Thursday, February 14, 2013

Blogging Survivor: Caramoan - Meet The Cast

Survivor - Caramoan is upon us. This season the contestants are being divided into two tribes.

The main twist includes bringing in ten new contestants to compete against ten returning "fan favorites."

In actuality, those "fan favorites" only included two people that the audience actually liked, and seven other former players that were simply available because they have remained unemployed since they last appeared on the show.

I realize that my math only adds up to nine...That's because Malcolm Freberg fell into both categories.

Oh yeah, and included with the ten returning former players was yet another relative of Russell Hantz. Of course, that really isn't even a twist anymore, it's more like par for the course.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.

Gota Tribe (fans)

Hope Driskill - A 23-year-old pre-law major from Jefferson City, Missouri.

Pros: She's pretty good looking.

Cons: She describes herself as being "attractive," which automatically makes her much less attractive than she thinks she is.

Of course, what Survivor did not tell us in her bio was that Hope Driskill was Miss Missouri USA in 2011, shown here with Donald Trump. Fortunately, emaciated pageant girls have always fared pretty well living off the land in less than ideal conditions while on the show. 

Eddie Fox - A 23-year-old fireman/EMT from New Jersey.

Pros: Young and physically fit, Eddie claims to be a swimmer and athletic.

Cons: Posted a photo of himself shirtless on Facebook with the caption, "Very happy with myself. Hard work paying off," proving that he's a typical douche bag from Jersey.

Clearly, this photo doubles as Eddie Fox's online dating profile picture. I just feel bad for all of the girls on "Plenty of Fish" that he emails pictures of his junk to.

Laura Alexander - A 23-year-old administrative officer from Washington D.C.

Pros: Laura climbed a mountain in Africa and claims to be good a puzzles.

Cons: I can't find anything interesting on her, either positive or negative.

Laura Alexander...Sorry, that's all I have.

Sherri Biethman - A 41-year-old fast food franchisee from Boise, Idaho.

Pros: Lists her claim to fame as "finding the right diagnosis for my autistic son," which is amazing considering that she doesn't even own an Applebees.

Cons: Falls just below Jenny McCarthy on the hotness to crazy ratio for mothers of autistic children.

At least Sherri Biethman's kid won't understand the social ramifications of having a mom who's a cougar.

Matt Bischoff - A 38-year-old BMX bike dealer and metal band singer from Cincinnati.

Pros: Despite a gruff exterior, seems like he's a pretty likable dude.

: Lists one of his inspirations as the guy who grew the longest beard in history, which shows that he may not be the highest achiever that the show's ever brought on.

Then again, Matt Bischoff's wife is pretty hot, so clearly Yosemite Sam is doing something right.

Julia Landauer - A 21-year-old professional race car driver from New York who's currently attending Stanford University.

Pros: Currently heads a team of men as the head of her own racing team at the age of 21.

Cons: Even though she's kind of cute for a redneck, she is on record as having said that she is trying to develop her "Julia Landauer Racing Brand," so I'm not sure she's in the show for all the right reasons.

Julia Landauer's breath also reeks of Danica Patrick's semen.

Allie Pohevitz 25-year-old bartender from Oceanside, NY.

Pros: She's easy on the eyes. Her claim to fame is being the editor of her school magazine.

Cons: She's a self professed clean freak and pretty girl, so I have a hard time seeing her shitting in the woods, or wherever it is that girls poop when they're on Survivor...Plus her only claim to fame other than being the editor of her school magazine is drinking on the job.

Allie Pohevitz

Michael Snow - A 44-year-old event planner from New York City.

Pros: Claims, "I don't like crazy."

Cons: He's 44-years-old and he lists his occupation as an "entertainer," which likely means he's going to bring all kinds of crazy to the game.

Micheal Snow had fallen on hard times since coming out with his Canadian cross-over single, "Informer."

Shamar Thomas - A 27-year old Marine veteran from Brooklyn.

Pros: Made quite a name for himself yelling at NYCPD officers in the guise of being an ex-Marine while supporting the "Occupy Wall Street" movement.

Cons: Fellow Marines are none too happy that Shamar donned his fatigues and rank badges in the process of doing so since he is now a civilian (apparently a BIG no-no in their code of honor). In fact, a Facebook page called "Marines against Sgt. Shamar Thomas" has emerged, which starts out by saying, "Alright gents, our favorite toolbag is back at it again."

Some brand him a hero, while others criticize new Survivor contestant Shamar Thomas for inappropriately using his military background to try to make a name for himself by yelling at some cops who were merely standing around as his cameras rolled for PR purposes. 

Reynold Toepfer - A 30-year-old real estate agent from San Francisco.

Pros: None.

Cons: Even the Ed Hardy asked Reynold not to wear their gear on Survivor because they thought he was a little too douchey.

Reynold, only 30-years-old, still sports a mullet even though it had nearly gone extinct in all regions except for northern Canada and West Virginia by 1995.*
* Excludes any tour stops by the band "Rush."

Bikal Tribe

Malcolm Freberg - 25-year-old bartender living in Hermosa Beach, CA.

Pros: One of the better physical and social competitors in recent Survivor history.

Cons: Parlayed an Ivy League education into working as a bartender. After visiting an impoverished Filipino village last season and talking about doing something more important in life than tending bar and hitting on girls, he's still tending bar and hitting on chicks.

Malcolm Freberg did parlay his gig on Survivor into a guest appearance on The Bold and the Beautiful...Where he played a bartender who hits on chicks.

Phillip Sheppard - A 54-year-old military veteran and former governmental special agent.

Pros: Like me, he parades around in brightly colored American Apparel "bikini briefs."

Cons: Lists his pet peeve as "People who act like they know everything," proving that he has no self awareness. If his whole "Secret Agent" persona isn't some shtick to brand an image for himself, this guy just might be bat-shit crazy.

Phillip Sheppard's job title with the government was Agent #5, where he was responsible for inspecting men's bikini brief underwear .

Francesca Hogi - A 38-year-old attorney from Brooklyn, NY.

Cons: Francesca was the first person voted out the last time she was on Survivor, which hardly makes her a "fan favorite."

Pros: Samhar Thomas looks as if he may be needing legal representation in Brooklyn relatively soon, so maybe Francesca can at least get some business out of this appearance...Which would be more than she got out of the show the first time she appeared.

I'm not sure who Francesca Hogi was, let alone who might have viewed her a Survivor "favorite."

Erik Reichenbach - A 27-year-old comic book artist from Hell, Michigan.

Cons: After voluntarily giving up the Immunity Idol to a group of girls who wanted to vote him out, Erik is probably the dumbest player to ever appear on Survivor.

Pros: Erik purportedly came on the show, "To show everyone that I am really not that dumb," which means that he has nowhere to go but up.

Some people thought Erik Reichenbach played a good game the first time around...Unfortunately, they're called "Tennessee Volunteer fans."

John Cochran - A 23-year-old Harvard law student.

Pros: One of the more entertaining and cerebral players to ever appear on Survivor.

Cons: Socially awkward...But he's still beautiful.

John Cochran made the successful transition from cartoons as Steve Smith of American Dad, to reality TV star on Survivor.

Dawn Meecham - A 42-year-old English professor from Utah.

Pros:  Dawn claims that she's a good bridge between people of different backgrounds.

Cons:  She's never had to deal with anybody who was not a Mormon aside from being on Survivor.

Dawn Meecham: Maybe she'll stand up for Cochran and us fellow red-heads this time.

Corinne Kaplan - A 33-year-old clinical consultant from Los Angeles.

Pros: According to Corinne, her father taught her how to "work hard."

Cons: She went on to add, "My mother taught me the other option is you can marry the guy who does all that. Both lessons are equally important to me."

Given that Corinne Kaplan is all but flashing her boobs in this picture, I'm thinking that her mom was the one who had the most influence over her.

Brenda Lowe - A 30-year-old paddle board company owner.

Pros: Describes herself as a water person.

Cons: I can't tell if Brenda's half black or half Asian, so she's either not going to be able to get her hair wet or she's really going to love the game of Survivor.

Brenda Lowe is a former Miami Dolphin cheerleader, turned Maxim model, turned Survivor contestant...And I like her socks.

Andrea Boehlke - A 23-year-old self described entertainment host and writer.

Pros: She's kind of outdoorsy, at least for someone who wants to make a career in television.

Cons: Writing a blog with post titles like "Shut up and Make Lasagna" doesn't make you any more of an entertainment writer than I am.

Like Brandon Hantz, Andrea Boehlke has famous relatives too...For instance, her cousin, Larry." 

Russel Hantz's Nephew - A 21-year-old from East Texas.

Pros: Claims he may do some "stupid stuff" like poop in camp or in the cooking pot this time around, which I guess is slightly less sociopathic than thinking about raping all of the pretty female contestants like he did the last time he played.

Cons: Russell's nephew apparently believes he was "almost the sole Survivor" the last time he played, showing that he's not just a habitual sex offender, but hat he's also a habitual liar as well.

However, pooping in Survivor's Easter basket may be just enough to finally get him back in the good graces of his coon-ass uncles, Russell and Willie Hantz.

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