Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Bachelor Blog - "She needs a Xanax and to be sent home"

This week was the start of a special two part "Bachelor Event," with enough footage for one episode wrapped up into two!

The week began "in Montana," where for some reason, statues began to crumble for me.

Sean began the trip by awarding the first 1-on-1 date to Lindsey, who was whisked away to Glacier National Park via the "Batch-Copter."

Sean ended up giving Lindsey a rose after telling her he liked her because she was "low maintenance."

Of course, this was the same girl who showed up at their initial meeting wearing a wedding dress, so let's not anoint her "Miss Drama Free" of The Bachelor 2013 quite yet.

The Group Date consisted of an outdoors competition that involved rowing, hay bails, sawing and milking Selma's fake breasts...I mean a goat.

After Desiree got done drinking goat milk to lead her team to victory, Sean decided to let the losing team accompany him on the evening date even though that wasn't part of the original plan.

Of course, that meant that the girls he really liked (Catherine and Lesley) were on the losing team. That caused Desiree to complain about how she had to milk Selma when it didn't really even matter.

Before embarking on a 2-on-1 loser leaves town date with Jackie, Tierra crashed the Group Date Cocktail Party and creepily snuck up behind Sean while he was doing a solo interview.

Tierra LiCausi then proceeded to hand rape his face before making out with him.

Meanwhile, adoptee AshLee confessed to Sean that she felt a "soul connection" with him that she "just couldn't put into words." Of course, the words she was searching for were, "I never really had a dad."

However, it was Daniella who received the Group Date Rose for crying while talking to Sean and being fat.

The 2-on-1 began with Tierra completely dominating Sean's time on a horse riding date, with Jackie getting left behind and not realizing that Tierra had engaged in ex parte salivavication with Sean before their date ever began.

Sean proclaimed, "I definitely like both of these girls," which was complete bullshit, as he wouldn't have sent them both on a date where one of them was guaranteed to go home if he actually liked both of them...Especially with Sarah and the last black girl still left.

Jackie went on to tell Sean how Tierra was fake and that she flirted with some guy at the airport on their way to Montana.

That broke the number one rule you need to follow if you want to stay on The Bachelor, which is to never waste your alone time bitching about one of the other girls, even if she is a total cunt...Let's just call this the "Kacie B/Courtney Robertson Rule."

Speaking of Kacie B. I'm already missing her. I kind of feel deprived when it comes to seeing how much weight she will gain heading into the "After The Final Rose" special. It's a lot like how you don't get to see how much weight the contestants on The Biggest Loser take off after they get sent home.

That caused Sean to pull Tierra aside, who for some reason confessed that her ex-boyfriend was in and out of rehab before he ultimately passed away. Not only did that explain the dent in her forehead (okay, it really didn't), but it did speak volumes about her lack of self esteem.

Ultimately Sean gave the 2-on-1 Date Rose to Tierra, sending Jackie home to work the cosmetic kiosk back at the local mall in Ormond Beach, FL, where she aggressively solicits old people trying to do their morning laps.

At the Rose Ceremony Tierra proclaimed, "I seriously want to punch everyone in the room...I wish I was a fighter...Because I would beat the shit out of every one these other bitches."

Did I mention that Tierra already had a rose and that Sean is looking for an ultra religious girl? I think I smell me a Chuck Woolery!

Tierra's antics caused Desiree to proclaim, "She needs a Xanax and to be sent home."

However, it was Desiree who was surprisingly on the chopping block, as the final Rose came down to Robyn and herself.

Fortunately for Desiree, Robyn was black, and that caused Sean to send her home.

And while ex-Houston Rocket cheerleader Robyn Howard got sent home, it did increase the the size of the class action lawsuit against ABC and The Bachelor for racial discrimination by one.

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