Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Bachelor Blog: "That God damn bitch!"

This week we found Ben and the remaining Bachelor contestants in Belize. With only six girls left, it was announced that there would be three 1-on-1 dates, and one Group Date. However, no roses would be handed out on the 1-on-1 dates, while the winner of the Group Date Rose would receive a guaranteed spot in the final four and take Ben home to meet her family.

Lindzi was awarded the first 1-on-1 date, which caused Emily to playfully whine, "Watching Ben today feels like someone sliced a delicious piece of cheesecake, put it in front of me, and then someone else came and picked it up and said bye-bye and then walked away - with my cheesecake and swim trunks.

Surprisingly, Emily is one of the few girls left who has not gained weight...I'm not going to say who did, but their names rhyme with Nicki, Kacie B. and Courtney.

From what I can gather on the "Al Gore," Courtney Robertson's had all of one real modeling gig. With all of the booze she's consuming while on The Bachelor, I don't think she'll be getting a call-back from "Fitness" anytime soon...Although, with the propensity she has for taking off her clothes, "Penthouse" might be in her future.

The date began with (big surprise here) a helicopter ride. The Batch-copter took Ben and Lindzi to a secluded coral reef that circled a 500 foot ledge in the ocean called "The Blue Hole." The Producers must not have realized that Lindzi was terrified of heights, as Ben informed her that they were going to jump from the helicopter and into the water. That caused Lindzi to exclaim, "Holy shit-balls, I jumped out of a helicopter! That was crazy!"

Later, Lindzi and Ben came upon a candle lit pier which caused Lindzi to ask, "Is this for us?" I was kind of hoping that Ben would sigh, and awkwardly tell her that Courtney would be joining them, but it really was just for the two of them.

Their date concluded with Ben and Lindzi writing a fairy tale that they put into a corked bottle and threw into the ocean. Their story began with how Lindzi had fallen for Ben, and ended with Ben making her an "eternal promise" to always be honest...meaning that he already knows that he's going to tell Lindzi that he's picking Courtney over her.

The next 1-on-1 date went to Emily, which caused Courtney to throw a tantrum because she wasn't getting enough attention from Ben. "She treated me poorly, and Ben knows how she's affecting me," Courtney pouted. Emily and Ben seemed to have fun together diving for lobsters, but their chemistry seemed to be lagging as compared to what Ben has with either Courtney or Kacie.

Meanwhile, it appeared as if Courtney was ready to write Ben off completely. "I'm not really ready to bring Ben home to meet my family. I might get the date card tonight, but it seems like it's a little too late - It sucks, I really liked him," and "I really felt strongly about Ben in the beginning...but I kind of feel like the spark has fizzled." Then I remembered that Courtney is a girl, so she's predisposed to saying over dramatic things until she gets her way.

When all seemed as if all had been lost for Courtney, she received the final 1-on-1 date. That caused Kacie B. to exclaim, "That God damn bitch! She's like, oh yeah, he knows what's good for him, he knew I needed it. It took every fiber of my being not to spring across the room and punch her in the face."

Even though she finally got her way, Courtney spent the first part of their date hiking up an ancient Mayan temple sulking before she totally took a page out of the manipulative girl playbook.

While Courtney was supposed to be the one competing for a Rose from Ben, she informed him that she wasn't even sure if she wanted him to meet her family by saying "I lost the spark babe." Sure enough, by the end of their date it was The Bachelor who was practically begging one of his contestants to let him meet her family, making Ben the perfect example of how a guy loses power to a girl in a relationship.

Honestly, I'm not sure how well a hometown visit with Courtney would go. Her mom has already told the tabloids that she doesn't think that Ben is good enough for her daughter, given all the "hot men" she has dated in the past including Jesse Metcalf, Adrian Grenier and Reece Witherspoon's husband (above).

On the Group Date, Rachel Nicki and Kacie went shark diving. Notwithstanding the fact that the sharks they actually dove with were completely docile nurse sharks, Rachel had a mini-panic attack. That caused Kacie and Nicki to become resentful when Ben spent a majority of his time swimming with her.

However, Kacie won the Group Date Rose after confessing to Ben that she was beginning to fall in love with him, with Ben rewarding her for wearing her heart on her sleeve. Of course, Courtney "just happened" to walk out on the balcony in time to see Kacie get her Rose, which caused me to have visions of a half drunk Courtney getting pulled up off the couch, with the Producers yelling, "come out here quick, we need to get this shot!"

Despite the awkwardness of remaining with Ben after they did not get the Group Date Rose, Nicki and Rachel (along with Kacie) decided to warn Ben about the way Courtney was acting around the house. Specifically, they told him about how she seemed more concerned with "winning" than winding up with him.

For the first time Ben seemed to be skeptical of Courtney's motives, especially after their 1-on-1 date when Ben voiced his concern as to whether she was capable of getting along with other women. In fact, when Courtney defensively answered, "I have good friends - I have a lot of guy friends," you could almost see the red flag shoot-up from Ben's head. Of course, Courtney re-assured him by saying, "Do you know what my job is? I'm the talent, and I have to make everyone happy...I'm just not very impressed by these girls."

While Chris Harrison announced that there would not be Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony since Ben had already made up his mind, Ben did call Courtney aside to question whether or not she was "in this." After she re-assured him, Ben surprisingly chose Nicki to join Lindzi, Courtney and Kacie in his final four, with Emily and Rachel leaving by boat on a "sail of tears."

Roses To:
(My rankings and critique of each of The Bachelor's final four contestants)

4. Nicki - Clearly these girls are in a competition for Ben's affection. If Nicki can't keep from gaining weight when she's actually trying, I hate to see what's going to actually happen to her when she's feeling secure in a relationship and gives up like all girls who aren't looking to upgrade ultimately do.

3. Lindzi - I just noticed this week how Lindzi has the annoying habit of over emphasizing the wrong consonants in words, kind of like how a group of middle school girls create their own dialect when they are trying to stand out from everyone else. I can see that being cute to Ben until about the first time she farts around him.

2. Kacie - Eating disorder aside, this is the girl that Ben probably should pick. I could completely see the too of them being dorky and boring together.

1. Courtney - For a so-called model, Courtney sure does get caught on camera a lot making the "bitter bitch face." Somebody needs to teach how to "smeyes" and "find the light."

Speaking of which, Courtney probably could have made it a couple of rounds on America's Next Top Model if she wasn't so old...I guess that's why she ultimately dumped her boyfriend to go on The Bachelor.

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