Saturday, December 15, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I guess it bit me on my big Brazilian ass"

The final episode of the season began with Michael Skupin winning the first Reward Challenge, which consisted of racing into the ocean to collect rings, and then tossing them onto to poles.

As his reward, he won a whale watching cruise complete with pizza a pop. Able to take two other players with him, he selected Malcolm and Lisa, leaving enemies Abi and Denise alone together back at camp.

Not realizing that she was totally expendable, Abi complained "I guess my vote doesn't mean anything."

Abi kept trying to make the other members believe that she had found a hidden Immunity Idol, even though she hadn't. Unfortunately, nobody was buying in on her lie.

Or as Denise said, "She keeps talking about how she's got the hidden Immunity Idol. None of us believes she has one, not even for a minute."

At his reward, Skupin decided to drink pop, even though he never drinks sugar in real life. Fast forward 15 minutes, and he was acting like a drunk girl on her 21st birthday.

That caused Malcolm to observe, "All of a sudden Michael Skupin's fun to be around. Who knew?"

Denise was bit in the neck by some sort of insect, which caused crazy religious zealot Lisa Whelchel to pray for God to "push the poison out."

On the other hand, Abi was not so sympathetic. "I came her not to be feeling bad for other people, I came here for a million dollars," as she flashed an evil and opportunistic grin.

The Immunity Challenge involved laying planks to cross a rope bridge, grabbing puzzle pieces along the way. Malcolm ended up winning, giving him both Immunity and the hidden Immunity Idol.

However, when Denise asked him if he would consider giving her his Immunity Idol since it was the last Tribal Council at which anyone could play it, he declined, selfishly saying that he wanted to save it as a souvenir for his mother.

Tribal Council began with Abi proclaiming how Skupin would not win the game. When Jeff Probst asked him what he thought about her statement, Abi interrupted and took things a bit further.

"Because you're an idiot, that's why you're going to lose a million dollars." And when Skupin said, "Anyways Jeff, to finish my thought," Abi interrupted him again and finished it for him by saying, "You're a moron."

Abi went on to tell Denise, "You're just not a good person. I don't like you," which pretty much ruled out anybody taking her along to the final three even though she would have been a lock to beat since everyone in America, and probably even Brazil, hates her.

After getting voted out, Abi reflected on her game. "After the merge, I was targeted as a crazy Latina. I say it as it is, like it or hate me, and I guess it bit me on my big Brazilian ass."

No kidding, Abi Maria-Gomes's ass is fucking huge.
When Denise commented who Abi was "full of fire," Malcolm interrupted and said "I'm not sure it's fire."

The final Reward Challenge involved walking a balance beam in order to untie puzzle pieces, and then solving a bitchin' dragon puzzle that would have made Coach jizz in his pants.

Malcolm ended up winning, which gave him an unspecified advantage in the final Immunity Challenge.

However, much like how he refused to give his closest ally Denise his extra Immunity Idol, his arrogance began to take over when he wouldn't commit to her offer to go to the final two together.

Even with an an advantage, Malcolm still ended up finishing in last place at the Immunity Challenge, as Skupin being able to balance a ball on two planks of wood that he had to keep pressed together with his arms the longest.

Sure enough, Malcolm having distanced himself from Denise over the previous few days cost him her allegiance, and he was voted out even though he was the strongest player and in a position of power just a day or so earlier.

That left Lisa, Denise and Skupin to plead their cases to the Jury.

Denise made no apologies to anyone, emphasizing how she had to prove herself to three different tribes, worked hard, and was strong in the challenges.

Lisa credited her brother for informing her that it was okay to screw people over and be Christian at the same time, mainly that's because what Catholic priests and televangelists do all the time.

Micheal proclaimed that he survived in spite of having the biggest target on his back of anyone in the game, which was comical since people kept letting him slide at Tribal Council each week since they didn't view him as any type of threat.

Of the Jury questions, only Penner had anything interesting to say.

First, he called Denise out by saying, "You were afraid of being seen as a bitch. You can rest assured that you have now show the world that side."

He then went on to out Lisa a former TV star, saying, "You guys deserve to know that when you vote or don't vote for her, that she's kept that from you."

Lisa tried to respond by asking Penner if he revealed his job to the other players, but he played it off by pining, "I don't think it's going to affect the outcome tonight, I'll tell you later."

And with Skupin having coasted to the finals, and Lisa having sold her soul to the Devil just to get as far as she did, Denise, the "little old sex therapist from Cedar Rapids, Iowa" was voted the winner of Survivor: Philippines.

Sadly, Lisa was voted the prize of being America's favorite player over Malcolm, proving that crazy religious people still make up more of our population than we'd like to admit.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I'm considering making a really bad strategic play just for my morale. That's how bad of a human being Abi is"

The episode began with the contestants loved one's arriving to compete in the Reward Challenge.

Those arrivals included Carter and Abi's moms, Skupin's son, Denise's husband, Malcolm's brother, but not Lisa's husband, since he divorced her even though he was their church pastor.

She was instead reunited with her MUCH younger brother, to which Jeff Probst proclaimed, "I've gotta say Lisa, I've seen some pretty powerful moments involving loved ones, but this may be the tops."

Of course, Jeff may have conveniently forgotten about the classic moment where Kat realized that her cousin was there to see her, crawled on all fours to greet him while barking like a dog, and then excitedly peed on the ground when she got to him.

Kat Edmundson then proceeded to dry hump the bejesus out of her cousin, leaving no reasonable doubt in anyone's mind that the two of them weren't fucking...And yes, it was exactly as hot as it sounds.

Abi's mom greeted her daughter by telling her that she was too thin...

Which is something that Abi should enjoy while she can after looking at her genetics.

The Reward Challenge involved knocking down bars with muddy bag. That somehow left Skupin's son "bloody from here to here," to which his injury prone dad proclaimed, "That's my boy!"

Malcolm and his bother miles ended up winning the reward, and he elected to let Lisa and Skupid both spend some additional time with their loved ones around camp, while the others were sent home.

After watching Malcolm's brother Miles and listening to him talk about him, it's pretty clear that while one went to an Ivy League school, the other one was retarded.

While Lisa confided that she didn't think that God chose sides when it came to games like Survivor, she also hypocritically prayed to him or her that she would win.

It took Lisa's brother to convince her that playing the game was not about doing right and wrong, but about winning not matter who you screw over.

The Immunity Challenge involved walking a balance beam, fishing for puzzle bags with hooks, and swimming to shore and solving a puzzle.

Perhaps cementing her record as the worst competitor ever, Jeff Probst shouted that Abi was "taking as much time as she can to get into the water."

Malcolm ended up winning, giving him Personal Immunity for the week as well as a Hidden Immunity Idol...Putting him two ahead of Abi and her made up Idol that she kept threatening to play.

While Abi thought that she was making a masterful move, the others not only didn't believe her but they couldn't stand her, especially Malcolm.

"Nobody can stand having her around, she's a bitch...We're really considering getting rid of this angry, unsociable Brazilian girl over a really fit athletic guy. I'm considering making a really bad strategic decision just for my morale. That's how terrible of a human being Abi is. If Abi goes home tonight, it's because she's a bitch."

Unlike Abi Maria-Gomes, I always thought you were supposed to lose weight as the game of Survivor progressed to the end.

Perhaps the dumbest person to play Survivor since Leif, Carter had to be informed why he could no longer vote for Malcolm even though he won Immunity, asking "Why not?"

Not surprisingly, it was Carter who was voted out at Tribal Council, who complained that the remaining contestants were "playing with their heads and not their hearts."

Of course, that statement pretty much explained exactly why his naive ass was sent packing back to Kansas, where apparently playing strategically is apparently optional.

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "Yeah. No, I'm not going to hug anyone else"

Perpetually oblivious to everyone else around her, Abi-Maria scolded her fellow competitors for having the audacity to take her to task for her bitchy attitude at Tribal Council.

"Yesterday you guys were brutal towards me. I never felt that any of you felt that way about me. It wasn't cute, you understand that?"

Do you know else what isn't cute? Bitch faced Brazilian women who look like Brazilian dudes...But enough about Gisele Bundchen, Abi-Maria Gomez kind of sucks too.

That must of struck a chord with Malcolm, who was either kissing Abi's ass for a jury vote or just posturing to sleep with her.

"Abi's very un-self aware. It's hard not to feel a little sympathy for her."

Denise was less than impressed with Abi's antics, predicting she'd be going home next "Unless she miraculously wins Immunity, which I doubt."

Of course, making blanket assumptions about how someone is a sure fire bet to go home in the game of Survivor is pretty much the equivalent to handing someone an Immunity Idol...Just sayin'.

This week's Reward Challenge was replaced with Survivor's annual food auction, which is the equivalent of giving a group of drug addicts $500 and allowing them to bid on a limited number of dime-bags, eight balls and bumps.

Sadly, steroid era baseball player Jeff Kent didn't make it around long enough to bid on any "juice."

Skupin started off by bidding all $500 on a wine and cheese plate even though he's not an alcohol drinker. That caused even Jeff Probst to ask, "So that wine's just going to go to waste? Because otherwise I'll drink it."

When Penner won a plate of fried chicken, Jeff noted, "You got a weird look in your eye!"

As an Oscar winning screen play writer, Penner was simply demonstrating "the eye of the writer." Either that or he's just a fat guy who loves fried chicken.

Carter was the big loser even though he won two bids, because both of his prizes came with a twist that ended up benefiting the tribe more than it did himself.

First he voluntarily traded a loaded baked potato for extra beans and rice back at camp. Then he learned that the veal shanks that he bid on came with the catch that they had to be shared with everyone else.

Of course, the concept of a luxury food item like a veal shank may have been lost on Carter anyways, as he said, "The meat just melted in my mouth, whatever that thing was."

Abi-Maria wisely saved her money and used her entire $500 on an advantage in the game, which turned out to be a free pass to the third and final phase of the upcoming Immunity Challenge that she desperately needed to win.

Not only did Abi-Maria Gomez gain an advantage, but she also preserved her track record of not really having to compete in any of Survivor's competitions.

Even Malcolm, who earlier had expressed some sympathy for Abi seemed frustrated over the possibility that she might be able to save herself and remain in the game.

"Abi is like having a girlfriend who hasn't gotten the message and won't leave after you've broken up with her. She's bitter, she hasn't forgiven you, and your not getting the benefit of having a girlfriend around anymore."

And while we now know that Malcolm and Abi-Maria were not having sex like he and Angie did, at least he strategically mind fucked her for her jury vote considering that he was the only one to console her about the way she was treated at Tribal Council...Well done Malcolm.

The Immunity Challenge was yet another series of obstacle courses, with weight packs added to the competitors when they incorrectly answered questions about the game.

It was noted how having boobs and weight were a disadvantage, but that didn't stop Penner, who advanced to the finals along with Carter where they met Abi, who was fresh from not having to compete in the first two legs.

And just as it was scripted, Abi won Immunity. That caused Denise to sigh, "You gotta be freakin' kidding me."

Lisa, for some reason having the need to explain every move in the game that she's going to make, told Penner that he was the target of her alliance with Malcolm and Denise.

That allowed Penner to work Mike as the swing vote, assuming he could get Abi and Carter to join forces with him.

At Tribal Council, Jeff Probst asked Lisa if the game compared to any of her experiences in real life.

Lisa responded by saying "Yes," but stated that they were too difficult for her to talk about, obviously referencing how her husband of 24 years broke his alliance with her by filing for divorce even though he was her church Pastor.

Abi showed her displeasure towards Denise by sticking her tongue out at her, but ultimately Skupin utilized his swing vote to go along with Malcolm, Denise and Lisa, sending Penner home by a vote of 4-3.

Much like the Amish on reality TV shows, Brazilians never socially mature past the age of 13.

Obviously having formed a bond with Lisa, Penner gave her a hug as he left the game as a showing that he held no hard feelings.

However, when Abi asked if she could have a hug too, Penner blew her off.

"Yeah. No, I'm not going to hug anyone else," before saying, "Guys, keep your sunny sides up, and then suck eggs!"