Thursday, February 21, 2013

NASCAR Predictions From A Guy Who Doesn't Watch Racin' - Because race related deaths, potholes and a truck burning on the side of the road are just a typical day in Detroit.




The 2013 NASCAR Sprint Cup season starts this week, beginning with the sports biggest race of the year! And after the Nationwide Series 300 Mile Race at Daytona Speedway comes the Daytona 500.

I don't watch the races, but that's not going to stop me from picking up a limited edition hunting case of Busch beer that has those orange cans, Googling "Danica Patrick naked," and predicting the 2013 Sprint Cup results.

I'm not kidding about this, as a cross promotion Busch actually produced gun cases with a matching pattern...Because nothing goes better with guns than rednecks.

The racing season has gotten off to some rocky starts over the years, with delays due to race related deaths, potholes, and even burning vehicles on the side of the road.

Ironically, Brad Keslowski had to navigate those pitfalls on an everyday basis while growing up in Detroit, making him the early favorite to win the 2013 Daytona 500...Maybe then he'll finally get his fucking teeth fixed.

You see, the NASCAR brain trust apparently didn't realize that it might be problematic to use jet fuel to dry excess moisture from a track that's lined by 70,000 chain smokers and privy to more sparks from metal on metal body contact than a hotel room shared by Rob Halford of Judas Priest and Fred Durst.



And when a slightly intoxicated driver slams into a truck spraying jet fuel on the track (while the race was still going on I might add)...Boom goes the dynamite. Fortunately NASCAR tracks all have those sturdy chain link fences to protect their fans from dangers like fire and flying engine parts.

Fortunately, NASCAR has remedied that problem this season by rigging a pickup truck (naturally) with blowers extending from the same area of the trailerhitch that the fake nut sack is supposed to dangle from.

People with "The NASCAR Gene" are no strangers to jury rigging things...After all, they are the same people that showed the world that a "mower cycle" is actually a piece of lawn care equipment, and not just something that is said by an Outlaw  biker with a speech impediment.

The big change for the upcoming NASCAR season is the switch to their new "Generation Six" cars.

Not only are those cars designed to look more like their street counterparts, but their bumpers no longer automatically line up, making it more difficult for Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. to "bump draft" Danica Patrick's tailpipe...Well, at least not while the race is going on.

With that said, how will this season play out? Let's take a look.

POLE POSITION
(Who the Top 10 finishers in the 2012 Sprint Cup will be, and why)

10. and 9. Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. - Patrick and Stenhouse tried to hide their budding relationship while Patrick was still married, but who were they kidding?

I mean, Stenhouse's racing team credits her with convincing him to cut his mullet a couple of years ago, which in some parts of Kentucky and West Virginia makes them legally married.

Fortunately, Patrick and Stenhouse's romantic relationship is a marketer's dream. In fact, I see the potential for the first ever car sponsored by a sex related product like KY Jelly or Trojan condoms...That is, assuming that ex-racer Dick Trickle didn't cash in on his legendary name during his career.



Actually, this doesn't even surprise me in the least...Cigarettes and "Dick Trickle" have always gone hand in hand.

8. Arie Luyendyk, Jr. - If Danica Patrick can make the switch from IndyCar to NASCAR, then surely the runner up on The Bachelor can do it too, right?

I'm pulling for this to happen if for no other reason than to see Arie and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. live off of their father's legacies and argue over who gets first crack at Emily Maynard (the former Bachelorette star and ongoing NASCAR groupie) in their trailer after the race.

7. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. - Speaking of "Junior," last year he was having his best season in ages before getting shut down during "The Chase for the Sprint Cup" due to a concussion.

My question is, how do you determine someone's concussion baseline for the purposes of testing when that person is mentally retarded like Dale Earnhardt, Jr. to begin with?

Unfortunately for "Little E," NASCAR's scoring system has been revised to reward drivers who actually win, which means that his season is pretty much over before it even begins...And there ain't enough restrictor plates in the world that can fix that.

To make matters worse, Earnhardt seems to be struggling with the new "Generation Six" cars, having caused a twelve car pileup in what was merely a testing run.

He went on to claim that left him even more embarrassed than the opening weekend of last year's Chase, when he blew a motor at the end of his qualifying lap by over-revving it while trying to knock the car out of gear.

Interestingly, that's the exact same thing that I saw some guy do to his Camaro when I was watching all the "Camaro Guys" and "Douchey McMustangs" cruise the local McDonald's parking lot back in high school.

This poor Dale Earnhardt, Jr. groupie spelled "butt" wrong...Bless her pretty little heart.
6. Kevin Harvick - After rumors of an impending divorce, DeLana Harvick was seen wearing a T-shirt proclaiming, "I wear the firesuit in this family!"

In fact, it would have been her exclusive right to wear one pursuant to a clause in their pre-nuptual agreement, which could have ended Kevin's racing career given NASCAR's strict safety requirements that they don't ever enforce (Dale Earnhardt, Sr., cough - cough).

DeLana Harvick was rumored to be having an affair with her personal trainer. Kevin Harvick was rumored to be having an affair with Tony Stewart.

However, the divorce fizzled when it was announced that DeLana got knocked up.

And before we could even get the results to the paternity test, things got weird last fall when Tony Stewart was captured goosing DeLana on camera.


And while they all laughed it off by saying that it was consensual and done in fun for luck, where I come from my co-workers don't grab my girlfriend's ass for good luck...They grab mine.

5. Jeff Gordon - The normally squeaky clean Gordon raised some eyebrows last year when he intentionally wrecked Clint Bowyer, which resulted in another one of NASCAR's legendary bitch fights.

To add more tension to the mix, the two reportedly had an awkward run-in on Puff Daddy's yacht at his New Year's Eve party.

Now I just need someone to fill in the gap and explain to me how Jeff Gordon and Clint Bowyer went from fighting at a NASCAR race to attending a New Year's Eve party thrown by Puff Daddy.

4. Clint Bowyer - Confirming the argument that NASCAR drivers are not even remotely close to being athletes, Clint Bowyer noted how he doesn't work out at the gym because, "Those weights are heavy," which is probably why they're called "weights."

Boyer made news last year by asking a foreign reporter if they have rednecks in Europe after talking about how he was going to "Redneck it up" after a big win.

After getting Bowyer's definition of what a redneck was, the reporter responded by saying that Germany had people like that up north, but they were considered less intelligent than the people in the rest of the country.

That caused Bowyer to exclaim, "That's us!"

Speaking of which, sometimes I kind of wish that I was retarded...It's gotta kind of be like being drunk, but all the time.


Not wanting to be outdone by her male NASCAR rivals, Danica Patrick finds out what it feels like to be on the other end of a "mamo-graph."

3. Jimmie Johnson - Having layed off of liquor and fatty foods this offseason while preparing to run a half marathon during the week of the Daytona 500, Jimmie Johnson is the polar opposite of Clint Bowyer and Tony Stewart.  

I guess that explains why Jimmie Johnson is living the redneck dream of getting to meet former President George W. Bush and having an ex-model for a wife.

If you pee on the home pregnancy test stick and numbers appear,  it means you got knocked up by a NASCAR driver.

2. Tony Stewart - Why do I think that Tony Stewart has hidden cameras in his racing team's trailer hoping to secretly videotape Danica Patrick and Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. sneaking in a "quicky" so he can market it as a sex tape?

Starring Danica Patrick: "ASSCAR - The Ballad of Ricky's Boobies."

1. Brad Keslowski - During his Sprint Cup Championship season in 2012 Keslowski: Tweeted while driving during a race, "Tebowed" after a victory while holding a can of beer to honor a bet that he had made after a night of drinking, and chugged beer out of "The Big Beer Glass" following his victory. 

Whether it's Tweeting while driving or slamming beers at the track, I don't think Brad Keslowski is going to be earning any safe driver discounts in time in the near future..


Does anybody else find this commerical for "The General" with a Confederate era rebel cartoon character to be inherently racist? 

Finally, let's hope that James Franco does a better job as the Grand Marshall of the Daytona 500 than he did hosting last year's Oscars...If not, there's always this guy!


This prayer from Pastor Joe Nelms is the one good thing to ever come about as a result of NASCAR...Or any evangelical church for that matter.

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