Monday, February 20, 2012

The Bachelor Blog - "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?"

And just like that, we're down to the Final Four contestants and their hometown dates. As I watched this episode, I quickly realized how boring The Bachelor can be when there aren't multiple girls in the same room getting passive aggressive with each other.

First up was Lindzi, the equestrian from Seattle, who for for some reason had her hometown date in Ocala, Florida. From what we could gather, Lindzi's family either really likes riding around in horse drawn carriages, or they're secretly on the Amish down-low.

Lindzi had the friendly and welcoming parents, who pointed out that they got married at the same City Hall in San Francisco where she and Ben had their first date. Unfortunately, Lindzi doesn't quite seem to have that deep of a relationship with Ben for being in the Final Four, as she only told him that she had previously lived with her ex-boyfriend for the past two years just before he met her parents.

Next up was Kacie B., who took Ben back to her hometown of Clarksville, TN, where she apparently used to perform in an all black college marching band...You know, because the fantastic marching bands from historically black colleges put a premium on white girls who kind of know how to twirl a baton.

I'd normally make fun of Kacie B.'s weight gain during the show at this point, but in light of her revelation that she used to have an eating disorder, I'm afraid that she'll accidentally come across this blog by Googling her name and end up doing something drastic...Like cutting herself.

Being good Christians, Kacie B.'s parents were not too open to The Bachelor experience. Apparently having your daughter date on television or live with a man out wedlock are about as well received in the bible belt as public dance.

Kacie's mom informed Ben that she did not want her daughter living with him in the event that they got engaged, and that she hopes "It lasts forever...To me, that's what marriage is," because apparently nothing ensures that a marriage will last forever more than having two people never having lived together before they tie the knot.

Ben assured Kacie's mom that he did "value the sanctity of marriage," which is totally evident by the two reality shows that he's now appeared on competing for the prize of marrying someone he hardly knows. That seemed to appease Kacie's mother, who surely would have had no problem watching Ben skinny dip with Courtney on national TV in the event that he ultimately chose her daughter.

Nicki brought Ben to Fort Worth, Texas where she said, "The last time I brought a man home under these circumstances, I married him." Apparently mistaking true love for a reality show, and Ben for a doll, Nicki took him shopping and dressed him in local attire, a ridiculous looking cowboy hat and boots.

Ben's new cowboy wardrobe will come in handy in the even that he ultimately chooses Lindzi.

By the time that Nicki announced that Ben was going to meet her mother, her father and her brother, I was so bored that I found myself secretly saying to myself, "Please let her brother be retarded, please let her brother retarded," just to add some levity to the situation.

While Nicki's parents were concerned about their daughter, they also were very welcoming towards Ben. In fact, her mom was an older, fatter and friendlier version of Kacie B.'s mother...Kind of like how Nicki is just an older and fatter version of Kacie B.

Last but not least was Courtney's much anticipated hometown date. More specifically, we got to meet the woman who has been quoted as saying that Ben is not hot enough to date her daughter in light of the more famous men she has dated.

While Courtney did issue an apology of sorts on camera as to how she regretted the way she treated the other girls in the house, she continued to play the role of victim in her past relationships. "I haven't been with a guy ever that hasn't ended up hurting me or letting me down."

Of course, it's been well documented in the tabloids how Courtney broke things off with a boyfriend who thought they were in a serious relationship immediately before coming on the show, and how she's ended relationships with several celebrities because she wanted to continue on with her partying ways rather than settle down.

Now the tabloids are reporting another tidbit of gossip...That Courtney is worried that her ex-boyfriend might release a sex tape. Keep in mind that he hasn't threatened to do so or even brought the subject up, I guess she's just concerned that he might try to sell the tape to add insult to injury "for letting her down." Sounds to me like a classic case of someone putting a feeler out to see what the market might bring, but that's just my opinion.

Bachelor contestant Courtney Robertson might not be everyone's cup of tea, but I suppose she would have the Admiral Ackbar fetish market covered at Com-Con.

Courtney concluded her hometown date by taking Ben to the park where either she had her first modeling gig, lost her virginity, or both. She then pointed out a wedding gazebo, and had them write and recite vows to each other.

If Ben still had any doubts about choosing Courtney as his winner in the end out of concerns about her sincerity, they went out the window when she told him that she was in love with him. Then again, it turns out she lifted her fake wedding vows from Sex and the City. I'm not saying it cheapens anything, because Sex in the City was an incredibly romantic show, but buyer beware.

After discussing his hometown dates with Chris Harrison, which allowed them to burn ten minutes by recapping the episode within the same episode, Ben handed out Roses to his three finalists. Possibly staying true to a promise that he made to her father that he would eliminate her sooner rather than later if he knew she wasn't the one, Ben sent Kacie B home.

Given that Kacie B's parents all but confirmed that she would be of little value to him in the Fantasy Suite next week, Ben decided to send her home in favor of girls he knew would put out. Clearly caught off guard by the announcement, the normally calm and collected Kacie B. lost control and yelled out, "This is why I don't love!...What the fuck happened? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!?"

The limousine then whisked her off to the nearest In-N-Out Burger for a couple of double deuces before she caught the next plane back to Tennessee 10 pounds heavier than when she came, and with a new incentive to go back to having her finger for dessert.

The next stop (as announced by Ben): "It's perfect for falling in love. It's romantic. It's full of mountains and snow. It's glamorous and luxurious." You might ask, could it possibly be...Gatlinberg, Tennessee? Nope, just boring old Switzerland.

Roses To:
(My rankings and critique of each of The Bachelor's final four contestants)

3. Nicki - Ben concluded his hometown date with Nicki by saying, "I have a gut feeling about Nicki," which I think was his way of saying that he has a bad feeling about her gut.

2. Lindzi - On their date, we heard Ben ask Lindzi, "Teach me how to do this thing," and Lindzi respond, "Here, let me take the whip." Unfortunately, they were just talking about riding in one of Lindzi's horse drawn carriages, which is the fundamental difference between Lindzi's relationship with Ben and Courtney's...When Courtney says something that sounds ridiculously sexual like that, we can pretty much take that statement literally. Lindzi, not so much.

1. Courtney - Hats off to Courtney's fatter sister toasting her entire family by saying, "Here's to many more skinny dipping trips in the ocean...That's all I have to say," as Courtney's mother giggled and her father nodded like he was awkwardly acklowedging that both his wife and daughter are both sluts. At least Courtney's sister is chubby enough to preserve the family's last vestige of chastity...That is, assuming that the Khloe Kardashian doppleganger hasn't found a Lamar to love her for her curves just yet.

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