Friday, February 17, 2012

2012 NASCAR Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin': Because if NASCAR's a sport, Danica Patrick's a better athlete than Dale Jr.

The 2012 NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, beginning with the sports biggest race of the year. Then, after the Budweiser Shootout, comes the Daytona 500.

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from puttin' in a chaw, setting up a lawn chair in a field near the highway so I can watch the NASCAR tractor trailers drive past my town, and predicting the 2012 Sprint Cup results.

As we all know, NASCAR doesn't exactly attract the the cream of the crop of our gene pool. Fortunately, the races are mother nature's way of reducing the crud that has formed at the bottom of society's pan.

When you have a bunch of rednecks driving around in circles, one of them will inevitably slam into a wall going 200 mph every so often. For society's sake, we can only hope that none of those drivers knocked-up any 18-year-old groupies/aspiring Bachelor contestants before heading on to the big track in the sky.

...And by "big track in the sky," I mean Bristol.

While most race fans take to restrictor plates about as favorably as they would the spawn of Barack Obama and Richard Simmons, everyone knows that NASCAR's Sprint Cup winner has less to do with the driver and more with the car. It's kind of like going go-cart racing. If you make the mistake of picking the slow car, you can expect to get passed by the retarded 8-year-old kid who started behind you no matter how well you drive or how many times he hits the tires.

With all the talking, rubbin' and fighting going on at the races these days, NASCAR's really only one step away from pro wrestling. Since the sport already has heroes and villains amongst its fans, I'd like to see NASCAR diversify racially.

NASCAR just might be open to the idea too, as they recently denied PGA golfer Bubba Watson's request to drive his "General Lee" from the Dukes of Hazzard in a Parade Lap around the Phoenix International Speedway before a March 4th Sprint Cup race because of its depiction of the Confederate Flag on its roof.

Leave it to a dude named  "Bubba" from the "Redneck Coast" of Florida to want to rock the General Lee and its Confederate Flag at a NASCAR track. Then again, if Bubba Watson didn't do it, I'm pretty sure that Boo Weekley would have.

If many of the drivers are already on unequal playing fields in terms of the cars they drive, why not bring in an all African-American driving team and give them just a slight engine advantage over all the other teams?...Let's call it "NASCAR: Affirmative Traction" in order to remedy years and years of discrimination in the sport, including NASCAR actually taking a victory away from African-American driver Wendell Scott simply because the southern track he won at wasn't willing to crown a black winner.

Think of the ratings NASCAR would generate if that African-American team (sponsored by Cadillac, of course) parlayed that slight car advantage into a series of wins, and then played the heel by talking shit about the racial injustices of the South in their post race interviews. Of course, we'd have to ban guns and all beer sales from NASCAR tracks, so that just may end up being counterproductive in that it would alienate the target fan base.

My favorite part of this video is how the initial reaction of the crowd was to cheer when the school bus modified into a demolition derby racer crashed through the wall and into the stands.

I'd also like to see some changes made to increase driver strategy so the sport is not so car dependent. As NASCAR currently stands, the only strategic decision is when to gas up or get new tires, and frankly, that's no more strategic than running a routine errand on your way home from work. If you like the fights in NASCAR now, just wait until you see what would happen if drivers could earn bonus points, and cash them in by making rival drivers run extra laps or use restrictor plates.

(Who the Top 10 finishers in the 2012 Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. Jeremy Mayfield - I'm predicting a triumphant return to NASCAR this year for "The White Dragon" after the courts grant Mayfield's request to throw out his positive drug test for Meth, a failed follow-up drug test, and a subsequent arrest for possession of that same drug on the grounds that he was simply taking Clairitan D for allergies and Adderall for ADD. Mayfield brings a whole new meaning to the NASCAR phrase, "Need for speed."

Jeremy Mayfield may no longer be a NASCAR champion, but he's still the king of his own double-wide "Trailer Palace."

9. Kurt Busch - Kyle Bush lost his license to a DUI, but was able to continue racing. He was later named "Honorary Deputy" in the town where his DUI occurred after the Sheriff's Office unsuccessfully tried to cover-up his arrest. He also verbally assaulted ESPN's Dr. Jerry Punch after a race...What a guy.

8. Kyle Busch - This was ESPN NASCAR reporter Marty Smith's account of what took place when 65-year-old Richard Childress kicked a then 26-year-old Kyle Busch's ass for intentionally running into one of his team's cars. "He took off his wrist watch, walked up to Bush, got him in the headlock and went to beatin' on him...Just went to beatin' on his head." Throw in the fact that Kyle, like his brother Kurt, had his real life drivers license suspended, and these two are a modern day Frank and Jesse James.

7. Jimmie Johnson - Since NASCAR drivers aren't really athletes, traditional PED's like steroids and HGH really aren't necessary. Racers are more like truckers...So long as you give them some speed, a milk jug to piss into and a few white trash chicks show them their tits, they're pretty much in their happy place. Aside from their wives, the place where cheating comes into play in NASCAR is in the garage, and Jimmie Johnson's crew is no stranger to a few "performance enhancing slugs."  

6. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - "Little E" is out to avenge his father's death...As soon as he's done making money off of his dear old dad's name.

A fridge full of nothing but Bud Light, Mountain Dew, frozen pizza and Lunchables; a neglected cat; and a book shelf with no books...Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s house on MTV's Cribs was pretty much just what I was expecting.

5. Jeff Gordon - It's not like Jeff Gordon tore an ACL and lost a step, or that his driving skills suddenly diminished. He's simply drawn the crappy car at the go-cart track the last few years. Plus with the motto of, "More rainbows and less elbows," he's the lone pacifist on the circuit.

4. Danica Patrick - A woman race car driver? What's next, an Asian? I was initially opposed to the thought of calling NASCAR a sport, or its drivers athletes. However, I became absolutely giddy at the thought of the "Go Daddy Girl" winning a couple of races and proving that she's on par or even athletically superior to the likes of Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Tony Stewart. 

Not wanting to be outdone by her male NASCAR rivals, Danica Patrick finds out what it feels like to be on the other end of a "mamo-graph."

3. Carl Edwards - His ability to do a back-flip from the hood of his car after victories distinguishes Carl Edwards as the greatest athlete in NASCAR history. In fact, he just might be the only athlete in NASCAR history.  

2. Tony Stewart -It doesn't look good for the sport when NASCAR's "bad boy" gets his ass kicked after picking a fight with an Australian track owner. He also tried to go all "Billy Bad-Ass" and bully an officiating crew. Fortunately, he's never assaulted a woman...Oh wait, he's been accused of that too. At least we know that Danica Patrick won't get a free pass if she puts Tony Stewart into the Dale Earnhardt Sr. Memorial Wall at Turn 3 of the Daytona International Speedway...Tony might not win that fight based upon his past history, but at least we know that Danica won't be gettin' away with nuthin' just because she got "taters."


Somebody needs to remind Tony Stewart that being fat does not necessarily equate to being tough.

1. Kasey Kahne - Along with Tony Stewart and Kurt Busch, Kasey Kahne is one of three drivers in NASCAR's Top Ten from 2011 to have either physically or verbally assaulted a track official, a security guard, an announcer or a female fan. So the next time that any of you NASCAR fans from the Old South bitch about the NBA, or about something that a particular NBA player does, you need to think long and hard about your own before making any kind of judgment.

This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or any evangelical church for that matter.

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