Monday, December 9, 2013

2013 ACA Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Listen to Country Music

I don't listen to country music, but that's not going to stop me from making my third annual predictions for the ACM's. No, make that the CMT's. Wait, that's not it either? Is it the CMA's? No, well how about the ACA's then?

Okay, I'm still going to try and predict the winners for whatever country music awards show that happens to be airing this week with the same nominees simply bouncing from network to network...Kind of like Lorrie Morgan used to to do with male country music singers back in the 80's and 90's. 

Hoping to find the right combination between sex appeal and racism, Fox's version of features Danica Patrick and Trace Adkins as hosts. 

Danica Patrick signing some random dude's tits...Who says the south isn't becoming more progressive?

You may remember Adkins from his appearance on Donald Trump's The Apprentice, or his non-apology for wearing a confederate flag ear plug...At a Christmas tree lighting ceremony

Then again, much like the South, Jesus kind of looked the other way when it came to slavery.

So put on your best vintage Confederate flag t-shirt, hop into your favorite pickup truck with a plastic nut sack dangling from the trailer hitch, and enjoy one of the five biggest nights that country music has to offer along with the largest collection of people who first went to Chick-fil-A thinking it was a strip club, but kept coming back because they fell in love with the chicken.

2013 ACA Winners? The Florida-Georgia Line: It's not racist if you just really liked the group Alabama, but it IS racist if you really, really like the state of Alabama.

Artist of the Year

Taylor Swift – I really don't think people are even all that entertained by her personal life anymore, but if they were (hypothetically speaking of course), isn't the next logical step for Taylor Swift to start dating Kanye West and then write a revenge song about it?

Jason Aldean – This guy was said to exhibit his "hip-hop influence" by rapping on his single Dirt Road Anthem, which was really just a dumbed down version of Gin and Juice for white people.

The Florida-Georgia Line – In a recent interview, this rap infused country duo said they considered Garth Brooks a "classic throwback" country artist, which pretty much sums up everything that's wrong with country music these days.

I'm not really sure what's going on here. If Atlanta, is the home of guys who get crunk and the dirty south, then The Florida-Georgia Line must be the home of guys who get drunk and dirty their shorts.

Blake Shelton – Talk about an artist, I don't think Blake Shelton is even recording music anymore, but he's been as entertaining and adorable as anyone on NBC's "The Voice" this side of Cee Lo Green on a "Molly" bender.

Luke Bryan – Sadly, his hit song Tailgates and Tanlines wasn't about spring break at Daytona Beach. It was about having butt sex with Danica Patrick.

And the winner is...It's gotta be Jason Aldean, right?

The John Deere hat and Sunset Strip t-shirt and goatee just scream "hip-hop" roots...if "hip-hop" roots means Panama City, Florida.

I mean the last time I got suckered into going to the redneck bar all they did was play a mix of country and hip-hop. I also almost got thrown out by the manager for trying to stand up for an African-American guy that night, but that's a whole other story.

In any event, like it or not, rap and country are slowly merging into a genre called "hick-hop." Because that's is the next logical step in music, right?

Male Artist of the Year

Jason Aldean – Alright, I can't quite get over a country singer rapping and proclaiming that he was influenced by hip-hop and acting like he has invented some sort of new "Hick-Hop" genre. On top of that, how the Hell do you get nominated for "Country Male Vocalist" when you're a wanna be white rapper from Macon, Georgia?

Not only was Dirt Road Anthem the worst attempt at rapping that I've ever heard in my life, but somewhere in rural Oklahoma the lead singer from the Smoking Armadillos is cursing his former agent and looking to kick Jason Aldean's ass.

The Smoking Armadillos - I'm a Cowboy

Luke Bryan – Born the youngest son to a poor peanut farmer in rural Georgia, Luke Bryan was able to overcome being on the ass end of the Georgia peanut baron hierarchy and become the most successful peanut refugee that state has ever seen since Billy Carter.

Blake Shelton – Blake Shelton will be performing his new song, She has a Face That I Want to Log-on. Oh wait, I just made that up. His real hit song is I'm Singin' a Blue Song, But Livin' in a Red State...Gotcha, I made that one up too! This is easy, I think I'm moving to Nashville!

Kenny Chesney – Riding the success of his new hit single S-E-C! S-E-C!, everybody seems to like this guy. With his cowboy hats, wife beaters and a questionable relationship with Peyton Manning, he’s the southern version of Brody Jenner.

Eric Church – If you're going to give someone a country music award, shouldn't you give it to someone to embraces old school "outlaw" country and advocates the legalization of marijuana like Eric Church or Jamie Johnson? Or as I like to ask, "What would Willie Do?"

What Would Willie Nelson Do? I think he'd go with Eric Church and Smoke a Little Smoke

And the winner is...Luke Bryan. Unfortunately for Eric Church, country music has gotten so bubble-gummy that even groups like The Florida-Georgia Line call Garth Brooks an example of "classic throwback country."

Female Artist of the Year

Miranda Lambert – Miranda Lambert's video for "The Fastest Girl in Town" was hugely popular in the South. Not only did it star NASCAR driver Danica Patrick, but the song was written about Lambert's biggest rival, Taylor Swift.

Danica Patrick in ASSCAR: The Ballad of Ricky Stenhouse's Boobies.

Sheryl Crow – Talk about sell-outs, first it was Hootie, now it's Cheryl Crow...Honestly, Mindy McCready has a better chance of making a career comeback than Cheryl Crow, and she's dead.

Mindy McCready's life was such a waste...Her dog didn't even get to eat her corpse.

Taylor Swift - Alright, if Kanye West really is happily engaged to the "Ass-tastrophy" that has become Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift needs to get it over with and re-make George Strait's "All My Exes Live in Texas," if not just for shits and giggles.

Carrie Underwood – I bet if I told you that a female celebrity dated Tony Romo, a Gossip Girl (sadly, it was one of the Gossip Guys), and a pro hockey player, you would have probably guessed that it was Alyssa Milano. In actuality, it was Carrie Underwood.

Not only is Underwood one of the South's hottest country stars, but she just got done delivering a live TV performance of The Sound of Music, which nearly every critic agreed was simply fantastic and better than the original.

Carrie Underwood as Maria in The Sound of Music? Talk about pissing on Julie Andrew's grave.

Kelly Clarkson – Kelly Clarkson at a country music awards show is kind of like nominating Jason Aldean for a BET award for best rapper...Except for the part where Kelly Clarkson actually gets invited to the country music awards show.

And the winner is...Carrie Underwood! After all, she is the Janet Jones of the south now that she's forced star hockey player Mike Fisher to get traded from Ottawa to Nashville, much to the chagrin of all of Canada. Seriously...Canada should be talking about this more!

Vocal Group or Duo of the Year

Zac Brown Band – The CMA's are reaching. Just because the Zac Brown Band is from the South, it doesn't mean these guys are country. I mean, they even played Bonnaroo for Christ's sake.

The Band Perry – I may or may not have watched these guys play at a local dive bar the other night for a $2 cover charge...

Little Big Town – The love child of Jason Aldean's singles Hicktown and the group Big Green Tractor, I think these guys might have opened up for The Band Perry the other night.

Lady Antebellum – A group named after the pre-Civil War South, or as they say in the South, the good ol' days. Somewhere the ghost of Alexander Stephens is humming bars to Dixie in approval of Lady Antebellum as he plots ways to haunt Jason Aldean from his grave.

Rascal Flatts - Still riding a wave of success after being the 8th group to remake Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway...Way to make it your own Rascal!

And the winner is.....The Lady Perry Band.

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