Friday, February 1, 2013

The Bachelor Blog - "I got the limo, I got the jet. Then he took the Iraqi to the desert!"

As usual, this week's episode began with Sean shirtless. But this week he took things a step further, appearing in nothing but a pair of boxers...But only because they highlighted his high I.Q.

I'm pretty sure that The Bachelorette would get higher ratings if she would start out every episode in nothing but her bra and panites...That is, unless The Bachelorette was Ashley H.

Selma Alameri received the first 1-on-1 date, but was disappointed that she had to share it with her two fake boobs.

Initially excited when Sean took her to a private plane via a limousine, Selma was disappointed when they ended up hopping into a jeep and drove off into the to the desert after landing.

"I got the limo, I got the jet. Then he took the Iraqi to the desert!"

Depending on how you looked at it, that was either racist on Sean's part, or just a sweet gesture to make her feel more at home.

Either way, I don't see the white bread Christian boy winding up with the Muslim...Even if Selma Alameri does have giant fake boobs.

Things seemed to go well between Sean and Selma during a rock climbing expedition, even though it became obvious that she's a total drama queen that's only on the show for the attention instead of Sean.

That much became evident when Selma told Sean that she wasn't able to kiss him even though she "wanted to" due to her conservative religious beliefs. Strangely enough, those beliefs didn't prevent her from getting her boobs and teeth done.

Sadly, I've heard that exact same line about not being able to kiss me many of times from strippers...That is, minus the part about them having conservative religous beliefs and good teeth.

Nonetheless, Sean told Selma that he was crazy about her, and still gave her a Rose.

So Selma Alameri can kiss a guy in public and post it on Facebook? I think my bullshit detector is going off.

The Group Date was billed as a Roller Derby contest, to which AshLee exclaimed "This is not my cup of tea," mainly because she was terrified of all the fat girls on the show this season.

Strangely, Sean also invited Sarah, the one-armed girl, on such a physical date. Then again, it wasn't like she was going to fall and bruise her elbow or anything.

The theme of the this weeks Bachelor Group Date was "Roll with the punches."  While I'm not sure how well she rolls, I'm pretty sure that one-armed Sarah is going to have some problems when it comes to the punches....At least when it comes to her left hook.

Amanda falsely claimed to have participated in Roller Derbies before, mainly to intimidate the other girls. She then proceeded to get knocked down and nearly fracture her chin.

Back at the mansion, Tierra and Robyn had some sort of black girl/white girl tift that was more appropriate for America's Next Top Model. That caused Tierra to storm off claiming that she just wanted to go home, even though she clearly had no intention of doing so.

Tierra then proceeded to interrupt Sean just as he was about to get into the hot tub with Lindsay, and ended up playing the "none of the other girls like me card." That lead to Sean giving her a Rose, much to the other girls' dismay.

Doesn't Tierra LiCausi have the cutest little forehead dimple...chin dimple...And probably ass cheek dimples? At least she has a future as a heel in one of those low level pro wrestling leagues that travel from high school gym to high school gym across the South.

The second 1-on-1 Date went to Leslie H., who was given a pair of diamond earrings, a dress, shoes and a purse in a Rodeo Drive shopping spree. Of course, after saying "Leslie deserves to be treated like a princess," Sean picked her up in a Chrysler.

That caused Leslie H. to proclaim, "It's every girl's dream to shop on Rodeo Drive...This is like Pretty Woman."

And after calling herself a prostitute on national TV, Sean, or rather some high profile jewelry store gave Leslie H. a 120 carat diamond necklace to wear for the evening. However, that one was not for keeps like the other gifts she received.

At least the jeweler had more faith in Leslie H. than most jewelers have in Lindsay Lohan.

And as quickly as Leslie H. said, "Sean has totally taken control and made me feel more like a woman than I ever have in my life," he told her that he did not feel any romantic connection with her and sent her home.

That lead to an awkward moment where Sean had to remove the 120 carat diamond necklace from her neck before she could disappear into the wilderness screaming "Holy moly Batman!"

At the Rose Ceremony, Sean proclaimed "I'm emotionally invested in many of you," which was his way of saying that he was not necessarly feeling everyone.

Sadly, Sean sent Amanda home, probably because with a potentially fractured jaw she was no longer useful to him.

Personally, I don't know what there was not to like about Amanda Meyer, but I guess that's just me.


  1. Wow, way to be sexist/culturally ignorant all at once! Let me break this down for you:
    1) First, how do you know she has fake boobs? I know a lot of Iraqi women, and they are all well-endowed, as well as being petite. You've probably never met an Iraqi woman in your life, which is why this post is even more ridic.
    2) Culture is different than religion. Selma is not religious, but the community is more important than the individual in Arab cultures. Yes, she signed up for the show, but she doesn't want to skank it up. At the end of the day, no one puts a gun to your head saying you have to go into the fantasy suite. Are we really belittling her and her culture for not wanting their daughters/sons to go on a show and sleep with three people on television in ONE WEEK?!
    3) So, because a woman is dressed sexy, she has to put out? Wow, way to promote rape culture.

    Before you publish something, you should probably think about how it makes you look. Cause you come off super ignorant and sheltered, FYI.

  2. Wow, let me start by pointing out to you that this blog is meant to be satirical! I make fun of the ridiculous racial and gender stereotypes in our society, as well as the people with egos big enough to go on a show as superficial as "The Bachelor." Let me break it down for you:

    1) I don't know whether or not Selma has fake boobs. I'm just saying that they literally don't pass the smell test. Okay, not literally, but they still don't pass it.

    And by the way, I'm from Michigan. The last time I checked we had the largest Iraqi-American population in the country, so I've known plenty of Iraqi men and women, and not ALL of them are well-endowed...Especially the guys. So there!

    2) I do not profess to know Selma's religious beliefs or practices...Aside the part where she has repeatedly referred to herself as "Muslim" on the show.

    Personally, I'm not religious so I don't give a shit about whether someone is Christian, Muslim, or "other."

    I will say that I've read numerous reports saying that Selma did not come on the show for Sean or to find love, but rather to make a name for herself in Hollywood.

    Besides, isn't just going on a show that has a premise like "The Bachelor" a little inconsistent with the conservative cultural values she is purporting to have?

    3) I think the point that is lost on you is that I'm actually making fun of guys like Sean when it comes to the whole Fantasy Suite thing, not Selma.

    The guys signing on to be "The Bachelor" are only trying to get as much tail as they can from the "whoregasboard" of women on the show.

    Regardless of Selma's intentions, the moment she let Sean know that she wasn't available to be sampled she became worthless to him. Sure enough, he promptly sent her home despite what appeared to be some early chemistry.

    I'm not the one saying that a girl should have to "put out" to stay, but that's exactly how the show is set up, and I'm simply pointing that absurdity out. Sorry to ruin the fairy tale for you :(

    So before you criticize somebody's post, you should probably recognize that not everything is meant to be read literally. Cause it makes you sound like you're on the rag and makes your butt look big ;)