Friday, February 14, 2014

The Bachelor Blog: "You threw shit at each other?"



This week Juan Pablo and the girls traveled to New Zealand where he was so excited that he exclaimed, "Aye-yi-yi!"

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Andi for some type of river cave adventure, only she seemed confused when they got there and there were no crashed airplanes, putters or colored golf balls.

Ultimately, they made their way to a hot spring waterfall, where Andi would have essentially lived every white girls dream of showering with Juan Pablo, if only she wasn't dressed up like she was going to compete in a boys high school wrestling meet.

As Andi sat next to Juan Pablo she gushed, "This is by the most romantic date I've ever been on."

Unfortunately, with Andi Dorfman in a one piece bathing suit, Juan Pablo probably wasn't thinking the same thing.

And when Andi said, "It was crazy just to feel the heat of the earth bubbling up, coming through the water," it became obvious that Juan Pablo had the girls so boy crazy over him that could even talk themselves into getting excited over him farting in the water.

However, Juan Pablo did end up giving Andi a Rose at the end of their date, allowing her to keep playing "hide the crazy" for at least one more week.

The Group Date can best be described by the question, 'What do you get when you mix Hobbits, balls and girls in bikinis?'

Sadly, it wasn't as cool as what you might have been thinking.

In fact, those three things somehow made for the most boring Group Date in The Bachelor history. 

As it turns out, Juan Pablo took the girls to the lush countryside where The Lord of the Rings movies were filmed in order to roll down hills in giant inflatable balls filled with water.

When Chelsie saw the countryside she exclaimed, "It kind of reminds me kind a little like Ohio, except we don't have hills."

Of course, Chelsie might have been overselling Ohio just a little bit, forgetting to mention all of the jean shorts, the miles upon miles of brown fields, and people who don't know how to stay the fuck out of the fast lane when they drive under the speed limit. 

Juan Pablo went on to tell Renee that she was one of his "special ones."

Of course, he said the same thing to Cassandra Ferguson, and he sent her home before the Rose Ceremony for having a baby with NBA player (notice how I didn't say star), Rodney Stuckey.

The Group Date Rose ended up going to Sharleen, the girl who doesn't even like Juan Pablo but keeps him around just for the sport of it...Wait, that's not how this show is supposed to work, is it?

The second 1-on-1 Date went to Clare, for a "casual" date with Juan Pablo. And by "casual," I mean that they simply put on sweat pants, t-shirts, and didn't have sex in the ocean.

At the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party Juan Pablo said about Rene, "There's nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid."

Of course he meant to add, "Except for Cassandra and her ugly baby," who was the obvious exception to that rule.

In addition to Cassandra's early exit, Juan Pablo also sent Kat home at the Rose Ceremony.

That caused Kat, the other ex-NBA cheerleader on the show to bemoan, "All my life I've been told how great I am, and what a great catch I am, and yet, here I sit."

And honestly, who can blame Kat for feeling like a failure now that she's pushing the age of 30 without even having landed a bitchin' child support check like Cassandra scored by the age of 19.


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And as the show continues, Renee, the other single mom, has to be considered the new favorite in the clubhouse...If for no other reason than Chris Harrison asking in amazement, "You threw shit at each other?"

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