Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "I would never do this in real life, I don't even wait on my husband"

Eddie began the episode pissed off because he was convinced that his love interest, Hope, was voted off because "She was the prettiest person here."

I'm just shocked that Eddie Fox didn't consider himself the prettiest person on the show.
Wanting to bring everyone in the Favorites Tribe into his "Stealth R' Us" alliance, but having very little to offer in return, Phillip tried to take a page out of Napoleon's playbook.

And according to Phillip, that meant trying to secure their loyalty through giving them bitchin' covert secret agent names like "Pinky Winky."

"Stealth R' Us," where Phillip Sheppard can be an idiot.

Phillip tried to bring Russell's Nephew on board by giving him the title "The Conqueror," not realizing that even someone of Brandon's limited intellect wasn't buying what he was trying to sell.

That caused Russell's Nephew to say, "This agent sucks bad," noting how Phillip was supposed to be able to figure out who was lying to him given how he was just playing along with his proposed plan.

The only person influenced by Phillip's naming game was Andrea, but only because she was the only person he didn't invite to join his alliance or give a stupid name to. So just for shits and giggles, I'm naming her "The Unicorn."

The Reward Challenge required the tribes to hold planks in order to transfer two fellow tribe members from one floating platform to the next, and then having all of them climb above a line on a narrow stand.

The Favorites won that challenge, which gave them a visit from a local tribesman who brought them a chicken, fruit and vegetables, along with tips on how to live off the land and rape the indigenous women.

Sure enough, the Favorites got a little bit more than they bargained for when the 60 year-old four foot tall local tribesman, Hata, seemed to take a liking to their ladies.

As Cochran said, "Hata's a married man, but that didn't seem to impede him from really trying to get his bump and grind on...And since he's this kind of bizarre little woodland creature, he gets away with it. If I tried that, I'd be some kind of creepy predator.

Cochran was right about Hata's creepy and predatorial behavior towards the Favorite's women...As it turned out, he ended up being related to Brandon Hantz and his uncles, Russell and Willie.

Shamar boldly declared that he'd be willing to stay in the game in order to help his alliance, but only if they allowed him to sleep 19-hours per day and brought him rice.

 And for that we thank Shamar Thomas for starting the first "Occupy SURVIVOR" movement.

For some reason Sherri and her alliance bought in saying, "I would never do this in real life, I don't even wait on my husband."

And while she may not wait on her husband, Sherri Biethman's boob pictures clearly suggest that she's servicing somebdody.

Shamar ended up scratching his eye while sleeping, which he claimed prevented him from sleeping all night.

Fortunately, Shamar had been sleeping all day, so he really didn't lose any sleep in the grand scheme of things as compared to his other competitors.

Surprisingly, the SURVIVOR medics arrived on the scene and confirmed that Shamar had suffered a serious injury to his cornea that needed immediate medical attention, and Shamar seemed relieved to use that as an excuse to exit the game.

Unlike Shamar, Reynold did not shed any tears upon his departure. "He was disrespectful, lazy. I'm just happy that he's gone."

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to swim out to a platform, retrieve keys to open a chess, and throw bags that they obtained to knock blocks off of a platform.

With the Favorites winning behind Phillip's amazing ability to toss his bags at poles, Matt tried to rally his alliance to vote against fellow member Laura in favor of Reynold or Eddie, so as to try and play to their physical strength at challenges.

Or as Reynold said, "Are you prioritizing winning, or are you prioritizing losing?"

As it turned out, Matt's plan worked out perfectly.

Not only did the Fans vote out Laura to make their tribe physically stronger, but Reynold was so paranoid that he played his Hidden Immunity Idol, even though he wasn't the target.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "I'll pee in the rice, I'll pee in the beans, I'll burn the shelter to the ground"...(THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!)"

Realizing that his alliance of "cool kids" wasn't really considered all that popular after all, Reynold approached Matt to smooth things over. "We are not friends, but we need each other to win."

Of course, the prepster dork turned out to be totally disingenuous saying, "It's like Revenge of the Nerds,"

Reynold Toepfer seems to think of himself as a character from Revenge of the Nerds. I'm just not sure whether he thinks he was Stan Gable or Ogre...Personally, I'm going with Lamar.

Sherri Biethman, the cougar mom and restaurateur seemed to have had enough of dealing with bratty private school kids in her life...At least when she isn't trying to pick them up at underage college bars.

"All I do is deal with snotty teenage brats all day." Of course, I'm not so sure that statement will go over too well with the 65 teenage employees in her empire of crappy fast food restaurants.

In fact, let's just say that I wouldn't feel too comfortable eating the white glaze on the pastries from any of the Cinnabons in the greater Boise, Idaho area anytime soon. Then again, that's why I don't eat in any crappy chain restaurants...Or live in Idaho.

Retro Commercial Break: Jimmy John's can suck it...Quiznos and their singing Kung Fu Hamsters is where it's at!

After braving the elements and surviving on only 19-hours of sleep per day, Shamar seemed ready to go back to his cushy life of living in tents in "Occupy America" movements.

As he contemplated quitting Shamar said, "I actually came into the game really wanting the million dollars."

Of course, that was until he realized that he'd actually have to put in at least a little bit of effort get that money...Semper Fi!

Knowing just what button to push, and much like any southern Democrat, Sherri told Shamar that he could remain in the game without doing any work, so long as he would just vote with her alliance.

Not wanting to go out with a chip on his shoulder, Shamar was heard saying, "I'm not going to be the angry black man in SURVIVOR, it's just not going to happen."

Of course, he didn't realize that he had already made Chuck D look like a frat boy cracka...Kind of like Reynold.

Meanwhile, Malcolm and Corinne managed to sneak off into the jungle in their underwear in order to...F-ind the Hidden Immunity Idol for the Favorites Tribe.

Corrine Kaplan doing her version of the "Harlem Shake," only with her boobies instead of crazy costumes.

Much like Russell's Nephew, Cochran struggled with the prospect of being around half way pretty girls who were wearing nothing but their underwear, only for different reasons.

"It's not normal for me to be surrounded by all these beautiful women who, half the time just are wearing their underwear, but it's real here," proving that SURVIVOR is Cochran's real life version of the TV show LOST.

In fact, I can see Cochran remaining in the Caramoan and protecting the island years and years after everyone else leaves.

While Russell's Nephew was assured that he was safe, unfortunately that assurance came from a girl.

So in order to redeem himself in the eyes of his family patriarchy of redneck dwarfs, Brandon went on to threaten, "I'll pee in the rice, I'll pee in the beans, I'll burn the shelter to the ground"...(THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!)"

Unless social services gets involved, Brandon Hantz' poor little redneck daughter doesn't stand a chance.

At the Immunity Challenge the teams had to swim out and retrieve a submerged chest, toss grappling hooks, and then drag their chest to the finish line.

Fortunately, the Favorites overcame Brandon Hantz' gut and black underpants and pulled off the win.

While Shamar had been brought into the loop by Sherri, he still told Hope her plan to split the vote between Eddie and herself before Tribal Counsel, being the idiot that he is.

Sure enough, Hope sold Shamar out at Tribal Counsel in order to try and save herself. Nonetheless, Hope, Eddie and Shamar each received three votes.

And with Reynold once again having refused to give away or play his Idol, Hope went home as the first player to ever arrive on SURVIVOR already emaciated.

Surprisingly, as she left Hope Driskell delusionally said, "I thought I was a strong player."

Monday, March 4, 2013

The Bachelor Blog - "Falling in love isn't fun"

After Sean broke up with Desiree's brother, he took the remaining three women to Thailand in hopes of finding himself the perfect teenage boy.

Sean commented that he liked AshLee because he wanted someone who was open and honest, which apparently made up for the part where she refuses to have fun.

...Not to mention that she perpetually looks like she's trying to figure out where in the house her dog secretly shit.

On the other hand, Lindsay wore a super tiny bikini, a hoochie mama dress and then ate bugs on their date in hopes of passing the boob, butt and gag reflex tests before her chance to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite with Sean.

Of course, that was before Sean announced that he was a "born again virgin" and  an ex-boyfriend reportedly started shopping naked pictures that Lindsay Yenter had texted him to various gossip websites.

Sean decided to take AshLee outside of her comfort zone by making her swim with him through a fairly dark cave.

It was then that AshLee dropped a bombshell on all of America, informing us for the first time that she was "abandoned as a child."

I'm starting to pick up on a theme here...I'm wondering if AshLee Frazier's ass has abandonment issues too?

AshLee told Sean about how she was not the type of girl who would just settle when it came to a relationship...Which explains why she was married and divorced by the time she left high school.

Catherine began saying her multiplication tables starting with "1 x 1," "2 x 2," and then saying saying that she could "go all the way to 56."

And while most American's probably need a little bit of time to figure out "8 x 7," that officially made Catherine Giudici the worst Asian ever.

Catherine then revealed that she been the victim of bullying while growing up. "I've been made fun of all my life," with people telling her that she was "chubby" or that she ate "too much."

Meanwhile, Sean ignored Catherine in order to make sure that his hair was properly frosted for the Rose Ceremony. 

At the Rose Ceremony AshLee told Sean that "Because of you, I know that I'm no longer broken."

Unfortunately, AshLee's new personal record for mental stability lasted for all of 45 seconds, as Sean's eyes showed the viewing audience that he was about to emotionally crush her.

Interestingly, the amount of cleavage that each girl showed at the Rose Ceremony was inversely proportionate to how safe each girl felt.

In the end, Sean sent Ashlee home over Catherine by telling her, "I thought it was you from the very beginning." Of course, that was just a polite way of saying that I thought you were hot until I got to know you.

As she left AshLee exclaimed, "Falling in love isn't fun," which probably explains why she got sent home.

Then again, there are reports that Tierra LiCausi is already engaged, so I guess there's hope for anyone!

Rumor has it that Tierra LiCausi is already engaged to someone who she was dating prior to coming on the show.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Bachelor Blog - "I think you're a playboy"

The hometown date episode began with AshLee bringing Sean to Houston to meet her adopted parents.

Unfortunately for Sean, not getting to see AshLee's biological mother turned out to be a major problem, as it left him unsure of how fat she'll eventually end up getting.

With AshLee having been adopted by a minister and his wife, we did get to play an exciting game of, "Were they foster parents or child molesters?"

And when AshLee's adoptive father said, "The minute I saw her I had a connection and I fell in love with her," we all knew that it was the latter.

Surprisingly, AshLee's adoptive father wasn't at all reluctant to give his blessing for his daughter to marry some guy from a reality TV show.

Then again, he did allow her to get married when she was a Junior in high school, so at least his parental skills have improved in the past 15 years.

After meeting AshLee's family, Sean went on to meet Catherine in her hometown of Seattle, where it turned out that her family was Asian.

Sean tried to impress Catherine's family by doing push-ups, which as it turns out, is just a cute thing that he does whenever he gets nervous.

At least Sean Lowe let Catherine be on top...But probably only because her grandma was watching.

After passing the push-up test, Catherine's sisters did more to warn him than they did to feel him out. In fact, they warned him how she wasn't "a relationship girl," about her lack of desire to have children, and her mood swings.

And while that type of endorsement (or lack thereof) should have been enough to sent any normal man running, we have to keep in mind that Sean kept Tierra LiCausi around for most of the season in spite of all her red-flags.

Sean then moved on to meet Lindsey, who he tried to impress by doing push-ups.

If only Sean Lowe could just figure out how to multi-task and do push-ups with his shirt off.

He also had to meet Lindsey's father, who is a two-star Army General. And aside from all of the guns that he had mounted on his wall, her dad actually seemed pretty cool.

Last, and probably least, Sean went to visit Desiree in her "natural environment" in Los Angeles, which was where her family's trailer just happened to be parked that week.

Desiree did get back at Sean for playing the practical joke on her during their date at the art museum by having someone pose as her crazy ex-boyfriend who was trying to win her back.

Sean was clearly agitated when some dude arrived at her door pleading, "I've been texting, calling. Where the Hell have you been?"

And after a brief showdown where Sean warned, "First of all, I'm standing right here," and, "Don't put your hands on me," it turned out that the real threat was really Desiree's white trash brother, Nate.

And while Dez's family was otherwise happy to see her work her way out of the trailer, Nate wasn't all that cool with anybody sleeping with his sister who wasn't him.

"There's no way this can work out...I think your a playboy." That caused Sean to respond by saying, "I'm sorry you got that opinion, but it's not me."

Of course, Nate wasn't aware that Sean's really gay...I mean a "born again virgin."

And by claiming that he's a born again virgin, Sean Lowe conveniently has a built in excuse as to why he's not been all that intimate with any of the women this season.

Realizing that he had an incredibly difficult decision to make as to who to keep between Catherine and Desiree, Sean decided to take off his shirt in order to help himself think.

Aware that her brother may have ruined her chance to upgrade to a double wide, Desiree pulled Sean aside during the Rose Ceremony to apologize for Nate and his frightening white guy hand tattoo.

At least Desiree's crazy ex-con brother Nate didn't have access to any dangerous weapons.

That caused Catherine to question, "Should I have pulled him aside? I don't want to go home," which wasn't exactly the same thing as saying that she was worried about losing Sean as a person, if you read between the lines.

Sure enough, it was Desiree who was sent packing, allowing her brother to compete for her hand as a contestant when she winds up being the next Bachelorette.