Monday, February 2, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "Isn't my story amazing?"

This week began with Chris and girls packing up and moving on from Los Angeles to luxurious Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Megan seemed the happiest to be going, although she was either misinformed about where they were going, or she missed all of high school.

"I've never been to Sante Fe...It's like a beach resort place...You know the hats, the sombreros that everyone wears in Mexico? I don't know if they wear those in New Mexico...I'm so excited, I've never been out of the country.

Personally, I'm going with Megan Bell having missed all of high school, or at least having celebrated her 21st birthday at a Mexican restaurant. 

The first 1-on-1 Date was awarded to Carly in the form of a card that read, "Carly, let's cum together - Chris." 

Chris actually took Carly to meet with a love guru, which was basically a very thinly veiled invitation for her to have a threesome...Or at the very least, to allow a random hippie who was way too into the two of them watch them get intimate.

Sure enough, the guru prompted Carly to Chris to put on blindfolds and start breathing heavily while taking off each other's clothing under the guise of "removing masks" as she touched herself while watching.

At first Carly seemed like she was going to be into it telling Chris, "I haven't physically shed my clothes for anyone in a long time, so keep that in mind."

However, Carly seemed to remember that she had the option to say "no" in the nick of time, as Carly backed off and said, "This is the worst date of my life...I'm really, really uncomfortable."

And even though she refused to touch Chris' junk, Carly still got a rose for telling him that her prior boyfriend refused to touch her intimately, apparently giving them something in common to bond over.

The Group Date consisted of a white water rafting trip down the beaches of Cancun, or at least that's what everyone told Megan.

Amazingly, Jordan, the drunk girl who got eliminated after week two "magically" found Chris and the girls as they returned back to the hotel lobby.

Sure enough, Chris decided to give her a second chance, and explained his decision to the other girls by walking her out while holding her hand...Which obviously went over well with everyone.

However, despite creating the whole mess by letting Jordan stick around, Chris still came across as the good guy when he sent her home before the the Rose Ceremony, much to the delight of the other girls.

The Final 1-on-1 Date went to Britt, who apparently had developed quite a reputation around the other girls for having yet to shower over the two weeks that she'd been on the show.

But when Britt was handed a date card that read, "The Sky's the limit," it caused her to have a meltdown on the spot because she was afraid of heights.

However, Britt seemed relieved when Chris awoke her at 4:30 in the she was in full make-up, to take her on a hot air balloon ride.

Sure enough, Chris took Britt Nilsson back to his room to conclude the date, where she apparently passed the smell test.

Not long after Britt left, Kelsey snuck up to Chris' room to tell him that her husband had died on her in the past year, and then followed that up by making out with him.

Kelsey, who once seemed like the only sweet girl in the house, gloated to the camera by asking, "Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's A-mazing. I love my story," before declaring, "Hell yes I'm getting a rose tonight! Stay tuned, Monday nights at 8, the love story unveiled!"

And at that that point it became obvious to America that Kelsey Poe was only a widow because she killed her ex husband. 

However, when Chris came to the Cocktail Party, he announced that his conversation with Kelsey had hit him hard, and he asked to step out, which seemed to leave Kelsey both overly confident and nervous at the same time.

And when Chris Harrison came back and announced that they would be going straight to the Rose Ceremony, Kelsey ran off to have a panic attack in the hallway, or at least permissibly pee herself under the guise of having a seizure.

Worst of all, after committing two hours of our time into this bullshit, the episode left off....

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