Wednesday, November 6, 2013

2013 CMA Predictions From A Guy Who Doesn't Listen To Country Music

I don't listen to country music, but that's not going to stop me from making my third annual predictions for the ACM's. No, make that the CMT's. Wait, that's not it either? 

Okay, well I'm going to try and predict the winners for whatever country music awards show that happens to be airing this week.

Ironically, a special "Pinnacle Award" is being handed out to Taylor Swift for bringing country music to a more mainstream global audience, when she actually just took mainstream music and brought it to CMT along with shows like Redneck Island.

Throw in a special tribute to Kenny Rogers (who was able to retire from the music industry when he discovered that the fat drippings from his rotisserie chicken were a cheaper replacement for Botox), and we should be in for a pretty good night.

So put on your best vintage Confederate flag t-shirt, hop into your favorite pickup truck with a plastic nut sack dangling from the trailer hitch, and enjoy one of the five biggest nights that country music has to offer along with the largest collection of people who think that the Florida Panhandle should become it's own state!

The Florida Georgia Line: It's not racist if you just really liked the group Alabama. It is racist if you really, really like the state of Alabama.

Entertainer of the Year

Taylor Swift – I really don't think people are even all that entertained by her personal life anymore, but if they were (hypothetically speaking of course), isn't the next logical step for Taylor Swift to start dating Kanye West and then write a revenge song about it?

Jason Aldean – This guy was said to exhibit his "hip-hop influence" by rapping on his single Dirt Road Anthem, which was really just a dumbed down version of Gin and Juice for white people.

George Strait – I'm glad to see that George Strait has listened to the people and released the long awaited sequel to his movie Pure Country. Do I smell a Golden Globe in addition to an ACM (I mean a CMA) in his future?

Then again, after watching the original Pure Country, doesn't George Strait pretty much just stand around and sing? If so, how the fuck does that qualify you to be "Entertainer of the Year?"

Blake Shelton – Talk about an entertainer, I don't think Blake Shelton is even recording music anymore, but he's been as entertaining and adorable as anyone on NBC's "The Voice" this side of Cee Lo Green on a "Molly" bender.

Luke Bryan – Sadly, his hit song Tailgates and Tanlines wasn't about spring break at Daytona Beach. It was about having butt sex with an ex-girlfriend.

And the winner is...It's gotta be Jason Aldean, right?

The John Deere hat and Sunset Strip t-shirt and goatee just scream "hip-hop" roots...if "hip-hop" roots means Panama City, Florida.

I mean the last time I got suckered into going to the redneck bar all they did was play a mix of country and hip-hop. I also almost got thrown out by the manager for trying to stand up for an African-American guy that night, but that's a whole other story.

In any event, like it or not, rap and country are slowly merging into a genre called "hick-hop." Because that's is the next logical step in music, right?

Top Male Vocalist of the Year

Jason Aldean – Alright, I can't quite get over a country singer rapping and proclaiming that he was influenced by hip-hop and acting like he has invented some sort of new "Hick-Hop" genre. On top of that, how the Hell do you get nominated for "Country Male Vocalist" when you're a wanna be white rapper from Macon, Georgia?

Not only was Dirt Road Anthem the worst attempt at rapping that I've ever heard in my life, but somewhere in rural Oklahoma the lead singer from the Smoking Armadillos is cursing his former agent and looking to kick Jason Aldean's ass.

The Smoking Armadillos - I'm a Cowboy

Luke Bryan – Born the youngest son to a poor peanut farmer in rural Georgia, Luke Bryan was able to overcome being on the ass end of the Georgia peanut baron hierarchy and become the most successful peanut refugee that state has ever seen since Billy Carter.

Blake Shelton – Blake Shelton will be performing his new song, She has a Face That I Want to Log-on. Oh wait, I just made that up, but I think I could turn that into a hit country music single the next time I hit the Music City.

Keith Urban – When Nicole Kidman finally gets enough self esteem to leave the Church of Scientology and break up with Keith Urban, it will inspire him to write a new hit song, I'm Singin' a Blue Song, But Livin' in a Red State...I made that up too. This is easy, I'm moving to Nashville!

Eric Church – If you're going to give someone a country music award, shouldn't you give it to someone to embraces old school "outlaw" country and advocates the legalization of marijuana like Eric Church or Jamie Johnson? Or as I like to ask, "What would Willie Do?"

What Would Willie Nelson Do? I think he'd go with Eric Church and Smoke a Little Smoke

And the winner is...Luke Bryan. Unfortunately for Eric Church, country music has gotten so bubble-gummy that even groups like The Florida-Georgia Line call Garth Brooks an example of "classic throwback country."

Top Female Vocalist of the Year

Miranda Lambert – Miranda Lambert's video for "The Fastest Girl in Town" was hugely popular in the South. Not only did it star NASCAR driver Danica Patrick, but the song was written about Lambert's biggest rival, Taylor Swift.

Kacey Musgraves – With the single Merry Go Round from her debut album, "Same Trailer, Different Park," it looks like country music has a new queen of cliches, replacing the artist formerly known as Gretchen Wilson!

Same hurt in every heart.
Same trailer, different park.

Mama's hooked on Mary Kay.
Brother's hooked on Mary Jane.
Daddy's hooked on Mary two doors down.
Mary, Mary quite contrary.
We get bored, so, we get married
Just like dust, we settle in this town.
On this broken merry go 'round and 'round and 'round we go
Where it stops nobody knows and it ain't slowin' down.
This merry go 'round.

Taylor Swift - Alright, if Kanye West really is happily engaged to the "Ass-tastrophy" that has become Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift needs to get it over with and re-make George Straight's "All My Exes Live in Texas," if not just for shits and giggles.

Carrie Underwood – I bet if I told you that a female celebrity dated Tony Romo, a Gossip Girl (sadly, it was one of the Gossip Guys), and a pro hockey player, you would have probably guessed that it was Alyssa Milano, but in actuality, it was Carrie Underwood.

Not only is Underwood hosting this year's CMA's for something like the 37th consecutive time, but she's turning around and delivering a live TV performance of The Sound of Music next month, which is sure to please the critics.

Carrie Underwood as Maria in The Sound of Music? Talk about pissing on Julie Andrew's grave.

Kelly Clarkson – Kelly Clarkson at a country music awards show is kind of like nominating Jason Aldean for a BET award for best rapper...Except for the part where Kelly Clarkson actually gets invited to the country music awards show.

And the winner is...Carrie Underwood! After all, she is the Janet Jones of the south now that she's forced star hockey player Mike Fisher to get traded from Ottawa to Nashville, much to the chagrin of all of Canada. Seriously...We should be talking about this more. 

Top Vocal Group of the Year

Little Big Town – The love child of Jason Aldean's singles Hicktown and the group Big Green Tractor.

Zac Brown Band – The CMA's are reaching. Just because the Zac Brown Band is from the South, it doesn't mean these guys are country. After all, they played Bonnaroo for Christ's sake.

The Band Perry – I may or may not have watched these guys play at a local dive bar the other night for a $2 cover charge...

Eli Young Band – And I think these guys opened up for The Band Perry.

Lady Antebellum – A group named after the pre-Civil War South, or as they say in the South, the good ol' days. Somewhere the ghost of Alexander Stephens is humming bars to Dixie in approval of Lady Antebellum as he plots ways to haunt Jason Aldean from his grave.

And the winner is.....The Lady Brown Band.

Top Vocal Duo of the Year

Thompson Square – Keifer and Shawna Thompson went with the name Thompson Square (Thompson x 2?) after "The Thompson Twins" threatened legal action.

The Florida-Georgia Line – In a recent interview, this rap infused country duo said they considered Garth Brooks a "classic throwback" country artist, which pretty much sums up everything that's wrong with country music these days.

I'm not really sure what's going on here. If Atlanta, is the home of guys who get crunk and the dirty south, then The Florida-Georgia Line must be the home of guys who get drunk and dirty their shorts.

Sugarland – So a country band from the south re-made the song Life in a Northern Town? I think my northern ass doth protest.

Better yet, Mindy McCready has a better chance of making a career comeback than Sugarland after Sugarland had the audacity to blame their fans when 7 people died and 58 were injured when their stage collapsed during a tornado at the Indiana State fair in 2011.

The Civil Wars – This male/female duo are both married...but not to each other. And while they have not officially split up, they're apparently no longer on speaking terms. My guess is that there was some sort of forbidden North-South hook-up at some point during this Civil War.

Love and Theft- Things are really looking up for this "Mindy McCready" tribute band.

Mindy McCready's life was such a waste...Her dog didn't even get to eat her corpse.

Big and Rich РA shoe in to win. They have the perfect combination of clich̩ song titles, cowboy hats, goatees, and white dudes trying to rap.

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