Monday, January 30, 2012

The Bachelor Blog: "Blakeley is like a champion...Who knew that strippers could play baseball"

This week the girls arrived in Puerto Rico, where Nicki received the first 1-on-1 date. As Ben and Nicki visited a local village, a torrential rain came down and ruined their plans. However, they made the most of the moisture by shopping for dry local clothing, and Ben left dressed in white linen and Nicki in a table cloth.

First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the crazy women...

Nicki didn't have the chemistry that the other girls had with Ben, but she didn't seem like she was as bat shit crazy least until the two of them stumbled across a local wedding at what appeared to be a historic church.

While Nicki held it together long enough to get a rose, you can just tell that the combination of a 1-on-1 date rose and seeing a romantic wedding with Ben is going to be the point where we all look back and say, "that's where Nicki went all in on Ben and lost her God damn mind."

The Group Date consisted of dividing the girls into two teams for a baseball game, with the winning team getting to stay with Ben for a beach party that evening. Blakeley's team seemed like the early favorite to win, as she revealed that she had played growing up and in "college." This caused Courtney to take notice by saying, "Blakeley is like a champion out there. Who knew that strippers could play baseball."

I guess it never occurred to me that Blakeley, the V.I.P. cocktail waitress, actually went to college. In fact, her bio lists that she was an "esthetician." Clearly, I wouldn't have made fun of her intelligence had I known that she used to be a doctor.

In the end, Blakeley's team lost to Courtney's, which caused her to snap at her teammates. "I wanted this so bad. I busted my ass out there because I thought you guys would do the same." When Blakeley and some of the other girls couldn't control their tears, Courtney more than gladly reminded the camera that, "There's no crying in baseball."

Apparently Blakeley likes cars too, because she busted her ass so hard for this '77 Chevy Nova that her pants fell off.

As she has done on a few prior occasions, Courtney displayed some insecurity towards Kacie B's relationship with Ben. In fact, you can tell which girls in the house that Courtney is afraid of just by how catty she acts towards them.

Needless to say, when Ben gave Kacie B. the Group Date rose just moments after Courtney actually admitted that she was worried about her, you knew that Courtney was going to step-up her game big time. She did so by taking Ben down to the beach while letting her boob hang out and suggesting that they go skinny-dipping, even though Ben was too nervous to take her up on the offer.

Elyse was the recipient of the second 1-on-1 date, and she departed with Ben on a yacht. However, their date took a turn for the worse when she proclaimed that she had pretty much accomplished everything in life that she had hoped, noting that she had already completed college, obtained a Masters Degree, and found a job that she loved...By the way, did I mention that Elyse is a personal trainer?

Elyse also explained how she was in a prior serious relationship that had unexpectedly ended, and saying how much she really wanted to be engaged again. Apparently noticing that Elyse never once mentioned that she was interested in being in a serious relationship with him, as opposed to just being in a serious relationship with anyone, Ben's man alarm went off and he sent her home in a dinghy without a rose.

As Ben returned home from his date with Elyse, Courtney was waiting for him in nothing but her bathrobe and a bottle of wine, hoping he'd take her up on her earlier offer to go skinny-dipping. "I don't know if Ben's ever skinny dipped with a model before," she rhetorically asked.

Note to Ben, when you have to say things like, "I'm thinking to myself that this probably isn't a good idea," it probably isn't a good idea. Not unless you really like the idea of watching yourself swim naked with a skanky catalogue model while you're with the girl that you ultimately wind up choosing.

Courtney was clearly feeling the mood when she removed her clothes said, "I feel so lucky that we are on the beach alone...nobody else around." Of course by "nobody," she obviously meant the numerous camera men and producers who all saw her naked at the same time Ben did for the first time...Ahh, the romance.

Before skinny-dipping with Courtney, Ben decided to proclaim all of Puerto Rico his by peeing on the beach.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Blakeley pulled Ben aside and informed him that she never thought that somebody like him would be interested in a girl like her, mainly because she never felt like she deserved it. Apparently, that's the kind of self worth you get when your primary talent involves writing your name on napkins slow enough that a table of Japanese guys wearing cowboy boots can get a good look down your shirt before they order a "Flappertizer."

Emily tried to atone for her mistake of spending her time with Ben last week complaining about Courtney, by complaining about Courtney...again. This caused Ben to warn her, "I encourage you to drop it and tread lightly."

Emily surprisingly managed to get the final rose over Jennifer, who Ben had previously declared the "best kisser in the house." When Ben informed her of his decision Jennifer was able to keep herself together and calmly say, "I completely understand." Of course, whenever a girl on The Bachelor says "I completely understand," it really means "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? I WAS SURE THAT WE WERE GOING TO GET MARRIED!"

Jennifer's initial calmness turned into sniffles, which lead to smeared makeup, and then transformed into full blown tears. Crying lead to hyperventilating, which gave way to a full fledged panic attack. The last we saw Jennifer a giant vein pulsating had developed on her forehead as she compulsively picked at her face sobbing, "What did I do wrong?"

Jennifer is the perfect example of how an eliminated Bachelor contestant can go from relatively pretty to a near death train wreck in just a matter of seconds...kind of like Brittney Spears' life, but on speed.

Monday, January 23, 2012

The Bachelor Blog: "I got a fish, and then her head almost popped off"

You knew the estrogen levels were starting to get high The Bachelor mansion this week when Ben announced that he was asking Rachel on a 1-on-1 date, and two different girls lost their shit started crying. Or as Kacie B. managed to sniffle, "I...wanted to throw up."

Rachel's date consisted of a canoe ride, followed by a general lack of conversation. However, Rachel isn't ugly, and she isn't crazy (so far as we know so far), so Ben gave her a rose anyway. Given some of the other girls left in the house, I can't say that he made the wrong decision.

Seriously, some girls get dates with private concerts, others get to do adventurous things like climb the Golden Gate Bridge. Rachel got to go on a canoe Utah.

This week's group date began with a horseback ride, followed by Ben trying to teach the girls how to fly-fish. Courtney explained, "Let's be honest, it's not really about catching a trout, it's about catching Ben...I've never fished before, but catching a fish probably isn't much harder than catching a man - done that before."

Having dated actor Jesse Metcalf of Desperate Housewives, Courtney Robertson definitely seems have a plan to "catch men"...even if she always does have a look on her face like someone took a shit on her stilettos.

Things didn't initially go as Courtney had planned, as Kacie B. was the first girl that Ben paid attention to. This caused Courtney to comment, "I think Kacie B's cute and sweet, and she's kind of annoying." She also proclaimed that she's "not jealous" of Kacie B., even though she can't refrain from making the "bitter bitch face" whenever she talks about her.

Having broken up with her boyfriend just to come on The Bachelor, Courtney has a lot riding on "winning."

Courtney went on to proclaim that she was going to turn the Group Date into her own 1-on-1 date, and she took Ben upstream and away from the other girls. Lindzi tried to interrupt their alone time and prove to Ben how outdoorsy she was, but her attempt proved to be awkward as Courtney caught the only fish of the date just as she arrived, prompting her to snark, "I think Lindzi should have stayed back and it would have been less awkward for her...I got a fish, and then her head almost popped off."

After making out with Kacie B. back at the mansion, Courtney got jealous and threatened Ben by telling him that she had "lost sight of everything...of us." This caused Ben to panic and change his mind on who he was going to give the Group Date Rose to, and he ended up giving it to Courtney just to reassure her. The normally sweet Kacie B. responded by saying, "I have this moment with him, and then he comes and gives the rose to Courtney - it pisses me off."

In a Bachelor 101 tactical error, Samantha L. tried a similar approach with Ben as Courtney did, demanding to know why she had been on 3 Group Dates, but not a single 1-on-1. Apparently Samantha was not hot enough for Ben, as he immediately informed her that he didn't "see this going very much further," and he sent her packing on the spot...Of course, there's also a rumor floating around that Samantha had fallen for one a producer who was married with kids, so that also might have played just a small role in why she was sent home.

The second 1-on-1 date went to Jennifer, who's a cute enough girl, but probably not one of the front-runners. Ben took her on a hike up to the top of a crater, which they repelled down and plunged into a pool of warm spa like water. Later, they took a gondola back down the crater, where they were treated to a concert by Clay Walker.

While it seemed like their date went well, this was probably the typical Bachelor example of the two hitting it off because of what they were doing, and not necessarily who they were with. If the two had done something say, having gone on a canoe ride, I'm not sure they would have hit it off.

Emily decided to tell Ben how Courtney is a giant bitch and not a good match for him. However, Ben warned her not to get consumed by Courtney, and urged her to stay focused on the two of them instead. As is always the case in The Bachelor, it's never a good idea to waste you time campaigning negatively against one of the other girls when you could be selling yourself, or as Courtney put it, "Why would she be so stupid to talk about me with (her) 1-on-1 time with him? What an idiot."

Courtney and and Emily then followed the girl playbook to a tee by getting passive aggressive and talking negatively about each other within earshot, but not actually saying anything directly to each other. One of the girls tried to break the tension by noting, "There are roses tonight, how do we feel about that?" That cause Courtney to snark, "I feel awesome about it because I already have one."

Much to Courtney's dismay, Emily ended up getting the final rose of the evening, with Monica coming up empty handed.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Bachelor Blog: "Butt-skiing backwards is on my leap list"


This week we had The Bachelor "shake-up" episode, with one girl voluntarily leaving the house, and an old contestant walking back in. We also learned this week that former Bachelor contestant Emily Maynard has been handed the keys to the mansion to be the next Bachelorette, or should I say "The NASCARette." My early money is on Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to win her hand.

Ben chose Emily, the epidemiologist, to go with him on the week's first 1-on-1 on a hike up the Golden Gate Bridge to the top of one of its arches. Of course, keeping up with The Bachelor tradition of intentionally sending people on dates that involve things they are afraid of, Emily just happened to be terrified of heights.

Sending Emily up one of the suspension cables of the Golden Gate Bridge was akin to having the girl who's deathly afraid of water snorkel on the Great Barrier Reef, having the girl scared of flying go on an open cock-pit helicopter ride, and having the NASCAR widow drive a race car (Her ex actually died in in a plane crash and not a car wreck, but she had a fat little daughter with him so I guess we're not allowed to question her emotions).

Frankly, I don't blame Emily for being terrified of heights. There's only one reason to climb to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, and that's to jump off and plunge to a horrific fucking death.

In the end Emily was a good sport having conquered her fear of heights after Ben gave her a kiss, which ultimately earned her a rose. As a bonus, the other girls were able to spy on them climbing the Golden Gate Bridge from the mansion with telescopes, and they also saw the fireworks that went off when the two of them ultimately had sex...I mean made-out at the end of the night.

For the Group Date, Ben took roughly half of the girls on a ski trip down a San Francisco street that had been blocked-off and covered with artificial snow. Kind of like when any city in the South gets a quarter inch of snow, total chaos ensued. When Kacie B. finished the final leg of the hill going backwards and doing the splits, Ben proclaimed that "butt-skiing backwards is on my leap list."

Apparently Kacie B. didn't back that ass up enough, as Rachel was the one who ultimately got the "Group Date" Rose. Now if we could just find a way to get figure skaters to wear less clothing...

Back at the house, Brittney was asked to go on the second 1-on-1 date. Strangely, almost as if she had a secret boyfriend back home, Brittney declared that her heart wasn't in it for the right reasons and she decided to go home. This caused Ben to reflect, "Her departure represents that any of these women can leave whenever they want," proving that The Bachelor is a step above fundamental Mormonism and the Church of Scientology when it comes to women's rights.

Between Blakeley and Brittney, ABC should have saved some expenses and just shot this year's season of The Bachelor at the local Hooters restaurant in San Francisco.

The new 1-on-1 date was awarded to Lindzi, the equestrian rider from Seattle. Lindzi didn't seem to mind being Ben's second choice, even though the Goodyear Blimp flew by and mistakenly spelled out Brittney's name. Well, maybe that didn't happen, but Lindzi was still a trooper nonetheless.

The two went on a date to San Francisco's City Hall, which would have been the perfect setting for Blakeley and Monica to get married in the footsteps of Harvey Milk's corpse, only the two budding lesbians no longer seem to be a couple. When Monica saw Blakeley's picture come up in Ben's car during a picture slide-show of the remaining girls on their way to the ski-date she snarked, "I'd rather look at Rachel." Damn, was it a man or the money that came between the once happy couple?

While Lindzi has come across like a normal girl, something about her seems just a little bit off. Ben broached that subject by asking her how she was still single. Lindzi brought up how she had been in love once, only to be dumped via a text message that read, "Welcome to Dumpsville, population you." Let's just say I'm a doubter. Personally, I'd be willing to bet that something else went on to precipitate such a message, as you just don't get dumped like that out of the blue if you were truly in love unless you did something really wrong.

At the Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony, Ben spent time with Jennifer and confidentially told her that she was the best kisser in the house, meaning that he also secretly acknowledged that he had pretty much kissed every other girl in the house. I have a feeling that is going to end up being a problem for Ben once all the girls start putting 2 and 2 together. However, being a girl, Jennifer wasn't ready to do that kind of hard math just quite yet, and she became the first girl of the season to declare herself to be "falling in love."

Ben also pulled bitch-faced model Courtney aside and took her to the secret room that JFK used to take Marlyn Monroe to, where they began making out. Working her 5-minutes of fame, Courtney told Ben, "I deal with the drama because it's worth it to me," which of course is kind of like saying that you deal with shit on the floor because you're the one who pooped there.

Just as Lindzi received a rose from Ben and declared that "nothing could ruin it," the TV audience was shown a video of an "unknown" girl calling Chris Harrison and declaring that she was driving in to see Ben. As the mystery girl arrived at the Mansion, she walked right passed the other girls and onto the patio looking for Ben, causing Courtney to take notice and ask, "Who's THAT girl?" After a stunned Elyse had her private conversation with Ben interrupted, she demanded to know, "Who IS she?"

My initial instinct was, 'holy shit, the mystery girl's going to be Jennifer Love Hewitt, or maybe the "Fang Girl" from last season!' Instead, the "mystery girl"  just turned out to be Shawntel, the creepy mortician from Brad's season. That caused Jaclyn to exclaim, "We don't want re-use Brad's dumpster trash!" Ben, who awkwardly acknowledged that he and Shawntel had talked before the show, allowed her to attend the Rose Ceremony, but without any promises.

If tabloid reports are true, Ben actually went out on a date at Jennifer Love Hewitt's request, but ultimately was not interested in her. Now he has Blakeley and Courtney to choose from. Advice to Ben, when you have an "A-List" celebrity pursuing you, don't throw that opportunity away to date a waitress who's clearly using you just to land the cover shot on next year's Hooters Calendar.

Shawntel's arrival clearly brought out the absolute worst in the other contestants. Whether it was girls trying to be funny, to just plain being bitchy, no guy wants to hear any of that shit. Honestly, a girl's either hot or she's not, and nothing else matters...and if any of you women want to yell at me for saying that, then stop going out with guys who play the acoustic guitar and then we can talk.

My girlfriend went as far as to ask if they were putting anything in the girls drinks to make them cry, to which my prompt response was, "Yes, it's called estrogen." Unfortunately, we still had to listen to Courtney go through the dramatics of saying how she'd decline her rose if Shawntel got one, only to see her accept when she was the first girl offered at the Rose Ceremony. She did give Ben a bitchy lecture about how upset she was at him, even though she's supposed to be the one competing for his affection.

Ultimately, it came down to one rose with only Erica, Jaclyn and Shawntel left. The pressure proved to be too much, as Erica fainted and Jaclyn went all scorned lover by blurting out how she was "getting dumped by a girl that he's know for three minutes" even before made a decision. After Erica regained conciousness and Jaclyn quit screaming, Ben announced that none of the three girls would be getting the final rose...And just to set the record straight, Jaclyn didn't get dumped because Shawntel came on the show, she got dumped because she's fucking ugly.

 Jaclyn Swartz kind of looks like one of those kids who has that rapid aging disease, only if that kid had really bad hair extensions and was trying to dress up as Paris Hilton for Halloween... Jesus, now I'm going to have nightmares.

Monday, January 16, 2012

NFL Picks - Conference Championship Games: Because Joe Flacco is rocking a bitchin' Freddy Mercury mustache, so he has that going.

NFL Divisional Playoff Results: 3-1
NFL Results Season to Date: 122-127-11

College Football Season Results: 32-31-2

NFL Conference Championship Game Picks (winners in parentheses):

Giants vs. 49ers (49ers, home, -3, Over 42 ) New York lost 27-20 the first time they played in San Francisco this season, so I have to think that the Over is going to prevail in this game. While Alex Smith is limited in his abiltiy to push the ball down field, the Giants back seven will allow the 49ers to pick up yards dinking and dunking the ball. If the 49ers have a weakness on defense, it's their secondary, which will have its hands full with the Giants big and explosive wide receivers.

Ravens vs. Patriots (Ravens, road, +9, Over 50.5) As good as Baltimore's defense is, I can't see them slowing down New England's offense. However, I think the Ravens offense is capable of scoring some points, as Ray Rice should be able to exploit the Patriots defense by getting outside and in the passing game... and Joe Flacco is rocking a bitchin' Freddie Mercury mustache, so he has that going for him. 

I have no idea what's going on in Joe Flacco's personal life, but I want to party with that dude...I just don't necessarily want him as my team's quarterback.

Friday, January 13, 2012

NFL Picks - Divisional Playoffs: Because if Tom Brady didn't like getting drafted in the 6th round, he has nobody to blame but himself.

NFL Wildcard Weekend Results: 0-4
NFL Results Season to Date: 119-126-11

College Football BCS Championship Game Results: 0-1
College Football Results Season to Date: 32-31-2

NFL Divisional Championship Game Picks (winners in parentheses):

Saints vs. 49ers (49ers, home, +4) New Orleans is not nearly as good of a team on the road as they are at home, and they're even worse when their road games are on natural grass. San Francisco's defense should be able to keep the Saints in the low to mid twenty point range, so this game will come down to Alex Smith and the running game carrying their end of the deal. If they can't, the 49ers just might find themselves in the Peyton Manning sweepstakes.

Giants vs. Packers (Packers, home, -9) Green Bay received their first significant snowfall of the year on Thursday, which should do nothing but add to their home field advantage. In a Packer tradition, the team is paying loyal fans $10/hour to shovel out the stadium, so you know the "Packer-Backers" will be out in full force on Sunday. The Giants stayed close to the Packers in their first match-up, but that game was in New York. Aaron Rodgers should be able to pick apart the mediocre secondary of the Giants. While the Packers defense has struggled at times this year giving up points, they've also got the playmakers to create some turnovers giving their offense the extra cushion they need to prevail in this game.

Finally, after a several year hiatus, C.W.A. is back with a new release! Let's see your "Packer Face!"

Texans vs. Ravens (Ravens, home, -4) Joe Flacco is no Trent Dilfer, but T.J. Yates is no Matt Leinart. Both Baltimore and Houston have great defenses, but the Ravens have shown that they have the ability to score points at times behind Ray Rice, while the Texans have struggled to find themselves on offense since Matt Schaub was lost with a season ending foot injury. If the Texans become one-dimensional and only run the ball, Baltimore should be able to shut them down.

Broncos vs. Patriots (Patriots, home, -14) Is anybody else sick of the overplayed storyline of how Tom Brady is still motivated because he was only a 6th Round draft pick? If Tom Brady didn't like getting drafted in the 6th round, he has nobody to blame but himself. He was an out of shape and mediocre quarterback in college who's body "magically transformed" once he got to the pros. Brady not only couldn't even hold down a full time starting job at the University of Michigan, but he really doesn't even have an argument that he deserved more playing time.

I know he just lost a bet, but Tom Brady wouldn't have started at Michigan State either.

I'm not buying into the "God wants Tim Tebow to win a Super Bowl hype." If God wanted him to be a succesful NFL quarterback, he would have given him the ability to throw. In fact, I'm not even sure that Tebow is really even left-handed. The way that he throws the ball, he's like the right-handed kid you grew up who insisted on batting lefty just to try to be cool in front of the guys, even though he always ended up striking out.

Google what Tavaris Jackson did in Minnesota behind a good defense in 2008 & 2009. It was very similar to what Tim Tebow has done in his first two years, yet we don't hear people talk about him incessantly or see him in underwear ads.

Look for New England to put up over 40 points on the Broncos like they did less than a month ago. If that's the case, there's no way Tebow and his "Te-cipals" will be able to keep pace offensively.

Tim Tebow vs. Tom I the only one hoping that the Department of Homeland Security takes a long holiday weekend?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Bachelor Blog: "So, how'd that taste coming out your mouth?"

With the first Rose Ceremony out of the way, Ben chose Kacie B. to go on the season's first 1-on-1 date. The date took place in the downtown Sonoma, CA, where Ben lives. In what seemed like the only 5 minutes of normalcy we've seen this season, the two really seemed to hit things off. I'm making Kacie my early frontrunner to win since she a relatively pretty and seemingly down to earth girl.

When Kacie saw a baton in the window of an old fashioned toy store, she admitted to Ben that she had been a twirler in her youth. While Blakeley also acknowledged twirling a baton or two in her day, they were apparently talking about two entirely different things. Kacie and Ben then marched down the street as if that was completely normal to everyone around them before going to a theater and watching home videos of each other from their youth. In a side note, Ben lives in the whitest town in all of America.

Meanwhile, the first group date was announced, where roughly half of the girls accompanied Ben to participate with an acting class. However, when it was revealed that it was a childrens' acting troupe as opposed to professional actors, not only were most of the girls pissed, but they turned out to be very inappropriately dressed as well.

With the children having written a Bachelor themed fairy-tale, they auditioned the girls for the various roles in their play. For her audition, one of the children asked Blakeley (who was wearing a very revealing low cut jumper/romper) to "jog in slow motion."

If a ten-year-old asked Blakeley to jog slowly in slow motion Baywatch style, either the Producers were feeding him the line, or the steroids being put in our meats really are causing kids to hit puberty several years earlier than they used to.

Apparently Blakeley, the "VIP" cocktail waitress, is polarizing to women of all ages, as one of the little girls said, "That girl with the, uh, the like (trying to describe her boobs and plunging neckline with hand gestures)...I wasn't a fan of her." On the other hand a little boy could not control his smile when he said, "I thought she did good!" ABC then signed the boy up to be The Bachelor 2025, and the girl to be one of his contestants. Spoiler Alert! - The little girl gets eliminated in the second week when she has a melt-down after realizing she doesn't stack up with the other women.

Somebody needs to tell Blakeley what the "Very Important" in V.I.P. stands for.

Following the play, the girls met Ben for drinks at the pool where a rose still up for grabs from the group date. When one of the girls exclaimed "There's a rose on the table!," the girls stared it down like my dog does when there's food in front of him that he knows that he can't touch, but he is not so secretly hoping gets offered to him or accidentally falls on the floor...whichever happens first. Personally, if I was The Bachelor I'd hold my rose over the girl's head and make her jump for it, but that's just me.

My dog Shaq...drooling.

True to form, when house-bitch Blakeley heard about the rose she snarked, "I know, I didn't want to take it in front of you guys." She then proceeded to isolate Ben in the pool, where they engaged in a make-out session within eye-shot of the other girls. Not surprisingly, Blakeley received the rose from Ben for making the most of her "conversation time" with him.

Well, who knew? Apparently Maxim let Blakeley keep the swimsuit.

For his second one-on-one date, Ben selected Courtney, the other girl in the house who was going out of her way to be catty with the other women. For instance, when Kacie read the announcement that Ben had selected Courtney for the date, Courtney antagonized her by quipping, "So, how'd that taste coming out of your mouth?" She also passive aggressively questioned Lindzie C. on whether she felt like she got the First Impression Rose because Ben really liked her, or just because she made a big entrance on her horse.

Not surprisingly, after Courtney found out she was going on the 1-on-1 she voiced her true motives. "I have really good interactions with him. I'm also really competitive, and I usually win - WINNING!" Note to Courtney, if it wasn't amusing when Charlie Sheen said it, then it's certainly not amusing when a girl says it.

So to recap, so far Ben gave a group date rose to the biggest slut in the house in Blakeley, and one of his two 1-on-1 dates to the bitchy girl who's only on the show to further her modeling career. So far it's pretty safe to say that Ben might not be the best decision maker.

Upon showing up for the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Ben proclaimed that the evening was for all the girls that did not get to go on a group date or otherwise have time with him. That didn't stop Blakeley from repeatedly butting in and stealing him away from girls as they were trying to use what little time they had left to make a final impression upon him.

It was evident that Blakeley was getting cocky when she announced, "All these bitches, I just got the rose dude!" She also bragged, "Being a Scorpio, we're super passionate and great lovers." Comments like those ultimately caused some of the other girls to knock her down a peg and freeze her out of the room with their own snarky comments directed back at her.

I'm thinking that  Blakeley being good in bed has less to do with her Zodiac sign, and more to do with the fact that she's a dirty whore.
Meanwhile, Jennacray Z. used her alone time with Ben to try and explain why she was such a mess before the first Rose Ceremony, only she rambled on said something along the lines of, "I feel like a guy." Not only did Jenna totally fuck up her chance for an endorsement deal with Secret Anti-perspirant, but Ben was visibly uncomfortable. Ultimately, Jenna was left mumbling to herself when she was interrupted by another girl who took Ben away from her before she could clarify that she actually is a woman.

Needless to say, when Ben intervened to straighten things out with the girls after learning of conflicts within the house, he found Blakeley balled up in the corner of the luggage room and Jenna in the room next to her sobbing uncontrollably. It was at that point that he had an "Oh-Shit" moment where he remembered why guys don't like to date any one woman for an extended period of time, let alone 20 of them.

So was "mean-girl" Blakeley really crying over comments from some of the other girls, or did she just use that as a cover when Ben walked in on her snorting coke in the corner of the luggage-room?.

By the Rose Ceremony we had a good idea of who was crazy (Jenna), and who the gold-digging sluts were (Blakeley and Courtney). Lets just say that when it comes to having a strategy on The Bachelor, it's better for the girls to use their sex appeal and piss off the other girls than it is to have a melt-down in the bachelor's presence and expect him to keep you around out of sympathy.

Not surprisingly, Blakeley and Courtney both received their roses before the Rose Ceremony, while Jenna the blogger girl was sent home crying hysterically. A girl named Shawn was also evicted, but I really don't even know which one she was. Personally I think it was too early for Ben to start sending pretty girls home just because they might be a little bit emotionally unstable, especially when there are still plenty of chicks like Jaclyn and Monica left in the house that he needs to get rid of simply because they're ugly.

Getting sent home after two emotional melt-downs over a guy that she had only known for 2 days is probably not going to help the credibility of Jenna's relationship blog. Then again, she's almost guaranteed to get an invite to be on The Bachelor Pad.

And on a final note, here's a must-see reality dating show parody from the NFL Network:

Monday, January 9, 2012

The Bachelor Blog: "Maybe we can share a tampon sometime"

This season's bachelor is Constantine. Okay, I'm informed that the bachelor is not Constantine, it's some other guy from last fall's season of The Bachelorette who looks just like Constantine, neither of whom ended up getting picked by the girl with the gigantic forehead.

Believe it or not, these are two different guys who appeared on The Bachlorette last season. Up top is Constantine, while "Not Constantine," a/k/a Ben, is below him. 

Actually, "Not Constantine" is really Ben, who is the male version of last season's bachelorette, Ashley. While Ben doesn't really have the personality and charisma to carry a show like The Bachelor by himself, he's not someone who's going to make news for being physically or emotionally abusive to the opposite sex, which has recently become important to ABC...and yes, I'm talking about Vienna.

This season has the standard mix of desperate girls who are either on the show just to make names for themselves, or ones who have the requisite background stories...Mom's with dependency issues, dad's in prison, dead husbands, bastard children, uncles who molested them, grandmas, and the ability to fall in love in the amount of time that it takes to walk from a limousine and into a mansion.

The good news is that the show brings out every negative quality that a woman can have: cattiness, neediness, sluttiness, desperation and white girls trying to rap. That is why I'm attempting my first "Bachelor Blog."

See, I began watching this show with my girlfriend last year, and we ended up just sitting around and cracking jokes about the contestants the entire time. Since I've already tried blogging three other reality shows, I figured that I might as well take a stab at this one too since it was practically writing itself.

Am I afraid that it will make me less of a man and diminish the credibility of my football related blog posts? Yes, yes I am, but I have to do something to get back in my girlfriend's good graces after all of the college cheerleader pictures I've been posting.

First Impressions (not an exhaustive list, but my thoughts on the girls who stood out):

Holly - A blond from the bluegrass state who came in wearing a "Derby hat." After she asked Ben the two things Kentucky is known for, she revealed that they were "beautiful women and fast horses." However, living in the state of Kentucky myself, I think she got it confused, as the two things we are actually known for are "beautiful horses and fast women."

Brittney - As a way to stand out from the field, Brittney caused a stir by bringing her 92-year-old grandmother with her to meet Ben. While there is nothing that a guy wants to do more than meet a girl's grandmother, especially when he has over 20 other beautiful girls (and 3 ugly ones) to choose from, Brittney definitely stood the other girls who instantly hated her for going with such a cheesy play for sympathy.

Brittney S. is such a good family girl...she'd make any Grandma very proud.

Lindzie C. - Like Brittney, Lindzie C. was somehow able to get authorization from the show's Producers to utilize a prop while making her entrance. However, instead of using some old lady's corpse, Lindzie C. rode in on her horse, which immediately grabbed Ben's attention and helped her earn the First Impression Rose. It also earned her the scorn of every other girl in the house...

Holly, the wanna be horse girl from Kentucky, made a face like her thong had popped when she realized that she had been upstaged by a real life equestrian rider when she's really just some chick who shows her tits to a bunch of rednecks on the infield at Churchill Downs after bonging a few lukewarm tallboys of Bush Light.

Samantha - Samantha wore her "Miss Pacific Palasides" sash into the house, which to me was akin to the guy on last season's The Bachelorette who wore a mask and refused to to take it off. The only difference is that the dude from The Bachelorette wore the mask so Ashley would get to know him for his personality, while Samantha wore her sash to make sure that Ben remembered her for her looks.

I'm just looking forward to Samantha getting eliminated so we can see shots of her sneaking around the house at night after all the other girls have gone to bed to Phantom of the Opera music, and then sitting on the toilet wearing nothing but her sash...actually, strike the Phantom of the Opera music and add Here She Is, Miss America music, and I think we have a winner.

Courtney - The model who clearly has no interest in Ben. She obviously just wants to be on the show to further her career and beat the other girls for the sport of it. Upon seeing her for the first time, Ben stammered, "That's a pretty girl" as Courtney walked away. This isn't going to end well for Ben, who's clearly out of his league with this cup of bad news.

Amber T. - Amber is a tomboy/hunter from Nebraska, which pretty much makes her un-datable to anyone outside of the state of Nebraska. While Amber declared that she wanted to take Ben back home and make him eat "beef nuts" (cow balls) because they're "really, really messy - and really, really slimy," she got eliminated when she wore a jersey dress with Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s logo on it to the Rose Ceremony.

The Lesbians (Blakeley and Monica) - Blakely is the standard V.I.P. cocktail waitress, a slutty girl who makes a living conning rich old guys into giving her big tips.

I think it's safe to say that Blakeley is on The Bachelor for all the right reasons.

Monica is the girl who was obviously brought on the show for the sole purpose of playing the villain, as she's not pretty enough to be on for any other reason. In fact, you can always tell the girls on reality dating shows that don't really care about the guy because they always end up getting totally bombed at the first cocktail party and making catty comments to the other girls. That's exactly what happened when Monica picked a fight with Jenna, and then made a not so subtle drunken pass at Blakely on the couch in front of the rest of the house. "I love Blakeley. No, I'm serious. I love girls. She's real, and she's amazing. I love her - her teeth, her beauty, her eyes - God, there is something about a gorgeous real woman!"

Even though Monica has no apparent interest in Ben (or any other man for that matter), you just know that the producers are going to make sure that he keeps her around long enough to stir things up around the house in order to generate some buzz and ratings.

Jenna - At first I thought that "Bachelor Blog Girl" Jenna, a relationship blogger from New York, was going to be the pretty all-American girl that makes a run to the end. However, it quickly became obvious that she is bat-shit crazy. Of course I should have known better, as the only girls who write relationship blogs are the ones who are too crazy to be in an actual relationship themselves.

Jenna completely lost her shit after she got into an argument with Monica, which culminated with Jenna sarcastically saying, "Maybe we can share a tampon sometime!" I'm not really sure what happened after that, as the phrase "share a tampon" sent me into toxic-shock for about 20 minutes, but when I came to Jenna had locked herself in the bathroom where she could be heard crying and mumbling to herself.

Oddly enough, locking herself in a bathroom and crying is the exact same thing that my date for Homecoming did my senior year in high school...true story.

While I actually think that Jenna is probably one of the few girls who really want to be on the show to meet Ben, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that she's also going to be the first girl to declare that she's "falling in love" with him after just a few conversations and a one-on-one date to a Benihana, where they sit at a community table before going straight home.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

NFL Picks - Wildcard Weekend: Because Tim Tebow has never had sex with a girl, while Ben Roethlisberger has sex with women even when they don't want to have sex with him.

Week 17 NFL Results: 8-8
NFL Results Season to Date: 119-122-11

College Football Bowl Results: 3-3
College Football Results Season to Date: 32-30-2

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks (winners in parentheses):
Bengals vs. Texans (Bengals, road, +3) Both teams start rookie quarterbacks, one a heralded rookie who was handed his teams starting job from day one, and the other a third-stringer who was forced into action due to injuries. While Houston clearly would like to ride their running game in the playoffs as much as possible to take the pressure off of T.J. Yates, the Bengals defense is not an ideal match-up for them to do so. Look for Andy Dalton and the Bengals to do slightly more through the air to not only cover, but to steal a win on the road.
Lions vs. Saints (Lions, road, +11) For some reason, the spread in this game is 11 points, the same margin by which New Orleans beat Detroit on December 4th. I look for the Lions to perform better than they did in their 31-17 loss for several reasons:

- In the initial game, the Lions followed up an undisciplined game against Green Bay on Thanksgiving with 11 penalties for over 100 yards against the Saints. Those penalties included after the whistle personal fouls on Brandon Pettigrew, Titus Young and Stefan Logan, as well as three offensive pass interference calls on Nate Burleson. While Detroit is not the most disciplined team in the league, they seem to have gotten their personal fouls under control in recent weeks, and Burleson is no longer wearing white sleeves underneath his jersey so as to avoid having any routine pushing and shoving stand out to the officials.

-In their first match-up Detroit was without starting cornerback Chris Houston, top back-up cornerback Brandon McDonald, starting safety Louis Delmas, and defensive end rush specialist Lawrence Jackson. Additionally, first round pick defensive tackle Nick Fairley and running back Kevin Smith were injured during the game, and all world defensive tack Ndamukong Suh sat out due to a suspension. Not that injuries are an excuse, but at a time when most teams are losing players, with the exception of running back Jahvid Best Detroit will have every projected starter from the opening of training camp back and healthy for this game.

-I thought the Lions were dealt a raw deal when their first game with the Saints was flex-timed to Sunday Night Football by NBC, as playing at the Superdome in primetime is a significant disadvantage. However, that game will prove to be a significant learning experience now that they have drawn the Saints on the road in primetime for the second time in a month the playoffs. While another team might be forced to guess when simulating the conditions they expect from the Saints home crowd, the Lions have already seen the best that those crazy coon-asses have to offer, so they will be able to adjust their protections and calls before the game even begins based upon what they saw and heard in December.

If you thought that the 1985 Bears were the first team to make a music single, you'd be wrong. That distinction went to Jimmy "Spiderman" Allen and the 1980 Detroit Lions. And if you thought that Ndamukong Suh's kick was violent, it doesn't even hold a candle to Billy Sims "karate" kick back in 1983.

Falcons vs. Giants (Falcons, road, +3) I know they are at home and outdoors, but I just don't trust that New York is a good football team. They can't run the ball, they can't stop the run, and they can't cover. While they should be able to move the ball in the air against Atlanta, the Falcons have a much more balanced attack and should win this game assuming they don't fall in love with the pass and abandon the run, as they've had a tendency to due at times this season.
Steelers vs. Broncos (Steelers, road, -9) Tim Tebow has never had sex with a girl, Ben Roethlisberger has sex with women even when they don't want to have sex with him. I don't expect Denver to be able to move the ball against the Steelers defense, and while Pittsburgh's offense has also struggled to score points of late, something tells me that when Big Ben wants something, Big Ben gets it...

I'm just hoping that Ben Roethlisberger wants this game and not Tim Tebow's mom.

National Championship Game

Alabama vs. LSU (LSU, -1) Honestly? the National Championship comes down to a rematch of what was a boring game between two teams from the same division in the same conference? While the Crimson Tide COULD be the second best team in the country, giving them a rematch against the Tigers is kind of like letting a girl going back to her abusive know she's going to get beat, it's just a matter of how.

I've never quite understood why dudes in the South wear coats and ties to football games.  We all know that they don't have real jobs, so it's not like they're coming from a business meeting or anything important. Plus, the guy in white appears to be crying...ROLL DAMN TEARS!!!