Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "If you weren't in love with me, I'm not sure why you made love to me"

This week The Bachelorette resumed in the Dominican Republic with an actual episode, as opposed to a "shocking" Q & A session which really just repackaged some old footage.

Better yet, the two remaining guys had to win over Andi's racist father, Hy, in attempts to win her hand.

Even had I been an Andi fan, that probably would have been a deal breaker for me.

And that's without the guys having to sort through the brain fuck they had to experience when they realized that the girl they thought they loved and her bald 300 pound father had the exact same eyes and perfectly egg shaped heads.

First up was Nick, who wasn't too cocky for Hy, but he might have been a little too, how should I say this...Northern?

Nick seemed to know that he was bombing with Andi's parents.

"This date is not going as well as I had hoped...The worst thing that could happen is that they'll think that I'm a jackass."

However, after a relatively brief discussion, Hy sold the right to propose to his daughter in return for some good southern whiskey.

Next up was Josh, who Andi hyped up as the local star athlete from the University of Georgia, which had to make Hy's adult diapers just a little bit damper than they already were.

However, Josh didn't necessarily get off on the best foot either. Or as Hy noted, "He's sweating, he's so nervous. This poor guy doesn't have a prayer."

Worse yet, Andi's mom referred to their introduction as, "This loud guy walks in." Fortunately for Josh though, she didn't put two and two together and recognize that he wasn't really a Southerner.

At least we didn't hear Josh Murray tell Andi's family that he was really from Florida, and not the South.

Like Nick, Josh also asked Andi's dad Hy for permission to marry his daughter, who found him sincere enough to grant his approval, especially since Juan Pablo lowered the bar of "whiteness" for him last season.

After Andi's parents got their screen time, Josh got Andi's first "final date," and Andi definitely seemed to be favoring him, at least as far as I could read between the lines.

Specifically, Andi took Josh on a romantic boat ride and kept asking, "Is this too good to be true?" almost as if she was unable to find any fault in their relationship.

To top things off, Josh made Andi her own baseball card, just to remind her that he used to be a low level pro athlete, with her name on the card listed as "The Murray's," and many fun facts about their relationship and a disgusting stick of bubblegum adhered to the back.

They then proceeded to make out until Josh's tongue started to chafe. FYI, Andi's tongue didn't chafe because of all the practice she had making out with the other guys.

Nick got the follow up date, but his fate looked to be sealed when Andi seemed to stand noticeably far away from him even though he was trying to hold hands with her.

It was also telling that Andi took Nick off-roading in what was more of a fun date (at least for southerners), instead of a romantic date like the one she took Josh on.

During their date Nick rambled on over a toast before Andi cut him off by saying "Cheers," and Nick said, "I know, that was terrible."

But while Nick seemed nervous, Andi kept telling him, "It's going to be alright," making it seem like he was back in the running, or at least making him think that he was.

Nick then recovered from his stupor to give Andi a necklace with some of the sand from the beach where either they first kissed or he said he loved her...Either way, you get the point.

That caused Andi to say about Nick, "There is definitely a mental/intellectual connection," which was her indirect way of saying that 'Josh is dumb.'

After obligatory shots where Andi walked out in her nightie...

Nick opened the door shirtless...

And Josh primped himself half naked in the mirror...

Andi declared to Chris Harrison that she had made up her mind.

And while the cameras showed Josh pick out his ring for Andi, Nick only received the dreaded knock on the door from Andi, and the writing was on the wall when he wasn't greeted with a hug...Just some ominous music.

Trying to drag things out as long as they could, we shot back to the studio audience where former Bachelor contestant Michelle, whoever that was, "spontaneously" stood up and interrupted Chris Harrison and asked, "I've just got one question! When are you going to announce who the new Bachelor is?"

That's when Chris Harrison shocked the world and announced that the new Bachelor was going to be Cody, after which all the ladies in America rejoiced.

Actually, I'm just kidding. Chris Harrison saved that announcement for later, and it turned out that the new Bachelor is going to be Chris Soules, the farmer from Iowa, not Cody, the personal douchebag from Chicago.

Chris Soules says "Eat corn ya dick!"

Andi used Nick's own line about the first time he got engaged, but woke up one morning and knew that something just didn't feel right.

Or as she told Nick, she was worried that they both tended to over-analyze everything.

Showing his true colors as a whiny bitch, Nick put Andi on guilt trip.

"When I told you that I loved you, I just can't believe that you'd be sitting here and telling me this right now."

But when he asked, "Is this more about us, or is it about someone else." Andi simply said, "I'm sorry," to which Nick responded, "God, wow, that's so fucked up."

Nick then pouted by saying, "There's just certain things I wish you wouldn't have said or done," before turning into a chick and throwing away all of the Rose Ceremony Roses he had saved.

Meanwhile, Josh was in tears before he even found out Nick didn't make it to the proposal.

Being a true romantic, and to remind everybody that he was once a low level minor league baseball player, Josh started off his proposal talking about how he gave up his first love, "baseball" before saying, "Now I've found you Andi Dorfman!"

It's almost like Josh Murray's one of the contestants who only came on the show to plug his career, only he already failed to make it as a baseball player, and nobody seems to know what the fuck he does now that his playing days are over. 

Obviously impressed by the way that Josh implied that she was his replacement for his days of using chewing tobacco and jock itch spray, Andi gushed:

"Josh I've loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you, I've loved you since the moment I spoke to you."

But since Andi had to build some drama into her reply for TV before she said that, Josh replied, "You were scaring me, you were scaring the heck out of me!"

And with that Josh proposed, "Andi Jennette Dorfman, will you marry me?" Fortunately for him the cameras were on, and she said "YESSSS!"

To tease interest in The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All, we saw Chris Harrison delivering Andi a letter from Nick and telling her, "I think you need to read this."

That was followed by a creepy shot of Nick saying, "Hopefully there is a lot more to come, with us."

Chris went on to explain, "That was actually Nick's second attempt to talk with the woman he loves,"  but he failed to deliver the first one because it wasn't in front of the cameras on live TV.

As Nick came out, the camera panned to dozens of white women in the audience with crazed looks in their eyes.

And while Nick had his own agenda, he didn't have a bad word to say about Josh saying, "I spent a lot of time with Josh, and I think he's a great guy...I don't think he'll take for granted what he has."

Nick started off by implying that he was pissed that she slept with him but still got sent home...But at least he learned what it's like to the be the bitch.

But when Andi responded to a question by saying, "I was not in love with him," Nick lost his shit.

He then went on to do his best to blow things up between Andi and Josh by saying, "If you weren't in love with me, I'm not sure why you made love to me."

Not denying what Nick said, Andi replied by saying, "First of all, that's below the belt. Those things are meant to be private."

And from there, things just got uncomfortable.

Nick went on to campaign, "It meant something, it meant the world to me," clearly having an agenda with the audience in mind.

Of course, if Nick truly had pure motives, he wouldn't have made a big deal about Andi using him for sex even though she knew she wasn't ultimately going to pick him...You kind of like Andi did with Juan Pablo.

And yes, that was hypocrisy that you smelled coming from your TV set when Andi scolded Nick when he outed her for her actions in the Fantasy Suite in the same way that she called out Juan Pablo for being a womanizer.

For everyone's FYI, Josh broke up with his last serious girlfriend five years ago because she kissed another guy while he was away, playing pro baseball...Just in case you forgot.

So with Josh coming out, we were left hoping that Andi at least told Josh that she had slept with Nick after her Fantasy Suite date with him.

Of course, Chris Harrison didn't even mention the subject of Nick sleeping with Andi to Josh, who came out grinning from ear to ear, making us all wonder if he even was aware it had happened.

Instead of asking the tough question that everyone wanted to know about, like "How do you feel about Andi sleeping with Nick after she slept with you?", Chris Harrison brought up Andi's father, to which Josh responded,  "I love Hy! That's my man, we're golfin' next week!"

Rather appropriately, and in response to tabloid reports that Andi was pregnant, the show ended with Chris saying, "Now that we've put the pregnancy rumors to rest," Josh interrupting and said, "I'm trying!"

Unfortunately, so was Nick, so let's not plan a televised wedding anytime before Andi parlays her experience as The Bachelorette and moves on to become one of the hosts of The View. 

Monday, July 21, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "This sucks"

This week was the Men Tell all Episode, where ABC attempts to drag out the season by another 2-4 unnecessary hours in conjunction with the After the Final Rose episode.

I mean, fuck, even the commercials had Andi in them.

Worst yet, we saw Cody flexing and posing like he was Ed Hardy in an ad for Bachelor in Paradise...Hopefully this time none of the cast members hang themselves after doing the show.

The episode started out with the very pregnant former Bachelorette Ashley H. and her husband J.P., who agreed to do a sonogram to determine their child's gender on live TV.

As it turned out, it was dead.

The guys from this season all came out in scarfs, which was supposed to be some kind of play on J.J.'s pants. 

Andrew was asked to respond to J.J.'s allegation that he had leaned over and said, "She gave the rose to the two blackies" during the week one Rose Ceremony.

Sure enough, the video showed that Andrew had indeed leaned over and whispered something to J.J. at that ceremony, although no audio was available.

Nonetheless, the house was in consensus that Marquel handled such a potentially volatile subject with class.

Even Andrew seemed to agree, "I completely agree with the way that Ron approached this whole predicament."

Of course, Ron was the other black guy on the show, not the one that Andrew had the serious conversation about whether or not he was a racist with.

Then again, in all fairness to Andrew, all black guys look alike on ABC.

From the looks of things at The Guys Tell All special, J.J. was finally able to get Marquel in his pants, or at least he had him wearing them.

Chris Harrison then spent 30 minutes trying to convince America that Andy got rid of Marquel because they were in "the friend zone," and not because he was black...America was not convinced.

And while Marquel did get a good plug for his cookies in before he left, he continued to insist, "I don't think she wanted to kiss me," before Chris tried to revise history by saying, "I think you might have missed some signs."

After reviewing scenes from his time with Andi, Chris Harrison looked at Marcus directly in the face and said, "I can tell man, emotions in your eyes."

In fairness to Marcus and his manhood though, those weren't emotions, they were tears.

Farmer Chris addressed questions about how a guy from Iowa could ever find a woman, leading to speculation that he'll become the next Bachelor.

Cody bemoaned the fact that he was a midget who had nothing to talk about aside from taking selfies while at the gym saying, "You never did get to see the real Cody."

Of course, that much was obvious since Andi didn't send Cody Saddler home after week one.

Funny enough, when Marquel complained about his lack of quality time by saying, "If you go on a 1-on-1 Date, you got a kiss," Cody jumped in and deadpanned, "No," referring to how he struck out with Andi on his 1-on-1 Date.

I was wondering why the producers once again let the ultra douchey Chris Bukowski creep around the set, but then we learned that he'll be appearing in Bachelor in Paradise, which they were trying to plug.

Andi denied the tabloid rumors that she was pregnant, which was good news for Josh and Nick since she hadn't, and has no intention of ever sleeping with either one of them.

Andi was offered the results of the Group Date lie detector test that she previously threw away, and it was revealed that Josh, Dylan and Marcus had all lied during their exams.

Much to the surprise of Andi and audience, it was revealed that Marcus lied when he responded that he had slept with fewer than 20 women.

We also learned that Dylan lied when he said that he preferred brunettes over blonds and when he said that he was ready for marriage before he simply put his head down and said, "This sucks"

However, Josh's lies were not revealed, as Andi didn't want to see his results, fueling speculation that he was her final choice.

The episode ended with Chris Harrison handing Andi a letter from one of the final two guys and Chris telling her, "I think you ought to read it."

Of course, I'm sure that it was just a teaser for a love letter, but at least we can all dream for another week that one of the guys walked out on Andi and her agenda to land a TV career. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "Hey man, I'll curl up with you dude"

Feeling guilty about selling Donny out for the Bomb Squad alliance last week, new HOH Devin called a house meeting where he admitted to casting judgment and handed out a tearful apology.

That caused Frankie to inquire, "What is happening now?"

Zach seemed even more confused by Devin's bi-polar behavior.

"I'm layin' there dreaming about jellybeans and unicorns, when he starts spilling the beans about everything." Sadly, Zach forgot the Camaros...He forgot the fucking Camaros.

However, the meeting kind of backfired, as Brittany figured out that last week's nominations were for personal reasons and not simply based on the first two competitors who went out in the first week's two HOH Competitions as she and the other nominees had been told.

Upon hearing that, Devin immediately reneged on his vow to play the game with integrity for his daughter, and wanted to target Brittany for eviction.

But not before he had and Caleb shared a moment.
Caleb:  "I'm used to callin' up my certain people that will cuddle, and hang out with me, and curl up and watch certain movies with me, and I feel like I'm loved a little bit, I don't really now exactly what it's called."
Devin: "Hey man, I'll curl up with you dude."
Caleb:  "I know you will."
     Devin:  "Just know, man, that I'm always gonna be there fore you."
Caleb:  "Because I will cuddle up in a heartbeat, just because I miss it so much..If no one was scared to cuddle. Just the thought of holdin' somebody..."
Devin:  "You're a good man dude...If I could sing, I'd sing you a great song right now."

And Poo! Just like that Devin and Caleb were gay. I'm pretty sure their night ended with Devin cuddling the bejesus out of Caleb to the point that he squealed like a wild boar. 

Caleb and Devin weren't the only two guys trying to climb Brokeback Mountain.

While Zach maintained that he wasn't gay, he began cuddling up with Frankie at night. However, he proclaimed his straightness in a rather odd way.

"I'm not gay, but the bond that Frankie and I share is so genuine, that I truly feel like he is my boyfriend...I'm straight, and I only date women, but Frankie is one of the greatest people I've ever met."

Frankie didn't seem to mind the attention. In fact, he seemed to treat Zach like his own miniature chihuahua.

"Poor Zach, he's just like a puppy dog. He follows me wherever I go, he cuddles me in bed...we do weights together." 

In what could turn into the first Tea Party sponsored couple in the house, Nicole began flirting with Hayden, who already had a bit of a crush on her.

Zach took the cue and left the room by saying, "I'm going to go brush my teeth, I'll let you guys flirt a little longer."

And while they were embarrassed Hayden admitted, "I really would take you on a date though."

Sadly, everyone forgot about the third wheel, Christine, who either ruined the moment or proposed a threesome by saying, "Us, you know, weirdos need to stick together."

After getting pissed at Brittany for not cleaning up the kitchen, or in this case, leaving her lotion in it, Devin nominated her and Paola for eviction, while Amber's nominations were Hayden and Nicole.

Following the Nomination Ceremony, Devin had Nicole bring Hayden up to the HOH Room were he assured them that they were not going home.

Telling Pow Pow that he wanted Brittany gone, Devin asked Pow Pow to throw the Battle of the Block Competition.

With the four nominees being forced to unexpectedly wake up 5:00 a.m., the BOB contestants were asked a series of questions about the specific images from photos that were quickly flashed in front of them.

With Pow Pow apparently throwing the competition as Devin had asked her, Hayden and Nicole ended up winning, making Devin the HOH over Amber, leaving Paola and Brittany alone on the eviction block.

And while at that point we weren't entirely sure as to whether Paolo threw the competition of if she was just plain stupid, Devin began calling himself "The Puppetmaster," with a #.

Having already raped Caleb, Devin apparently turned his attention to Hayden.

"Devin has lost his mind...He's giving me this creepy man hug. It's like super intimate, I'm thinking like he's going to stick his tongue in my ear."

Excited after his victory, Hayden asked Nicole to "kiss it out." And while she said "no," she did so in a really cute Michigan accent.

Zach seemingly turned against Devin's wishes and personal vendetta against Brittany, declaring that he wanted her to stay over Pow Pow.

Even Caleb called Devin "a problem" after Amber said that Devin treated her dismissively, saying he'd protect his women and would treat them with "dignity and respect."

Caleb Reynold respects all women...That is, so long as they aren't black and don't like Obama.

And when Caleb tried to diplomatically tell Devin that he was pissing off their alliance, especially the girls with the way he treated them, Devin snapped at Caleb "Why are you talking to me like this right now? You're over there getting love struck."

Once again, Frankie was left babysitting.

Or as he said, "I'm standing there watching this clash of the not so titans, and the last thing I want to happen is for the Bomb Squad to blow up in front of everyone."

Sure enough, Devin got his panties in a wad and stormed off saying that there was no more alliance, and Caleb threatening Devin, "You'll be goin' home next week."

But like any relationship based upon nothing but hot machismo chemistry, Caleb later apologized.

However, Devin no longer wanted to target the floaters as was the initial goal of the Bomb Squad alliance.

Instead, Devin demanded to know who in the alliance was targeting him as Caleb had let slip during their little tiff.

After Devin called an alliance meeting to snuff out the traitor, Zach came to Devin and told him it was him, but he didn't mean it.

Not unexpectedly, that didn't go over well with Devin, who later told Zach that he no longer trusted him.

The Veto Competition required the contestants to set up a mobile of the solar system by hanging balls without letting any of them touch the ground.

That set-up nearly gave Frankie and orgasm, but fortunately he was able to relax. "I want to do my house like that Veto Competition...Just gigantic floating balls."

Christine didn't seem to have any love for the better looking, but weaker, Paola. "Pow, she can't do anything. She can't sit, she can't stand, she can't spell, she can't hang things, hold balls."

Honestly, I think Christine was being a little hard on "Pow Pow," a/k/a Paola Shea...I  bet she's really good at holding balls. 

Devin ended up winning the POV and considered taking Brittany off the block for Zach because Brittany came to Devin and reminded him that she was a single mom...Huh?

Zach didn't understand how he got on Devin's shit list simply by truthfully telling him that he disagreed with his plan to evict Brittany.

But Frankie gave him a wake up calling by telling him, "Please, this is Big Brother, stop telling the truth!"

At the POV Meeting, Devin saved Brittany because of her single mom speech even though he had promised to use it on Paola if she threw the BOB Competition, which he had acknowledged that she had.

Given a chance to plead her case, Paola simply posed for the camera...Sigh.

I didn't realize that Paola Shea knew any poses where her arms weren't strategically placed to cover up her tits.

After pulling off his own nominee, Devin put Zach up as Brittany's replacement.

However, Brittany did not seem to appreciative of Devin's use of the POV, because immediately upon being taken off of the block she said, "Can I say something really fast.?"

Brittany then shockingly went on to addresses the house by saying that she knew her supposed friend Pow Pow threw the POV and said, "So I know what it's like to have a knife in your back."

And instead of taking her anger out on Brittany, Pow Pow lashed out at Devin, even though she was still on the block.

"We all know who he is...I'm sorry, but your (Devin) not a good person. I'd rather throw my head on a toilet bowl than stay with you another week. Brittany, you're right, he asked me to throw the Competition. Did I throw it? No, I did not throw the competition."

Of course, she was lying about not having thrown the competition, but the damage to Devin's integrity as a player had already been done.

Not one to let things rest while he was ahead, Zach declared that it was his turn to speak.

"I might have to blow up some other people's game. Frankie, don't feel threatened. Pow, you suck at everything, straight up, it's no deal. Devin, there's not an ounce of truth in your body."

It then became clear that Zach's strategy was to let the house know that his entire strategy in the gave was to get Devin evicted.

And when he said, "I'm going after you, everyone else in the house should be going after you too." even Pow Pow, his fellow nominee agreed saying, "Yup, it's cool with me."

However, while Zach thought that he was speaking for the entire Bomb Squad, they didn't necessary like being outed.

Or as Zach's "boyfriend" Frankie whined, "I have no idea why you would do that to me."

Having nominated and enraged a fellow alliance member, Devin scrambled to bring Hayden into the Bomb Squad alliance as a replacement.

That didn't turn out to be a great idea because Hayden commented, "Devin is revealing the golden bomb squad to me...I'm going to say yes to his face, when in reality my goal is going to be to blow up the Bomb Squad."

Devin did his best to seal the deal with Hayden by giving him the hollow promise,  "I promise you dude, I will never ever ever again put up another alliance member."

However, when the rest of the Bomb Squad decided that they wanted to keep fellow member Zach over Pow Pow against Devin's wishes, he told Frankie, "I'm not in this squad no more bro."

At the Eviction Ceremony Pow Pow lashed out at Devin for breaking his promise to use the POV on her saying, "I'm sorry Devin, you have five different personalities, and they all suck."

Likewise, Zach did little to campaign against Pow Pow, and told the house that Devin was his only target.

When it was all said and done, the Bomb Squad decided to back Zach over Devin, and Pow Pow evicted.

Unfortunately, there were way more naked pictures Paola Shea on her Facebook page than there were weeks that Pow Pow spent in the house.
tears "Who knew that I would be best friends with the bearded 42-year-old man in the house."

The HOH Competition called for the contestants to hit a polo ball down a course into numbered slots, kind of like Plinko on The Price is Right, with the two highest scores winning HOH honors.

And while the contest was about 90% blind luck and 20% strategy (think about it), Nicole and Derrick ended up as the HOH's.

Connie Chung also announced a twist involving devices designed to track the house guests movements to measure their laziness, and added that the results were "bound to effect the game."

Big Brother 16 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the third week.

14. Jocasta Odom - This whole Big Brother laziness monitor is not looking good for Jocasta.

13. Devin Shepherd - Devin pretty much fucked himself last week by not only polarizing his alliance with the rest of the house, but by changing his mind and nominating one of his own alliance members for eviction. Moral of the story...Don't put an alliance member up.

12. Donny Thompson - Donny was caught wearing t-shirts for both North Carolina and North Carolina State, which in my mind makes him the ultimate floater.

11. Victoria Rafaeli - After winning the first ever Battle of the Block Competition, Victoria apparently left the show and flew back to Israel, because I haven't seen her ass since.

Victoria Rafaeli: It is a great ass though.

10. Zach Rance -Zach went all in to get Devin out of the house, to the point that his own alliance even considered evicting him. He may get his way but still end up losing at the same time.

9. Brittany Martinez - Brittany apparently borrowed Joey's fake balls after she left and made a strong move last week. She's still out of the power alliance, but she at least made her presence known that she's not a weak player.

Nicole Franzel - Nicole is likely safe this week as one of the HOH's, but she's still on the outside looking in when it comes to the top alliances that could take her further in the game other than her flirtmance with Hayden.

7. Derrick Levasseur - Derrick seems like a good dude. In fact, it almost makes me think that he really isn't a cop.

6. Cody Calafiore -
What can I say, this dude is single handedly trying to bring pubes back in style...That's got to be worth something, right?

5. Amber Borzotra -
She's the initial girl in the guy's alliance, she's good looking, and Devin and Caleb both have the hots for her...I think she'll be sticking around for at least a bit.

4. Caleb Reynolds - I doubt that Caleb ever watched an episode of Big Brother before he thought about coming on the show. While he's been on the right side of things the first two weeks of the game, I'll be curious to see how he fares with two HOH's who he hasn't bonded with yet.

3. Hayden Voss - Devin bringing Hayden into the Bomb Squad was a horrible move on Devin's part, because it

2. Christine Brecht -
Christine remains under the radar, is privy to key information as a member of the Bomb Squad, but is still more closely aligned to the Freaks and Geeks without anyone really knowing.

1. Frankie Grande - Aside from Victoria, who may or may not still be on the show, Frankie has gotten very little blood on his hands while still being one of the top power players in the game.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "I'll show you all the pictures, my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, my brother with one arm"

With week one in the house having concluded with the flamboyantly gay Frankie and the racist and misogynistic Caleb sharing HOH honors, Frankie decided to take the lemons he was handed and try to make a lemon flavored shit sandwich.

"I need to make sure that Caleb is my best friend, and we can talk about all his Rascal Flats CD's, and all his beef jerky, and we're just gonna bond this week. I know it!" 

Strangely enough, Frankie and Caleb did decide to work together.

Caleb tried to justify his alliance with a gay man to his friends back home in Kentucky, Texas, or wherever the fuck he's from, looking at himself in a little too masculine of a light.

"I'm the country guy. You know, the tatted up big muscle bound guy. He's the feminine with purple hair. We live two completely different lifestyles, but we mesh so well together."

For whatever it's worth, I'm calling Frankie and Caleb the "Brokeback Alliance." 

Thereafter, we saw the formation of the "Bomb Squad" alliance, which was an all jock alliance plus Frankie, who's plan was to target all of the floaters.

Devin bailed on his "DD" alliance with Donnie in order to join the Bomb Squad, while Jocasta took a less intelligent approach to the game saying, "The only alliance I have is with God."

While they weren't close to anyone else in power, Christine and Nicole bonded over being nerdy, less overtly sexy than the other girls, and having over-sized glasses.

"Me and Nicole are just simple girls, and we shop at Walmart. We connect on things that aren't about makeup."

Sadly, when I complained last year that Big Brother casting was going too far in the direction of pageant queens, models and aspiring Maxim models, "The Girls of Walmart" wasn't quite what I had in mind.

Proving that gay men have no souls, Frankie wanted to put Victoria up for eviction even though they had immediately bonded inside the house.

Caleb wanted to target Hayden, who he clearly saw as his biggest threat after the initial POV Competition.

For the initial nominations, Caleb nominated Donnie and Pow Pow, while Frankie put up Victoria and Brittany, with both of the HOH's reasoning that they simply went with the first four contestants who dropped out of their respective HOH Competitions.

Thinking that she was Frankie's hag, Victoria was less than pleased to be nominated by him. "I wanna shove that you know what, in you know where."

Strangely, the 42-year-old school janitor Donny bonded with the ex-Maxim girl turned New York DJ Paola, a/k/a "Pow Pow," in a non-sexual way...At least I hope.

Then again, when Donny asked Paola, "What is it about me that you actually like," Pow Pow responded by saying, "You're kind of like a father figure."

Then, like any successful stripper, Paola Shea showed her ass and asked Donny if he wanted to buy a lap dance.

Frankie pulled Victoria aside and tried to tell her that she wasn't going home, and that he only nominated her because of who Caleb nominated.

However, Victoria wasn't buying his Broadway song and dance.

Thinking the game was all about him, Devin decided to go all "Sarah Palin," and asked Christine and Amber to join the all guy "Bomb Squad" alliance.

And while he said he did so because he thought that the "all guy" thing had been done before, it was clear that he had the hots for Amber, just like his bromance partner, Caleb.

Of course, it probably would have helped had Devin asked his fellow alliance members first.

Devin also became paranoid when he heard Donnie cracking jokes and didn't believe that he's really a janitor, proving that Devin's even dumber than Donnie.

Even the Bomb Squad started to grumble over Devin's behavior, with Zach commenting, "Having Devin in your alliance is 'no bueno.'"

The first ever Battle of the Block was set up 1920's ballroom style with swings hanging from the ceiling. That caused Frankie to exclaim, "I love it!" even though he wasn't even competing.

The competition required each two person team to swing towards each other and toss champagne from a glass into a vat that their partner was holding in order to fill it the fastest.

Victoria and Brittany ended up killing Donnie and Pow Pow, mainly because Pow Pow apparently never learned how to swing.

Having removed themselves from the nomination block, Brittany yelled to Victoria, "I told you everything's better with wine!"

Caleb also emerged as the sole HOH saying, "The Battle of the Block is over, and country boy is still HOH!"

Thinking that he was likely going home, Donny began to cry, not because he thought he was going home, but because everyone was being so nice to him despite the gaps between their ages and IQ's.

"These young kids care about me got me emotional. Just how nice they were, how sweet and kind they were to me."

Even the admittedly selfish Paola wanted to put Donny's game in front of hers, to which she acknowledged "is just not like me at all...I feel bad for Donny because it's very tough for me to see a grown 42-year-old man cry in front of me."

And for Paola "Pow Pow" Shea, usually it's the other way around.

And strike what I just wrote about the rest of the house being smarter than Donny. 

First off, Nicole let it slip that she was just using her time in the Big Brother house to audition for a role on Ghost Hunters or Paranormal Activity.

"I really do believe in my heart that ghosts exist, and I'm 100% sure that one's living in the Fire Room, and I'm not kidding."

Worse yet, Christina believed her.

"I'm scared to death that I'm going to be voted out week one, but...I can't be voted out if I'm dead, dead by ghosts."

Not only did Devin continue to obsess over Donny having some sort of secret identity, but he also convinced Caleb of it.

Completely over thinking the game, which I'm sure was difficult for someone like Caleb to do, he came to the conclusion that Donny was ex-military special forces.

"He's ex military, I knew it from the moment he pulled his socks up, army boots rubbed his hair raw...I know it for a fact."

That left Frankie nearly speechless.

"Devin is unbelievable. Now he's convinced Donny is a secret super soldier. So what's next Devin? Is he Justin Bieber in a beard? Is it Lady Gaga's new character persona? Is he Ariana Grande's brother? Is that it?

When Devin finally confronted Donny about who he really was, Donny pleaded his stupidity by saying, "I'll show you all the pictures, my mom, my dad, my girlfriend, my brother with one arm."

With Caleb having to name four "Have-Nots" for the week, Joey, Hayden and Brittany all volunteered.

That left them with frozen slop, or "slopsickles" as their primary food source for the week, or as someone yelled, "It smells like ass!"

The "Have-Nots" also had to spend their nights in a frozen Ice Room, that may or may not have been haunted like the Fire Room was. 

Joey tried to put together an "All Girl" alliance not knowing that Amber was already a member of the Bomb Squad, or what Joey suspected was an "All Guy" alliance. 

Sure enough, Amber threw Joey and her plan under the bus to Caleb, who immediately targeted Joey for eviction.

For some reason Joey confessed to Devin that she tried to start an "All Girl" alliance but went down in flames trying.

That caused Devin to comment, "Joey, you admitting that you tried to start an 'All Girl' alliance just proved to me that your the worst player in BB history.

And while telling Devin that was not necessarily the smartest move on Joey's part, she's still not as dumb as Devin is for thinking Donny was some sort of government sponsored killing machine.

The POV Competition had the contestants jump in a pool and retrieve letters one at a time in order to spell longest word in the time they were allotted.

Caleb made the mistake of thinking that he'd be competitive because he graduated high school, while Pow Pow called the competition the "worst foam party I've ever been to."

Donny didn't like his odds saying, "Maybe they think that I'm smarter than I let on, and I'm not."

However, it was Cody who misspelled the word "competitively."

When Pow Pow didn't even come up with a word in a competition that she needed to ensure her safety in the game, Donny accidentally came up with an eight letter word, "splitters," and won the POV.

With Donny taking himself off the block, Caleb chose Joey as a replacement nominee, and that gave Pow Pow hope.

"I'm still on the block, but it's okay, because I've got big mouth Joey standing next to me."

Apparently Joey's strategy on Big Brother After Dark was to show everyone her ass and boobs to take their minds off of her giant mouth. 

Knowing that she was in trouble, Joey brought out her male alter ego, Alex, who lobbied the girls to stick together and keep her in the game by walking around the house in pants with a stuffed crotch, a drawn on beard, and yelling at people like she was a giant douche bag.

So in other words, Joey dressed up like Caleb Reynolds.

Speaking of Caleb, he made a unilateral decision that Amber wanted him.

His reasoning? "She never wants to be alone in the same area as as not to show people."

Unable to help himself, or should I say control himself, Caleb did his best to completely creep Amber out by putting her on the spot and saying, "I see the way you look at me during the day...You look at me a lot."

Politely rejecting Caleb's advances, Amber left the room saying, "This is so uncomfortable."

Sadly, neither Joey's boobs nor her fake penis were enough to save her, and she was evicted in a unanimous vote.

After Joey was evicted, the house guests immediately moved to a "Greek Week" themed HOH Competition where they had to successfully transfer six kegs of beer across a balance beam, or as we called them in college, "a sidewalk."

With the girls competing against the girls, and the boys against the boys, Amber won the female HOH. Surprisingly, frat boy Zach didn't even finish in the running for the guys.

In the end, Cody was announced as the other HOH.

However, instant replay showed that he fell of his balance beam with his leg hitting the ground just before he hit his buzzer, which DQ'd him and gave the crown to Devin instead.

That turned out to be a pretty big change when it came to who was in charge.

Or as Frankie said even after Devin picked him up and smacked him on his ass, "I feel like Devin just going to do crazy things like he's been doing all week, and I don't really trust him."

Big Brother 16 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the second week.

15. Jocasta Odom - How this ultra religious loudmouth (although not yet on the show) managed to avoid nomination over some younger and more likeable contestants is beyond me.

14. Brittany Martinez - Devin seems to hate her, and with Devin winning HOH on a technicality...

13. Paola Shea - Her willingness to get naked moves her up several slots on this list, or from #15 to #13.

Paola Shea: Pow Pow trying to cover her fake pillows with a pillow.

12. Donny Thompson - Honestly, I've been dogging on Donny, but he seems like a really nice and likable guy who would never do anything to hurt anybody. Then again, so did the dude from Slingblade.

11. Victoria Rafaeli - When Frankie won HOH Victoria declared, "Obviously, I need to be treated like a princess, so that bathroom is meant for the princess. Because Frankie won HOH I'm going to get to shower there all week."

10. Zach Rance - While he's currently unemployed, Zach is going to parlay his Big Brother experience into one heck of a job as a used car salesman.

9. Nicole Franzel - As they say in the South, "Bless her heart." As we say in the North, "She's fucking stupid." 

8. Hayden Voss -
Hayden seems to be playing both sides, which is dangerous, yet intriguing in an experimental gay kind of way.

7. Derrick Levasseur -
We kind of find it ironic that this cop from Rhode Island has a pig nose.

Derrick Levasseur: Oink Oink, my good man!"

6. Cody Calafiore -
Last week I wrote about Zach, "This guy is so closet gay, I'll be shocked if he isn't hooking up with Frankie in another few weeks." It turns out I was wrong, Cody wasn't the closet gay guy, it was Zach.

5. Amber Borzotra -
She's in the guy alliance, they all love her, and she's pretty hot.

Amber Borzotra: Plus she gets naked...What's not to like?

4. Caleb Reynolds -
Caleb thinks he is running the game, I just hope that someone has the balls to stand up to him...Unfortunately, Joey got sent home.
3. Devin Shepherd -
Devin is a complete idiot, but as HOH, he's at least safe for part of the week as one of the two HOH's.

2. Christine Brecht -
Does anybody else think that Christine might be Will Heuser's sister, or maybe even Will impersonating a female to get back on the show?

Nevermind, he's already done that.

1. Frankie Grande -
Make no mistake about it, Frankie is running this game. He's taken charge of what was once the all male alliance, he has all of the girls wanting to be his hag, and he has a "straight" guy as his spoon buddy.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "I used to be a bed wetter"

This week saw Andi traveling to the Dominican Republic for the Fantasy Suite dates.

That gave her the opportunity to sleep with her final three guys before she broke all of their hearts by choosing a TV career over a relationship, which is going to be sad because for the first time in years all of the finalists in a Bachelor related show all seem to be "all in."

First up was Nick, who not only arrived via the Batch-Copter, but then left with Andi via the Batch-Copter for a date on a secluded beach, which wasn't a bad start for a guy who nearly managed to get through an entire Bachelor/Bachelorette season as a helicopter virgin. 

While Nick tried to tell Andi that he loved her couldn't quite pull the trigger.

"I kind of ramble and try to put sentences together."

However, later in the evening Nick read Andi a story he wrote, complete with a cover and illustrations about their time together on the show.

As an added touch, Nick left a whole bunch of pages empty at the end to imply that their story wasn't finished...Well, either that, or he ran out of time before their date.

At the end of the story Nick kind of finally told Andi that he loved her saying, "I love what I know about you," which earned him the keys to the Fantasy Suite for the night. 

After test driving Nick, Andi moved on to Josh, whom she took on a date out on the town.

In a missed opportunity, Josh was offered a local aphrodisiac, but instead of saying that he didn't need any because he was with Andi, he readily accepted. 

Andi confessed to the camera that her biggest question about Josh (this week) was whether he's serious enough for her.

Josh Murray

Josh was more than willing to tell Andi that he loved her and wanted to marry her, and earned points after Andi warned how she can be difficult by shooting back, "You've already been difficult with me," in reference to their up and down courtship. 

Andi offered Josh the Fantasy Suite, who readily accepted by saying, "Of course...Absolutely," especially after Andi told him that she wanted to connect with him without all the glamor involved...If you know what she meant. 

Last up was Chris, who started off in a hole with Andi calling it a "make or break date," which was unbeknownst to him.

Andi took Chris horseback riding, which did little to help Chris' case considering that she appeared terrified of the thought of even having the horsepower of "one" between her legs.

Apparently never having watched the Kentucky Derby Andi cried, "They're faster than I thought!"

And while Andi told Chris that his was "the best family she ever met," she struggled to tell him that he just wasn't the best guy.

Thinking that he was riding a hot streak, Chris gushed, "Believe it or not, I don't normally have dates in the middle of corn fields and drive tractors around."

Sadly, unlike the other guys, Chris seemed to want to discuss the logistics of a future with Andi, asking her, "I don't want to beat a dead horse, especially after riding horses all day, but where are you at?" in reference to whether she was feeling living on a farm in Iowa.

But when Andi told Chris that she was struggling with the whole Fantasy Suite thing, you could see in his eyes that he knew he was done, although he kept trying to be positive.

However, the writing was on the wall, and Andi sent Chris home before the Rose Ceremony in order to be respectful to him as a great guy, or dare I say, a potential Bachelor.

While Andi tried her best to lie and be diplomatic she said, "I'd rather tell you that I'm trying and trying and it's not there than blame it on Iowa," what she really meant to say was, "I've already accepted a position on The View and I can't possibly move to Iowa.

And when Andi tried to explain, "My head and heart don't match up, it just doesn't match up," Chris made it easy on her by saying, "I should probably go...You did the right thing, and you're an amazing woman."

And the next Bachelor is...Chris Soules. If it isn't, I'd hate to be the girl he meets on that he takes his sexual frustration out on.

In the end, Andi seemed to get over cutting Chris loose, and we got to see her and Nick swap embarrassing stories.

And when Nick volunteered, "I used to be a bed wetter," Andi was a little too quick to volunteer, "Me too! The worst, until middle school!"

And realizing that he had a one in two chance of winning that bladder after child birth and another 40 years, the look on Nick's face was priceless.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "He's the hottest farmer ever!"

This week saw Andi traveling Wisconsin, Iowa, Texas and Florida for her hometown dates with her final four guys.

First up was Nick, who took Andi to his hometown of Milwaukee.

While I've always hated Andi Dorfman, she's never looked better than she did as a "Northern gal." Of course, she did refuse to say "Go Packers."

Nick took Andii to a brewery where they drank and polka'd the night away.

And maybe it was just he beer, cheese and sausages talking, but there was something about being in Wisconsin that actually made Nick seem likable.

After meeting Nick's 18 siblings, Andi moved on to Iowa, where Chris taught her all about corn.

Of course, when Andi asked Chris about her potential life in Iowa, his initial response was the word "Homemaker," which probably wasn't going sit well with someone who's been looking to use the Bachelorette as a springboard to a career on television.

However, when Andi walked out to his back yard, or as people in Iowa call it, the field, she genuinely seemed to get turned on.

Apparently not realizing what exactly farmers do, when Andi saw Chris's John Deer tractor she exclaimed, "Shut up, you drive this? He's the hottest farmer ever."

As a fellow city girl, Andi got a good sales pitch from Chris' mom, who well for Chris' dad, "Farmer Ted" back in the 1980's.

We also learned that Andi and Chris' mom had at least one thing in common when his mom told Andi about what attracted her to his dad, "When he'd get out of that tractor, it would just stop my heart."

As it turned out, Chris's mom turned out to be a hell of a saleswoman, as she seemingly convinced Andi that life on a farm in Iowa wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing...Assuming that her TV gig's fall through.

Andi next traveled to Tampa, where Josh brought her to the field where he used to play baseball.

That caused Andi to say, "He's hot when he's playing baseball. Even though he's dripping with sweat, he's still hot."

However, Andi still had worries that Josh and his family were all about his brother, Aaron, and his pending NFL career.

As it turned out, Josh and his family seemed more happy to catch up with Josh than have The Bachelorette in their house, which did not seem to go over well with the aspiring diva.

Interestingly, Josh Murray's mom looks like an aged enhanced picture of Andi Dorfman.Let's see how that goes over in the Fantasy Suite.

Lastly, Andi traveled to Texas to see Marcus, who greeted her by uncomfortably re-enacting the strip tease that he was so reluctant to perform on their first Group Date.

However, that didn't creep out Andi like it did the rest of America.

"Marcus re-enacted our first date, which was him stripping down, and I was not complaining...He's one of the hottest guys I've ever dated. Ever!"

As Andi talked to Marcus' family, even they seemed surprised that he opened up to her, which probably didn't bode well for his chances.

In a more somber moment, Chris Harrison brought the cast together to reveal to them that Eric Hill died in a tragic hang-gliding accident just before Andi was to hand out the Hometown Date Roses.

Knowing that she had treated Eric harshly when she sent him home despite having the best initial chemistry, Andi kind of flipped out, and deservedly so.

"There's a part of me that feels guilty...I can't believe that was my last conversation with someone."

After she pulled herself together, Andi shocked everyone when she gave the final Rose to Nick over Marcus, who Andi had seemed really attracted to.

But as Andi told him, she knew that he'd give her the world, but while she was attracted to him, she was not in love with him.

And while the overly possessive Marcus initially seemed put off with Andi because of her decision to send him home, he backtracked and left the door open for a restraining order.

"I shouldn't have told her that I loved her...I believed in something that wasn't there...The sad thing, is that I'm still in love with her."

Actually, the sad part for Marcus is that he isn't going to be the next Bachelor, nor is Nick, which leaves the real contest open for Chris and Josh.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "He just plants one on me. I'm like, 'You go farmer!'"

This week Andi and the guys traveled to Brussels, where Jean-Claude-Van Damme showed up in a suit trying to join the show.

In actuality, I should have known not to waste much time on this week's episode, because when Chris Harrison doesn't bill an episode as "the most shocking" or "the most exciting" Bachelorette episode ever, you pretty much know that it's going to suck. 

And that was exactly the case this week, although it did come out that Andi really is just using her time as the Bachelorette to posture for a full time TV gig, just as I had been predicting since she threw Juan Pablo under the bus.

Marcus kicked things off by getting the first 1-on-1 Date, and bored Andi at dinner before telling her that his dad not only abandoned him, but partially blamed him for leaving, and that mom was abused him.

"She did the best she could with me with what she was given and how her childhood, how she was brought up."

And given that Marcus was white and not black, Andi concluded that his experience as a child would make him do the opposite and be a good father, basically cementing him a spot in the final four.

Nick decided to make a big move, and stalked Ali in her hotel room after she came home from her date with Marcus.

Pretending he was Andi's husband who had locked himself out of his room, Nick not only got Andi's room number from the front desk, but a key as well.

Fortunately, he didn't have to use it, as Andi opened the door when he knocked, and went outside with him where the made out and dry humped like a couple of 14-year-olds. 

Josh got the second 1-on-1 Date, who Andi was physically attracted to, but desperately wanted to open up emotionally.

When Andi took Josh to an old castle, he told her that he didn't like it when he saw her talking to other guys, but smoothed over his over over-possessiveness by telling her that he was falling in love with her. 

That caused Andi to perk up with excitement to the extent that I thought she was going to let Josh screw her right then and there.

However, when she said to him, "There's only one more thing for us to do," she took him outside where they were treated to yet another private concert from a crappy band.

"Josh told me tonight that he is falling in love. Today is a day I will never give up, I'll never forget, I'll always have today."

At least Josh Murray might appreciate the ridiculous scarves that the Bachelorette contestants are being given this season.

...And for those of us betting like I was, I think we know who the winner is going to be. 

The Group Date only had four guys left, where they went to the ruins of another castle, which was within the walls of a monastery that apparently only had one rule, NO KISSING!

Nick was not pleased to be sharing his time with the other guys saying, "I cannot wait to never see you guys again," but he didn't say it in a cool or funny way.

At the castle, Andi snuck off with Chris and took him to a pottery barn just outside of the monastery walls where they had an awesome threesome with Whoopi Goldberg.

Like Josh, Chris also told Andi that he was falling in love with her, as did Marcus and Nick...Well, Nick only told Andi that he was going to marry her, but you get the point.

Pretending that he was a girl trying to manipulate a guy into telling him that she loved him first, Nick, teased Andi by saying, "I never felt someone fall...whatever."

When Andi pressed Nick about what the rest of what he was going to say was he said, "I don't want to put words in your mouth," and she totally ate it up.

Sure enough, Nick Viall got the Group Date Rose.

That caused him to say, "Andi gives me the Group Date Rose and I honestly feel like she just told me that she loves me."

More importantly, the other guys had to go home while Nick got to continue the date with just Andi.

That pissed the other guys off, who confronted him when he eventually came back to the hotel for being fake, too strategic, and a douche bag.

Nick insisted that he really did like Andi, saying, "I can't control what guys say about me. I can't control what guys think about me."

At the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, Chris grabbed Andi and took her aside.

And while I thought she was going to use that time to bitch to Andi about Nick, he just grabbed grabbed her and kissed her.

Or as Andi said, "He just plants one on me. I'm like, you go farmer!"

Chris Soules: So when Iowa plays Nebraska in football, who does the corn root for?

In the end, that proved to be enough, as while Andi commented that she was relatively sure that she wanted to go on hometown dates with Josh, Nick and Marcus, she selected "Farmer Chris" over Coach and Dylan as her final selection.

Of course, that was just because she preferred  Iowa's corn over Pennsylvania's Amish country, as we already know that Andi is going to pick Josh barring some kind of strange twist.