Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "We were all going to try and not be a cliche and have the cool kids hang out, but it happened"

This season began another installment of SURVIVOR: Fans vs. Favorites, which means that the Hantz family was able to avoid going on Welfare for a record breaking 4th consecutive year.

Who am I kidding, I'm pretty sure that the Russell Hantz clan continues to draw Welfare despite their reality TV money.

The "Fans" did not seem rattled at all to learn that they were competing against former players, with someone even yelling out "Nerd Alert!" as John Cochran climbed out of the "Favorites" boat.

Immediately after their introduction, the two tribes participated in a Reward Challenge for fire and beans in a full contact game of capture the flag, with a floating ring replacing the flag, while they wrestled in waist deep water.

Things got real fast when the ex-Marine and controversial "Occupy New York" activist Shamar Thomas yelled for Sherri to "Break her wrist!" as she competed against Brenda.

Shamar Thomas' comment caused a flabbergasted Jeff Probst to completely stop what he was doing and ask, What!?!"

However, the "Favorites" came back to win, highlighted by Brandon Hantz ass raping Jersey douche bag Eddie Fox, and Malcolm Freberg losing his pants in the process of scoring the final point the veterans needed for a win.

Malcolm Freberg, exposing his llilly white ass.

At the Gota Tribe camp, Matt advocated building a shelter first, while Shamar demanded that they try to start fire so they could boil their drinking water.

Things got tense for a moment, with Matt bitching at Shamar for pouting and sitting on his ass, and Shamar snapping back by yelling, "SHUT UP! STOP TALKING!"

Fortunately, Ebony and Ivory finally came together, with Matt putting together a shelter and Shamar getting off his ass to show his tribe how to start a fire by rubbing kindling together, thereby forming the Arian Nation-Nubian alliance.

Eddie and Reynold bonded over being the tribe's wanna be alpha male douche bags, calling themselves "The hunted species."

Reynold went on to bring Allie into their alliance and described her by saying, "She's not the cutest, she's not anything. She's just cool, and there, and likable."

And after Reynold told Allie that he would act low key with her around camp in order to hide their alliance, Laura busted them cuddling in bed on the very first night.

Eddie bonded with Hope, and she described their connection by saying, "That's because we're the only two people here to look at."

Coming from a guy who likes skinny women, Hope Driskill clearly doesn't realize how unattractively thin she is.

Eddie was equally self absorbed saying, "Me and Hope are the best two looking people here. I'm not just saying that, it's the truth."

That lead to Reynold, Allie, Hope and Eddie all sneaking off into the ocean, with Reynold arrogantly saying, "We were all going to try and not be a cliche and have the cool kids hang out, but it happened."

Hope added, "It's true though," while Eddie said, "It's like the cool kid table back in high school," claiming that he didn't expect anyone else to be pretty or cool enough to join their group.

Of course, they were too narcissistic to realize that Matt was actually cooler than either of the two guys, and Julie was better looking than both of the girls.

Pop Culture Video Break: Mindy McCready's life turned out to be a complete and total waste...Her dog didn't even get the chance to eat her corpse.

For the Veterans, Phillip channeled his inner secret agent by trying to put an alliance together, complete with code names like "The Dominatrix" (Corinne), "The Eliminator" (Andrea), and "The Under-cover Brother" (himself).

Personally, I would have gone with "Mr. Pink," but that's just me.

However, not everyone was on board with his offer of membership in the 007 Alliance, as Erik did not appreciate his "join or get voted out" sales pitch.

Meanwhile, red-headed Cochran managed to get come down with the worst sunburn since the last time I tried to stay out on a lake all afternoon on a 4th of July.

That weekend actually lead me to replace my standard "Burn, peel, repeat" routine with "Blister, puss, and cry."

And when the teams  got to the Immunity Challenge, Jeff Probst immediately commented, "That's the worst sunburn in the history of SURVIVOR! When did that happen?

And while Cochran playfully responded by saying, "Immediately," he also let on how bad he was hurting when the cameras ran in private.

"I'm actually in horrible pain right now. My new persona is to be strong with a little bit of swagger...I can't be that freak I was last time."

Cochran did seem to be getting along exceptionally well with his tribe, describing his social game as "The aloe to my sunburn."

The challenge itself required teams of two from each tribe to climb up ladders to different floors of a mock building, and then throw boxes with bean bags to the ground so a thrower could engage in a bean bag toss.

And while the Favorites broke out to an early lead, Reynold ended up tossing his bean bags much faster than Malcolm, which earned Immunity for the "Fans."

Upon arriving at Tribal Council, Russell's Nephew proclaimed that since they were veterans of the game, nobody was gong to get done the way they did the last time they played.

Brandon Hantz can rest assured. Unlike the last time he played SURVIVOR, he'll leave the game looking fatter, more redneck, and dumber this time around...If that was even possible.

That caused Jeff Probst to jump in and say, "Oh, somebody is!"

And when Francesca took exception to one of Jeff's questions by saying, "It's like you're saying I'm bad at SURVIVOR," Jeff quipped, "No, YOU said that."

That caused Brandon to marvel, "This guy's good!"

In the end, Francesca's worst fears came true, and she was voted out 6-4.

That gave her the dubious record of appearing on two different seasons of SURVIVOR, but only having appeared in two episodes over both of those seasons.

And that alone probably makes her the worst player to ever play the game.

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