Oscar Predictions From a Guy Who doesn't Watch Movies

Before I get started on my Sixth annual attempt at predicting the Oscar winners, let's start with some background information.

As I state each year, I don't watch, rent or download movies anymore.

I pretty much stopped watching them when Hollywood studios began trying to out “special effect” each other in order to overcompensate for bad writing and a lack of original ideas, or as I call it, "the George Lucas syndrome."

My formula for predicting the Academy Award winners despite not ever watching any movies is simple. I use a combination of word of mouth, movie trailers, movie posters, and my own personal analysis of how Hollywood works.

Sadly, the upcoming movie Son of God, a modern day adaption of The Greatest Story Ever Told, did not make this year's nominations due to it's late release date, but I can't wait for it to be on the board come next year.

Coming to theaters this Easter season, Diogo Morgado as, The Son of God...Because Good Friday is a great time to see this movie!

After all, it will have a heartthrob for it's Jesus, some bitchin' CGI, and dinosaurs...You can't forget the fucking dinosaurs.

You know, because every Bible story has to be re-written to include dinosaurs ever since it was conclusively proven that they made it on to Noah's Ark, only to die out at a later date.

In even bigger news, word has it that Woody Allen just signed on to be director for the upcoming Jerry Sandusky story, which will be produced as a sequel to Kathryn Bigelow's award winning film under the title, The Hurt Locker Room.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, there are plenty of mediocre films from this year that we still need to talk about.

So without further ado, let's pay homage to the Academy's yearly event to honor Hollywood's finest child molesters like Roman Polanski, Woody Allen and John Goodman, and try to predict the 2014 Oscar winners.

Best Supporting Actor:

5. Bradley Cooper - American Hustle: With all of his Oscar nominations in recent years, you'd think that Bradley Cooper was a good actor. However, you'd be wrong.

4. Barkhad Abdi - Captain Phillips: Despite his Oscar Nomination, Barkhad Abdi is reportedly already broke and living off the per diems he makes for appearances to hype Captain Phillips. And while that makes for a nice story, if the Academy truly wanted to help out by nominating homeless actors, they could have at least thrown a bone Randy Quaid's way.

3. Jonah Hill - The Wolf of Wall Street: Clearly, Jonah Hill is giving secret hand jobs to somebody in Hollywood, and they aren't just for Seth Rogan.

2. Michael Fassbender - 12 Years a Slave: I think that German-Irish actor Michael Fassbender's role as a racist plantation owner is just a little too close to his comfort zone in a Tom Cruise kind of way for him to receive any serious consideration for Best Supporting Actor. Tell him to check back after he convincingly plays either an abolitionist or a recovering alcoholic, then we can talk about an Academy Award.

Michael Fassbender recently received criticism for whipping out his dong and peeing on a shrub on the set of a movie he's shooting. Doesn't he know that urine is murder?

1. Jared Leto - The Dallas Buyers Club: Jared Leto joins the short list of fabulous actors to play cross dressing males, like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie, Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire, and Tyler Perry in whatever movie he's coming out with this week.

On that note, wouldn't an officially sanctioned event called "The All Black Oscars" be a hell of a lot more entertaining than the real thing? Chris Rock could host, Halle Berry could cry, and Eddie Murphy and Perry could play dress up and cover every other member in the audience.

Best Supporting Actress:

5. Jennifer Lawrence - American Hustle: See Bradley Cooper (above).

4. Julia Roberts - August: Osage County: Julia Roberts is no spring chicken, so her days of winning the Academy over with her looks and lovable prostitute days are all but gone. Now she actually has to learn how to act, and there's no better way to do that than to intern under the late Meryl Streep.

3. Sally Hawkins - Blue Jasmine: As Ginger, Sally Hawkins plays a woman whose unhappy, recently divorced sister moves into her San Francisco apartment, which is really just Woody Allen's take on the Keeping up with the Kardashians episode where Khloe leaves Lamar and moves back in with Kim.

2. June Squibb - Nebraska: From Broadway to The Young and the Restless, and from Scent of a Woman to The Ghost Whisperer, no actor/actress in Hollywood has had a wider range of good and crappy parts this side of James Franco.

1. Lupita Nyong'o - 12 Years a Slave: We could have a highly decorated Hollywood couple in Jered Leto and Lupita Nyong'o, who Leto referred to as his future ex-wife, should both win the Oscar for best supporting actor/actress. The really surprising part of that story is that Jared Leto isn't gay.

Best Actor:

5. Leonardo DiCaprio - The Wolf of Wall Street: Somewhere in Missouri, Kirk Cameron is secretly kicking himself in the ass for the poor career and life decisions he made when he converted to Christianity in the late 80's and early 90's, leaving Leonardo DiCaprio to take his place and ultimately grow up to become Robin Thicke.  

4. Christian Bale - American Hustle: Who says nice guys don't get nominated for Academy Awards...Oh, wait.

3. Bruce Dern - Nebraska: Everybody associated with the movie Nebraska was holding their breath and hoping that Bruce Dern wouldn't die before production ended. Fortunately, their gamble paid off.

2. Chitwell Ejiofor - 12 Years a Slave: Is it just me, or does it piss anyone else off when these liberal Hollywood studios hire foreign actors to play roles in American movies?

1. Mathew McConaughey - The Dallas Buyers Club: From his body transformation, to his willingness to take on the role of a gay man as an (allegedly) straight actor, Mathew McConaughey is only a role where he plays retard away from the coveted "Tom Hanks Lifetime Achievement Award."

Best Actress:

5. Sandra Bullock - Gravity: The only storyline with Sandra Bullock playing an astronaut that I'd believe is the one where the lady put on a pair of Depends and drove non-stop from Houston to Orlando in order to kidnap and murder her rival for a relationship with another astronaut.

4. Amy Adams - American Hustle: Amy Adams must be a good actress, because very few people realize that she's actually Mormon, which makes the doll below even more creepy, yet a little sexy at the same time, at least in a forbidden Donnie and Marie kind of way.

This Amy Adams action figure is slightly creepy.

3. Judi Dench - Philomena: Despite being nominated for best actress, Judi Dench will not be able to attend the Oscars because she's in India filming The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 2, who's producer must be the biggest dick in the world, because at 79-years-old, I'm thinking that Dench isn't going to get too many more chances to attend Hollywood's most pretentious night.

2. Meryl Streep - August: Osage County: If you make a successful movie where you play a dysfunctional person from the South, the people there resent you. If you play a dysfunctional Southerner and your performance is panned by critics from the East and West coasts, people from the South think you're a hero.

1. Cate Blanchett - Blue Jasmine: As Jasmine, Cate Blanchett plays a woman whose unhappy, recently divorced sister moves into her San Francisco apartment, which is really just Woody Allen's take on the Keeping up with the Kardashians episode where Khloe leaves Lamar and moves back in with Kim.

And while she's a sure in to win, nobody wants to hear her give a pretentious Oscar speech. 

Best Director:

This category would have been so much funnier to predict had Woody Allen been nominated.

Best Picture:

9. Her: If anybody could make a movie about a guy having an intimate relationship with his smart phone creepier than it already sounds, it was Joaquin Phoenix...And at least when girls do it, there's a vibrate mode. 

8. Gravity: At the very least, this movie made great strides in terms of technology, with Sandra Bullock's entire character having been computer generated. In fact, it gives me hope that we'll be seeing Philip Seymour Hoffman in films for years to come.

7. American Hustle: Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence were better cast when they played retards in Silver Linings Playbook. 

6. The Wolf of Wall Street: The Wolf of Wall Street is this year's typical crappy movie with a big named cast...I'm just trying to figure out what happened to prevent George Clooney from getting a role in this clunker.

5. Captain Phillips: Sadly, Captain Phillips is only the second best "Captain" movie ever made, still trailing Kurt Russell and Martin Short's classic, Captain Ron.

4. Philomena: I know absolutely nothing about this movie, and that automatically makes it better than the five films that I've listed immediately above it.

3. Nebraska: Not since The Grapes of Wrath has a film about corn and people from the heartland been so interesting.

2. 12 Years a Slave: I just don't see how a movie that clearly stole it's story from a classic like Django Unchained can be rewarded by the Academy.

1. The Dallas Buyers Club: If you went to this movie thinking it was a film about Jerry Jones and his free spending ways with the Dallas Cowboys like I did, you were sorely disappointed...That is, except for the love scenes between Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto.