Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "Fuck you, you voted out my brother"

While Vytas was surprisingly cool after his brother Aras got voted out last week, Tina was not, and she lashed out at Tyson.

"Bravo to you, that was a good move. Monica and Tyson, you won the battle, but you didn't win the war because you've got five Jury votes that you'll never get for flipping."

However, Tina backed off after the rest of the contestants revealed that they all had final three deals with Aras, who was apparently playing everybody except for his brother Vytas, who definitely wanted to play him.

Confused? Me too!

Blindsiding a former winner (instead of getting blindsided as he had been the first two times he played Survivor) seemed to not only rejuvenate Tyson, but also to restore his faith in Joseph Smith, Jr.

"Survivor has broken my heart twice, and I think tonight I fell back in love...I'm like Tina, if everyone played the game the way that you do, I would win 100% of the time."

The first Immunity Challenge was a classic Survivor eating competition, where the contestants raced to finish local "delicacies."

When the first dish of forty live worms was revealed, Tyson tried to psych out his competition by saying, "They're just like gummy worms, only grosser."

However, karma turned out to be a bitch in the next round when a plate of pig intestines caused Tyson to puke.

With Gervase and Monica facing off in the final round for Immunity, Jeff revealed that the final item would be two large grubs, which was the very same item that caused Gervase to lose the eating contest in season one of Survivor. 

Sure enough, Gervase freaked the fuck out as he exclaimed, "I can't do that! You know I can't do this!"

And while Gervase was able to choke both of his live grubs down, he still lost out to Monica.

Monica seemed to boast about her lack of a gag reflex while saying, "Gervase, I love you, and I'm sorry, but this has been a dream of mine for a long time!"

Monica Culpepper won because live grubs and raw pig intestines are not nearly as disgusting as what her husband Brad Culpepper makes her swallow all the time.

At Tribal Council, Vytas called Monica out for flipping on her alliance with Aras and himself. He then told the girls to align against Tyson and Gervase in the event that he got voted out.

He also revealed that he was biting his tongue when Tina called Tyson and Monica out earlier in the episode.

Apparently realizing that he was their next target, Vytas let them have it saying, "Fuck you, you voted out my brother." 

Vytas went on to call out Monica some more for being so easy to manipulate.

"Monica, who's already so paranoid out here, she fell for it right away. You know, you just tell her she's a doormat, and she's like, 'Okay, I don't want to be a doormat, I'm with you...This Monica the benevolent thing, is like a little bit over.'"

That caused Monica to cast her vote against Vytas while saying, "What up Brad," implying that it was a bit of a revenge vote.

And while that sent Vytas to Redemption Island, Monica was supposed to vote for Katie along with the other girls, while the guys were going to vote for Vytas.

If there's anything that Monica Culpepper should have learned when she was with Galang or during the 2008 Presidential campaign, it's that people love it when you "go rogue."

At Redemption Island Vytas blamed Aras for getting voted out, which was a bit of a dick move considering that he would have never been on the show had Aras not brought him along as his loved one even though he was a recovering heroin addict.

Vytas and Aras then had a very matter of fact conversation that was reminiscent of the talk that Jacob and The Smoke Monster on the show Lost...with Vytas clearly playing the role of The Smoke Monster.
Vytas:     "You're not even going to beat me out of Redemption, I'm the one who's going to get out."
Aras:      "That would be great. If you get out of Redemption, I'd be just as happy as if I got out of Redemption.
Vytas:     "I can't say the same thing for you. I'm sorry."

While we were promised a double elimination episode in last week's promos, it looked more like the producers simply cut two weeks worth of boring footage and Tribal Councils into one episode.

In any event, the week's second Immunity Challenge required the contestants to stack coins on sword handle one at a time and balance them without dropping any.

Monica was the first to bow out, while Tina gave her daughter an "Atta-boy, Katie" when she won Individual Immunity, perhaps realizing for the first time that her daughter was a lesbian.

However, Katie winning Immunity left Tina knowing that she was likely the next target to get voted out, so she began frantically searching for the Immunity Idol.

Unfortunately, Tina didn't count on Tyson and Gervase putting together a posse to follow her around the jungle to bully her from finding the Immunity Idol.

Gervase Peterson: I'm kind of getting sick of Hootie.

And while Tyson already had the Immunity Idol, he put that farce in action because he didn't want anyone to know he had it.

"We don't have to follow Tina around, like I could go to everybody and go, 'I like have the Immunity Idol, we can all take naps,' but then I'd become a target, so today we have to babysit Tina all the time."

That seemed to psych Tina out, who just stood around instead of looking for the Idol regardless of who was watching her do it...Which in hindsight sounds kind of kinky.

That caused Tina to say, "I'm definitely in a Mexican standoff, and I've gotta find the hidden Immunity Idol...If I start searching for it, then they're going to know that I don't have it."

At Tribal Council, Tina did her best to change up the plan to vote her out by telling Monica that she was on the ass end of Tyson and Gervase's alliance, noting how she was always the last one told who to vote for because she talked too much. 

Worse yet, Gervase openly agreed with that assertion...But that didn't phase our hero Monica, who didn't let a startling wake-up call like that stop her from voting with the masses.

After the votes were cast, Tina played dumb about having the Idol, acting like she was digging in her purse for it when Jeff asked if anyone had the Idol and wanted to play it.

Of course, that raised the question, 'Why the fuck did Tina have a purse at Tribal Council?'

However, Tina's fate was ultimately sealed when she went on to reveal, "Jeff...I wish I found it, but I didn't."

That sent Tina to join Aras and Vytas on Redemption Island, where she could try her best to persuade two gay brothers to marry her lesbian daughter.

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