Thursday, April 23, 2015

Blogging SURVIVOR: Worlds Apart - "It's like a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket!"

This week began with the classic Survivor food auction episode.

Will began by bidding $100 on a mystery item turned out to be a ticket out of the auction and back to camp.

And with the black guy gone, Jeff cruelly announced that the next item up for bid would be fried chicken and waffles, while the white women began grinding on Dan as Will walked off in tears.

Mike held onto all of his cash in order to bid on an advantage in the game, but not before Jeff offered up a notes from everyone's loved ones.

The contestants agreed to set the winning bid at $20, which would allow everyone to buy their note from back home for the same price and leave them all on equal footing to bid for the advantage in the game.

However, while Mike told everyone that he was buying his loved one note, he backed away once everyone else had bought theirs in order to save his entire wad for the much coveted "advantage."

That caused Carolyn to bring her unread note back to Jeff to get her money back, which in turn caused Mike to reconsider being a douche and buy his note like everyone else who actually loved their family had promised to do.

With Carolyn, Mike and Dan all having their full stash of money, Dan won the tie-breaker for the advantage by drawing rocks.

Fortunately for Will, when he arrived back at camp he received a map to a private stash of food and drinks to help him through the rest of the game. Unfortunately for Will, there were no white women.

For some reason known only to Will and Oprah, he decided to share his rations with the rest of the tribe.

Worse yet, Mike and Shirin assumed that the stash that Will was gracious enough to share was meant for the entire tribe, and that what he did in fact share (which was everything he received), was not everything he received.

That accusation caused Will to flip the fuck out, telling Shirin "Nobody likes you. I guarantee that (there's) nobody (at) home (or) in the United States that misses you."

Of course, being the hero that she thinks she is, Jenn indicated that she might stick around to mess up Will's game, even though he was in the right and that she had already quit playing the game.

Meanwhile, Mike decided to attack Boston Guy by saying, "Three famous words, flippers never win." That caused Boston Guy to flip out by repeatedly telling Mike, "You better relax!" as Mike was the one who held kept his cool and Boston Guy kept yelling.

Dan opened up his advantage and learned that he he had bought himself an "extra vote" at Tribal Council. Or as he said, "It's like a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket!"

At the Immunity Challenge, Will asked Jeff Probst if he could sit out to receive his letter from back home like everyone else did, saying that his family was more important to him than winning Immunity.

And when Jeff said that he'd grant his wish, but only if everyone else agreed, Shirin was the only one who cast a dissenting vote.

And because Shirin Oskooi is a giant devil bitch, Will was denied his letter from back home. 

The Immunity Challenge involved racing over a balance beam course to place six different balls in balls in a a menorah like fixture using only a set of tonges.

Mike ended up winning Individual Immunity.

However, Mike's alliance still did not have numbers on their side, and while Will was given the option of voting the Shirin out, he actually wanted to keep her around just to make her life miserable.

Noting that Dan was the swing vote, Jenn noted, "My entire game is in dumbass's hands," forgetting that she's not exactly a rocket surgeon herself.

Dan took being the swing vote the only way he possibly could, and let the power go to his head, causing him to yell at everyone who was lobbying for his vote that it was going to be, "My decision!"

At Tribal Council, Will denied attacking Sharin.

Sharin rebutted that comment by saying, "He started talking about how I have no family, how I'm a loser, how more people in this game like him than like me in my entire life."

While that made it seem like Will had in fact attacked Shirin, he responded perfectly by telling Jeff, "That's true though."

And when Shirin continued to plead her case against Will by saying, "That I have no soul, that he needs to pray for me," he once again defended his comments by saying, "That's true though!"

Shirin then went on to call everybody out for not standing up for her since her biological dad verbally abused her and a bunch of other stuff that I stopped listening to.

After Shirin finally got done airing her grievances, Boston Guy called Mike out for trying to manipulate the auction and lying about buying his letter from home before Carolyn called his his not so tricky trickanery out.

In the end, Jenn was voted out, sending her back home to her much beloved family, yachts, and cheeseburgers.

I actually think that Jenn Brown would look better with a cheeseburger tattooed on her belly. 

Friday, April 17, 2015

The Survivor Blog - "I still hate you."

This week's Survivor began with Jenn suddenly wanting quit the game because her BFF Hali got voted out, which made no sense at all considering that she had to know that she'll look so much prettier going forward without Hali standing next to her all the time.

Hali Ford might not be considered pretty outside of laws school, but she knows how to pick the right accessories that make her look better, like Jenn  Brown.  

The Reward Challenge saw the contestants divide into two teams and navigate an aquatic obstacle course in order to be the fastest to retrieve five rings floating in the water with a grappling hook.

With the winning team earning a trip to what Jeff Probst dubbed the "Chocolate Cafe," Dan, Sharin, Tyler, Mike and Sierra ended up winning unlimited candy bars, as well as unlimited trips to the rest room.

In a case of "I know what you've been doing, but you've been doing it wrong," Sierra came down with herpes on her neck, while Joe had an outbreak on his pecs.

While the others were away at their reward, Boston Guy successfully lobbied to kill a chicken, which all but eliminated Jenn's final ally in camp.

At the Immunity Challenge the contestants had to stand on their toes and use the top of their heads to keep a block pinned against a beam that was above them without slouching and letting it fall.

Joe finally lost his first Immunity Challenge, which allowed Tyler to claim Individual Immunity.

Back at camp, Joe claimed that he was going to play an Idol that he didn't have, so the jewelry maker went to work and constructed a fake Idol out of a stash of drift wood, sea shells and the remnants of Dan's underpants, all of which he had found washed up on the beach.

Joe Anglim may go down as the best all around player in the history of  Survivor who never made it longer than people like Shirin or Jenn Brown. 

Better yet, Joe promised to give Mike the fake Idol, but only if Mike promised to vote for Jenn instead of himself.

At Tribal Council, Jenn continued her half ass approach to staying in the game, even though she clearly wanted to go home, by trying to explain why she competed hard enough to finish second in the Immunity Challenge.

Jenn began by saying, "I don't like this, but I really do want this," before going on to state, "It would be really cool to win that necklace."

Of course, she said she would have just given the Idol to Joe had she won it just to mix things up given that everyone was planning on voting for him, so it was all clearly just a game to her.

However, when Jeff offered Jenn the chance to do the right thing and let Joe stay in the game by simply walking away, Jenn refused and selfishly stated, "That's quitting, and I don't do quitting."

Joe made it known that he wanted to stay in the game that he loved and lobbied against Jenn by saying, "She's already quit mentally, emotionally and physically."

Joe also noted how people might be willing to take Jenn all the way to the end because she didn't give a shit anymore, which come to think of it, just might have been her plan all along.

Mike then asked Jeff Probst to verify the fake Immunity Idol that Joe had given him, which Jeff refused to do until he officially played it.

In what turned out to be a confusing vote to the non-power players, Tyler cast his vote for Jenn but said, "I have no idea what is going on."

Likewise, Boston Guy voted for Joe while saying, "I have no idea what is going to happen tonight."

And when Mike got up and played Joe's fake Immunity Idol by announcing, "I'm going to play it for Will," Jeff informed him, "This is NOT a Hidden Immunity Idol. Any votes cast for Will will still count."

Fortunately for Will, nobody voted for him, and it all came down to Joe and Jenn.

And Just as the final vote was about to be read with Jenn and Joe tied 4 to 4, Jenn gushed, "This is exciting," almost as if she was sailing around the world on a whim in a yacht that her parents had given her.

Upon hearing Jeff say that it was Joe who was voted out, Shirin, in her first likable moment all season, looked at Jenn and said while sneering, "I still hate you."

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Blogging Survivor: Worlds Apart - "Maybe she's an idiot savant, but I'm leaning more towards the idiot side."

This week's Survivor began Boston Guy upset with Mike for switching his vote at Tribal Council from Hali to Jenn, which allowed Jenn to play her Idol and eliminate Kelly instead of Hali as they had planned.

Meanwhile, Jenn Brown let her little bit of success go straight to her ass...Just like everything she eats. 

Boston Guy was also upset that the new tribe was rationing their food, which is kind of hard for someone who is only smart as dog to understand.

But instead of biting, Boston Guy impressed everyone when he said, "Every time I get mad I'm just going to walk away, maybe punch a tree or something, and then come back in there with a fresh 'cool, calm and collected mindset," which was apparently something that he actually took away from his anger management classes.

Rodney Lajoie, Jr. - Sadly, I get the feeling that there are trees all over Boston missing bark, with an equal number of douchey dudes walking around with their hands wrapped up in ice dancing like they were Gronk. 

The Reward Challenge required the contestants to navigate a series of balance beams to retrieve bags of puzzle pieces, with the top three finishers getting to compete to complete their puzzle for a zip line tour and pizza party.

Joe ended up being the fastest on the beams and his puzzle to win reward, and he chose Tyler, Will and Carolyn to join him.

And when Jeff Probst announced that he could take a 5th person, Boston Guy lobbied to go.

However, Joe dismissed by telling him that he already ate more than anybody around camp, and he chose Shirin to go instead.

At the pizza party, Carolyn ended up with a bottle of soda that had an Immunity Idol clue in it, but was so oblivious that she offered the rest of her drink to Joe.

Tyler saw Joe nearly choke on the clue as he tried to swallow it, so Joe felt compelled to share it with him back at camp.

Of course, Mike saw Tyler read the clue with Joe, so Tyler felt compelled to tell him what the clue said...Which started a mad dash to search for the Idol.

Mike, who was the least deserving person, ended up finding the Idol, which he wanted to use to help get rid of Joe.

Dan confronted Shirin, or whatever her name is, for what he described as her being content as, "Yet another fan who can't do simple math," in reference to her willingness to be on the ass end of the numbers game so long as she wasn't next up to be evicted.

And when Shirin responded by saying that she had a plan in place Dan said, "Maybe she's an idiot savant, but I'm leaning more towards the idiot side."

As somebody who's just along for the ride, Dan Foley probably shouldn't be one to judge. 

At the Immunity Challenge, the contestants only had to navigate a slide puzzle through a table maze and then solve that puzzle.

After twice proclaiming victory, Dan was, well, wrong both times. That allowed Joe to come from behind and win, which pretty much shit in Mike's Easter Basket.

That was Joe's third Individual Immunity Challenge win, which has to put him in the conversation for being one of the most dominant Survivor players ever, at least when it comes to just the challenges.

At camp, the girls all bonded together, not to because they were trying to make a big move to win the game, but because the annoying but harmless Dan had hurt their feelings and they wanted to vote him out.

And while Jenn and the girls seemed confident in their plan, it was Hali who was voted out over Dan when Sierra elected not to flip. In the process, Dan nearly wet himself, while Boston Guy to laughed out loud.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Blogging Survivor: Worlds Apart - "Jeff, I really don't want to go home tonight"

This week's Survivor began with Boston Guy having a full blown Boston Tear Party over his pal Joaquin getting blindsided last week, thanks in part due to Mike.

Rodney Flajoie, Jr. is the type of guy who thinks that Rob Gronkowski dances cool. 

What was thought to be a Reward Challenge turned out to be the final merge, with the final tribe, "Merica," getting the chance to bond over a feast and a case of the shits.

However, in a mini twist, while the tribes were gone, their camp was completely removed by the producers so they had to completely rebuild.

Mike and Boston Guy decided to reconcile after the merge, and they compared their decision to get back together to having "make-up sex."

The Immunity Challenge required the players to wrap their arms and legs around a pole and hold on the longest in a test of endurance,

During the challenge Jenn got stung by a bee on her lady parts, which was obviously attracted to the nasty nectar stain on the vaginal region of her swimsuit.

Jenn Brown may want to burn her swimsuit bottoms once Survivor is over. 

In the end, Joe won the first Individual Immunity necklace of the season, which may have saved his ass and put the focus on the former Blue Collars heading into Tribal Council.

Former White Collars Tyler and Carolyn turned out to be the swing votes, with the option of voting out No Collar Jenn, or Blue Collar Kelly.

At Tribal Council, Will summarized the uncertainly to Jeff Probst by telling him, "You may get voted out tonight...I hope you have an Idol."

As it turned out, Jenn decided to play her Idol and said, "Jeff, I really don't wan't to go home tonight," which turned out to be a brilliant play, as she would have been voted out.

That sent Kelly home instead, allowing Jenn and her vag stain to play on.