Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "I'm not going to let you manipulate momma!"



This week marked the start of the Hometown Dates, which should be more appropriately known as the "Mom Test Dates," where the Bachelor gets to see how all of his prospective brides will look in another seventeen years.

Nikki was first up, and she took Juan Pablo back home to Kansas City to eat barbecue, ride mechanical bulls and tip over cows.

As a plus, Juan Pablo seemed to totally dig the whole Midwest BBQ scene...Possibly even more so than he was digging Nikki.

When Nikki told her dad, "I feel like I've been given a great example of parents," he told her that he supported her in whatever she decides to do in life.

Nikki Farrell: And apparently that support includes posing topless.
Not only did Juan Pablo star in another M and M commercial, but he and Chris Harrison appeared in a shameless plug for the new film The Need for Speed, billing it as a date night movie...You know, because there's nothing more romantic than watching Paul Walker burn to death.

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Next up was Andi. And while she works in Atlanta as a prosecutor, we were unsure of where she was from originally.

However, Andi answered that question and confirmed that she really was from Georgia when she took Juan Pablo to her hometown shooting range. 

When Andi arrived home she was greeted by a chorus of, "Welcome home Pookie!"

However, things quickly turned sour when she noted, "I saw the look of disapproval on my dad's face within the first five minutes, and I did not expect to see that."

That obviously confused Andi, because while her father Hy always warned her to never bring a black guy home, he never mentioned anything about not dating Hispanic guys who look white.

Of course, the source of Hy's disapproval may have been the result of Andi's mom, who not only looked much more ethnic than her redneck dad, but hit on Juan Pablo all evening as she practically begged him to salsa dance with her.

While things did not seem to be going smoothly, Andi confessed to the cameras that she was finally beginning to feel something special for Juan Pablo for the first time all season.

And I'm sure that those feelings had absolutely nothing to do with her father's disapproval, because girls never go out of their way to piss off their overly controlling dads.

The next date went to Renee in Sarasota, Florida, where she wanted Juan Pablo to meet her son before he disappeared from their lives forever.

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Renee also failed to tell Juan Pablo she loved him during her Hometown Date, but unlike Nikki, she actually seemed to regret not doing so.

Last and possibly least was Clare, who took Juan Pablo back to Sacramento to meet her elderly mom and obese sister.

Juan Pablo exclaimed, "I cannot wait to see why you are the way you are," which was not necessarily a positive statement, just more of a statement out of curiosity. 

Clare made no attempt to hide the fact that her father was dead saying, "My dad would have been the one you talk to, the one you shake hands with and look in the eye."

Unfortunately for Clare, now that man is her sister, Laura.

That's right, this is Laura, Clare's sister, not her mother.

Clare then took Juan Pablo to her family's home, where she and her five sisters attempted to set the world record for saying the word "momma" in the least amount of time.

Clare also admitted that she'd be fine with a shotgun reality wedding, citing her own family's history.

And when Clare busted out flawless logic and stated, "Daddy knew mom for what, three weeks before they got engaged, and they were married for how long? (decades)," her sisters all nodded in approval.

All of Clare's sisters seemed to be on board with Juan Pablo, that is, except for Laura, the fat and jealous one who refused to give Clare her blessing.

Laura even took it upon herself to speak for Clare's mute mother by saying, "To give a blessing, I don't believe that we're there yet." 

That caused Clare to interrupt, "Hold on, momma doesn't, or you don't."

Laura then took a very protective stance, standing between Clare and her mother like an offensive lineman trying to protect his quarterback while yelling, "I'm not going to let you manipulate momma!"

When a clearly rattled Clare asked why her sister was being so difficult, Laura snapped, "Because you're not respecting momma!"

Laura then walked off to the corner of the back yard and creepily lurked, either trying to chaperon Clare's conversation with her mother, or more likely, secretly hoping that one of the cameramen would knock a deli plate off of the table so she could run over and gobble it up.

The Bachelor: Clare's sister Laura then went on to eat the family dog...And momma.

Fortunately, Juan Pablo came into their trailer and defused the situation, first talking to the fat sister, and then speaking in Spanish to "Momma."

Clare ended her Hometown Date by saying, "If he can look past my crazy family, I'd love to marry him. I'd love it, I would absolutely love it."

After the Hometown Dates were over, Juan Pablo handed out Roses to Nikki, Clare and Andi.

Sadly, Renee went home even though she was probably the only girl left who was even remotely marriage material.

For some reason, I think Renee will get the nod as the next Bachelorette even though she's a not so glamorous single mom, and despite the fact that Andi's clearly been posturing and auditioning for that role over the past several weeks.

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