Thursday, October 23, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "Another conversation? This ought to be good."

While Coyopa began this week's episode coming off of their first Immunity Challenge victory, at Hunahpu, Jon was left scrambling after his closest ally, Drew, was blindsided.

Don't worry for Jon Misch too much though, Sparty usually has a way of  persevering. 

Upon arriving at the Immunity Challenge, Coyopa also seemed shocked that Drew was voted out.

And when Jeff Probst asked Baylor why she looked so shocked that Drew was voted out she responded, "I thought that Drew was Mr. Popular," which caused most of the Hunahpu Tribe to break out laughing.

Drew Christy: Rule number one, male models are never, ever popular...That is, except for Gisele Bundchen.

However, the big surprise came when Jeff told the contestants to drop their buffs and prepare for a re-draw of the tribes.

The new Hunahpu Tribe saw boyfriends Reed and Josh land together, along with Wes, Alec, Jeremy, Julie and Natalie.

Coyopa landed three sets of loved ones with Jon and Jaclyn, Kelley and Dale, Missy and Baylor, as well as Keith, who astutely noted, "I know that's not good Jeff."

Reed and Josh decided to sneak off in order to have sex, as did Kelley and Dale.

Actually, Josh informed the audience that he and Reed had decided to remain abstinent until they get married, which meant that they just did each other up the ass, kind of like teenage girls do these days so they can still call themselves "virgins."

...And in Reed Kelly and Josh Canfield's case, they just might end up being "virgins" for life.

Jon and Jaclyn had no shortage of PDA with one another after being reunited on Coyopa.

Baylor admitted that she was a little jealous, but in a non-bitchy kind of way.

"I'm totally jealous, I'm sitting here single, twenty...My mom's made her share of mistakes. She's been married three times, and divorced three times. My time will come, my mom's next time will come," as she broke out laughing.

After Missy helped exhaust Hunahpu's food supply, she immediately came over to Coyopa and began cooking up an extra large batch of rice, which pissed Dale off, especially since he was already at odds with her daughter Baylor.

Kelley did her best to calm her dad down before he lost his shit.

"Missy plays that sweet mom role, but she can be a bit of a diva, while my dad is a small town hardworking farm man, and he doesn't deal with that kind of stuff."

Or as Dale said, "She's a self centered bossy bitch." Hmm...Do I smell a love connection?!?

The old Coyopa players arrived at Hunahpu and quickly realized that the old tribe had essentially devoured all of their food.

Or as Josh said, "There were some very fool hearty players on this side. It's very very frustrating," mainly referring to Missy and Drew, who apparently liked to eat two big meals a day before he was voted out.

The Immunity Challenge was set up as a race for each tribe to dig up a bag with keys, crawl through a huge mud pit, open a gate and shake down twenty sandbags from a pole, and then toss ten of those bags onto a wobbly platform.

Hunahpu ended up winning easily, tossing all of their bags before Coyopa even made it to their platform, which, by yet another technicality, allowed Josh Canfield and Reed Kelly to claim that they're still abstinent.

Reminiscent of Immunity Challenges past, Reed wanted to barter with Jeff Probst saying, "Jeff, when you get a sec we'd like to talk to you please."

That caused Jeff to sigh, "Another conversation? This ought to be good."

And with Reed informing him that their tribe was in dire straits when it came to their food supply, Jeff informed them that he would get back with them after Tribal Council, but warned them that any trade would not come cheap.

Heading into Tribal Council, Kelley and Dale, who were on the outs with Baylor and Missy, approached Jon and Jaclyn about working together.

Dale even did his best to kiss Jon and Jaclyn's asses saying, "We got your back Michigan."

And when Dale spoke up at Tribal Council and declared, "To be perfectly honest, they're (Jon and Jaclyn) the hottest couple in camp right now," Baylor joined in the love fest saying, "They're the hottest couple, period."

In the end, Jon and Jaclyn decided that it was in their best interest to work with Baylor and Missy, and Kelley was voted out, which left her father Dale steaming as he headed back to camp alone.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "Are you even gay?"

This week we rejoined the house in the aftermath of Hayden's eviction, which left his girlfriend Nicole freaking the fuck out.

The normally passive Nicole even went so far as to confront her former best friend Christine for misleading her as to what was going to happen, which almost lead to an angry pillow fight.

Zach, trying way to hard to make himself a villain, tried to push Nicole's buttons proclaiming out loud, "I'm happy, I voted to evict Nicole's boyfriend!"

Even Frankie tried to chime in by calling Nicole untrustworthy, and tried to say that she threw him under the bus by outing him when she targeted Zach.

I'm pretty sure that Nicole wasn't the one who "outed" Frankie Grande.

The HOH was a tournament styled competition where the contestants had to answer questions after quickly glancing at an optometrist styled eye chart with encrypted information.

Sure enough, the embattled Nicole ended up winning HOH, along with her best friend/enemy/frenemy, Christine. 

Even though she was the HOH, for some reason Nicole outed her alliance with Cody and Derrick upon talking with Zach, who didn't try to hide the fact that he didn't like her.

On the plus side, Caleb volunteered to go up as a pawn for Nicole against Frankie for having a hand in getting Amber out of the house.

When it was Christine who ended up nominating Zach along with Donny, Zach stood up and pointed at Christine and Frankie yelling, "You're a huge fucking liar, and you're a huge fucking liar. I'm going to leave it at that. Fuck both of you."

In order to promote Thursday Night Football on CBS, the BOB Competition required the two teams to work together and use ropes to raise a ball up a board in order to score a touchdown, with the winners also getting a special NFL experience outside of the house.

However, when Frankie outed Caleb for throwing the BOB BEFORE the competition even began, Caleb decided that he wasn't going work with Frankie because he was the one who was responsible for getting his crush, Amber, voted out.

Caleb then sat down and refused to play in the BOB saying, "That's what happens when you break trust and loyalty."

However, somehow Frankie still managed to win a game that was meant for two people all by himself, which caused him to break out in orgasm."


Astonishingly, Frankie's win not only took himself off of the block, but Caleb as well.

Knowing that the house was still against him (and after blurting a shout out out to his famous sister upon winning the BOB), Frankie decided to tell the house that he was related to pop star Ariana Grande in order to regain their favor.

After Frankie came clean about his famous family, a dumbfounded Caleb asks the obvious question, "Are you even gay?"

The POV Competition brought back "Otev," this time as the the pissed off penguin, who sounded a lot like Gilbert Godfrey.

Otev would ask the contestants for a drink named after an evicted guest, and they shoot down water slide to find hidden cards with the correct house guest's name and return to the platform, with the last player to return with the correct answer each round getting eliminated.

Zach ended up winning the POV, and while he reconciled with Frankie, he was still looking for a way to back door him...He also wanted to get him out of the house.

Zach also told Victoria about the secret "Detonators" alliance, who in turn freaked out. In turn, Zach freaked out because he realized that he had blabbed to a blabber.

Of course, Zach blamed the whole thing on Nicole, which caused Derrick to confront everyone.

With the house called together, Zach admitted that he lied, which was ironic since he was the one who called out Frankie for being a liar earlier.

At Veto meeting Zach used his POV on himself, which caused Christine to puts up Nicole, her best friend, as a replacement nominee.

And when Nicole was voted out, she had the dubious distinction of going from HOH to evicted in one week.

When Connie Chung asked her who that could happen, Nicole deadpanned, "Because I was a physical beast," drawing laughs from the audience.

However, Nicole clearly had her feelings hurt, and said that the only person left in the house that she wanted to talk to going forward was Donny.

The HOH Competition was based upon an "emergency message" about a Zombie Apocalypse that the competitors had to listen to, and then answer questions about.


Sadly, Caleb Reynolds got bit and turned into a zombie as he was daydreaming about Amber.

With Derrick and Frankie winning HOH, we left off with former contestant Rachel Reilly discussing her most recent venereal disease with Connie Chung.

Being from Texas, Caleb Reynolds always dreamed of going to Texas Tech and becoming their "bell ringer." Sadly, he was too stupid, so he joined the Army. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "Stop playing big baby, let's play Big Brother!"

This week picked off with a grueling skating themed HOH Competition still in progress.

Or as Victoria said, "This competition is a nightmare. This feels like I'm freekin' running up the escalator at the mall. I'm literally staying in one place, but my energy's all gone."

For some reason, in Victoria Rafaeli's real life, which pretty much consists of lying by the pool and taking selfies, I don't think she needs a whole lot of energy. 

With Derrick far behind the leaders, he elected to go for the smaller bowl to fill and the $5,000 prize instead of HOH.

Caleb, in clear pain, mumbled to himself, "You can cry when it's over, you can cry when it's over," before going on to win HOH...and crying.

During the competition, Nicole gave a tip to go faster to Christine, which didn't go over well with the rest of The Detonator alliance, who saw Christine as playing both sides.

Or as Victoria said about Christine, "She's just so fake where I can't even stand it."

With Derrick ignoring her, and Victoria not used to being ignored, she snapped at him, "Are you not even in this conversation?"

Either Victoria Rafaeli gained weight in her face this summer, or she was attacked by a swarm of Botox.

When Caleb put Nicole up as a Have Not, she flipped out and wanted to go back home to Michigan before Derrick consoled her...Not because he was being a good guy, but because he was being a good player who wanted her Jury vote.

Not realizing that The Detonators had been using her all summer, Christine declared, "I'm not that nervous, I think it's going to be pretty straight forward."

Right on cue, Caleb nominated Nicole along with Christine for eviction.

The POV Competition required the contestants to watch video and cut wires to prevent a bomb from detonating, which was slightly ironic for Nicole and Christine.

Basically, it was a game of memory, with smoke bombs blowing up in your face in the event you got your "match" wrong.

When Christine won the POV, Frankie whispered something in her ear. Paranoid as always, Caleb not happy that Frankie spoke with one of their other alliance members, and demanded to know what Frankie had told her, which was that he would have gone to the end with her.

With Cody being the first player eliminated in the POV, he "won" a dinosaur costume.

With the dinosaur costume, Caleb Calafiore looked very ferocious with stubby little arms...Kind of like Caleb Reynolds.

At the Veto Meeting, Christine took herself off the block, and Caleb decided to put Victoria up as his replacement nominee instead of Frankie.

Even the intellectually challenged Victoria saw that Caleb lacked the cojones to make a big move saying, "Caleb did not make a big game move. Honestly, he's just a wimp."

Worse yet, Caleb told Frankie that he had considered putting him up as a replacement nominee, and Frankie asked him, "Who brought it up?" Sure enough, Caleb told  him it was Cody.

In a giant Detonators shit storm, Frankie decided to target Derrick, even though Derrick was the one who saved him from being a replacement nominee by talking Caleb out of it.

To top things off, before the Eviction Ceremony began, Connie Chung announced that it was going to be a surprise double eviction.

In her eviction speech Nicole pleaded for someone to make a bold game move by saying, "Stop playing big baby, let's play Big Brother and let's do some big game moves."

However, even Christine voted to evict her friend Nicole, who was evicted in a unanimous vote.

Not realizing that Connie Chung doesn't get a jury vote, Cody tried to kiss ass by saying, "Julie, you look amazing," to which Connie Chung said, "I wish I could say the same about you," in reference to his dino-tard.

The house guests then immediately went to another HOH Competition, with video statements from evicted house guests where the contestants had to guess "true of false" on a a statement that was said to be there bleeped out words.

Derrick won the HOH, and immediately was forced to nominate Victoria and Christine, saying that he was "Going with the house."

Frankie won the POV, which required the players to navigate a ball through three table mazes.

And with Frankie declining to use the POV, Christine was evicted in a unanimous 3-0 vote by her fellow Detonator alliance members, who elected to keep floater Victoria in the house.

Obviously pissed off, Christine didn't say good bye to anyone, and just abruptly left the house, which might have been the wrong decision since she walked out to a chorus of angry boos from viewers disgusted by the way she disrespected her husband by being a little more than flirtatious with Cody.

As Christine left the game in shame, Connie Chung announced another twist.

That twist was called "The Big Brother Rewind," which was described as a chance to replay an entire week of the game as two nominees were on the block, provided that the house decided to hit the "Rewind Button," not knowing what the consequence would be.

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "I'm planning on bring him in for a real close bro hug, maybe play with his hair a little bit to see what all the fuss is"

This week picked off with Nicole having rejoined the house after defeating the other Jury Members, and The Detonators scrambling to tell Victoria that she was still safe...not because they liked her, but because she was too stupid to be considered a real threat to their game.

For some reason Caleb decided to brag about his karate skills saying, "I'm a third degree black belt. Jet Li, Jackie Chan, they don't hold a candle to "Beast Mode Cowboy."

He then proceeded to do some sort of kick and fell flat on his ass.


You may have heard of the "downward dog," well Caleb Reynolds calls this move "Beast Mode Backside."

A "boxing" themed HOH Competition required the contestants to figure out day in the house that a certain event occurred, and then "punch" it into a scoreboard. 

After Cody fell down trying to punch in one of his answers, Cody ended up beating Donny in final round for to capture the title of HOH.

With Caleb back on the crazy kick that Donny was "military special intelligence," and that he "has an IQ of at 150, I guarantee it," Cody nominated Donny and Nicole for eviction.

In a medical scare, Nicole found Victoria unconscious on the bathroom floor, which meant that she either passed out taking a hard poo or while getting bulimic.

And since Nicole seemed to indicate that Victoria Rafaeli had her pants on when she found her, I'm going with the whole Bulimia thing. 

Thankfully, the Big Brother medic slowly made his way through the house before he began to attend to her, before officially announcing that Victoria's illness was due to her "wisdom teeth," wink, wink.

Fortunately, Victoria returns in time not to be a factor in the Veto Competition, which was a Big Brother classic, looking at a lot of identical objects and guessing how many there were.

With the closest guess each round earning a point and the furthest away getting eliminated, the competitors also had the option of folding and simply moving on to the next round.

With Christine guessing that the POV would be the annual counting competition, she put a plan together for each of her alliance members to stay in for a particular round to maximize their odds of taking their target, Donny, out.

Frankie's turn to stay in round one, loses to Donny who got his first of three cards.

With Cody holding two points and only needing three to win the POV, nominees Donny and Nicole each decided to fold. Not only did that automatically hand Cody the POV, but it disproved Caleb's theory that Donny was a secret genius and military intelligence once and for all.

The first flaw with Caleb Reynold's theory is that no intelligent person has voluntarily joined the military in the last forty years.

With Caleb trying to do an impersonation of Nicole's in house boyfriend Hayden, Nicole quipped, "Sorry Caleb, but Hayden's a guy who can actually get a girl in the Big Brother House," in reference to Caleb's embarrassing one-sided courtship with Amber.

Caleb Reynolds might be the only guy in America not to get a girl after buying an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

Meanwhile, Christine's husband Tim Brecht tried to act cool when he was interviewed about how he felt about Christine holding hands and snuggling with Cody, even though he clearly wasn't cool with it.

Clearly hurt, Christine's husband said, "Boundaries have been crossed...Both of them could throw a little respect my way."

However, he came across as the bigger person when he joked, "When I see Cody I'm planning on bring him in for a real close bro hug, maybe play with his hair a little bit to see what all the fuss is about."

Tim Brecht and Christine Brecht...or whatever her maiden name was.

Even Christine's dad was embarrassed saying, "It's uncomfortable as a father to watch," in regards to her blatant disrespect towards her husband on national TV.

In the end, Donny was evicted by a vote of 5-0.

The good hearted and genuine Donny was in tears as he comes on stage to meet with Connie Chung, who informed him that she had already been contacted by the soap opera The Bold and the Beautiful, who wanted him to guest star on their show...Preferably as some sort of character who was a genius and in military special intelligence.

The house guests then began a skating themed HOH Competition where they had to fill a cup with liquid, and then skate or slide down a lane to fill a glass snowman high enough to remove a floating piece of coal.


That of course, left all sorts of hilarity. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

The Big Brother 16 Blog - "I'm doing everything I can to fit this bone in the dag gone hole"

With Frankie and Derrick winning the two HOH spots, The Detonators guaranteed Victoria that she's safe.

Victoria Rafaeli: And by safe, they meant free to eat as many cheeseburgers non-kosher hot dogs as she could before she checks into Jenny Craig on her way back to her parents' house(s). 

Upon seeing Frankie's artifacts from home in his HOH Room, Zach declared,"Frankie's sister is a smoke bomb" (referring to his famous sister, Arianna Grande), while Caleb exclaimed, "She's beautiful!"

The Detonators were essentially forced to nominate one of their own, and with nobody volunteering, they decide to go with a random draw based upon skittle colors.

With Christine's color getting drawn along with Cody's, Derrick nominated Donny and Christine, while Frankie nominates Caleb and Cody.

That was clearly painful to Frankie, or as he said, "All summer both of you have been teasing me with your amazing abs, your perky pecs, your sensual smiles, and your bubble buttocks...Also I picked your candy out of this hat."

Caleb Calafiore: At this point, Frankie Grandie was just using his power in the house to try out cutting edge jock straps. 

The Detonators asked Christine to throw the BOB Competition so they could vote Donny out, which she agreed to do.

The final BOB Competition was the "black box," or a dark room where players have to find bones hidden in the dark, with the first team to find five winning and taking themselves off the block.

That left Caleb confused and saying, "I'm doing everything I can to fit this bone in the dag gone hole."

Caleb Reynolds: The "abdominal douche bag." 

Donny realized Christine is throwing it when he found his team's first four bones, handed another to Christine (which she gave to the other team), and then found the 5th and won the BOB all on his own!

The janitor actually provided some of the best insight of the game all season when he said, "Derrick has blowed smoke up everybody's tail this whole season," even though "blowed" isn't really recognized as a word real outside of North Carolina or a strip club.

As some much needed relief, the Zingbot arrived, but only to throw out compliments to the players.

Then D-List comedian Kathy Griffin arrived to try and fuck Victoria, and if that didn't work, fix the Zingbot.

Some of her better "zings" included:

"Caleb, you and Amber have something in common. You think she's drop dead gorgeous, and she wants you to drop dead." 
"Christine, people think that wearing glasses makes people look smarter. Thanks for disproving that." 
"Victoria, I would zing you, but I'm only supposed to zing people who are actually playing the game."


The POV Competition had the contestants follow a maize to connect cables to a circuit box, light up all four in order to "reboot the Zingbot" and win.

Frankie ended up winning the POV and used it on Caleb in order to replace him with Zach, because the house suspected him of stealing personal items from the house when it was really Team America.

Sadly, Frankie decided to make his replacement nominee a not so Broadway worthy production:

"I'm going to take a page from my best friend Zach Attach, but I'm going to do it better because your shit was kind of whack, I love you so much, and I want for you to stay, but if I don't put you up, I'm going to look cray cray. So Zach my friend, go and have a seat, it's time for you and Julie Chen to finally meet." 

Fortunately, the Zingbot returned to his form of old to put Frankie and the others in their place:

Frankie, that's a nice tan, but I'm surprised you get any sun at all considering how much time you spend in your sister's shadow. 
"Cody, you're such a nice guy, you haven't made any enemies this summer, except for maybe Christine's husband."

Desperate to stay in the game, Zach asked Caleb if it would change his opinion to vote for him if he promised him to never come after him. However, Caleb all but ignored him and said, "No."

In her first victory of the season, Victoria stole her pink hat back from Zach and tore it apart, which caused him much grief.

Or as he yelled, "I need a hat...I need a woman's hat!" That caused Victoria to gloat, "This is the most satisfying thing I've done all summer!"

Sadly, those were both accurate statements.

Knowing that he had to shake up the game, Donny tried to tell Christine that she was at the ass end of "The Detonator" alliance, but to no avail.

Knowing that he was going home, Zach lobbied Frankie and informed him that despite their differences, he was still his best friend, and that he would never put him up.

Sadly, a hand job probably would have worked better.

At the live vote. Zach announced that he'd see Julie soon, asks people to follow him on Facebook for his eviction speech.

And when asked why he was evicted Zach told Connie Chung, "One reason, because I couldn't keep my mouth shut."

Regarding his on again of again flirtation with Frankie, Zach said, "He had my game in the palm of his hands," and by game, Zach meant, "his penis."

Asked why he acted like such a douche at times Zach explained, "I thought if everyone hates me enough, they would not give me the satisfaction of sending me home. Clearly, that was not the case."

In what was billed as the big twist of the summer, the evicted Jury Members finally competed to return to the game.

That meant that Zach, Hayden, Jocasta and Nicole all got to compete in a seven round battle to slide discs onto a moving turntable, with however ended up with the most discs on the table at the end returning to the Big Brother House.

Fortunately, Nicole ended up winning, which meant that somebody was going to go back into the house and try to shake things up, unlike Jocasta or Zach.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "You fruit loop dingus!"

This week began with Hayden fantasizing over his girlfriend Nicole and her Wiener-tard saying, "We're like Hansel and Gretle."

Of course, Nicole seemed to have no idea what Hayden's wiener related fetish was as she replied, "Come on, I don't even you all these people."

Nicole Franzel: C'mon Nicole, you're almost from Frankenmuth!"

As HOH, Zach wanted to target Amber because "A little birdie on my shoulder" told him she was shooting for the guys.

That caused Zach to turn to Frankie for a hug, or as he said, "That was the best hug I've had in my entire life."

After Caleb realized that you can't unilaterally make a woman your girlfriend outside the South, he began to question his crush, Amber.

"Amber is gettin' a little too big for her britches in this house, and she's forgettin' who's keepin' her in this game."

However, with Caleb being deathly afraid of pickles, Amber dared him, "What if I said I'll go on a date with you if you eat a pickle."

But after Caleb sucked that pickle down like he was Snookie while she was drunk and pregnant, Amber second guessed her offer by
saying, "Next time think before you speak."

That lead to a really awkward and silent date between Caleb and Amber, which Caleb thought went awesome.

On the other hand, Amber wanted nothing more to do with him. "This was my first and last date with Caleb. I'm not interested, I just don't think he realizes it."

Caleb Reynolds: Sadly Amber, guys in Ed Hardy t-shirts never seem to realize it. 

Zach nominated Christine and Nicole for eviction saying, "If we pulled out the Big Brother dictionary and pulled out the word floater, there'd be a picture of you holding hands with Jen City."

He then went on to reference Nicole being a student of the game and said." You fruit loop dingus, I bet you didn't see this coming."

On the other hand, Frankie managed to nominate Jocasta and Victoria without making any reference to either one of them being a "fruit loop dingus."

The Battle of the Block Contest required the contestants to build and giant wedding cake and stand on top of it the fastest.

And while that would have seemed to favor Victoria Rafaeli, we all quickly realized that she may not be marriage material. 

In the end, Christine and Nicole ended up winning, leaving Victoria and Jocasta on the block.

Victoria, like any little rich princess, was less than pleased and pouted, "This sucks, Jocasta and I just lost the Battle of the Block, and to be honestly, it was all her fault."

Zach tried to stir the pot and intentionally ate food in front of the Have-Nots (Hayden, Christine and Nicole) saying, "That's what you get for being lazy."

That caused Zach's biggest ally, Frankie, to say, "If Zach doesn't stop running around terrorizing the country side, the villagers are going to revolt."

After her punishment was over, Nicole stripped off her Wiener-tard, causing Hayden to lose his mind over her wiener purge.

Or as he said, "Nicole is a terrible stripper, but I wouldn't have it any other way...I'm a little bit turned on."

We next learned that Derrick's grandpa died, which made me think that a ridiculous number of grandparents seem to die at work on Fridays on reality TV shows...Just saying.

Finally starting to realize that Amber wasn't into him, Caleb decided to go into "Beast Mode Cowboy," you know, because women respond to that.

"It pisses me off. I can't even look at Amber right now. 'You can't even talk to the king of this house?' No more romantic cowboy in this house!"

Zach, in denial about being gay, slept in the HOH bedroom with Frankie and gave him a back rub, which started out heterosexually enough.
Zach: "Who wants a back rub?!?" 
Frankie: "Me!" 
Zach: "I just like to sleep on you...I'm not gay, but if I was, (Frankie) would be my man for sure."
Frankie: "You'd be having the best sex of your life...Zach, are you going to make a move?"

I guess we'll just have to save that thought until the Jury House...Or maybe next week.

The Veto Competition was a cowboy themed contest where the competitors had to rock a horse to gain enough time to stack 50 gold bars before their time re-set, or go back and rock the horse to get more time.

Victoria proclaimed "All the house guests in the house think that I'm just some princess, but guess what, I'm a warrior princess." She still ended up losing.

Jocasta was obviously feeling a bit sexually frustrated about being away from her man when she said, "I'm making this high enough so Jesus can lay his hands on my blocks, cause lord knows I need his hands laid on me, Hallelujah!"

Hayden ended up winning, mainly because Christine hit her buzzer not realizing that she still had gold bars laying on the ground.

Hayden decided to use the Veto on Victoria, knowing that Frankie's plan was to backdoor Amber.

That caused Zach to say, "I know that we need to get 'Beast Mode Cowboy' on board with back-dooring Amber's pretty little butt this week," which was technically a correct statement, yet wrong in so many ways.

Even though he was being manipulated to think that he needed to go along with putting his crush Amber up for eviction just to "scare her," Caleb declared, "I've got this game in my fingertips."

That cause Frankie to say, "I don't know who's more clueless about what's going to happen this week, Caleb or Amber. I just might be able to pull off a double blindside."

At the Nomination Ceremony, Zach just couldn't leave well enough alone, as he took the stage and put himself on the spot and called Amber out.

"Hold on, I have to say something, I want to say something. Beast Mode Cowboy has saved you twice already in this game. He risked $500K on you, more than all of your boyfriend's have spent on you combined...And then to top it all off he ate a pickle, a freakin' pickle!"

Amber diplomatically chose not to respond. "He wants a reaction out of me, he's not going to get it."

Thursday's live eviction began with Connie Chung saying, "Caleb calls himself a 'hopeless romantic,' but this romance is just plain hopeless."

Mistakenly thinking that he had put Amber on the block just to scare her, Caleb told Amber that the rest of the alliance was on board with the plan to nominate her.

Frankie seemed shocked that Caleb thought he was responsible for Amber's nomination and actually took the blame. "I haven't seen a cowboy cry this much since Brokeback Mountain.

Unable to control her feelings for Caleb, Amber told Christine that she wants him gone Of course, as the most unreliable person in the house, Christine told Frankie, who in turn told Caleb, who in turn stormed off.

That left Caleb to finally see the light that the African American Amber wanted nothing to do with his redneck ass. "It is very clear in my eyes now that I have been blinded since day one."

Sadly, Caleb Reynolds can't understand why a black girl wouldn't like him. 

In their eviction speeches, Jocasta praised God and played the loyalty card, while Amber was much more intellectual and just sat around looking pretty.

After Amber got voted out, in part because of Caleb, Amber told Connie Chung, "I'm sorry I was not interested in him, and I'm not going to pretend to be to win some money," making her the coolest girl to ever appear on a reality TV show.

Caleb Reynolds is going to lose his tiny redneck freakin' mind when he realizes that Amber Borzotra has posed naked. 

Regarding Caleb's infatuation with her Amber asked Connie, "He has my bunny slippers still, can I at least get those back?" To which Connie truthfully replied, "I don't think your getting those back."

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "So basically I'm a badass, the manipulator of this game."

Coyopa began this week's episode as the happiest tribe to ever return from Tribal Council, mainly because they were able to vote John Rocker out of the game.

After Hunahpu had to give up their reward of fishing gear to get fire back after losing their flint two weeks ago, Natalie found it in the sand right next to their fire pit.

That caused Reed to say, "I didn't feel like we were that dumb to leave it in the fire pit."

...Which caused me to ask, "Why were Reed Kelly and Hunahpu so dumb that they didn't even think to dig through their fire pit for their flint before crying to Jeff Probst and having to give up their reward?" And more importantly, "Is this how Reed Kelly met his ex, Clay Aiken?"

At the Reward Challenge, the news that John Rocker had been voted out by Coyopa was met by applause from Hunahpu.

Better yet, Drew informed Jeff Probst that they had found their flint, and had the balls to ask him if they could trade it for half of the fishing gear that they had traded away for their second flint.

And when Jeff pretended to entertain that offer, Jon Misch laughed it off by saying, "I feel like you're taunting us," to which Jeff replied, "I am taunting you, put the flint back, you made the trade."

The Reward Competition itself required one competitor to use a grappling hook to retrieve three bags of balls, and then use a catapult to launch balls into five different baskets.

With the winner getting a choice between comfort supplies like blankets and pillows  or food for a grill out, Jon Misch squared off against his girlfriend, Jaclyn.

In a closer than expected contest between an ex D-I football player and a pageant queen, Jon came from behind to win and sent Jaclyn to Exile Island.

He also chose Drew to join her there, who would have been the last person I would have sent to spend the night alone with my girlfriend.

Even though Jaclyn Schultz rejected him, I'm pretty sure that Drew Christy will still tell his friends that spent the night with "Miss Michigan."

Or as Drew noted, "I've got a pretty Miss Michigan chick out here, but I'm not out here looking for love, definitely not with one of my buddies' girl," as he blatantly stared at her ass when she bent over.

Fortunately for John, Jaclyn laughed after she recalled how Drew's brother had warned her that Drew was a "ladies man."

Keith used his clue, but still couldn't find the Hidden Immunity Idol for Hunahpu.

That left Keith convinced him that Jeremy had already found it after he returned from Exile Island a week earlier, and he told that to anyone who would listen to him.

When news got back to Jeremy, he was pissed that Keith had put him on the spot without even asking him.

Sure enough, Keith kept looking, and then found Hunahpu's Idol. And like any racist from Louisiana, he didn't apologize to Jeremy, or tell anyone else.

The Immunity Challenge required the teams to swim out to and dive off a platform one-by-one to retrieve a floating ring, and then swim back with it so other team members could toss those rings onto a target.

Drew insisted on tossing the rings for Coyopa, and then proceeded to fuck up the challenge, which gave Coyopa their first win.

Of course, Drew had said that he was going to throw the challenge after he arrived from Exile Island so he could "get rid of some of the snakes."

Feeling pretty good about himself, like all wanna be male models do, Drew said, "So basically I'm a bad ass, the manipulator of this game."

After getting voted out Drew Christy said, "I'm obviously a physically and sexual threat to the them (referring to the girls)."

And when he said "getting rid of some of the snakes," Drew decided that the person who needed to go was Kelley, since she was "low key and very observant," just like most snakes.

Of course, nobody else seemed to be on board with that plan, and Jeremy even called him out in front of the rest of the tribe.

Forgetting that she was too fat to be a girl, Natalie proposed that the girls should consider getting rid of Drew.

She then took her plan to Jeremy who said, "Yeah, he's a moron, but that's a big move."

On the other hand, Jeremy wanted to get rid of Keith for personal reasons, even though John also wanted to get rid of his friend Drew.

Socially unaware, Drew rallied the guys by saying, "I'm telling you, let's get Kelley out tonight, and then all these bitches don't know what to do other than come to us. Trust me guys," not even noticing that Kelley was standing right next to him.

At Tribal Council, Jeremy called out Keith for insinuating that he had the Hidden Immunity Idol without even asking him about it first considering that they were supposed to be in an alliance together.

And while Keith tried to downplay what he had told the rest of the tribe, Natalie confirmed that Keith didn't say "I think, he said, 'I tell ya one thing, Jeremy got that Idol.'"

However, like a true manipulator of the game Drew got voted out, which was funny considering that he threw the Immunity Challenge to get rid of some of the snakes...Fortunately for us, he did!