Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "Oooh, I'm glad I didn't pick her."


This week began with Chris Harrison promising that the finale of Juan Pablo's season would be pretty much just like the

"Tonight we are watching what promises to be the most controversial finale in Bachelor history. You know, I never use that word."

Chis also built up a "surprise" that Juan Pablo promised during The Girls Tell All episode, which obviously could have been just about anything besides an appearance on Dancing with the Stars considering that all the male dancers are gay, and Juan Pablo is an admitted  homophobe.

The final two women, Clare and Nikki, remained in Saint Lucia where they met with Juan Pablo's family.

First up was Clare, who did her best to show Juan Pablo's family how little personality she had. After all, she billed herself up as being half Hispanic, yet never spoke a work of Mexican on camera.

Her lack of personality aside, Juan Pablo busted out the Batch-Copter for the first time all season in order to charm Clare into bed for something like the third time while she was on the show.

But as the copter landed, Clare mentioned how Juan Pablo had whispered something to her without any of the cameras or microphones on them.

"What I though twas going to be sweet kind loving words was not what came out of his mouth."

"That he doesn't really know me, and some sexual thing I don't want to repeat."

While ABC bleeped out what it was, by reading Clare's lips it's safe to say that the sexual thing that Juan Pablo said rhymed with, "You were a great fuck."

And if there's one thing that a girl who defines herself by using her sexuality to get what she wants doesn't want to hear, it's how good she is at it.

Clare was in deep thought about the incident when Juan Pablo later returned back to Clare's room, and she caught him off guard when she wouldn't give him any "besitos," or the kisses from her that he was expecting.

That's when Clare told Juan Pablo that she was offended by what he had whispered when they were on the Batch-Copter, as she tried to remind herself that she'd never let herself be some guy's fuck toy ever again.

However, knowing that Clare was completely insecure, Juan Pablo was able to charm her back into his arms when he told her, "I know if I end up with you, we're going to have a baby in like a year and two months."

Sure enough, Clare went from breaking up with Juan Pablo to gushing, "I know that he wants me here!"

Back before a live studio audience, Sharleen chastised Clare for ignoring her women's intuition and staying with Juan Pablo even as he continued to patronize her, noting how she was able to stay with her even though she patronized him.

Next up to meet Juan Pablo's family was Nikki, who made the questionable decision to wear a backless dress that exposed her tattoo of a pooping bird, which she explained by lying and saying that she was part Native American.

Nikki Ferrell: I just have an overwhelming urge to get a pen and color that pooping bird tattoo in.

Juan Pablo's family didn't exactly give Nikki a ringing endorsement...Of  him. 

Specifically, Juan Pablo's mom told her, "I am 'pretty sure that he's ready for this," before saying "he's not easy."

Meanwhile, his cousin Roldolfo warned Nikki how he has a tendency to walk away from relationships when things get tough, obviously referring to Camilla's mom and how much the rest of the family loved her.

Of course, we still weren't sure that Juan Pablo was feeling Nikki. 

And when Juan Pablo said, "I have to figure out how I feel about her, but there's something that tells me, 'she could be the one,'" those weren't exactly words that endorsed her as a front runner coming from a guy who was something like one day away from potentially proposing to her.

Nikki Ferrell

While Juan Pablo managed not to insult Nikki like he did Clare, he said he still had concerns about how she felt about him.

But when Nikki wrote Juan Pablo a letter telling him how much she loved him, he just kissed her on the head and started to leave the room, which caused her to break down in tears as she was forced to wait one more day for his final decision.

Nikki and Clare traveled by boat in their finest hoochie dresses to await a potential proposal from Juan Pablo, which as my fiance noted, there's nothing like a humid, windy boat ride to make you look your best (or worst) as you may or may not get proposed to on national TV.

When Clare got off the boat saying, "I'm nervous," Juan Pablo told her, "It's okay," to the groans of everyone in the audience...Or at least Andi.

Clare delivered a long speech to Juan Pablo before she realized that was supposed to be quiet and let him propose.

However, Juan Pablo pooped in her Easter basket when he ultimately told her, "I have to say good bye to you."

Of course, that didn't go over so well with Clare, who pushed him away saying, "I lost all respect for you," noting how he had just reassured her and told her how he could see himself in Sacramento and the two of them having babies just one night (at least in TV time) earlier.

However, Clare wasn't done telling Juan Pablo off adding, "I'll tell you what...What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you," to which Juan Pablo replied, "It's okay."

And as Clare stormed off, Juan Pablo completely won the audience over by saying, "Ooh, I'm glad I didn't pick her." 

When Chris Harrison took a page out of Juan Pablo's book by asking her, "Is it okay?" Clare snapped, "No," and then mumbled something like, "Don't tell me that you love fucking me."

After Juan Pablo's smooth break up with Clare came Nicki, who was expecting to get an engagement ring.

Nikki Ferrell arrived wearing a dress with a slit all the way up to her slot.

But instead of giving her an engagement ring, Juan Pablo kicked her right in her nuts.

"Honestly, I have a ring here in my pocket, and I'm not gonna to use it. I'm not 100% sure that I want to propose to you, but at the same time, I'm a 100% sure that I just don't want to let you go."

Even worse, after telling Nikki that he didn't feel strongly enough to propose to her, Juan Pablo insulted even further with a consolation prize that was essentially the equivalent of asking her to the 6th Grade Dance.

So when Juan Pablo finally told her, "I like you a lot, a lot," before asking, "So, Nikki, will you accept my final rose," my only surprise was that he asked her in person instead of having his cousin Roldolfo pass her a note.

Clearly not happy to settle for a "I like you a lot," but apparently wanting to rub her rival Clare's face in not winning, Nikki surprisingly told Juan Pablo, "Absolutely."

During the After the Final Rose episode, Chris Harrison asked Clare the rhetorical question, "Why didn't you leave," ignoring the obvious answer of how she's completely desperate for male attention, having grown up in a house full of women even more beautiful than she is.

Clare elected not to speak to Juan Pablo saying, "It was so liberating to be able to stand there, and say it's not okay," apparently forgetting the part where she was ready to accept his proposal had he been stupid enough to offer her one.

When it was Juan Pablo's turn to get interviewed, he came out  to music, which I suspect was done to drown out the audience's boos.

Kelly Travis was in the audience to announce that she was going to be...suing the plastic surgeon who cut off the end of her nose.

In our first indication that things behind the scenes had gone horribly wrong this season, and I mean horribly wrong in a Flight mh320/Emily Maynard kind of way, Juan Pablo interrupted Chris Harrison and snapped, "Can I speak?"

Juan Pablo apparently revealed the "surprise" that Chris Harrison had promised at the start the show when he declared that he and Nikki were actually still a couple.

Nikki came on and surprised the audience by saying that while she's still in love with Juan Pablo, he was yet to tell her that he loved her in the four months since the show last filmed.

Ignoring that obvious red flag, Nikki tried to justify their relationship by saying that while Juan Pablo may not say it, he "demonstrates it in his actions."

With Juan Pablo and Chris having some sort of standoff on national TV "Chris went on the offensive and decided to grill Juan Pablo, antagonistically asking him, "So you love her?

That caused Juan Pablo to get even more defensive by saying, "I'm not going to answer that question to you," before he looked at Nikki and announcing, "We're done with this show. We are so done."

With Juan Pablo receiving more boos after cutting Chris Harrison off once again by saying, "I said before, when you interrupt me last time," he put his arm around Nikki and kissed as if to say, "fuck you."

By then a clearly perturbed Chris turned his attention away from Juan Pablo and Nikki and whatever there relationship status might be by declaring, "I don't know what I'm looking at!"

He then came out of the commercial break by sarcastically saying, "We are live tonight with Nikki and Juan Pablo. As we can clearly see they're engaged and clearly in love, congratu..."

That's when Juan Pablo gave the first hint of some type of behind the scenes rift by saying, "We had plans that had to change drastically two weeks ago when we taped the women tell all," only saying that the change was due to some private information that he received from Production.

As it turned out, the reason that Juan Pablo was so pissy was because he had what he thought was a spot on Dancing With the Stars yanked by ABC because of his derogatory comments towards gays and Emily Maynard's retarded daughter, lil' Rickie.

Things got so bad that even Juan Pablo's "friends" from the beginning of the year, Sean Lowe and Catherine Guidicci, turned on him by the end of the episode.

As when Juan Pablo referred to Sean saying how he just wants to keep things private now that the shows over, Sean said, "I don't want to burst your bubble, but it's not private after the show. It'll still be public."

Catherine was even more cognizant of where her paychecks were coming from, warning Juan Pablo, "Don't slap the hand that fed you."

Chris finally left things by telling Juan Pablo and Nikki, "I'm going to say congratulations, I hope," before adding, "Another season of the Bachelor has come to an end...Not going to lie, I'm moving on."

And sadly, that was before he even introduced Andi as the new Bachelorette...Because apparently ABC gets better ratings when America hates the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Sharing a mutual hate for Juan Pablo, Chris joked to Andi. "I just want to clear things up, you do know that this is going to be on television, don't you?"

Andi tried to act shocked that she was picked saying, "I never thought in a million years that this would happen to me,"

Of course, that didn't mean that she wasn't hoping, lobbying, and throwing Juan Pablo under the bus bus while trying to get that nod.

And while I don't agree with Andi being picked as the next Bachelorette, if that gets her redneck father Hy more camera time, I guess I'm all for it. 

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