Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "I get to give her her own personal spa day."

This week's episode began with Jon and Jaclyn shocked after Natalie changed her vote at Tribal Council to take out Alec instead of Keith as they all had planned.

To cover for herself, Natalie lied to her alliance and said that she thought they told her to split her vote for Alec instead of Keith, and blamed it all on a misunderstanding.

The Reward Challenge saw the competitors compete for a day at the spa by dividing into two teams and racing through a maze while belted together, filling a bucket of water to lower a gate, and then solving a puzzle.

Mistaking the first obstacle for a single man with a history of domestic abuse, Missy fell into it face first.

And while Missy, Keith and Jon won day spa reward in a a very close match, Jon threw everyone off when he asked, "Did I say I was going to go?

And when I said everyone, I meant his girlfriend Jaclyn, who was none too pleased when Jon announced that he was giving his reward up to Baylor under he rationale that she needed a mother-daughter experience with Missy.

I'm not saying that Jaclyn Schultz is high maintenance...but she is. 

Meanwhile, Natalie agreed to go to Exile Island, leaving Jon and Jaclyn all alone to fight at camp, almost as if they were still back home in Michigan.

Realizing that Jaclyn was pissed, Jon tried to make blow jobs out lemons of by saying, "I get to give her her own personal spa day," which is usually only the case when your girlfriend isn't pissed at you...and you bought her some really expensive jewelry.

While she was at the Spa, Missy's ankle began to swell up, which was odd considering that she hit her head during the Reward Challenge, but we'll just blame that confusion on a concussion.

The Immunity Challenge began with Natalie returning from Exile Island exhausted and crying, Missy struggling with her painful ankle and crying, and Jaclyn crying just because she's Jaclyn.

Jeff Probst decided to have medical take a look at Missy's ankle before the challenge. Unfortunately, the Survivor medical staff consists of little more than witch doctors and chiropractors, so there was little that they could come up with aside from a sprained ankle and a misaligned spine.

And while that diagnosis allowed Missy to stay in the game, everyone began crying...Mainly because that diagnosis allowed Missy to stay in the game.

The Immunity Challenge itself had the players stand on pegs while reaching up with town hands and using a rope to balance a vase and keeping it from falling.

Jon ended up losing to Natalie in the finals, giving her both Immunity and a guaranteed spot in the final five.

And while Jon thought he was safe despite Natalie's win, her secret plan was to blindside him. However, Missy was reluctant to go along with Natalie, as she didn't want to betray Jon or Jaclyn.

Tribal Council began with Keith lobbying the Alliance of Five to split up before Jeff Probst could even ask anyone a question, as he said, "I'm trying" in response to Jeff Probst's inquiry about shaking up the game.

Unfortunately, Jaclyn jinxed everything for Jon when she said, "All I can say is that I feel strong in the five, so I don't think Jon and I are going anywhere," as the Jury and Baylor looked on in amazement at her stupidity.

Every guy has to pay a price for having a hot girlfriend, and he price Jon Misch had to pay was not winning Survivor...But hey, what girl isn't worth a million dollars? 

Equally naive, Jon even admitted out loud that he'd been thinking about his final two speech quite a bit.

Sure enough, Jon decided not to play his Hidden Immunity Idol, and the vote ended up tied at two between Keith, Jon and Jaclyn.

That was all Jon needed to see to know that he was fucked, and was eliminated on the re-vote.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "Did you just call her a brat? That's my kid!"

This week's episode began with Reed scrambling after Keith inadvertently outed his plan to blindside Jon at Tribal Council by blurting out to him, "Stick to the plan."

Jon, on the other hand patted himself on the back and proclaimed, "That was the best blindside sniff out, ever!"

For a backup linebacker, Jon Misch is starting to get just a little too full of himself. 

However, Natalie and Jaclyn were not as impressed.

Natalie was pissed that Jon overlooked the fact that she was the one who told him to play his Idol at Tribal Council even though he didn't think he needed to.

Jaclyn, on the other hand, seemed pissed that Jon assumed that he would make the finals over her.

The Reward Challenge involved a series of questions about the competitors, with each contestant who correctly answered a question getting to chop one of three ropes of a fellow competitor to drop a stump on their skull and end their game.

With the winner getting a horseback ride, BBQ and brownies, it also served to show the pecking order not only among the competitors in general, but within their alliances as well.

Reed's skull was crushed first, and Keith, who also went early, said to Reed, "It shows you where we stand."

With Jon, Jaclyn, Natalie, Missy and Baylor all discussing who to cut next, Jeff told them to cut the BS and just pick who they wanted to win.

To make things easy, or boring if you were actually watching on television, they all just quit playing and agreed on Missy as the winner. Jon even volunteered to go to Exile Island, and Missy chose Baylor to go with her on the reward.

With Jaclyn left out of the reward Reed said, "We like her a lot," trying to sway her over to his alliance.  

Bu when Baylor stood up for her mom by snapping, "You like everybody Reed," Reed took things a little too far when he said, "I'm a people person Baylor, you're a brat."

That set off Missy's "Momma bear instinct," which was surprisingly absent when she married several abusive step fathers, as she replied, "Excuse me!? Did you just call her a brat? That's my kid!"

Missy then scolded Reed by saying, "Why don't you listen for once, shut your mouth," before adding, "Forget it, it's not worth it. He can't listen."

With her boyfriend Jon at Exile Island, Jaclyn spent her alone time back at camp time flirting with Alec. Meanwhile, an exhausted Jon found the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Of course, denied any impure intentions towards his buddy Jon's girlfriend...Well, kind of.

"There's like no girl I'd take on a date on Survivor, you know what I'm saying? Unless you're going to go on a date with me."

Alec went on to add, "Jaclyn is a cool chick. I like Jaclyn a lot. It's just kind of like cream cheese. You know you can't hurt many things with putting cream cheese on it."

Not every girl will let you put your cream cheese on her, but Jaclyn Schultz didn't seem to rule it out with Alec. 

However, Jaclyn was still pissed she didn't get to go on the reward, and she was egged on by Reed, Alec and Keith around camp, who all gave her an extra large bowl of rice just to kiss her ass.

The Immunity Challenge had the competitors one by one try to roll balls onto a paddle and simultaneously balance six of them at one time, with Keith winning in the end.

After returning from Exile exhausted, Jon understandably just wanted to see his girlfriend naked. Unfortunately, like most girls, Jaclyn just wanted to talk, so the two began to argue.

Trying to reach a deal to stay in the game, Keith approached Jon and Jaclyn with a proposed final three deal.

However, Jon was non-receptive and arrogantly scolded Keith by saying, "Nobody's willing to go to the final three with me, don't give me that B.S!"

That caused Jon's girlfriend, Jaclyn, to console Keith by saying, "I just got yelled at too."

However, when Natalie walked up, Jon surprisingly began winking at Keith...He also secretly indicated that he'd be willing to work with him.

For her own selfish reasons, Jaclyn went into full diva mode and stopped talking to her boyfriend Jon heading into Tribal Council, mainly because he had talked to Missy instead of her after SHE had stopped talking to him...Also, did I mention that Missy is like 60?

This is actually on e of those rare situations where someone like Jon Misch could actually do a lot better than Jaclyn Schultz. 

Jaclyn's tantrum freaked Reed the fuck out since his game depended on Jon and herself making a decision to flip and join him.

And while Jon was understandably freaked out about Jaclyn's refusal to talk to him, he was even more concerned about who she was actually talking to.

"My big problem is that we have a Tribal Council tonight and that my girlfriend is not on the same page as I am, and that refused to talk to me. Not a good time for that...That could be my only time to talk before Tribal, and Jaclyn is over there flirting with Alec."

At Tribal Council, Missy accused Alec of flirting with Jaclyn.

That caused Jon to slyly ask, "Jaclyn, would you agree with that?"

And after she just smiled and said, "I mean, I don't know," Jaclyn went on to admit that she was all butt hurt by not getting chosen by Missy to go along for the reward.

With that, Jaclyn ultimately stuck with the plan, and Reed was voted out, and Jon and Jaclyn made up after Tribal Council.

After Tribal Council, in what turned out to be a double episode, Alec was rightfully worried.

"Tribal got kind of heated tonight. Everyone thinks I'm a pig, flirt, but that is a sick joke. If I wanted to flirt with any of these girls here, I would, but I would never do that."

The week's second Reward Challenge had the players reach overhead to pin a ball against a post with a wooden spool while balancing on one foot.

Natalie kept her ball up the longest, and won reward, consisting of an overnight stay in a nice bed and room service in the form of chicken Parmesan and wine...all while at camp, and in front of everyone else.

While Natalie elected to take Jaclyn and Jon along with her, her true intention was to make Jon feel safe so she could blindside him.

Natalie didn't seem to like Jaclyn much either saying, "She's such a little punk."

At camp Natalie and Baylor wanted to blindside Jon.

Keith also wanted to target Jon and Jaclyn for his pet peeve, people who sleep to much, and I'm guessing the fact that they got to spend the entire day in a king sized bed at camp in front of him was just too much for him to take.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to use a rope to balance blocks that they set up on a table without knocking any over as they walked back and forth from that table to find more blocks to stack.

Jon won Immunity, which freed him up to give his Idol to Jaclyn, which was good for him since he picked up on what he called a "negative vibe" from his alliance around camp.

With Jon having won Immunity, Natalie and Baylor scrambled for a contingency plan, as they had planned on blindsiding their alliance member.

Natalie peed in Baylor's cornflakes by saying that she wanted to target Alec, with whom Baylor had flirted in what they described as a "Brother-Sister" relationship...if only the brother and sister each secretly wanted to do each other.

Baylor Wilson: Family reunions are so much better in the South.

However, Natalie peed in Baylor's cornflakes when she told her that she wanted to vote out Alec.

At Tribal Council, a rat scurried across the set, causing Natalie to scream and Alec to declare that he was hungry enough to eat it.

Alec may have got his wish, because in the end he was voted out. That left Jon and Missy looking shocked, not realizing that Natalie and Baylor had organized a shocking blindside of the second weakest player in the game.

But don't worry about Alec, as he left saying, "I didn't win, but at least I beat Drew," in reference to his brother having left earlier than he did, which was really the only thing he cared about...That is, aside from Jaclyn.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "I ate 58 chicken nuggets in five minutes in an eatin' contest once"

This week's episode began with Keith trying to convince Reed to join up with his alliance.

Keith "Reed's a gamer. He plays and he knows how to talk to folks and figure stuff out...Mathematic numbers and all that mess, which is way above me."

To be fair, most country music lyrics are way above Keith Nale

The Reward Challenge saw the tribe divide into two teams, swim out to a platform, dive back into the water to collect puzzle pieces, and then put that puzzle together as a team the fastest.

Jon, Jaclyn, Reed and Alec all won the reward, which allowed them to take baseball supplies to Nicaraguan children and get to eat their fill of baseball themed food.

Missy either really wanted to shove her mouth full of wieners or participate in the "do good" part of the reward, so Reed politely gave up his reward to her.

However, Reed had ulterior motives, as he really just wanted some time alone with Keith, but only in a semi-sexual way.

Reed actually just wanted to work the crowd against Jon while he, Jaclyn and Missy were away, but the sex with Reed was so good that he just couldn't pass it up.

In a not so generous display, the winners sent Wes to Exile Island under the guise that he could "look for the Idol."

Unbeknownst to Wes, Exile Island was as barren as Jaclyn when it came to Idols, who had acknowledged that she was born with a medical condition that left her unable to have baby with Jon, and possibly not any other white guys.

Baylor and Natalie used the clue that they found in Keith's sack to look for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Sure enough, Natalie found it, and in her new found confidence began to target Reed for eviction.

At the Immunity Challenge, the contestants had to hold themselves up with just their heels on a handle and their hands above their head without falling off.

For some reason, Baylor Wilson's pose for the competition kind of got me excited. 

Jeff also tempted the contestants with food to get them to voluntarily drop out.

For some reason Missy was way too happy to drop out of the competition without even soliciting a food reward, and when she talked out loud about walking in the sand as her reward her daughter Baylor scolded, "Mom, shut your mouth, OMG!"

A man after my own heart, Wes elected to drop out of the Immunity Challenge for chicken wings and beers even though he was anything but safe heading into Tribal Council.

His dad Keith tried to explain his decision by saying, "Maybe a food weakness...I'm going to have a little father son after we're through with this."

In true Survivor cast fashion, it turned out that Wes was just trying to use the show to promote himself as a competitive eater as he declared, "I ate 58 chicken nuggets in five minutes in an eatin' contest once.

That caused Jeff Probst to gasp, "You ate how many whats and won what?"

And when Wes affirmed it was "58 chicken nuggets (and that he won) the chicken nugget eatin' contest," Jeff asked the only natural question, "Is that an annual event?"

Sadly, in the South a "chicken nugget eatin' contest is generally just considered "lunch." 

The final two competitors were Natalie and Reed. However, Natalie actually asked Jeff if he would give her pizza, chicken wings, water and beer in order to drop out.

By that point I didn't know what was more surprising...The fact that Jeff actually met her demands and brought all of those foods to her, or that a big girl like Natalie didn't ask for an additional side of beef and three bottles of ranch dressing.

While Natalie could barely even walk to get her prize, Reed celebrated by doing the splits and yelling,"Jeff, It's a dream come true!"

Reed Kelly on Survivor: Ta-Da bitches!

Feeling frisky, Reed wanted to target Jon for feeling too confident and stepping down early, and as it turned out, Reed, Keith, Alec and Wes all also wanted to vote him out.

At Tribal Council, most of the early talk centered around who had an Idol, as one had yet to be played all season.

However, when Reed began giving a spiel to "stick to the plan," Natalie picked up that something was wrong and mouthed to Jaclyn, "Do you trust him?"

And when Jaclyn replied, "No," Natalie  said to Keith, "We'll go with you guys."

But for some reason Keith said, "No," which left the players all scrambling to figure out what the fuck was going on even as the vote began.

With so much uncertainty in the air, Natalie told Jon just before the vote, "Dude, play your Idol."

That turned out to be great advice, as not only did Jon decide to play his Idol, but so did Keith.

And while Keith offered his Idol to his son Wes, he declined it.

Sure enough, the majority of the votes went Jon and Keith, which were all rendered void by their Idols. The only votes that counted went to Wes, who was voted out by default.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "It's a big rookie mistake. Don't leave something in your bag that you don't want people to find."

This week's episode began with with Jon trying to do damage control after being convinced by his girlfriend Jaclyn to vote Josh out.

Dale, who was either chewing dirt or somehow managed to sneak a month's supply of Skoal into the game, was plenty of pissed off about it.

He even went as far as to say that he'd consider trying to get people to vote for him just so he could play his Idol to try and screw Jon and Jaclyn over, which is the type of thing that happens when you put Southerners on Survivor.

The Reward Challenge divided the tribe into two teams that put their players up against each other in one on one wrestling matches to knock their opponent off of a balancing beam and into a mud pit.

Southern boy Wes started out against Reed, the gay dancer from New York City, who sent Wes face first into the mud.

However, Wes treated Reed like the woman he aspires to be in their rematch by slapping at him while he screamed in defeat, but refused to press charges...Just like any good Southern woman.

Speaking of good Southern Women, few people know that Baylor Wilson once dated Brandon Hantz. 

Ex-Michigan State football player Jon Misch destroyed Jeremy twice to tie the game at 4, with the winners needing 5 victories to win a boat cruise with unlimited sandwiches.

So far, the once undersized linebacker known as Jon "The Missile" Misch has destroyed bigger opponents Jeremy and John Rocker in head to head physical challenges. 
Baylor fought her mom for the second time this season in a challenge, and while Missy let Baylor win out of sympathy the first time, Baylor knocked her mom off with a clean.

With the match tied at four, the finals was a re-match between Missy and Baylor, with Baylor once again using her mom's instability to her advantage, with the only surprise being that the instability was physical, and not mental.

In a big surprise, Natalie volunteered to give her reward up to Jon, while Jeremy gave his reward up to Jaclyn, giving the swing vote power couple a reward together even though their team had lost.

Natalie explained her decision as being a show of respect, explaining how she was nervous at the last Tribal Council before Jon voted along with her.

As a "reward," the winners decided to send Jeremy to Exile Island so he could try to find the Idol that Jon already had.

Reed for one was not happy to have Jon and Jaclyn along on the reward cruise with the rest of the winners.

"It makes me want to hurl...I might stir up a little chaos in the game right now. It might be the last thing written on my coffin, but I'm willing to take that risk."

The Immunity Challenge required the players to untangle a rope, and then stack blocks in order to raise a flag...Using only their feet.

Baylor ended up winning over the next closest competitor, Reed, to protect herself and leave Reed as the most useless woman left in the game without some form of Immunity.

However, while fondling Keith's bag, Reed accidentally stumbled across his Immunity Idol clue.

That caused Reed to say, "It's a big rookie mistake. Don't leave something in your bag that you don't want people to find."

Reed Kelly actually wanted somebody to find that dollar. 

And while Reed tried to sell Keith out based upon what he found, not everyone was buying it.

Or as Baylor said, "Reed thinks Keith, of all people, has the Idol, which is baffling."

Meanwhile, Jeremy tried to sell Natalie on his belief that Jon had an Idol heading into Tribal Council.

At Tribal Council, Jaclyn and Jon called out Wes and Keith out for not talking to the females in the game, while still expecting to get their vote.

But in a blindside, Jeremy was the one who was voted out, as Jon, Jaclyn, Baylor and Missy all voted against their fellow alliance member.

Of course, by failing to clue Natalie in on their plan, Jon and Jaclyn may have opened her up to the prospect of jumping alliances and making it a 5-5 game instead of 6-4, so stay tuned.

Blogging Survivor: San Juan del Sur - "Why couldn't you just poop?"

This week's episode began with the Huyopa tribe pissed that Julie quit the game, mainly because both alliances wanted the pleasure of voting her selfish and racist ass out themselves.

I'm thinking that with a few "stars and bars," Julie McGee could be just as popular as her boyfriend John Rocker playing the role of  "Redneck Wonder Woman," who wears only body paint instead of a costume, of course. 

That left Jon and Jaclyn reconsidering whether they should blindside Jeremy instead of voting Josh out as they had planned before Julie left.

The Reward Challenge had the tribe divide into two teams, load puzzle pieces on a cart, and then use those pieces to build a pyramid to help hoist up a statue and raise a victory flag.

The winners, Keith, Jeremy, Wes, Reed and Natalie all ended up winning reward over the girls, and elected to send Jon to Exile Island.

With the reward being a taco bar, it sent the winners on a run to the border, or at least to a place in the woods.

However, it wasn't that easy for everybody, as Wes literally ate as many burritos and drank as many margaritas as he could until he he plugged his sewage line, so to speak.

And with Wes' gas getting worse and worse, the winners' reward seemed more like a punishment, or as Baylor asked, "Why couldn't you just poop?"

Jeremy admitted that he was no stranger to the gas working in a fire station, but took issue with Wes' flatulence from an etiquette standpoint. "As soon as a woman comes in the room you shut it down."

Wes Nale's gas...Well, so much for the myth of the "Southern Gentleman."

Back at camp, the losers dined on beach snails and coconut water, which is slightly less disgusting than the high end coconut water you can buy at stores for like $3 a carton to prevent hangovers.

Josh approached Baylor and told her that she "owed" him at least one vote for keeping her afloat earlier in the game, which Baylor wasn't having no matter how bitchy and gay Josh was.

Wes' dad, Keith, proved that the Southern Gentleman apple doesn't fall far from the trees at Toomer's Corner when he got fed up with what he perceived was Baylor being lazy.

"If you were my kid, you would have done got whooped about seven times by now."

Of course, he did nothing about his son turning San Juan del Sur into one of world's top CO2 emitters.

In all fairness to Keith, in the South men are raised to believe that women and African Americans should do all of the work, while white guys get to sit around listening to Alabama and dreaming about the good ole' days when they didn't have to work.

This couple represents to rise of the South during the Civil War, and then their disappointing surrender at Appomattox. 

With Jon away at Exile Island, Keith's reluctance to include any of the women in his strategy talk rubbed his girlfriend Jaclyn the wrong way, who still stood to be the co-swing vote along with Jon.

Of course, Jon found a clue to the hidden Immunity Idol at Exile Island, and sure enough he found it, giving Jaclyn and himself even more security.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to memorize a series of symbols that were flashed by Jeff Probst and then recite them back in the correct order.

Jeremy ended up defeating Josh for Individual Immunity, which likely kept him from getting blindsided.

Upon returning, Jon not only hugged Jaclyn, but he seductively whispered in her ear, "I have the Idol," which just made Reed jealous.

While Josh, Reed, Alec and Keith all wanted to target Baylor, Jaclyn lobbied Jon to turn on Josh since he and the other the guys ignored her while he was gone.

Meanwhile, Keith told Missy, Baylor's mom, that he wanted Baylor out of the game. Of course, when word got back to Baylor she said, "He's not very smart."

At Tribal Council, when Wes was asked if the alliances were known, he literally shot his wad.

"I think the alliances are known. Me Josh, Reed and Alec teamed up with dad, and I felt like it was known to people that we was working together type."

However, with the guys getting a bit overly confident, Jaclyn took a shit in their Easter basket and called them out for not respecting her.

That caused Missy to jump in and call out Wes and Alec. "They literally belch, fart, spit...They don't care if there's females there or not."

With his son on the spot, Keith jumped in to save what was left of his family's reputation.

"We're not at the Hilton Missy, and I haven't heard Wesley fart lately or spit...I've had a little bit of gas. I'm sure everybody on this panel has had gas...This is Survivor...You're going to get dirty, you're going to get nasty and have gas."

Once again, Keith Nale was there to save his son's redneck ass. 

As is always the case with pretty girls, Jaclyn got her way as she convinced Jon to vote Josh out, who went home over Baylor, 6-5.

That made Josh the first member of the Jury, and left his boyfriend Reed scrambling to figure out who the next most famous guy in the tribe was so he could try and hook up with him.