Friday, March 14, 2014

Blogging Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "I'm not surprised they voted me out, I threw all of their rice away."

This week's Survivor began with the first pure Reward Challenge of the season.

That challenge required each tribe to select a caller to guide two blindfolded teammates through an obstacle maze in order to collect five items, and then hoist them up to a platform along with their tribe's flag.

As it turned out, the maze turned out to be a little more hazardous to the men than the women. 

Or as Jeff Probst winced, "The one spot you want to avoid, LJ just took it square on!"

And while LJ tried to use his hands and the items he had retrieved as a makeshift cup, he took at least two more shots straight to his gnards.

The Beauty Tribe ended up winning, but all victories come at a price. And for LJ, that price was one of his testicles.

The Brains not only narrowly lost out on first place, but they blew second place as well because of J'Tia, who like a raccoon, apparently didn't know how to let go of the flag that they simply needed to place on their hoist and pull it to the top.

Back at the Beauty Tribe, Alexis, along with the rest of her camp seemed confused about where baby chickens come from, making it perplexing how people like The Beauties manage to reproduce in general.

Alexis went on to ask, "Does a rooster have to get it on with one of the hens to make eggs? So what's the rooster for?"

Much like the chicken, Alexis Maxwell hopes to one day reproduce asexually, but if that doesn't work, she's got her ass working overtime to attract a more traditional traditional mate.

With the Beauties deciding on a chicken dinner and instant gratification over sustained sustenance in the form of a steady supply of eggs, Jeremiah ripped the head off of one of their four chickens.

Sarah decided that she wanted to eliminate the likable Cliff, so she concocted a plan with fellow cop Tony to throw the Immunity Challenge and showed the world how honorable cops are.

In fact, at one point Sarah asked Tony to swear on his badge to her, which he later said in his confessional meant absolutely nothing to him.

However, Sarah and Tony may have gotten just a little too far ahead of themselves when they proclaimed, "Two cops in the end? You've never seen that! Donuts r' Us!"

Of course, the Immunity Challenge was in part a basketball challenge, and Cliff was a former NBA All-Star, so you do the math.

The objective of the challenge was for each tribe to dive into the water, release five buoys, and then shoot the buoys one by one into a basket the fastest.

Sadly, Morgan McLeod got confused and unhooked her bra, thinking that her fake boobs were the buoys that she needed to release.

Fortunately, the guys were able to throw those around just as well, because the Beauty's won.

And even with half of the Brawns Tribe secretly trying to throw the challenge, they finished in...Second, because J'Tia and the Brains were just that bad.

That caused Sarah to say, "We tried so hard to blow that challenge. Seriously green tribe, I tried to help you out, but that team sucks!" Of course, Sarah could have been just as hard on herself for being so bad at throwing a challenge.

Spencer basically performed every task for the Brains at the challenge, but lamented the fact that he was still on the hot seat because the weaker girls were in control of the vote heading into Tribal Council.

"The worst part about being on this tribe is that the girls have succeeded in putting themselves in a power position. The problem is by doing that, they've run the tribe into the ground."

However, Kass and Tasha finally seemed to realize that they needed a stronger tribe, and that they should probably get rid of J'Tia to have a chance to survive.

But then in the same breath they seemed to reconsider, talking about how they valued J'Tia's loyalty in the even that a merge or re-draw of the tribes came sooner rather than later.

Tribal Council began with Jeff Probst absolutely speechless about how pathetic the Brains had performed so far in the game. 

J'Tia tried to deflect the accusation that she was weak performer.

"I think what she said is that I've been the weakest in challenges, I don't think that she said that I'm the weak link, that's the big difference. In Survivor, it's not just outplay, it's also outwit, so you have to think about that." 

Of course, J'Tia might have wanted to think about how she also threw her tribe's entire supply of rice in the fire before she tried to redirect the attention to her social game.

Jeff took note of how Kass and Tasha seemed to be having a private conversation amongst themselves while Spencer and J'Tia tried to plead their cases.

Neither of the two even tried to hide the fact that they were working together, with Kass saying, "If I'm a viewer, I'm yelling, 'Don't do something stupid Tash, don't do something stupid Kass!' The question is, what is stupid?"

While all of America knew what the stupid move would be, Kass still seemed completely confused as to what to do.

And when they eventually deciding to keep Spencer, it wasn't really even much of a decision.

Hell, even J'Tia knew what the smart play was saying, "I'm not surprised they voted me out. I threw all of their rice away, and I was weak in the challenges."

Sadly, with that move, the "Brains" seemed to think they "strengthened" their tribe.

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