Thursday, March 27, 2014

SURVIVOR: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "You disgust me. Everything about you is annoying, your laugh, your teeth, your face."

This week's Survivor began with Trish trying to make amends to the rest of the Solari Tribe for blindsiding Cliff. 

But when an upset Lindsey warned, "You guys just screwed up majorly," Trish couldn't contain how ugly she was.

"Let me make this really clear to you moving forward. I don't respect you because this is a team moving forward, and I don't like you."

And after Trish said that, Lindsey lost her shit and went the fuck off:
"You know what, you disgust me. Everything about you is annoying, your laugh, your teeth, your face. Everything about you I cannot stand, so how bout you just back off a little bit, and shut up and not talk to me for a little while...I think that your annoying, I think that your terrible, I think you might be the most horrific person I've ever met in my life."

Trisha on Survivor's teeth...Advantage Lindsey!

However, after that exchange Lindsey walked off into the wild in nothing but her bra and underwear, which was apparently enough to bring Jeff Probst out of the wood works.

Unfortunately, Lindsey informed Jeff that she wanted to go home because she was afraid that she was going to hurt Trish.

"I'm going to flip out on her...I need a million dollars more than anyone here...I'd rather cost me a million dollars than for my daughter to see her momma like that."

And while I believed her, that just seemed to fuel Tony's ego.

"Just as we expected, you turn the head and the body always follows. She was the body, Cliff was the head."

LJ tried to explain the same thing in terms that Southern people could understand. "That obviously was a huge volatile zit waitin' to pop."

The Reward Challenge consisted of a series of 1-on-1 battles, with the competitors trying to hold on to an Idol on platform while trying to knock their opponent's off.

The Solana Tribe ended up winning, with the reward being a chance to raid the Aparri Tribe for supplies.

Solana elected to send Woo and Tony, who took Aparri's  blankets, pillows and fishing gear.

They also decided to give "a clue" to the Hidden Immunity Idol to Jeremiah in order to make him a target, especially since the clue wasn't even for his tribe.

But since Tony and Woo took the clue with them, Jeremiah had no way to prove it.

Once Tony got back to Solana's camp, he was so proud of himself that he finally told the rest of the tribe that he actually was a cop instead of a construction worker...Like there's a difference.

Or as LJ said, "So to solidify that Tony is trustworthy, he told us he lied. Different."

With everyone blurting out the truth, Trisha apparently felt compelled to join in, because she yelled, "I'm going to admit something to you guys that I haven't admitted, I'm really a man!"

And sadly that just confused me, because I was pretty sure that everybody already thought that Trisha was dude.

The Immunity Challenge required the teams to race through an obstacle course, maneuver a key through rope maze, chop through a rope to get puzzle pieces, and solve that puzzle to get the winning combination.

But when Solana ended up winning, Tony yelled, "Top five, we made the final five!"

That caused his Donuts r' Us alliance member Sarah to notice, "I wasn't standing over there, so I think that's a pretty tell tale sign that I'm not included in their future plans."

So much for swearing to each other on their badges.

Of course, even with five on his side and Aparri going to this week's Tribal Council, Tony still didn't have numbers going forward, as Solana still had them outnumbered 6-5. 

Even the intellectually challenged Jeremiah noticed saying, "Tony made the dumbest mistake on Earth by yelling out 'Top Five.'"

At Tribal Council Alexis got blindsided, meaning the last two hot girls both left unexpectedly. I guess I'll have to see if I still have it in myself to blog again next week.

Alexis Maxwell posing in her underwear


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "He always asks her to shake her butt"

This week's Survivor began with the Nerd Tribe in shambles.

Or as Kass said, "We're not the Brain Tribe, we're the crap for brain tribe. Just a rolling log jam mess, with a couple of nerds on top."

However, when the teams arrived for the Reward Challenge, Jeff dropped a bombshell, "All right everybody, drop your buffs," as he announced that the three original tribes would be merging into two new ones.

The three nerds stayed together, while adding Morgan, Alexis, Jeremiah and Sarah to form the new Aparri Tribe. Meanwhile, Cliff, Wu, Trish, Jefra, LJ, Lindsey and Tony joined forces to form the Solana Tribe.

The new tribes then participated in the Reward Challenge where the teams sent out pairs of two to try and remove an opponent who had wrapped themselves around a pole, and then drag that opponent to the finish line the fastest.

Unfortunately, the reward wasn't all that great, as all the winners got was some coffee, sweets and a case of the shits.

The new Solana Tribe ended up winning because Aparri was unable to pry Cliff off the pole two times in a row.

That made me think that the Aparri Tribe probably should have put Morgan up on their pole, because like Cliff, I'm pretty sure that once she gets on that pole, she's on it for life.

Talk about an amazing Reward Challenge, Morgan McLeod nearly popped a boob, while Lindsey Ogle got an ass wedgie!

After the merge, Trish set her sights on the much younger LJ. "I think LJ's a really handsome guy, but I could be his mother. I mean, I'm not Ms. Robinson."

And LJ saw that as an opportunity to stay in the game.

"If for whatever reason I'm a draw to somebody who's a little bit older, that's single, and you know, who's been through a lot of stuff, whether it's the sex appeal...I'm going to use it to save myself."

Lindsey was less than impressed.

"Trish totally exaggerates her laugh around guys, and it makes me sick. I mean, you're 50 years old, stop trying to get attention from 20 year old men.

Trisha was much funnier when she was "Fire Marshall Bill."

Alexis approached former Brain Tribe members Kass, Tasha and Stewart about joining up with them, while throwing Morgan and Jeremiah under the bus.

Morgan had the same idea, and tried to throw the bus right back on top of Alexis.

"LJ and her like cuddle together every night, and he always asks her to shake her butt. She like prides herself on being able to Twerk really well."

Then again, I don't know that Morgan's attack was quite as hard hitting as she thought it was, because if I was in a tribe with Alexis, I'd probably ask her to shake her butt too.

Of course, Jeremiah made it three when he volunteered to jump shit and leave the former Beauty's in order to align with the pathetic Nerds, who like redheads, were all but extinct heading into the merge.

Meanwhile, Jefra and LJ went the other direction, and lobbied to join up with the former Brawns.

Jefra Bland doing her best to lobby for a new alliance.

The Immunity Challenge required the tribes to use a log as a battering ram and blast through two walls, and then navigate that log through a table maze.

Aparri ended up winning Immunity, while Tony asked in disbelief, "How did that happen?"

Sure enough, Tony targeted LJ for eviction, as did the rest of the former Brawns. Or as Lindsey said, "Trisha is up his ass."

However, Trish wanted to get rid of Cliff because he was "Shady," even though he wasn't, and when she told LJ of her plan, he seemed to think that he was safe enough not to play his Idol.

At Tribal Council, Lindsey declared how the former Brawns needed to stick together regardless of pecking order, as they needed numbers heading into a merge.

Lindsey Ogle: Talk about sticky buns!

For some reason LJ decided not to play his Idol, which turned out to be the right move, because Cliff got blindsided when Tony and Trish both decided to vote against him.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "I'm not surprised they voted me out, I threw all of their rice away."

This week's Survivor began with the first pure Reward Challenge of the season.

That challenge required each tribe to select a caller to guide two blindfolded teammates through an obstacle maze in order to collect five items, and then hoist them up to a platform along with their tribe's flag.

As it turned out, the maze turned out to be a little more hazardous to the men than the women. 

Or as Jeff Probst winced, "The one spot you want to avoid, LJ just took it square on!"

And while LJ tried to use his hands and the items he had retrieved as a makeshift cup, he took at least two more shots straight to his gnards.

The Beauty Tribe ended up winning, but all victories come at a price. And for LJ, that price was one of his testicles.

The Brains not only narrowly lost out on first place, but they blew second place as well because of J'Tia, who like a raccoon, apparently didn't know how to let go of the flag that they simply needed to place on their hoist and pull it to the top.

Back at the Beauty Tribe, Alexis, along with the rest of her camp seemed confused about where baby chickens come from, making it perplexing how people like The Beauties manage to reproduce in general.

Alexis went on to ask, "Does a rooster have to get it on with one of the hens to make eggs? So what's the rooster for?"

Much like the chicken, Alexis Maxwell hopes to one day reproduce asexually, but if that doesn't work, she's got her ass working overtime to attract a more traditional traditional mate.

With the Beauties deciding on a chicken dinner and instant gratification over sustained sustenance in the form of a steady supply of eggs, Jeremiah ripped the head off of one of their four chickens.

Sarah decided that she wanted to eliminate the likable Cliff, so she concocted a plan with fellow cop Tony to throw the Immunity Challenge and showed the world how honorable cops are.

In fact, at one point Sarah asked Tony to swear on his badge to her, which he later said in his confessional meant absolutely nothing to him.

However, Sarah and Tony may have gotten just a little too far ahead of themselves when they proclaimed, "Two cops in the end? You've never seen that! Donuts r' Us!"

Of course, the Immunity Challenge was in part a basketball challenge, and Cliff was a former NBA All-Star, so you do the math.

The objective of the challenge was for each tribe to dive into the water, release five buoys, and then shoot the buoys one by one into a basket the fastest.

Sadly, Morgan McLeod got confused and unhooked her bra, thinking that her fake boobs were the buoys that she needed to release.

Fortunately, the guys were able to throw those around just as well, because the Beauty's won.

And even with half of the Brawns Tribe secretly trying to throw the challenge, they finished in...Second, because J'Tia and the Brains were just that bad.

That caused Sarah to say, "We tried so hard to blow that challenge. Seriously green tribe, I tried to help you out, but that team sucks!" Of course, Sarah could have been just as hard on herself for being so bad at throwing a challenge.

Spencer basically performed every task for the Brains at the challenge, but lamented the fact that he was still on the hot seat because the weaker girls were in control of the vote heading into Tribal Council.

"The worst part about being on this tribe is that the girls have succeeded in putting themselves in a power position. The problem is by doing that, they've run the tribe into the ground."

However, Kass and Tasha finally seemed to realize that they needed a stronger tribe, and that they should probably get rid of J'Tia to have a chance to survive.

But then in the same breath they seemed to reconsider, talking about how they valued J'Tia's loyalty in the even that a merge or re-draw of the tribes came sooner rather than later.

Tribal Council began with Jeff Probst absolutely speechless about how pathetic the Brains had performed so far in the game. 

J'Tia tried to deflect the accusation that she was weak performer.

"I think what she said is that I've been the weakest in challenges, I don't think that she said that I'm the weak link, that's the big difference. In Survivor, it's not just outplay, it's also outwit, so you have to think about that." 

Of course, J'Tia might have wanted to think about how she also threw her tribe's entire supply of rice in the fire before she tried to redirect the attention to her social game.

Jeff took note of how Kass and Tasha seemed to be having a private conversation amongst themselves while Spencer and J'Tia tried to plead their cases.

Neither of the two even tried to hide the fact that they were working together, with Kass saying, "If I'm a viewer, I'm yelling, 'Don't do something stupid Tash, don't do something stupid Kass!' The question is, what is stupid?"

While all of America knew what the stupid move would be, Kass still seemed completely confused as to what to do.

And when they eventually deciding to keep Spencer, it wasn't really even much of a decision.

Hell, even J'Tia knew what the smart play was saying, "I'm not surprised they voted me out. I threw all of their rice away, and I was weak in the challenges."

Sadly, with that move, the "Brains" seemed to think they "strengthened" their tribe.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "Oooh, I'm glad I didn't pick her."


This week began with Chris Harrison promising that the finale of Juan Pablo's season would be pretty much just like the

"Tonight we are watching what promises to be the most controversial finale in Bachelor history. You know, I never use that word."

Chis also built up a "surprise" that Juan Pablo promised during The Girls Tell All episode, which obviously could have been just about anything besides an appearance on Dancing with the Stars considering that all the male dancers are gay, and Juan Pablo is an admitted  homophobe.

The final two women, Clare and Nikki, remained in Saint Lucia where they met with Juan Pablo's family.

First up was Clare, who did her best to show Juan Pablo's family how little personality she had. After all, she billed herself up as being half Hispanic, yet never spoke a work of Mexican on camera.

Her lack of personality aside, Juan Pablo busted out the Batch-Copter for the first time all season in order to charm Clare into bed for something like the third time while she was on the show.

But as the copter landed, Clare mentioned how Juan Pablo had whispered something to her without any of the cameras or microphones on them.

"What I though twas going to be sweet kind loving words was not what came out of his mouth."

"That he doesn't really know me, and some sexual thing I don't want to repeat."

While ABC bleeped out what it was, by reading Clare's lips it's safe to say that the sexual thing that Juan Pablo said rhymed with, "You were a great fuck."

And if there's one thing that a girl who defines herself by using her sexuality to get what she wants doesn't want to hear, it's how good she is at it.

Clare was in deep thought about the incident when Juan Pablo later returned back to Clare's room, and she caught him off guard when she wouldn't give him any "besitos," or the kisses from her that he was expecting.

That's when Clare told Juan Pablo that she was offended by what he had whispered when they were on the Batch-Copter, as she tried to remind herself that she'd never let herself be some guy's fuck toy ever again.

However, knowing that Clare was completely insecure, Juan Pablo was able to charm her back into his arms when he told her, "I know if I end up with you, we're going to have a baby in like a year and two months."

Sure enough, Clare went from breaking up with Juan Pablo to gushing, "I know that he wants me here!"

Back before a live studio audience, Sharleen chastised Clare for ignoring her women's intuition and staying with Juan Pablo even as he continued to patronize her, noting how she was able to stay with her even though she patronized him.

Next up to meet Juan Pablo's family was Nikki, who made the questionable decision to wear a backless dress that exposed her tattoo of a pooping bird, which she explained by lying and saying that she was part Native American.

Nikki Ferrell: I just have an overwhelming urge to get a pen and color that pooping bird tattoo in.

Juan Pablo's family didn't exactly give Nikki a ringing endorsement...Of  him. 

Specifically, Juan Pablo's mom told her, "I am 'pretty sure that he's ready for this," before saying "he's not easy."

Meanwhile, his cousin Roldolfo warned Nikki how he has a tendency to walk away from relationships when things get tough, obviously referring to Camilla's mom and how much the rest of the family loved her.

Of course, we still weren't sure that Juan Pablo was feeling Nikki. 

And when Juan Pablo said, "I have to figure out how I feel about her, but there's something that tells me, 'she could be the one,'" those weren't exactly words that endorsed her as a front runner coming from a guy who was something like one day away from potentially proposing to her.

Nikki Ferrell

While Juan Pablo managed not to insult Nikki like he did Clare, he said he still had concerns about how she felt about him.

But when Nikki wrote Juan Pablo a letter telling him how much she loved him, he just kissed her on the head and started to leave the room, which caused her to break down in tears as she was forced to wait one more day for his final decision.

Nikki and Clare traveled by boat in their finest hoochie dresses to await a potential proposal from Juan Pablo, which as my fiance noted, there's nothing like a humid, windy boat ride to make you look your best (or worst) as you may or may not get proposed to on national TV.

When Clare got off the boat saying, "I'm nervous," Juan Pablo told her, "It's okay," to the groans of everyone in the audience...Or at least Andi.

Clare delivered a long speech to Juan Pablo before she realized that was supposed to be quiet and let him propose.

However, Juan Pablo pooped in her Easter basket when he ultimately told her, "I have to say good bye to you."

Of course, that didn't go over so well with Clare, who pushed him away saying, "I lost all respect for you," noting how he had just reassured her and told her how he could see himself in Sacramento and the two of them having babies just one night (at least in TV time) earlier.

However, Clare wasn't done telling Juan Pablo off adding, "I'll tell you what...What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you," to which Juan Pablo replied, "It's okay."

And as Clare stormed off, Juan Pablo completely won the audience over by saying, "Ooh, I'm glad I didn't pick her." 

When Chris Harrison took a page out of Juan Pablo's book by asking her, "Is it okay?" Clare snapped, "No," and then mumbled something like, "Don't tell me that you love fucking me."

After Juan Pablo's smooth break up with Clare came Nicki, who was expecting to get an engagement ring.

Nikki Ferrell arrived wearing a dress with a slit all the way up to her slot.

But instead of giving her an engagement ring, Juan Pablo kicked her right in her nuts.

"Honestly, I have a ring here in my pocket, and I'm not gonna to use it. I'm not 100% sure that I want to propose to you, but at the same time, I'm a 100% sure that I just don't want to let you go."

Even worse, after telling Nikki that he didn't feel strongly enough to propose to her, Juan Pablo insulted even further with a consolation prize that was essentially the equivalent of asking her to the 6th Grade Dance.

So when Juan Pablo finally told her, "I like you a lot, a lot," before asking, "So, Nikki, will you accept my final rose," my only surprise was that he asked her in person instead of having his cousin Roldolfo pass her a note.

Clearly not happy to settle for a "I like you a lot," but apparently wanting to rub her rival Clare's face in not winning, Nikki surprisingly told Juan Pablo, "Absolutely."

During the After the Final Rose episode, Chris Harrison asked Clare the rhetorical question, "Why didn't you leave," ignoring the obvious answer of how she's completely desperate for male attention, having grown up in a house full of women even more beautiful than she is.

Clare elected not to speak to Juan Pablo saying, "It was so liberating to be able to stand there, and say it's not okay," apparently forgetting the part where she was ready to accept his proposal had he been stupid enough to offer her one.

When it was Juan Pablo's turn to get interviewed, he came out  to music, which I suspect was done to drown out the audience's boos.

Kelly Travis was in the audience to announce that she was going to be...suing the plastic surgeon who cut off the end of her nose.

In our first indication that things behind the scenes had gone horribly wrong this season, and I mean horribly wrong in a Flight mh320/Emily Maynard kind of way, Juan Pablo interrupted Chris Harrison and snapped, "Can I speak?"

Juan Pablo apparently revealed the "surprise" that Chris Harrison had promised at the start the show when he declared that he and Nikki were actually still a couple.

Nikki came on and surprised the audience by saying that while she's still in love with Juan Pablo, he was yet to tell her that he loved her in the four months since the show last filmed.

Ignoring that obvious red flag, Nikki tried to justify their relationship by saying that while Juan Pablo may not say it, he "demonstrates it in his actions."

With Juan Pablo and Chris having some sort of standoff on national TV "Chris went on the offensive and decided to grill Juan Pablo, antagonistically asking him, "So you love her?

That caused Juan Pablo to get even more defensive by saying, "I'm not going to answer that question to you," before he looked at Nikki and announcing, "We're done with this show. We are so done."

With Juan Pablo receiving more boos after cutting Chris Harrison off once again by saying, "I said before, when you interrupt me last time," he put his arm around Nikki and kissed as if to say, "fuck you."

By then a clearly perturbed Chris turned his attention away from Juan Pablo and Nikki and whatever there relationship status might be by declaring, "I don't know what I'm looking at!"

He then came out of the commercial break by sarcastically saying, "We are live tonight with Nikki and Juan Pablo. As we can clearly see they're engaged and clearly in love, congratu..."

That's when Juan Pablo gave the first hint of some type of behind the scenes rift by saying, "We had plans that had to change drastically two weeks ago when we taped the women tell all," only saying that the change was due to some private information that he received from Production.

As it turned out, the reason that Juan Pablo was so pissy was because he had what he thought was a spot on Dancing With the Stars yanked by ABC because of his derogatory comments towards gays and Emily Maynard's retarded daughter, lil' Rickie.

Things got so bad that even Juan Pablo's "friends" from the beginning of the year, Sean Lowe and Catherine Guidicci, turned on him by the end of the episode.

As when Juan Pablo referred to Sean saying how he just wants to keep things private now that the shows over, Sean said, "I don't want to burst your bubble, but it's not private after the show. It'll still be public."

Catherine was even more cognizant of where her paychecks were coming from, warning Juan Pablo, "Don't slap the hand that fed you."

Chris finally left things by telling Juan Pablo and Nikki, "I'm going to say congratulations, I hope," before adding, "Another season of the Bachelor has come to an end...Not going to lie, I'm moving on."

And sadly, that was before he even introduced Andi as the new Bachelorette...Because apparently ABC gets better ratings when America hates the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

Sharing a mutual hate for Juan Pablo, Chris joked to Andi. "I just want to clear things up, you do know that this is going to be on television, don't you?"

Andi tried to act shocked that she was picked saying, "I never thought in a million years that this would happen to me,"

Of course, that didn't mean that she wasn't hoping, lobbying, and throwing Juan Pablo under the bus bus while trying to get that nod.

And while I don't agree with Andi being picked as the next Bachelorette, if that gets her redneck father Hy more camera time, I guess I'm all for it. 

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Blogging SURVIVOR: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "People say they have a 'gaydar,' well I have a 'copdar."

Last week Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty started off with perhaps the greatest episode ever.

And in case you missed it, it finished with the Brains Tribe deciding not to vote out the crazy bitch who poured all of their rice in the fire, which understandably left a few of their members pissed off at the start of this week's episode.

But as Spencer said, "Garrett was bad enough at the game that the girls were willing to choose someone who destroyed all of our food over him."

At the Brawn Tribe, Tony finally admitted to Sarah that he was also a cop, who had him pegged as a fellow pig since day one.

"You know how people say they have a 'gaydar,' well I have a 'copdar,'" which pretty much just another way of saying that "stupid finds stupid."

And with that, the "Donut Alliance" was formed.

Apparently not quite understanding the whole concept of being cops being the good guys, Sarah went on to boast, "We're going to be partners in crime!"

Over at the Beauty Tribe, Jefra still hadn't pooped by night six.

Or so Jefra Bland would like to have you believe!

However, being constipated wasn't her only problem, as the former pageant queen was clearly having problems living out in the elements.

Jefra Bland looks like your typical pageant girl...Until she talks.

While Morgan received the initial clue to the hidden Immunity Idol, it was LJ who found it without even the benefit of having a clue after he noticed how she had been looking in the ocean when the rest of the Beauty Tribe arrived at camp.

Ironically, J'Tia was the one begging for rice at the Brains Tribe after being the one who threw their entire supply in the fire.

The Immunity Challenge required the tribes to use buckets to throw water to their teammates in order to fill a reservoir, which would then release a ball used to solve a table maze.

And while the Brains had practiced their technique using coconuts, they were in dead last heading into the maze.

The Brawn tribe ended up winning Immunity, along with a reward in the form of a tarp, blankets and a hammock.

However, the Beauty tribe completely fell apart on their table maze, allowing the Brains to come from behind and earn a much needed tarp for their shelter.

At the very least, I applaud Morgan McLeod for her effort(s).

As they headed back at camp, Tony found the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol hidden in the Brawn Tribe's reward package.

But since Tony had already found the Idol, he covered up an evidence that he had found the clue, just like he learned to do on the Jersey City police force.

When Sarah went to try out the Brawn tribe's new hammock, Lindsey joked, "I hope you fall on your ass."

Sure enough, when the hammock really did break Lindsey laughed hysterically saying, "Dreams really do come true on Survivor!"

For the Beauty's, Brice worried that he might be the target at Tribal Council saying, "I just want to make that we're on the same page to get a girl out tonight."

And while the rest of the tribe was in fact on board with the idea of voting out a girl, unfortunately for Brice, that girl was him.

Alexis came up with a plan to split the vote between Brice and Morgan just in case one of them had the Hidden Immunity Idol. However, Jeremiah was playing both sides and was still considering blindsiding Alexis.

At Tribal Council, the Beauty's showed why they probably weren't meant to be on a show like Survivor, with Alexis worrying about a bug in her hair, and Brice arrogantly comparing himself to a butterfly.

"You're going through in your life to have that butterfly effect where where you can come out of the caterpillar and be a beautiful butterfly. So I really do feel like I'm at the butterfly stage of my life...and I'm just flyin' around eatin' plants lookin' pretty."

While I don't know how Brice Johnston came out, butterfly's sure as hell don't "come out of" caterpillars, they come from them.

Jefra used her time at Tribal Council to talk about how much she was enjoying the game before she got all wet, cold and constipated.

"Well the first couple days around our tribe was actually like one big party, Jeff. We were like a group of college friends, all these beautiful kids out here hanging out." 

Thinking he was safe, Brice all but went on to say that he was planning to vote Alexis out. "I feel like everyone should pull their own weight around camp."

And when Jeff Probst put him on the spot by flat out asking him if he planned on voting out Alexis, he said, "Dot, dot, dot - hmmph," whatever that means.

With Alexis, Brice and Morgan all tied at two after the initial vote, the Beauty's were forced to re-vote, with those still up for eviction forced to abstain.

And while Brice said that he was sure he was safe, he and his purple pants were evicted.

That left Brice Johnston free to go back home where he can resume his career of trying on outrageous clothes and taking selfies while grabbing his junk.

Brice directed his sour grapes at Jeremiah, dissing him by saying how he was surprised "he could even spell my name," after he had earlier bonded with him by curiously noting, "Us country folks need to stick together."

Brice then made a ridiculous self promoting statement, which sadly, I think he might have even believed.

"Clearly they wanted the cutest, most fashionable member out first, and I'm glad to take that title with bells and whistles on."

He left things off by saying, "I really hope Morgan does well, and to the rest of the people, I don't even remember their names."

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "I remember (being) ready to go to sleep and just closing my eyes and being ready to be done"


This week we were able to take a break from Clare and Nikki's bitchiness and let all the other scorned women pile on Juan Pablo in "The Bachelor: The Women Tell All."

Most of those women were upset that Juan Pablo was so rude that he actually made artificial excuses as to why he couldn't to kiss them, instead of being like every other Bachelor and making an effort to try out every single one of the girls before he sent them home

However, Juan Pablo did make it clear that he didn't come on the show to make the ugly girls feel good about themselves when he said, "I no here to kiss twenty-seven women."

But before we heard about the rest of the drama on Juan Pablo's season, we had to hear about former Bachelor Sean Lowe and Catherine Giudici's wedding, where Catherine confirmed that she and Sean finally had sex, although it didn't last very long.

Or as Chris Harrison said to the born again virgin, "Welcome to the club buddy."

In the strange but too much information department, Sean revealed that a stingray latched on to his "man parts" as they went diving, which seemed like a rather convenient excuse for him to not have any more sex with Catherine...Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Of all the girls, Sharleen was the first to stand up for Juan Pablo in light of the criticism that he was receiving, although she probably said it best when she was quoted as saying, "I wish I was dumber."

She did get a bit snarky, saying of Clare and Juan Pablo's "it doesn't count if we're in the ocean" sexcapade, "I think he had a bit of buyer's remorse."

And the part about that statement that was really interesting was the part where she didn't say that she wished that Juan Pablo was smarter, just that she wished that she was "dumber," meaning that was the only plausible way she could see their relationship working.

As the only girl who could have made for a somewhat likable Bachelorette, Renee took herself out of the running by pretty much confirming the reports that she got engaged since the season ended.

"I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm in a situation where I'm very happy."

That caused Chris Harrison to say, "The only way your going to jinx it is by calling it 'a situation.'"

Unfortunately, that means that Renee won't be the next Bachelorette, and if reports are true that the new one will come from one of the four finalists, that means we'll be stuck with a full season starring someone unlikable like Nicki, Clare or worse yet, Andi.

Andi, the most calculated person on the show, continued her quest to become the new Bachelorette by trying to serve as Chris Harrison's co-host, frequently jumping in and asking the other girls questions about their time on the show when Chris got distracted looking at Sharleen's boobs.

The funny part was that like Sharleen, Andi actually stood-up for Juan Pablo on several occasions, which was weird after the ridiculous confrontation that she staged with him during last week's episode.

However, much like an attorney going through the Jury selection process, it's going to be a really tough sell to find someone who's not already predisposed to hate Andi in the focus groups that are being put together to select ABC's next Emily Maynard.

In her much anticipated description of her disappointing night with Juan Pablo in the Fantasy Suite Andi said, "I remember (being) ready to go to sleep and just closing my eyes and waiting to be done."

Andi and Juan Pablo...Before she realized she was going to lose.

However, she clarified that she was just talking about falling asleep, and not having sex with Juan Pablo (wink, wink).

Juan Pablo tried to defend how he was being portrayed, saying that he had no regrets about how he treated the ladies, noting that he only physically struck them when they wouldn't shut up.

While Sharleen left Juan Pablo mid season because she knew they weren't a long term match, she still seemed to be lobbying to date him at the reunion, or at the very least for a post The Women Tell All hook-up at her hotel.

Kelly, who revealed that she had a gay parent, rightfully grilled Juan Pablo over his comments where he referred to gay people as "perverts."

She also broke down in the process, showing how much ignorant comments can affect people in real life...Even if she does have a dog nose.

Kelly Travis: And beneath that dog nose, is a nose that looks just like a dog's nose.

And with that, Chris Harrison cut things off and went to a blooper reel to distract America from the fact that ABC chose a total homophobe as their once much hyped Bachelor.

So that left us with Juan Pablo talking about needing the girls "accepting me and my little package." That prompted a producer to chime in and warn Juan Pablo that "little package" might be construed to mean his little penis.

Surprisingly, that may have been the first time all season that Juan Pablo didn't play the "language barrier" card.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Oscar Predictions From a Guy Who doesn't Watch Movies

Before I get started on my Sixth annual attempt at predicting the Oscar winners, let's start with some background information.

As I state each year, I don't watch, rent or download movies anymore.

I pretty much stopped watching them when Hollywood studios began trying to out “special effect” each other in order to overcompensate for bad writing and a lack of original ideas, or as I call it, "the George Lucas syndrome."

My formula for predicting the Academy Award winners despite not ever watching any movies is simple. I use a combination of word of mouth, movie trailers, movie posters, and my own personal analysis of how Hollywood works.

Sadly, the upcoming movie Son of God, a modern day adaption of The Greatest Story Ever Told, did not make this year's nominations due to it's late release date, but I can't wait for it to be on the board come next year.

Coming to theaters this Easter season, Diogo Morgado as, The Son of God...Because Good Friday is a great time to see this movie!

After all, it will have a heartthrob for it's Jesus, some bitchin' CGI, and dinosaurs...You can't forget the fucking dinosaurs.

You know, because every Bible story has to be re-written to include dinosaurs ever since it was conclusively proven that they made it on to Noah's Ark, only to die out at a later date.

In even bigger news, word has it that Woody Allen just signed on to be director for the upcoming Jerry Sandusky story, which will be produced as a sequel to Kathryn Bigelow's award winning film under the title, The Hurt Locker Room.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, there are plenty of mediocre films from this year that we still need to talk about.

So without further ado, let's pay homage to the Academy's yearly event to honor Hollywood's finest child molesters like Roman Polanski, Woody Allen and John Goodman, and try to predict the 2014 Oscar winners.

Best Supporting Actor:

5. Bradley Cooper - American Hustle: With all of his Oscar nominations in recent years, you'd think that Bradley Cooper was a good actor. However, you'd be wrong.

4. Barkhad Abdi - Captain Phillips: Despite his Oscar Nomination, Barkhad Abdi is reportedly already broke and living off the per diems he makes for appearances to hype Captain Phillips. And while that makes for a nice story, if the Academy truly wanted to help out by nominating homeless actors, they could have at least thrown a bone Randy Quaid's way.

3. Jonah Hill - The Wolf of Wall Street: Clearly, Jonah Hill is giving secret hand jobs to somebody in Hollywood, and they aren't just for Seth Rogan.

2. Michael Fassbender - 12 Years a Slave: I think that German-Irish actor Michael Fassbender's role as a racist plantation owner is just a little too close to his comfort zone in a Tom Cruise kind of way for him to receive any serious consideration for Best Supporting Actor. Tell him to check back after he convincingly plays either an abolitionist or a recovering alcoholic, then we can talk about an Academy Award.

Michael Fassbender recently received criticism for whipping out his dong and peeing on a shrub on the set of a movie he's shooting. Doesn't he know that urine is murder?

1. Jared Leto - The Dallas Buyers Club: Jared Leto joins the short list of fabulous actors to play cross dressing males, like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie, Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire, and Tyler Perry in whatever movie he's coming out with this week.

On that note, wouldn't an officially sanctioned event called "The All Black Oscars" be a hell of a lot more entertaining than the real thing? Chris Rock could host, Halle Berry could cry, and Eddie Murphy and Perry could play dress up and cover every other member in the audience.

Best Supporting Actress:

5. Jennifer Lawrence - American Hustle: See Bradley Cooper (above).

4. Julia Roberts - August: Osage County: Julia Roberts is no spring chicken, so her days of winning the Academy over with her looks and lovable prostitute days are all but gone. Now she actually has to learn how to act, and there's no better way to do that than to intern under the late Meryl Streep.

3. Sally Hawkins - Blue Jasmine: As Ginger, Sally Hawkins plays a woman whose unhappy, recently divorced sister moves into her San Francisco apartment, which is really just Woody Allen's take on the Keeping up with the Kardashians episode where Khloe leaves Lamar and moves back in with Kim.

2. June Squibb - Nebraska: From Broadway to The Young and the Restless, and from Scent of a Woman to The Ghost Whisperer, no actor/actress in Hollywood has had a wider range of good and crappy parts this side of James Franco.

1. Lupita Nyong'o - 12 Years a Slave: We could have a highly decorated Hollywood couple in Jered Leto and Lupita Nyong'o, who Leto referred to as his future ex-wife, should both win the Oscar for best supporting actor/actress. The really surprising part of that story is that Jared Leto isn't gay.

Best Actor:

5. Leonardo DiCaprio - The Wolf of Wall Street: Somewhere in Missouri, Kirk Cameron is secretly kicking himself in the ass for the poor career and life decisions he made when he converted to Christianity in the late 80's and early 90's, leaving Leonardo DiCaprio to take his place and ultimately grow up to become Robin Thicke.  

4. Christian Bale - American Hustle: Who says nice guys don't get nominated for Academy Awards...Oh, wait.

3. Bruce Dern - Nebraska: Everybody associated with the movie Nebraska was holding their breath and hoping that Bruce Dern wouldn't die before production ended. Fortunately, their gamble paid off.

2. Chitwell Ejiofor - 12 Years a Slave: Is it just me, or does it piss anyone else off when these liberal Hollywood studios hire foreign actors to play roles in American movies?

1. Mathew McConaughey - The Dallas Buyers Club: From his body transformation, to his willingness to take on the role of a gay man as an (allegedly) straight actor, Mathew McConaughey is only a role where he plays retard away from the coveted "Tom Hanks Lifetime Achievement Award."

Best Actress:

5. Sandra Bullock - Gravity: The only storyline with Sandra Bullock playing an astronaut that I'd believe is the one where the lady put on a pair of Depends and drove non-stop from Houston to Orlando in order to kidnap and murder her rival for a relationship with another astronaut.

4. Amy Adams - American Hustle: Amy Adams must be a good actress, because very few people realize that she's actually Mormon, which makes the doll below even more creepy, yet a little sexy at the same time, at least in a forbidden Donnie and Marie kind of way.

This Amy Adams action figure is slightly creepy.

3. Judi Dench - Philomena: Despite being nominated for best actress, Judi Dench will not be able to attend the Oscars because she's in India filming The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 2, who's producer must be the biggest dick in the world, because at 79-years-old, I'm thinking that Dench isn't going to get too many more chances to attend Hollywood's most pretentious night.

2. Meryl Streep - August: Osage County: If you make a successful movie where you play a dysfunctional person from the South, the people there resent you. If you play a dysfunctional Southerner and your performance is panned by critics from the East and West coasts, people from the South think you're a hero.

1. Cate Blanchett - Blue Jasmine: As Jasmine, Cate Blanchett plays a woman whose unhappy, recently divorced sister moves into her San Francisco apartment, which is really just Woody Allen's take on the Keeping up with the Kardashians episode where Khloe leaves Lamar and moves back in with Kim.

And while she's a sure in to win, nobody wants to hear her give a pretentious Oscar speech. 

Best Director:

This category would have been so much funnier to predict had Woody Allen been nominated.

Best Picture:

9. Her: If anybody could make a movie about a guy having an intimate relationship with his smart phone creepier than it already sounds, it was Joaquin Phoenix...And at least when girls do it, there's a vibrate mode. 

8. Gravity: At the very least, this movie made great strides in terms of technology, with Sandra Bullock's entire character having been computer generated. In fact, it gives me hope that we'll be seeing Philip Seymour Hoffman in films for years to come.

7. American Hustle: Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence were better cast when they played retards in Silver Linings Playbook

6. The Wolf of Wall Street: The Wolf of Wall Street is this year's typical crappy movie with a big named cast...I'm just trying to figure out what happened to prevent George Clooney from getting a role in this clunker.

5. Captain Phillips: Sadly, Captain Phillips is only the second best "Captain" movie ever made, still trailing Kurt Russell and Martin Short's classic, Captain Ron.

4. Philomena: I know absolutely nothing about this movie, and that automatically makes it better than the five films that I've listed immediately above it.

3. Nebraska: Not since The Grapes of Wrath has a film about corn and people from the heartland been so interesting.

2. 12 Years a Slave: I just don't see how a movie that clearly stole it's story from a classic like Django Unchained can be rewarded by the Academy.

1. The Dallas Buyers Club: If you went to this movie thinking it was a film about Jerry Jones and his free spending ways with the Dallas Cowboys like I did, you were sorely disappointed...That is, except for the love scenes between Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

The Bachelor Blog - "That's fine, it's okay."


This week's multi-part Bachelor event resumed for the Overnight Dates in Saint Lucia, where Juan Pablo looked forward to having the cameras off so he could "talk" with the girls in private.

And while it's a no-win situation for Juan Pablo to discuss what really goes on in the Fantasy Suites, if he's going to sugar coat it with a lie, he could have at least come up with a lie that was somewhat believable.

Things kicked off with Clare showing America her ass crack, telling Juan Pablo that she loved him, and pretending to agonize over whether she should accept his invitation to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite.

As you may all recall, Clare and Juan Pablo made the ocean their Fantasy Suite in Vietnam about a month ago.

This time the joke was on Juan Pablo, as while he took Clare to bed, he woke up with her fat sister, Laura.

As for his remaining Overnight Dates, Juan Pablo referred to Nikki as being "good with people," and Andi as being "so easy going," showing America that he was the worst judge of character ever...Or at least since Ben Flajnik.

Nikki's Overnight Date went well, culminating with her telling Juan Pablo that she loved him in order to get him to sleep with her. No word yet as to whether or not Juan Pablo remembered to change the "fantasy sheets" after his sleepover with Clare.

And while Juan Pablo also charmed Andi into the Fantasy Suite, saying that they "laughed all night long," she had apparently already decided that she was going to have an awful time in order to better frame her bid to become the next Bachelorette.

Right on cue, Andi left Juan Pablo's room saying, "Waking up this morning, I could not wait to get out of the Fantasy Suite...The whole night was just a disaster."

No word yet on whether or not Andi Dorfman brought her one-piece lingerie along with her to the Fantasy Suite for Juan Pablo.

Apparently Andi's chief complaint was that Juan Pablo did not make the effort to talk with (or about) her after they woke up the next morning, meaning that she was likely a virgin who had never dealt with a man post coitus.

While the other girls made video messages following their dates, Andi made a point to tell a completely oblivious Juan Pablo, who had just said, "I like Andi, I like Andi a lot," her feelings in person.

In a true indication that all bitches are crazy no matter how book smart they are, Andi basically broke up with Juan Pablo and then demanded an explanation as to why from him.

And when Juan Pablo tried to make things easier on her by saying "That's fine, it's okay," Andi fumed, "Just don't say 'It's okay' ever again...I want to die if I have to hear 'it's okay' again."

Unlike Andi, a genuinely confused Juan Pablo showed some class and did his best to take the high ground saying, "She's a lawyer, I no want to argue with a lawyer."

By that point Andi was pissed, having realized that her big plan to try and land the gig as the new Bachelorette by making herself look like she was a victim wasn't working.

And while some people have bought into Andi's closing argument, it's kind of tough to take someone seriously when she came on a reality dating show along with 20 other women with the final goal of getting engaged, and then has the audacity to accuse the other person of not taking the time to get to know her...It's literally part of the deal.

Andi also took issue with Juan Pablo allegedly having told her that she made it to the final three girls over Renee by default, which only confused him because he did not know what that word even meant.

Andi left saying, "He doesn't get it, he never will...It's not a language barrier, he just doesn't see it."

In the end, Andi took Juan Pablo's "It's okays" to mean that he didn't give a shit, which even if that was his intent, shouldn't have mattered anyway because she was the one who had just dumped him.

The episode concluded with Juan Pablo telling Nikki and Clare, the two girls who hated each other the most, that Andi had left and that they were the two finalists...By default.

The Bachelor Blog - "I'm not going to let you manipulate momma!"

This week marked the start of the Hometown Dates, which should be more appropriately known as the "Mom Test Dates," where the Bachelor gets to see how all of his prospective brides will look in another seventeen years.

Nikki was first up, and she took Juan Pablo back home to Kansas City to eat barbecue, ride mechanical bulls and tip over cows.

As a plus, Juan Pablo seemed to totally dig the whole Midwest BBQ scene...Possibly even more so than he was digging Nikki.

When Nikki told her dad, "I feel like I've been given a great example of parents," he told her that he supported her in whatever she decides to do in life.

Nikki Farrell: And apparently that support includes posing topless.
Not only did Juan Pablo star in another M and M commercial, but he and Chris Harrison appeared in a shameless plug for the new film The Need for Speed, billing it as a date night movie...You know, because there's nothing more romantic than watching Paul Walker burn to death.

Next up was Andi. And while she works in Atlanta as a prosecutor, we were unsure of where she was from originally.

However, Andi answered that question and confirmed that she really was from Georgia when she took Juan Pablo to her hometown shooting range. 

When Andi arrived home she was greeted by a chorus of, "Welcome home Pookie!"

However, things quickly turned sour when she noted, "I saw the look of disapproval on my dad's face within the first five minutes, and I did not expect to see that."

That obviously confused Andi, because while her father Hy always warned her to never bring a black guy home, he never mentioned anything about not dating Hispanic guys who look white.

Of course, the source of Hy's disapproval may have been the result of Andi's mom, who not only looked much more ethnic than her redneck dad, but hit on Juan Pablo all evening as she practically begged him to salsa dance with her.

While things did not seem to be going smoothly, Andi confessed to the cameras that she was finally beginning to feel something special for Juan Pablo for the first time all season.

And I'm sure that those feelings had absolutely nothing to do with her father's disapproval, because girls never go out of their way to piss off their overly controlling dads.

The next date went to Renee in Sarasota, Florida, where she wanted Juan Pablo to meet her son before he disappeared from their lives forever.

Renee also failed to tell Juan Pablo she loved him during her Hometown Date, but unlike Nikki, she actually seemed to regret not doing so.

Last and possibly least was Clare, who took Juan Pablo back to Sacramento to meet her elderly mom and obese sister.

Juan Pablo exclaimed, "I cannot wait to see why you are the way you are," which was not necessarily a positive statement, just more of a statement out of curiosity. 

Clare made no attempt to hide the fact that her father was dead saying, "My dad would have been the one you talk to, the one you shake hands with and look in the eye."

Unfortunately for Clare, now that man is her sister, Laura.

That's right, this is Laura, Clare's sister, not her mother.

Clare then took Juan Pablo to her family's home, where she and her five sisters attempted to set the world record for saying the word "momma" in the least amount of time.

Clare also admitted that she'd be fine with a shotgun reality wedding, citing her own family's history.

And when Clare busted out flawless logic and stated, "Daddy knew mom for what, three weeks before they got engaged, and they were married for how long? (decades)," her sisters all nodded in approval.

All of Clare's sisters seemed to be on board with Juan Pablo, that is, except for Laura, the fat and jealous one who refused to give Clare her blessing.

Laura even took it upon herself to speak for Clare's mute mother by saying, "To give a blessing, I don't believe that we're there yet." 

That caused Clare to interrupt, "Hold on, momma doesn't, or you don't."

Laura then took a very protective stance, standing between Clare and her mother like an offensive lineman trying to protect his quarterback while yelling, "I'm not going to let you manipulate momma!"

When a clearly rattled Clare asked why her sister was being so difficult, Laura snapped, "Because you're not respecting momma!"

Laura then walked off to the corner of the back yard and creepily lurked, either trying to chaperon Clare's conversation with her mother, or more likely, secretly hoping that one of the cameramen would knock a deli plate off of the table so she could run over and gobble it up.

The Bachelor: Clare's sister Laura then went on to eat the family dog...And momma.

Fortunately, Juan Pablo came into their trailer and defused the situation, first talking to the fat sister, and then speaking in Spanish to "Momma."

Clare ended her Hometown Date by saying, "If he can look past my crazy family, I'd love to marry him. I'd love it, I would absolutely love it."

After the Hometown Dates were over, Juan Pablo handed out Roses to Nikki, Clare and Andi.

Sadly, Renee went home even though she was probably the only girl left who was even remotely marriage material.

For some reason, I think Renee will get the nod as the next Bachelorette even though she's a not so glamorous single mom, and despite the fact that Andi's clearly been posturing and auditioning for that role over the past several weeks.