Part II of ABC's special two part "Bachelor Event" began with Tierra LiCausi being fat and nasty.
|...Which is just where we left off the night before.|
This week Sean moved the girls on to Canada, mainly because he needed a break from the lack of people and cold weather in Montana.
Sean ended up taking the girls to a resort on Lake Louise, a bright blue glacial lake in the Canadian Rockies.
The first 1-on-1 date went to Catherine, who worried that she had been left alone in what she described as a blizzard (even though it was hardly snowing), perhaps forgetting that she was surrounded by probably 10 different camera men and producers, but probably not.
Sean obviously feels strongly for Catherine, as she got the full blown princess treatment.
That consisted of a ride on the Canadian version of an all-terrain beer truck up a glacier to go sledding, a horse drawn carriage ride, and sharing a drink at a castle made out of ice.
|They then proceeded to chisel dirty ice from the walls and put it in their drinks, which caused them both to come down with dysentery.|
Catherine went on to share a heartbreaking story with Sean where she and her best friend at summer camp went hiking, only to have a tree fall on their path and crush her friend to death upon impact.
She then explained how she went through a phase where she engaged in random acts of deforestation, kind of like how girls who were sexually abused as children end up sleeping with a bunch of guys in order to reclaim their sexuality.
That turned out to be enough for Sean to give Christina a rose, but it was only of the $2 variety.
|Sean Lowe's obviously an old fashioned guy, but I'm not really feeling his old school frosted hair look. But at least Christina will know what Sean looks like when he turns old...Or into an Oompa Loompa.|
The Group Date began with the girls rowing across Lake Louise in canoes. Unfortunately, Sean made Sarah to go on the date, who just ended up canoeing around in circles since she only has one arm.
|Much like me, The Bachelor's producers keep focusing on Sarah's nub on camera...I just feel like they should be blurring it out or something.|
Eventually Sean informed the girls that he intended on having them take a "Polar Bear Plunge."
Sean explained that would involve jumping into water just above freezing, and totalling submerging their head all the way under the water...Which totally explained why he got rid of all the black girls before this date.
Selma proclaimed that while she'd "do anything for a rose," she wasn't about to jump into the ice cold water.
Accordingly, she decided to sit and watch rather than go in the water by explaining, "We are warm weather people," as she applied some more lipstick, apparently not realizing that Iraq's average temperature regularly drops below zero.
On the other hand, AshLee decided to jump in after initially being apprehensive about that decision.
In explaining her reason for doing so, AshLee said, "No one ever in my life has made me want to do something for him," meaning that the male figures in her life had set the bar very low.
Aside from Selma standing in a bikini awkwardly watching Sean and the girls jump in and out of the water, everything went smoothly. That is, until Tierra almost died...At least according to her.
Mysteriously, while all of the other girls seemed to feel exhilarated by their plunge, Tierra begin convulsing and eventually became non responsive shortly after she returned to the shelter.
That caused two people who were either medics or Canada's finest chiropractors to rush in, and the other girls to question whether or not Tierra was just faking it just to get more of Sean's attention.
|In her metallic swimsuit and foil wrapping, Tierra LiCausi looks kind of like one of those super fatty and gas station hamburgers that you only eat when it's late at night and you're super drunk.|
After it was determined that Tierra's condition was so urgent that she needed to be transported immediately to the lobby of the resort, she came to and demonically hissed, "I MISSED TIME WITH HIM!"
She then proceeded to warm up by cramming her face with a celebratory cheeseburger.
|Oxygen and a cheeseburger?...Suddenly there is hope for the "Millennials" and Tierra LiCausi.|
But when Sean gave it to Lesley instead, Tierra's draw dropped and she exclaimed, "I think I deserve it. I put up with a lot of shit, and I don't think it's fair."
On the other hand, Sean could have sent her home while she had oxygen tubes up her nose, so she should probably just be happy to stick around for another week.
Sarah tried to impress Sean by showing him black and white photos of her when she was child growing up in the 50's.
However, that plan backfired, as when she told him how much she wanted him to meet her family, he realized that he had been far too nice to the girl who only had one arm.
And since she was obviously developing feelings for him, Sean pulled Sarah aside and privately sent her home so as not to embarrass her at the Rose Ceremony.
Of course Sarah didn't take his good will gesture too well, saying, "I wanted to hear an explanation, because it's always the same...It's not my first time."
Personally, I think that ABC should make Sarah the next "Bachelorette," just so we can see all the self absorbed douchey guys scramble when they realize that they're competing for a girl for her non conventional good looks and personality, and not just a trophy girlfriend.
Surprisingly, the final 1-on-1 date went to Desiree, not Daniella, who was the only girl yet to spend any quality alone time yet with Sean.
Sean took Desiree repelling down a 400 foot cliff. After making out, she informed him that she not only grew up living in a trailer, but at times was forced to downgrade to a tent.
That turned out to be a good plan on Desiree's part, because if she had told him that she was of trailer stock first, they probably wouldn't have ended up making out.
Nonetheless, Sean still ended up giving her a rose, but only because trailer park girls are known to either put out or rob you for drug money...And given my success with the ladies, I'd be willing to take those odds too.
As Sean talked to Lindsay, she teased him by telling him that she had vowed not to kiss him, 40 Days and 40 Nights style, even though she kept pressing her face towards his knowing exactly what was going to happen.
Sean teased back by asking her to, "Tell me something I don't know." Lindsay ended up getting Sean's attention when she responded by saying, "I sleep naked...The girls aren't as accepting."
Of course, that was much better than the response I received when I once asked a girl the same question and she responded by saying, "I fart when I get surprised!"
Sure enough, Lindsay ended up by begging Sean to kiss her.
AshLee took another leap of faith by putting a blindfold on and putting her full trust in Sean to do with her as he pleased. And since the cameras were rolling, Sean only ended up kissing her and not raping her like her real father did.
And while AshLee made Sean think as if she was giving complete control to him, she was really manipulating his actions.
At the Rose Ceremony, Sean had to decide which two girls to send home, and with Tierra pretty much ineligible to go home since she's the only girl keeping ABC's ratings viable, Sean had a real decision to make.
Sure enough, the last rose of the night went to Tierra, with Selma and Daniella getting sent home. Of course, as the fat girl who had yet to spend any time with Sean, Daniella was the no-brainer.
The big surprise was Selma, who appeared to have some serious chemistry with Sean...At least until she told him that her conservative beliefs prevented her from kissing him.
And while she did give Sean a kiss in this episode by claiming it was "necessary," I'm guessing that Sean wasn't feeling it.
Regardless of Selma's intentions, (it has been rumoured that she only came on the show to make a name for herself in Hollywood), the moment that she let Sean know that she was not available to be sampled like the "whoregasboard" of women he has to choose from, she became worthless to him.
I guess that not only sealed her fate, but proved to America exactly what Sean is really looking for in a woman.