Thursday, February 26, 2015

Blogging SURVIVOR: Worlds Apart - Meet the Cast

Survivor - Worlds Apart is upon us, which means that we are looking at the most diverse cross section of attorneys, law enforcement officers, and beauty queens/models that California, New York and Florida have to offer.

Twists this season include tribes being divided between "white collar," "blue collar," and "no collar" players. Jeff Probst is also promising another "new advantage in the game," but I guess we won't know that is until the show actually airs.

Perhaps the best news of all was is there's no returning players this season, which must mean that Russell Hantz and the rest of his family are either in jail or still recovering from the start of the NASCAR season.

Actually, I'm pretty relieved that CBS did not cast another member of the Hantz klan (and when I use the term klan, I mean it literally), because we're about one or two more of them away from having enough of those little inbred rednecks to form their own damn tribe called "Oompa Loompa."

Fortunately, we're safe from having to experience that reality show...At least for now.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.


Carolyn Rivera - A 52-year-old corporate executive from Tampa Bay.

Carolyn Rivera: There's a certain age where you just need to stop wearing a spray tan.

Pros: She's in relatively good shape, at least for her age.

Cons: She's old, she's a type-A personality, and she's originally from Queens...She won't last long.

Joaquin Souberbielle - A 27-year-old marketing director from New York.

Joaquin Souberbielle: There's no sex in the champagne room...Or the tribe's shelter.

Pros: Joaquin announced in his bio that he's "Taking his talents to Survivor," which obviously worked out well for LeBron James.

Cons: He's a white guy with an Asian tattoo on his side, which is the barbed wire/Native American armband of the new millennium.

Max Dawson - A 37-year-old media consultant from California.

Max Dawson - The "Ph.D. stands for Douchebag of Philosophy.

Pros: He once taught a class on Survivor at Northwestern University, so he obviously knows the game.

Cons: He insists on putting the title "Ph.D. after his name, which pretty much tells you all you need to know about him.

Shirin Oskooi - A 31-year-old Yahoo! executive from San Francisco

Shirin Oskooi: This is what happens when society enacts "anti-bullying" laws. 

Pros: Her claim to fame is helping make the Yahoo! Calendar the No. 1 online calendar.

Cons: This is Survivor, not a make believe world like it is working at Yahoo! or Google.

So Kim - A 31-year-old retail buyer from Long Beach, CA.

So Kim recently divorced her husband and went on Survivor.

Pros: So just got divorced last year, so she's clearly has something to prove to her ex by going on the show.

Cons: So is the most likely candidate to screw up her game by hooking up on the show.

Tyler Fredrickson - A 33-year-old ex-talent agent assistant from Los Angeles.

Tyler Fredrickson: Everyone knows that Bill Parcells just loved kickers!

Pros: Tyler once kicked the game winning field goal for Cal against then No. 3 USC on national TV.

Cons: He's tried out seven different professional football teams, but never made it in the NFL.


Dan Foley - A 47-year-old postal worker from Maine.

Dan "Danimal" Foley: If you wear jean shorts, I get the feeling that you might be a little bit overwhelmed by this whole "Survivor" thing.

Pros: He claims to be good with people because he's a landlord.

Cons: Almost everyone hates their landlord.

Kelly Remington - A 44-year-old state trooper from New York.

Much like those worthless instructions on shampoo bottles, Kelly Remington can forget the repeat part.

Pros: Kelly bragged about getting to use pepper spray, handcuffs, a night stick and a taser on people in her bio.

Cons: Survivor isn't Ferguson, Missouri.

Lindsey Cascaddan - A 24-year-old hairdresser from Florida.

Lindsey Cascaddan: I hate hairdressers, and I hate fitness girls, but something about this girl still intrigues me. 

Pros: Lindsey previously won a fitness competition.

Cons: Lindsey is a hairdresser, which really means that she's just a cool name away from being a stripper.

Mike Holloway - A 38-year old oil-driller from Texas.

Mike Holloway: 

Pros: Overcame being molested, bullied and not having a father as a child.

Cons: He doesn't realize that he's gay yet.

Rodney Lavoie, Jr. - A 24-year-old general contractor from Boston.

Rodney Lavoie, Jr. has the size and strength to be in a boy band. 

Pros: Claims that he was the captain of the all-Boston football and basketball teams back in high school. 

Cons: Every white guy from Boston brags about how athletic he is until ultimately being exposed as a fraud.

Sierra Dawn Thomas - A 27-year-old barrel racer from Utah.

Sierra Dawn Thomas: Apparently barrel riding is more exciting that I thought it was!

Pros: If there are any horses in the challenges, Sierra's going to own this season.

Cons: At 27-years old and still in college, Sierra must have failed her Mormon mission.


Hali Ford - A 25-year-old law student from San Francisco.

Hali Ford  is "law school" hot. 

Pros: Hali likes motorcycles and whatever comes her way, kind of like Steppenwolf.

Cons: I'm not quite sure how being a law student translates to being a "no-collar."

Jenn Brown - A 22-year-old sailing instructor from Long Beach, CA. 

Jenn Brown: Apparently being born rich makes you a "no collar." 

Pros: Jenn is a self proclaimed Survivor historian who sailed around the world on a whim.

Cons: You don't just sail around the world "on a whim" without a whole bunch of daddy's money.

Joe Anglim - A 25-year-old jewelry designer from Scottsdale, AZ

Joe Anglim is from Scottsdale, the douchebag capital of the west coast. 

Pros: Joe claims that he won a high school state championship in basketball, then went on to become a college indoor volleyball player.

Cons: Wallyball is not a real sport, unless you're a girl.

Nina Poersch - A 51-year-old hearing advocate from California. 

Nina Poersch: Being deaf doesn't explain why she ended up with this guy.

Pros: She overcame being deaf

Cons: She won't be able to hear if people are plotting against her.

Vince Sly - A 32-year-old coconut vendor from California.

No matter how much you loved your girlfriend, if you found out that she dated someone like Vince Sly you'd have to immediately break up with her because it shows an inherently fatal character flaw.

Pros: He's managed to travel to 32 different countries, which is surprising considering I doubt he can afford a passport.

Cons: If you're 32 and you're slinging coconuts for a living, you might might have a heroin problem. He also acknowledges and seems to take pride in the fact that he looks like Fabio.

Will Sims II - A 41-year-old YouTube sensation from California. 

Will Sims II became a YouTube sensation for being one of five black people to ever attend a pro hockey game. 

Pros: If Will likes hockey, maybe he can swim.

Cons: This guy is clearly going on the show to try and promote himself. 

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