proportional to being a virgin.

Cons: His plan to throw people off from his intellect involves sleeping with a teddy-bear...If Steve was serious about throwing people off about how smart he really is, he'd sleep with Shelli.

Steve Moses: Older people can no longer make the cast of Big Brother, but guys like this can...sigh. 

Vanessa Rousso: A 32-year-old professional poker player from Las Vegas.

Pros: She's a professional poker player, so she thinks that makes her a strategist.

Cons: Being a professional poker player makes Vanessa only slightly smarter than the dude who works at a grocery store and lives with his mom.

A super air-brushed pic of Vanessa Rousso...Don't get too worked up guys, she's got a girlfriend. 

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Blogging Survivor: Worlds Apart - "Silly redneck, you're going to get what's coming."



The final episode of the season began with Carolyn forced to justify to her alliance why she didn't tell them she had an Immunity Idol.

After Carolyn reminded them that they tried to blindside her, and that they would have succeeded in voting her out had she not played it, the contestants all moved on to the final Reward Challenge.

That challenge required the players to navigate an obstacle course while retrieving tiles, and then using those tiles to solve a puzzle the fastest in order to receive time with a loved one from back home.

Mike ended up winning the challenge, along with time with his mother and an advantage at the next Immunity Challenge.

Mike's mom got to spend the night at camp, and seemed impressed that Mike wasn't as fat as he used to be.

As for the Immunity Challenge advantage, Mike got to spend 30 minutes alone with his mom going through a maze that the players were going to have to navigate while blindfolded.

That advantage ended up coming in handy, as Mike easily won Immunity for the 4th time.

With Immunity in hand, Mike cut final three deals with Sierra and Carolyn, as well as Rodney and Will heading into Tribal Council.

In the end, Sierra was voted out, as Mike decided to go with his "bros" over the "ho's."

With Sierra gone, the final four competitors moved on to the next Immunity Challenge, which was yet another knot maze/obstacle course to find pieces and solve a a puzzle.

Right on cue, Mike won Immunity yet again, putting him in elite company in Survivor history with five Immunity wins, for which he gave praise to his lord and savior, Richard Hatch.

While Rodney was convinced that Mike would keep Will and himself safe over Carolyn, Will wasn't so sure, and rightfully so.

Sure enough, Mike promised Carolyn that he wouldn't vote her out, but also added the caveat that he wanted the vote to come down to a tie where she and Will would have to make fire the fastest in order to stay in the game.

So in other words, Mike wasn't so much promising her that he'd keep her safe as he was trying to tell her, "Go out in the woods and practice building fire."

Of course, "Momma C" was unable to start a fire even after practicing with the tribe's flint, leaving her "advantage" going into Tribal Council in question.

At Tribal Council, the vote did in fact come down to a tie between Carolyn and Rodney, just as Mike had indicated, which lead to them squaring off in a fire making contest to make it to the final three.

However, both Carolyn and Rodney exhausted their flints without being able to make fire...Several times.

After over an hour, Rodney was finally able to start his fire first, but Carolyn followed by getting hers going immediately after he did.

And while Rodney started off a bit quicker, Carolyn built a better base and ended up winning.

That left Mike as a Blue-Collar, Will as a No-Collar, and Carolyn as a White-Collar in the final three.

Boston Guy wasn't too happy with the way he went out, delusionally thinking that he would have won the whole game had Mike not sent him to the fire making competition.

In fact, he almost seemed to threaten him.

"For this scumbag redneck to make it into a fire making competition...You scared little baby. Silly redneck, you're going to get what's coming."

After Boston Guy's gracious exit, we went straight to the Final Tribal Council, where all of the bitter losers on the Jury got to take their shots at the final three contestants, as well as Jeff Probst.

Mike ended up defeating Carolyn and Will in the Jury Vote, and thanked Jesus Christ for paying the price for his sins "many years ago."

Apparently Mike had an open line of credit with "The Almighty," as it soon came out that Mike had intentionally lied to his BFF, Dan, during the game.

Rodney LaVoie, having calmed down from his tantrum upon exiting the show, apparently spared no expense at the Salvation Army for his suit for the finale.

The final few minutes was reserved for the few, the proud, and the bitter....Namely Dan and Shirin.

Dan had a bone to pick with Jeff Probst, claiming that he was misportrayed on the show, claiming that no matter what the cameras appeared to show, he's really smart and doesn't hate women.

And after Dan gave specific references to when and how his quotes were taken out of context, Jeff went back to the uncut footage, which proved his claims to be erroneous...He really was nothing more than a misogynistic postal worker.

Shirin tried to claim that public opinion was against Will after she falsely accused him of stealing/hording food, which, at least according to the reactions I received via this blog and on Twitter, was not the case the case at all.

And while Will even went as far to offer up an apology to Shirin, who was actually the one in the wrong, she refused to accept it. Actually, she didn't end up flat out rejecting it outright, but she added so many conditions to accepting it that the broadcast ran out of time.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

The Bachelorette Blog - "Meet the Cast"



The new season of The Bachelorette is upon us.

This year ABC is starting with two different Bachelorettes, Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson, with rumor having it that only one of the two will make it to the second show.

Further rumor has it that Britt will be the one going home.

As we all know, Kaitlyn is a...Well, let's just say that we know she's from Canada. We also know that she's not afraid to tell dirty jokes or moon a camera if it gets her a laugh.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe dropping trow and showing the North Americas her Canadian ass. 

As usual, the casting call for The Bachelorette brought out the worst that "man" kind has to offer: Ed Hardy t-shirts, personal trainers, aspiring actors/models/musicians, and soccer players.

With that said, let's take a look at Kaitlyn's...I mean Kaitlyn and Britt's prospective men.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of the guys on the show this season, and my initial impressions of them from their bio's and social media pages:

Brady Toops - A former baseball player at the University of Arkansas, Brady Toops decided to give up a minor league career in order to move to Nashville and wear "deep-V" shirts...I mean become country singer, which speaks volumes about his character...Only in the worst possible way.

Brady Toops is rumored to have left The Bachelorette in order to date Britt Nilsson after she was not chosen to be The Bachelorette by a majority of the guys.  

Ryan McDill - Ryan McDill is the owner of "All Star Auto Parts," which when you look into it, is really just a junkyard. Given that he works with trash for a living, that makes McDill's long term relationship with Nikki Ferrell (before she won The Bachelor with Juan Pablo) make all that more sense.

Ryan McDill is Nikki Ferrell's ex-boyfriend. You may remember her from when she "won" the right to be Juan Pablo's bitch.

Clint Arlis - A former collegiate wrestler at Illinois, Clint Arlis describes himself as "cocky and confident" and is currently an architectural project engineer in Chicago.

Clint Arlis seems like the type of guy who would come to your party and secretly pee in your ice box when no one was looking. 

Corey Stansell - Corey Stansell once owned a "College Hunks Hauling Junk" franchise, which means that he used to work for Ryan McDill (see above).

I love that Corey Stansell apparently thought so much of his volleyball skills to hash tag his own name on his photos. 

Shawn Booth - Shawn Booth is a former college soccer player who went to become a group fitness trainer in Nashville. His bio indicates that he likes "Bro Country" and One Direction, which seems about right for a soccer player.

As a "bro," we should all pray for Shawn Booth's future.


Ryan Beckett - An "equestrian real estate agent" from Boca Raton, FL, Ryan Beckett lists his hobbies as playing polo, show jumping, golf, tennis and sailing.

Basically Ryan Beckett is the douchey white guy in every John Cusack movie in the 1980's. 

Daniel Finney - Daniel Finney describes himself as a socialite and philanthropist from Nashville, which basically means that he throws keggers and gives his guests cab money to get home. He also has his own clothing and furniture lines where he uses reclaimed materials.

Daniel Finney is obviously just came on The Bachelorette to promote his clothing line, so let's just show his his tablecloths and get it over with. 

Shawn Evans - While he describes himself as a "realtor" from Ontario, Shawn Evans also turns out to be an "amateur sex coach," and while I was afraid to Google what that means, I'm 100% sure it means he has to register with authorities and can't live withing 500 yards of a school or park.

Shawn Evans also bills himself as a "single dad." Unfortunately, his daughter lives with her mother, not him, so while he's technically single, he's not really much of a "dad."

J.J. Lane III - J.J. Lane is a single dad from Denver who describes himself as an entrepreneur.

Unlike Shawn Evans, we have evidence that J.J. Lane III actually gets to see his kid. 


Tanner Tolbert - Tanner Tolbert, an assistant finance manager for Honda in Kansas City, is yet another dude who loves "Bro Country." I don't get it.

Tanner Tolbert: Unlike casting calls for The Bachelor, The Bachelorette apparently didn't require the prospective contestants to take their shirts off. 

Ben Higgins -
 Ben Higgins is business analyst from Denver...That's pretty much it.

Ben Higgins...Not sure how he got on the show.

Ben Zorn - A former football player at San Jose State, Ben Zorn is now a fitness trainer and lists his biggest accomplishment as obtaining his certification as a personal trainer.

Ben Zorn: Becoming a personal trainer is kind of the adult equivalence of passing the Presidential Physical Fitness Test back in grade school. Sure you get a nice certificate, but it doesn't mean anything more than you being able to do the "flex arm hang."  

Bradley Cox - Bradley Cox is a former D-1 collegiate tennis player, and now sells cars in Atlanta.

Bradley Cox said in his bio that he would want to be Tom Brady, so he could play in prime time and go home to have sex with a super model who looks like a dude. 

Chris Strandburg - Currently a dentist in Nashville, Chris Strandburg was once an Abercrombie model and a contestant on The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency.

So in other words, Chris Strandburg is either gay, or he's covered in Janice Dickenson's stink. Either way, his past is not going to go over well on the show. 

Cory Shivar - Cory Shivar indicated that his biggest fear about a date is finding out that she's really a dude, so he had to be relieved when this year's Bachelorette wasn't Jillian Anderson from last season with Chris Soules.

Cory Shivar graduated Cum Laudie in Construction Management, which is kind of like graduating at the top of your class in psychology...You still didn't really go to college.   

David Blackguy David is a 26-year-old real estate agent in Orlando, which after the housing market crash in central Florida, has to be about as difficult as being one of the token black guys on The Bachelorette.

David I'm not really sure what David's real last name is, and I'm not really sure that he'll be around long enough for me to find out.

Ian Thompson - Ian Thompson went to Princeton, only to settle to become a "recruiter," showing just how bad the economy is these days.

Ian Thompson 

Jared Haibon - Jared Haibon lists himself as an aspiring actor/model, but he's really just a restraurant manager given that he's 26 and still lives in Rhode Island.

Jared Haibon: Somebody got suckered into buying "glamour shots" at the mall!

Joe Bailey - Joe Bailey is an insurance salesman. He also calls himself a racehorse owner, but lives in the part of Kentucky where they don't grow thoroughbreds, so I'm thinking this guy is full of shit.

Joe Bailey apparently got his casting call one year too late, as he's on record as saying, "I would totally appear on The Bachelorette to fall in love with Andi Dorfman. Sadly, that says as much about his taste in women as it does about his intentions for this season. 

Jonathan Holloway - A 33-year-old auto spokesman from Detroit, Jonathan  claims to "Always try to listen to a woman's needs, not just in the bedroom," which is his polite way of saying that he "doesn't go down."

Jonathan Holloway: There are token reality show black guys, and then there are black guys from Detroit. Ever since VH-1 cancelled their dating shows, they all end up on The Bachelorette.

Josh Seiter - Josh is a 27-year-old law student from Chicago.

Josh Seiter is also a stripper by night, proving that some people really do put themselves through law school by stripping, it's just that none of them are women. 

Joshua Albers - Joshua Albers actually majored in theater at Idaho State University, which was his way of trying to tell his friends and family that he was gay before he went to technical college and became a welder.

Joshua Albers, showing the perils of bad tattoos. When you live in cool places, you get talented artists who ink your designs. When you live in Idaho, you get little kids who color starfish and drink coasters on your arms in permanent marker. 

Justin Reich - Justin Reich is a personal trainer and single dad from Illinois.

Given that it looks like he has his son at a monster truck rally, the state of Illinois might want to reconsider Justin Reich's custody arrangement (in fairness to Justin, at least he made his kid wear earphones).

Kupah James - A 32-year-old "Entrepreneur" from Boston, Kupah James apparently thinks that having a Macbook and an iTunes account makes you a D.J.

Is it a coincidence that Kupah James set up his D.J. table along side what appears to be a group of fat white women doing yoga? Yeah, that was a rhetorical question. 

Tony Harris - Tony Harris is a 35-year-old "healer" from St. Louis. If I was on the show, the first thing I would do is punch him in the face.

A "healer" like Tony Harris seems like a better match for somebody like Jenny McCarthy than Kaitlyn Bristowe.