Saturday, December 21, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "Can I kneel like I'm being knighted?"



Realizing that the fate of his game rested in Monica's hands as the swing vote yet again this week, Tyson offered her his Immunity Idol to reward her for being a good dog and not voting against him last week.

The final Redemption Challenge of the season required the contestants to balance a vase on the opposite end of a teeter totter with just one foot.

And just moments after he said that he was excited to be competing against two grandmas in Tina and Laura M., Hayden wiped brow and somehow lost control of his vase.

Meanwhile, Laura M. asked Tina to let her win...You know, because Tina had clearly spent the past 30 days emaciating herself simply give her chance to remain in the game to someone she barely knew.

Seriously, Tina didn't even let her own daughter win a Redemption Challenge, so why would she let Laura M. win when we all know that she'd just blow any winnings on another set of fake boobs.

And with Tina telling Laura M., "No way sister...This is a million dollar challenge," Tina went on to win, sending Laura M. out of the game and to the Jury.

It was only after her mom was eliminated that Ciera finally showed her some love.

"I'm so proud of you...You've shown me out here how to be a better friend, how to a better woman, and how to be a better mom more than anything, and I love you so much."

And while that sentiment was nice, Ciera Eastin forgot about that whole "needs to work on being a better daughter" thing.

However, since Laura M. was not used to expecting much from her promiscuous daughter, she bought in completely saying, "How can you walk away saying you lost after that?"

 Somehow I'm thinking that Laura Moffit will change that opinion after she watches her own daughter throw her under the bus...But at least she got to show her nipples on national TV.

Having earned the right to return to the game, Tina kept the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol not realizing that Tyson had already found it.

The Immunity Challenge required the contestants to hold onto a on rope to balance a leveling table while retrieving and stacking ten blocks without any of them falling.

And when Tyson won, guarantying himself a spot in final four he arrogantly asked Jeff Probst, "Can I kneel like I'm being knighted?" as he was receiving the Immunity Necklace.

Better yet, Tyson Apostol declared that he wanted to keep his Hidden Immunity Idol as a souvenir for his "girlfriend," Rachel...Why do I think that while Tyson may go down to his knees many times in his life, none of them will be for a girl.

Even though Monica held the swing vote, Gervase disagreed with her on who to target at Tribal Council.

And instead of kissing her ass like Tyson did, Gervase got angry.

"I've had enough crap that she's spewing to me right now, because it makes no sense. I'm like puffing my chest up right now turning into a bully, leaning into her like, 'woman are you crazy?'"

And it was only then that it seemed like Monica was finally coming to her senses.

"I've been bullied, and bullied, and bullied this entire game by everyone. It hurts, I'm over it, I'm done...It's my time, and you all need me, and you know what, if you're in an alliance with someone you better be nice, because in the end you really might need 'em."

Sure enough, obsessed with making it her own call and shedding the label of Tyson's lap dog, Monica went to Tina and Ciera about the possibility of going after Gervase. 

At Tribal Council, Monica was still torn saying, "You just feel like you want to die inside...And tonight is MY strategic move...for Monica, and not anybody else."

And with that declaration Gervase said, "My heart just dropped out my chest."

Because Monica didn't seem to be able to hold her cards quietly, Tyson gave his Hidden Immunity Idol to Gervase.

However, Monica actually ended up going with Tyson and Gervase and voted Ciera out, and was pissed that Tyson gave up his Idol to Gervase without cluing her in first.

The final Immunity Challenge required the competitors to go through obstacle course, collect puzzle bags, go down water slide, solve puzzle, and then undo a puzzle lock.

Stepping up his game, Tyson won Immunity again, guarantying himself a spot in final Tribal Council.

While Monica had a chance to make a big move and eliminate Gervase to shed the perception that she was just Tyson's lap dog and go along with her numerous competition victories, she once again decided to stay with the status quo and voted out Tina.

Sadly, Monica just seemed content to make it to the final three...and to talk about herself in the third person.

"It's just amazing, the final three, and Monica did it without Brad, and without her safety net, and without anybody else...And the mom found herself, and became Monica again."

And with that we flash back twenty-five years...Where Monica Culpepper was attached to her husband Brad's side like a lap dog.

At the Final Tribal Council, Gervase delivered a confusing speech where he claimed that he went from being an old school player to a new school player, which did little to explain why people shouldn't view him as a terrible player.

Monica did her best to explain how she was not Tyson and Gervase's dog on a leash, saying that she elected to stay with them "because I have less blood on my hands, and less broken promises,"thereby making it seem like she simply road their coattails.

Meanwhile, Tyson claimed that he was target "numero uno from the get go," which forced him to make strategic moves and win challenges when he had to.

The three remaining finalists then took questions from the Jury.

Katie confronted Tyson about his comment where he said that he didn't do anything in the game out of malice, pointing out how he faked consoling her and then maliciously told her to head to the Jury after she lost out by drawing the odd rock.

Caleb asked Monica to tell him something from her heart that was not calculated. In response, she cried and told him how she had always been ashamed of just being Brad Culpepper's fuck toy.

Tyson told Ciera how he considered himself a hero, not a villain, clearly changing America's perception of him in the process.

Tina asked each finalist for one word to describe themselves. Gervase went with "honorable," Monica said "generous," and Tyson called himself, "fun loving"...Only Monica answered that question correctly.

Laura M. asked Monica a tough question about showing her true self, which actually probably did Monica more good than anything else.

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And while Monica put up a good fight, Tyson ended up winning, and as much as I hate to admit it because he's a fucking douche, deservedly so.

At the Reunion Show, even Jeff Probst seemed surprised that Tyson won saying, "Not that I don't like the other Tyson..I like seeing this guy that can clearly form a sentence, can stay on track, and has a beautiful girlfriend."

That caused Tyson to concur, "Yeah, I hate that guy," referring to himself and concurring with all of America.

Jeff Probst did commend Ciera for playing her own game and not being content to ride somebody else's coattails...Like Monica. "For those watching at home, that is how you play, you don't play for four!"

Rupert claimed that he had no regrets about sacrificing his own game for his wife's. "I love the game, but my wife comes first."

Fortunately for his wife Laura, Rupert was cool with her having revealed that she had a penis. "And she did good!"

Hayden revealed that he and Kat were still together, even though she got a Kate Gosselin haircut.

Of course, it probably helped that Kat Edorsson revealed that she got fake boobs after the show.

Sadly, we also learned that Tina's son died in a car accident shortly after she returned home because he wasn't wearing seat belt.

Finally, it was announced that the next season of Survivor would be Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty, which sounds a lot like there's going to be returning players.

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