Sunday, January 27, 2013

Super Bowl XLVII Prediction - Because Colin Kaepernick is already an elite quarterback.

Well, our worst fear came true, a "Super-Bro" Super Bowl featuring John and Jim Harbaugh. I just feel bad for their retarded brother Cooper, who never made it into football.

I'm sorry, I should apologize for that last remark. The retarded brother "Cooper" actually belongs to the Mannings, not the Harbaughs.

There are so many questions to debate before finally making my predictions for Super Bowl XLVII.

Will Alicia Keys go all Ray Lewis on Beyonce for all but forcing her to sing the National Anthem live instead of lip syncing it like she secretly wanted to?

Will Joe Flacco re-grow his mustache in attempts to supplant Michael Phelps as Baltimore's biggest hipster wannabe?

Joe Flacco, channelling his inner Freddie Mercury.

Or will Phil Simms step outside his comfort zone like he did in 2007 when he proved that he is not only one of the worst announcers in all of football, but that he also could have been one of the worst actors in all of Hollywood by making a cameo on one of the worst sitcoms since Arrested Development?

When it comes to Super Bowl Sunday, I don't want the football or a microphone anywhere near Phil Simms' hands.

And while there are no sure betting lines in this year's Super Bowl, the one thing we can count on is that there will be more CGI's in crappy mailed in commercials than a George Lucas movie.

Retro Commercial Break: Dennis Hopper's iconic Nike ad campaign as "Stanley the Referee."

And with Roger Goodell reinstating Saints coach Sean Payton from suspension over his role in "Bounty Gate" early to ensure that the local "Coon-Asses" don't make him gator bait for ruining the their 2012-2013 season, let's breakdown how the Ravens and the 49ers match up:

Quarterbacks - Few teams have been able to slow down the "Kaeper-stick" and the 49'ers "Pistol Offense" since he replaced Alex Smith as San Francisco's starter. That's primarily because teams simply don't have the time to prepare new schemes with only one week prep time after training camp breaks.

Apparently, defensive coordinators aren't the only one's with their eyes on Colin Kaepernick's "pistol."

The key question is whether or not the Ravens will be able to come up with anything to adapt to the "Pistol" with an extra week of prep time between the Conference Championship games and the Super Bowl.

San Francisco's "Saint Kaepernick," Colin Kaepernick and whatever the hell you call his ugly beard.

Joe Flacco has never been able to match his big arm with consistent production at the NFL level. However, he has put together an impressive 8-0 TD to interception ratio in the playoffs this year, and no other quarterback in NFL history with such a record heading into the Super Bowl has ever not won MVP honors, let alone not won the game itself.

Advantage - San Francisco.

Receivers - Both teams will run 12 or 22 personnel sets (two tight ends), with San Francisco having the most explosive target at TE in Vernon Davis, who's finally beginning to develop some chemistry with Colin Kaepernic.

While Torrey Smith looked like he was emerging into a go-to receiver earlier in the season, it has been veteran Anquan Boldin who has bailed the Ravens out during the playoffs.

On the other hand, the only time that Michael Crabtree hasn't had his hands on the football of late has been when he's been using them to smack up the bitches (allegedly). But with those charges expected to be dropped this week, Crabtree can go back towards becoming the top tier WR he was drafted to be. That's a good thing, because Randy Moss continues his quest to cement his legacy as a mediocre possession receiver.

Advantage - San Francisco.

Running Game - I've already considered Colin Kaepernick's running ability into my evaluation of the Quarterbacks, so this analysis goes down to the running backs and run blocking of the respective teams.

San Francisco's Frank Gore is not explosive, but powerful enough to punish soft run defenses like that of the Ravens. Meanwhile, Ray Rice is one of the most complete running backs in all of football, and could be one of the few backs to pose a match-up problem for the 49'ers stout defense.

Advantage - Baltimore.

Pass Protection - Baltimore has a makeshift offensive line anchored by suspect tackles, Michael Oher and Brian McKinney. That will leave them vulnerable to Alton Smith...Assuming that he decides to show up at some point during the playoffs.

San Francisco has built one of the better all around lines in football with Joe Staley at left tackle and Mike Iupatti at left guard. Anthony Davis has underachieved for where he was drafted, but isn't a liability at right tackle either.

Advantage: San Francisco.

Pass Rush - Pro Bowl OLB Alton Smith has not been the same since DE Justin Smith suffered a ruptured triceps in Week 15. Not only has Alton not been able to get to the quarterback like he did when he had a strong 5-technique rusher lining up next to him, but he looks like he hasn't even been making an effort, which is even more concerning.

The 49ers desperately need Justin Smith's injury and Alton Smith's attitude to improve before the Super Bowl.

Terrell Suggs has provided a much needed boost to Baltimore's pass rush since his return from injury towards the end of the season, and especially in the playoffs. Paul Kruger has been solid filling in on pass rushing situations, but the key for the Ravens may be getting pressure from a blitzing safety like Bernard Pollard.

Advantage: Baltimore.

Run Defense - San Francisco has excelled in run defense all season, while Baltimore has struggled in that department. Having Ray Lewis return from a torn triceps could help. Perhaps his intensity, instincts and abundance of IGG-1 will carry him in his final NFL game. In all honesty, Lewis is probably too big and slow at this stage of his career to have a meaningful impact. Then again, if deer antler extract makes you faster, maybe Ray Lewis will do us all a favor and run into oncoming traffic.

Sadly, Super Bowl XLVII will be the last time we see the "Ray Lewis Dance."

Advantage: San Francisco.

Pass Defense - San Francisco's defense has done an outstanding job of keeping the game in front of their secondary, limiting opponents to only 6.1 yards per passing attempt. Meanwhile, the Ravens have surrendered only 15 passing TD's on the season while racking up 13 interceptions. Of all the members of their respective secondaries, the Ravens have the biggest playmaker in Ed Reed.

Advantage: Even.

Special Teams - David Akers has been a great kicker over his career, but I can't help but think that the 49ers loyalty to him while cutting Billy Cundiff before the NFC Championship Game might end up costing them the Super Bowl. Jacoby Jones has something to prove for the Ravens after costing the Texans a game with a costly fumble in the last year's playoffs.

Advantage: Baltimore.

Key Players - San Francisco QB Colin Kaepernick, San Francisco DE Alton Smith, San Francisco K David Akers, San Francisco TE Vernon Davis, San Francisco KR Ted Ginn, Jr., San Francisco LB Navarro Bowman; Baltimore QB Joe Flacco, Baltimore RB Ray Rice, Baltimore WR Torrey Smith, Baltimore DE Terrell Suggs.

Intagibles - Things couldn't be going much worse for the Ravens this week. First Ray Lewis has been dogged by the press about his role in the murders at his 1999 Super Bowl party in Atlanta. Now one of the Ravenette cheerleaders is alleging that she was denied a trip with the team to the Super Bowl because she gained weight.

Baltimore Ravens cheerleader Courtney Lenz is alleging that she was left off the Ravenettes roster for Super Bowl XLVII because she gained weight...And upon further review, I'm pretty sure her allegation is correct.

Not to be outdone, San Francisco players Chris Culliver, Ahmad Brooks and Isaac Sopoaga made news for their varying degrees of homophobia...I guess this is what happens the one week all year when bitches play attention to football.

MVP Prediction - Colin Kaepernick, San Francisco.


Final Predictions:

San Francisco 27 - Baltimore 24
Baltimore +3.5 over San Francisco
Over 47.5

Colin Kaepernick, shirtless and sporting his abs and tattoos, has already become an elite NFL quarterback.

Season Record Against the Spread:

NFL Results Season to Date: 77-87-3
College Football Results: 38-18-1

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