Monday, December 1, 2008

Trick or Treat

(Somali pirates attack the United Nation Anti-Pirate Headquarters on 10/31/08)

AP- Kenya

UN official Balthazar Dombrowski responded to questions about the October 31st pirate attack on the United Nations Anti-Pirating Headquarters. "Even though we are the world's foremost anti-pirating agency, the attack caught us off guard. Mainly because our headquarters are not at sea. We assumed that we were safe on land. In hindsight, that was an erroneous assumption on our part."

The attack was simple, yet clearly the work of criminal masterminds. The Somali based pirates waited until sundown before they began to assemble in small groups to avoid suspicion. Those small, yet efficient groups then began to approach buildings targeted because of the pirates' belief that they were being used to store valuable supplies.

"They must have had an inside source," said Dombrowski. "Nearly 99% of the buildings they targeted had re-stocked the supplies the pirates were after on or just before the date of the attacks."

When the pirates came in contact with unsuspecting UN officials, they demanded a ransom be paid in order to avoid terrorist acts. Dombrowski added, "It looked like they had rudimentary bombs made out of gourds. Those gourds were carved and painted with war symbols, so we knew they were serious. One of them even had a hook for a hand, no doubt because he was 'salty and mean.'"

As for the future? "We believe it will happen again," Dombrowski stated. "Our intelligence tells us that even if there are not more attacks this year, there will undoubtedly be another one next year."

For the now, the international community can only pray that the United Nation's Anti-Pirate Agency can come up with a plan to slow the pirates down. Splinter pirate cells using similar tactics were reported throughout the world on the night of October 31st.

The pirates are also targeting new and younger members over the internet, where chatter on websites such as indicates that the movement is quickly gaining momentum with children as well as adults.

The financial incentive is certainly there for all. While no lives were lost in the October 31st attacks, the pirates are believed to have added over 32,000,000 Snickers bars to their booty, loot that will undoubtedly be used to ramp up recruiting efforts and sustain future attacks.

When asked to comment, Pirate spokesperson "Albino-Beard" (below) replied only, "my daddy is the fastest driver!"

(Undated photo of Pirate Spokesperson, Albino-Beard, armed with hook-hand and gourd bomb.)

When asked what that could possibly mean, Dombrowski could only shake his head in disbelief as he stated, "obviously it's a secret message to other pirates around the world to coordinate their next attack."