Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "I'm wearing glasses and no makeup, I'm not wearing a bra"

This week's episode of The Bachelor began with Pablo's daughter seemingly declaring on national TV that she didn't want chicken by saying, "No quiero pollo!"

However, what little Camilla was really trying to say that she "didn't want any gays," but her words got misconstrued due to the "language barrier."

The first 1-on-1 date of the week went to Cassandra, whom Juan Pablo took boating in some sort of James Bond inspired amphibious car, or as Cassandra said, "It kind of reminds me of a Jeep!"

Cassandra then proceeded to repeatedly tell Juan Pablo and the cameras how that her last "last first date was three years ago (when she was 18)."

The part she left out was that it was with NBA player Rodney Stuckey, and that it only took that one date for her to get pregnant.

Rodney Stuckey, Cassandra Ferguson, and their baby, "Gollum."

So when Cassandra showed Juan Pablo pictures of her son Tre, his only response was, "He's big," which was his way of saying, "Holy focking sheet, I didn't realize you managed to get knocked up by an NBA player at the age of 18."

Cassandra also revealed that "the last time that a guy cooked for me, was never," and that the last time a guy went down on her was...Well, lets just say that it was longer than three years ago.

However, instead of jumping in the water and swimming for shore, Juan Pablo for some reason gave Cassandra a rose.

That caused her to say (all in chorus now), "The last time I felt this way about a guy was three years ago."

The Group Date theme was announced as, "Let's kick it," which not so surprisingly turned out to be a soccer date.

And when the girls arrived at the stadium, they found Juan Pablo practicing with the L.A. Galaxy, because he needed a warm-up for playing soccer with girls.

Upon seeing him, Renee exclaimed, "Juan Pablo looks awesome! He's all sweaty, and he's doing what he loves!" Sadly, nobody ever says the same thing about adult film stars...Like Elise Mosca.

Kelly Travis complained about the theme of the date saying, "Do I look athletic at all?" Luckily for her, it was just soccer and not a real sport, like tennis.

For some reason Lucy didn't take the opportunity to rip her shirt off, even though soccer is the one medium outside of strip clubs and NASCAR infields where it acceptable for women to run around topless.

At the post date Cocktail Party, Sharleen, who was lukewarm at best to Juan Pablo when he offered her the First Impression Rose during week one, aggressively tongue kissed him to the extent that he had to tell her, "That's enough."
Worse yet, she did it in view of the other girls, which as you can guess, went over splendidly. That caused Andi to say in disappointment, "I just made out with him, I figured the rose was mine."

In actuality, the Group Date Rose went to Nikki, who wasn't even expecting to get it, nor was anybody else. 

The second 1-on-1 date of the week went to Chelsie, a "science educator" from Ohio, which in that state means that she probably teaches creationism at a Christian school just outside of Columbus.

That caused Elise to freak the fuck out. "I don't know if she's ready to be a step-mom. She seems like a baby to me (and) I don't know if having another daughter is what he wants."

Chelsie was visibly nervous to go out with Juan Pablo, apparently she hadn't been on a first date since she went out with Cassandra three years ago.

Juan Pablo took Chelsie out for Venezuelan food and a tandem bungee jump, which probably was the the wrong sequence to schedule those events.

In fact, if Juan Pablo was expecting a romantic evening, he probably should have skipped the Venezuelan food altogether.

Never mind.

After much delay and an anxiety attack, Chelsie finally tandem bungee jumped off of a tall bridge with Juan Pablo.

"I fucking jumped off a bridge! "I never had a first kiss hanging upside down off a bridge. That's about as epic as a first kiss gets."

In addition to her first kiss, Chelsie also got a rose and song from the new Bachelor house band, Maroon 5, who announced a new tour where they will be playing each and every 1-on-1 Date.

Unbeknownst to the other girls, Juan Pablo snuck into the Mansion to cook breakfast for all of them. Of course, his ulterior motive was to catch all of them at a time when they were not necessarily looking their best.

Kelly was the first to realize that Juan Pablo was downstairs in the kitchen cooking when she got up early to walk her dog, Molly...Which for some reason she was allowed to bring with her on the show.

Sure enough, Kelly quickly scrambled upstairs covering her unmade pug like nose saying, "My grandmother said never let a man see you without your face on."

But then Kelly said, "I'm wearing glasses and no makeup, I'm not wearing a bra," which actually turned me on just a little bit...At least until I realized that she was still Kelly Travis.

Kelly Travis tragically had the end of her nose severed during rough sex, kind of like the girl in Silence of the Lambs, only she was trying to do it with a German shepherd, not a serial killer.

Unlike Kelly, Clare managed to catch Juan Pablo's eye even in a natural state. That caused him to say in his best Hispanic accent, "Clare look really good in p-yamas."

What began as breakfast, turned into a bikini pool party.

That turned Kelly into the girl who pooped in everyone's Easter basket, saying about Sharleen, "You can be a little bit more considerate, because there are fourteen other girls and you look like a whore."

And when Nikki procured Juan Pablo as a partner for a game of chicken Kelly complained, "Juan Pablo's head was in her crotch for like twenty minutes."

Of course, as the girl who was clearly sexually abused as a child and now takes dogs just a little too seriously, Kelly was just pissed off that somebody else got to sniff the first crotch of the season.

For some reason I'm thinking that Kelly Travis is still going to be looking for a "forever home" after Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor is over.

After acting like an ice princess in week one, and then a desperate fame seeking whore this week, Sharleen seemed to have a mini-melt down.

"When you have to make a spectacle of yourself to be noticed, that's just not how I would be like in the real world."

That caused Juan Pablo to hug her, and Sharleen to break down crying in a touching moment of knowing where the camera was.

In the end, Lucy Aragon and her boobs were too much, or possibly too little for Juan Pablo to take, and he sent her home without a rose.

Likewise, he also sent some girl named Christy home, who was probably the least memorable girl this side of Lauren S.

But don't worry about Lucy, she landed on her feet. The free spirited hippie was also so selfless that she compromised her anti-corporation beliefs purely in the name of true love when she began dating Evan Spiegel, the CEO of Snapshot after the show aired.

Lucy Aragon probably wasn't step-mom material for Juan Pablo's little girl, but she does make for a nice little sex toy for Snapshot's CEO.

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