Thursday, February 28, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "I can make Russell look like a little pussy"

Russell's Nephew came back from the first Tribal Council furious over the fact that the Veterans had voted out Francesca first for the second time in her two seasons...Even though the other obvious option would have been to vote for him.

For some reason Russell's Nephew went after Dawn with his redneck verbal and physical intimidation, forgetting for a moment that she wasn't even one of the good looking girls that he needed to send home for fear that he might have to "accidentally" rape her.

And when Russell's Nephew got in Dawn's face and yelled, "I'm a fucking honey badger dude," she immediately ran off into the woods and cried with Lisa Whelchel.

And when Brandon Hantz calls himself a "fucking honey badger," he really means "poo bear."

Not resting on intimidating a middle aged Mormon lady who had never been away from her husband and four co-wives, Russell's Nephew decided that he was finally going to make his family proud.

"I'm thinking of going Russell Hantz style on these bitches right now. I feel like Rambo. I honestly feel his blood flowing through my body right now. It's like a wave, and it's coming back. It feels great."

He went on to tell Erik, "It would be really fun to screw things up, just make camp life miserable. I can make Russell look like a little pussy...I'm playing DIR-TEE to the core, I wanna go out with a bang."

And as much as Russell's Nephew wanted to finally make uncle Russell proud of him, he wimped out by the next morning.

As in yet another one of his dramatic mood swings, undoubtedly caused by having to detox from drugs much like Charlie Sheen, Brandon announced that he wanted to play clean and restore his family's name.

In fact, Brandon's whole rant sounded an awful like Sheen, who infamously said, "They picked a fight with a warlock," and "I got tiger blood, man...Adonis DNA."

If Brandon Hantz really wants to be like Charlie Sheen, he either needs to get better writers or less haggard looking "Goddesses."
Picking up on Brandon's tendencies, Phillip called Russell's Nephew "crazy," while Cochran labeled him as a "sociopathic murderer."

Meanwhile, Phillip began referring to himself as the tribe's CEO in his delusional vision of a corporate world in which casual Friday means wearing white tighty-whities instead of the colored ones that he normally wears.

Obviously questioning his own sexuality after seeing Phillip's bulge, Russell's Nephew began to target him, calling Phillip "Special Agent Pink Panther."

Ironically, Brandon Hantz called Phillip the "biggest bully out here," not realizing that he was wearing Phillip's underwear on his head. 

For the Fans, Sherri noted the "Lovers" Alliance" that had developed between Eddie, Hope, Reynold and Allie, but not necessarily in that order when it came to their couple combinations.

That lead Sherri to organize the other six members in the Fans Tribe that the "Cool Kids" had dogged in order to break up their alliance.

The prospect of joining an alliance with numbers thrilled Shamar, who had been spending 19 hours a day sleeping.

Shamar Thomas put his "Occupy Wallstreet" training to good use by sleeping most of the day under the guise that being lazy, loud and angry would make him less of a threat to the rest of the tribe.

The Immunity Challenge involved a tribe members pulling their teammates on a raft to a platform, where they would dive to release rings that would be tossed onto poles back on shore, with the winners also receiving a fishing kit.

While Shamar bitched and whined about being relegated to being a puller, his fatness became his best asset, as he was the only player for the Fans who even came remotely close to giving their tribe a chance to win.

And upon arriving back at camp, Reynold let Shamar have it. "I'm going to call you out right now. Your behavior, where I come from is unacceptable."

Of course, Reynold Toepfer comes from the "Land of 10,000 Mullets," so we should probably take that into consideration.

As usual, Shamar handled his confrontations with the utmost class shouting, "SHUT UP! STOP TALKING TO ME! SHUT UP!"

Sensing that he might be in trouble, Reynold went out in the jungle looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol, which he promptly found in like five minutes. That gave him plenty of time to look at his reflection in a puddle that he found.

Wanting to play his good fortune low key, Reynold declared that he wasn't going to "walk back into camp with some stupid grin on my face and a giant bulge in my pocket."

Sure enough, Laura instantly outed Reynold. "I see a bulge in Reynold's pocket, and we all know that the only thing that you would put in your pocket before Tribal Council is the hidden Immunity Idol."

No need for Reynold Toepfer to flatter himself about that bulge...It looks like he stuffs his pants.
However, Laura did not have a chance to tell her alliance before she left, so she had to out Reynold at Tribal Council by saying, "I saw a bulge from one pocket."

And while she refused to say who, she looked directly at Reynold, who outed himself. "Apparently my pants are too tight."

And while Reynold indicated that he intended to play his Idol, he decided that he wasn't quite ready to give his bulge up.

That sent fellow "Cool Kid" Allie home, a little bit more humbled than she was when she arrived.

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