Thursday, February 16, 2012

Blogging Survivor: One World - "He can't be Tarzan, I'm Troyzan"

As the contestants gathered on the beach to await their tribal assignments for Survivor: One World, Jeff Probst asked a few introductory questions to get a feel for their personalities.

When he asked Colton about the other men in the game, the college student from rural Alabama put it all on the table and left no doubt that he was openly gay by responding, "There are some good looking guys. They're not as good looking as me, but they're good looking."

Just to get things straight, Colton is proud to be a Queen, not a King.

When Jeff asked Greg what his name was, the scruffy plastic surgeon belted out, "Tar-zan!" Jeff followed up by asking if that was really his birth name, and Greg responded by saying his birth name was "Greg Tar-zan," which is pretty much the same thing as "Greg Smith," the name listed on his CBS bio...So nice try, dick.

Troy seemed genuinely disappointed that Greg dubbed himself "Tarzan," as he whined, "He can't be Tarzan, I'm 'Troy-zan.'" Since Troy raises a family of pet monkeys, I don't doubt for a second that his plan to become "Troy-zan" simply fell victim to a slightly more aggressive middle aged douchebag. In fact, since Greg is a plastic surgeon and Troy is a swimsuit photographer, if Greg sends Troy a few post-op bimbos to get their pictures taken, I'm sure they can work through this and get along just fine.

When Jeff announced that the two tribes would be divided by gender, Colston looked like he took a crap in his John Sievers before he pouted, "I'm the girl within the guys tribe." Jeff then gave each tribe 60 seconds to unload supplies from a truck that they would be allowed take to their respective camps.

In a move that quickly created animosity between the two tribes, Jonas and Michael stole tools that the girls had set aside for themselves when they weren't paying attention. Kim called that incident as a bonding moment for the girls. "The girls were like 'women power,' which I'm not a big fan of, but I'm going with it!"

The two tribes struggled to lug their supplies through the jungle as they tried to follow maps to their respective camps, not yet realizing that they were one in the same. Jonas was impressed by Leif, who is just the third "little person" to participate on Survivor following Russell and Brandon Hantz. "The guy that impressed me the most...was Leif. He was carrying the heaviest thing out of anybody. He's a buff little dude."

Alicia, a special ed teacher from Chicago, quickly formed an alliance based upon her perception of who the four strongest women in the Salani Tribe were. Narcissisticly including herself, Alicia also sought out Chelsea, Kimberly, Sabrina and Kat. For the purpose of being politically incorrect, let's call them "Alicia and the Speds."

Because they were all "young, fit guys," Matt sought out an alliance with Mike, Jay and Bill. Matt quickly used his power to threaten Colton, who had instantly bonded with the ladies upon realizing that they'd be sharing the same camp. Colton realized that Matt was a dick, and pretty much just played along.

Colton seemed to strike a bond with Sabrina in particular, who gave him the nickname "Country Club Colton." As catchy as that may be, I'm not all that confident that it's going to stick. Personally, I'd go with the "Al Banana Slamma."

The tribes quickly realized that there were several "free range" chickens roaming near camp. Having access to organic food must have been exciting news for Kourtney (the tatted-up hipster motorcycle mechanic from Austin, TX), assuming that she wasn't on a vegan kick as hipsters like to do from time to time in order to get attention.

While the guys and the girls worked together to catch the chickens, it was Chelsea who caught not one, but two chickens on her own. More impressively, she caught the second one while she still had her hand rung around the neck of the first. The redneck girl from Charleston, SC pretty much took the saying, "A bird in hand beats two in the bush," and pissed down its throat.

In her free time, Chelsea also likes to kill dolphins.

When Matt asked Chelsea for one of the two chickens for the guys tribe since they had worked together to catch them, she balked, noting how the guys had stolen the girls tools and supplies. However, the tide quickly turned when the men were able to build fire on their own and the women weren't.

Desperate for fire for heat and to cook with, and perhaps sensing that she's not as hot as she thought she was, Alicia asked the men if they'd give the women some fire coals if Monica agreed to take her pants off or danced naked. Fortunately for her husband, ex-NFL Pro Bowler Brad Culpepper, Monica seemed more than willing to drop trow before the men rejected their offer.

No stranger to slutty women getting naked, swimsuit photographer Troy said, "The girls are so typical...I've been around for 50-years. Lady, you didn't come over here with your set of taters on you, and walkin' around in your bikini. You ain't gonna get fire from me."

In what could have been a brilliant move, Monica and Christina waited for the men to fall asleep before sneaking over and stealing some of their fire. However, their plan backfired when they let their newly acquired flame go out by the next morning. That left Christina to broker a deal for the men to build the women fire in return for the women weaving 20 palm-fronds for their shelter.

For some reason, Alicia took Christina's bartering as an indication that she was working with the men. Of course in doing so, she ignored the fact that she pretty much tried to do the same thing, only making the mistake of trying to use Monica's ass as currency instead of woven palm fronds, which were much more valuable to the men than old booty.

In a stroke of luck, Sabrina began searching for, and then immediately found a hidden Immunity Idol. Unfortunately for her, it was for the Monaro Tribe, and the instructions required her to give it to one of the men before Tribal Council.

Sabrina ended up giving her Idol to Colton, who previously declared finding the Idol his only way to stay in the game. "There's only two things gonna keep me in this game, and that's the Idol and Jesus, and he ain't showing up."

The first Immunity Challenge consisted of an obstacle course that included a long jump onto a cargo net. Kourtney appeared to land on her wrist, and Jeff halted the challenge in its initial stages when it appeared that she had substantially injured herself.

When Kourtney could not physically continue, Jeff gave the guys the option of sending the girls to Tribal Council or finishing the contest.

 Kourtney might have fractured her wrist in multiple places, but at least she stopped cutting herself.

When the guys elected to send the girls to Tribal Council, Troy explained, "There's no way you guys would say 'let's play on.' You just wouldn't do it, I just don't buy it. Kim played Devil's advocate for the girls by saying, "I'm from Texas, men are chivalrous, grew up watching westerns...No guy I know wouldn't made that choice."

At Tribal Council, Alicia made the unfortunate decision to call out Christina for bartering with the men to get fire. Much to Alicia's surprise, Christina stood up for herself after Alicia called her deal with the men "shady." When Alicia demanded to know why she snapped at her, Christina shot back, "Because you're wrong, okay? SO SHUT UP!"

A girl with glasses plus an attitude, I like it!

Not only did Alicia seem to lose face in front of her tribe, but her decision to confront Christina turned out to be insult on top of injury when Jeff announced that Kourtney had fractured her wrist in multiple places and would be unable to continue on with the game, eliminating the need for Salani to vote anyone out.

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