Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Blogging Survivor: One World - "I'm a Republican, I'm not a Democrat. I do not believe in handouts"

With the women's Salani Tribe in disarray in terms of fire and shelter, and with a big storm coming in, Colton offered to let the women spend the night in the men's shelter. While the women decided to stay and tough it out, they all flocked to the men's fire the following morning in order to warm up and dry out.

Matt was not pleased with the hospitality offered by his tribe. "I went out crab hunting this morning and came back and found six or eight of the girls...sitting in our beds...and there's no extra room. That means for the girls, those days are done."

Given the Alicia was one of the women in the men's beds, I think that Matt was just pissed off that he went out hunting and the crabs ended up just coming to him.

Don't forget the STD.

The Reward Challenge consisted of a series of head-to-head memorization tests, with the first tribe to win five getting a canoe and fishing supplies. While Kat and Troy-zan had an epic battle of stupidity, with each missing their sequence seven times in a row before Kat finally got it right, the girls ended up sweeping the event for their first win in any challenge all season.

After another storm swept through, the men again found the women at their camp huddling around their fire and asking for embers to re-start their own. The guys, losing patience with the girls for free riding off of them, asked to borrow their canoe and fishing supplies in return, which the girls balked at.

The guys were at a loss as to why the girls kept expecting the guys to help them out with shelter and fire when they offered nothing in return. When Troy surmised, "Maybe that's the thing...We're men, they're women, maybe we just think differently, Colton interjected, "No, 'cause even I don't understand."

Even though the entire girls tribe served as Colton's collective harem of hags, he was clearly annoyed with their antics. "I like love those girls, but if they're not going to give me anything, I'm sorry. I'm not that type of a person. I'm a Republican, I'm not a Democrat. I do not believe in handouts."

So not only was the South responsible for giving us socially conservative Southern Democrats, but now they're producing a mutant hybrid army of gay Republicans? Talk about being confused in where you are in your life. Then again, I guess we've had those up North for years too...We just always referred to them as our conservative Congressmen.

At the Immunity Challenge, each tribe selected a "caller" to verbally guide pairs of their blindfolded teammates through an obstacle course in order to get puzzle pieces and solve a puzzle. While Sabrina gave Bill and the men a huge lead by yelling a lot but not really saying anything, she made up a huge deficit on the puzzle, giving the women Immunity for the first time.

Back at the men's camp, Colton was actually excited to have lost. "I'm so excited to vote someone out. I dislike so many of these people. Like Bill screwed up in the challenge today. You had a good, like, 5-7 minute lead over those women and you still lost."

In spite of being a gay kid from the old South, Colton went on to show his prejudicial side in ranting on about Bill. "Like, I don't want to talk to you, I don't like you, stay away from me. You're ghetto trash, that's all you are."

Apparently in the South even rainbows don't include blacks...Then again, I guess black is the absence of color.

There really was no justification for Colton's comment. First of all, Bill's a stand-up comedian from Venice, CA, so it's not like Colton's "ghetto" comment had any basis in truth in where he's from.

Secondly, Bill seems like the hippie/surfer/skater type, so Colton's comment had no basis in perception either. Finally, the guy applied to be on Survivor, so he's much more likely to be gay or Asian than "ghetto" if Colton wants us the play the stereotype game, which fortunately I do.

Bill, getting all ghetto at "Occupy Farmers Market."

As the "Misfit Alliance"of Colton, Troy, Leif, Jonas and  Tarzan pondered their strategy for Tribal Council, Jay walked up behind them. Even though he was not a part of their alliance, they ended up asking him to join them in voting out Bill (as Colton wished) since he was not one of their targets.

On the other hand, Matt decided that he needed to break up that conversation by aggressively asking, "Is my presence destroying the strategy talks?" While Colton tried to deny it by saying "no," much to the embarrassment of Matt's ego Tarzan interrupted and called him out by calmly saying, "Yes it is, at the moment."

Perhaps seeing the irony in the fact that his "Muscle Alliance" never had enough members to vote anyone out, Matt tried to persuade Troy to form a new alliance. "Me, you, Jay and maybe Mike, all of us are roosters, right? And we don't want any other roosters around. The chickens can't break up the roosters, and that's how I say it from day one, and frankly, I saw you as part of the roosters."

Unfortunately, the "Rooster Alliance" never took flight, as Troy realized that Matt was just blowing smoke up his ass to get back on top of the men's tribe. Troy then passed that information along to the Misfits, who realized that Matt was their biggest threat over Colton's prejudice against black people.

At Tribal Council, Colton immediately announced that he was confident that he was safe. "I'm not uncomfortable because I'm not going home tonight...Because I have an Idol."

When Colton responded to Jeff Probst's question about whether he was spending too much time with the girls by saying, "Duh, that shouldn't be a shock..all my friends at home are girls," Jeff lit into him. "But you're not on their tribe. You look at me and say 'duh,' it actually is a reverse duh, double dare on you...Do you realize what kind of target you put on your back by saying that?"

While Colton announced that he would be playing his Immunity Idol to be safe, he ultimately chose not to use it. He then muttered "You pissed off the wrong queen," as the Misfits voted out Matt, who was a little too arrogant for his own good.

Colton fashions himself as the King of Queens...I mean the King of the Misfits..

Monday, February 27, 2012

The Bachelor Blog - "I'm a little nervous about giving her this card tonight...I hope she's ready for it!"

With The Bachelor down to just three contestants, the show is obviously having a tough time filling their two-hour weekly time slot. The first 10-minutes of this week's episode was just a recap, and we were also subjected to a segment of upcoming Bachelorette Emily Maynard getting ready for her season by trying on dresses.

By this point we already know that Courtney's a bitch, that Nicki's gained a bunch of weight, and that Emily's going to say that she wants to protect her daughter while pimping her out on camera more than any of the kids on Toddlers and Tiaras. I'm not exactly sure what Lindzi's deal is yet, but I'm pretty sure that all of those horses are masking some sort of dark family secret.

Nicki Sterling...Before she was introduced The Bachelor's nightly buffet and open bar.
We joined up with Ben and Nicki in Switzerland. Apparently the Producers gave up even trying to arrange exotic dates this season, as they broke out yet another helicopter ride culminating in a picnic on top of a Swiss mountain. I'm not saying that helicopter rides aren't cool or anything, but when it comes to The Bachelor helicopter is the new limo. In fact, I hear that's how the girls will be dropped off at the mansion next season.

Having the opportunity to ask Nicki to spend the night alone with him in the Fantasy Suite, Ben appeared a little overly eager to take out some sexual frustration after dating 20 plus women with little or no alone time. "I'm a little nervous about giving her this card tonight...I hope she's ready for it!" Not wanting to have "anything unanswered," Nicki gladly accepted his penis...I mean the card inviting her to spend the night.

Next up was Lindzi, who Ben took to repel down the side of a cliff before he was presented with the opportunity to ask her to the Fantasy Suite. Clearly trying to justify spending the night with his second girl in two dates, Ben said all the things necessary on camera to make him sound less sleazy like, "I really love this woman," and "I'm thinking I love Lindzi, She's everything I could want in a relationship." Of course, Lindzi accepted Ben's request to spend the night with him in the Fantasy Suite.

Personally, in to avoid boring comments like these I think the show needs to add an entourage of male friends who the Bachelor has to knock down beers with before and after his dates so we can get his true and unfiltered thoughts. We'd be much more likely to get entertaining comments like, "There was no way I was going to choose Nicki over Courtney or Lindzi, but I kind of wanted to sleep with her before I sent her home."

On Courtney's date, Ben confronted her about her behavior around the other girls. This seemed to serve as a wake-up call to Courtney who said, "There's a dark cloud over me. It's like a fear of losing him." While it was probably more a fear of losing in general as opposed to "losing him," she quickly began saying all the right things just to appease Ben.

After saying that she was disappointed in how she acted around the other women and acknowledging that she could have handled things better, Ben said that her apology had eased his doubts. And if there was any doubt, Courtney also accepted Ben's invitation to join him in the Fantasy Suite. Hopefully she didn't find Lindzi or Nicki's underwear stuck in the fireplace rug...or if you're one of the people who hate Courtney, then hopefully she did.

Just when Ben seemed to be comfortable again with Courtney's intentions, Kacie B. returned from Redemption Island and unexpectedly knocked on Ben's hotel room door. She told him that she needed an explanation as to why she did not receive a Rose after her hometown date.

Ben uncomfortably explained to her how they came from two different families, obviously referring to how he felt cock-blocked by her ultra religious parents, who had informed him that they frowned upon drinking, unmarried cohabitation and using medication to treat depression.

Before leaving, Kacie B. warned Ben that she's worried that he'll ultimately get his heart broken if he chooses Courtney since she only came on the show to win. As Kacie B. tried to hug him goodbye, a clearly uncomfortable Ben could only respond, "I don't even know what to say." He then went back inside his room as Kacie B. fell to the floor and wound up just laying in the hallway...So all in all, her decision to return went really well.

We next saw a discombobulated Ben mumbling to himself as Chris Harrison came in and smugly asked, "What's going on?" Keep in mind that they had to get Kacie B. to Switzerland, so it's not like the Producers played a passive role in Kacie B.'s arrival. In fact, it almost seemed like Chris was playing a little practical joke in sending the woman with the most recent case of "Post Bachelor Stress Disorder" back into Ben's room.

When Chris asked Ben if he wanted to have Kacie B. join the other women at the Rose Ceremony, Ben quickly replied, "I think that's too much," and then making up an excuse on how it would be unfair to the other girls who had all gone on to experience a new round of dates with him in Switzerland.

At the Final Rose Ceremony of the season, Ben purported to wrestle with his decision to keep Courtney. Of course, to no one's surprise he ended up eliminating Nicki, meaning Courtney and Lindzi made it to the Final Rose.

Friday, February 24, 2012

2012 NFL Mock Draft: Pre NFL Scouting Combine

Here is my Pre NFL Scouting Combine 2012 NFL Mock Draft. It will be followed by updates after the Combine up until the NFL Draft on April 26th.

My mock draft has been linked by The Football Fan Spot, Sports Jabber, DC Pro Sports ReportWalter Football, FF Toolbox,, The Football Expert, NFLDraftDogFantasy Football Help Desk, The Phinsider, The Huddle Report, NFL Mock Draft Central, NFL Pro Zach and No Limits Sportsline Fantasy Sports in their Mock Draft Databases. If you're a draftnik like me, be sure to click on their hyperlinks and check out all of their extensive NFL Draft related material.

This is not a mock draft where I attempt play general manager and substitute my own judgment for the 32 NFL teams. I do my best to research what particular players or positions each team may be targeting by searching the internet for tips from reliable beat writers and NFL insiders in order to provide links and analysis as to why that team may be targeting a particular player.

1st Round

1. Indianapolis Colts - Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford: Peyton Manning's $28 million roster bonus will make this an easy transition. The Colts can select Andrew Luck with the first pick of the draft and play him right away, while Manning's uncertain health at the time that bonus comes due on March 8th will allow the Colts to cut ties with him without alienating their fan base. Even in the event that Manning does return, the Colts will take Luck and groom him as his successor.;;

2. Cleveland Browns (predicted trade with St. Louis) – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor: If the Browns really want Griffin, they will have to trade up with St. Louis in order to assure that Washington, Seattle or Miami do not leap-frog over them. Cleveland certainly has the picks to move up should they choose to go in that direction, but the question remains whether they are willing to part with them or if they‘d rather target another option at quarterback like Matt Flynn via free agency or Ryan Tannehill later in the draft.;;

3. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil, OT, USC: The Vikings appear to have made their decision to go with Christian Ponder as their quarterback of the future, having assured him that they will not select another signal caller with their first round pick in this year's draft. Matt Kalil projects as a premier left tackle that Minnesota can rebuild their offensive line around. Justin Blackmon and Morris Claiborne would also fill needs here for the Vikings, but when all else is equal when it comes to talent, left tackle takes precedence over a wide receiver or a cornerback.;;;;

4. St. Louis Rams – (predicted trade with Cleveland) Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State: The Rams are looking to trade down from the #2 spot, possibly with Cleveland at #4 or Washington at #6. By doing so, they would accumulate extra picks and still have the opportunity to select the number one wide receiver they covet for Sam Bradford in Justin Blackmon before the next team clearly seeking one (Jacksonville) selects at #7.;;

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama: Tampa Bay is having enough problems securing a coaching staff, let alone figuring out who they are going to draft at this point. It would be hard to argue with Morris Claiborne or Justin Blackmon at the #5 spot, but an electric back like Trent Richardson would immediately make life easier on quarterback Josh Freeman by forcing an extra defender into the box.;

6. Washington Redskins - Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU: Quarterback seems to be a popular pick for Washington. Rumor has it that both Peyton Manning and his center with the Colts, Jeff Saturday, will be joining the Redskins in a package deal. Another rumor floating around is that the Redskins are planning to announce a new quarterback on draft day who will "elate" their fans, suggesting that they already have some sort of deal in place. In the event that the Redskins do not acquire a new quarterback like Manning via free agency or a trade, they may look to stay put and take a cornerback like LSU's Morris Claiborne, or they could trade down for additional picks and still select a quarterback like Ryan Tannehill later in the first round.;

7. Jacksonville Jaguars – Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina: Wide receiver, defensive end and tackle seem to be the Jaguars biggest needs. In the event that Justin Blackmon does not fall to them, they should have their choice of elite pass rushers in this year's draft, with defensive end representing the position of best value for Jacksonville at the #7 spot.;

8. Miami Dolphins – Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa: While there has been speculation that the Dolphins covet Peyton Manning should he be granted his release by the Colts, the smarter money is on Matt Flynn joining the Dolphins since his former offensive coordinator in Green Bay, Joe Philbim, is now their head coach. Assuming that Miami solidifies their quarterback situation via free agency, the Dolpins can address needs like pass rush or right tackle in the draft. While some would question the value of drafting a right tackle this high in the first round, that seems to be the Dolphins thinking at this point for their pick at pick #8.;

9. Carolina Panthers – Michael Brockers, DT/DE, LSU: Ideally the Panthers would like for in-state product Quinton Coples to fall them at pick #9. Coples would have the skill-set to play inside as a disruptive tackle in the Panthers 4-3 system. Morris Claiborne is also a player that the Panthers are considering to fill a need at cornerback. If both are off the board by the time the Panthers pick, Carolina will likely have to choose between Alabama CB Dre Kirkpatrick and LSU defensive tackle Michael Brockers to fill those needs.;;

10. Buffalo Bills – Courtney Upshaw, DE/OLB, Alabama: An edge pass rusher like Courtney Upshaw would be a great combination to pair alongside fellow ex Alabama teammate Marcell Dareus in the Bill's new 4-3 defense.

11. Kansas City Chiefs – Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford: The Chiefs are looking to upgrade their offensive line. By drafting a true left tackle like Stanford’s Jonathan Martin at #11, that would allow them to move Brandon Albert either inside to guard or to right tackle, his more natural position. Either way, Kansas City would substantially upgrade two positions on their line by making that move.

12. Seattle Seahawks – Nick Perry, DE, USC: Seattle has needs at quarterback and defensive end. It certainly would not be surprising if the Seahawks used or packaged this pick for a new signal caller, but that scenario would require them moving up from pick #12 and into the top 2 or 3 to even have a chance at one of the top 2 quarterbacks in the draft. If Seattle finds their new quarterback in free agency (where they have been linked to both Peyton Manning and Matt Flynn), or if the cost of moving up in the draft is too high, the Seahawks have also been said to have exhibited an interest in USC DE Nick Perry, which would reunite him with his former USC coach Pete Carroll. Melvin Ingram of South Carolina would be another option to at defensive end get to the passer.;;;;

13. Arizona Cardinals – Mike Adams, OT, Ohio State: The Cardinals need to improve their current offensive line, especially if they elect to let left tackle Levi Brown walk in free agency. Jonathan Martin of Stanford and Riley Reiff would seem to fit at #13 value wise, although the Cardinals seemed to have exhibited more of an interest in Ohio State left tackle Mike Adams at the Senior Bowl.;;

14. Dallas Cowboys – Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama: The Cowboys have several glaring holes in their secondary, which for an aspiring Super Bowl contender like Jerry Jones is a recipe for disaster in the pass happy NFC. Look for the Cowboys to address that need and let their young interior offensive line develop another season before deciding whether it needs to be addressed.;;;

15. Philadelphia Eagles – Luke Kuechly, LB, Boston College: Despite spending significant amounts of money on the defensive side of the ball last season, it was relatively easy to foresee that the Eagles would struggle due to an inability to stop the run. The Eagles were woefully undersized and thin on depth at the linebacker position, where a complete overhaul is necessary. Luke Kuechly of Boston College would be a solid step in remedying that problem.;; 

16. New York Jets - Mark Barron, S, Alabama: The Jets entire secondary was brought down last season due to a lack of speed at the safety position. A potential playmaker like Mark Barron would help turn a weakness at safety into a strength, and push the Jets back towards being one of the top defenses in the AFC. A pass rusher like Melvin Ingram of South Carolina could also be a consideration here.;

17. Cincinnati Bengals (from Oakland) – David DeCastro, G, Stanford: From the interior of their offensive line to an explosive back, the Bengals could stand to improve their running game. David DeCastro projects as one of the highest rated guards in recent draft history, possibly going as high as the top half of the first round. Cornerback and safety will also be considerations depending on the value available when it comes to Cincinnati's draft board.;;;

18. San Diego Chargers – Melvin Ingram, OLB/DE, South Carolina: The Chargers could have plenty of needs depending upon whether they re-sign all of their own free agents. Offensive line could be a huge concern depending on the statuses of Marcus McNeil, Jared Gaither, Nick Hardwick and Kris Dielman, althoug it currently looks as if Gaither, Hardwick and Dielman will ultimately return. Adding a playmaker to rush the passer at linebacker is also a major need, and could represent better value at the 18th pick if the Chargers can sure up their line before the draft.; 

19. Chicago Bears – Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame: Replenishing an aging offensive line has to be a priority for the Bears, as is adding a true number 1 receiver. With Mike Martz having been run out of Chicago and into retirement, new offensive coordinator and offensive line guru Mike Tice might be able to make do with the pieces that he currently has. In that case, Michael Floyd of Notre Dame would give Jay Cutler a natural go-to receiver to work with, allowing Devin Hester and Johnny Knox to work as more complimentary big-play threats.;

20. Tennessee Titans – Andre Branch, DE, Clemson: The Titans appear to be looking for help at defensive end. In the middle of the first round they could find value in edge rushers like Nick Perry of USC or Andre Branch of Clemson. Cornerback could also be a consideration if Tennessee lets Courtland Finnegan walk in free agency.;;
Sports Tennessee Titans

21. Cincinnati Bengals – Janoris Jenkins, CB, North Alabama: The Bengals should look to upgrade their secondary at either corner or safety with at least one of their two first round picks. Janoris Jenkins claims to have distanced himself from the marijuana problems he had that caused him to get kicked out of the University of Florida. Given that the Bengals have a tendency to overlook character concerns, Jenkins may be a fit in Cincinnati given that he just may be the best cover corner in the draft.;;;

22. Cleveland Browns (from Atlanta) – Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor: If the Browns can land Robert Griffin III without having to give up their second pick in the first round or sign a franchise quarterback like Matt Flynn via free agency, the 22nd pick would be an ideal spot to grab an elite wide receiver. The thought of pairing Griffin with his favorite target at Baylor has to be intriguing to Cleveland's front office.;

23. Detroit Lions - Peter Konz, C, Wisconsin: Offensive line and the secondary are Detroit's biggest areas of need. However, William Clay Ford, Jr., Martin Mayhew and Tom Lewand have quickly changed the culture in Detroit not by reaching for need, but by taking a best player available approach. Janoris Jenkins and Dre Kilpatrick have the talent at cornerback that the Lions will be looking for, but their character concerns may not fit with the Lions organization even if they were to fall to the #23 pick. Alternatively, the Lions could target OT Mike Adams of Ohio State, C Peter Konz of Wisconsin, or even look to trade down for an additional 2nd round pick if they can also add a first round pick in next year's draft.;;;;!/ttwentyman/status/164890568651046913

24. Pittsburgh Steelers – Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis: With Casey Hampton's health and contract jeopardizing his return to the Steelers, Pittsburgh could be looking for a nose tackle to replace him or a 3-4 defensive end so that Ziggy Hood can move inside. Dontari Poe of Memphis would be the prototypical two-gap DT that Pittsburgh is looking for in their 3-4 defense.

25. Denver Broncos – Devon Still, DT, Penn State: The Broncos have more needs than there is value to them at the #25 pick. Ideally, they'd probably like to trade out of the first round and accumulate players at positions of need like running back, center, defensive tackle and the secondary. Defensive tackle should be a particularly deep position in the late first or early second round, and Devon Still, Jerel Worthy, Fletcher Cox or Brandon Thompson could all fill a need for the Broncos at that position.

26. Houston Texans – Rueben Randle, WR, LSU: The Texans need a compliment to Andre Johnson at wide receiver, who's injury last season magnified their lack of depth at that position. Rueben Randle is a physical specimen at wide receiver who‘s numbers at LSU were hindered by the Tigers' lack of a vertical passing game, although there are questions about his maturity in how he handled not getting the ball as much as he would have liked.;;

27. New England Patriots (from New Orleans) – Jerel Worthy, DT, Michigan State: New England has two picks in both the 1st and the 2nd rounds of this year's draft. With glaring holes at DE, OLB CB/S and possibly even WR, they should be in position to make major improvements to a team that narrowly missed winning the Super Bowl. Jerel Worthy of Michigan State would be an ideal 3-4 end to provide the Patriots with some much needed pass rush while also stabalizing against the run.;;

28. Green Bay Packers – Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State: The Packers are still looking for a replacement for Cullen Jenkins, who's departure after their 2011 Super Bowl victory in free agency created a huge hole at end on their defensive line. Mississippi State DT would be a disruptive force in Green Bay's 3-4 defense that could occupy some of the extra attention that Clay Mathews received this year, freeing him up to get after the passer like he did two seasons ago.;;

29. Baltimore Ravens - Vontaze Burfict, LB, Arizona State: While interior offensive linemen may be the Ravens biggest need, as they could stand to lose G Ben Grubbs to free agency and C Matt Birk to retirement, Peter Konz might be off the board by the time they select. Additionally, Baltimore takes a best player available approach when it comes to the draft, so there's no guarantee that they'd draft him to fill that need if he is available. Vontaze Burfict of Arizona State fits the mold of Ray Lewis, who's not getting any younger. Allowing Burfict to play alongside the veteran Pro Bowler would be an ideal situation, as Lewis could teach how to better channel some of his aggression.

30. San Francisco 49ers – Mohamed Sanu, WR, Rutgers: The 49ers will take the best player available on their draft board. However, if they are unable to sign at least one wide receiver in free agency, that position has to become a priority in the draft. Mohamed Sanu is a physical receiver, although questions about his speed may keep him out of the first round. Likewise, Alshon Jeffery of South Carolina seems to have had his draft stock fall this season, but he certainly has the talent of a #1 receiver if he were to keep his weight under control and run a good time at the Combine.;

Aside from Rich Eisen's quest to break 6.0, Mohamed Sanu and Alshon Jeffery will be running two of the most important 40-yard dashes at this year's Scouting Combine.

31. New England Patriots – Whitney Mercilus, DE/OLB, Illinois: If the Patriots can address defensive end with the first selection in the first round, a 3-4 outside linebacker needs to be their next priority with Kevin Carter coming off of a substantial injury and Mark Anderson set to hit the free market. Whitney Mercilus of Illinois is a talented pass rusher who's skill set translates well to standing up in the NFL.;;;

32. New York Giants – Cordy Glenn, OT/G, Georgia: The Giants were able to mask holes on their offensive line and in their secondary all season. With their secondary returning some of the depth and talent that was lost due to injury, the Giants can focus on their line. Cordy Glenn of Georgia has the versatility to play either right tackle or right guard, both of which are positions that the Giants could stand to improve. Given that the Giants take a best player available philosophy under Jerry Reese, a defensive tackle or end would not be surprising given the depth and value available at those positions in this year's draft.;

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Blogging Survivor: One World - "It's definitely the boobs"

After finishing the season's initial Tribal Council complete disarray, the girls decided to call a tribe meeting to re-organize. Apparently deciding that they needed someone to make more passive aggressive comments, they decided to appoint Sabrina as their de facto leader. 

Survivor's first Do It Yourself Challenge consisted of the two tribes competing to un-tie a long strand of knots in a rope in order to release a key, with the winners getting a tarp to protect themselves from the rain. The girls were unable to capitalize in their first opportunity to redeem themselves, and victory went to the boys.

Colton continued to identify with the women more than he did with the men. "I have nothing in common with the guys. We all have an extra appendage, that's the only thing." However, his presence at the girl tribe was not all that well received either. As the season began I was on the fence as to whether Colton was going to end up being the funny and snarky gay guy, or just really annoying...I'm now 10% sure that it's the latter.

Sabrina commented, "Colton is like a virus...What a drama queen...Just go back to your camp." After the girls asked him to leave, Sabrina commented on his antics, "Dramatic...Now he's crying."

Feeling that he had no other options, Colton decided to tell Troy, Jonas, Tarzan and Leif that he had the hidden immunity Idol. However, while they agreed to play along with him to take out some of the younger muscle, things immediately went to his head. "Until I can get with the girls I  have to associate myself with these misfits...I'll just be their king."

Hey Tarzan, is that an enlarged prostate, or are you just happy to see me?

The Immunity Challenge consisted of the two tribes lining up and having to cross their teammates one by one on a balance beam without falling off. The men once again easily defeated the women, in part because Kat kept intentionally jumping in the water even as her tribe implored her not to...Not because she was trying to throw the challenge, but because she apparently just likes getting wet.

Having been arrested for theft, Kat's apparently part criminal, and part golden retriever.

Chelsea claimed that the women were at a disadvantage in the challenge from the start. "It's definitely the boobs," in reference to the difficulties they had getting around one another given the massive amounts of silicon that was bouncing around. However, the guys could have said the same thing about having to bump uglies with Colton, who for once was the guy's MVP.

Monica described the Immunity Challenge by saying, "Kat jumped in (the water) when she didn't need to jump in. Not once, twice. I'm sad. I'm sad for women. This isn't the way women are, and frankly, I'm so embarrassed." Of course, that's the same Monica who volunteered to strip for the men if they'd give the women some of their fire, so she's not exactly Gloria Steinem.

Knowing that she was probably the prime target to be voted out for social reasons, Nina targeted Kat's lack of physical contributions to the tribe in order to try to save herself. The cameras then flashed to a shot of Kat farting and laughing, which gave us the first good reason why it was a bad idea to divide the tribe along gender lines. Much like girls these days who think they are entitled to wear bikinis no matter how fat they are, the Salani Tribe seems to be just a little too comfortable for their own good.

In spite of the tribe acknowledging that Kat had cost her tribe the Immunity Challenge, she still prevailed over Nina at Tribal Council. And just like that, the one woman on the Salani Tribe who truly hated men was voted out in a season predictated upon a battle of the sexes. Things aren't looking good for the women.

Monday, February 20, 2012

The Bachelor Blog - "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?"

And just like that, we're down to the Final Four contestants and their hometown dates. As I watched this episode, I quickly realized how boring The Bachelor can be when there aren't multiple girls in the same room getting passive aggressive with each other.

First up was Lindzi, the equestrian from Seattle, who for for some reason had her hometown date in Ocala, Florida. From what we could gather, Lindzi's family either really likes riding around in horse drawn carriages, or they're secretly on the Amish down-low.

Lindzi had the friendly and welcoming parents, who pointed out that they got married at the same City Hall in San Francisco where she and Ben had their first date. Unfortunately, Lindzi doesn't quite seem to have that deep of a relationship with Ben for being in the Final Four, as she only told him that she had previously lived with her ex-boyfriend for the past two years just before he met her parents.

Next up was Kacie B., who took Ben back to her hometown of Clarksville, TN, where she apparently used to perform in an all black college marching band...You know, because the fantastic marching bands from historically black colleges put a premium on white girls who kind of know how to twirl a baton.

I'd normally make fun of Kacie B.'s weight gain during the show at this point, but in light of her revelation that she used to have an eating disorder, I'm afraid that she'll accidentally come across this blog by Googling her name and end up doing something drastic...Like cutting herself.

Being good Christians, Kacie B.'s parents were not too open to The Bachelor experience. Apparently having your daughter date on television or live with a man out wedlock are about as well received in the bible belt as public dance.

Kacie's mom informed Ben that she did not want her daughter living with him in the event that they got engaged, and that she hopes "It lasts forever...To me, that's what marriage is," because apparently nothing ensures that a marriage will last forever more than having two people never having lived together before they tie the knot.

Ben assured Kacie's mom that he did "value the sanctity of marriage," which is totally evident by the two reality shows that he's now appeared on competing for the prize of marrying someone he hardly knows. That seemed to appease Kacie's mother, who surely would have had no problem watching Ben skinny dip with Courtney on national TV in the event that he ultimately chose her daughter.

Nicki brought Ben to Fort Worth, Texas where she said, "The last time I brought a man home under these circumstances, I married him." Apparently mistaking true love for a reality show, and Ben for a doll, Nicki took him shopping and dressed him in local attire, a ridiculous looking cowboy hat and boots.

Ben's new cowboy wardrobe will come in handy in the even that he ultimately chooses Lindzi.

By the time that Nicki announced that Ben was going to meet her mother, her father and her brother, I was so bored that I found myself secretly saying to myself, "Please let her brother be retarded, please let her brother retarded," just to add some levity to the situation.

While Nicki's parents were concerned about their daughter, they also were very welcoming towards Ben. In fact, her mom was an older, fatter and friendlier version of Kacie B.'s mother...Kind of like how Nicki is just an older and fatter version of Kacie B.

Last but not least was Courtney's much anticipated hometown date. More specifically, we got to meet the woman who has been quoted as saying that Ben is not hot enough to date her daughter in light of the more famous men she has dated.

While Courtney did issue an apology of sorts on camera as to how she regretted the way she treated the other girls in the house, she continued to play the role of victim in her past relationships. "I haven't been with a guy ever that hasn't ended up hurting me or letting me down."

Of course, it's been well documented in the tabloids how Courtney broke things off with a boyfriend who thought they were in a serious relationship immediately before coming on the show, and how she's ended relationships with several celebrities because she wanted to continue on with her partying ways rather than settle down.

Now the tabloids are reporting another tidbit of gossip...That Courtney is worried that her ex-boyfriend might release a sex tape. Keep in mind that he hasn't threatened to do so or even brought the subject up, I guess she's just concerned that he might try to sell the tape to add insult to injury "for letting her down." Sounds to me like a classic case of someone putting a feeler out to see what the market might bring, but that's just my opinion.

Bachelor contestant Courtney Robertson might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I suppose she would have the Admiral Ackbar fetish market covered at Com-Con.

Courtney concluded her hometown date by taking Ben to the park where either she had her first modeling gig, lost her virginity, or both. She then pointed out a wedding gazebo, and had them write and recite vows to each other.

If Ben still had any doubts about choosing Courtney as his winner in the end out of concerns about her sincerity, they went out the window when she told him that she was in love with him. Then again, it turns out she lifted her fake wedding vows from Sex and the City. I'm not saying it cheapens anything, because Sex in the City was an incredibly romantic show, but buyer beware.

After discussing his hometown dates with Chris Harrison, which allowed them to burn ten minutes by recapping the episode within the same episode, Ben handed out Roses to his three finalists. Possibly staying true to a promise that he made to her father that he would eliminate her sooner rather than later if he knew she wasn't the one, Ben sent Kacie B home.

Given that Kacie B's parents all but confirmed that she would be of little value to him in the Fantasy Suite next week, Ben decided to send her home in favor of girls he knew would put out. Clearly caught off guard by the announcement, the normally calm and collected Kacie B. lost control and yelled out, "This is why I don't love!...What the fuck happened? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?"

The limousine then whisked her off to the nearest In-N-Out Burger for a couple of double deuces before she caught the next plane back to Tennessee 10 pounds heavier than when she came, and with a new incentive to go back to having her finger for dessert.

The next stop (as announced by Ben): "It's perfect for falling in love. It's romantic. It's full of mountains and snow. It's glamorous and luxurious." You might ask, could it possibly be...Gatlinberg, Tennessee? Nope, just boring old Switzerland.

Roses To:
(My rankings and critique of each of The Bachelor's final four contestants)

3. Nicki - Ben concluded his hometown date with Nicki by saying, "I have a gut feeling about Nicki," which I think was his way of saying that he has a bad feeling about her gut.

2. Lindzi - On their date, we heard Ben ask Lindzi, "Teach me how to do this thing," and Lindzi respond, "Here, let me take the whip." Unfortunately, they were just talking about riding in one of Lindzi's horse drawn carriages, which is the fundamental difference between Lindzi's relationship with Ben and Courtney's...When Courtney says something that sounds ridiculously sexual like that, we can pretty much take that statement literally. Lindzi, not so much.

1. Courtney - Hats off to Courtney's fatter sister toasting her entire family by saying, "Here's to many more skinny dipping trips in the ocean...That's all I have to say," as Courtney's mother giggled and her father nodded like he was awkwardly acklowedging that both his wife and daughter are both sluts. At least Courtney's sister is chubby enough to preserve the family's last vestige of chastity...That is, assuming that the Khloe Kardashian doppleganger hasn't found a Lamar to love her for her curves just yet.

Friday, February 17, 2012

2012 NASCAR Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin': Because if NASCAR's a sport, Danica Patrick's a better athlete than Dale Jr.

The 2012 NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, beginning with the sports biggest race of the year. Then, after the Budweiser Shootout, comes the Daytona 500.

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from puttin' in a chaw, setting up a lawn chair in a field near the highway so I can watch the NASCAR tractor trailers drive past my town, and predicting the 2012 Sprint Cup results.

As we all know, NASCAR doesn't exactly attract the the cream of the crop of our gene pool. Fortunately, the races are mother nature's way of reducing the crud that has formed at the bottom of society's pan.

When you have a bunch of rednecks driving around in circles, one of them will inevitably slam into a wall going 200 mph every so often. For society's sake, we can only hope that none of those drivers knocked-up any 18-year-old groupies/aspiring Bachelor contestants before heading on to the big track in the sky.

...And by "big track in the sky," I mean Bristol.

While most race fans take to restrictor plates about as favorably as they would the spawn of Barack Obama and Richard Simmons, everyone knows that NASCAR's Sprint Cup winner has less to do with the driver and more with the car. It's kind of like going go-cart racing. If you make the mistake of picking the slow car, you can expect to get passed by the retarded 8-year-old kid who started behind you no matter how well you drive or how many times he hits the tires.

With all the talking, rubbin' and fighting going on at the races these days, NASCAR's really only one step away from pro wrestling. Since the sport already has heroes and villains amongst its fans, I'd like to see NASCAR diversify racially.

NASCAR just might be open to the idea too, as they recently denied PGA golfer Bubba Watson's request to drive his "General Lee" from the Dukes of Hazzard in a Parade Lap around the Phoenix International Speedway before a March 4th Sprint Cup race because of its depiction of the Confederate Flag on its roof.

Leave it to a dude named  "Bubba" from the "Redneck Coast" of Florida to want to rock the General Lee and its Confederate Flag at a NASCAR track. Then again, if Bubba Watson didn't do it, I'm pretty sure that Boo Weekley would have.

If many of the drivers are already on unequal playing fields in terms of the cars they drive, why not bring in an all African-American driving team and give them just a slight engine advantage over all the other teams?...Let's call it "NASCAR: Affirmative Traction" in order to remedy years and years of discrimination in the sport, including NASCAR actually taking a victory away from African-American driver Wendell Scott simply because the southern track he won at wasn't willing to crown a black winner.

Think of the ratings NASCAR would generate if that African-American team (sponsored by Cadillac, of course) parlayed that slight car advantage into a series of wins, and then played the heel by talking shit about the racial injustices of the South in their post race interviews. Of course, we'd have to ban guns and all beer sales from NASCAR tracks, so that just may end up being counterproductive in that it would alienate the target fan base.

My favorite part of this video is how the initial reaction of the crowd was to cheer when the school bus modified into a demolition derby racer crashed through the wall and into the stands.

I'd also like to see some changes made to increase driver strategy so the sport is not so car dependent. As NASCAR currently stands, the only strategic decision is when to gas up or get new tires, and frankly, that's no more strategic than running a routine errand on your way home from work. If you like the fights in NASCAR now, just wait until you see what would happen if drivers could earn bonus points, and cash them in by making rival drivers run extra laps or use restrictor plates.

(Who the Top 10 finishers in the 2012 Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. Jeremy Mayfield - I'm predicting a triumphant return to NASCAR this year for "The White Dragon" after the courts grant Mayfield's request to throw out his positive drug test for Meth, a failed follow-up drug test, and a subsequent arrest for possession of that same drug on the grounds that he was simply taking Clairitan D for allergies and Adderall for ADD. Mayfield brings a whole new meaning to the NASCAR phrase, "Need for speed."

Jeremy Mayfield may no longer be a NASCAR champion, but he's still the king of his own double-wide "Trailer Palace."

9. Kurt Busch - Kyle Bush lost his license to a DUI, but was able to continue racing. He was later named "Honorary Deputy" in the town where his DUI occurred after the Sheriff's Office unsuccessfully tried to cover-up his arrest. He also verbally assaulted ESPN's Dr. Jerry Punch after a race...What a guy.

8. Kyle Busch - This was ESPN NASCAR reporter Marty Smith's account of what took place when 65-year-old Richard Childress kicked a then 26-year-old Kyle Busch's ass for intentionally running into one of his team's cars. "He took off his wrist watch, walked up to Bush, got him in the headlock and went to beatin' on him...Just went to beatin' on his head." Throw in the fact that Kyle, like his brother Kurt, had his real life drivers license suspended, and these two are a modern day Frank and Jesse James.

7. Jimmie Johnson - Since NASCAR drivers aren't really athletes, traditional PED's like steroids and HGH really aren't necessary. Racers are more like truckers...So long as you give them some speed, a milk jug to piss into and a few white trash chicks show them their tits, they're pretty much in their happy place. Aside from their wives, the place where cheating comes into play in NASCAR is in the garage, and Jimmie Johnson's crew is no stranger to a few "performance enhancing slugs."  

6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - "Little E" is out to avenge his father's death...As soon as he's done making money off of his dear old dad's name.

A fridge full of nothing but Bud Light, Mountain Dew, frozen pizza and Lunchables; a neglected cat; and a book shelf with no books...Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s house on MTV's Cribs was pretty much just what I was expecting.

5. Jeff Gordon - It's not like Jeff Gordon tore an ACL and lost a step, or that his driving skills suddenly diminished. He's simply drawn the crappy car at the go-cart track the last few years. Plus with the motto of, "More rainbows and less elbows," he's the lone pacifist on the circuit.

4. Danica Patrick - A woman race car driver? What's next, an Asian? I was initially opposed to the thought of calling NASCAR a sport, or its drivers athletes. However, I became absolutely giddy at the thought of the "Go Daddy Girl" winning a couple of races and proving that she's on par or even athletically superior to the likes of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Tony Stewart. 

Not wanting to be outdone by her male NASCAR rivals, Danica Patrick finds out what it feels like to be on the other end of a "mamo-graph."

3. Carl Edwards - His ability to do a back-flip from the hood of his car after victories distinguishes Carl Edwards as the greatest athlete in NASCAR history. In fact, he just might be the only athlete in NASCAR history.  

2. Tony Stewart -It doesn't look good for the sport when NASCAR's "bad boy" gets his ass kicked after picking a fight with an Australian track owner. He also tried to go all "Billy Bad-Ass" and bully an officiating crew. Fortunately, he's never assaulted a woman...Oh wait, he's been accused of that too. At least we know that Danica Patrick won't get a free pass if she puts Tony Stewart into the Dale Earnhardt Sr. Memorial Wall at Turn 3 of the Daytona International Speedway...Tony might not win that fight based upon his past history, but at least we know that Danica won't be gettin' away with nuthin' just because she got "taters."


Somebody needs to remind Tony Stewart that being fat does not necessarily equate to being tough.

1. Kasey Kahne - Along with Tony Stewart and Kurt Busch, Kasey Kahne is one of three drivers in NASCAR's Top Ten from 2011 to have either physically or verbally assaulted a track official, a security guard, an announcer or a female fan. So the next time that any of you NASCAR fans from the Old South bitch about the NBA, or about something that a particular NBA player does, you need to think long and hard about your own before making any kind of judgment.

This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or any evangelical church for that matter.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Blogging Survivor: One World - "He can't be Tarzan, I'm Troyzan"

As the contestants gathered on the beach to await their tribal assignments for Survivor: One World, Jeff Probst asked a few introductory questions to get a feel for their personalities.

When he asked Colton about the other men in the game, the college student from rural Alabama put it all on the table and left no doubt that he was openly gay by responding, "There are some good looking guys. They're not as good looking as me, but they're good looking."

Just to get things straight, Colton is proud to be a Queen, not a King.

When Jeff asked Greg what his name was, the scruffy plastic surgeon belted out, "Tar-zan!" Jeff followed up by asking if that was really his birth name, and Greg responded by saying his birth name was "Greg Tar-zan," which is pretty much the same thing as "Greg Smith," the name listed on his CBS bio...So nice try, dick.

Troy seemed genuinely disappointed that Greg dubbed himself "Tarzan," as he whined, "He can't be Tarzan, I'm 'Troy-zan.'" Since Troy raises a family of pet monkeys, I don't doubt for a second that his plan to become "Troy-zan" simply fell victim to a slightly more aggressive middle aged douchebag. In fact, since Greg is a plastic surgeon and Troy is a swimsuit photographer, if Greg sends Troy a few post-op bimbos to get their pictures taken, I'm sure they can work through this and get along just fine.

When Jeff announced that the two tribes would be divided by gender, Colston looked like he took a crap in his John Sievers before he pouted, "I'm the girl within the guys tribe." Jeff then gave each tribe 60 seconds to unload supplies from a truck that they would be allowed take to their respective camps.

In a move that quickly created animosity between the two tribes, Jonas and Michael stole tools that the girls had set aside for themselves when they weren't paying attention. Kim called that incident as a bonding moment for the girls. "The girls were like 'women power,' which I'm not a big fan of, but I'm going with it!"

The two tribes struggled to lug their supplies through the jungle as they tried to follow maps to their respective camps, not yet realizing that they were one in the same. Jonas was impressed by Leif, who is just the third "little person" to participate on Survivor following Russell and Brandon Hantz. "The guy that impressed me the most...was Leif. He was carrying the heaviest thing out of anybody. He's a buff little dude."

Alicia, a special ed teacher from Chicago, quickly formed an alliance based upon her perception of who the four strongest women in the Salani Tribe were. Narcissisticly including herself, Alicia also sought out Chelsea, Kimberly, Sabrina and Kat. For the purpose of being politically incorrect, let's call them "Alicia and the Speds."

Because they were all "young, fit guys," Matt sought out an alliance with Mike, Jay and Bill. Matt quickly used his power to threaten Colton, who had instantly bonded with the ladies upon realizing that they'd be sharing the same camp. Colton realized that Matt was a dick, and pretty much just played along.

Colton seemed to strike a bond with Sabrina in particular, who gave him the nickname "Country Club Colton." As catchy as that may be, I'm not all that confident that it's going to stick. Personally, I'd go with the "Al Banana Slamma."

The tribes quickly realized that there were several "free range" chickens roaming near camp. Having access to organic food must have been exciting news for Kourtney (the tatted-up hipster motorcycle mechanic from Austin, TX), assuming that she wasn't on a vegan kick as hipsters like to do from time to time in order to get attention.

While the guys and the girls worked together to catch the chickens, it was Chelsea who caught not one, but two chickens on her own. More impressively, she caught the second one while she still had her hand rung around the neck of the first. The redneck girl from Charleston, SC pretty much took the saying, "A bird in hand beats two in the bush," and pissed down its throat.

In her free time, Chelsea also likes to kill dolphins.

When Matt asked Chelsea for one of the two chickens for the guys tribe since they had worked together to catch them, she balked, noting how the guys had stolen the girls tools and supplies. However, the tide quickly turned when the men were able to build fire on their own and the women weren't.

Desperate for fire for heat and to cook with, and perhaps sensing that she's not as hot as she thought she was, Alicia asked the men if they'd give the women some fire coals if Monica agreed to take her pants off or danced naked. Fortunately for her husband, ex-NFL Pro Bowler Brad Culpepper, Monica seemed more than willing to drop trow before the men rejected their offer.

No stranger to slutty women getting naked, swimsuit photographer Troy said, "The girls are so typical...I've been around for 50-years. Lady, you didn't come over here with your set of taters on you, and walkin' around in your bikini. You ain't gonna get fire from me."

In what could have been a brilliant move, Monica and Christina waited for the men to fall asleep before sneaking over and stealing some of their fire. However, their plan backfired when they let their newly acquired flame go out by the next morning. That left Christina to broker a deal for the men to build the women fire in return for the women weaving 20 palm-fronds for their shelter.

For some reason, Alicia took Christina's bartering as an indication that she was working with the men. Of course in doing so, she ignored the fact that she pretty much tried to do the same thing, only making the mistake of trying to use Monica's ass as currency instead of woven palm fronds, which were much more valuable to the men than old booty.

In a stroke of luck, Sabrina began searching for, and then immediately found a hidden Immunity Idol. Unfortunately for her, it was for the Monaro Tribe, and the instructions required her to give it to one of the men before Tribal Council.

Sabrina ended up giving her Idol to Colton, who previously declared finding the Idol his only way to stay in the game. "There's only two things gonna keep me in this game, and that's the Idol and Jesus, and he ain't showing up."

The first Immunity Challenge consisted of an obstacle course that included a long jump onto a cargo net. Kourtney appeared to land on her wrist, and Jeff halted the challenge in its initial stages when it appeared that she had substantially injured herself.

When Kourtney could not physically continue, Jeff gave the guys the option of sending the girls to Tribal Council or finishing the contest.

 Kourtney might have fractured her wrist in multiple places, but at least she stopped cutting herself.

When the guys elected to send the girls to Tribal Council, Troy explained, "There's no way you guys would say 'let's play on.' You just wouldn't do it, I just don't buy it. Kim played Devil's advocate for the girls by saying, "I'm from Texas, men are chivalrous, grew up watching westerns...No guy I know wouldn't made that choice."

At Tribal Council, Alicia made the unfortunate decision to call out Christina for bartering with the men to get fire. Much to Alicia's surprise, Christina stood up for herself after Alicia called her deal with the men "shady." When Alicia demanded to know why she snapped at her, Christina shot back, "Because you're wrong, okay? SO SHUT UP!"

A girl with glasses plus an attitude, I like it!

Not only did Alicia seem to lose face in front of her tribe, but her decision to confront Christina turned out to be insult on top of injury when Jeff announced that Kourtney had fractured her wrist in multiple places and would be unable to continue on with the game, eliminating the need for Salani to vote anyone out.