Sunday, May 24, 2015

Blogging Survivor: Worlds Apart - "Silly redneck, you're going to get what's coming."

The final episode of the season began with Carolyn forced to justify to her alliance why she didn't tell them she had an Immunity Idol.

After Carolyn reminded them that they tried to blindside her, and that they would have succeeded in voting her out had she not played it, the contestants all moved on to the final Reward Challenge.

That challenge required the players to navigate an obstacle course while retrieving tiles, and then using those tiles to solve a puzzle the fastest in order to receive time with a loved one from back home.

Mike ended up winning the challenge, along with time with his mother and an advantage at the next Immunity Challenge.

Mike's mom got to spend the night at camp, and seemed impressed that Mike wasn't as fat as he used to be.

As for the Immunity Challenge advantage, Mike got to spend 30 minutes alone with his mom going through a maze that the players were going to have to navigate while blindfolded.

That advantage ended up coming in handy, as Mike easily won Immunity for the 4th time.

With Immunity in hand, Mike cut final three deals with Sierra and Carolyn, as well as Rodney and Will heading into Tribal Council.

In the end, Sierra was voted out, as Mike decided to go with his "bros" over the "ho's."

With Sierra gone, the final four competitors moved on to the next Immunity Challenge, which was yet another knot maze/obstacle course to find pieces and solve a a puzzle.

Right on cue, Mike won Immunity yet again, putting him in elite company in Survivor history with five Immunity wins, for which he gave praise to his lord and savior, Richard Hatch.

While Rodney was convinced that Mike would keep Will and himself safe over Carolyn, Will wasn't so sure, and rightfully so.

Sure enough, Mike promised Carolyn that he wouldn't vote her out, but also added the caveat that he wanted the vote to come down to a tie where she and Will would have to make fire the fastest in order to stay in the game.

So in other words, Mike wasn't so much promising her that he'd keep her safe as he was trying to tell her, "Go out in the woods and practice building fire."

Of course, "Momma C" was unable to start a fire even after practicing with the tribe's flint, leaving her "advantage" going into Tribal Council in question.

At Tribal Council, the vote did in fact come down to a tie between Carolyn and Rodney, just as Mike had indicated, which lead to them squaring off in a fire making contest to make it to the final three.

However, both Carolyn and Rodney exhausted their flints without being able to make fire...Several times.

After over an hour, Rodney was finally able to start his fire first, but Carolyn followed by getting hers going immediately after he did.

And while Rodney started off a bit quicker, Carolyn built a better base and ended up winning.

That left Mike as a Blue-Collar, Will as a No-Collar, and Carolyn as a White-Collar in the final three.

Boston Guy wasn't too happy with the way he went out, delusionally thinking that he would have won the whole game had Mike not sent him to the fire making competition.

In fact, he almost seemed to threaten him.

"For this scumbag redneck to make it into a fire making competition...You scared little baby. Silly redneck, you're going to get what's coming."

After Boston Guy's gracious exit, we went straight to the Final Tribal Council, where all of the bitter losers on the Jury got to take their shots at the final three contestants, as well as Jeff Probst.

Mike ended up defeating Carolyn and Will in the Jury Vote, and thanked Jesus Christ for paying the price for his sins "many years ago."

Apparently Mike had an open line of credit with "The Almighty," as it soon came out that Mike had intentionally lied to his BFF, Dan, during the game.

Rodney LaVoie, having calmed down from his tantrum upon exiting the show, apparently spared no expense at the Salvation Army for his suit for the finale.

The final few minutes was reserved for the few, the proud, and the bitter....Namely Dan and Shirin.

Dan had a bone to pick with Jeff Probst, claiming that he was misportrayed on the show, claiming that no matter what the cameras appeared to show, he's really smart and doesn't hate women.

And after Dan gave specific references to when and how his quotes were taken out of context, Jeff went back to the uncut footage, which proved his claims to be erroneous...He really was nothing more than a misogynistic postal worker.

Shirin tried to claim that public opinion was against Will after she falsely accused him of stealing/hording food, which, at least according to the reactions I received via this blog and on Twitter, was not the case the case at all.

And while Will even went as far to offer up an apology to Shirin, who was actually the one in the wrong, she refused to accept it. Actually, she didn't end up flat out rejecting it outright, but she added so many conditions to accepting it that the broadcast ran out of time.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

The Bachelorette Blog - "Meet the Cast"

The new season of The Bachelorette is upon us.

This year ABC is starting with two different Bachelorettes, Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson, with rumor having it that only one of the two will make it to the second show.

Further rumor has it that Britt will be the one going home.

As we all know, Kaitlyn is a...Well, let's just say that we know she's from Canada. We also know that she's not afraid to tell dirty jokes or moon a camera if it gets her a laugh.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe dropping trow and showing the North Americas her Canadian ass. 

As usual, the casting call for The Bachelorette brought out the worst that "man" kind has to offer: Ed Hardy t-shirts, personal trainers, aspiring actors/models/musicians, and soccer players.

With that said, let's take a look at Kaitlyn's...I mean Kaitlyn and Britt's prospective men.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of the guys on the show this season, and my initial impressions of them from their bio's and social media pages:

Brady Toops - A former baseball player at the University of Arkansas, Brady Toops decided to give up a minor league career in order to move to Nashville and wear "deep-V" shirts...I mean become country singer, which speaks volumes about his character...Only in the worst possible way.

Brady Toops is rumored to have left The Bachelorette in order to date Britt Nilsson after she was not chosen to be The Bachelorette by a majority of the guys.  

Ryan McDill - Ryan McDill is the owner of "All Star Auto Parts," which when you look into it, is really just a junkyard. Given that he works with trash for a living, that makes McDill's long term relationship with Nikki Ferrell (before she won The Bachelor with Juan Pablo) make all that more sense.

Ryan McDill is Nikki Ferrell's ex-boyfriend. You may remember her from when she "won" the right to be Juan Pablo's bitch.

Clint Arlis - A former collegiate wrestler at Illinois, Clint Arlis describes himself as "cocky and confident" and is currently an architectural project engineer in Chicago.

Clint Arlis seems like the type of guy who would come to your party and secretly pee in your ice box when no one was looking. 

Corey Stansell - Corey Stansell once owned a "College Hunks Hauling Junk" franchise, which means that he used to work for Ryan McDill (see above).

I love that Corey Stansell apparently thought so much of his volleyball skills to hash tag his own name on his photos. 

Shawn Booth - Shawn Booth is a former college soccer player who went to become a group fitness trainer in Nashville. His bio indicates that he likes "Bro Country" and One Direction, which seems about right for a soccer player.

As a "bro," we should all pray for Shawn Booth's future.

Ryan Beckett - An "equestrian real estate agent" from Boca Raton, FL, Ryan Beckett lists his hobbies as playing polo, show jumping, golf, tennis and sailing.

Basically Ryan Beckett is the douchey white guy in every John Cusack movie in the 1980's. 

Daniel Finney - Daniel Finney describes himself as a socialite and philanthropist from Nashville, which basically means that he throws keggers and gives his guests cab money to get home. He also has his own clothing and furniture lines where he uses reclaimed materials.

Daniel Finney is obviously just came on The Bachelorette to promote his clothing line, so let's just show his his tablecloths and get it over with. 

Shawn Evans - While he describes himself as a "realtor" from Ontario, Shawn Evans also turns out to be an "amateur sex coach," and while I was afraid to Google what that means, I'm 100% sure it means he has to register with authorities and can't live withing 500 yards of a school or park.

Shawn Evans also bills himself as a "single dad." Unfortunately, his daughter lives with her mother, not him, so while he's technically single, he's not really much of a "dad."

J.J. Lane III - J.J. Lane is a single dad from Denver who describes himself as an entrepreneur.

Unlike Shawn Evans, we have evidence that J.J. Lane III actually gets to see his kid. 

Tanner Tolbert - Tanner Tolbert, an assistant finance manager for Honda in Kansas City, is yet another dude who loves "Bro Country." I don't get it.

Tanner Tolbert: Unlike casting calls for The Bachelor, The Bachelorette apparently didn't require the prospective contestants to take their shirts off. 

Ben Higgins -
 Ben Higgins is business analyst from Denver...That's pretty much it.

Ben Higgins...Not sure how he got on the show.

Ben Zorn - A former football player at San Jose State, Ben Zorn is now a fitness trainer and lists his biggest accomplishment as obtaining his certification as a personal trainer.

Ben Zorn: Becoming a personal trainer is kind of the adult equivalence of passing the Presidential Physical Fitness Test back in grade school. Sure you get a nice certificate, but it doesn't mean anything more than you being able to do the "flex arm hang."  

Bradley Cox - Bradley Cox is a former D-1 collegiate tennis player, and now sells cars in Atlanta.

Bradley Cox said in his bio that he would want to be Tom Brady, so he could play in prime time and go home to have sex with a super model who looks like a dude. 

Chris Strandburg - Currently a dentist in Nashville, Chris Strandburg was once an Abercrombie model and a contestant on The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency.

So in other words, Chris Strandburg is either gay, or he's covered in Janice Dickenson's stink. Either way, his past is not going to go over well on the show. 

Cory Shivar - Cory Shivar indicated that his biggest fear about a date is finding out that she's really a dude, so he had to be relieved when this year's Bachelorette wasn't Jillian Anderson from last season with Chris Soules.

Cory Shivar graduated Cum Laudie in Construction Management, which is kind of like graduating at the top of your class in psychology...You still didn't really go to college.   

David Blackguy David is a 26-year-old real estate agent in Orlando, which after the housing market crash in central Florida, has to be about as difficult as being one of the token black guys on The Bachelorette.

David I'm not really sure what David's real last name is, and I'm not really sure that he'll be around long enough for me to find out.

Ian Thompson - Ian Thompson went to Princeton, only to settle to become a "recruiter," showing just how bad the economy is these days.

Ian Thompson 

Jared Haibon - Jared Haibon lists himself as an aspiring actor/model, but he's really just a restraurant manager given that he's 26 and still lives in Rhode Island.

Jared Haibon: Somebody got suckered into buying "glamour shots" at the mall!

Joe Bailey - Joe Bailey is an insurance salesman. He also calls himself a racehorse owner, but lives in the part of Kentucky where they don't grow thoroughbreds, so I'm thinking this guy is full of shit.

Joe Bailey apparently got his casting call one year too late, as he's on record as saying, "I would totally appear on The Bachelorette to fall in love with Andi Dorfman. Sadly, that says as much about his taste in women as it does about his intentions for this season. 

Jonathan Holloway - A 33-year-old auto spokesman from Detroit, Jonathan  claims to "Always try to listen to a woman's needs, not just in the bedroom," which is his polite way of saying that he "doesn't go down."

Jonathan Holloway: There are token reality show black guys, and then there are black guys from Detroit. Ever since VH-1 cancelled their dating shows, they all end up on The Bachelorette.

Josh Seiter - Josh is a 27-year-old law student from Chicago.

Josh Seiter is also a stripper by night, proving that some people really do put themselves through law school by stripping, it's just that none of them are women. 

Joshua Albers - Joshua Albers actually majored in theater at Idaho State University, which was his way of trying to tell his friends and family that he was gay before he went to technical college and became a welder.

Joshua Albers, showing the perils of bad tattoos. When you live in cool places, you get talented artists who ink your designs. When you live in Idaho, you get little kids who color starfish and drink coasters on your arms in permanent marker. 

Justin Reich - Justin Reich is a personal trainer and single dad from Illinois.

Given that it looks like he has his son at a monster truck rally, the state of Illinois might want to reconsider Justin Reich's custody arrangement (in fairness to Justin, at least he made his kid wear earphones).

Kupah James - A 32-year-old "Entrepreneur" from Boston, Kupah James apparently thinks that having a Macbook and an iTunes account makes you a D.J.

Is it a coincidence that Kupah James set up his D.J. table along side what appears to be a group of fat white women doing yoga? Yeah, that was a rhetorical question. 

Tony Harris - Tony Harris is a 35-year-old "healer" from St. Louis. If I was on the show, the first thing I would do is punch him in the face.

A "healer" like Tony Harris seems like a better match for somebody like Jenny McCarthy than Kaitlyn Bristowe. 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Blogging Survivor: Worlds Apart - "A reward that will fix wishin'!"

This week's episode of Survivor began with everyone in "The Alliance" against Mike, who had managed to stay in the game the last two weeks only by winning Personal Immunity and playing a Hidden Immunity Idol.

Dan even drew a line in the sand regarding Mike saying, "I have zero interest in working with Mike...It's the fact that he's so arrogant, he's so condescending. To Hell with Mike, to Hell with his Idol!"

Dan Foley then started to hallucinate, and began eating an imaginary cheeseburger. 

The Reward Challenge was yet another obstacle course, where the teams divided into teams of three and raced to release puzzle pieces, and then solve that puzzle in order to win a helicopter ride and a surf and turf dinner.

Unfortunately, neither team was initially able to solve the puzzle, which Jeff Probst hinted as being a phrase that he had said "over and over" throughout the years as the host of the game.

That caused Boston Guy to guess, "A reward that will fix wishin!", as even Dan laughed at him.

Apparently Rodney Lavoie, Jr. and Brandon Hantz tied in their Survivor "Wonderlick" scores at "0."

Mike, Carolyn and Will correctly guessed, "A reward with all the fixin's," causing Rodney to lose yet another Reward Challenge.

Carolyn debated out loud about weather or not to keep her reward or give it to Rodney, but in the end she embarrassed him by announcing, "Alright, I'm going to keep it."

Back at camp, Boston Guy began to plot his revenge for Carolyn not giving him her reward despite the fact that she won and he didn't, if that makes any sense.

The Immunity Challenge saw the players using grappling hooks to retrieve a bag of balls, and then try to use those balls to solve a table maze.

Apparently having growin up without a dad, Boston Guy proved to be unable to throw his hook better than any of the girls.

Equally as uncoordinated, Dan exclaimed, "I suck at life"

Jeff Probst gave the play by play, exclaiming, "Mike is in that inner circle! He just has has to drop it in that final hole...Mike is in the hole! He's back out!"

And after Mike got done having sex with Sierra, he went on to win Individual Immunity and said, Thank you Jesus," referring to having sex with Sierra, not winning Immunity.

With Mike winning Immunity and "The Alliance" forced to turn on each other, Dan was of the belief that Carolyn, who had a Hidden Immunity Idol at her disposal, was the next in the pecking order to go, while the rest of the tribe was considering voting Dan out.

But when "The Alliance" gave that information to Mike, he decided to use it to his advantage and approached Dan to get him, and his extra vote, on his side.

Of course Dan was in denial, and even said, "Mike has the audacity, the unmitigated gall, to look at me and say, 'I can save you!'"

At Tribal Council, Boston Guy was asked about how much he trusted his fellow alliance members.

"At day 35, trust is is uh...Let me think, I'm kind of, out of my mind right now a little bit."

Jeff Probst referred to Boston Guy's fatigue asking, "Your brain really has to work hard to try and form a sentence?"

Rodney Lavoie's inability to form a sentence had had less to do with fatigue than it had to do with him being a "Bro" from Boston.

Sure enough, Rodney had to ask Jeff, "So, what was the question again?"

After the votes were cast, Dan decided to play his advantage, which as most everyone knew, was getting to cast two votes at a Tribal Council, and he foolishly cast them both for Carolyn.

Carolyn then boldly proclaimed, "I'm not taking any chances, Jeff," as she played her Idol and said, "I'm not going home tonight."

As it turned out, that play saved Carolyn's ass, as she received 5 votes to Dan's 2, but none of the votes against her counted, sending Dan's foolish ass back home to Maine.

And with the game down to five players and Carolyn realizing that her alliance had attempted to turn against her, we're left wondering, 'Can Mike flip Carolyn and Sierra and change the game?'

Friday, May 8, 2015

Blogging Survivor: Worlds Apart "It's just my old fat ass"

This week's episode of Survivor began with Mike, the only player who wasn't part of the dominant alliance, holding a Hidden Immunity Idol that the others all knew about.

"U Can't Do That" - By holding onto an Immunity Idol, Mike Holloway
all but assured that he couldn't be voted out this week.

That meant, in all likelihood, that the alliance would be forced to vote one of their own out this week, assuming that Mike played his Idol.

Knowing that either he, or someone in his alliance would be going home, Dan was paranoid after having received two votes at the previous Tribal Council, tipping him off that he was at the ass end of their totem pole.
And honestly, if I was designing a totem pole, I'd want this image of Dan Foley at the bottom of it. 

But before things got real, the Reward Challenge saw the players divide into two tribes and navigate a maze, and then launch the balls that they collected into a series of net targets on a slanted wooden platform.

The prize for the winning team was getting to deliver supplies to some local orphans, as well as having a BBQ feast with the local village that they were helping.

Ironically, Rodney forgot the grab the balls for the blue team, which was pretty much all you can assume a dude from Boston would be good at.

Rodney's gaff allowed Mike, Sierra and Carolyn to win the reward, although he still tried to guilt one of them into giving up their spot to him because it was his birthday and he was yet to win a Reward Challenge.

Unfortunately for Rodney, nobody was buying in on his sob story, which caused him to mope, "0-5 in Reward Challenges, and a bunch of scumbags who neglected me on my birthday."

Rodney's victim attitude caused Carolyn to comment, "When you think about it, this is not a horrible birthday, you're on Survivor for God's sake!"

While the winners were off getting their reward, Rodney came up with the plan to say he had
"checked out," and that he wanted to be voted out of the game as a ploy to lull Mike into not playing his Immunity Idol.

That caused Dan appease Rodney by saying, "I think it's pretty smart," before telling the camera, "I do not think for a second that it's going to work, and that's alright with me. Let him have his moment of explosion."

And when Rodney asked everyone else, "Why would he play it if I'm acting so good?",  Tyler deadpanned, "Because it's Survivor."

Sure enough, when Mike first heard Rodney try to sell his story, he didn't buy it.

"I see right through the plan. Try to make me feel like I'm safe so I don't play my Idol. That ain't happening brother. (I'm) not an idiot. Just because I talk slow, doesn't mean I think slow.

The much important Immunity Challenge had the competitors balance on a small ledge and lean back while hanging onto a rope, and then give the rope more slack while leaning back even farther as the challenge progressed.

Rodney tried to sell his sob story of why he was eliminated by saying he just wasn't into it when he let go, while Dan was a little more honest when he said, "It's just my old fat ass Jeff."

Carolyn ended up winning over Tyler, which left Dan as the obvious target in the event that Mike played his Idol.

However, Dan realized as much, and still had an extra vote in his pocket as his advantage from the auction.

At Tribal Council, Tyler seemed secure when Jeff asked him about the prospect of getting voted out. "Would I be surprised? Yes."
At least Tyler Fredrickson finally found something that would allow him to keep wearing a helmet after his playing days at Cal wound up. 

In the end, Dan voted to send Mike home, which could have sealed his own fate, but as it turned out, he must have known something, as Tyler was the one who was voted out in a major blindside.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Blogging SURVIVOR: Worlds Apart - "I love cheeseburgers!"

This week's episode of Survivor began with Shirin trying to explain her aggressive reaction after getting called out by Will for falsely accusing him of hoarding tribal food, when he in fact had kindly offered to share all of his personal winnings from the food auction with the rest of the tribe.

Shirin defended herself by saying, "I have this "Pavlov's Dog" reaction to men yelling at me," which she attributed to her biological father verbally abusing her, and was apparently her way of telling everyone that she spent her early twenties as a stripper.

Even Dan seemed to see through her saying, "Shirin is a drama queen, she is a two faced liar, she loves to play the victim," which again, seemed to confirm that she used to be a stripper.

The Reward Challenge saw the tribe divide into two different teams, where they were only allowed to use barrels and planks to get themselves across a field without anyone, or their planks, touching the ground, with the winning team earning a catamaran cruise with a burger bar and pies for dessert.

That seemed to spark Dan Foley, who put up the fight of his life as he declared, "I love cheeseburgers!"

And the moral of the story turned out to be "never underestimate a hungry fat guy," as Dan, Tyler, Will and Carolyn ended up winning with their slow and conservative approach.

At camp, Rodney, a loser in every challenge so far, declared that he needed some "Rodney time," while Mike and the rest of their team decided to choke a chicken.

The Immunity Challenge required the competitors to hold on to a rope that was attached to bag with 25 percent of their body weight, with the winner for both the males and females gaining Immunity.

Sadly, Dan was eliminated before the contest event started, as he was unable to lift his 75 pounds.

Carolyn ended up winning Immunity for the women, while Mike proved to be stronger than Rodney and held on the longest for the men.

Back at camp, Shirin tried to make a case for staying in the game by saying how awful of a player she was.

Unfortunately, she was talking to Dan who said, "Of course I'd love to sit next to Shirin in the finals, nobody likes her."

Meanwhile, Tyler went through Dan's bag, and found out that he had earned an extra vote at a Tribal Council from the advantage that he won at last week's auction.

While Shirin and Dan both looked to be in trouble, in addition to having won Individual Immunity, Mike also had a Hidden Immunity Idol, which he considered giving to Shirin heading into Tribal Council, as he said, "just to shake things up."

At Tribal Council, Shirin campaigned to stay in the game by calling out Tyler, who despite being solid in his alliance, was the biggest threat as the games' best physical player.

Then again, Tyler Fredricks was a soccer player. 

But when Mike chimed in to sell voting him out too, Tyler jumped in and pointed out how Mike couldn't be trusted after flipping on his own alliance last week.

"And they're listening to you because your loyalty has been spot on in the last week?"

Why in pink Mike Holloway? Why in pink?

When Jeff asked Mike if he had anything to say, he jumped in and said, "Yeah, absolutely, I know Shirin and I are not going home tonight," as he indicated that he was going to give Shirin his Immunity Idol.

Mike then went on to say, "Here's the plan, Jeff. Shirin's voting for Tyler, I'm voting for one of the other four who doesn't have Immunity, and uh, you take your chances," making it know that the smart play for the alliance members would be to vote out Tyler if they wanted to assure their own safety.

Shirin voted for Tyler as planned, and even had the balls to add a little cut at him by saying, "Just sit there and look pretty."

Of course, after everyone voted, Mike said to Shirin, "I love you girl," but failed to give her his Immunity Idol as he had indicated.

And when the votes were read, Mike's selfishness failed him, or at least it failed Shirin, as the alliance held strong and she was voted out.

That left Mike with an Immunity Idol, but no allies left in the game.