Monday, February 9, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "There's something in the air, bitches be crazy."

This week we picked up with Kelsey's panic attack already in progress.

And before I go on, I do need to apologize for insinuating in last week's post that Kelsey Poe might have killed her ex-husband Sanderson Poe...because it's pretty clear now that he killed himself just to get away from her.

The other girls were not amused with Kelsey or her panic attack, as they all thought, or in this case, realized, that she was just faking an illness because she knew she was in jeopardy of being sent home

Kaitlyn probably said it best when she quipped, "There is something in the air, bitches be crazy."

Fortunately, Kelsey recovered enough to mumble through her oxygen mask, "He's going to give me a rose tonight, for sure!"

And by the time Kelsey made light of the fact that Chris cancelled the Cocktail Party on her behalf by saying, "Is it just me, or do I feel like I got dressed up for nothing? These puppies don't come out every day," all bets were off.

Or as Kaitlyn asked, "Why is Kelsey still here...I wanted to punch her right in the teeth-holder," and Carly said, "Kelsey is a black widow."

In the end, Mackenzie and Samantha were sent home, but this time it was at the beginning of an episode.

Downgrading from New Mexico due to budget constraints, Chris moved the girls to the Deadwood Ranch in South Dakota.

That caused Carly to say, "I'm here at the Deadwood Mountain Ranch, and I'm with eight wonderful charming women...and Kelsey will be here also."

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Becca via a date card that read, "Let's give love a shot."

And while it's nearly impossible to have a truly glamorous Bachelor style date in South Dakota, Becca, maybe the most down to earth girl in the house, seemed perfectly happy just bonding with Chris over a camp fire.

That lead to Becca getting a Rose, as well as her first kiss from Chris.

However, being one of the two "virgins" on the show, Becca was worried that her father would see it on TV...The kiss that is, not the rose. or whatever it is Ashley I. does with guys.

If Ashley Iaconatti is what All-American virgin girls look like, I think I'll stick with the sluts. 

The Group Date had the girls write a country song for Chris, but with the help of country music stars Big and Rich.

 In honor of being on The Bachelor, Big and Rich left their black guy at home. 

Jade seemed to struggle with writing a song for Chris saying, "It's hard for me to do something I'm not really good at."

I'm getting mixed signals from Jade Elizabeth, Jade Roper, or whatever the fuck her name really is...While she seems like the sweetest girl on the show, she also seems to have done more than just a one time thing with Playboy when it comes to posing naked. 

In the end, Jade was ultimately inspired by having to watch Chris make out with Britt, and won some extra time with him for writing the best song.

However, it was Chris and Britt who snuck off to the Big and Rich concert, where Chris ended up giving Britt the much coveted Group Date Rose on stage as Big and Rich serenaded them to with, "Save a horse, ride a farm boy."

While most of the girls were pissed off that the Group Date just turned out to be a 1-on-1 Date for Chris and Britt in front of the other girls, Whitney was just butt hurt that Britt got to see Big and Rich even though she wasn't a country music fan.

On to the main event, which was billed as a much anticipated a 2-on-1 Date between the "Slutty Virgin," Ashley I., and "The Black Widow," Kelsey.

And you knew the date was big when the Producers brought in the Batch-Copter to take the girls Mount Rushmore, where it was just Chris, Kelsey, and Ashley I.

Chris started off strong by taking Ashley I. off to the side and making out with her.

However, Ashley I. made the worst mistake a Bachelor contestant can make, and that's bringing up your competition, as Ashley I. told Chris that she and the other girls thought Kelsey was fake just when things seemed to be going great between the two of them.

And just as Ashley I. threw Kelsey under the bus, Chris threw Ashley I. under the bus by telling Kelsey exactly what Ashley I. had said about her.

Sure enough, that caused Kelsey's last rational gene, if she had one, to turn female in a hurry.

"This is a game to her, She's a Kardashian, who didn't get to go on a princess date, who has way too much make-up on to be genuine."

The best part was that Kelsey actually then had to go back and hang out with Ashley I. alone, which, as you may have guessed, was totally awesome.

That alone time began with Kelsey giving Ashley I the stink eye before passive aggressively saying, "I know what you did, and I do not appreciate it."

After briefly trying to cover up what she said, Ashley I. had enough and finally blurted, "I'm sorry, I'm not from Pleasantville, I'm from 2014!"

And after Ashely I. stormed off in tears, she ran into Chris and demanded to know why he sold her out by asking, "Why did you tell her what I said to you?"

In trying to console Ashely I., Chris told her that he couldn't give her lifestyle that she wanted as a way of telling her that he was sending her home, which caused her melt down even further.

However, in a surprise, Chris also sent Kelsey home, telling her that he was 100% into it, who was surprisingly cool about it.

And when the other girls saw that Kelsey's bags were being removed from the room, someone yelled out, "Chris is so smart," as they began pouring champagne.

Chris then boarded the Batch-Copter, leaving Ashley I. and Kelsey alone in the hills of South Dakota to fend for themselves or die.

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