Friday, August 8, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "Just because I wasn't shoving his dick in my mouth"

This week we rejoined Big Brother with the HOH Competition in progress.

That competition consisted of teams of two trying to manipulate twelve eggs from one end of a chicken wire screen to the other using nothing but their hands.

Caleb was especially frustrated saying, "Check this out, I've got man hands, and this competition is killing me."

And by "man hands," Caleb meant his stubbly little fingers. And ladies, you all know what that means about Caleb...He drives a Camaro.

With Caleb's fingers preventing him from going into "beast mode," Cody and Frankie both won HOH.

The remaining loyal members of the Bomb Squad (Frankie, Zach, Derrick, Caleb and Christine) decided to form a five person alliance which they decided to call "The Detonators."

Proving that he might not be a total douche bag, Cody told Hayden and Frankie, "As sad as this is, like I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing anything in this house with a girl."

However, Hayden, who's honest but not douchey, had another take on getting busy on camera. "Dude, honestly if it was under the covers, I'd go at it."

But Cody proved that he was actually thinking about the girl when he responded, "The thing is, the parents are watching."

From there, things took a turn for the worse.

Frankie volunteered, "I'd rather just think about Zac Efron, like I do everyday," which wasn't at all surprising since he's gay.

What was Surprising was Cody enthusiastically adding, "He is, the man. That is literally my man crush...Zac Efron is the man because this guy has probably got the most swag, he's completely shredded, he's hilarious."

Hayden took the awkwardness up a notch when he said, "You know who my man crush is? Leonardo Dicaprio," but to his credit, Leo is slightly more feminine than Nicole.

Meanwhile, Brittany tried to sell her position for staying in the game to Frankie as "the girl who doesn't throw myself at Cody."

As the only gay man who doesn't gossip Frankie said, "Brittany is telling me all of this information in confidence, so obviously I will keep it completely to myself, because this is Big Brother...Just kidding, I'm going to go tell Cody right now!"

After hearing from Frankie, Cody was offended that Brittany would even think that girls flirting with him would influence his nominations...Guys like Zac Efron? Now that's another issue.

Like any true Southern gentleman, Caleb became irate when Amber shut the door so she could talk to Cody without Caleb listening in on them.

Or as Caleb said, "That's pushin' my buttons man! It's stuff like that why, that's why, THAT'S WHY, I don't trust in women...I'm over that."

Caleb Reynolds, a/k/a "The Abdominal Douche Bag."

While it was announced that there would be no "Have-Nots" for the week, it forced everyone in the house to share their beds.

However, nobody wanted to sleep with Victoria, who for some reason had convinced herself that she was hot.  

If you saw Victoria Rafaeli from afar on a beach, you might think she was hot...But you'd be wrong.

Or as Brittany said, "When it comes to bedtime Victoria is high maintenance. She's just a ton of work and keeps you up at night, so nobody wants to sleep with her."

That caused Victoria to come to the realization, "No one wants to sleep with me in the bed. Who knew? I'm just so hurt by everyone, and I'm honestly over it, I don't trust anyone in the game," clearly suggesting that she wasn't "over it."

Things got worse than sleeping alone for Victoria, as Caleb nominated her for eviction along with Brittany, while Frankie nominated Jocasta and Amber.

Fortunately for Victoria, who was their primary target, Brittany was insulted over being nominated along with Victoria, whom she considered the weakest player in the house.

Instead of going with the flow and using Victoria's lack of respect in the house against her, Brittany lost her fucking mind.

And when Brittany complained, "I trusted Cody and look what I got, just because I wasn't shoving his dick in my mouth," Zach said, "There's nothing her or her boobs can do to save her."

Sure what Zach Rance said was sexist, but it was also true...Plus he likes cheeseburgers. 

The BOB Competition was a chess themed game, where the contestants dress up like they were at a medieval re-enactment.

That required the competitors to take turns stepping on and crossing off giant chess board squares as a Knight would move until they could no longer move to a previously unoccupied space.

Jocasta declared, "My strategy is to pray, because prayer is the only thing that will help us win."

She then immediately proceeded to trap herself in a corner and was eliminated from the contest...Glory be on high.

Victoria didn't understand how to move like a Knight in chess, which apparently isn't the same thing as taking selfies of your chess...I mean chest.

Victoria Rafaeli: I'm starting to sense that being an orthodox Jew is kind of like being  Catholic these days...That is, minus the 12-year-old boys.

Sure enough, Victoria also trapped herself, allowing Jocasta and Amber to win. That caused Jocasta to quiver and start speaking in tongues, apparently in a tribute to all the girls she used to have sex with.

Chess is a helluva game.

Talking about his military surveillance skills, Caleb walked into the HOH room while Cody was petting on Amber.

That caused Caleb to walk away and mutter, "And what do you know, home-skillet has his hands (on her) once again...something, something, "beast mode cowboy."

However, when Caleb told Zach, "It's like a kick in the nut, and punch in the nose," Zach had the balls to say, "Caleb, I got a secret for you, she's not into you man!"

He went on to say, "Caleb is a love struck, fruit loop, dingus, foolagain...I would love to send him right back to Kentucky where he belongs."

Sadly, while I live in Kentucky, Caleb Reynolds isn't originally from there, but I'll agree with Zach that he probably does belong there. 

At the POV Competition, Brittany chose Caleb to compete on her behalf by saying, "I only picked you because you look yummy in that shirt."

Of course, that's the same Brittany who basically accused the other girls of sucking Cody off to stay in the game, which lead everyone to ask, "Who's putting somebody's dick in their mouth now?" #BrittanyLearnedHowToPlay.

In a soccer themed POV, the contestants had to launch soccer ball towards net that was slotted with various points.

While the lowest point total was eliminated each round, each eliminated contestant received a prize, which was subject to being traded for by a player who went out of the game later.

While Caleb ended up winning the contest, he received a punishment in the form of a "German-Tard."

Spaten Beer Girls: All women should be required to wear "German-Tards."

However, as the winner he was able to trade that punishment for any other prize that a contestant received.

However, instead of trading it for the POV, which Victoria was holding, he decided to trade it for the $5K in cash that Nicole had won.

Sadly, as a former soccer player, Cody received a punishment for his poor finish in the soccer themed POV Competition, which basically required him to take it up the ass, which he was clearly accustomed to since he played soccer.

Apparently attracted to shiny things, Victoria revealed her excitement to have walked away with the POV necklace. "I'm a jewelry girl, and I love accessories."

That left Brittany furious that Caleb blew a chance to save her and selfishly took the money instead.

Cody was equally upset, and wanted to put Caleb up as his replacement nominee for Victoria, but Frankie urged Cody to "stick to the plan Rose," in reference to targeting someone who was not a friend with the Detonators Alliance as Caleb was considered to be.

In regards to his nominations, Cody told Donny that he wouldn't put him up, saying something like, "If I didn't put Caleb up my brother would call me the biggest pussy."

However, when all was said and done, Cody's Replacement Nominee for Victoria was Donny.

Donny clearly wasn't happy, and even went as far as to say, "bless his heart," which I think was his way of cursing. 

Cody, feeling awful for having been manipulated by others to put Donny up instead of Caleb had no trouble cursing saying, "I feel like such a bitch."

However, Donny was never in any real trouble, as Brittany was eliminated. And while the vote was unanimous, Brittany still mouthed "Wow" as Connie Chung announced the results.

After Brittany was eliminated, we saw footage from Hayden and Nichole's families regarding their budding romance.

With that we were treated with Nicole's little cousin saying, "Hayden is a little weird I think."

And when she was asked "Why," she didn't miss a beat and said, "Because, um, I don't know, he always tries to have sex with Nicole."

However, we were left wondering whether Hayden and Nicole actually got it on, as we saw footage of her asking him in bed, "Are you over it now that the chase is over?"

Then again, with Nicole's dick tease of a personality, she probably just let him kiss her. 

The episode concluded with a "Country Hits" HOH Competition, where the competitor squared off two at a time and tried to identify which past competition a made up country song was referring to.

With Frankie having just found out from the producers that his Grandpa had passed away, Derrick threw the Competition so Frankie could win one of the HOH spots and get to see pictures of his "Paw Paw."

Zach won the second HOH, which put his alliance with Frankie square in the driver's seat moving forward. 


  1. It's Julie Chen not Connie Chung!!

    1. I know, but to me the two are delightfully interchangeable!

  2. Oh and Caleb walked in and caught Caleb petting Amber? That whole paragraph is a mess.

  3. Yeah, I always get Cody and Caleb's names confused. I've made the correction!