Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Thursday, January 12, 2017

The Bachelor Blog - "My heart is in my ass now!"



The new season of The Bachelor is upon us, which means that we have thirty new girls looking for a "forever home."

Unfortunately, the stakes are high, as only one girl will ultimately get adopted. A few may live on for a few more seasons to reproduce on Bachelor in Paradise, but the rest will immediately get put down by The Bachelor's resident veterinarian, Jorge, who sometimes moonlights as a bartender.

This year's bachelor is Nick Viall. As we all know, Nick began his journey as an aspiring fame whore under the guise of being a salesperson from Chicago during Andi Dorfman's season of The Bachelorette.


While I'll not hide my opinion that this season's star Nick Viall is a complete douche, at least he's more personable than recent stars, FarmersOnly.com spokesman Chris Soules, and that guy named "Ben." 

Nick obtained official villain status when he blabbed to America that he had sex with Andi in the "Fantasy Suite" before she ultimately announced that she was choosing Josh Murray instead of him.

That turned out to be the show's bitter bitch moment that has not even been rivaled by any of it's emotionally unstable and drunk female contestants.

Since then, Nick ditched his career in favor of becoming a full time employee at the Bachelor mansion.

That has allowed him to fill in as a contestant on Kaitlyn Bristowe's season, make an appearance on Bachelor in Paradise (where he was able to flip public perception of him being a douche bag into just being a narcissistic little bitch), and even agree to clean up the women's toilets during Ben's season (things sure can get messy after taco Tuesdays and an open craft services margarita bar!).

My guess is that when all is said and done Nick will ultimately end up passing on whatever girl he chooses in order to parlay his time on The Bachelor into a new career as the next Spencer Pratt, but for now, that's just my educated guess.

As usual, this season began with more girls with daddy issues, fake boobs and miniature dogs than Hugh Heffner saw during his entire career as the host of The Playboy Mansion.

Once the girls started arriving at the mansion we were quickly reminded of how The Bachelor brings out all of the types of women that under normal circumstances would prove to be red flags when it comes to dating...Aspiring models, professional cheerleaders, east European immigrants, and special education teachers.

So with that said, let's take an in depth look at some of the more memorable bitches, I mean ladies of the litter that Nick has to choose from!

First Impressions

Danielle Lombard - Danielle is a bikini and lingerie model from California who managed to open her own nail salon by the age of 23, which was quite impressive considering the fact that she is not even Asian!

It's hard to argue against Nick Viall keeping Danielle L. as a contestant. Let's just hope that this aspiring underwear model can keep her panties on!

Rachel Lindsay - Rachel is an attorney from Dallas. More than just the typical Bachelor token black girl, Rachel L.received Nick's much coveted "First Impression Rose."

Could Rachel Lindsay be the first black Bachelor series contestant to actually win? She sure seems to have the intelligence to go along with her good looks, which could ultimately become a problem for Nick Viall. 

Taylor Nolan - Taylor went to John's Hopkins University and runs a mental health center in Seattle...She also appears to be, surprise, an aspiring model!

Taylor Nolan greeted Nick Viall be telling him that her friends think he's a complete piece of shit. While Taylor seems like a super smart girl, she should probably listen to her friends a little more closely!

Kristen Schulman
- Originally from Russia, this East European immigrant parlayed being the runner up in Donald Trump's mail order bride website into making an appearance on The Bachelor!

Much like Donald Trump, if Nick Vaill were to tire of  Kristina Schulman as his wife, he could simply contact Russia and order a younger version. 

Liz Sandoz - Liz got on the show simply because she was friends with former contestant and former Playboy Playmate, Jade Roper, which likely means that she's an ex-stripper.

While he may not have hit the sex swing, Nick Viall already took Liz Sandoz to the "Fantasy Suite" at Jade Roper's wedding. We'll see how that endears her to the other girls in the house once they find out! 

Hailey Merkt - Hailey arrived by asking Nick, "Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says? Neither do I."

While Hailey Merkt may dub herself as a hipster, even hipster chicks aren't immune to the "aspiring model" bug. 

Astrid Locht - Astrid is an office manager for a plastic surgeon in Tampa, which means that she is likely banging him to pay off her fake boobs.

Astrid Locht is also a single mom and a former Hooters waitress looking for love...Wait, wasn't that from an Adam Sandler movie?

Corinne Olympios - Corinne is an aspiring model from Ft. Lauderdale, which in south Florida means that she simply got Glamour Shots and blows dudes for free drinks.

Corinne Olympios seems very comfortable topless! Is Nick Viall cool with that as wife material? 

Vanessa Grimaldi - Apparently Kaitlyn Bristow made it okay for Canadian girls to apply to be on The Bachelor, although Vanessa Grimaldi is the least desirable of all the different kinds of Canadiens...The dreaded French Canadian.

Nick Viall seemed to like the French Canadian, Italian Vanessa Grimaldi...Who's kind of hot in a Justin Trudeau kind of way. 

Raven Gates - Having avoided the dreaded Arkansas "third arm" gene, Raven broke up with her cousin and when she heard she had an opportunity to come on The Bachelor!

I'm not usually into southern girls, but Raven Gates is pretty fucking hot. If I was her ex-cousin and I had to watch her go throw herself at a douche like Nick Viall, I'd probably kill myself. 

Whitney Fransway - While Whitney may be hot, she's yet another aspiring model/yoga instructor from L.A., which means she's likely unemployed because she's just a little too dumb to be a soft core porn actress.

I think it was pretty clear from the opening episode that Nick Viall liked Whitney Fransway.  

Lacey Marik - While Lacey is a cosmetics manager, she was a poly-sci major who speaks Arabic. That means that she is willing to settle for less than what she is worth, making her the perfect match for Nick Viall.

Lacey Marik arrived at the Bachelor Mansion on a camel saying, "I hear you like a good hump...So do I!" I'm just trying to figure out where the pineapple comes in. 

Alexis Waters - Alexis is an aspiring dolphin trainer from New Jersey, which I'm pretty sure is a state that has very few dolphins.

Despite arriving in a shark costume and staying in character the entire first night (which included jumping in the pool and making stupid dolphin cackles), Alexis Waters might be the hottest girl on The Bachelor this season! The question that remains is whether or not she's serious about the whole process of being on the show.