Saturday, December 21, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "Can I kneel like I'm being knighted?"



Realizing that the fate of his game rested in Monica's hands as the swing vote yet again this week, Tyson offered her his Immunity Idol to reward her for being a good dog and not voting against him last week.

The final Redemption Challenge of the season required the contestants to balance a vase on the opposite end of a teeter totter with just one foot.

And just moments after he said that he was excited to be competing against two grandmas in Tina and Laura M., Hayden wiped brow and somehow lost control of his vase.

Meanwhile, Laura M. asked Tina to let her win...You know, because Tina had clearly spent the past 30 days emaciating herself simply give her chance to remain in the game to someone she barely knew.

Seriously, Tina didn't even let her own daughter win a Redemption Challenge, so why would she let Laura M. win when we all know that she'd just blow any winnings on another set of fake boobs.

And with Tina telling Laura M., "No way sister...This is a million dollar challenge," Tina went on to win, sending Laura M. out of the game and to the Jury.

It was only after her mom was eliminated that Ciera finally showed her some love.

"I'm so proud of you...You've shown me out here how to be a better friend, how to a better woman, and how to be a better mom more than anything, and I love you so much."

And while that sentiment was nice, Ciera Eastin forgot about that whole "needs to work on being a better daughter" thing.

However, since Laura M. was not used to expecting much from her promiscuous daughter, she bought in completely saying, "How can you walk away saying you lost after that?"

 Somehow I'm thinking that Laura Moffit will change that opinion after she watches her own daughter throw her under the bus...But at least she got to show her nipples on national TV.

Having earned the right to return to the game, Tina kept the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol not realizing that Tyson had already found it.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to hold onto a on rope to balance a leveling table while retrieving and stacking ten blocks without any of them falling.

And when Tyson won, guarantying himself a spot in final four he arrogantly asked Jeff Probst, "Can I kneel like I'm being knighted?" as he was receiving the Immunity Necklace.

Better yet, Tyson Apostol declared that he wanted to keep his Hidden Immunity Idol as a souvenir for his "girlfriend," Rachel...Why do I think that while Tyson may go down to his knees many times in his life, none of them will be for a girl.

Even though Monica held the swing vote, Gervase disagreed with her on who to target at Tribal Council.

And instead of kissing her ass like Tyson did, Gervase got angry.

"I've had enough crap that she's spewing to me right now, because it makes no sense. I'm like puffing my chest up right now turning into a bully, leaning into her like, 'woman are you crazy?'"

And it was only then that it seemed like Monica was finally coming to her senses.

"I've been bullied, and bullied, and bullied this entire game by everyone. It hurts, I'm over it, I'm done...It's my time, and you all need me, and you know what, if you're in an alliance with someone you better be nice, because in the end you really might need 'em."

Sure enough, obsessed with making it her own call and shedding the label of Tyson's lap dog, Monica went to Tina and Ciera about the possibility of going after Gervase. 

At Tribal Council, Monica was still torn saying, "You just feel like you want to die inside...And tonight is MY strategic move...for Monica, and not anybody else."

And with that declaration Gervase said, "My heart just dropped out my chest."

Because Monica didn't seem to be able to hold her cards quietly, Tyson gave his Hidden Immunity Idol to Gervase.

However, Monica actually ended up going with Tyson and Gervase and voted Ciera out, and was pissed that Tyson gave up his Idol to Gervase without cluing her in first.

The final Immunity Challenge required the competitors to go through obstacle course, collect puzzle bags, go down water slide, solve puzzle, and then undo a puzzle lock.

Stepping up his game, Tyson won Immunity again, guarantying himself a spot in final Tribal Council.

While Monica had a chance to make a big move and eliminate Gervase to shed the perception that she was just Tyson's lap dog and go along with her numerous competition victories, she once again decided to stay with the status quo and voted out Tina.

Sadly, Monica just seemed content to make it to the final three...and to talk about herself in the third person.

"It's just amazing, the final three, and Monica did it without Brad, and without her safety net, and without anybody else...And the mom found herself, and became Monica again."

And with that we flash back twenty-five years...Where Monica Culpepper was attached to her husband Brad's side like a lap dog.

At the Final Tribal Council, Gervase delivered a confusing speech where he claimed that he went from being an old school player to a new school player, which did little to explain why people shouldn't view him as a terrible player.

Monica did her best to explain how she was not Tyson and Gervase's dog on a leash, saying that she elected to stay with them "because I have less blood on my hands, and less broken promises,"thereby making it seem like she simply road their coattails.

Meanwhile, Tyson claimed that he was target "numero uno from the get go," which forced him to make strategic moves and win challenges when he had to.

The three remaining finalists then took questions from the Jury.

Katie confronted Tyson about his comment where he said that he didn't do anything in the game out of malice, pointing out how he faked consoling her and then maliciously told her to head to the Jury after she lost out by drawing the odd rock.

Caleb asked Monica to tell him something from her heart that was not calculated. In response, she cried and told him how she had always been ashamed of just being Brad Culpepper's fuck toy.

Tyson told Ciera how he considered himself a hero, not a villain, clearly changing America's perception of him in the process.

Tina asked each finalist for one word to describe themselves. Gervase went with "honorable," Monica said "generous," and Tyson called himself, "fun loving"...Only Monica answered that question correctly.

Laura M. asked Monica a tough question about showing her true self, which actually probably did Monica more good than anything else.

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And while Monica put up a good fight, Tyson ended up winning, and as much as I hate to admit it because he's a fucking douche, deservedly so.

At the Reunion Show, even Jeff Probst seemed surprised that Tyson won saying, "Not that I don't like the other Tyson..I like seeing this guy that can clearly form a sentence, can stay on track, and has a beautiful girlfriend."

That caused Tyson to concur, "Yeah, I hate that guy," referring to himself and concurring with all of America.

Jeff Probst did commend Ciera for playing her own game and not being content to ride somebody else's coattails...Like Monica. "For those watching at home, that is how you play, you don't play for four!"

Rupert claimed that he had no regrets about sacrificing his own game for his wife's. "I love the game, but my wife comes first."

Fortunately for his wife Laura, Rupert was cool with her having revealed that she had a penis. "And she did good!"

Hayden revealed that he and Kat were still together, even though she got a Kate Gosselin haircut.

Of course, it probably helped that Kat Edorsson revealed that she got fake boobs after the show.

Sadly, we also learned that Tina's son died in a car accident shortly after she returned home because he wasn't wearing seat belt.

Finally, it was announced that the next season of Survivor would be Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty, which sounds a lot like there's going to be returning players.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "And Gervase is no star in the water!"




After pulling off the impossible and getting Ciera to change her vote at Tribal Council last week, Hayden was shocked that he was still alive.

"I'm fighting for my life in the game, and the very next moment we're drawing rocks and I realized, this worked!"

Because he tipped Ciera off that she was on the ass end of their alliance, Tyson was pissed at Gervase, who tends to let emotion dictate his actions and words.

Gervase Peterson is a Survivor legend in his own mind.

"You can't ever let the person on the bottom know they're going home, that's Survivor 101. You have to give them hope, you have to tell them somebody else's name."

With Katie joining her mom at Redemption Island, Tina seemed conflicted saying, "It's one thing to go against you in that battling ram thing. It's another thing here at the end...I would not be opposed to letting you win"

However, unlike Ciera, Katie loves her mom, and told Tina to play her hardest at the Redemption Challenge.

The Redemption Challenge itself required the contestants to tie sticks together to make a pole, retrieve a series of keys, and open locks.

With Laura winning yet another elimination challenge, Ciera told her mother how she loved her...But only because she needed the clue to the Immunity Idol that she thought was back in play.

Electing to compete her hardest, Tina soundly defeated her daughter for second place, sending Katie to the Jury, but not after completing a much needed diet.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of diving in the water and moving a buoy through an obstacle course, retrieving a bag of puzzle pieces, and solving a letter puzzle.

Gervase pulled out to a solid lead for second to last place, causing Jeff Probst to exclaim, "Gervase is even beating Ciera, and Gervase is no star in the water," which was just another way of saying, "Gervase is black!"

So let me get this straight...Ciera can come from behind and win a Survivor Immunity Challenge puzzle, but she couldn't figure out one of those circular day coded birth control packets during high school?

However, in a role reversal from high school, Ciera was the one who came from behind and won Immunity.

In addition to Immunity, Ciera also won a personal menu selection for both herself and a friend. And with Hayden joining her for cheeseburgers and pizza, Katie was disappointed that she got voted out just one week too early.

Ciera tried to get Monica to flip against Tyson and Gervase, telling her how Tyson was calling her his "puppy."

Sure enough, that caused Monica to cry as she said it was now "a me game," as she realized that she was the swing vote.

On the other hand, Gervase said "I have not doubt in my mind she's not going to sway."

Of course, Gervase also told Hayden that he was definitely going home last week and that he was "the greatest reality star" before the season began, so we have to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

Tribal Council Monica admitted that what Ciera told her hurt, and that "a new side of me has come out."

Testing her on that comment, Hayden tried to punch Monica right in her lady parts.

"The perception that I have and that Ciera has is that you're Tyson's lapdog, and that he's using you all the way to the end. You know Brad's going to see that, your kids are going to see that, and right now is a time when you can show everybody that you're a strong independent woman."

However, Hayden didn't realize that Monica had withstood much stronger sexual poundings than that from Brad, and she went along with Tyson and Gervase to vote Hayden out 3-2.

And with Hayden headed to Exile Island and the season finale coming up this Sunday, America was left to wonder...When the fuck is the last person to win a Redemption Challenge going to rejoin the game?

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "I don't have pockets, so I have to put it right in my crotch, where nobody will suspect a bulge"



After his closest ally got voted to Redemption Island last week, Hayden congratulated Tyson on his blindside of Caleb.

In an attempt shake things up, Hayden went to say, "I hope everybody here likes second place...Because if Tyson goes to the end, he's winning. Because he's playing one hell of a game, pure poetry."

Like an idiot, Gervase jumped in yelling, "Hey, hey, hey hey! Tyson can't do nothing if it wasn't for me! Tyson wouldn't be where he's at if it wasn't for me!"

Of course, Gervase Peterson probably should have saved that for his jury speech, because that was pretty much the same as yelling, "You guys better vote me out too!"

While Tyson's brain may not have liked Hayden putting a target on him like that, his ego did.

"I didn't really like how Hayden threw me under the bus...It was nice to hear, but it does put a little bit of a target on my back. I wish I hadn't played the Idol."

Upon arriving at the Redemption Challenge Caleb whined about getting blindsided at the last tribal Council.

Forgetting that he had disregarded his "southern gentleman" handshake with Brad Culpepper earlier in the season, Caleb complained, "A man's word is a man's word, and in the south it means something, and in the game of Survivor and Utah and Philly it just doesn't mean as much."

Then again, the guy who made it a point to bring his University of Alabama hat onto the show probably shouldn't get a vote on loyalty until after he's on the break-up end of a relationship with Nick $aban...That should give Caleb Bankston about one more week before he can talk.

Of course, Gervase aptly pointed out how Caleb "tried to do us dirty first, so we got smart and did it to them before they did it to us, so I think that's sore loser status there."

The Redemption Challenge was a race to build house of cards either 8 feet tall or whoever had the highest one after 30 minutes.

Laura M. won easily, and gave the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol to her daughter Ciera, who decided to keep it.

And while Tina blew her big lead for second place with just three minutes remaining, Caleb inexplicably tried to keep building his house and was eliminated from the show when his tower collapsed with just 30 seconds left despite a safe advantage.

Jeff Probst commended Caleb on his game saying, "I'm guessing you impressed a lot of people with your work ethic and the way you handled Colton."

Jeff then did his best to convince Caleb that he was too good for Colton by adding, "Your relationship is still a mystery to me."

And when Jeff asked Caleb how similar he and Colton were, Caleb could only respond, "We're both guys, even though his estrogen level is probably a bit higher than mine."

As other players commend Laura on her amazing success in Redemption Challenges, her daughter Ciera said, "This is the first Redemption Island I've gone to where I was like, "Mom you better pull this one out.'"

Of course, it wasn't out of loyalty to her mother (who stuck by her despite one or two teen pregnancies) that she was pulling for her, but because she knew the Hidden Immunity Idol was back in play and she just wanted the clue.

Not realizing that she was number four of four in their alliance, Ciera shared her clue with Gervase, Tyson and Monica.

Of course, Hayden and Katie decide to spy on her, and saw them looking in trees near the well, which tipped them off to where the Idol might be hidden.

Of course, Hayden was standing right under the tree with the Idol but didn't realize it. That allowed Tyson to later climb up that same tree and find the Idol.

Deciding to stay silent about the Idol and keep it for himself, what Tyson lacked in chivalry, he made up for in logic.

"I don't have pockets, so I have to put it right in my crotch, where nobody will suspect a bulge."

Tyson Apostol is right, if there's one place on him where nobody will suspect a bulge, it's in his crotch.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of navigating an obstacle course while balancing a ball on top of lengths of pole, and then tossing sandbags to knock down pins once they successfully made it through the course.

Gervase won Immunity, as well as a reward of an ice cream social. He then elected to take Monica and Tyson with him, leaving Ciera hanging on the ass end...Just like when she was in high school.

Ciera Eastin

And as Ciera stood and watched the rest of her alliance eat ice cream, the former teen hellion sadly asked, "Is that a beer?" Fortunately for Tyson, Gervase and Monica it was only root beer, and Ciera forgave them.

Still, even after being slighted by her alliance, Ciera made it known that she had no intention of flipping.

"Part of my strategy has been making Hayden and Katie feel like they have a glimmer of hope, but I have no intention of doing anything with Hayden and Katie." 

And as Tyson walked up, Hayden matter of factly said to him, "I'm just sitting here trying to convince everybody to blindside you, but it hasn't worked...You know I love you, but I'm just trying to play the game."

At Tribal Council, Hayden tried to convince the others that Tyson was running the game. Jeff Probst even chimed in, reminding Ciera how she was the one alliance member left out of the ice cream social.

However, all was well until Monica fucked up and told Ciera not to join Hayden and and Katie because "fourth is better than sixth," flat out telling her where she stood.

That gave Hayden an in, who quickly pointed out to Ciera, "If you came on this side there is no four, five or six, there's one, two and three."

Realizing that his alliance was caving in faster than Michael Jackson's face, Gervase interjected, "That's incorrect!" Of course, Hayden indignantly retorted, "What do you mean that's incorrect?!!?"

And when Gervase tried to remind Ciera that they were the "honest ones," everyone in the jury just started laughing at him.

Gervase then made things even worse by saying, "There is no jumping ship in this alliance, it's one, two, three and four, as he pointed directly at Ciera at "four."

And while Gervase started yelling, "Hayden, guess what, you're going on the jury. Believe that! You're going on the jury," Hayden calmly looked at Ciera and whispered, "Monica."

Then, in the middle of one of the most heated Tribal Council's ever, Tyson had to make things weird.

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That caused Jeff Probst to say, "That is the craziest conversation before a potential $1 mil vote that I've ever heard." 

Writing down "Hay done," Gervase said, "Don't hate the players homie, hate the game. This isn't Big Brother, it's Survivor. We do things different here, and you're about to get a lesson in how to play the game."



Meanwhile, Hayden continued to whisper into Ciera's ear about voting for Monica, which helped him produce a tie 3-3 vote between Monica and himself when he finally convinced Ciera to flip.

That caused Tyson to demand of Ciera, "What are you doing?", to which she replied, "Don't glare at me!"


When the re-vote (with Monica and Hayden sitting out) came back 2-2, Jeff explained what would happen for just the second time in twenty-two seasons.

Unless those voting could unanimously choose who to send home, Hayden and Monica would both be safe, and the rest contestants would have to draw rocks to see who would randomly be eliminated.

With Ciera telling her alliance, "Tell me I'm number four and vote my way, or I'm drawing rocks," Gervase, who had Individual Immunity, egged her on.

In the end, it was Katie who drew the lone white rock.

And while that turned out to be a miraculous turn of events for Hayden, it sent Katie Redemption Island to be reunited with her mother, who unlike Ciera, she actually liked.

Monday, December 9, 2013

2013 ACA Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Listen to Country Music



I don't listen to country music, but that's not going to stop me from making my third annual predictions for the ACM's. No, make that the CMT's. Wait, that's not it either? Is it the CMA's? No, well how about the ACA's then?

Okay, I'm still going to try and predict the winners for whatever country music awards show that happens to be airing this week with the same nominees simply bouncing from network to network...Kind of like Lorrie Morgan used to to do with male country music singers back in the 80's and 90's. 

Hoping to find the right combination between sex appeal and racism, Fox's version of features Danica Patrick and Trace Adkins as hosts. 

Danica Patrick signing some random dude's tits...Who says the south isn't becoming more progressive?

You may remember Adkins from his appearance on Donald Trump's The Apprentice, or his non-apology for wearing a confederate flag ear plug...At a Christmas tree lighting ceremony

Then again, much like the South, Jesus kind of looked the other way when it came to slavery.

So put on your best vintage Confederate flag t-shirt, hop into your favorite pickup truck with a plastic nut sack dangling from the trailer hitch, and enjoy one of the five biggest nights that country music has to offer along with the largest collection of people who first went to Chick-fil-A thinking it was a strip club, but kept coming back because they fell in love with the chicken.

2013 ACA Winners? The Florida-Georgia Line: It's not racist if you just really liked the group Alabama, but it IS racist if you really, really like the state of Alabama.

Artist of the Year

Taylor Swift – I really don't think people are even all that entertained by her personal life anymore, but if they were (hypothetically speaking of course), isn't the next logical step for Taylor Swift to start dating Kanye West and then write a revenge song about it?

Jason Aldean – This guy was said to exhibit his "hip-hop influence" by rapping on his single Dirt Road Anthem, which was really just a dumbed down version of Gin and Juice for white people.



The Florida-Georgia Line – In a recent interview, this rap infused country duo said they considered Garth Brooks a "classic throwback" country artist, which pretty much sums up everything that's wrong with country music these days.

I'm not really sure what's going on here. If Atlanta, is the home of guys who get crunk and the dirty south, then The Florida-Georgia Line must be the home of guys who get drunk and dirty their shorts.

Blake Shelton – Talk about an artist, I don't think Blake Shelton is even recording music anymore, but he's been as entertaining and adorable as anyone on NBC's "The Voice" this side of Cee Lo Green on a "Molly" bender.

Luke Bryan – Sadly, his hit song Tailgates and Tanlines wasn't about spring break at Daytona Beach. It was about having butt sex with Danica Patrick.



And the winner is...It's gotta be Jason Aldean, right?

The John Deere hat and Sunset Strip t-shirt and goatee just scream "hip-hop" roots...if "hip-hop" roots means Panama City, Florida.

I mean the last time I got suckered into going to the redneck bar all they did was play a mix of country and hip-hop. I also almost got thrown out by the manager for trying to stand up for an African-American guy that night, but that's a whole other story.

In any event, like it or not, rap and country are slowly merging into a genre called "hick-hop." Because that's is the next logical step in music, right?

Male Artist of the Year

Jason Aldean – Alright, I can't quite get over a country singer rapping and proclaiming that he was influenced by hip-hop and acting like he has invented some sort of new "Hick-Hop" genre. On top of that, how the Hell do you get nominated for "Country Male Vocalist" when you're a wanna be white rapper from Macon, Georgia?

Not only was Dirt Road Anthem the worst attempt at rapping that I've ever heard in my life, but somewhere in rural Oklahoma the lead singer from the Smoking Armadillos is cursing his former agent and looking to kick Jason Aldean's ass.


The Smoking Armadillos - I'm a Cowboy

Luke Bryan – Born the youngest son to a poor peanut farmer in rural Georgia, Luke Bryan was able to overcome being on the ass end of the Georgia peanut baron hierarchy and become the most successful peanut refugee that state has ever seen since Billy Carter.


Blake Shelton – Blake Shelton will be performing his new song, She has a Face That I Want to Log-on. Oh wait, I just made that up. His real hit song is I'm Singin' a Blue Song, But Livin' in a Red State...Gotcha, I made that one up too! This is easy, I think I'm moving to Nashville!

Kenny Chesney – Riding the success of his new hit single S-E-C! S-E-C!, everybody seems to like this guy. With his cowboy hats, wife beaters and a questionable relationship with Peyton Manning, he’s the southern version of Brody Jenner.

Eric Church – If you're going to give someone a country music award, shouldn't you give it to someone to embraces old school "outlaw" country and advocates the legalization of marijuana like Eric Church or Jamie Johnson? Or as I like to ask, "What would Willie Do?"

What Would Willie Nelson Do? I think he'd go with Eric Church and Smoke a Little Smoke

And the winner is...Luke Bryan. Unfortunately for Eric Church, country music has gotten so bubble-gummy that even groups like The Florida-Georgia Line call Garth Brooks an example of "classic throwback country."

Female Artist of the Year

Miranda Lambert – Miranda Lambert's video for "The Fastest Girl in Town" was hugely popular in the South. Not only did it star NASCAR driver Danica Patrick, but the song was written about Lambert's biggest rival, Taylor Swift.

Danica Patrick in ASSCAR: The Ballad of Ricky Stenhouse's Boobies.

Sheryl Crow – Talk about sell-outs, first it was Hootie, now it's Cheryl Crow...Honestly, Mindy McCready has a better chance of making a career comeback than Cheryl Crow, and she's dead.

Mindy McCready's life was such a waste...Her dog didn't even get to eat her corpse.

Taylor Swift - Alright, if Kanye West really is happily engaged to the "Ass-tastrophy" that has become Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift needs to get it over with and re-make George Strait's "All My Exes Live in Texas," if not just for shits and giggles.

Carrie Underwood – I bet if I told you that a female celebrity dated Tony Romo, a Gossip Girl (sadly, it was one of the Gossip Guys), and a pro hockey player, you would have probably guessed that it was Alyssa Milano. In actuality, it was Carrie Underwood.

Not only is Underwood one of the South's hottest country stars, but she just got done delivering a live TV performance of The Sound of Music, which nearly every critic agreed was simply fantastic and better than the original.

Carrie Underwood as Maria in The Sound of Music? Talk about pissing on Julie Andrew's grave.

Kelly Clarkson – Kelly Clarkson at a country music awards show is kind of like nominating Jason Aldean for a BET award for best rapper...Except for the part where Kelly Clarkson actually gets invited to the country music awards show.

And the winner is...Carrie Underwood! After all, she is the Janet Jones of the south now that she's forced star hockey player Mike Fisher to get traded from Ottawa to Nashville, much to the chagrin of all of Canada. Seriously...Canada should be talking about this more!

Vocal Group or Duo of the Year

Zac Brown Band – The CMA's are reaching. Just because the Zac Brown Band is from the South, it doesn't mean these guys are country. I mean, they even played Bonnaroo for Christ's sake.

The Band Perry – I may or may not have watched these guys play at a local dive bar the other night for a $2 cover charge...

Little Big Town – The love child of Jason Aldean's singles Hicktown and the group Big Green Tractor, I think these guys might have opened up for The Band Perry the other night.

Lady Antebellum – A group named after the pre-Civil War South, or as they say in the South, the good ol' days. Somewhere the ghost of Alexander Stephens is humming bars to Dixie in approval of Lady Antebellum as he plots ways to haunt Jason Aldean from his grave.

Rascal Flatts - Still riding a wave of success after being the 8th group to remake Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway...Way to make it your own Rascal!




And the winner is.....The Lady Perry Band.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "Teenage mom, hell raiser. She can look in your eyes and lie better than anybody"




Upon arriving at the Redemption Challenge, Laura M. cried about her daughter Ciera voting her out, but added, "I'm proud of her. We knew one of us was going to have to vote the other one out."

Actually...That's not necessarily the way things had to work, but Ciera Eastin had no problem hanging her mother out to dry for her own personal gain. 

However, while Ciera thought voting out her mom would show her loyalty to her alliance, Tyson saw her ability to stab her own mom in the back as a sign of strength...And he didn't like it.

The Redemption Challenge itself involved running cubes through a rope maze and then stack them to solve puzzle.

Much to Ciera's dismay, her mother ended up winning. Laura M. then helped Tina come from behind to win second place, much to the dismay of Vytas.

In fact, when Laura M tried to congratulate him after the contest by saying "good try," Vytas refused her shake her hand saying, "No," realizing that her help to Tina meant that he would be heading back home...Or make that heading back to being homeless.

Laura M. continued the trend of giving the clue to someone the Redemption Challenge winner hated, electing to give it to her daughter Ciera, who promptly burned it.

Hayden and Colton approached Ciera to target Tyson, but she promptly narced them out showing more loyalty to a clown like Tyson than her own mother.

And while Ciera told Hayden and Caleb that she was down with their plan to back door Tyson, Hayden noticed how she had run off with Tyson to get tree mail and wouldn't even look him in the eye, so he started to scramble.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to hold a bucket with 25% of their body weight the longest.

However, those who felt comfortable enough not to compete could elect to sit out and feast on steak and chicken as long as the competition was ongoing.

In a tell tale sign of who was running the game, Gervase, Tyson and Ciera all elected to sit out and eat instead of competing for Immunity.

Worse yet, Tyson arrogantly rubbed it in the face of the others, saying, "Delicious to the taste and very desirable" when asked how his feast tasted.

"Delicious to the taste and very desirable?" Tyson Apostol and Gervase Peterson giving new meaning to the term "Sausage Fest."

Monica once again chose starvation...

Monica Culpepper: Only this time it was for Immunity instead of fake boobs and an ex-NFL player.

Hayden and Caleb tried to save themselves confronting Tyson and telling him that Ciera had told them that he was planning on back dooring him, which wasn't true.

However, Tyson seemed to buy it and consulted with Gervase about who to vote out, who also saw Ciera as a threat from her past experiences in life.

"Teenage mom, hell raiser. She can look in your eyes and lie better than anybody."

When asked at Tribal Council why she felt comfortable enough to eat instead of competing for Immunity, Ciera said, "I'd rather not play and eat, than lose and not eat," forgetting that their was a third option...Winning.

However, when asked by Jeff Probst, "Ciera, would it be shocked if it was you?", she replied by saying, "I would totally, I would be completely shocked."

And while their was enough distrust in the game to cause Tyson to needlessly play his Idol, Caleb was voted out over Ciera, setting up for some interesting dynamic around the tribe for next week's episode.


Saturday, November 30, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "I don't know why I've been wearing my shirt the whole time like an idiot. Here you go ladies"




With Tina getting voted out to Exile Island last week, Ciera and Laura M. rejoiced at being the last couple left in the game, which was kind of like being proud of being the second guy in high school who knocked Ciera up.

Surprisingly, when it came to strategy, it was Ciera who ended up leading her mother even though Laura M. was actually the returning player of the two of them.

Then again, I guess I'm not all that surprised considering that Laura M. forgot to have the "birds and the bees" talk with teen mom Ciera when she was an adolescent...Twice.

Ciera Eastin: I'm pretty sure that once you get the engagement ring you're supposed to take out your nose and vag piercings.

And while Ciera acted as if she liked her mom on the surface, she definitely showed that she had some unresolved "mommy issues," as she was not so secretly plotting against her.

"If my mom needs to go in order for me to win the game, then my mom needs to go...Here's the thing, I'm okay with my mom not being in the game."

The Redemption Challenge required Aras, Vytas and Tina to use a grappling hook to retrieve a series of bags in order to get a ball that they needed to complete a table maze.

Tina made it first to the final section of the maze first, but unlike Ciera's high school boyfriend, she couldn't quite get it in the hole.

Vytas ultimately won the challenge over Tina, sending his brother Aras out of the game.

And with Vytas finally beating Aras in a challenge for the first time (not just in the game, but in life in general), Vytas was finally able to let go of the sibling rivalry he had with his more successful younger brother.

On the other hand, Aras proved once again that he was the nice brother. "I didn't win the million dollars, but we got a lot closer, and that's worth more than any money in the world."

Of course, that's a lot easier to say when you've already won a million dollars playing the game.

Meanwhile, Tyson's delusions continued to grow, and he erroneously came to the belief that he was some sort of sex symbol. "I don't know why I've been wearing my shirt the whole time like an idiot. Here you go ladies. You're welcome."

Tyson Apostol: If only homosexuality wasn't outlawed in Utah...

And while Tyson went on to declare himself "The biggest threat in the game," people really just wanted him to put some fucking pants on.


Having been given a clue to the Immunity Idol by Vytas, Katie woke up at dawn to look for it.

However, Laura M. pulled a dick move and also woke up early just to follow her and make sure she didn't find it. Of course, Tyson already had the Idol, so they both got up early for nothing.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to balance on platform while hanging onto to a rope that they slowly had to let out as the game went along.

In addition to Immunity, they were also competing for a reward of burgers, hot dogs, fries and soda.

And when Jeff Probst teased, "You desperately want a cheeseburger," I couldn't help but think that it was mean of him to single out the fat girl Katie like that.

Katie Collins might be the only contestant to go on Survivor and gain weight.

Monica defeated Tyson for Immunity, mainly because she had years of practice of being drug along while hanging onto her husband's dick.

Monica then unselfishly gave her entire reward of burgers, dogs, fries and soda to the rest of the tribe...You know, because that type of goodwill gesture in Survivor always ensures that nobody will vote you out the moment you don't have immunity.

Katie tried to lie to Ciera by telling her that she found the Hidden Immunity Idol. However, Ciera called her bluff by saying, "No you didn't...because I have it." Sure enough, Katie cracked right away.

However, Ciera may have inadvertently put a target on her own back, as when she told her alliance how she had tricked Katie Tyson took notice by saying, "Ciera, smarter than we thought originally, is making moves as well."

At Tribal Council Laura tried to save her own ass by selling Ciera and herself as a package deal. "One is two, you get one of us, you get two."

Laura Morrett and Ciera Eastin: Of course, that's the same pitch they use when they go out to the clubs together back in Oregon.

Of course, she didn't realize how much her own daughter was plotting against her, and Ciera looked pissed that her mom was still trying to sell them as a power couple when she was trying to break free and play her own game.

And when Laura M. was voted out, it slowly seemed to sink in that her own daughter betrayed her. "It sucks that I'm here. It sucks that my daughter had to do that. It sucks that she did that!"

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "Fuck you, you voted out my brother"



While Vytas was surprisingly cool after his brother Aras got voted out last week, Tina was not, and she lashed out at Tyson.

"Bravo to you, that was a good move. Monica and Tyson, you won the battle, but you didn't win the war because you've got five Jury votes that you'll never get for flipping."

However, Tina backed off after the rest of the contestants revealed that they all had final three deals with Aras, who was apparently playing everybody except for his brother Vytas, who definitely wanted to play him.

Confused? Me too!

Blindsiding a former winner (instead of getting blindsided as he had been the first two times he played Survivor) seemed to not only rejuvenate Tyson, but also to restore his faith in Joseph Smith, Jr.

"Survivor has broken my heart twice, and I think tonight I fell back in love...I'm like Tina, if everyone played the game the way that you do, I would win 100% of the time."

The first Immunity Challenge was a classic Survivor eating competition, where the contestants raced to finish local "delicacies."

When the first dish of forty live worms was revealed, Tyson tried to psych out his competition by saying, "They're just like gummy worms, only grosser."

However, karma turned out to be a bitch in the next round when a plate of pig intestines caused Tyson to puke.

With Gervase and Monica facing off in the final round for Immunity, Jeff revealed that the final item would be two large grubs, which was the very same item that caused Gervase to lose the eating contest in season one of Survivor. 

Sure enough, Gervase freaked the fuck out as he exclaimed, "I can't do that! You know I can't do this!"

And while Gervase was able to choke both of his live grubs down, he still lost out to Monica.

Monica seemed to boast about her lack of a gag reflex while saying, "Gervase, I love you, and I'm sorry, but this has been a dream of mine for a long time!"

Monica Culpepper won because live grubs and raw pig intestines are not nearly as disgusting as what her husband Brad Culpepper makes her swallow all the time.

At Tribal Council, Vytas called Monica out for flipping on her alliance with Aras and himself. He then told the girls to align against Tyson and Gervase in the event that he got voted out.

He also revealed that he was biting his tongue when Tina called Tyson and Monica out earlier in the episode.

Apparently realizing that he was their next target, Vytas let them have it saying, "Fuck you, you voted out my brother." 

Vytas went on to call out Monica some more for being so easy to manipulate.

"Monica, who's already so paranoid out here, she fell for it right away. You know, you just tell her she's a doormat, and she's like, 'Okay, I don't want to be a doormat, I'm with you...This Monica the benevolent thing, is like a little bit over.'"

That caused Monica to cast her vote against Vytas while saying, "What up Brad," implying that it was a bit of a revenge vote.

And while that sent Vytas to Redemption Island, Monica was supposed to vote for Katie along with the other girls, while the guys were going to vote for Vytas.

If there's anything that Monica Culpepper should have learned when she was with Galang or during the 2008 Presidential campaign, it's that people love it when you "go rogue."

At Redemption Island Vytas blamed Aras for getting voted out, which was a bit of a dick move considering that he would have never been on the show had Aras not brought him along as his loved one even though he was a recovering heroin addict.

Vytas and Aras then had a very matter of fact conversation that was reminiscent of the talk that Jacob and The Smoke Monster on the show Lost...with Vytas clearly playing the role of The Smoke Monster.
Vytas:     "You're not even going to beat me out of Redemption, I'm the one who's going to get out."
Aras:      "That would be great. If you get out of Redemption, I'd be just as happy as if I got out of Redemption.
Vytas:     "I can't say the same thing for you. I'm sorry."

While we were promised a double elimination episode in last week's promos, it looked more like the producers simply cut two weeks worth of boring footage and Tribal Councils into one episode.

In any event, the week's second Immunity Challenge required the contestants to stack coins on sword handle one at a time and balance them without dropping any.

Monica was the first to bow out, while Tina gave her daughter an "Atta-boy, Katie" when she won Individual Immunity, perhaps realizing for the first time that her daughter was a lesbian.

However, Katie winning Immunity left Tina knowing that she was likely the next target to get voted out, so she began frantically searching for the Immunity Idol.

Unfortunately, Tina didn't count on Tyson and Gervase putting together a posse to follow her around the jungle to bully her from finding the Immunity Idol.

Gervase Peterson: I'm kind of getting sick of Hootie.

And while Tyson already had the Immunity Idol, he put that farce in action because he didn't want anyone to know he had it.

"We don't have to follow Tina around, like I could go to everybody and go, 'I like have the Immunity Idol, we can all take naps,' but then I'd become a target, so today we have to babysit Tina all the time."

That seemed to psych Tina out, who just stood around instead of looking for the Idol regardless of who was watching her do it...Which in hindsight sounds kind of kinky.

That caused Tina to say, "I'm definitely in a Mexican standoff, and I've gotta find the hidden Immunity Idol...If I start searching for it, then they're going to know that I don't have it."

At Tribal Council, Tina did her best to change up the plan to vote her out by telling Monica that she was on the ass end of Tyson and Gervase's alliance, noting how she was always the last one told who to vote for because she talked too much. 

Worse yet, Gervase openly agreed with that assertion...But that didn't phase our hero Monica, who didn't let a startling wake-up call like that stop her from voting with the masses.

After the votes were cast, Tina played dumb about having the Idol, acting like she was digging in her purse for it when Jeff asked if anyone had the Idol and wanted to play it.

Of course, that raised the question, 'Why the fuck did Tina have a purse at Tribal Council?'

However, Tina's fate was ultimately sealed when she went on to reveal, "Jeff...I wish I found it, but I didn't."

That sent Tina to join Aras and Vytas on Redemption Island, where she could try her best to persuade two gay brothers to marry her lesbian daughter.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "It's a game, bitch!"




With the contestants anticipating a merge, Vytas pledged his allegiance to the Galang women saying, "We're going to be moral, we're going to be honest, even if that means our death."

However, he went on to reveal a more shady side of himself when he was away from his tribe. "That's not how I feel, but that's what I'm rapping about." 

At the Redemption Challenge the competitors were informed that the winner of the duel would be rejoining the game, while the two losers would be forced to spend the rest of the season with Brad Culpepper and Colton Cumbie on "Rednecktion Island."

The competition itself simply required the contestants to hang on to a totem pole the longest. With females historically dominating this challenge in the past, that certainly favored Laura M. over John and Female Rupert.

Sure enough, John and Female Rupert got weighed down by their penises and fell off, putting Laura M. back into the game much to the dismay of her daughter Ciera.

And while Laura B. (Female Rupert) played terribly in nearly every aspect of the game, she still seemed proud of her effort. "I'm a quiet farm girl, and I'm going to go back the strongest woman I've ever been in my life."

Of course, that came as a bit of a surprise, since many viewers didn't realize that Female Rupert was actually a woman.

As anticipated, Jeff Probst announced that the tribes were merging, which finally brought estranged brothers Aras and Vytas back together.

Something tells me that Aras and Vytas Baskauskas are closer to one another than they are letting on....And that Tina's dream of Vytas hooking up with Katie are just that, a dream.

And after a feast of fruit, wine, crackers, cheese and salami, the players christened their new tribe "Kasama."

Sadly, CBS served the contestants blood oranges, despite the strong possibility that their sale was used to finance the bloody civil war between The Real Orange County and The Hills.

Using the clue that Tadhana's members had shared with him about a "serpent tree on the way to water," Tyson found the Hidden Immunity Idol, which turned out to be chocolate wrapped in a gold wrapper that was packed full of questions.

"Let's see how sweet it is, I hope it's solid gold...I've never had an Idol before, and I've also never won the show before. Do those correlate with one another? Probably not."

Reunited with Aras, Vytas started to get even more cocky. "Blood vs. Water should really in the end be called 'Vytas vs. Aras,' because we would have to be real stupid at this point not to make it to the end."

Tina and Galang tells Monica she's number five, thinking she'd be happy just to make it that far since she's spent her entire life riding in the wake of her husband, Brad Culpepper.

The Individual Immunity Challenge required the competitors to quickly memorize a sequence of symbols on cube and display them back in the correct order.

That came down to a brother vs. brother battle, where Vytas finally defeated Aras at something other than "most arrests" to earn Immunity.

That fueled Vytas' ego to grow even more, calling Aras and himself "the strongest," while proclaiming, "I'd be surprised if anyone has the guts to do anything about it."

However, unbeknownst to Vytas, a plan lead by Tyson to backdoor Aras was starting to circulate.

When Katie was asked if she was on board despite any personal feelings she may have had for them, Katie powerfully delivered her first words of the season simply saying, "It's a game, bitch!"

 Katie Collins: Do you kiss Vytas for your mom with that mouth?

And while Aras was voted out at Tribal Council, he remained in the game back at Redemption Island.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

2013 CMA Predictions From A Guy Who Doesn't Listen To Country Music



I don't listen to country music, but that's not going to stop me from making my third annual predictions for the ACM's. No, make that the CMT's. Wait, that's not it either? 

Okay, well I'm going to try and predict the winners for whatever country music awards show that happens to be airing this week.

Ironically, a special "Pinnacle Award" is being handed out to Taylor Swift for bringing country music to a more mainstream global audience, when she actually just took mainstream music and brought it to CMT along with shows like Redneck Island.

Throw in a special tribute to Kenny Rogers (who was able to retire from the music industry when he discovered that the fat drippings from his rotisserie chicken were a cheaper replacement for Botox), and we should be in for a pretty good night.

So put on your best vintage Confederate flag t-shirt, hop into your favorite pickup truck with a plastic nut sack dangling from the trailer hitch, and enjoy one of the five biggest nights that country music has to offer along with the largest collection of people who think that the Florida Panhandle should become it's own state!

The Florida Georgia Line: It's not racist if you just really liked the group Alabama. It is racist if you really, really like the state of Alabama.

Entertainer of the Year

Taylor Swift – I really don't think people are even all that entertained by her personal life anymore, but if they were (hypothetically speaking of course), isn't the next logical step for Taylor Swift to start dating Kanye West and then write a revenge song about it?

Jason Aldean – This guy was said to exhibit his "hip-hop influence" by rapping on his single Dirt Road Anthem, which was really just a dumbed down version of Gin and Juice for white people.



George Strait – I'm glad to see that George Strait has listened to the people and released the long awaited sequel to his movie Pure Country. Do I smell a Golden Globe in addition to an ACM (I mean a CMA) in his future?


Then again, after watching the original Pure Country, doesn't George Strait pretty much just stand around and sing? If so, how the fuck does that qualify you to be "Entertainer of the Year?"

Blake Shelton – Talk about an entertainer, I don't think Blake Shelton is even recording music anymore, but he's been as entertaining and adorable as anyone on NBC's "The Voice" this side of Cee Lo Green on a "Molly" bender.

Luke Bryan – Sadly, his hit song Tailgates and Tanlines wasn't about spring break at Daytona Beach. It was about having butt sex with an ex-girlfriend.

And the winner is...It's gotta be Jason Aldean, right?

The John Deere hat and Sunset Strip t-shirt and goatee just scream "hip-hop" roots...if "hip-hop" roots means Panama City, Florida.

I mean the last time I got suckered into going to the redneck bar all they did was play a mix of country and hip-hop. I also almost got thrown out by the manager for trying to stand up for an African-American guy that night, but that's a whole other story.

In any event, like it or not, rap and country are slowly merging into a genre called "hick-hop." Because that's is the next logical step in music, right?

Top Male Vocalist of the Year

Jason Aldean – Alright, I can't quite get over a country singer rapping and proclaiming that he was influenced by hip-hop and acting like he has invented some sort of new "Hick-Hop" genre. On top of that, how the Hell do you get nominated for "Country Male Vocalist" when you're a wanna be white rapper from Macon, Georgia?

Not only was Dirt Road Anthem the worst attempt at rapping that I've ever heard in my life, but somewhere in rural Oklahoma the lead singer from the Smoking Armadillos is cursing his former agent and looking to kick Jason Aldean's ass.


The Smoking Armadillos - I'm a Cowboy

Luke Bryan – Born the youngest son to a poor peanut farmer in rural Georgia, Luke Bryan was able to overcome being on the ass end of the Georgia peanut baron hierarchy and become the most successful peanut refugee that state has ever seen since Billy Carter.


Blake Shelton – Blake Shelton will be performing his new song, She has a Face That I Want to Log-on. Oh wait, I just made that up, but I think I could turn that into a hit country music single the next time I hit the Music City.

Keith Urban – When Nicole Kidman finally gets enough self esteem to leave the Church of Scientology and break up with Keith Urban, it will inspire him to write a new hit song, I'm Singin' a Blue Song, But Livin' in a Red State...I made that up too. This is easy, I'm moving to Nashville!

Eric Church – If you're going to give someone a country music award, shouldn't you give it to someone to embraces old school "outlaw" country and advocates the legalization of marijuana like Eric Church or Jamie Johnson? Or as I like to ask, "What would Willie Do?"

What Would Willie Nelson Do? I think he'd go with Eric Church and Smoke a Little Smoke

And the winner is...Luke Bryan. Unfortunately for Eric Church, country music has gotten so bubble-gummy that even groups like The Florida-Georgia Line call Garth Brooks an example of "classic throwback country."

Top Female Vocalist of the Year

Miranda Lambert – Miranda Lambert's video for "The Fastest Girl in Town" was hugely popular in the South. Not only did it star NASCAR driver Danica Patrick, but the song was written about Lambert's biggest rival, Taylor Swift.

Kacey Musgraves – With the single Merry Go Round from her debut album, "Same Trailer, Different Park," it looks like country music has a new queen of cliches, replacing the artist formerly known as Gretchen Wilson!

Same hurt in every heart.
Same trailer, different park.

Mama's hooked on Mary Kay.
Brother's hooked on Mary Jane.
Daddy's hooked on Mary two doors down.
Mary, Mary quite contrary.
We get bored, so, we get married
Just like dust, we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go
Where it stops nobody knows and it ain't slowin' down.
This merry go 'round.

Taylor Swift - Alright, if Kanye West really is happily engaged to the "Ass-tastrophy" that has become Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift needs to get it over with and re-make George Straight's "All My Exes Live in Texas," if not just for shits and giggles.

Carrie Underwood – I bet if I told you that a female celebrity dated Tony Romo, a Gossip Girl (sadly, it was one of the Gossip Guys), and a pro hockey player, you would have probably guessed that it was Alyssa Milano, but in actuality, it was Carrie Underwood.

Not only is Underwood hosting this year's CMA's for something like the 37th consecutive time, but she's turning around and delivering a live TV performance of The Sound of Music next month, which is sure to please the critics.

Carrie Underwood as Maria in The Sound of Music? Talk about pissing on Julie Andrew's grave.

Kelly Clarkson – Kelly Clarkson at a country music awards show is kind of like nominating Jason Aldean for a BET award for best rapper...Except for the part where Kelly Clarkson actually gets invited to the country music awards show.

And the winner is...Carrie Underwood! After all, she is the Janet Jones of the south now that she's forced star hockey player Mike Fisher to get traded from Ottawa to Nashville, much to the chagrin of all of Canada. Seriously...We should be talking about this more. 

Top Vocal Group of the Year

Little Big Town – The love child of Jason Aldean's singles Hicktown and the group Big Green Tractor.

Zac Brown Band – The CMA's are reaching. Just because the Zac Brown Band is from the South, it doesn't mean these guys are country. After all, they played Bonnaroo for Christ's sake.

The Band Perry – I may or may not have watched these guys play at a local dive bar the other night for a $2 cover charge...

Eli Young Band – And I think these guys opened up for The Band Perry.

Lady Antebellum – A group named after the pre-Civil War South, or as they say in the South, the good ol' days. Somewhere the ghost of Alexander Stephens is humming bars to Dixie in approval of Lady Antebellum as he plots ways to haunt Jason Aldean from his grave.

And the winner is.....The Lady Brown Band.

Top Vocal Duo of the Year

Thompson Square – Keifer and Shawna Thompson went with the name Thompson Square (Thompson x 2?) after "The Thompson Twins" threatened legal action.



The Florida-Georgia Line – In a recent interview, this rap infused country duo said they considered Garth Brooks a "classic throwback" country artist, which pretty much sums up everything that's wrong with country music these days.

I'm not really sure what's going on here. If Atlanta, is the home of guys who get crunk and the dirty south, then The Florida-Georgia Line must be the home of guys who get drunk and dirty their shorts.

Sugarland – So a country band from the south re-made the song Life in a Northern Town? I think my northern ass doth protest.

Better yet, Mindy McCready has a better chance of making a career comeback than Sugarland after Sugarland had the audacity to blame their fans when 7 people died and 58 were injured when their stage collapsed during a tornado at the Indiana State fair in 2011.

The Civil Wars – This male/female duo are both married...but not to each other. And while they have not officially split up, they're apparently no longer on speaking terms. My guess is that there was some sort of forbidden North-South hook-up at some point during this Civil War.

Love and Theft- Things are really looking up for this "Mindy McCready" tribute band.

Mindy McCready's life was such a waste...Her dog didn't even get to eat her corpse.

Big and Rich РA shoe in to win. They have the perfect combination of clich̩ song titles, cowboy hats, goatees, and white dudes trying to rap.