Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "I do like tall, skinny and funny, but I don't like tall, skinny and condescending"

Now that we're two episodes into Emily's season, we have a better idea of the type of men she's looking to keep around...Race car drivers, bad boys capable of generating ratings for ABC, and guys with enough money to afford the installment payments on her fake teeth.

First up this week was Chris, who Emily selected for a 1-on-1 date. Their task was to repel up (do you repel up, or just down?) to the top of a building where they would have a romantic rooftop dinner.

Emily was clearly scared of the climb, which Chris capitalized on by taking their relationship straight to the friendship zone.

"When you accomplish something together, and you obviously have an attraction...You want to give her a kiss, but I thought we'd finish it off with a high-five instead...and I'm standing there like an idiot."

Emily also had reservations about Chris' age. "Hearing that Chris is 25 was a little bit scary for me. I feel like that is maybe a red-flag...I've always dated older guys, and never anyone younger than me."

Apparently a starving cat and a refrigerator stocked with nothing but Bud Light, Sun Drop sodas, Lunchables and frozen pizzas doesn't constitute a red-flag if you're older than Emily...and a rich and famous NASCAR driver.

Chris finally got up the nerve to ask Emily for a kiss as country music singer Luke Bryan serenaded them with a romantic song about all-terrain vehicles.

That song must have done the trick, as she accepted Chris' advances and ended up giving him a rose for their 1-on-1 date.

The Group Date was announced via a card that vaguely said, "Let's play." In actuality, it was an opportunity three of Emily's closest friends (plus some random Indian lady) to grill the guys with face to face questions.

As Emily lead the men back to where her friends sat in the park, one of the contestants could be heard excitedly asking, "Are we getting manicures?" While we couldn't tell exactly who said it, my bet is that it was Ryan, who just may be operating on the "down low."

Emily must have put a few 6-packs of Bush Light in their picnic basket to loosen everyone up, as some of the guys were a little too honest with their answers.

When Wolf was asked what made him come on the show, his response may have outed him as this year's contestant who's in a relationship. "To be honest, my girlfriend said 'you should go on.'"

He then clarified by saying that it wasn't a "girlfriend," but rather "friends that are girls," but I'm not so sure that Wolf isn't just wearing sheep's clothing when it comes to his true intentions for being on the show.

When Emily asked Ryan if it would be okay to gain weight after getting pregnant, she did not get the response that a girl wants to hear. "No, it's not...I would still love you, I just might not love on you as much."

As Emily's friend Wendy lusted after Sean, he was heard saying on camera, "I'm not going to be taking my shirt off today, not going to happen." 

Of course, just a few seconds later Sean was peeling off his shirt and was doing push-up with Emily's friend reverse dry-humping his back.

Based in part on the recommendation of her horny friends who aren't quite pretty enough to whore themselves out for NASCAR drivers, Emily gave Sean the Group Date Rose.

Alessandro was the biggest loser of the question and answer session. When asked about his longest relationship, the Brazilian said, "I had this long relationship with this girl, she's my cousin....She got married last fall, but I still thought about her."

He went on to say, "I'm kind of a Gypsy. I'm single, I have no compromise, I can't even have a pet," before Emily's friends gasped, "She has a kid!"

Emily went on to question Alessandro about his willingness to marry a girl who has a child from a prior relationship at the cocktail party following the Group Date. Unfortunately, things didn't go much better for him than they did on the date itself.

When Alessandro told her that he was willing to make that "compromise," Emily scolded him by saying, "Me having a daughter isn't a compromise, and anybody that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with is going to see that as the biggest bonus ever."

And just as I commented out loud about how the language barrier was obviously killing Alessandro, he jammed his foot further into his mouth by saying, "No, I don't see it that way...I can't even say it's the language barrier, I know how to communicate."

And just like that, Emily escorted Alessandro out of the mansion and sent him back home to Brazil, where he can roam free-range while looking for not-so distant family members to seduce.

Tony began to question whether he was doing the right thing by leaving his son at home to be on the show.

Doug, the single dad that Emily actually likes tried to comfort him by saying, "He's five dude. You know what? Five-year-olds, they have attention spans like a humming bird."

Of course, Doug may not exactly be father of the year material. When I told my then 4-year-old son how I had once tried out to be on The Amazing Race, he thought about it for moment before saying, "Daddy, I don't want you to go on The Amazing Race...I need you to stay here and make sure I don't do bad things."

Unable to come to the conclusion on his own that you don't do things like leave your children to chase high-end white trash tail on reality TV shows, Emily helped Tony out by effectively telling him that he had little chance of winning, and she sent him home sooner rather than later.

The second 1-on-1 date went to Arie, the IndyCar racer from Scottsdale, AZ. Emily elected to fly him to Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, TN...Because apparently all of Panama City Beach was booked for the weekend.

As they toured the amusement park, Emily became ecstatic when Dolly Parton surprised them with an impromptu concert.

Dolly's conversation with Emily Maynard might have marked the first time that Dolly Parton was in a room with someone who had undergone just as much plastic surgery than she had.

Emily was clearly impressed to meet her idol, and she let us know why she looks up to her. "She's just such a cool lady. Like, (she) speaks her mind and wears costumes everyday," which interestingly enough is also the new recruiting slogan for the National Organization for Women.

Emily and Arie let Dolly slip away after playing two songs, neither of which was Jolene or 9 to 5, which was a crime against humanity, or at least a crime against those of us who appreciated her work before Kenny Rogers and that damn beard of his began fucking with her mind.

When Arie asked Emily if she was okay with him being on the IndyCar circuit, he was practically asking her whether she was into shoes and cosmetic surgery.

Needless to say, Emily pretty much had a rose saved for Arie Luyendyk, Jr from the moment she heard him say "race car driver."

Back at the mansion, Emily either surprised everybody or nobody when she said, "I'm looking forward to seeing Kalon tonight, I can tell he's such a genuine guy."

Of course, that's the same Kalon who's a "luxury brand consultant," made his initial entrance to the mansion via a helicopter, described himself as an ex-womanizer, and fashions himself as a Houston area socialite...None of which scream of being the slightest bit materialistic.

Obviously there's an element of keeping polarizing people around for ratings in shows like The Bachelorette, but it's amazing how women can be so bad at picking out douche bags.

For some reason, guys with confidence and bravado must mess with a girl's estrogen levels, because any regular guy can pick up on the fact that dudes like Kalon and Ryan are completely fake after listening to them talk for all of about 30 seconds.

Meanwhile, I see Facebook posts from girls I know saying things like, "I've chosen who I want to take the final rose...Ryan!!! Love him."

Kalon might as well have stuck a stick with a red flag in his ass and started waiving it when he rudely cut Emily off as they talked about his obvious uneasiness about being a father to someone else's child. "Well, I love it when you talk, but I wish you'd let me finish."

Emily actually seemed willing to send him home when she said, "I do like tall, skinny and funny, but I don't like tall, skinny and condescending," but she ended up giving him a rose anyway...Because apparently she needs just a little more time to determine whether or not Kalon's a pompous little asshole.

With Alessandro and Tony already having been sent home, only one person was eliminated at the Rose Ceremony, with the final rose coming down to Stevie and Nate.

Stevie was ultimately sent back home to unleash bitchin' dance moves on the Jersey Shore that nobody has been able to replicate since the release of Breakin' 2, Electric Boogaloo back in 1984.

While Stevie did not find love with Emily, I think we just might have found the new Bachelor!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you're a dude, you're a [BLEEP]!"

With the first Rose Ceremony out of the way, Emily chose Ryan, a pro athlete trainer and former small time Arena Football player, to go on the season's first 1-on-1 date.

Ryan blessed us with wisdom like, "My pastor always said if you treat a woman like a queen, then she'll treat you like a king."

While Ryan comes across as a polite southern gentleman, something just doesn't quite seem genuine about him...Kind of like Mathew McConaughey.

Ryan was clearly disappointed when Emily informed him that instead of going on a glamorous date like a hot air balloon or airplane ride, they'd be going to her home to make snacks for her daughter's soccer practice.

Upon hearing Emily say that she happened to be the designated "snack mom"  for that evening's practice, I immediately called "bullshit," because there are no "snack moms" for soccer practices, only games.

The date proceeded on to dinner at Emily's favorite restaurant where the two were greeted by a paparazzi like crowd. As Emily said, "Charlotte is a small town, and when there's something going on, everyone knows about it."

Of course, Charlotte's greater metropolitan area has a population of 1.75 million, but who really pays attention to little details like that when ABC is trying to portray Emily as a small town single mom who didn't sleep with half of NASCAR.

Emily ultimately gave Ryan the 1-on-1 date rose, which made the after dinner concert that she had arranged by the band Gloriana slightly less awkward, that is, aside from the part where Ryan kept trying to lean in for a kiss while they were slow dancing that Emily clearly wasn't quite willing to dole out.

The Group Date was announced as a trip to the theatre, where the thirteen guys were surprised to be greeted by Kermit the Frog and Emily's daughter...I mean Miss Piggy.

The guys were right, Emily's daughter Ricki looks just like her.

Kermit quickly took charge of Emily's suitors like he was Chris Harrison, only Kermit was slightly less obvious about trying to hit on the female contestants.

Upon learning that he had been assigned to a group to perform stand-up comedy, Charlie asked to be moved to a group that didn't involve public speaking in light of his speech disability following his tragic backyard deck accident.

On the other hand, Stevie saw his assignment to perform a choreographed dance routine as a chance to add the street cred that he had been lacking on his resume to make him a headliner party MC.

"This is crazy right now, I can't believe that I'm actually dancing with the Muppets."

Okay, we might not be seeing Stevie spin iTunes at the Jersey Shore anytime soon, but he is available for Bar Mitzvahs and bachelorette parties, which just might be his new niche. 

Emily sought out Jef at the post Group Date cocktail party to question his feelings for her since he did not appear to seek her out during the performance with the Muppets.

After explaining his reservations about missing any signals that she was sending him in light of the other guys she was also flirting with, Emily gave Jef the Group Date Rose.

Kalon continued to rub the guys the wrong way, accusing Doug of taking time off as a dad to come on the show. That caused Doug to tell Kalon to "Check it," as he asked Kalon if he thought Emily was "putting being a mom on hold" by doing the show.

Stevie was also at odds with Kalon, flat out telling him, "That's why I don't like you." Of course Kalon smugly replied, "If I were you, I wouldn't like me either, bro."

Sean worried, "I get the impression that he uses his vocabulary as a way to of trying to show his dominance within the household."

While that does beat lifting his leg and peeing on the other guys, I still hate vocabulary bullies...It reminds me too much of the rough inner city grammar school that I attended in the suburbs.

Wolf may have had the best line about Kalon, saying, "I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage and you're a dude, you're a [BLEEP]."

Of course, guys usually have a way of figuring these things out right away, while girls tend to buy into cocky guys like Kalon who write stupid blogs.

The second 1-on-1 date went to Joe, the field energy adviser from L.A. Emily elected to fly him back to her home state of West Virginia, which unfortunately for Joe, made his date slightly less glamorous than staying in and making cookies for her daughter's soccer team.

In actuality, Emily took Joe to the famous Greenbrier Hotel, where she used to vacation with her family as a child.

In addition to growing up in West Virginia, Emily Maynard also spent time in the Florida Keys, where she graduated from Key West High School. Here she is in a  year book picture taken before she got the ridiculous glow in the dark veneers for her teeth.

While Joe was a nice enough guy, he proved to be too full of compliments and bored Emily to death, so much so that she declined to give him a rose at the end of their date.

That earned him a one way ticket out of West Virginia, which I'm pretty sure is the only way that Greyhound lets you book them, as there's not exactly a lot of interest in people booking trips into the "Wild and Wonderful" state.

At the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, the contestants scrambled to get some last minute time with Emily. Ryan, who already had a rose from his 1-on-1 date, took up most of her time by writing her a 15 minute long letter.

Not only was Ryan's letter slightly worse than the one that Doug wrote to Emily on behalf of his son, but Tony was left standing and waiting for Emily's time as Ryan painfully made her read his letter back to him out loud.

Fortunately Tony had a good sense of humor, telling Emily, "I told him to do that."

By the Rose Ceremony we had a good idea of who had made an impression on Emily. Lets just say that when it comes to having a strategy on The Bachelorette, it's better for the guys to act like douche bags and get the girl's attention than it is to be a down to earth guy and get caught blending in.

Not surprisingly, Kalon and Stevie both received roses, while Aaron and Kyle were sent packing. Kyle probably confused the word "heart" with "ego" when he said, "When you get your heart broken, it's the worst feeling in the world."

Biology teacher Aaron couldn't quite figure out exactly where things went wrong, not realizing that he made a tactical error in not seeing that Emily was looking for money and not brains. 

Of course, Aaron probably didn't help himself when he blew-off the Group Date to hit the early bird special at Morrison's Cafeteria.

And on a final note, here's a must-see reality dating show parody from the NFL Network:

Bachelorette Emily Maynard teeth

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog: "I think that being engaged is something really special, and something that should be saved for the person you're going to marry"

This season's Bachelorette is Emily Maynard, who was engaged to the son of a NASCAR team owner at the age of 18.

Being the true groupie that she was, Emily apparently removed her catalytic converter and allowed her fiance to pass along the NASCAR gene to a new generation of rednecks just before he died in a tragic plane crash.

Emily and her former fiance, Ricky-Bobby.

Emily went on to win Brad's season on the Bachelor, but she broke things off with him after she found out that he apparently had sex with Chantal O. in the Fantasy Suite even though Brad told her that he knew she was the one he was going to choose, turning Chantal O. into the stripper at his de facto bachelor party.

After reportedly dating several celebrities, including Carlina Panthers tight end and all-time douchebag Jeremy Shockey, Emily decided to pimp her little piglet daughter out for the whole world to see Toddlers and Tiaras style, which is the reason why this season of the Bachelorette is being shot in their current home city of Charlotte instead of Los Angeles.

Even though Emily is reported to have had this year's group of contestants vigorously screened to weed out the guys who were not really serious about dating her, this season still seems to have the standard mix of narcissistic guys who are only on the show to advance their music careers, modelling portfolios and lumber empires.

While she's been engaged twice now, Emily seems to be taking it serious this time. "I think that being engaged is something really special, and something that should be saved for the person you're going to marry."

Emily's outlook on engagement is refreshing, mainly because too many people are having engagements these days with people they have no intention of marrying...Like all of those damn gays in North Carolina where Emily resides.

The good news is that the show brings out the worst qualities that man as a gender has to offer: Guys who play the acoustic guitar, dudes who would willingly trade I.Q. points for abdominal muscles, and white guys from New Jersey who think that having an iTunes account on their laptop qualifies them to be a hip hop DJ.

Sean realizes that for every action, there's an opposite reaction...I'll let you figure do the math on that one. 

All of this has lead me to compromise my manhood yet again and make an attempt at blogging this season of the Bachelorette.

First Impressions (not an exclusive list, but here are the contestants who stood out):

Arie - Arie is a professional IndyCar driver from Scottsdale, AZ who has raced in the Indianapolis 500. He was worried that Emily might have an issue dating another racecar driver following her fiance's death.

A little more than a year after her fiance's death, Emily moved on to date The King of all Rednecks," Dale Earnhardt, Jr....Of course, she didn't date him just because he was another rich NASCAR driver. Rather, her fiance had known "Little E," and according to Emily, "he would have approved" of their relationship. 

So in summary, Arie's concern that Emily may not be ready to date another racecar driver after her fiance's death probably isn't as big of an issue as he might have initially thought.

Jef - Jef is a skate punk/entrepreneur from Salt Lake City, and like all skate punks, he felt compelled to change the conventional spelling of his name, because it's like, more Anarchistic and stuff.

Jef claims to be a philanthropist because because his bottled water company donates a portion of their sales to drilling wells in underdeveloped nations.

Of course, that's really just the "Tom's Shoes scam," where the company charges you double what you would ordinarily pay for a crappy pair of shoes under the guise that they will donate a second pair to a child living in poverty in a third world nation, essentially baiting you into buying two pairs of crappy shoes from them that you never would have bought in the first place had the criteria you were looking for been just good old comfort and style.

Doug - One of at least three fathers to make the show, Doug won "the single dad lottery" by capitalizing on that fact with Emily first by having forced his son to write her a letter saying what an awesome dad he was.

Of course Emily totally bought into that letter even though it was about as impartial as one of the positive reviews that owners write about their own crappy restaurants on Yelp or Urbanspoon. But it did earn him the First Impression Rose, so I digress.

Stevie - Stevie is a white wanna be D.J. from New Jersey. Let's just say that when your best case scenario career goal is to become one of the wing-men on "The Pauly D Project," it might be time to consider going back to school and getting your GED.

Chris - Every year a handful of contestants feel compelled to bring the Bachelor/Bachelorette crazy gifts to stand out from the pack and be memorable. Chris was this year's winner, having brought Emily custom made bobblehead dolls of the two of them.

There's no telling how many times he stayed up at night before he went on the show pretending to be in the Fantasy Suite while having Emily's bobblehead go down on his doll, or worse yet, on his actual crotch.

Alessandro - Alessandro, from Brazil, whispered something romantic to Emily in his native tongue. Being the courteous Southern Belle she's being made out to be by ABC, Emily responded by saying "gracias," which would have been sweet of her had people in Brazil spoke Spanish instead of Portuguese.

And remember, Emily's not a "Southern Belle." She's originally from West Virginia, not the great state of "Carolina." That's the same state where I once asked the girl behind a deli counter for a quarter pound of cheese, only to have her look back at me with a puzzled look and ask if a quarter pound was "more or less than a half pound." I'm starting to think that the girl behind the counter that day might have been Emily.

Kalon - Clearly brought on the show to be this season's villain, Kalon is a self described ex-womanizer and business man. While all of the other contestants arrived at the Bachelorette mansion via limousine, Kalon arrived in the most luxurious way humanly possible, via the "Batch-copter," earning him the nickname "Helicopter Guy."

Not only was Kalon immediately resented by the other contestants for his not so really over the top entrance, he didn't help matters when he arrogantly entered the room and said, "I saw you (guys) from above, it looked like you were having a little party. Where's the bar?"

BTW, here's Kalon's email address and phone number that I pulled from his blog: (713) 302-6824.

Roses To:

Notable contestants who did not make it past the first Rose Ceremony included Brent, the single dad with six kids. "I didn't think I would find love again, and there's still a chance that I might not at my age with six kids...Not a high probability I would say."

Personally, I found it kind of cruel that the Bachelorette producers even casted Brent as a contestant to begin with.

You can't take a 41-year-old single dad with six kids and put him in front of a beautiful woman with an open bar without some sort of check to let him know it wasn't reality...That's why God made $2 bills, stab wounds and C-section scars. Even the token black guy was more likely to get a Rose than poor Brent was, and that's saying a lot considering the Bachelorette is a redneck NASCAR groupie from West Virginia.

* In a side note, Emily did not give a rose to the token black guy either.

Also sent packing was Jackson, a fitness model from Illinois, who let Emily know what she was missing as he exited the house. "I think she's missing out on a great body too...She didn't get to see any of the goods, I guess this is what she missed out on (as he pulled off his shirt to show his abs)."

Actually Jackson, it wasn't Emily's loss, it was all of America's loss...Dick

Monday, May 14, 2012

Blogging Survivor: One World - "Maybe that was like God's way of opening my eyes and show me what a little bitch I am"

While we were left with an all female final five for the first time in Survivor history, all of the interesting personalities had already been eliminated from the game. And when I say "interesting personalities," I mean everyone except Leif.

When I heard that there was going to be the first "little person" on Survivor this season, I was hoping that he'd be some sort of genius or at least have midget super strength....Instead, we got Leif.

Alicia seemed to think the all women's final was her doing. "I never thought I'd be sitting here at the end, and I really have to say it's because I played one hell of a game."

The Immunity Challenge consisted of a race across a balance beam maze, running across a giant rope net to collect bags of puzzle pieces, and then solving that puzzle to receive clues to unlock a combination.

For some unknown reason, Alica began opening bags of puzzle pieces that were not hers, giving the other players an advantage while slowing her down at the same time. That allowed Kim to win Immunity and a guaranteed spot in the final four.

Kim wrestled with the choice of voting off Alicia as planned or blindsiding Chelsea. While she was one of the two targets, Alicia was in denial about her position in the game. "I definitely feel confident that Kim is 100% loyal to me...So I need to like not be paranoid, relax, and not over think stuff. I got this."

At the first Tribal Council of the night, Kim put herself in a position to be the deciding vote, with Chelsea and Sabrina committing to vote for Alicia, and Alicia and Christina having pledged to vote for Chelsea.

Ultimately, Kim remained loyal to her friendship with Chelsea and voted out the clearly weaker player in Alicia. While caught off guard, Alicia sent out a mixed bag in her exit interview.

"I am definitely not a sore loser. I'm proud of Kim, she fooled me completely. And Christina, I brought you...All those girls wanted you out from day one. So good job Christina, basque in it, because you suck right now," which sounds an awful lot like being a sore loser...but who's judging.

Chelsea began to lobby for her spot in the final three. "We know that Christina is definitely not well spoken, and if she has to sit in front of a jury and explain herself and how she played this game, it's going to be a joke."

So there you have it, Christina had her speaking ability criticized by someone who moments later actually uttered the phrase "dern chickens." 

The remaining contestants next took time to reflect on their fallen comrades, which also gave the eliminated a chance to comment on how good they thought they played the game.

Take Matt for instance, who was one of the least liked people to play the game of Survivor. He wasn't hated in a good way like Russell Hanz, who's heel personality was good for the game, Matt was just a stuck-up prick.

"A lot of people are going to say Matt didn't do too well. That's just not true, I played the best game out there. I don't think anybody still playing this game was playing a better game than me."

On other other hand, Colton reflected on his attitude in light of the bout of appendicitis that forced him out of the game. "Maybe that was like God's way of opening my eyes and showing me what a little bitch I am, and how spoiled I am."

Tarzan apparently thought the object of the game was to win his original tribe, and not the overall game. "I'm still an Alpha male, but I realized that a number of these girls had characterized their personalities in a masculine fashion, so I knew that the smart way to last with them was to be a bit more Beta....but smart enough to be the last man standing!"

Damn Tarzan...Apparently the game isn't the only thing that's "a foot."

The final Immunity Challenge involved manipulating 10 small bowls with tongs through a wire maze and then stacking them the fastest. Kim narrowly defeated Christina, guaranteeing her a spot in the finals.

Christina approached Kim after the challenge under the guise of lobbying for a spot in the finals, but ultimately just told Kim that she was okay if the plan was to vote her out, effectively giving up the way my dog did the time he fell in a river and he decided that he'd rather sink and die than try to swim and stay afloat.

Unfortunately for Christina, nobody was there to grab her collar and pull her to shore, as Kim even noted how she was surprised that Christina didn't even appear to fight for a a spot in the finals, and that she would have considered taking her over Sabrina.

At Tribal Council, Jeff asked Christina what her argument to stay in the game was. Instead of going with the logical thought that she's the best bet to go up against in the finals since she's not likely to get many jury votes, she argued that Sabrina was a weak player who did not deserve to have made it as far in the game as she did.

Meanwhile, as Sabrina responded Jeff's question about Christina laying down and dying, Kat was heard saying what a "great speaker" Sabrina was, with other members of the Jury nodding in agreement.

Apparently never having watched Survivor before becoming a contestant, Christina rhetorically asked, "What can I do to convince these girls to break a promise that they've already made since day one. It's not like I gave up...I mean how can I can I even convince these girls to make a switch."

Kim went on to say, "Christina's not a bad person to take to the final three potentially in that she has a lot of arguments that she could have made for herself today, but she didn't...You have to weigh out your options at the end, and things aren't always as clear as they seem."

In the end, Kim stayed true to her word yet again, and she voted with the remaining girls to eliminate Christina.

Kim, anticipating backlash from the jury for blindsiding so many former alliance members, jokingly rehearsed her speech for the jury vote. "I know I lied to you and voted you out, but I have no boobs left, so have a little mercy."

At the Final Tribal Council, Chelsea tried to convince the Jury that she was just as evil and cold hearted as Kim, which was a flat out stupid strategy since she should have played herself as a strong competitor who was "good-cop" to Kim's "bad-cop."

Sabrina talked about how she let Kim and Chelsea do the dirty work so she could preserve her social bonds, and then tried to get the sympathy vote by describing how she was laid off as an inner city school teacher just two weeks before coming on the show.

Kim emphasized her strategy as a means to and ends of winning the game, even if she was forced to stab a few people in the back along the way, essentially explaining herself, but not apologizing. Of all of the finalists, I'd have to rate Kim's speech as the best thought out and most effective.

Jonas began the Jury questions by pointing out how all of the guys on the Jury agreed that Chelsea was "the hottest chick on the season" before asking what her boldest move in the game was.

Apparently not wanting to receive any votes, Chelsea announced that it was her idea to vote out Kat, who had seemed more than eager to vote against Kim before that revelation.

Tarzan finally clarified why he blindly followed the women when he knew that he had little chance of making it to the end by thanking all three finalists for keeping him around long enough so his wife would have a chance to come meet him on the island, which really did appear to mean more to him than the $1,000,000 grand prize...Or even getting the shocks on his car fixed.

Leif proclaimed that he was still upset and trying to work out his feelings about getting voted out, because apparently he believed that he was in an alliance with Kim, Chelsea and Sabrina to go to the final four. Kim probably put it best when she told him that she voted him out because figured out he had mislead her on who he was going to vote for, and that he had even written her name down.

Nobody puts Leif in a box...Well, actually, somebody literally did put Leif in a box.

Alicia compared her game to Kim's, stating how she was a "kingpin," and that she had her own "pawns" in Christina and Tarzan. She then went as far as to say, "Homegirl, you know if I was sitting next to you, you'd be shitting bricks right now, because without you getting me out, I would have had more chances of winning that money than any of youz."

Kat revealed that as a child she underwent two open heart surgeries, and that she needs to undergo another surgery in a year to ensure that she doesn't get appendicitis. Kat also wins this year's award for being the girl that looks kind of cute, but not nearly as good on the show once she got voted out and cleaned herself up.

I'm a bigger fan of "dirty panty" Kat than I am of  cleaned up "Kat Gosselin."

Kim apparently won her enemies over, as she was voted the winner over Sabrina, who received two votes, and it was good to see that the most deserving player actually ended up winning.

At the Reunion Episode, Colton was asked to explain his behavior during the game. "I had two options, I could play the Southern Belle and the sweet little innocent gay kid from South Alabama, or I had to be a bitch with teeth."

I'm sure that trying to make a name for himself on television had nothing to do with the way Colton behaved. 

For some reason that clearly did not involve a shameless plug for a CBS, Miyam Bialik of the show Blossom made an appearance in the live audience to voice her support for Colton and saying that she'd love to see him play again.

Later it was announced that the next season would be Survivor: Philippines, with three former contestants who were forced out of the game due to medical conditions returning to compete again. They didn't actually announce who those three were going to be, but you can bet that one of them is going to be Colton.

Troy was asked by Jeff about the reaction he's received about his game. "It's been 99.9% positive. Everyone who's came up to me and said you've played the game the best I've ever seen. Some people were like comparing me to Richard Hatch and some of the best All-Stars of all time."

Apparently Troy's mom forgot to call in and vote, as the winner of the $100,000 for America's favorite player also went to Kim over the other finalists, Troy, Tarzan and Chelsea.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Blogging Survivor: One World - "I also put her panties on my head...I'm not afraid of those panties at all"

After Kat was eliminated, the latest member to join the "overinflated sense of their own game club" was Tarzan, who had designs on making it to the final three.

"If I were the girls I would have voted me out before Kat...I have a subplot where I might be able to raise myself (into) the top three. But of course, I wouldn't reveal any of that right now, I'm just hoping to make it to four."

So to recap, Tarzan acknowledges that he believes he's a target (even though his goal is only to make it to the final three), he gives us a teaser about how he has devised some type of a master plan to save himself, but he's not going to impliment that master plan for at least another week, well, "just because." Clearly, Tarzan's game is "afoot."

When Chelsea tried to persuade Christina to break away from what she perceived to be an alliance with Alicia and Tarzan, Christina immediately came back to camp and told the rest of the Tikiano Tribe about their conversation.

Whether Christina did so intentionally or just because she was excited that somebody actually talked to her instead of talking down to her, her lack of confidentiality immediately angered Chelsea and Kim.

The Reward Challenge consisted of dizzying oneself while spinning in circles to unscrew a series of discs, and then using those discs to decode a combination to a lock the fastest. The prize for winning was an overnight stay on a luxary yacht.

Chelsea ended up opening her combination first, and elected to take Sabrina with her even though she had originally promised to take Christina had she won.

When given an opportunity to take one more person, Chelsea chose to take Kim, seemingly dividing the remaining contestants three against three, as Alicia and Christina discussed the prospect of adding Tarzan as their third vote and targeting Chelsea for elimination.

Of course, shortly after Tarzan was seeminly given newfound life in the game, he snapped at Alicia when she offered to help him prepare "coconut stew" for breakfast. "No! I'm going to cook it this morning the way I want to, okay? So don't moan to me about it."

While Tarzan may not have come across as the intellectual he hoped to be portrayed as during his run on on Survivor, he'll be happy to know that he made medical history when he was able to synchronize his menstral cycle with the rest of the Tikiano women.

Upon returning to camp, Kim convinced Alicia that Tarzan was playing both sides by pointing out how he had made similar promises to the both of them about how he would help convince the jury to vote in each of their favor should they bring him to the the final four.

Alicia bought into Kim's efforts to persuade her hook, line, and sinker. "Tarzan wants to take Kim out and then...take me out, and make me look like the fool. Hell no! HELL TO THE NA!...If I didn't realize this, I would have got straight up 'Tarzaned.' I would look like an idiot in front of everybody."

Alicia continued to go off. "I am the queen of the social game!...No one runs their game on me. That's the ghetto Puerto Rican that's coming out...You don't try to make make me look like a fool, trying to take me out at the end. I am the most powerful player, and I'm going to remain the most powerful player!"

Who knew that Alicia Rosa was also an aspiring actress? I'm sure her "strong social game" helped her land the part!

The Immunity Challenge consisted of using large fish hooks to pick-up bags of puzzle pieces, and then completing that puzzle. In a close contest, Alicia barely won immunity over Kim.

Commenting on the Immunity Necklace Alicia said, "If I was back home, I'd be with my girls saying, 'look at me now.'"

Alicia has so much fun hanging with "her girls" back home, like the time they all decided to dress up as the Kardashian sisters for Halloween, although they all argued over who had to be the fat one.

With the power to control this week's vote in her hands, Alicia struggled with whether or not to vote off Chelsea after Kim had convinced her that Tarzan was playing both sides and secretly plotting against them.

On the other hand, Tarzan tried to persuade Alicia to go the other way and vote out Chelsea. He reasoned, "Kim, with her angelic eyes actually fooled Troy-zan and Jay-bird, so God knows she could probably fool Alicia." Granted, Leif probably could have fooled Alicia, but Tarzan's point was well taken.

At Tribal Council Jeff Probst asked Tarzan if he was misunderstood given his own perceived intelligence level. "I would say that's true...Today I wore something that they're all worried about microbes, and they have no idea what I know about that. That's why I wasn't worried."

Jeff followed up by asking, "Wait, what did you wear, and who's microbes?" That caused Alicia to reply, "He's wearing Kat's tank" before Tarzan then interjected, "I also put her panties on my head...just for a joke. I'm not afraid of those panties at all."

Talk about getting blind-sided. If Kat was sent home last week, why were her panties still at camp when the Tikiano Tribe returned, and what exactly was she wearing for underwear at Tribal Council?

All the inferences that her panties were somehow disease ridden appeared to get to Kat, as the cameras seeminly showed her shedding a tear. She later mouth the word "bitches" when reflecting on her former female alliance members while watching Tribal Council with the jury.

Having obviously been played by Kim, Alicia cast her vote for Tarzan, not realizing that she was sending her last hope, as well as the last remaining member of the men's tribe to the jury as we head into next week's season's finale, pretty much giving Kim the power to decide to take whoever she wants with her to the jury vote.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Blogging Survivor: One World - "I'll just eat my cake, get drunk, and I'll go back to the tribe and deal with them later"

As Troy left after being evicted at last week's tribal council, he reached over and grabbed Kat to say "Do it" before leaving, encouraging her to flip on her alliance.

That caused Kat to exclaim, "Did you hear what he told me when he knocked on my shoulder...I don't know, I guess he was giving me encouragement."

Poor Troy, it's kind of like giving your last dying word to someone who can't speak...or worse yet, a 22-year-old blond girl.

On the plus side for Christina, the girls started thinking that she was viewed as being so stupid, that it would be beneficial to their game to keep her around in the long run over Sabrina, who was more influential when speaking.

Of course Alicia proclaimed, "People have said...that I'm at the bottom. Little do they know, I'm at the top controlling everything. I'm the most powerful player in this game." Sure thing Alicia, now replace "most powerful" with "fattest," and we have ourselves a deal.

The Reward Challenge involved family members and loved ones of competitors who had come to the island for the challenge. Of note, we learned that Kat is fucking her cousin:

Even I think this is a little too friendly for cousins, and I live in Kentucky...although it's still kind of hot.

Literally, Kat walked like a dog and barked as she went to meet her cousin. 

On the other hand, Tarzan apparently married Barbara Eden of I dream of Jeanie.

...only after she got old.  

The Challenge itself consisted of a rope maze that the contestants had to navigate while tied to their loved one. Kat and her cousin/lover ended up winning an afternoon BBQ party away from camp.

Allowed to pick two others to join her, Kat chose Kim and Alicia, who did not have the emotional connections with their loved ones that Tarzan and Christina (who'd dad apparently only has a few years to live) did.

Kat seemed to hold no regrets about her decision. "I'll just eat my cake, get drunk, and I'll go back to the tribe and deal with them later."

Presented with the idea of potentially voting Kat out (instead of being on the block himself), Tarzan dropped the ball. "Well, if that were the case, that would be an error, because Kat is not a thinker."

Like my daddy used to like to say, "Even if you're right, you're wrong." and Tarzan needed to shut the fuck up and be happy they weren't talking about voting him out.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of standing on a ledge while holding onto a rope and leaning over the water the longest without falling in.

Christina made it to the final three, but dropped out leaving Kat and Kim as the final two, with Kim winning Immunity for the second time in a row.

Kat didn't take losing well. Not only did she refuse to give Kim a high five immediately afterwards, but she continued to harbor sour grapes like a 2nd grader who lost to a first grader in a playground game.

"To lose to someone who's 28-years-old, who'd 6-years older than me, how embarrassing is that?"

Alicia lobbied to vote Kat out over Sabrina, but Kim wasn't having it. On the other hand, Chelsea wanted to remain loyal to Sabrina.

At Tribal Council, Jeff asked Kat what it was like to win reward and have other players upset with her for choosing other players and their loved ones along with her. Kat's response was that, "It's very frustrating and it hurts my feelings."

After an amazed Jeff Probst asked, "It hurt your feelings," the tribe turned on Kat, especially for her decision to bring Kim and Alicia along for reward with her instead of Christina and Tarzan given the bond they had with their loved ones.

After Kat claimed to be a naive 22-year-old, Chelsea called her out. "That's her way out every time she screws up...she says, 'yeah, I'm 22, get off my back.' It's like it always comes down to her age. 22 is not that young."

That caused Kat to get defensive. "So is this whole Tribal Council about me? Like, I had no idea this is what was going to happen."

On the other hand, Tarzan chalked Kat's decision upon on her age, and said it didn't bother him at all.

When Sabrina brought up how Kat snubbed Kim's high-five after the Immunity Challenge, Kat snarked, "Fuck you, what is this?"

Apparently not catching on to anything that was going on at Tribal Council, Kat declared, "If it is going to be a blindside, it's going to be pretty funny and pretty, like, exciting."

When Jeff asked her why, she replied, "I don't know. Because blindsides are always fun and exciting...I always get excited when something like that goes down."

Kat cast her vote for Sabrina, thinking that was the plan. However, she was the one blindsided, but not quite in the same way she enjoys getting blindsided by her cousin.

As Kat left the game in tears she blubbered, "I left before Christina and, like, Tarzan. I'm going to go down the most naive person in the whole game.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Blogging Survivor: One World - "Christina's I.Q. is probably a zero. I don't know if that even exists, I mean, I'm a special ed teacher"

Realizing that the remaining two guys had little chance of defeating the remaining five women, Tarzan began to re-evaluate his strategy, and by re-evaluate, I mean he continued to play the game as he had been all along.

"If I was trying to play the odds in my favor, the smartest things to do is to go with what the girls want me to do rather than risk being exposed as a person on Troy-zan's side. "

Of course, the better odds to actually win the game and not just prolong an inevitable elimation would be to go along on a power move to flip the bottom two members of the girls alliance and change the game, but apparently that's no longer allowed in Survivor.

The Reward Challenge consisted of attempting to answer questions as the majority of the remaining Tikiano tribemates said as a whole. That gave the competitors insight as to how they were perceived by the group collectively, thereby allowing them to reflect, and perhaps change up their game.

For example, Christina learned that she was deemed least deserving of remaining in the game by her own alliance, which caused her alter her game strategy the rest of the episode by sucking up to the remaining women even more...Okay, bad example.

Correct answers allowed the competitors to cast a chop to a doll symbolizing one of their competitors, with three chops sending the doll into a fire and eliminating that player from the challenge.

When Troy was the first to go, Tarzan pontificated, "And he's become the molecular substrate of this island, so he does deserve to be here," causing Jeff Probst to comment sarcastically, "I was just about to say that."

Kat was unanimously voted (not counting her own vote) as the player most in need of a wake-up call in life, which was just a nice way of calling her stupid. Of course, Kat didn't quite seem to get the significance of the question.

At least she looks good in a bikini.

Kim ended up winning reward, which consisted of a ride in the helicopter from the Bachelor and a one-on-one picnic date on a mountain top, I mean a beach, and while there was no date, Kim did get to bring two people with her. Of course, that caused Kat to lose her shit when she selected Chelsea and Alicia over her.

Troy saw Kat's reaction as an opportunity to push some buttons, and he made a point to wonder aloud whether or not Kim's decision was a reflection of the pecking order in the womens' alliance.

Troy continued to work that angle while Kim, Alicia and Chelsea went on their reward, proposing that Kat, Christina and Sabrina join up with him. However, Sabrina remained loyal, and tricked Christina into revealing to her that she was considering going alonng with Troy.

Kat ultimately became so upset that she might be at the bottom of her alliance that she began crying, but then she talked to Kim and literally started digging a hole with her hindlegs, so I think she was happy again.

As the Tikiano tribe was sitting around camp, a "wild' pig happened to wander up, causing everyone to try and capture it. However, it was pretty clear nobody wanted to actually kill it with the makeshift clubs they grabbed, causing redneck Chelsea to say, "y'all are just giant yankee pussies."

Okay, Chelsea didn't really say that, but I'm sure she was thinking it.  

The Immunity Challenge consisted of a series of one-on-one challenges to race across a slip-n'-slide and toss rings on a pole. Tarzan elimated Troy-zan, which allowed the women to remain in control of the game when Kim won Immunity.

Worried that Troy might have an Immunity Idol, the girls lead by Kim decided to split their vote. Of course, when  Sabrina told Christina that they'd be sending a couple votes her way she didn't even question it, even though it would have likely meant she was going to go home if Troy did end up playing an Idol.

Alicia, being the top notch special education teacher she is, commented, "Christina's I.Q. is probably a zero, I don't know if that even exists. I mean, I'm a special ed teacher, so I handle Christina as one of my students."

What Alicia meant to say is that she used to be a special education teacher, as she's not likely to have a job after those comments.

And BTW, I find it hilarious that Alicia would criticize someone's I.Q., not even knowing what the proper scale is, especially when knowing that information would seem to be such an essential element of her job.

Alicia Rosa's I.Q. is fat and stupid.

At Tribal Council, Chelsea pretty much told Christina that the top three in the women's alliance had been determined on day 1, although Christina discounted that statement by stating how things could change.

When Jeff asked her why she's here, Christina's response was, "Because I'm one lucky girl." On the other hand, Kat stated how she did not want to go down in the game known as just a follower.

However, when the vote came in, Troy could not convince the women in the bottom of the girls' alliance to go along with his plan, and he was voted out.

True to his over-inflated sense of his own worth, Troy left the game by saying, "Fans out there I know are going to love my game, and hopefully they're going to appreciate it." Yes, because America does appreciate stupid...Just ask Alicia.