Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "I remember (being) ready to go to sleep and just closing my eyes and being ready to be done"


This week we were able to take a break from Clare and Nikki's bitchiness and let all the other scorned women pile on Juan Pablo in "The Bachelor: The Women Tell All."

Most of those women were upset that Juan Pablo was so rude that he actually made artificial excuses as to why he couldn't to kiss them, instead of being like every other Bachelor and making an effort to try out every single one of the girls before he sent them home

However, Juan Pablo did make it clear that he didn't come on the show to make the ugly girls feel good about themselves when he said, "I no here to kiss twenty-seven women."

But before we heard about the rest of the drama on Juan Pablo's season, we had to hear about former Bachelor Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici's wedding, where Catherine confirmed that she and Sean finally had sex, although it didn't last very long.

Or as Chris Harrison said to the born again virgin, "Welcome to the club buddy."

In the strange but too much information department, Sean revealed that a stingray latched on to his "man parts" as they went diving, which seemed like a rather convenient excuse for him to not have any more sex with Catherine...Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Of all the girls, Sharleen was the first to stand up for Juan Pablo in light of the criticism that he was receiving, although she probably said it best when she was quoted as saying, "I wish I was dumber."

She did get a bit snarky, saying of Clare and Juan Pablo's "it doesn't count if we're in the ocean" sexcapade, "I think he had a bit of buyer's remorse."

And the part about that statement that was really interesting was the part where she didn't say that she wished that Juan Pablo was smarter, just that she wished that she was "dumber," meaning that was the only plausible way she could see their relationship working.

As the only girl who could have made for a somewhat likable Bachelorette, Renee took herself out of the running by pretty much confirming the reports that she got engaged since the season ended.

"I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm in a situation where I'm very happy."

That caused Chris Harrison to say, "The only way your going to jinx it is by calling it 'a situation.'"

Unfortunately, that means that Renee won't be the next Bachelorette, and if reports are true that the new one will come from one of the four finalists, that means we'll be stuck with a full season starring someone unlikable like Nicki, Clare or worse yet, Andi.

Andi, the most calculated person on the show, continued her quest to become the new Bachelorette by trying to serve as Chris Harrison's co-host, frequently jumping in and asking the other girls questions about their time on the show when Chris got distracted looking at Sharleen's boobs.

The funny part was that like Sharleen, Andi actually stood-up for Juan Pablo on several occasions, which was weird after the ridiculous confrontation that she staged with him during last week's episode.

However, much like an attorney going through the Jury selection process, it's going to be a really tough sell to find someone who's not already predisposed to hate Andi in the focus groups that are being put together to select ABC's next Emily Maynard.

In her much anticipated description of her disappointing night with Juan Pablo in the Fantasy Suite Andi said, "I remember (being) ready to go to sleep and just closing my eyes and waiting to be done."

Andi and Juan Pablo...Before she realized she was going to lose.

However, she clarified that she was just talking about falling asleep, and not having sex with Juan Pablo (wink, wink).

Juan Pablo tried to defend how he was being portrayed, saying that he had no regrets about how he treated the ladies, noting that he only physically struck them when they wouldn't shut up.

While Sharleen left Juan Pablo mid season because she knew they weren't a long term match, she still seemed to be lobbying to date him at the reunion, or at the very least for a post The Women Tell All hook-up at her hotel.

Kelly, who revealed that she had a gay parent, rightfully grilled Juan Pablo over his comments where he referred to gay people as "perverts."

She also broke down in the process, showing how much ignorant comments can affect people in real life...Even if she does have a dog nose.

Kelly Travis: And beneath that dog nose, is a nose that looks just like a dog's nose.

And with that, Chris Harrison cut things off and went to a blooper reel to distract America from the fact that ABC chose a total homophobe as their once much hyped Bachelor.

So that left us with Juan Pablo talking about needing the girls "accepting me and my little package." That prompted a producer to chime in and warn Juan Pablo that "little package" might be construed to mean his little penis.

Surprisingly, that may have been the first time all season that Juan Pablo didn't play the "language barrier" card.

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